The collection anecdote's 8

* Tasteless Jokes *
---------------
06-26-92

The following are a collection of tasteless jokes that I have heard in my
travels. Enjoy!

NASA
----
Where did the Challenger crew take their vacation?
All over Florida

CELEBRITIES
-----------
What kind of wood doesn't float?
Natalie Wood

Natalie Wood did not shower the day of her death. Her reason?
She wanted to wash up later on the beach

Why did Jessica Savitch's car sink to the bottom of the canal with her
in it?
She was the anchor-woman

What did they find in Jessica Savitch's glove compartment when they
pulled the car from the canal?
Ted Kennedy's road maps

SERIAL KILLERS
--------------
How did they find out Jeffrey Dahmer was a cigarette smoker?
They found a bunch of butts behind his couch

What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite line of clothing?
Dis-Members Only

Jeffrey Dahmer had his mother over for dinner when she suddenly said,
"You know, Jeffrey, I don't like your neighbors..."
Which he responded, "Just eat the vegetables then..."

ETHIOPIANS
----------
How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?
All of them

What do you call an Ethiopian with a fur coat on?
A pipe cleaner

What do you call an Ethiopian walking a dog?
A caterer

AIDS
----
Doctor: "Your wife either has Ahlzeimer's or AIDS."
Husband: "How can we find out which?"
Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take
your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her
way home; don't fuck her."

What does MAGIC stand for in Magic Johnson?
My Ass Got Infected Coach

How did David Copperfield catch AIDS?
He was playing with Magic (D.C. has never been reported as having AIDS)

When asked how his daughter does not have AIDS and he does, Magic Johnson
replied: "I used a condom".

DATING
------
Woman answers a knock at the door and is greeted with roses.
Her Girl Friend: "Who are they from?"
Woman: "My boyfriend; guess that means I'll have to keep my legs open
all weekend"
Girl Friend: "Why not use a vase?"

BLONDES
-------
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm

FOOD
----
Customer: "Waiter, is that Monk-fish blackened or broiled?"
Waiter: "Neither, its a fryer" (ba-da-boom)

Sexual Jokes

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I read in this morning's paper that AIDS indeed can be transmitted
via toilet seats... It most frequently occurs when one sits down on one
before the previous guy gets up!
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While on a picnic one day, Mae West fell asleep in a field where cows
were grazing. While she slept, one of the cows had managed to position
itself so that its udder was directly over Mae's head. Mae woke suddenly
and saw the udder. Still half asleep, Mae exclaimed, "Please boys, one at
a time."
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One day a man was walking on the beach. As he walked, he saw a girl
sitting in a wheelchair, looking out at the ocean and sobbing
uncontrollably.
Curious, he walked up to her and asked her what was wrong. She
sniffled, "I've never been kissed....uhhhwWAAAAHhh!!"
He thought on this a moment, and then took her face gently in his
hands and kissed her.
The next week, he was walking on the beach again, and he saw the same
girl sitting in the same spot, sobbing uncontrollably again. He walked to
her,and asked what was wrong now. Through her tears, she stammered out,
"I've never been fucked.....WAAhhhhhhhhhh!"
He thought about that for a moment, and then picked her up lovingly
in his arms. He walks towards the ocean, and throws her in. He yells
after her: "There. NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!!!!"
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A man was thrown out of a house of ill repute for complaining about
the quality of service. The manager told him "You don't have grounds for
a complaint because you knew her name was Ill Wind when you came in here."
(HINT: Old saying "It's an ill wind that blows nobody good.)
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Little Johnny was 12 years old, and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older
boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he asked his mother, who instead of explaining things to
Johnny, told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older
sister and her boyfriend. This he did.
The following morning Johnny described everything to his mother: "Sis
and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile. Then he turned off most of
the lights and started kissing and hugging her. I figured she must be
getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought
so too, because be put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just
like the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor, because he
seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick
too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out
of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her
skirt. About this time, Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and
squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when
the fever started. I know it was a fever, because Sis told him that she
felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick, a big
eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It jumped out of his pants and
stood there, about ten inches long. Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one
hand to keep it from getting away. Then Sis saw it, she got really
scared: her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open. She started calling

Humor Digest - April 90

Sexual Jokes

out God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever
seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake. Anyway, Sis got
brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off. All of a sudden
she made a noise and let the eel go--I guess it bit her back. Then she
grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of
his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting
again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock
on it and he helped by lying on top of it. The eel put up a hell of a
fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset
the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between
them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her
boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew it was
dead because it just hung there, limp, and some of it's insides were
hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle,
but they went back to "courting" again. He started hugging and kissing
her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead!! It jumped straight up and
started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives
or something. This time I knew they killed it because Sis's boyfriend
peeled the skin off and flushed it down the toilet."
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A man and his wife went to the zoo. While they were looking at the
gorillas, a male gorilla grabs the wife, tears off her clothes and starts
to rape her.
She is terrified and screams to her husband, "John, help me! What
should I do?"
Her husband yells back to her, "Tell him about your headaches, dear."
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Two gays were out hitchhiking on the freeway, and a man stops to pick
them up.
After travelling for a little while, the fag in the back asks the
driver, "Hey, big guy, mind if I fart?" The driver responds,"No, go right
a ahead."
So the fag spreads his legs and lets it go. 'WOOOOOOOOSH!'
A while later the fag in the front says, "Hey, cutie, mind if I fart
too?" The driver goes, "Nah, it's fine with me." He lets it go.
'WOOOOOOOOOOSH'!
The driver then says, "Well, I'm sure you guys won't mind if I
fart..." He spreads his legs and lets it rip. 'PPPPBBBBBBBLLLLL!'
The two fags look and each other and say in unison, "VIRGIN!"
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There are these three guys. One is one his way up a hill to get to
the whore house, one is in the whore house and the third is on his way
down the hill away from the whore house.
What are the nationalities of the three guys?
The guy on his way up the hill : Russian
The guy on his way down the hill : Finnish
And the guy in the whore house : Himalayan
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Two guys and a woman were on an island. After 2 weeks the woman was
so ashamed at what she was doing she killed herself by jumping out of a
tree.
Two weeks later the 2 guys were so ashamed at what they were doing
they buried her.
Two weeks later they were so ashamed at what they were doing they dug

Humor Digest - April 90

Sexual Jokes

her back up.
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One day Red Riding Hood wanted to visit her grandma. Her mom was
worried and cautioned her about the wolf. Little Red just smiled and
patted her picnic basket, "Don't worry about me, Mom!"
Sure enough she hadn't gone far when the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from
behind a tree and said, "Ha, now I've got you Little Red Riding Hood, and
I'm gonna fuck your butt raw!"
Little Red calmly reached into her basket, pulled out a 44 magnum and
said,"Oh no you don't, you son-of-a-bitch, you're going to eat me, just
like in the story!!!"
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"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did
you and Eve do today?"
"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
"And then what did you do?" God asked.
"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
"She's down at the brook washing herself out."
"Oh, no," the Lord moaned, "I sure hope the fish aren't going to
smell now!"
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This guy was staggering down the side of the highway with his keys in
his hand held perpendicular to his stomach.
A cop drove by and stopped to ask him, "Excuse me sir, are you
looking for something?"
The guy replied, "Yeah, I'm looking for my car."
To this the cop inquired, "Well, where did you last leave it?"
The guy answered, "At the end of these keys."
Irate, the cop remarked, "Just look at you. Not only are you in no
condition to drive, but you're a mess: your shirt's undone, your tie's
coming off,your buckle is unbuckled, your pants aren't zippered, and your
penis is hanging out."
The guy looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, I lost my girlfriend too!"
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Three school boys were discussing which way you enter heaven.
The first boy said, "You enter with your hands first because you're
praying to God as you go up."
The second boy argued, "No, no. You enter with your head first
because you're thinking about God and God is in your mind."
The third boy retorted, "No, no, no. You enter with your feet
first."
Puzzled, the other two boys inquired, "Feet first? How do you figure
that?"
To which the boy replied, "Well, the other morning I walked in on
mommy and daddy, and mommy had her feet way up in the air as she was
screaming, 'OhGod, I'm coming!'"
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There was this drunk who said to the bartender, "I want a woman!" so
the bartender gave him directions to a place.
The drunk was so messed up that he couldn't remember where the
bartender told him to go. So he accidently walks into a Foot doctor's

Humor Digest - April 90

Sexual Jokes

office.
The lady at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
The Drunk says,"Yes, I want some service."
So the lady replies, "Go in the other room and put it on the table."
So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.
The lady comes in and says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, Give it time."
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The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on
her first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed, "I lost my virginity
last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother, "it was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked, "the first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
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Abbie and Patrick grew up together but hadn't seen each other since
leaving high school. Patrick had become a priest and Abbie a rabbi. One
day Abbie went to visit his old friend. They were having a great time
talking over old times when Father Patrick remembered that he had to hear
confession. He asked Abbie to come along and see how it was done.
Soon after they were seated in the confessional, there came a tap at
the little window. A voice from the other side said, "Father forgive me,
for I have sinned. I had sex with two men last week." Father Patrick
responded with, "Say ten Hail Mary's and put five dollars in the poor box
and your sins will be forgiven."
Shortly thereafter another knock and another voice saying, "Father
forgive me. I had sex twice last week with my boyfriend." Again Father
Patrick responded with, "Say ten Hail Mary's and put five dollars in the
poor box and your sins will be forgiven."
Abbie asked Patrick if it would be all right to try one himself.
Patrick told him to take the next one.
Soon a knock came and a voice said, "Father forgive me, my boyfriend
and I had sex once last week." Abbie replied, "Well, go out and do it
again. We're running a special this week. Two for five dollars."
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A young bull and an old bull were standing on a hill looking down at
a herd of cows in the field below.
The young bull, getting a little horny at the thought of all those
cows, said to the old bull, "Lets run down there and stick it to a few of
those cows."
The older, and wiser, bull replied, "Why don't we just walk down and
stick it to them ALL."
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The BMW slips by the radar control post, quickly the officer pulls
onto the road for a quick on the fly speed check.
The BMW is driving oddly, every now and then, it slows, veers to the
side and speeds up again.
Curious by now, the officer advances to the BMW, and notices a male
driver and his female companion engaged in some activity besides driving.
Suddenly, the BMW veers of the side of the road, hits a tree and
slides to a halt. In the process the girl is flung from the car and
crushed against a cliff. The seatbelted driver stays with the car.

Humor Digest - April 90

Sexual Jokes

The officer rushes to the girl only to find that she is beyond help.
He then runs to the BMW where the driver is moaning and bent over. The
officer says: "Hey fella I got some bad news for you, your friend didn't
make it through the crash."
The driver keeps moaning saying "I'm ruined, ruined and it's all on
account of that bitch!"
The officer says again: "Look fella, I don't know why you feel so bad
for yourself but your ladyfriend has just brought the farm!"
The driver moans back, "Dammit officer, I'd rather be in her place;
didn't you see what she had in her hand?"
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This guy wanted to get a tatoo, but in a place that wasn't usually
visible to everyone, so he decided to get it put on his penis.
This guy had a girlfriend named Wendy, and that's what he wanted the
tatoo to say. So off he went to the tatoo place.
When he arrived at the tatoo parlor, he told the tattooist where he
wanted the tatoo, and what he wanted it to say. Of course the tatoo had
to be put on while this guys penis was erect, so it would spell out
'Wendy' when it was erect.
A few days later the guy was in a restaurant bathroom taking a piss,
and saw that the guy in the next stall also had a tatoo on his penis, and
he saw that the tatoo started with the letters 'W' and ended with the
letter 'Y'.
He said "HEY! You must have a girl friend named Wendy too huh?" (as
he showed his tatoo to the guy)
The other guy replied "Hell NO! Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica...
and have a nice day'"
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There was this 97 year old guy that just married a young girl.
Well, after a few weeks of having a non-sexual relationship, his wife
got pissed off. The 97 year old guy couldn't get it up.
So he went to his doctor about his problem. The doctor said "Sorry,
can't help you."
So the 97 year old guy went to this Indian medicine man and told him
about his problem. The medicine man said that he had a potion that would
allow him to get a hard-on 3 times, but after the third time, he would
die. The 97 year old man said ok because he was probably gonna die after
having sex with his wife anyway as he was so old. The 97 year old drank
the potion, and drove home.
On the way home, he decided to try to see if the potion worked. To
make his dick hard, he had to say "BEEP", and to make his dick normal, he
was to say "BEEP BEEP". So he said BEEP, and sure enough, his dick popped
up-WHAMO! He said wow! This is neat! He said BEEP BEEP to make it go
back down, and it did.
Well along the way home he BEEPed at a dog in the road, and his dick
went up as hard as a rock again. SO he said BEEP BEEP, and it went back
down.
When he got home he ran in his house, and said honey, QUICK! Get
onto the bed, I'm gonna screw you! He said BEEP for his last time,
knowing that he would die after it went down. Well his wife said, "What
with this BEEP BEEP shit?"
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When the Germans occupied France, Hitler ordered all his troops to
rape the native women and, when finished, say, "In nine months you will

Humor Digest - April 90

Sexual Jokes

have a child. You may name it Adolph Hitler. Heil Hitler!"
Well, Hans was not the type who went for this kind of thing, but
pressure from his superior officer made him go seeking a nice French
lass.
When he found one to his liking, he overpowered her, had his way, and
announced, "In nine months you will have a child. You may name it Adolph
Hitler. Heil Hitler!"
The girl then replied, "In nine days you will have a rash. You may
call it herpes. Vive la France!"
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Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians.
After a tour of the reservation they were on she wondered why there
was a difference in the number of feathers in the braves headdresses.
She asked one brave, who had one feather in his headdress. His reply
was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather."
She asked another brave feeling that the first fellow was only
joking. This brave, who had four feathers in his headdress replied, "UGH,
me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."
Still not convinced she decided to interview the chief. Now the
chief had a headdress full of feathers which needless to say amused Ms.
Walters. She asked the chief, "Why do have so many feathers in your
headdress?"
The chief pounded his chest and said, "Me chief, me fuck'em all, BIG
small, fat, tall, me fuck'em all!"
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!"
The chief replies, "You damned right me hung; big like buffalo, long
like snake."
Ms. Walters CRIED, "You don't have to be so damn HOSTILE!"
The chief replied, "Hoss style, dog style, wolf style, any style, ME
FUCK'EM ALL!"
With tears in her eyes Ms. Walters cries, "OH DEAR!"
The chief said, "NO DEER, me fuck no deer, asshole to high, the
fuckers run to fast! NO FUCK DEER!"
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A little boy holds out his hand and says, "I've got two pennies."
The little girl he's talking to says, "Well I've got three pennies."
The boy says, "I've got 5 marbles."
"I have 8 marbles," replies the girl.
The boy pulls down his pants and points to his penis and says, "I've
got one of these..."
The little girl lifts up her skirt, points to her vagina and says:
"Well I've got one of these. And with this, I can get all of that
(pointing to the boys genitals) that I want!"
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A mother went to the doctor to get a prescription for the pill.
He said that she was a bit old to be taking it, but she replied, "Oh,
doctor, it relaxes me!"
The doctor responded, "But you know what the purpose of the pill is,
don't you?!"
She replied, "Yes doctor, but my daughter dates, and every morning I
drop one into her orange juice, and believe me, I feel relaxed."
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Humor Digest - April 90

Ethnic Jokes

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Two Polish hunters were riding along in their car when they saw a
left turn sign that said BEAR LEFT.
So they went home.
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A motorist driving along a country road in Georgia, came upon the
scene of an accident. A bus full of blacks had hit a tree, split open,
and strewn dead bodies all over the place.
The motorist, realizing he couldn't be of any help, rushed to the
nearest town and reported the accident to the sheriff.
When the sheriff returned to the scene he found the bus but no blacks
were to be seen anywhere. Seeing a farmer plowing a field nearby, the
sheriff went to talk to him.
"Do you know anything about the accident?" the sheriff asked.
The redneck replied, "Yeah, I saw the whole thing."
The sheriff asked, "Were are the people?"
The redneck replied, "I buried them."
The sheriff asked, "Weren't any of them alive?"
The redneck replied, "Well sheriff, some said that they was, but you
know you can't believe anything them black boys say!"
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An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight.
He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs
nudged him and said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice." To avoid any
trouble, the Israeli did so. When he left, both Arabs spat into his
shoes.
The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped down.
The rest of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the Israeli
put on his shoes and felt the squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs
and said,"If there is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs
will have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will have to
stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice."
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A white boy and a black boy were discussing what color God was.
Since their argument was getting nowhere, the white boy decided, "I'll
tell you what: tonight when I go to bed and pray to God, I'll ask him what
color he is." And the black boy was thrilled with the idea.
So, later that night, as the white boy was praying, he asked, "God,
what color are you?" This big thunderous voice answered, "I AM WHAT I AM!"
And the white boy went to bed with a big triumphant smile on his face.
The next day at school, the black boy came running to him asking,
"Well, did you ask him? What did he say?"
The white boy replied, "Yep, and he's white."
Black boy: "Oh yeah? What did he say exactly?"
White boy: "He said, 'I am what I am.'"
Black boy: "I am what I am? That doesn't tell you what color he is."
White boy: "It SURE does; if he was black, he would have said, 'I is
what I is.'"
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This northerner was driving through Georgia one rainy night when he
hits these 2 blacks who were walking along side the road.
When the sheriff shows up, the guy explains, "Geez I didn't see 'em

Humor Digest - April 90

Ethnic Jokes

Sir, it was totally unavoidable!!"
The Ole Sheriff looks around sees one guy is all busted up and got
his head through the windshield, the other guy is off in a tree in an
adjacent field.
So the Sheriff says "No Problem, well charge this one with Breakin' &
Enterin' and that one with leavin' the scene of an accident!"
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There was a Scotsman and a moron out hunting, when out of the bushes
emerges the most beautiful lady the old Scot had ever seen.
He calmly asked her: "Are ye game, Lass?"
To wit, she nodded, and they disappeared into the bushes for a lovely
game of bump and tickle.
The moron stood there with slackened jaw pondering the situation
when just as suddenly, there appeared another comely female with a coy
look on her face.
The moron screwed up his courage and asked her: "D-uh, are you game?"
She nodded her head; so he took aim and shot her.
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These two alligators, one a runt the other a giant, meet in a swamp
and stop to chat.
Runt: "Hey, how did you get so big?"
Giant: "I eat NIGGERS."
Runt: "So do I but look how small I am!"
Giant: "Well what do you do to the 'em?"
Runt: "Well, I beat the shit out of 'em then down the hatch they go."
Giant: "No wonder! If you beat the shit out of them, all you have left
is skin, lip, and sneakers!"
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A man stops at a bar to get a quickly and ties his dog outside. As
he was drinking, a black man walks in, and they start talking.
Black: "Hey you, is dat your dog out der?"
Man: "Yes." Black: "Well she's in heat!"
Man: "No, that's not possible, I tied her up in the shade."
Black: "No man, she's hungry for it!"
Man: "I don't think so, I fed her this morning."
Black: "Man! Let me say it straight. Your dog needs to be FUCKED!"
Man: "Go ahead! I always wanted a coon-dog!"
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The mayor of New York offered a million dollars to anyone who could
rid the city of pigeons. After two weeks, a man called city hall and
agreed to do it so the mayor met him on the Brooklyn bridge at noon the
following day. The man arrived with nothing but a pink pigeon, and at
precisely noon, let the bird fly free.
Within minutes all of the pigeons in New York city were following the
bird. The man then whistled, and the pink pigeon flew back, dove into the
water, and drowned itself. To the mayor's amazement, the rest of the
pigeons followed, and drowned in the river. The mayor was so pleased that
he not only paid the man $1 million, but also gave him a two hundred
thousand dollar bonus.
After paying the man, the mayor asked, "You don't happen to have any
pink Puerto Ricans, do you?"
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Elmo was a real looser when it came to women. He was ugly and had a
horrible physique which instigated mountains of laughter from passing

Humor Digest - April 90

Ethnic Jokes

women.
Elmo asked his friend Scott (a real stud) for help.
"Just do what I do," said Scott, "Simply place an apple in your
bathing shorts, and walk around the swimming club. Women go nuts! It
works for me!"
So Elmo tried it. But to his bitter disappointment, when the women
saw him, they laughed at him even harder than before.
Elmo went back to Scott and complained that this method didn't work
for him.
"Show me what you did," Scott said. Elmo put the apple in his
bathing shorts.
"You idiot!," Scott howled, "You're supposed to put the apple in the
FRONT of your shorts!"
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Humor Digest - April 90

Gross Jokes

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Little Johnny was asked by his school teacher to write a report about
a "scientific experiment" he could perform and tell his fellow students
about.
Little Johnny was in a real quandary about what sort of "experiment"
he could write and tell about. Then, as he was walking home from school
he spotted his "experiment", a grasshopper.
Little Johnny walked over to the grasshopper, and the grasshopper was
just sitting still, quietly, minding his own business. Little Johnny
ordered, "Jump!" The grasshopper jumped 35 feet! Little Johnny wrote down
some notes, "Grasshopper jumped 35 feet with BOTH legs."
Then Little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper, tore off one of his
legs, and ordered "Jump!" The grasshopper still managed to jump 25 feet
(with ONLY one leg) Little Johnny wrote more notes, "Grasshopper jumped 25
feet with ONE leg."
So, Little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper again, and tore off
his other leg, and again ordered, "Jump!" The grasshopper just sat there.
Little Johnny again ordered, "Jump!" And, of course, the grasshopper
just sat there.
Little Johnny wrote in his notes, "When you tear BOTH legs off a
grasshopper it goes DEAF."
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A guy on an airplane desperately has to use the toilet, but the men's
is occupied. The flight attendant gives him the okay to use the ladies
toilet but warns him not to push any of the buttons that say W-W, W-A, P-P
or A-T-R.
Once the man gets inside, his curiosity gets the best of him so he
presses the W-W button... a squirt of warm water wets his behind.
"Hmmm," he says to himself, "not bad." He goes ahead and presses the W-A
button and gets a little burst of warm air on his behind. Of course he
couldn't resist pressing the P-P button and a powder puff comes out and
puts perfumed powder on his behind.
He says to himself, "Gee, these women really have it made, this is
great."
He then pushes the A-T-R button and next thing he realizes he wakes
up in a hospital. He looks up at the nurse and asks, "What am I doing
here, did we crash or something?"
The nurse smiles and replies, "It seems you pushed the Automatic
Tampon Removal button. By the way, if you're looking for your dick, it's
under your pillow."
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A guy is out ice-fishing on a frozen lake. Saws a hole in the ice,
drops his line and waits. Nothing happens.
Another guy is ice fishing just a few yards away, and has a nice pile
of fish stacked beside him. First guy waits patiently. Nothing happens.
Second guy reels in a fish every minute or so and stacks it beside
him.
Finally, in frustration the first guy walks over to the second and
asks him, "Say, I notice you've got quite a few fish there, and I haven't
gotten a nibble. Mind if I ask you the secret of your success?"
Second guy looks up with a funny expression on his face and mumbles
something with his mouth closed that is totally incoherent.
First guy says, "I didn't quite catch that. Do you think you could
repeat it?"

Humor Digest - April 90

Gross Jokes

Second guy makes more closed-mouth mumbling sounds.
"I'm sorry, I really can't understand you. Do you think you could
talk a little more clearly?"
Second guy cups his hand and spits a big wad of what looks like
chewing tobacco into his hand. Looks up at the first guy and says very
plainly, "Keep your worms warm."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the most disgusting think you can think of?

Siamese twins.
Joined at the mouth.
One of them has to throw-up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself
beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in
his hand.
The lawyer leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to
the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it
between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"
The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and
feels like rubber."
The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over.
The lawyer rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it
closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I
don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this guy who stopped off for a beer. However, just as the
bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside.
The guy ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his
beer.
When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying "Thanks
for the beer!" He was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer
anyway.
Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard
in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, the guy
runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned
to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said
"Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."
Well the guy still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he
ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of
shots were heard outside. This time the guy wasn't going to lose his beer
to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying "Enjoy, I
just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.
When he returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just
where he left it. However this time the note said "You enjoy, I spit in
it too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were 2 statues, one a nude man the other a nude woman, located
in the center of a park.
A fairy Godmother was flying around when she noticed the pair.
Having great pity she changed them into humans, and they immediately
ran off into the bushes. Leaves and branches were flying everywhere.

Humor Digest - April 90

Gross Jokes

They emerged about an hour later and the man said to the woman, "All
right, you hold them pigeons and I'll shit on 'em!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman and a zoo keeper were at the zoo watching the monkeys eat.
The woman noticed a very strange monkey. This monkey would peal a
banana and then run it in and out of his ass several times before he would
eat it. The woman kept watching and every banana the monkey would eat, he
would shove it up his ass several times before eating it.
The woman asked the zoo keeper,"Why is that monkey doing that?"
The zoo keeper replied, "About a month ago someone threw him a
peach. He swallowed the peach and when he shit the peach pit it ripped
his asshole open. Now he likes to test fit everything before he eats it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

Clean Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father
Pat at the wheel. Mileage was being ticked off pretty well when suddenly
a little rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car.
Father Pat did everything he could to miss the little bunny, he wrenched
the wheel around, jammed on the brakes, and almost tipped the car over
with his maneuvers, but to no avail; the rabbit was hit before the car
could be stopped.
Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back to the rabbit to see if
there was anything that could be done, but alas, it appeared that the
rabbit was gone.
Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket, sprinkled a few drops
of the liquid on the rabbit, and instantly it jumped up and started waving
vigorously.
Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, "It's a miracle!"
The rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them. Since it
appeared that nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the
car, and Father Pat continued down the road.
Father Mike kept looking out the back window and, for as long as he
could see the rabbit, it was still standing there and waving.
When the rabbit was out of sight, Father Mike sat back and considered
the sequence of events. Finally he said, "Father Pat, just what was in
that bottle?"
In response, Father Pat pulled the bottle out of his pocket once more
and handed it to Father Mike who read the label:
"Hair Restorer with Permanent Wave"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When my wife and I first came to California, we couldn't decide what
the name of the valley was. We tried several pronunciations, none of
which we agreed on. Eventually, this turned into a heated argument and a
near breakup.
It was our good fortune that we pulled into the valley and pulled
into the first fast food place we could find. We went into the eatery and
sat down.
I promptly went over to the counter and said to the sales boy, "My
wife and I cannot agree on how you say the name of this place. Could you
please speak slowly, and pronounce correctly the name of this place?"
The boy was very pleased to comply. He smiled as he leaned forward,
and said: "D-a-i-r-y Q-u-e-e-n."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a travelling salesman one day passing through a rural area
when he happened upon a chicken with four legs running across the road.
Bewildered, he followed it into a yard where a farmer was sitting in
a rocker, chewing on a weed.
Said the salesman, "Did you breed these chickens?" To which the
farmer replied, "Yup."
The salesman asked the farmer if he had considered marketing the
chickens what with their increased drumstick yield.
The farmer replied, "Yup I did, but I haven't even been able to catch
one of the damn things yet!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy at work finds out that he has just won the six million dollar
jackpot in the state lottery. Immediately he calls home to tell his
wife. "Honey," he says, "I just won the lottery, pack your bags!"

Humor Digest - April 90

Clean Jokes

"What should I pack for the trip, summer or winter clothes?" she
asks.
"I don't care, as long as you're not home when I get there."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This computer sales man had never been out of the city of New york.
He was such a crackerjack salesman that eventually the boss promoted him
to upstate Michigan. He was slightly scared because he did not know how
to react to anything but concrete, but finally agreed. As he drove out of
the city he marveled at the many sights and sounds of the country. Near
Benton Harbor he saw a farmer standing at the rear of a cow.
Curious he stopped and leaned over the fence to get a better look.
Of all the things he had seen (birds, bees, flowers, and other new things)
this was the most interesting.
The farmer called over to him and said, "Would you help me pull this
calf, neighbor?"
The salesman agreed and after 15 minutes of hard sweaty work the calf
was out on the ground and being cleaned by the cow. The farmer thanked
him for his help.
The salesman looked around for a minute before he spoke, "I only have
one question. How fast was that calf going when it hit the cow?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lone Ranger and Tonto found themselves surrounded by thousands of
hostile Apaches.
The masked man turned to his sidekick and said, "Well, old friend, it
looks like we're done for."
Tonto replied, "What you mean 'WE', paleface?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Larry wasn't feeling too well, so he went to the doctor for a
checkup. The doctor did some tests and told Larry that when the test
results came back from the lab he would call him and let him know what was
what.
A few days went by and Larry got a call from the doctor.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have some good news and some bad news."
Larry said, "Tell me the good news first."
"O.K.," said the doctor. "The GOOD news is that you have 24 hours to
live!"
"If that's the good news," yells Larry, "then what's the bad news?"
"The BAD news is, I called to tell you yesterday, but you didn't
answer the phone."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three big game hunters were sitting in a posh country club.
The first guy says, "I think it's spelled W-H-O-O-M-M-B."
The second hunter says, "NO NO, that's not right, it's spelled
W-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-A."
The third guy says, I belive it is spelled W-O-O-O-M."
About this time a cocktail waitress comes over after overhearing the
conversation and states: You men are all wrong! The correct spelling is
W-O-M-B." With that she stalks away muttering.
The first hunter looks at the other two in amazement, and says, "What
do you know? She's heard an elephant fart too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A kid had been bugging his dad for a pony. Finally his dad brought
him home a chemestry set and said "Look son, I can't afford to get you a
pony right now. Play with this set and maybe one day you can have a

Humor Digest - April 90

Clean Jokes

pony."
About a week later, the father was getting home from work and he saw
his kid driving worms into the ground with a hammer.
"Son," the father asks, "how in the world did you make those worms
stiff enough to drive in the ground like that?"
"Well", said the kid, "I just mixed up a formular with this set you
gave me and it makes limber things hard as a rock!"
His dad said: "Give me that formula and you get your pony!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hunters, Jake and Bill, were out hunting deer in the mountains.
Ol' Jake told Bill he had to go, so he went behind some bushes. A few
seconds later Ol' Jake starts screaming. Bill ran behind the bushes to
see what was going on. Ol'Jake yells at him," I've just been bitten on
the head of my pecker by a rattlesnake!!!" Bill told Jake to lay down and
he would go get a doc. So Bill jumped into the truck and headed for town,
5 miles away. He found the doctor's office, rushed in, and yelled for the
doctor. The doctor came out of the back room and asked Bill what the
commotion was all about. Bill told the doctor that Ol` Jake got bit by a
rattlesnake and that he needed to take the doctor back up to the mountains
with him. The doctor told him that he couldn't go because he was the only
doctor for over a hundred miles and that he had to deliver a baby. But he
told Bill what to do. He said," What you do is make two small incisions
over the bite wounds and suck the poison out. You should be able to get
Jake down here safely then." Bill jumped into the pickup truck and headed
back up the mountain. When he got to the campsite, Ol' Jake said,"Bill,
what did the doctor say?"
Bill looked sadly at Jake and said, "HE SAID YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

Other Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in the church yard rolling this bottle of
liquid back and forth watching the bubbles in it.
The Priest walked up and said,"What'cha got in the bottle Johnny?"
Little Johnny replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the
world!"
The Priest thought about this for a second or two and said, "But
Johnny, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. Why, did you
know that if you put holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass
a boy every time!"
Little Johnny cocked his head, looked up at the priest, and sneered,
"Big Deal! This is turpentine, and if I put this on a cat's ass, he'll
pass a Harley Davidson!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

Sexual One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is it better to be born a black or a homosexual?

A: A black because you don't have to hide it from your parents.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a black with a homosexual Eskimo?

A: A snowblower that doesn't work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: Because they don't have balls to scratch!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are an Elephant's sex organs?

A: It's feet : If it steps on you you're fucked!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the young girl give up bowling for sex?

A: Because the balls are lighter and she didn't have to change her shoes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's green and smells like pork?

A: Kermit's finger.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of a lesbian?

A: Another woman trying to do a mans job.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do women have more problems with hemhroids?

A: Because God made man the perfect hole.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God invent women?

A: Because sheep can't cook.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are the Rams changing their name to the TAMPONS?

A: They're only good for 1 period and they have no second string.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you know that men come in three sizes?

A: Small, Large, & OH MY GOD!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do they separate the men from the boys in Greece?

A: Use a crowbar!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why can't "Miss Piggy" count up to one hundred?

A: Because when she gets to sixty-nine, she gets a FROG in her throat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know why they haven't found a cure for AIDS yet?

Humor Digest - April 90

Sexual One-Liners

A: They can't find two white mice that will butt fuck each other.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What 2 things in the air can get a woman pregnant?

A: Her legs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?

A: Ugly sheep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do a priest and a christmas tree have in common?

A: The balls are just for decoration.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lesbian in an igloo?

A: A Klondike.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?

A: Their both fun to ride until a friend sees you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does the bottom of a Coke bottle say on the planet Lesbos?

A: 'Use Other End
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

Ethnic One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blacks keep chickens?

A: To teach their kids how to walk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a black with a Sioux indian?

A: A boy named Sue.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't blacks like blow jobs?

A: They don't like any jobs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a black lady with braces?

A: A Black and Decker pecker wrecker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the most confusing day in Harlem?

A: Fathers day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?

A: They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do black people smell?

A: So blind people can hate them too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?

A: Joan of Arc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does God make Puerto Ricans?

A: By sandblasting blacks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of black foreplay?

A: Yelling: "Don't scream or I'll kill you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a black with a groundhog?

A: Six more weeks of basketball season.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blacks wear white gloves?

A: So they won't bite their fingers when they're eating tootsie rolls.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do Jews have big noses?

A: Because the air is free!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

Humor Digest - April 90

Ethnic One-Liners

A: A canoe tips!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two Jews were fighting over a penny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would cheetah be?

A: A fur coat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a Jewish American Princess' idea of natural childbirth?

A: Absolutely no makeup.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't pygmies wear tampons?

A: They keep stepping on the string.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a
computer?

A: A computer that never goes down on you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcized?

A: Jewish women won't buy anything that isn't 20% off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a Phillipino contortionist?

A: A Manilla folder.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?

A: She loved men.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Pollack who heard that all accidents happen
within a 1-mile radius of your house?

A: He moved!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Pollack who locked his keys in his car?

A: It took him an hour to get his family out!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you babysit a black baby?

A: Lick its lips and stick it to the wall.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You throw an Iranian, a Libyian, and a Palestinian off the roof of the
Empire State Building. Who hits the ground first??

A: WHO CARES!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

Ethnic One-Liners

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a pig?

A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are two japs in a car called?

A: The gooks of hazard.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference bewteen a Jew and a pizza?

A: Pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's so great about the new German microwave oven?

A: It seats twenty-five.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the new Chinese-German restaurant?

A: The food is great, but an hour after you eat, you're hungry for power.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of an Italian virgin?

A: A girl who can outrun her brother.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats the difference between a fairy tale, and a war story?

A: A fairy tale starts out with "Once upon a time...", while a war story
starts out with "No shit, this really happened..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know what you get when a Dozen Blacks parachute out of an
airplane and their shutes fail to open?

A: A Parking Lot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't they have the Olympics in Mexico?

A: Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already over here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between Jello and a Jewish American Princess?

A: The jello moves when you eat it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales, and black fairy tales?

A: White fairy tales start out "Once upon a time..." And black fairy
tales start out "Yo' motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a Jewish dilemma?

A: Free ham.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

Clean One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you tell if you have bad acne?

A: The blind try to read your face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: He was dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What king of tires does a Delorean have?

A: Snow tires.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

Gross One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do farts smell?

A: So the deaf can enjoy them too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils.

A: They have big fingers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Helen Keller have yellow legs?

A: Her dog is blind too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did a guy call his dog HERPES?

A: Because he wouldn't heel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To show the possum it could be done!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's grosser the gross?

A: When you're eating rump roast for dinner and it farts!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is John Lennon doing these days?

A: Decomposing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What will it take to get the Beatles back together?

A: Three more bullets.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our friend "RobbieRubber" provides us with the following advice:

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willie.
4. Before you blast her, gaurd your bushmaster.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
7. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. Before you bag her, sheath your dagger.
10. It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package that meat.
13. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
14. Especially in December, gift-wrap your member.
15. There's still cunnilingus with a shielded dingus, but she'll pass
on fellatio if you've wrapped up Horatio.
16 Don't be a fool, Vulcanize your tool.
17. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
18. A crank with armor will never harm her.
19. The right selection? Sack that erection!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Penis Length Survey

Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised
the following foolproof test.

1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the
rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key
immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably
something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to
use the A or even the Z key.)

2. Grasp your *thing* in your right hand and slap it firmly across the
number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is
"1234567890-" the backspace key removes the =.)

3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a
distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your *thing* on the keyboard and stare
intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave
the ground. Repeat the above test.

CAUTIONS:

1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.

2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two
keyboards end to end.

3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it
down with alchohol first.

Humor Digest - April 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a
fire extinguisher handy, an DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.

5. Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.

Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital
disorders:

If Your Test Looks
Like This: Then:

1 You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend;
sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ Seek immediate medical care.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

UnCategorized Gross Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The SHIT List

GHOST Shit - This is the kind where you feel the shit come out, have
shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.
CLEAN Shit - The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet,
but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET Shit - The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still
feels unwiped. So you have to put some toilet paper between your ass and
your underwear so you don't ruin them with skid marks.
2ND WAVE Shit - It happens when you're done shitting. You've pulled
your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to shit some more.
BRAIN-HEMMORHAGE-THROUGH-YOUR-NOSE Shit - The kind where you strain
so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
RICHARD SIMMONS Shit - You shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.
CORN Shit - No explanation needed.
LINCOLN LOG Shit - Shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush
the toilet without breaking the shit into a few pieces with your toilet
brush.
UNSINKABLE Shit - The kind that when you flush the toilet spins and
spins, and then hangs around for the next flush.
DRINKERS Shit - The kind of shit that you have after a long night of
drinking. It's most notable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom
of the toilet.
"GEE I WISH I COULD Shit" Shit - Where you want to shit but all you
do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting a few times.
SPINAL TAP Shit - This is the kind where it hurts so much coming out
that you swear it's coming out sideways.
POWER DUMP - The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your
ass cheeks get splashed with toilet water.
LIQUID Shit - The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of
your ass, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, while the
whole time burning your anus.
MEXICAN FOOD Shit - A class all it's own!
TECHNICOLOR Shit - The kind you get after you've been sick for
awhile. If you hadn't gone to the doctor yet, this kind makes you
consider it.
HEARTATTACK-"I'VE-GOT-BLOOD-IN-MY-SHIT" Shit - usually it's just all
those peppers in the MEXICAN-FOOD you had yesterday.
FLAKEY Shit - The kind that drops out into the bowl and looks solid,
but upon flushing, it disintigrates!
PEEPING Shit - This type can be felt popping in and out of your butt
until you get on the pot, then it stays in!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Toys 'R Us company is building a store in the middle of a local
housing project, to bring low priced toys to the poor blacks.
They've also decided to rename the company for its new location.
It'll be called 'We be toys and shit.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Application for Employment
Jesse Jackson's Campaign Staff

Name:
Address: (If living in auto, give make model & license)

YO' Mamma's Name:
YO' Dadies Name: (If known)
YO' Auto: Caddilac Lincoln
Financed Stolen
If Finnanced, Date of Reposession:

YO' Marital Status: Common Law: Shacked up:
YO' Source of Income: Theft: Relief: Welfare:
Unemployment: All of the above:
Length of last jail term: Why you are out: Escape
Probation: Other:
How fast you can steal a car:
Hou fast you can strip a car:
YO' place of birth: Free Clinic: Alley: Zoo:
YO' favorite place ta' chow down at:
Church's Fried Chicken: Unknown:
London & Cone Wing House: Colonel Sanders:
How many words can you Jive a minute:
Machines you can operate: Pinball: Crowbar:
Switchblade: Trojen Dispenser
YO' Favorite Foods: Bar-B-Cue: Fried Chicken: Carp:
Watermelon: Chitlins:
YO' Prior Experience: Gov't Worker: Black Panther: Pimp:
Dope Dealer: Evangalist: Postman:
How many kids have by: 1st Wife: 2nd Wife: Sister:
Neighbor's Wife: Other:
In 50 words or less, state YO' greatest desire in life:
(other than having a white woman)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

UnCategorized Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
MEDICAL RESEARCHERS TABULATING written cases in which items were
recovered from the rectums of patients reported 700 items from 200
patients. The items included: a live, shaved, declawed gerbil: a bottle
of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup: an Ax handle: a 9-inch zucchini: a 14-inch
vibrator with two D-cell batteries: a plastic spatula, a 9-1/2-inch water
bottle: a Coke Bottle: a 3-1/2inch Japanese Float ball: an 11-inch carrot:
an antenna rod: a 150-Watt light bolb: a screwdriver: four rubber balls:
72 jewelers saws(all from the same patient, 29 at one time): a
paperweight: an apple: an onion: a plastic toothbrush package: a frozen
pig's tail (which got stuck after it thawwd): a 10-inch length of
broomstick: an 18-inch umbrella handle: a banana encased in a condom: two
Vaseline jars: a whisky bottle with a cord attached: a teacup; an oil can;
a 6 by 5-inch tool box (weighing 22 ounces); a 6-inch stone weighing
two-pounds; a baby powder can; a test tube; a ballpoint pen; a peanut
butter jar; a flashlight; a turnip; a pair of eyeglasses; a hard-boiled
egg; several tumblers and glasses; a file; a polyethylene waste trap from
the U-Bend of a sink and a carborundum grindstone handle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - April 90

Clean Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Billy Graham, Oral Roberts and Jim Baker were all riding in a car
together and were involved in a terrible traffic accident. All three were
killed and their souls made their way to heaven.
At the pearly gates, Saint Peter met them and apologetically informed
them there was no more room in heaven at the moment, so all three would
have to wait "down below" until there was a vacancy.
Obediently, they all went to hell.
About a week later Saint Peter received a frantic phone call from the
devil.
"Listen," said the devil, "you've got to get these three guys outta
here! They're ruining the place."
"What's wrong?" asked Saint Peter.
"Well," said the devil, "Billy Graham is converting everybody, Oral
Roberts is building a university, and Jim Baker has raised enough money to
air condition this damn place!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two gays were walking across the Golden Gate Bridge when one
exclaimed, "Look, a ferry boat!"
The other said, "I didn't know we had a Navy!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day an American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a Lawyer were riding on
a train.
As they were talking the Russian got out a large bottle of high
quality vodka and poured a small glass for each and then threw the bottle
of vodka out of the window.
The American looked at the Russian in amazement and asked "Why did
you throw that vodka out of the window?"
The Russian replied, "In my country we have so much that we do not
know what to do with it."
About this time the Cuban pulled out a fat Havana cigar, lit it up,
took two puffs and threw it out of the window.
The American was even more surprised and asked the Cuban why he did
that.
The Cuban replied that, "In my country we have so many cigars that we
even burn them for power, and still can't get rid of them all."
The American then grabbed the lawyer...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Jesus and the Devil went out to play golf. They tossed a
coin to see who would tee off first.
The Devil won. He teed off and hit a beautiful drive straight down
the fairway, where it landed onto the green, and rolled to a stop less
than three feet away from the pin.
Then Jesus teed off and sliced it into the rough (woods).
As Jesus and the Devil were walking towards the rough, a squirrel
came scampering out of one of the trees and, in running across the ground,
came upon the golf ball.
It stopped, sniffed the ball, and stuffed it into its mouth. Then it
took off running (with the ball in its mouth).
As it ran across the fairway, an eagle swooped down, grabbed the
squirrel and started to fly away.
Just as the eagle was over the green, a bolt of lightning struck it.
It squawked and dropped the squirrel.
The squirrel fell to the green and, when it landed, the ball flew out

Humor Digest - May 90

Clean Jokes

of it mouth and rolled into the hole (cup).
The Devil turned to Jesus and said "OK are we gonna play golf or goof
around?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes into a barber shop, and says, "I want my hair cut, so
that it's long here, here, here, and here..., sort of wavy in this section
but straight just below, sort of spiked on this diagonal with a slanted
taper, and bald patches here, here, here, and here."
The barber looked at him and said, "I don't think I can do that!"
"Why not?" said the guy. "You did the last time I was here!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little ol' man and his wife went to the doctor to have
their annual checkup.
The little ol' man went in first and the doctor asked him, "How have
you been doing?"
The little ol' man replied that the Lord had been looking out for
him.
The Doctor just kind of blew this off and continued the exam for a
while, but couldn't stand it so he asked him how he knew that the Lord had
been looking out for him.
The little ol' man replied that every night when he got up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom that the Lord turned the light
on for him when he went in and off when he came out.
The doctor thought this was odd, so when he called the little ol'
man's wife in for her examine he asked her about it, And she said, "Oh
doctor, he's been pissing in the refrigerator again!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Adam was talking to God, and he asks, "God, I've been
thinking, why did you make Eve so pretty?"
God replies, "Because I wanted you to like her."
Then Adam asks, "But why did you make her so stupid?"
God answers, "Because I wanted her to like you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to a shrink who proceeds to show him a series of
pictures.
The shrink shows him a square, and asks, "What does this suggest to
you?"
Guy answers, "Sex."
Shrink displays a circle; again the answer is "Sex." Same thing with
a triangle, a pentagon, and a hexagon.
The shrink asks the man, "Why does everything remind you of sex?"
The guy replies, "Don't ask me Doc, you're the one with the dirty
pictures!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christ is on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary
Magdalene when he hears in a faint voice, "Peter...Peter..."
Peter said to Mary, "I must go and help my Savior." And he went up
the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions
guarding the cross.
But soon he hears, "Peter...Peter" in even fainter tones, and he
cannot ignore the call.
Peter limps up the hill leans a ladder against the cross, and is
halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally,
and toss him back down the hill.

Humor Digest - May 90

Clean Jokes

Again he hears, "Peter...Peter..." ever fainter, and he cannot sit
idle.
He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally
gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the
ladder, Christ says, "Peter...Peter...I can see your house from here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fellow was sitting and drinking at a bar, dressed in
expensive-looking clothes, when a gorgeous, sexily-clad woman sidled up to
him.
She said, "Honey, for $300 I can give you a really good time and for
$500 I'll do ANYTHING."
"Anything?" he asked.
"Well, almost anything." she replies, "Nothing too kinky; you have to
be able to say it in three words."
He arranged for some witnesses to the deal, handed her $500, and
said, "Paint my house!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just the other day I got a ticket for jaywalking, after crossing
quite a way from a crosswalk.
While the cop was writing I asked him, "Instead of having this go on
my record, couldn't I just go to WALKING SCHOOL?"
To which he replied, "No. In fact if you get three of these in one
year, they'll take away your feet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher who advertised himself as a great healer set up a tent in
a small rural town.
That evening a man came in on crutches and said to him, "Ain't no
doctor been able to cure my leg. Can you heal me?"
"What's your name brother?" asked the preacher.
"Bob" replied the man.
"Bob, you just go behind that red curtain."
A moment later, another man walked in and said, "S-s-sir, c-c-can you
help m-m-me with m-m-my s-s-stuttering?"
"What's your name brother?" asked the preacher.
"John" replied the man.
"John, you just go behind that red curtain."
After 10 minutes of frenzied preaching and praising, the healer threw
his hands in the air, raised his eyes to the ceiling, and dramatically
shouted, "Bob, drop your crutches! John, say something!"
A few moments passed before a voice behind the curtain said,"B-b-bob
just f-f-fell on h-h-his b-b-butt."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl came home depressed after playing on her little
league softball team
Her father asked: "What's wrong honey?"
To this the little girl remarked, "Oh, I was balled again!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dawsons stood outside the bedroom door listening to Johnny say
his prayers: "God bless Daddy, God bless Mommy, God bless sister Becky,
and God bless grandma."
"Wonder why he didn't include grandpa in his prayers?" asked Mrs.
Dawson.
The next day they received a telegram that grandpa had died of a
heart attack.

Humor Digest - May 90

Clean Jokes

That night, the Dawsons listened once again outside the bedroom.
"God bless Daddy, God bless Mommy, and God bless sister Becky."
"He left out Grandma this time," said Dawson.
The next day, Grandma fell down a flight of stairs and died of a
broken neck. That evening, they listened outside the boy's bedroom. "God
bless Mommy and God bless sister Becky."
"He left me out," whispered Dawson.
"Just be extra careful tomorrow," advised his wife.
The next day, Dawson came home somewhat relieved that nothing had
befallen him.
"Anything unusual happen today?" he asked.
"No," said his wife, "but the milkman died."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two animals were passing in the forest and bumped into each other.
"Oh I'm sorry but I am blind." said the first animal.
"Oh, we're both blind then" said the second one. "Tell you what, let
us examine each other and guess who we are..."
"Okay," said the first animal, "I'll start."
"Let's see, you're warm blooded, furry, with whiskers and long ears.
Oh I know, you must be a rabbit!"
"Right!" said the second. "Now let me guess."
"Hmmm, you're cold blooded, have scales, you squirm as you move, and
you have no balls."
"Ah, you must be a banker!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two girls were walking along the road when a toad croaked, "Kiss me
and I will turn into a handsome Texas oilman."
One of the girls stooped over, picked up toad up and stuffed it into
her purse.
"Aren't you going to kiss him?" the other girl asked in amazement.
The girl with the toad replied, "Texas oilmen ain't worth a dime
these days, but a talking toad's worth a fortune."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a classroom one day a teacher was playing a game with her
students.
"Ok," she said, "Today we are going to play a game in which I will
describe something and you have to tell me what it is."
"Ok, what is orange, round, and is a fruit?"
They all answer, "Orange, orange!"
"Wrong!" The teacher corrects them, "A nectarine!"
"Next one, what's oblong, yellow, and is good for you?"
"Banana, Banana!" they all yell.
"No, no," says the teacher, " A squash!"
So one of the kids the back of the room named Jimmy stands up and
exclaims, "Teacher, I have one for you. I have something in my pocket
that's long, stiff, and has a pink tip on the end. What is it?"
The teacher angrily says, "Oh Jimmy, that's very rude! Out of the
class right now!"
"But Teacher," cries Jimmy, "all it is is my pencil!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Ethnic Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessie Jackson died and went to heaven and was met at the pearly
gates by St. Peter.
St Peter: "Name please"
Jesse: (Astonished) "I'm Jessie Jackson!"
St Peter then looks and looks in the great book and replies, "Sorry,
no reservation."
Jessie: "Oh, try one of my titles, Rev. Jackson."
St Peter looks some more, "Sorry, any other titles?"
Jessie: "Yes, just one, President Jackson."
St Peter: (Astonished) "Oh, When did you become president?"
Jessie: "Oh, about five minutes ago..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Ford pick-up was going over a bridge with two Americans in the cab
and two Pollocks in the back.
The truck skidded and went into the river.
The Americans survived by swimming to the surface.
The Pollocks died... they couldn't get the tailgate open.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pollock was in a bar and saw a gorgeous woman sitting at the end of
the table so he ordered her a drink.
She said, "I hope you aren't trying to hit on me; I'm a lesbian."
The Pollock said, "No, I just wanted to get to know you or
something."
As they were talking, the woman sees a Big-busted woman in a red
dress on the dance floor and says, "I sure would like to rip off her dress
and screw her brains out!"
The Pollock starts moaning in fear and says,"OH NO! I think I'm a
lesbian too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A middle aged lady was reaching out her 2nd floor apartment window to
try to get a hanging flower, when she fell and landed smack into a garbage
can.
A passing Chink said, "These Americans so wasteful. Woman still good
for two or three years yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
These two pollocks are flying a plane when they see a landing strip.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, "Better give me 50% flaps, its a
pretty short runway. No change that give me 75% flaps. Geeez this is the
shortest runway I've ever seen better me 98% flaps!"
BOUNCE BOUNCE WHINE SKID
The copilot turns to the pilot and says, "Boy, this is the shortest
runway I've ever seen anyone land on! But wow, look how wide it is!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was this guy with a strawberry patch but that
no one would pick.
So one day while he was reading the paper he saw this add for berry
picking robots so he orders 20 of them.
They pick all the berries and do a good job at it.
That night all this guys neighbors called him and told him that his
robots were too shiny during the day and they blinded them.
So that night he painted the robots all flat black, and the next day
only 4 showed up for work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Ethnic Jokes

There are these three guys, a Christian, a Buddhist, and a Pollock,
ready to be put to death by guillotine. They get the Christian all set,
put his head in the guillotine, lock him in, and ask him if he has any
last
words.
He says "Oh Great God Save Me!"
The executioner pulls the rope and down comes the blade! Clunk...
It stops three inches above this guys head! All the people are in a stir
cause they think the God must want him saved, so they let him go.
They stick the Buddhist in next. He's tied down, and asked if he has
any last words.
He says "Oh Great Buddha Save me!"
The executioner pulls the rope and down comes the blade!
Kerrr...Plunk... It stops two inches above his head! All the people are
getting pretty annoyed by know, but since he's still alive, they figure
his God must want him saved, so they let him go.
The next guy up...is the Pollock. They get him all tied down and ask
him if he has any last words.
He says, "It would sure help if you untied the knot in the rope
before you try it again!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pollock that is terribly afraid of a terrorist putting a bomb on a
long distance flight he has to take, goes to his friend the statistician.
"What are the odds of a somebody bringing a bomb aboard my flight?"
he asks.
After several calculations the statistician responds, "575,000 to 1."
The pollock then asks, "What are the odds of two people bringing
bombs
onto the plane?"
His friend, astonished, calculates for a couple of more seconds and
says, "1,250,500,000,000 to 1."
So the pollock brought a bomb along with him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two pollocks were out hunting in the woods.
The one says to the other, "I gotta take a dump!" and walks off
behind a bush.
A short time later, he calls out, "What do I use to wipe?"
The other replies, "Use a dollar!"
About a 5 minutes later the first one comes out with shit all over
him. He says, "Well, thanks to your advice, not only do I have shit all
over myself, but I've got four quarters stuck up my ass!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that Jesse Jackson is having a fund raising dinner?
The donations are $150 per plate unless you want extra crispy in
which case it's $175.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were stranded on a rowboat after their boat sank. One was
from New York, one from London and the other from Poland. One day they
came upon a bottle floating in the water.
As they pulled the bottle out of the water they discovered that there
was a note inside. The note granted the finder of the bottle three
wishes.
Since they found the bottle together they decided to take a wish
each.

Humor Digest - May 90

Ethnic Jokes

The New Yorker expressed his desire to see Times Square again and no
sooner at he said the word he was back in New York.
The Londoner yearned for the lights of Piccadilly Circus and POOF he
was back in London.
The Pollock sat there for awhile, wondering what he should wish for.
Suddenly it struck him, and he said, "Those guys were such good company
that I wish they were back here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ya know, they found the space shuttle capsule yesterday out in the
ocean. But when they opened it, there were only 6 bodies inside.
3 hours later, they found a black on a nearby deserted island with 2
purses and 4 wallets.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Gross Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray, Butch, and Paul, three fags, are having a good old time in their
hot-tub, drinking beer and talking about "boy troubles."
Butch is just getting into a steamy account of his last evening with
Phil the lifeguard when, without warning "BLUP!" A wad of cum bubbles to
the surface of the water. They look at each other in turn, grimacing.
After a moment of pained looks, Paul finally says "That's gross man. Who
farted?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fags are walking down the street, and a man walks by.
One fag turns to the other and say "God, he was a good fuck!"
The other fag turns to him and say "NO SHIT?"
The first fag replies, "Well, hardly any!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man took his friend for a ride in his new plane, shortly after take
off to show his friend what the plane would do.
He opened up the throttle and went straight up then he went straight
down, telling his friend that he would now do the loop dee loop.
His friend yelled, "NO! First you went straight up and I shit my
pants, then you went straight down and I pissed my pants, now you want to
roll me in it!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are these three farmers and they wanted to enter a pig in the
fair, so they went out and bought a pig. They fed it, and fed it, and fed
it, but it just wouldn't get fat.
So one of the farmers came up with the bright idea of putting a cork
in the pigs butt so that it couldn't shit out anything.
Well, that pig ate, and ate, and ate until it became the most
humongous pig you ever saw.
They took the pig to the fair and won the blue ribbon in the gigantic
pig category.
After they got the pig home, the farmers couldn't decide who was
going to take the cork out of the pigs butt. They argued for quite
awhile, until the farmer who came up with the plug idea in the first place
said, "Say, why don't we buy a monkey and train it to pull out plugs." The
other farmers liked the idea, so they bought a monkey and began training
it.
Before long they had that monkey pulling corks out of everything,
champaign bottles, pickle vats, and even beer kegs, and they decided it
was time to try the monkey out on the pig so they took the monkey out and
put it in the pig pen.
At first the monkey was scared of the pig, but as soon as it saw the
cork it ran right over and pulled it out.
We are next at the hospital were the three farmers are all covered in
bandages from head to foot. A doctor walks in and asks the farmers what
is the last thing they remember. The first farmer replies, "The last
thing I remember is that there were turds and shit flying everywhere." The
second farmer nods his head, and says that's what he remembers too. Well,
the last farmer turns to the doctor and says, "Yah, I remember the turds
and shit, but what really sticks out in my mind is that poor little monkey
trying to stick the plug back in that pigs butt!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Other Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The perfect woman is three feet tall, has lips like a carp, can suck
the chrome off of a trailer hitch, has a flat head so you can set your
beer down, and turns into a pizza at midnight!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a Yankee and a Texan in a restroom at a truck stop. The
Yankee finished pissing first and zipped up and walked out. Minutes later
the Texan caught up with the Yankee and spoke loud enough for others to
hear: "Hey, Yank! Our mother's teach us Texans to wash our hands after
taking a piss!"
The Yankee looked the Texan up and down and grinned, replying, "Our
mother's taught us not to piss all over our hands."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Sexual Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A major walks into a drug store, carefully pulls out a piece of
folded paper, and unfolds it to reveal a busted condom. He asks
the pharmacist, "How much for a new one?"
The pharmacist replies, "50 cents."
The major then asks, "How much to get it repaired?"
The pharmacist replies, "30 cents."
With this the major walks out of the store.
The next day, the major walks into the same drug store goes up to the
pharmacist and says, "The regiment has decided to get this one fixed."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three pregnant teenagers were sitting in the OB's office one
afternoon discussing their impending arrivals. They came to the
conclusion that the position they used during their intercourse would
determine the sex of their children.
"Well," said the first, "he was on top, so I guess mine's a boy."
"I was on top," said the second, "mine's definitely a girl."
The third cried and cried and cried. When her two friends finally
calmed her down enough to speak she cried: "I'm going to have a puppy!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young stud picks up a hooker and takes her to his apartment. She
runs into the bedroom and says she'll get ready for him. He says he'll
get ready in the front room.
A few minutes pass and the hooker is lying in bed waiting for him.
When he strolls in, he is stark-naked except for a condom on his cock, a
clothes-peg on his nose and cotton in his ear.
She asks him about his get-up and he replies: "There's two things I
hate in this world. The sound of a woman screaming and the smell of
burning rubber!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman had just finished sex when the woman says to the
man, "I didn't know your organ was that small!"
"Well," the man replied, "I didn't know I would be playing in a
Cathedral, either!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The two men, who had just tied in the contest for the Longest Dick In
The World, were walking along the Golden Gate bridge and they had to piss,
so they just hung their dicks over the side.
The first man said, "Boy, that water sure is COLD."
The second man said, "Yeah, and DEEP too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could
buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the
house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry
about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house
with all his belonging in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard
you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait
because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with a $80,000

Humor Digest - May 90

Sexual Jokes

mortgage!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a man and his son were walking through the park, and the boy
spotted two dogs fucking.
The boy asked his father what he was doing, and the father responded,
"They're making puppies."
That night, the little boy walked into his parent's room, and saw his
parents going at it.
The boy said, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father responded, "Making you a little baby brother."
The boy shouted out, "Turn mom over, I would rather have a puppy!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy was having trouble sleeping, so he asked his mommy and
daddy if he could sleep in their bed. The parents agreed as long as he
wouldn't look under the sheets.
Well, the boy did, and he saw his fathers penis.
He asked what it was, and his father said it was his 'ferrari.'
Then he looked at his mother, and saw her twat, and he asked her what
it was, and she said it was a 'garage.'
The father said, "Move over Johnny, I'm going to pull my ferrari into
mommy's garage."
Johnny replied, "Sorry dad, my pinto is already in there!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a woman who had a problem. Her husband would only make
love to her in the dark.
Troubled by her husband's phobia she flicked the light on during one
of their passionate love making sessions
She was horrified to find a dildo in her husbands hand!
She screamed and said, "You impotent S.O.B.!"
Her husband tried to comfort her but she kept screaming, "Is this
what you've been using for the last 3 years?"
The husband replied, "Yes. Now YOU explain our 3 kids?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man goes into a tatoo parlor and ask's the owner to tatoo a
hundred dollar bill on his dick.
The owner looks puzzled, scratches his head, and says to the man,
"I've tattooed a lot of things on a lot of places, but I have never done
anything like this before."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, you don't know how well my wife can
blow a hundred bucks!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a rooster and a cat. They both sat on a bank of a
rushing river. On the other bank there was rooster feed and cat food.
Well after a couple of hours these two animals started to get very
hungry. So the cat jumped in and attempted to swim across.
No such luck. The cat only managed to get VERY wet.
The rooster says, "HA!" and just flies over!
What can we learn from this story?
Where ever there is a wet pussy there is a full-filled cock!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This married woman was trying to learn how to golf, and the pro was
going nuts because she couldn't get the hang of holding onto the club
correctly.
As a last resort he told her, "Look, Mrs. Johnson, I want you to try

Humor Digest - May 90

Sexual Jokes

one more thing, If it doesn't work, you'll have to face up to the fact
that you will NEVER be a golfer! Now please don't be offended, but I want
you to take hold of the club in the same manner you take hold of your
husband's penis."
The lady does so, smacks the ball, and it travels in a straight line
down the fairway 250 yards. The pro is amazed!
He turns to her and he says, "Very good! Now take the club out of
your mouth."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm so tired," complained the pretty young actress to her friend,
"last night I didn't get to sleep until after three."
"No wonder you're tired," her friend replied. "Twice is usually all
I need."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys are talking about their dogs, and how good their dogs are
at hunting.
Well, the third guy doesn't have a dog, so he decides to go out and
buy the best hunting dog he can find. He goes to a breeder, and tells the
guy he wants the best hunting dog that money can buy.
The breeder replies, "Well, you'll want Old Blue over there."
The man replies, "That dog is too old, he'll never hunt!"
With that the Breeder replies, "Ok, just watch." He yells at Old
Blue, "Go find some birds." With that, the dog gets up, and runs to some
bushes about 20 yards off, and runs around the bushes.
The man replies, "That dog is no good, he just runs around the
bushes!"
The Breeder responds, "Well watch this," and he picks up a stick,
throws it into the bushes, and two birds fly out.
The man replies, " That's great! I'll take him."
A few weeks later, he and his buddies are out hunting again, and
they're bragging about their dogs
After awhile, the guy decides it's time to show off his dog. He
yells at the dog' "Old Blue, find some birds."
With that, the dog takes off and starts running around some bushes.
The guy stands there and waits for the birds to come out.
After awhile, Old blue picks up a stick, and runs back to the man.
After the man ignores Old Blue, Old blue starts humping his leg.
The guy gets really pissed, as the other two guys are laughing at his
so called hunting dog.
The guy gets so mad, that he ends up shooting Old Blue, and throwing
his body into the trunk of his car.
He drives all the way back to the breeder and drags the dog out of
the trunk.
The breeder asks, "What happened?"
The guy replies, "This stupid dog kept running around the bushes,
then he grabbed a stick, and started humping my leg!"
The breeder replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, Old Blue was trying
to tell you he found more birds than you could shake a fuck'n stick at!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man called his wife from the hospital to tell her he'd cut his
finger off on the assembly line.
"Oh, honey," she cried, "the whole finger?"
"No," he said, "the one next to it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Sexual Jokes

Tom, Dick and Harry were standing at the Pearly Gates awaiting
entrance. St Peter said they each had to answer a question to determine
their mode of transportation.
St Peter asks, "Were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
Tom replied, "Well, St Peter, I didn't have a very good marriage and
even though there were plenty of opportunities, I only cheated on my wife
five times." St Peter gave him a bicycle.
Dick then confessed "I looked at a lot of women, perhaps lustfully,
but I only cheated on my wife once." St Peter gave him a VW bug.
Harry, with great feeling and emotion then said, "St Peter, I adored
my wife. I never looked at another woman. Not once did I cheat on my
wife." St Peter gave him a Rolls Royce.
A few weeks later, Tom and Dick saw Harry sitting on the curb next to
his Rolls crying his heart out.
"What's the problem?" they asked. "Here you are in heaven with a
Rolls Royce. What could you possibly be that unhappy about?"
To that Harry replied "I just saw my wife go by on a SKATEBOARD!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two retired banking colleagues, Harry and John, were enjoying a few
martinis over lunch when John one suddenly mused, "You know, when I was
thirty, my erection was so hard that I could grip it with both hands and
not be able to bend it." Harry nodded in understanding.
John continued: "When I was forty, I could bend it ten degrees with
the greatest of effort. At fifty, I could bend it maybe twenty degrees.
And now that I'm past sixty, I can bend it in half with one hand."
John paused to take a sip of his drink, and then said, "Harry, I
wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Olga, the Danish chambermaid at the Catskill mountain hotel, was
constantly being chased by Hirshberg, one of the guests. Every time he
got near her, she ran away from him.
One day he grabbed the pretty Dane and whispered his sexual request
in her ear. To his amazement, she agreed to meet him in his room that
night.
"If you're willing," said the man, "why did you keep running away
from me?"
"Well," said the Danish girl, "all time I tink you vant extra
towel!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two pro-football players go into a bar for a drink. They're so wide
at the shoulders that they have to sit with an empty stool between them.
Mr. Gayblade comes in, sees the two hunks, and squeezes into the
stool between them. "Get lost!" one of the pros tells him.
To which Mr. Gayblade replies, "I can sit anywhere I want." They
shake their heads in disgust.
"Say, do you fellows want to play barroom football?" he asks.
"How do you play that?" they answer.
Mr. Gayblade orders a pitcher of beer. When it arrives, he drinks
down the whole thing, slams the empty pitcher on the bar, then claims,
"Touchdown. Six points." Then he hops off the bar, drops his pants, bends
over and lets out a loud fart. "Field goal. Seven points, I'm ahead."
One of the ball players orders a pitcher, swigs it down in two gulps,
slams it on the bar, stands and drops his drawers.
Mr. Gayblade jumps behind him and whips out his cock, shouting,

Humor Digest - May 90

Sexual Jokes

"Block that point! Block that point!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a traveling salesman who was very, very tired. So he pulls
up to this big house out in the country and knocks on the door.
A man opens the door and says,"Hello?"
The traveling salesman says he is tired and needs a place to stay.
So the man at the door says,"Alright, but your gonna' have to sleep
with my son."
And the traveling salesman replies, "Oops, sorry, wrong house!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Times were getting tough for the manager of his company and he was
forced to lay off one of his two most trusted employees. It was difficult
for him mainly because Jack is such a whiz at the books, and Jane is such
a dedicated and reliable worker. Both had about the same tenure so he
couldn't fire on that reason. He decided to fire the one who arrived in
the office first the next day.
The next day Jane walked through the door, and the manager told her,
"I'm sorry Jane, and I don't know quite how to say this, but I can't
decide if I want to lay you or Jack off.
She replied "Aw, go jack off, I'm tired."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor told the young man who was about to be married, "I've
examined your bride and I have good news and bad.
First the good news, she still has her cherry.
And now the bad news, it's as big as a grapefruit."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, Cinderella's family received a letter, inviting all
eligible bachelorettes to a ball for the prince. Both of Cinderella's
step-sisters were allowed to go, but Cinderella had too much work to do.
After Cinderella's step-sisters had left for the ball, a fairy god
mother appeared and did all of Cindy's house work.
"You may now go to the ball" the fairy god mother said.
"But I've got nothing to wear" exclaimed Cindy, "No man in his right
mind would want to dance with me!"
The fairy god mother waved her wand and a golden diaphragm appeared.
"Wear this." the fairy god mother said, "This will make every man at
the ball want to screw you. But you have to be back by midnight, or it
will turn into a pumpkin!"
Cindy went to the ball and the fairy god mother waited for Cindy to
return. When Cindy finally did return, it was 2 in the morning.
"What happened, didn't it turn into a pumpkin?" asked the fairy god
mother.
"It sure did, it happened while I was talking to a man named Peter
Peter!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This lady goes to a Plastic Surgeon for a facelift. He tells her
about this great new procedure that only costs $5000 and comes with a
screw implanted in the back of the head so that when the facelift starts
to sag, all she has to do is tighten it. She takes it.
Five years later she comes back and says, "Doctor, the facelift has
been great, but why can't I get rid of these bags under my eyes?"
The doctor says, "Lady, those are your tits, and if you keep
tightening that screw, your gonna have a moustache!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Dirty Limericks

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In days long gone
When men were strong
And things weren't yet vehicular
They'd line girls up
Against the wall
And screw them perpendicular!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rare old bird is the Pelican
For his mouth can hold more than his belly-can
He'll fill up his beak
With enough food for a week
And I'll be damned if I know how-the-hell-he-can!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a Pirate named Bates
Who did the Fandango on skates
He fell on his Cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And totally useless on dates.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman from Norway
Who hung by her heels from the doorway
Who told her man Fred
Get up off the bed
I think I just found one more way!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Orleans
Who invented a fucking machine
Concave or convex
It would fuck either sex
But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman from Reno
Who lost all her money at Keno
She laid on her back
and opened her crack
And now she owns the Casino!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a drunk named McDuff
Who went out to get some strange stuff
He woke up at noon
With a fucked-out baboon
Who kissed him and asked, "Strange enough?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dairyman's son they called Brock
Hooked a milking machine to his cock
It sucked out his bladder
And what's even sadder
His eyeballs wound up in his jock.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A central vac owner named Streeter
Inserted the head of his peter
They found both his balls
In the living room walls

Humor Digest - May 90

Dirty Limericks

And his dick in a pipe by the heater.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A newlywed couple named Mattick
Heard trampolines are quite ecstatic
They yelled, "What a feeling!"
Then crashed through the ceiling
Where he polished her off in the attic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was an old lady from Heath,
Who sat on her husbands' false teeth
OH LORD! Bless his heart
She said with a start
He has bitten the part that he eateth!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a girl from Decator
Who wanted to screw an alligator
But no one knew
The end of the screw
Because after he fucked her he ate her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Boston
Who drove around in a green Austin
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was young and had no sense
I pissed upon an electric fence
It shocked my dick
It shocked my balls
And made me shit my cover-alls!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Peru
Who took a ride in a canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He played with his penis
And woke with a hand full of goo!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man who said "Tush!"
My balls always hang in the brush
And I fumble about
Half in and half out
With a pecker as limber as mush."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In days of old when Knights were bold
And toilets weren't invented
They'd leave their load
Beside the road
And walk away contented
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young couple named Kelly
Who were forced to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste

Humor Digest - May 90

Dirty Limericks

Instead of petroleum jelly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
She frowned and called him Mister
Because in sport he kissed her
And so in spite
That very night
This Mister kissed her sister.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit?
Or is it just a trick of perspective?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Nantuckett
Who got his foot stuck in a bucket
Though he tried and tried
He could not come unpried
So finally, he up and said "FUCK IT."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young woman of Glascow
Whose party proved quite a fiasco
At nine-thirty, about
The lights all went out
Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A barber who lived in Batavia
Was known for his fearless behavia
An enormous baboon
Broke in his saloon
But he murmured, "I'm damned if I'll shavia."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a guy named Dave
And to all the girls he did wave
While pleading for pleasure
His dick did they measure
and the finger was all that they gave.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a hermit named Abe
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
You must admit
It smelled like shit
But look at the money he saved!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bobby from Southworth Junction
His organ had long ceased to function
He deceived his dear wife
For the rest of her life
with the aid of his constable's truncheon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who had a peculiar feeling
So she laid on her back
And tickled her crack

Humor Digest - May 90

Dirty Limericks

And pissed all over the ceiling
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young woman named Alice
Who tried dynamite as a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And parts of her asshole in Dallas
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who had a dick so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
While wiping his chin
If my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man named McNair
Who laid his wife on the stair
The bannister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a lady from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were brought by God
But it wasn't the almighty
That lifted her nighty
It was Rodger the Codger by god.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Clean One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many real-men does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, real-men aren't afraid of the dark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a china woman with one leg?

A: Irene.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was Karen Carpenter's favorite low-calorie dessert?

A: A tray of ice cubes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a fox and a pig?

A: About 8 or 9 drinks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?

A: Bozo the Clone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why can't bikes stand up by themselves?

A: Because they're too tired.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken and a pit bull?

A: Just the pit bull.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do white supremacists tie their shoes?

A: In little Nazis.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer run over lying
dead in the middle of the road?

A: The tire skid marks before the rooster.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are Delorean autos being banned in the United States?

A: They keep trying to suck the white line up off the roads!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant, a hippo, and a rhino?

A: The Heliphino (the hell if I know).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Ethnic One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep a Pollock busy for hours?

A: Give him a card with "Please Turn Over" written on both sides.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Pollocks does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. They can't fit in a light bulb!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a fat Chinaman?

A: A Chunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't Mexicans have barbecues?

A: Because the beans always fall through the grill.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the pollock proctologist use two fingers ?

A: In case the patient wanted a second opinion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know what a Honkey Tonk is?

A: The sound an aluminum baseball bat makes hitting a white boy's
head!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where does a polish car pool meet?

A: At work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm?

A: She was driving and tried to read a stop sign.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do Helen Kellers parents punish her?

A1: They re-arrange the furniture
A2: Put doorknobs on the walls
A3: Stick a plunger in then toilet
A4: Step on her braille books with steel-spiked cleats.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Pollocks does it take to eat an armadillo?

A: Three, one to eat it and two to watch for cars.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you have when a Czech woman gets an abortion?

A: A cancelled czech!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God make niggers?

A: After making a honky, She realized that the prick was too small and
that she had forgotten to give him any balls.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Ethnic One-Liners

Q: Do you know why God invented the orgasm?

A: So niggers would know when to stop fucking.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't niggers and mexicans intermarry?

A: Because their kids would be too lazy to steal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was the pollock so excited?

A: He found out he could use Right Guard under his left arm!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the pollock get fired from his elevator operator job?

A: He forgot the route!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get a one armed pollock out of a tree?

A: Wave.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are the Pollocks latest inventions?

A: A helicopter with an ejection seat, and a solar powered flashlight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why aren't there any black astronauts?

A: They don't want to have to say YES NASA, NO NASA!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the moron wear rubbers on his ears?

A: He was afraid of hearing-aids.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Chinese does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two... if you make 'em REAL small!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is that great musical genius Stevie Wonder always smiling?

A: Because nobody told him he's a nigger.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do niggers always have sex on their minds?

A: Because they have pubic hair on their heads.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a thousand blacks on the bottom of the sea?

A: A good start.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why weren't there more blacks on the Space Shuttle?

A: They didn't know it was going to blow up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you ever hear about the Polish ice-hockey team?

Humor Digest - May 90

Ethnic One-Liners

A: They drowned during spring training.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't Pollocks ever make Kool-Aid?

A: They can't figure out how you get 2 quarts of water in that tiny
little packet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get a one-armed Pollock out of a tree?

A: Wave to him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Pollock who won a gold metal in the Olympics?

A: He took it home and got in bronzed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Polish terrorist sent to blow up a car?

A: He burned his mouth on the tailpipe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the black kid get for Christmas?

A: MY bike!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the best way to kill a black man?

A: Aim for the radio.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a car with 4 or more black guys in it?

A: The bloodmobile.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you babysit Blacks?

A: Lick their lips, and stick them to the wall
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep black kids from jumping on the bed?

A: Put velcro on the ceiling.

Q: How do you get them back down?

A: Give a mexican kid a bat and tell him its a pinata.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Gross One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know what the definition of "gross" is?

A: An old prostitute slowly sinking down a bar-stool.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's black and yellow and full of little Crispy Critters?

A: A burnt school bus.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the only part of a vegetable that you cannot eat?

A: The wheelchair!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal
thermometer?

A: The taste!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call Oprah Winfree with a yeast infection?

A: A whopper with cheese!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is black and white, and red all over?

A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does a dog lift his leg to piss?

A: To throw his ass outa' gear so he don't shit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did they take sprite on the space shuttle?

A: They couldn't get seven up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the last thing the shuttle commander said?

A: Give me a light........NO! A BUD LI........!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do women have legs?

A: So they don't leave a sticky trail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear that Oprah got busted for Drugs?

A: They found 60 lbs of Crack up her DRESS!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a whore with a runny nose?

A: FULL!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do they call AIDS the miracle disease?

A: It turns fruits into vegetables.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Gross One-Liners

Q: What did Spock and the Doctor find in Kirk's toilet?

A: The Captain's log.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the black stuff between an elephants toes?

A: Slow natives!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is the starship Enterprise like toilet paper?

A: They both circle Uranus and pick off Klingons.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Captain Kirk try to piss on the ceiling?

A: He wanted to boldly go where no man has gone before...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Sexual One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Pollock that thought his wife was trying to
kill him?

A: He found polish remover in the medicine cabinet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's Webster's new definition of the "perfect woman?"

A: A deaf, dumb, blind nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's Webster's new definition of the "perfect man?"

A: A guy with a 10 inch tongue that can breath through his ears.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a
prostitute with diarrhea?

A: Well, he shucks between fits, and she...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's six feet tall and eats ants?

A: UNCLES
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's worse than a pitbull with AIDS?

A: The guy who gave it to him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Sorority girl and a bowling ball.

A: You can only stick three fingers in a bowling ball.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Who's the most popular guy a nudist camp?

A: The one who can carry two cups of coffee and six donuts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Who's the most popular girl at a nudist camp?

A: The one who can eat the sixth donut.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you screw a fat girl?

A1: Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot!
A2: Or tell her to piss and follow it upstream!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a sigma alpha mu co-ed and a toilet
bowl?

A: Toilet bowls don't follow you around after you use them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the old man who streaked the flower show?

A: He won first prize for the best dried arrangement.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a woman who uses to much contraceptive cream?

Humor Digest - May 90

Sexual One-Liners

A: A Spermicidal maniac.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a hormone?

A: Put sand in the Vaseline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you give an eighty year old woman for her birthday?

A: Mikey. He'll eat anything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does an elephant use for a vibrator

A: An epileptic pygmy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you know their is a serial number on a condom?

A: I guess you've never rolled it down that far.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you know when you get really good head?

A: When you have to pry the bed sheets out of your ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was Rock Hudson buried with his ass out of the ground?

A: So his friends could stop by for a cold one!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is there in common between Hellen Keller giving you a blow-job
and Hellen Keller being in the Mob?

A: One slip of the tongue, and she's in deep shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do fags call hemorrhoids?

A: Speed Bumps!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A: A cherry float!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the fly fall off the toilet?

A: He was pissed off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the problem with oral sex?

A: The view.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you know AIDS is a form of food-poisoning?

A: You get it from eating rotten hotdogs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the polish woman do after sucking cock?

Humor Digest - May 90

Sexual One-Liners

A: Pulled all the feathers out of her mouth!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was Eve (as in Adam and Eve) considered to be the first
computer programmer?

A: She was holding an apple in one hand and a wang in the other.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?

A: A 20 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the advantage of being a test tube baby?

A: You get a womb with a view!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?

A: It was pissed-off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a fag with a patriot?

A: A man with one hand on his heart and another up his butt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot and a lion?

A: Something that says "Polly want a cracker . . . NOW MOTHER FUCKER!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

UnCategorized Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're fat when...
...you jump in the pool so your friends can go surfing.
...you have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.
...you get a hiccup in your swim suit and it looks like someone
adjusting a venetian blind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diplomacy is the art of being able to say "nice doggie" until you
have time to locate a rock.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
We're in a world that if you call the police and then call Domino's,
the pizza get's there first!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
COST STUDY ON A WOOD STOVE
--------------------------

In the rush to develop alternative technologies to relieve our
dependency on non-renewable fuel, the high initial costs of some "solar"
systems are being overlooked. Below is a list of expenditures covering
the first years operation of a wood burning stove.

Stove, pipe, maintenance, etc. $ 458.00
Chain Saw 149.95
Gas and maintenance for chain saw 44.60
4-wheel drive pick-up 8279.00
Replacement of rear window of pick-up (twice) 438.99
Fine for cutting trees in provincial park 500.00
Fifteen cases of beer 126.00
Tow charge from creek 50.00
Littering fine 50.00
Doctors fee for removing splinters from eye 45.00
Emergency room treatment (broken toes from dropped log) 125.00
Safety shoes 49.50
New living room carpet 899.00
Paint walls and ceiling 110.00
Log splitter 150.00
Fifteen-acre woodlot 3000.00
Replacement of coffee table (chopped up and burned
while drunk) 75.00
Divorce settlement 33678.00
---------
Total first years cost 48881.54
savings in conventional fuel first year -172.52
---------
NET cost of wood stove operation first year. 48709.02
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FINALLY. A COMPUTER THAT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN.

If you've seen the popular new personal computers, you know the major
drawback - they are so SMALL. They do not look like computers. Where are
the big dials and whirring, beeping things? Where are the spools of thick
black tape that spin from side to side?

A DISK DRIVE YOU CAN DRIVE.

Humor Digest - May 90

UnCategorized Stuff

Relax. Megadot is proud to introduce the Megadata 10,000,000
Microcomputer, the first portable computer too big to be legally
transported on many American roads. Employing the most cumbersome
macrocircuitry available today, the Megadata 10,000,000 is the only
portable computer built to withstand a direct nuclear strike. A five
hundred gigabyte internal memory vault stores a universe of information,
and also smelts ore. And how's this for convenience: the Dynarobic
fanfold tractor option is also a mini-helipad!

YOUR WIFE WILL HATE YOU.

The Megadata 10,000,000's full vent-to-bore I/O compatibility insures
months of tedious cocktail-party conversation. Naturally, a complete
software library is just one part of the total package, including:
WORDWIZ, SILICALC, INFOSNAP, SEMI-SHACK, EGGFART, DATAHUNK, choice of
HOMOMERGE or FLITBIT, SOFTSTOOL, DABBA-DOO, LOG-A-DOG Kennel Organizer,
MICRO-SNIFF, OKEYDOKEY 1.1, BONER-PRO, TWATPLOTTER, and the CROSSBOSS
II Employee Discipline Package.

The Megadata 10,000,000 is equipped with fully-featured Touch-Tronic
numeric keypad that boasts an individual key for every number from 1 to
1,000. One-stroke convenience eliminates costly calculation errors!
Megadata's patented 11,872-key character board lets you compute in any
alphabet currently known to man. Built-in ink jet printer accepts paper
up to 40 feet across, 11 miles long. Special patented process lets you
print on polished marble, too - without sticking or jamming! FCC-assured
lambent radiation reduces the size of many simple tumors, gradually
eliminates the need for sunglasses. Lead-impregnated testicle cup
included with every purchase.

NO LONGER BE ASHAMED TO BOAST, "I OWN A COMPUTER." THE MEGADATA
10,000,000 MACROCOMPUTER IS THE FIRST COMPUTER THAT DOES NOT WONDER IF YOU
ARE A HOMOSEXUAL.

Can You Afford NOT To Own A Computer That Costs $1.1 Billion?
Shipping Not Included.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

UnCategorized Sexual

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
AIDS Update Report

If you catch it from a cocktail waitress ................... BARMAIDS
If you get it from a Virgin ................................ FIRST AIDS
If you get it from someone wearing skates .................. ROLL-AIDS
If you get it from somebody at the beach .................. MERMAIDS
The place Jerry Falwell says you go for getting it ......... HAIDES
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This epitaph is on Rock Hudson's tombstone:

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
if he had stuck with pussy
he'd still be with us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - May 90

Clean Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bell-Ringer I

Quasimodo, the armless hunchback, applied for the job of bell-ringer
at Notre Dame cathedral. The head monk was skeptical, and decided to try
to discourage Quasimodo, for after all, how can a man with no arms pull on
a bell rope to sound the bell every hour? Quasimodo insisted that he
could do the job adequately, and was so persistent that the monk agreed to
accompany Quasimodo to the tower so that he could demonstrate how he would
do the job with no arms.
After a long, arduous climb up many flights of stairs, the two men
made it to the top of the tower. Quasimodo then proceeded to show the
monk how he could ring the bell without pulling on the rope: he backed up
as far as the confines of the bell room would allow, took a running start,
and slammed his _face_ into the bell with all of his might! CLANGGGGGG!
The monk was horrified, and tried to discourage Quasimodo, but he insisted
that he needed the work, and, again after a running start hurled himself
face-first into the huge bell. CLANNNGGGGGG! The monk at last agreed,
reluctantly, to hire the hunchback to ring the bells on a regular basis.
Quaismodo had been on the job for several days, performing his
gruesome task to perfection, when on one particular occasion after a
rainstorm he had the misfortune to slip on the tower's wet floor when
running for the bell, and he fell from the tall tower to his death on the
sidewalk below. A crowd quickly gathered around the unfortunate
hunchback, stunned at what had just happened. One onlooker asked, "Does
anyone know who he was...?", to which another replied, "I don't know his
name, but his face rings a bell..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bell-Ringer II

Do you remember Quasimodo, the armless hunchback, who rang the bells
with his face at Notre Dame cathedral until his untimely accident? Well,
it seems that his brother, who also was an armless hunchback, presented
himself to the head monk to ask for Quasimodo's old job, and yes, he, too,
rang the bell with his face. After extracting a promise from him to be
more careful than his brother had been, the monk hired him, and he
performed his duties efficiently as his brother before him had done.
Then came the fateful day when he, too, slipped and fell out of the
tower, meeting essentially the same fate has his brother Quasimodo had.
Once again a crown of horrified onlookers gathered 'round, and again the
question was asked, "Does anyone know who this man was...?", to which the
reply was, "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his
brother!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day there were three women who were walking along the beach.
They came upon an old brass lamp lying in the sand. Since they were women
and therefore predisposed to cleaning things anyway, they began to stroke
the lamp gently when suddenly a smoke cloud shot forth from the lamp and a
djinn appeared from the cloud.
"Thank you for releasing me from my prison," boomed the djinn. "I
will grant each of you a wish for your good deed."
The first woman spoke up quickly, declaring, "I wish to be ten times
as smart as I am now."
The djinn waved his arms and exclaimed, "Your wish is granted!"

Humor Digest - June 90

Clean Jokes

The next woman thought for a second and said, "Well, I wish to be a
hundred times as smart as the first woman."
Again the djinn waved his arms and pronounced, "So be it!"
Finally the third woman said, "Well, I wish to be a thousand times
smarter than the last woman!"
The djinn grinned hugely, waved his arms, and turned her into a MAN.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was this little old man from the hills who wandered into
the settlement one day to get some supplies. He happened upon this
supermarket and proceeded to shop. When he got to the checkout,the clerk
was ringing up his items, when the old man said, "Dammit I almost forgot,
do you have any, uh, toilet paper?"
The clerk said "Of course"
The old man said "What is the cheapest kind ya got?"
The clerk replied, "Well that would be the generic brand."
"What's Generic?!?" said the old man.
The clerk answered,"Oh, you know that is the no-name brand over
there."
So the old man bought some of it and left. A week later he returned
and said to the clerk,"Ya know, I got a name for that there no-name toilet
paper."
"Really?"questioned the clerk.
"Yeah, John Wayne Toilet Paper---It's rough and tough and it don't
take no shit offa nobody!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into a doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, he hears a series of screams and moans from the
examining rooms, followed by a hastily departing nun. Moments later the
doctor appears, with an immensely satisfied grin on his face.
Man: "What on earth happened back there?"
Doc: "I just told Sister Mary she was pregnant."
Man: "Goodness, is she?"
Doc: "Of course not."
Man: "Well then, that was an awful thing to say!"
Doc: "On the contrary, it cured her hiccups."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When two six foot tall mosquitos alighted in front of a man. He was
so horrified, that he was unable to move.
One of the mosquitos said, "Should we eat him here or take him back
home with us?"
The other one said, "Let's eat him here. If we take him back, the
big mosquitoes will take him away from us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A traveler stopped to observe the curious behavior of a farmer who
was plowing his field. The single mule hitched to the plow was wearing
blinders, and the farmer was yelling, "Giddyap, Pete! Giddyap, Herb!
Giddyap, Ol' Bill! Giddyap, Jeb!"
After watching the farmer carry on like this for a while, the
traveler asked, "Say, mister, how many names does that mule have?"
"Just one, his name is Pete."
"Then why do you call out Herb & Bill & Pete, & Jeb?"
"It's like this," explained the farmer. "If Ol' Pete knew he was
doing all this work alone, I couldn't make him do it. But if he thinks
he's got three other mules workin' alongside of him, he does the whole job

Humor Digest - June 90

Clean Jokes

all by himself."
"What a marvelous idea!" exclaimed the traveler. And when he got
back to his corporate office in New York, he invented the committee.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two retired Jewish millionaires met in Florida and were explaining to
each other how they made their money.
The first one says, "I built a new factory to manufacture textiles
and insured it for 10 million dollars. Unfortunately, it was only open
one day when it burned to the ground."
The second one says, "My story is similar. I built a factory to
manufacture mufflers. Unfortunately, it was only open two days, when it
was destroyed by a terrible flood.
So the first millionaire says, "How did you start a flood?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness
to bag moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the
pilot said,"I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose
please." When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly
standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only to bring back one
moose!" the furious flier screamed. "there's no way the plane can take
off with that much weight!."
"You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two moose
last year, and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."
Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "All
right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." So they loaded up,
and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The
plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the
overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space, and crashed into the trees.
Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?"
one asked.
His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the
edge of the lake, and replied,"Oh I guess about 100 yards farther than
last year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were three pregnant Indian squaws laying on animal hides about
to give birth.
The first squaw, who was laying on a buffalo hide, gave birth to a 6
lb. 5 oz. baby boy.
The second, who was laying on a deer hide, gave birth to a 5 lb. 5
oz. baby boy.
The third, who was laying on a hippopotamus hide, gave birth to twin
boys totalling 11 lb. 10 oz.
Therefore, we can conclude that the sons of the squaw on the
hippopotamus hide equals the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A workman is painting the ceiling of a convent, waaayyy up on a
ladder, when he drops his paintbrush.
"Son of a bitch!" he yells.
At that very moment, Mother Superior happens to walk into the room
and hear him.
"I will not tolerate obscenity in a House of the Lord! If you must
say something, say Jesus, Mary, and Joseph."
The workman grunts a response, gets his brush and continues his
work. Sure enough, a few minutes later he drops the brush again.

Humor Digest - June 90

Clean Jokes

"Son of a... I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!"
Mother Superior looks at him approvingly when all of a sudden the
brush levitates off the floor right back into his hand!
Mother Superior says, "Son of a bitch!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry Sharp finally developed a way to clone human beings. To test
it, he made a duplicate of himself, and took the duplicate before a board
of peers. However, Harry's system had some bugs.
At the review, Harry, asked his duplicate to recite the method of
cloning for the board, upon which the duplicate recited the most foul
string of obscenities ever heard. Harry was aghast, and struck the
duplicate, causing it to fall out of a window, to it's death from the 5th
floor room they were in.
Harry was arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble selling
it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to
promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in
different towns in order to drum up publicity.
While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and
offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the
Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could
see what he was doing at night.
This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for
sunken treasure, but had had no luck. One day, while wading back onto the
beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and
emeralds!
Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, "Well it just goes
to show you that booty is only shin deep!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Ukrainians went hunting when one accidentally shot the other.
The shooter rushed the shot to the hospital and watched while they wheeled
his friend into the O.R.
Ten minutes later the doctor came out peeling off is gloves and
shaking his head. Our friend Worriedly asked, "He not make it Doctor?"
The doctor said his friend was dead.
"Anything I should of done?" asked the shooter.
"Well," replied the doctor, "If that ever happens to you again, for
goodness sake, don't gut him!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This family just moved into a new town. They had two little hellion
boys that just terrorized the teachers at their previous school. The
nearest school in their new town was a Catholic school.
Well, they weren't Catholic, but they decided to send their two boys
there anyway hoping, perhaps, that the Nuns there would be able to
straighten these boys out. One day, the younger of the two, after
numerous incorrigible acts, so infuriated a nun that she grabbed him by
the scruff of the neck, and hauled him down to the head priest.
The head priest sat him down across from his desk, and told him
"Satan is controlling you. He is why you are bad. Don't you know, that
no matter where you are or what you do, that God is always there, always
watching you? God is everywhere. He's at your home, here at school,

Humor Digest - June 90

Clean Jokes

where ever you are, He is there, whether you are naughty, nice, good or
bad, he is always there watching you!" He spoke for 15 minutes, hoping to
get through to the boy.
After he was done with his speech, he asked the boy "Now, where is
God?"
The boy just shrugged.
Again, the priest asked "Where is God?"
Again, the boy just shrugged.
By now, the priest was getting upset, and pointed at the boy and
asked "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy looked around, under his chair, dropped his head down a
little bit and shrugged.
The priest was furious by now, and yelled at the boy "Go home! Get
your mother, and bring her back here with you!"
Well, by this time, school was already out, and all the kids had gone
home, so the boy runs home as fast as he can. When he gets home, his
older brother is outside playing. He runs over to him, grabs a hold of
him and says, "Get in the house, we're in big trouble."
He pulls his brother inside the house, "Come on upstairs, quick!"
Upstairs they went.
He pulls his brother in the bedroom, "Get in here, fast!"
He opens the closet "Get in here, NOW!"
He closes the closet door and says "We're in real big trouble now!"
His brother asks, "What, what is it? What did we do?"
"God is missing, and they're blaming us!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a ladies car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she
bought a large back of Cat Litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that
she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the
job.
The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he
said, "Lady, it that were my cat, I'd put him outside."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The priest had to be out of town for a few weeks, so a replacement
was brought in to hear confessions. During the confessions, several women
from the parish told the priest that they had committed adultery. The
priest told them that the word "Adultery" was a little strong, and that
they should used the word "Slipped" instead.
Well, after a few weeks, the regular priest returned, and, not
knowing the substitute priests usage of the word "Slip", was surprised to
hear that the women thought that slipping was a sin...
The priest decided to have a talk with the groundskeeper, telling him
that he needed to take better care of the sidewalks, as several of the
women were slipping frequently. The groundskeeper (knowing what they had
meant), immediately started laughing.
The priest looked at him and said "I don't know what you're laughing
about, your wife slipped three times last week!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything, But one day he
heard about this Oregon Lottery... He began to think about it, and think
about it... Then a couple of days later, he asked the Lord:
"You know Lord, I never asked you for anything, I've been going to
church every Sunday, Praising you and thanking you for what I have, And I
sure would like to win that lottery!" Well a couple of years went by and

Humor Digest - June 90

Clean Jokes

Uncle Pete still wanted to, and didn't win that Oregon Lottery.
One day while plowing a field he starts thinking about not winning
the lottery, and get frustrated, so he decides to ask the Lord why He
won't help him win the lottery.
He yelled up at the sky,"Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' but
ta' win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help, Well WHY?"
Then the clouds above began to part and in a booming voice he heard
the Lord say: " Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this, You have to buy a
ticket first."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into his doctor's office and he has a frog growing out of
his forehead.
The doctor looks at him and says "How did this happen?"
The frog then says " I don't know, he started out as a wart on my
ass."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy who is in the hospital is listening to his doctor. The doctor
says "Well we have good news and we have bad news."
The guy, being brave, says "OK doc, give me the bad news."
The doctor says "We are going to have to amputate both your feet."
The man says "My GOD! What's the good news?"
The doc replies "The man in the next room wants to buy your bedroom
slippers..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a funeral home, a friend comes over and asks, "How did your
Mother-in-Law Die?"
The man replied, "She fell in a Wishing Well!"
The friend looking surprised says, "I didn't know those things
worked!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men have been on a deserted island for 12 years: an Englishman,
a Welshman and an Irishman. One day the Englishman is walking down the
beach and spies a bottle. He takes it back to the hut and shows it to his
buddies. In the course of handling the bottle, it gets rubbed and....
(well, you know the rest)... A genie appears and offers them three
wishes. After a little deliberation they decide that each man will take
one wish. The Genie agrees and asks the Englishman what he wants....
"To be back in Blighty, watching cricket and sipping tea!", he
replies. There's a WHOOOOOSH, and the Englishman disappears.
The genie asks the Welshman the same question.
"To be back in Pontypool, playing rugby and singing hymns!" WHOOOSH,
the Welshman disappears!
"What is your wish?", the genie asks the Irishman. "Well, I wish
Cedric and John hadn't rushed off like that, I didn't get to say
"Goodbye!"
WHOOOOOOOOOSH!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man driving up to a ski lodge in Colorado this winter had the
misfortune to get stuck in the snow along the way. Looking forward to his
vacation, he walked the remaining 3 miles through the snowstorm to the
lodge.
When he arrived, he noticed a group of lawyers sitting around the
fireplace, who did not make room for him to warm himself. One of them
noticed how bad he looked and commented "You look like you been to Hell

Humor Digest - June 90

Clean Jokes

and back!". While another said "Maybe you can tell us what it's really
like there!".
The man replied, "It's pretty much the same as here: all the lawyers
are closest to the fire".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
John lives in a subdivision that branches off of the main highway.
He drives a corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are "STOP" and "FULL
SPEED".
One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road
from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and
sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to
a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who
had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said "Mister, I've been
waiting for you all morning..."
John replied "Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after
careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his
sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of
white gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for herself. During
the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the
sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the
package and sent it to her with this note.

Dear Darling,
This is a gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I
chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade,
but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for
three weeks that were not too badly soiled. I had the sales girl try them
on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for the
first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them
before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in
them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might
shrink. I hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday
night.

All my love,

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - June 90

Ethnic Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stash, a pollack, lives on a steep and thickly grassed hill with a
lake at the bottom. Every week, he would go out and mow the lawn. After
countless months of pushing the mower up and down the hill he decided
there had to be a better way, so he tied a rope to the mower, stands at
the top of the hill and lowers the mower down and pulls it back up.
This works fine until the rope breaks and the mower rolls down the
hill into the lake. He immediately runs down the hill and jumps into the
lake after it.
His friend, who has been watching, becomes concerned when, after
several minutes, his friend does not come out of the lake. There is a
tree nearby with an overhang limb, so he climbs out and looked down into
the lake. Sure enough, there is his friend pulling away on the starter
rope, so he hollers down "CHOKE IT STASH, CHOKE IT!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems these two black dudes where walking down the street one day
when they came upon a D-TANNING SALON. It had a sign on the wall that
read, "GRAND OPENING ... D-TANNING SPECIAL ... 99 cents for 15
minutes".
Said the first black to his friend, "Dat sounds good; I'd sure like
to get rid of some of dis black col'r". With that he dug in his pocket
and came up with only 98 cents.The second black then dug in his pocket and
come up with a dollar. "Look'a here, bro, I'll give it a try first and if
it works, then you can go in" and with that, he goes in.
After about 20 minutes, he comes out. He now had a light tan, kinda
like a white boy gets in mid summer. Even his hair was brown with streaks
of blond.
The first black got all excited, saying, "Bro, you sure look good!
Now, give me the money so I can go get me a treatment!"
To which the other guy said, "STICK YOU NIGGER! GET A JOB!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys contract to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know
how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole
with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying
to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a BIG
black guy.
After asking what they're doing he reaches around the pole and pulls
it on of the ground and lays it down. "There you go," he says as he walks
away.
Thee two men look at each other and one said. "Those stupid blacks
will never get anywhere. We don't need to know how wide it is just how
tall"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his
shoulder.
"Wow!" says the bartender. "That is really something. Where did you
get it?"
"Africa." says the parrot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Pole who lost $50 on the Football game?
$25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three Guys on a roof. One's Mexican One's black and one's Polish.
The building is burning down and the fire department shows up.

Humor Digest - June 90

Ethnic Jokes

Fireman: "Hey, Mexican, jump and we will catch you in the net."
He jumps and the firemen move the net out of the way and he bounces
off the ground.
Fireman: "Hey black dude jump and we will catch you in the net."
Black Dude: "No way you let the Mexican die."
Fireman: "We just don't like mexicans. We will catch you. Jump!"
The black guy jumps and bounces off the ground dead.
Fireman: "Hey pollack you better jump the fire is spreading."
Pollack: "No way you'll move the net. Set it on the ground and then
I'll jump!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A high school basketball coach after having been accused of racial
discrimination decided to handle it in his own way.
He said, "On this team, there are no White players, and there are no
Black players. All I see, are Green Players! All right, now lets
practice... I want all the Light Green Players over here, and all the
Dark Green Players over there!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After taking a few lessons on flying a helicopter, the Moron took his
first solo flight. After reaching an altitude of about 300 feet, he and
the helicopter came crashing to the ground.
Afterward, when asked what had happened, he said: "The last thing I
remember, is that it started to get chilly up there, so I turned off the
Overhead Fan!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - June 90

Gross Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two guys riding a camel in the dessert. One guy has wicked
chapped lips and the other guys lips are fine. When they come to a stop
the guy with the chapped lips is puts his hand in the camels ass, pulls
out a handfull of shit, and rubs it on his lips. The other guy thinks
this is kind of strange, but decides to keep quiet about it.
So there after everytime they stop the guy with the chapped lips puts
his hand in the camels ass, pulls out a handfull of shit, and rubs it on
his lips.
Finally the other guy can't stand it any longer and asks, "What's the
deal with the camel shit? Is there some kind of magic in it?"
The other guy turns and says to him, "No it just keeps me from
licking my lips."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was a customer in a bakery and while she was waiting her turn
she idly glanced through the door to the back room of the bakery and
watched a baker in front of an oven while he was working.
The baker took a small piece of dough from a tray, pressed the dough
against his belly button and then threw the piece of dough on to a tray in
the oven. The man did this continuously for several minutes.
The woman was the curious type and when her turn came to be waited on
she asked the clerk what the man was doing.
The clerk said the man was shaping pieces of dough into cookies.
The woman stated that this was not very sanitary.
The clerk said, "If you think that is unsanitary, you should see him
when he makes the bagels."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes in to see the proctologist. The proctologist has him
up on the table and says, "Well, there sure is something unusual here. I
can't really see. I wish I had a light."
The patient grunts and groans and passes a beer can out of his anus.
The doctor says, "No, I meant a butt light".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A huge truck driver is sitting at a bar having a drink when this
little pipsqueak of a guy walks in and asks who own's the pit bulldog
outside.
The truck driver hollers "It's MY dog! What's it to you!"
The little runt says "Nothing, but I think my dog just killed
yours..."
The truck driver jumps up and says "WHAT! What kind of dog do you
have anyway?"
The other guy replies "A toy poodle."
"A poodle!" the truck driver yells. "How in the hell can a poodle
kill a pit bulldog!?!"
"Well," replied the little guy," I think he choked on it..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A vietnam vet with a limp is out walking one day. Coming toward him
from the opposite direction he see's another man walking and dragging his
foot.
As they meet the vet say's "Nam 1969."
The other man replies, "Dogshit 4th and main!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - June 90

Other Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind guy was standing at a street corner with his seeing eye dog
when the dog hiked his leg and proceeded to take a leak on the blind guys
pants leg. The blind guy then reaches in his pants and gets a doggy
biscuit and hands it down to the dog.
A woman passing by saw this incidence and walked up to the man and
said' "NO! you shouldn't give your dog a reward! He just pissed on your
pants."
The blind guy says, "I'm not trying to reward him, I'm trying to find
his face so I can kick him in the ass!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this guy who was hunting close to a barn. Suddenly, a wild
duck flies out from it's hiding place... the hunter aims and shoots...
BINGO! A perfect hit, with the exception that the duck ended up INSIDE
the barn. He looks around checking for guard-dogs and since he doesn't
see any, he jumps the fence and goes towards a cabin in the barn to pick
up his prize.
As he bends to pick up his duck, a redneck steps out of the cabin and
yells at him: "Hey! Leave that duck alone! What the hell are you doing
inside my property?"
The hunter explains to him that the duck is his since he shot it
down. They end up having a discussion about who will end up with the
duck.
Then the redneck says to the other guy: "Ok, let's settle this the
local way..."
The hunter asks how does that work, and the redneck replies: "We kick
each other in the groin, as hard as we can, until one of us gives up. The
one who can ends up with the duck, ok?"
The hunter agrees, and asks who will go first.
The redneck claims to be first since they are in the barn.
After grinding his teeth, the hunter says ok. The redneck takes a
swing and kicks the hunter... the hunter is in the floor now, screaming
his head out and rolling in the grass like he's being eaten alive by
fireants.
After ten minutes of REAL intense pain, the hunter, panting, gets on
his feet and says: "My turn now!"
The redneck replies "I give up... you can keep the duck!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear the one about the atheist that went to the whore house?
He went in and paid his money, picked out a girl and went upstairs.
When they got to the room she asked if he wanted the light on or
off. He said off. She laid down on the bed and asked "what religion are
you?" to which he replied atheist. About that time he dropped his pants
and she was staring at that BIG ol thing hanging down between his knees.
She jumped up, and said "You'll have to pick someone else, I can't handle
that!"
So, they went back down stairs, he picked another girl, and back up
they went. She asked do you want the light on or off? He said on. She
asked what religion are you? He replied atheist. And again, she couldn't
handle what she saw.
So, back downstairs they went, he picked out another and they went
back up. However, by now he had figured out what he was doing wrong. She
asked, do you want the light on or off? He replied OFF! She asked what's
your religion? He replied atheist. Then climbed in bed with her. She
said, Oh , your one of those people that don't believe in...JESUS CHRIST!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was the sales man who was selling condoms door to door. The
first house he stopped at, a lady answered the door. The sales man said,
"Hi, I'm selling condoms".
About this time the lady had pulled out a cigarette and began smoking
it. The sales man went on, "Would you like to buy one?" The sales man was
stunned when the lady pulled out another cigarette and started to smoke
the two at the same time!
Then, The lady asked "What are condoms?"
The sales man replied (Taking advantage of the lady and her
cigarettes) "Well, You put them over your cigarettes and smoke them!" The
lady took one and placed it over the cigarette and smoked it!
"Pretty good" she said and bought 5 more.
The next day, the lady had ran out of condoms so she ran down to the
nearest convenience store and the man at the counter, "Do you have any
condoms?"
The man replied, "What size?"
To which the lady replied,"Do you have any that fit camels?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, a young couple was going to
get married. Now in this country, young people knew very little about
sex, and just before the wedding ceremony, another couple was chosen to
explain the 'facts' to them.
Now the couple that was chosen were notorious practical jokers, and
they planned a DOOZY for the bride and groom.
The husband met the groom in the room that was prepared, and said to
him, "You gotta be careful, 'cause some girls have TEETH down there, and
if you're not careful, she'll bite off your thing! So test her with your
knee first."
The groom, now slightly nervous agreed that he would.
Meanwhile in another room the wife was talking to the bride about a
similar subject...
"See, those things come in different sizes. You have to watch out
for the big ones; sometimes they are so big that a girl wouldn't survive
the experience, so when he comes at you, put your hand in front of you and
see what size it is first. Men are so full of lust at this moment that

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

they will not listen to you, so use your fingernails to fight him off."
The ceremony was beautiful, and soon came the honeymoon. The groom
turned off the lights, and they both got undressed and into bed.
Two minutes later screams issued forth from the honeymoon suite.
And they slept separately ever after.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This prostitute was in bed after finishing with a john and she
noticed he left his condom on the bed. Feeling tired, she threw the
condom out of the window next to the bed instead of getting up and
disposing of it in the toilet.
She fell asleep and several hours later, she woke up and glanced out
the window. She noticed a little boy had picked the condom and was
playing with it. She didn't want him to have it so she said "Hey kid,
I'll pay you 10 dollars for that twinkie."
The boy readily agreed, and ran home with his money. Upon arriving
home, he yell, "Mommy, Mommy! This girl paid me 10 dollars for a twinkie
and I had already licked the cream out of the middle!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nun and a priest were traveling through the North African desert to
establish an outpost of civilized religion among the heathens.
After some five days of travel without passing water they began to
dehydrate. Even the camel they were riding began to falter. Finally the
camel died and they ran out of water and they were faced with death. They
talked about their end in a far off lonely place. They had no way of
getting back to civilization without the camel.
As they began to talk of impending death the priest said, "Sister, I
have never in my life seen the naked body of a woman. Would you let me
see yours'?"
The nun replied "Yes." and thereupon she stripped and the priest
looked at her body with curiosity.
The nun said, "Father, I too have been curious about the human body
and I have never seen the nude body of the opposite sex. May I see
yours'?"
The priest said "If that is your last wish I will gladly accede." He
stripped and the nun looked at his body and stared at his tool.
The priest noticed her starring at it and took it in his hand and
said "This is the part of a man that gives life."
The nun replied "Then why the hell don't you use it on the camel?!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple get married and, on the wedding night, the husband says,
"Darling,all that I have is yours. I have only one request: the top
drawer of my dresser is private to me and I ask you never to open it."
Well, they're married for twenty-five years and, although she was
tempted many times to look in the drawer, she always resisted. One day he
has a heart attack. Late at night she comes home from visiting him at the
hospital. She's so lonely and depressed at the thought that she might
lose him, she finally looks into the drawer.
When the husband recovers and returns home, she confesses that in a
moment of weakness, she looked in the drawer. The husband says, "Well, I
can understand why you did it and I suppose you want to ask me something,
so go ahead." "Well", she says, "All I saw in the drawer were three golf
balls and $500.00 in cash. Why didn't you want me to see it?"
The husband replies, "During our marriage, whenever I was unfaithful
to you I put a golf ball in the drawer."

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

"During twenty-five years of marriage, you were always good to me.
If you were only unfaithful to me three times, I guess I can forgive you
for that. What is the $500.00 for?"
"Well, each time I got a dozen balls in the drawer, I sold them for
25 cents each."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems there was this fellow who frequented whore houses, and had a
very unusual way of gratification.
One day, he went into the local house, and asked the Madam, for her
most accommodating girl.She pondered for a moment, and Called for Suzie.
They went up into the room, where the man had Suzie strip and lay on
the bed. He then got on the bed, squatted over her, and shit on her
chest, paid his money and left. He thereafter began to visit every week
becoming a regular. On each visit, the same thing happened.
One day, he came to call on Suzie, horny as a heathen, but also
constipated as a crippled coon. After he squatted over Suzie all he could
manage was a high, shrill fart. Suzie began to cry uncontrollably.
Looking up at the man, with tear filled eyes said, "You don't love me
anymore..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two nuns are riding their bicycles toward the convent when one nun
says to the other nun "Gee, I've never come this way before".
The other nun replies "I know, I think it's the cobblestones".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight.
When an attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like
cocktails, the rabbi said,"Yes, I'd like a Manhattan, please."
"No thank you," the priest said, turning to explain to his seatmate.
"As a priest, I can't drink or fornicate."
"Wait a second,"the rabbi said, standing and waiving at the flight
attendant, "I didn't know I had a choice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area.
One day the mother superior called in the teenagers who were about to
leave. "You're going into a sinful world," she said. "I must warn you
that men will take advantage of you. They'll buy you drinks and dinner,
take you to their apartments, undress you and do terrible things to you.
Then they'll give you $20 or $30 and kick you out."
"Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said. "You mean men will
take advantage of us and give us money?"
"Yes child. Why do you ask?"
"Because the priests only give us candy."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy returns home from his regular club meeting carrying a trophy.
His wife asks him how he earned it.
He says, "I won it in a longest penis contest."
She says, "My, how awful, to show your penis in front of all those
men."
He says, "It wasn't that bad. I only had to show enough to win."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Superman was very horny and went out on the town to find himself a
lady. As he flew around he spotted Batman and said "Batman, let's go out
on the town and find ourselves some women, I'm really horny!"
Batman said he was too busy and couldn't join him.

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

Superman flew on and met up with Spiderman and extended the same
invitation. Spiderman declined also.
Superman flew on and came upon this desert island and saw Wonder
Woman laying spread eagle and buck ass naked on the island. Elated at
such easy prey, Superman flew in on her, zinged her 3 or 4 times and flew
off.
Wonder Woman said "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible man replied "I don't have any idea, but my ass is
killing me!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the wife asks her husband to repair the dishwasher, he replies
smartly, "Who do you think I am, Mr. Maytag?"
She says, "Well, alright then, fix the car instead."
He comebacks back with: "Who do you think I am, Mr. GoodWrench? I
think I'll just go play golf instead."
So he carts off to the golf course. Around the 5th hole, he begins
to feel guilty, so he quits his game, and returns home.
He goes into the house, and tells his wife that he is ready to repair
the dishwasher and car.
She replies, "They have already been fixed."
He inquires as to who made these repairs.
She replies, "The next door neighbor."
He asks, "Well, what did you pay him."
"Nothing, he gave me two choices. Either bake him something, or come
over to his bedroom."
"Well, what did you bake him?"
She curtly replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hunter asks a farmer if it is ok to hunt on his land. The farmer
says it's no problem.
While hunting the hunter sees something move and he shoots. When he
inspects it, he finds he shot a scrawny cow. So he goes back to the
farmer and confesses.
"Oh no! not a scrawny little heffer?", cries the farmer.
"Yea", says the hunter "but why are you so upset about that scrawny
thing?"
"That heffer's got a pussy just like a woman", explained the farmer.
"Hey! No problem!", says the hunter "I'll just introduce you to my
wife. She's got a pussy just like a COW!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this women who was having problems with her sex life, she
was just not getting enough sex from her guy ( I wish she was my girl) so
she went to see a sex therapist.
After explaining her problem the doctor gave her a pill to slip in
her boyfriends drink next time they had dinner and he assured her she
would be in for a great time.
The next day the doctor called her up and asked how she went, and the
girl said she everything was perfect except for one thing. "Well what was
that?" the doctor asked.
"Well I slipped the tablet into his drink at dinner and then he went
wild, he grabbed me and kissed me and touched me like never before, then
he pushed everything off the table and we made wild passionate steamy love
right there on the dinner table, it was the best ever"
The doctor then asked "Then what was your problem?

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

"I don't think we'll be welcome at McDonalds anymore"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob had just finished washing his hands when he started to shave with
a straight razor. Unfortunately he left a little bit of soap on his
hands, and when he was shaving his neck, the razor slipped out of his hand
and cut off his dick.
Bob then proceeded to say, "Well I'll be a son of a bitch".
And his dick looked up at him and said, "You sure are a son of a
bitch, for all these years we have been fist fighting, then all of the
sudden you pulled a knife on me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination
were taken by an old priest in to a luxurious room, told to strip and then
tie a small bell around their organ.
Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room, and one bell ding a
linged furiously.
"To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest.
Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding a
ling, ding a ling.
"Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too."
Finally, alone with the naked lovely girl, the remaining seminarian
watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained
calm and the bell stayed silent.
"Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest
exulted. "You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers."
DING-A-LING.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl as she was
reciting her confession: it was all too much for him. He told her to come
with him to his room. There, he place his arm around her.
"Did the young man do this to you?" he asked.
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.
"Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her.
"Did he do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said.
"Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt and
fingered her bush.
"Yes, Father, and worse."
By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl
down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he
asked,"Did he manage to do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl.
When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked,"He did this
too, and worse? My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?"
"Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me
gonorrhea."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple in their seventies went to the doctor's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?
The man answered, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse"?
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There was nothing
wrong with the way you had intercourse", and he charged them a $32.00
fee. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out"?
The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is
married so we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my
place. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $78.00. We
do it here for $32.00 and get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the
Doctor's office".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were two guys that played charades every week, betting big
money. Tom always seemed to win, and Joe always lost. Joe planned and
planned, and came up with what he thought was the perfect way to win back
his money.
The day came to bet, and Joe brought in seven naked women. He placed
them so that the first one had her back to Tom, the second was facing him,
the third with her back to him, the fourth facing him, and the last three
with their backs to him. "Guess that one!" he exclaimed, triumphantly.
"Ah, that's easy--the William Tell Overture," responded Tom.
"How did you guess?" asked Joe.
"Rump titty rump titty rump rump rump!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A clerk in a grocery store was confronted by a man who demanded to
buy 1/2 a head of lettuce. The clerk explained that the man could not buy
just 1/2, and the man proceeded to get obnoxious and head for the produce
aisle with a knife to get his 1/2 head of lettuce.
The clerk got the manager and explained to him that "Some asshole
wants to buy 1/2 head of lettuce, and I told that dumb shit that he
couldn't". As he was talking to the manager, the man came up behind him
and overheard the remark about the "asshole, dumb shit".... the clerk,
realizing too late that the man was behind him, quickly added "And this
nice gentleman has graciously offered to buy the other 1/2...."
The man purchased his 1/2 head of lettuce, and was off. The manager,
speaking to the clerk, told him, "I like your style, that was some quick
thinking back there! I'd like to offer you a promotion, I'll make you the
new manager of our store up in Winnipeg!"
"Winnipeg?!" The clerk replied, "There's nothing in Winnipeg but
whores and hockey players!"
"Waitaminute!" The Manager yelled, "My WIFE is from Winnipeg!"
"Oh yea? And what position does she play, sir?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young gold-digger had her eye set on a wealthy 80-year-old. She
begged him for marriage, but he demurred, "My sweet, you are young and
attractive, while I am old and worn out. I'm sorry, but I fear I could
never satisfy you.
"But it's YOU I want," she persisted. "Look, I've heard about a
technique that doctors use to restore a man's virility. It's called
penile prosthetics. You replace your, umm, very experienced but impotent
penis with something more capable. Please? Please will you get one?
It would make me SO happy! And then we could marry
and live happily together for the rest of our lives. I only want this for
you!"
"Well, perhaps we should investigate this," replied the codger. So
off to the doctor's office they went.
She had heard right. "There are indeed ways to restore a man's

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

sexual function through prosthetics," the doctor began. "We have a
variety of options here. First, we can give you a penis of THIS size
[holds up an average-sized dildo; the lady looks interested], or we can
provide something a bit more formidable, if you don't mind the ego boost
sir," and the doctor, smiling, holds up a tool about 8X2 inches; the girl
perks up a bit. "Or... if the lady is truly adventurous, there is no
reason we can't replace your current equipment with something decidedly
effective." And of course he shows off a positively huge flesh-colored
shillelagh.
The girl claps her hands and giggles and exclaims, "Yes! YES!
That's the one we want!"
The doctor waves her calm again, and leads into his next pitch.
"These are all very nice of course, and if you decide you want one of
them, no problem. But I'd like to introduce you to a brand-new technique
called ... Pachydermial olfactorisis, or baby elephant trunk
transplants. It's new, but has had extremely, shall we say, satisfying
results. Basically we replace the man's penis with the trunk of a baby
elephant. Not a poached elephant, of course! What do you think?"
The couple thought it over, though the gutsy youngster had her mind
made up within a second, and decided to try it. The procedure was indeed
VERY rewarding... The old man, now convinced that he could keep the girl
happy, agreed to the marriage.
Things went fine, and finally the big day arrived. The families
gathered at the prospective groom's mansion for a pre-nuptial
celebration.
Dinner followed introductions and cocktails, and soon all were
seated, and served. The dinner went fine, until the mother of the bride,
seated slightly opposite the groom, stopped speaking in mid-sentence. She
had just seen a gray object poke up from the groom's lap, feel around a
bit, grab a baked potato, and disappear beneath the table!
After digesting this odd scene, she asked the groom, "I'm not sure
what I just saw there. Could you, perhaps, repeat it?"
The groom responded, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think there's
room in my ass for another potato!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SOOTH SAYER

Little Johnny came home from a school carnival scared out of his
wits. When asked the problem, Johnny told his parents that his palm had
been read at the carnival and he was told that his mother would die a week
from Wednesday, and that he would die the following Wednesday and that his
father would die the third Wednesday. His parents calmed little Johnny
down and told him that all this was humbug and not to worry.
Alas and to everyone's surprise little Johnny's mother did die
Wednesday from a sudden stroke and the following Wednesday little Johnny
was hit and killed by a drunk. Of course little Johnny's father was shook
by all this and it was the third Wednesday before he came to his senses.
When he realized that it was Wednesday he was a bit relieved and
decided to fix breakfast and read the paper. He went to the front door
for the paper, opened the door and there on the steps was the milkman -
dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The staff at our local zoo has been quite upset. The female ape had
quit eating and drinking and just sat moping in her cage. The zoo staff

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

had done everything known to vet science but the Ape was still depressed
and seemingly doomed to die.
Then one day, the staff heard the female Ape grunting and beating her
chest. On checking out the scene they found that she had eaten all of her
food and drank water and was standing at the bars staring wistfully at a
big male black who was sitting on a bench a short distance away. After
contemplating the Ape's behavior the staff came to the conclusion that the
ape was in love with the black and ran out to enlist his services. "Sir,
it would be worth $500.00 for you to make love to our Ape. You can see
that she's quite taken with you", said the zoo keeper.
Well, John Brown kind of rolled his eyes and told the staff that he
was willing but there would be three conditions.
"First" said John, "If that Ape comes down with any disease, it ain't
my fault." "Second, if that Ape gets pregnant, I ain't responsible."
The zoo staff assured John that the first two conditions would be met
and then asked about the third condition.
"Well the third condition concerns that $500.00. The only way I will
do it is if I can pay it out on time -- Say $50.00 a month!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Aggie women, late for the Superbowl game in New Orleans were
driving down I-10 at a high rate of speed. They unknowingly passed a
state trooper who was parked by the side of the road relieving himself.
The trooper jumps in his car, catches up with the law-breakers, and pulls
them over. He walks up and taps on the window (not realizing he forgot to
zip up his pants).
The Aggie girl driving the car, looked at the other and said, "Oh
no! Not another breath-a-lyzer test!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day this guy was complaining about an ache in his arm, when a
friend suggested that he go see the new doctor in town. He said that this
new doctor had every new piece of electronic equipment that was available
and could tell you exactly what was wrong with you, right away. The guy
didn't believe this, but after awhile his arm got a lot worse and he
decided to give this new doctor a try.
So, he went to the doctor's office and was surprised to see that
there was no examining rooms or labs, just a receptionist, a small office
that the doctor was in and a huge room filled with computers and
electronic devices. The doctor told the guy that he could find out
exactly what was wrong with him, by simply placing a urine sample in his
analyzer and letting the computer evaluate it. The guy was skeptical, but
gave the doctor a sample. The doctor placed it into the analyzer and in
less than a minute he looked at the results, said that the guy had
tendonitis, wrote him out a prescription and told him to bring in another
urine sample in 2 weeks.
When he went out, the receptionist gave him a bill for $100. He
asked her why it was so much when all he did was test a urine sample and
she said it was because of the cost of all the equipment. He paid it, but
decided that the doctor was pulling a scam. After all, anyone would
figure that he had tendonitis when his arm was hurting. He was sure the
doctor was getting rich by preying on the ignorant and naive.
After 2 weeks, his arm was feeling a lot better, but he was still
sure that the doctor was a fake and decided to expose him. He put some of
his wife's urine in the jar and then some of his daughter's urine and then
stirred it up with the dipstick from his Volvo. Finally, he jacked off in

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

it and took it to the doctor, convinced that it would show him to be a
fake.
The doctor put the specimen into his analyzer and then said that the
man was in very bad shape. "What's wrong with me, Doctor?", the man
asked, feeling sure that the doctor was about to trip up.
"Well," the doctor replied, "Your wife's got the clap. You're
daughter's pregnant. You're Volvo needs its engine rebuilt and if you
don't stop jacking off, your arm will never get better!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar, and he sees this surfer-type 'dude' with a
tiny head. He can't stop sneaking a glance at this guys' head, so the
surfer finally grabs him by the neck and asks if he wants to hear about
how his head got so small.
The first guy protests, but the surfer tells him anyway: "I was
walking along the beach when I saw this mermaid on the beach. She tells
me she'll do anything I want if I put her back in the water. So, I do,
and she asks me what I want. I say I want to fuck her, but she says she
has fins, so she can;t oblige. So then I ask for a little head..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is contemplating marriage and he wants to set it straight with
his bride to be.
He says, "I want you to know that I'm an avid Golfer, and that Golf
will always be my number one LOVE! For instance, if I should ever have to
choose between visiting you on your death bed and playing a round of golf,
I'll be found out on the golf course!"
She says, "Well, I want you to know that I've been a hooker all my
life!"
And he says, "Maybe your not holding the club right!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A old woman calls the Police department and says, "I have a Sex
Maniac in my apartment. Pick him up in the morning!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fine ladies were sitting at the bar when a guy walks in. Seeing
these lovely creatures, he makes his way to an open seat next to them at
the bar. While drinking his beer, he watches these beauties.
Soon, one of the women gets up to go to the bathroom. The guy turns
around to watch a fantastic pair of "walking away jeans." The girl that is
still at the bar moves over and sits next to the guy, and talks to him as
he watches her friend.
"You'd like to go out with her, wouldn't you?" she asked.
"You bet", answered the guy.
"You'd like to suck on her tits, too, huh?"
"You bet!", answered the guy, starting to get excited that he may be
getting fixed up with the girl.
"You'd like to smell her pussy too, right?", asked the girl.
"Well, yea", said the guy.
At this the girl leaned over to him and exhales in his face. "There
you go," she says.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is waiting at a street corner for a bus. She looks down the
street and sees two derelict faggots lying along the curb. The first
faggot pulls out a syringe, sticks the needle in his arm, and then hands
off the syringe to the other faggot. Before he can shoot up, the woman
hurries over to the faggots, obviously concerned.

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

"Aren't you aware that you can get AIDS when you share needles?" she
exclaims.
"Ah, we thought of that", said the first faggot. "We're wearing
condoms."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
These three guys are on a safari in the deepest, darkest part of the
jungle. Suddenly, they are surrounded by natives. The natives kidnap
them and take them to their village, where they tie them up. The leader
of the tribe, who just happens to speak english, tells them they have a
choice between death, and Unga Bunga.
The first guy says, "I don't want to die." So the chief yells "Unga
Bunga!" and 20 natives tie him face down between four stakes, rip his
clothes off, and butt-fuck him.
The second guy, after seeing this, decides it is better than death,
so he endures the same treatment.
The third guy feels Unga Bunga to be a fate worse than death, so he
takes death.
The chief turns to the tribe and yells "Death! By Unga Bunga!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was an old woman and an old man sitting in rocking chairs on
the front porch. All is quite for a few minutes, then out of the blue,
the old woman reaches over and smacks the old man.
Looking very confused, the old man asks, "What was that for?".
The old woman turns to him and says "For having a small penis."
The old man mumbles a grunt and turns away. A few minutes later, the
old man reaches over and smacks the old woman.
She looks at him and says "What was that for?"
Content with his actions, the old man responds "For knowing the
difference!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is out shopping for a mirror, she finds the one she wants and
asks the clerk "how much is it?"
"$100.00",relies the clerk.
"My god, why so much?" exclaims the woman.
"Because it's magic, anything you ask for in rhyme you will get."
"Great I'll take it!" She takes it home and tries it out.
"Mirror mirror on the door, make by bust a 44." Wiz bang she
instantly has the huge chest she asked for. Her husband comes home see's
her chest and asks how she did it.
After she tells him he runs upstairs, looks in the mirror and says,
"Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis hit the floor!" And his legs
fall off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends after the
first date, so she decided to go to a doctor to find out what the problem
was. The doctor asked her to take off her clothes and lie on the
examining table. He checked her pussy and, finding nothing wrong, asked
her to roll over and spread her ass. After checking her asshole and again
finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he could examine her
mouth.
Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, "You've got the worst case
of Zacklies I've ever seen!"
"Zacklies?" she said, puzzled. "What's that?"
"Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!"

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

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A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a cocktail
party, but she wasn't having any part of him, especially the part he had
in mind. After a while, to show his contempt for her, he inquired loudly,
"Tell me, dear, what happens when whores get pregnant?"
Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your mother
found you under a cabbage leaf!"
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One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with
some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing
performance by raping a German Sheppard.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his
discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could
explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the
blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you
about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
you!"
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Three women work for a reputable advertising agency on Madison
Avenue. All of them started on the exact same day in the mail room, and
they've all worked exactly the same amount of time, with the same amount
of work. After a few years they all get promoted to a position that is
quite high in the echelon of this particular agency. They all get their
own offices, and a substantial pay raise. What's more, they get their own
name plate on their door!
On the day of the move, one of the women is shocked to see that the
other womens' offices have nameplates on their doors', but on her office
there is no nameplate. Furiously, she goes to the company president and
asks him why she hasn't gotten a nameplate yet.
"Well, Audrie, this agency is run by myself, as you know." With this
he unzips his fly and pulls out his penis. He points at it and says, "And
this is Quality. And in this business, Quality goes in before the name
goes on."
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This couple went to the store and bought 2 boxes of rubbers, then
they rented a motel room for a week. After the 3rd day the manager knocks
on the door,
Manager: "Sorry to bother you folks but its been three days since you
checked in and you haven't been to breakfast, lunch, or dinner, how have
you been surviving?"
Man: "We eat from the Fruits of Love."
Manager: "Well would you please quit tossing your peelings out the
window they're choking my ducks!"
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Three nuns walked into the confessional. The first one says, "Bless
me, Father, for I have sinned. There was a naked man in the parking lot,
and I looked at him."
The priest said, "Say three Hail Marys and wash your face with holy
water."
The second nun said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. There was

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

a naked man in the parking lot, and I touched him."
The priest said, "Say three Hail Marys and wash your hands with holy
water."
As the two nuns were washing with the holy water, the third walks in
and says, "Take it easy with that stuff girls; I've got to gargle!"
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A kids goes to the doctor with a dripping cock, and the doctor tells
the kid that it's V.D.
The kid exclaims "What?!? That's impossible! It has to be...
uh... uh... a cold... uh... or something!"
"Well, " the doctor replies, "until it sneezes, we'll have to treat
it like V.D."
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An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit
with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
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There was a horny lady, who was desperate for a young man. She was
at the supermarket, checking out, when the young man bagging her groceries
offered to carry them out to her car for her.
When they get outside, she whispers in the boy's ear, "I have an
itchy pussy."
The boy says, "Huh? What'd you say?"
Again, she whispers to him, "I have an itchy pussy!"
The boy thinks for a few seconds, and finally says, "Well, you'll
have to point it out to me, all these foreign cars look alike."
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Two guys are sitting in a bar, when the one looks in his glass, and
notices the ice cube. He nudges the guy next to him and say, "Hey, look
at this! Have you ever seen anything like this? An ice cube, with a hole
in it!"
The other guy says, "Are you kidding? I've been married for years!"
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A guy goes into a whore-house, with only 5 dollars. He's really
horny, and he needs laid badly, but the madam won't let him have any of
the girls for only 5 bucks. He pleads with her, and finally she tells him
that he can go into room number 2, for the five-dollar special.
He goes in the room, and all that's there is a rabbit. Well, he's
horny enough, and he figures: what the hell? Who'll know. So he goes to
fucking the rabbit. As it turned out, he actually enjoyed it!
As he's leaving, another guy is leaving, also. With unbelievable
excitement, the guy can't wait to tell somebody else his experience with a
rabbit...
"Wow! I just had the most unbelievable experience, for only 5
bucks!"
The other guys cuts him off, and says, "That's nothing! I just had
the most incredible experience for 20 bucks: I was on the other side of a
one-way mirror, watching some guy try to fuck a rabbit!"
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I was riding on the bus last week and this lady comes up to me and
says: "I'll give you a good lay for only two dollars."
Hey, I'm no fool. I took her home and screwed her to death.

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

Anyway, a couple of days later my crotch was itching like the dickens. I
go to the doctor and he tells me I have the crabs.
Yesterday, I'm riding the bus and I see this cheap slut. "Yo, you
know you gave me the crabs?!"
The bitch looks at me and says "What'd expect for two bucks,
lobsters?"
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Two homos were sitting in a hot tub, pushing a floating turd back and
forth. A third homo walked by and asked what they were doing.
One of the homos says, "We're teaching the baby to swim."
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Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful
woman laying naked on the beach.
Well the first guy over to her and starts making love to her, when
she says "What will we name the child?" Well the guy freaks and runs
away.
So the second guy goes over to her and starts "doing his thing" when
she says "What will we name the child?" He freaks out also and runs away.
The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a rubber and
goes to do his thing. When she says what will we name the child? he
ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going.
Finally he finishes and pulls off the rubber ties a knot in the end of the
rubber and throws in the ocean.
He turns to the girl and says "If he gets out of that, we'll call him
Houdini."
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There's the Prostitute in a bar, and she's sitting on a stool and
this Koala bear walks in and asks her if she'll go back with him to this
hotel to have a good time.
She agrees, and they go find this sleazy hotel and end up in bed (and
on the floor and in the closet, etc.). Anyway, the next morning the Koala
gets up grabs his clothes and goes to head out the door.
The prostitute stops him and says,"Hey wait, where's my money? You
pay ME to have sex with YOU! Don't you know what a prostitute is?"
The bear answers no, and she proceeds to tell him to look it up in a
dictionary. Well, there just happens to be this dictionary there, and he
looks it up and it says: "A person who exchanges sexual favors for money."
The bear says, "So what? Don't you know what a koala is? Look it up
if you don't" And the bear walks out. The prostitute picks up the
dictionary and reads the definition for koala--"Eats bush and leaves."
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A very drunk guy looked around the bar and spying the white keys on
the piano said," From the grin on that fat broad's face, I'd say someone
spiked her douche."
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Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine
Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I
would like to have a license for Sex.
He said "I would like to have one too"
I said "but this is a dog"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9
years old."

Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual Jokes

He replied "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a
separate room for Sex.
He said "Every room in this place is for sex."
I said "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake all night."
The clerk replied "Me too."
I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog
ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around.
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
He told me that I could have sold tickets for that
"But you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V.
He called me a Show off.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog.
I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married"
The judge said "Me too".
Then I told him that after we were married Sex left me."
He replied "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again and I spent hours looking around for
him.
A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the
alley's at 4 am for."
I replied "I am looking for Sex"
My case comes up in court on Friday.
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Two guys were talking and one said "Hey, Frank, how's pilot school
coming?"

Frank: "Terrible...I had to quit when I found out the instructor was gay"
Joe: "What difference does that make? Live and let live, I always say"
Frank: "You don't understand...he took me up to 5000 feet and said "It's
your buns or jump""
Joe: "Holy Cow! Did you jump?" Frank: "A little... at first"
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Humor Digest - June 90

Clean One-Liners

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Q: A bum, the tooth fairy, and an honest lawyer were walking down the
street together when they simultaneously spotted a $1000 bill. Who
gets it?

A: Well, the bum, of course! The other two don't exist!
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Q: What's 6 inches long that every woman loves?

A: Paper money!
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Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

A: Lean beef.
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Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Six. Two to start screwing and four to mill around chanting that it
was lit the moment they started screwing.
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Q: Who's the patron saint of Ethiopia?

A: Karen Carpenter.

Q: What were Karen Carpenter's last words?

A: "Gag me with a spoon."

Q: Why did Karen Carpenter's family have trouble selling her house?

A: It didn't have a kitchen.
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Q: Where can a midget spend the night without paying?

A: A Stayfree Minipad.
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Q: Why does the U of O use artificial turf in Autzen stadium?

A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing!
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Q: Why do firemen have bigger balls than policemen?

A: They sell more tickets.
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Humor Digest - June 90

Ethnic One-Liners

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Q: Why did god make women so pretty?

A: So men would like them.

Q: Why did he make them so stupid?

A: So they would like men.
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Q: What is long and hard on a black man?

A: Third Grade!
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Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy!
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Q: Why do pro ball players always wear hats?

A: So they know which end to wipe!
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Q: What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother?

A: A black dress!
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Q: Why is the Catholic Church hiring hundreds of blacks?

A: To teach the congregation the rhythm method!
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Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

A: Because you can't fit all that shit into a tennis shoe.
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Q: What are the two most common lies in Poland?

A1: The check's in your mouth.
A2: I promise I won't come in the mail.
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Q: Why don't women have brains?

A: Because they don't have a dick to keep one in!
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Q: What do you call a quadriplegic waterskiing?

A: Skip!

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on your doorstep?

A: Matt!

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic hanging on your wall?

A: Art!

Humor Digest - June 90

Ethnic One-Liners

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a mail?

A: Bill!

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic swimming in a lake?

A: Bob!

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a pile of leaves?

A: Russell!

Q: What do you call two quadriplegics hanging on your wall?

A: Curt -n- Rod

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in bed?

A: Dick

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in the mailbox?

A: Bill.

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic who gets caught in a
meat grinder?

A: Chuck.

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a hole in the
road?

A: Phil

Q: And what do you call the guy who put him there?

A: Doug

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying on a barbers floor?

A: Harry

Q: What do you call the same guy doing pushups?

A: LUCKY!

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a hot-tub?

A: Stu

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a meat counter?

A: Buck

Humor Digest - June 90

Ethnic One-Liners

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a mailbox?

A: Mel

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a box with his arms and legs?

A: Kit

Q: What do you call a woman quadriplegic on the bottom of the
ocean?

A: Sandy.

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic being run through a sawmill?

A: Chip

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on a stage?

A: Mike!

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on your bar-b-que?

A: Frank.

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic on your bar-b-que?

A: Patty.

Q: What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker?

A: Hop in.

Q: What do you say to a hitch-hiker with no legs?

A: Can I give you a lift?

Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs up against a barn?

A: Lean Beef

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground beef

Q: What do you call a prostitute with no legs?

A: A nightcrawler

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in Alcatraz?

A: Rocky

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic under a car?

Humor Digest - June 90

Ethnic One-Liners

A: Jack

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in the Christmas choir?

A: Carol

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in the flowerbed?

A: Rose, Iris, Lily, Daisy, Petunia, or Violet

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic playing Volleyball?

A: Spike

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in the bathroom?

A: John

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on the edge of a mountain?

A: Cliff

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic at 12am on Jan. 1st?

A: Eve

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in the summer?

A: June

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic at sunrise?

A: Dawn

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic at sunrise?

A: Don

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic who likes yellowish
semi-precious stones?

A: Amber

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic with really big ears?

A: Bunny

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic with lots of freckles?

A: Dotty

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in a pan of boiling water?

Humor Digest - June 90

Ethnic One-Liners

A: Blanche

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a pasture?

A: Horace

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in the river near the bank?

A: Doc

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic up a chimney?

A: Smokey

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in Harlem?

A: Blacky

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic with lots of money?

A: Rich

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic who is just average?

A: Norm

Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in a truck?

A: Lori

Q: What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs who's trying to stand up?

A: Consuelo

Q: What do you call a quadriplegic and no ears?

A: You don't...with no ears, how could he hear you?

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It doesn't matter since he can't come anyway!

Q: How is a dog with no legs like a cigarette?

A: You take him for a drag!
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Q: What is the solution to the extermination of wetbacks?

A: Tell the blacks they taste like chicken.
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Q: Did you know that ALL children are born with Penises?

A: Yeah.....But it falls off the stupid ones!
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Humor Digest - June 90

Gross One-Liners

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Q: What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?

A: Getting them out of the wheelchair.
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Q: What is the worst part about fucking a cow?

A: You have to climb off to kiss it!
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Q: What is grosser than gross?

A: When you sit on your Grandfathers lap and he pops a boner.
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Q: Why are a woman's and so close
together?

A: In case your aim is off...
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Humor Digest - June 90

Other One-Liners

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Q: Why aren't bird dogs allowed in the White House?

A: Because they keep chasing the Quayle and pissing on the Bushes!
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Q: Why has Tammy Fae stopped shaving her legs?

A: Because she figures that's the way Jim will like them when he gets
out.
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Q: What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's disease?

A1: You can hide your own easter eggs!
A2: You're always meeting new people!
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Q: What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's
Witness?

A: A Guy that knocks on your door Saturday morning and tells you to Fuck
Off!
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Q: Did you know that Hitler commit suicide?

A: He got the gas bill!
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Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual One-Liners

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Q: What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bubble
bath?

A: The woman in church has a soul full of hope and the woman in the bubble
bath has a hole full of soap.
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Q: Did you hear about the fag who joined the NFL?

A: Started off a tight end, but ended up a wide receiver!
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Q: Why do men buy women nighties with fur around the bottom?

A: To keep their neck warm.
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Q: What is the definition of a Macho Man?

A: A man who shaves his balls with a weedeater.
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Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?

A1: A prostitute says, "Are you done, yet?"
A2: A mistress says, "Are you done, already?"
A3: A wife says, "I think the ceiling needs to be painted."
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Q: What's the difference between your sister and a Cadillac?

A: Not everyone has been in a Cadillac.
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Q: What is the first warning sign of AIDS?

A: A pounding sensation in your ass.
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Q: What is the height of frustration for a man?

A: To walk into a brick wall with a hardon... and bruise his nose.
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Q: What do you have when you have two fuzzy green balls in your hand?

A: Kermit The Frog's Undivided Attention.
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Q: What's in Miss Piggy's douche?

A: Hogwash!
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Q: What did the 7 dwarfs say when the prince awoke Snow White from her
deep sleep?

A: "Guess its back to jerking off..."
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Q: Why does pussy smell like fish?

A: The same reason that cum looks like tartar sauce.
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Humor Digest - June 90

Sexual One-Liners

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?

A: Because they can.
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Q: What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator?

A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
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Q: What is a 6.9?

A: A 69er interrupted by a period!
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Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ?

A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.
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Q: What is the real definition of Miracle Whip?

A: Successful masturbation by a 90-year-old man.
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Q: What do Marion Barry and Mrs. Dan Quayle have in common?

A: They both blow a little dope!
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Q: Why is sex like oxygen?

A: Because you don't care about either of them until you don't get any!
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Q: What do you call oral sex between two yuppies?

A: SixtySomething
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Q: How do you tell when a woman is horny?

A: When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like a horse eating
oats.
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Q: Why do women like whales?

A: They have an 8 foot tongue and can breathe through the top of their
heads!
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Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?

A: To keep the foreskin from coming up over their heads.
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Humor Digest - June 90

Poems

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Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With tinkerbells and cockleshells
And a lot of horse manure.
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"It Hurts"

You probably can't imagine
It's as simple as can be
This place is rather private
The players he and she.

She whispered "will it hurt?"
"Of course not", he replied
"It's a simple project,
lay back and close your eyes."

She said "I'm rather frightened,
I've never done this before."
He wanted to continue
It wouldn't hurt much more

"It's becoming rather painful,
As tears rolled down her eyes,
"It's hurting something awful,
It must be quite a size!"

"Calm yourself, my darling,
As the feeling holds in your spine,
Open up more slightly,
So I can get more inside."

Suddenly with a jump
She gave a little shout
Now that it was over
He slowly pulled it out.

If you read this carefully
A dentist chair you'll find
It's not what you were thinking
it's just your dirty mind!
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Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

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SOCIALISM: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and gives
you the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and sells
you the milk.

NAZISM: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and shoots
you.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows, the government takes both of them, shoots
one of them, milks the other and pours the milk down the
drain.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows, you sell one of them and buy a bull.
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Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Ethinc Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Laboratory Analysis Report
Homo Sapiens Species
Female Specimen

Element: Woman

Symbol: WO

Discovered by: Adam

Atomic Weight:
Average specimen is 118, but there are known isotopes ranging from
92 to 160, with highly radioactive specimens of 250 and above (avoid
at all costs).

Occurrence:
Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Chemical Properties:
1. Possesses great affinity for gold (Qu), Silver (Ag), Platinum
(Pt), and several precious and semi-precious stones and
minerals.
2. Capable of consuming huge quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if not handled with great care.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but behavior characteristics are
noticeably altered by saturation in ethyl alcohol.
5. Yields to pressure if properly applied.

Mental Properties:
1. Difficult to ascertain due to the complex nature of the
thought processes followed by examined specimens.
a) Revised testing protocols are under study but
researchers report that the unique "logic" of these
specimens make accurate appraisal unlikely.

Physical Properties:
1. Surface generally very smooth, with many interesting
irregularities, many of which are selectively covered
with paints, powders, oils and colored films.
a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each
fingernail.
b) Some specimens exhibit a tendency to spread thick
applications of paint, powders and oils around
the eyes, resulting in a somewhat frightening appearance.
NOTE! Beware of this variety as they are prone to
cracking and peeling. The dispersal of flying
debris and the consequent realization that what you
see ain't what you get will result.
2. Boils at nothing and freezes for no apparent reason.
3. Melts if given proper treatment.
4. Bitter and dangerous if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states in nature from virgin mettle to common
ore.

Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Ethinc Stuff

6. Selected specimens have a pleasant aroma.
7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held
close to (at times causing over heating).

Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known to man.
3. Can aid in relaxation.
4. Some varieties capable of brightening the day.
5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscles of males.
a) USE WITH CAUTION! Positive and negative results
have been obtained for a given stimuli, depending on
variety of specimen.
6. Some specimens have been reported to be instrumental
in the initiating GLOBAL WARFARE.
7. Generally adept at social graces.
8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget.
9. With minimum flattery, it is possible to get varieties
to perform trivial tasks.

Tests:
1. Pure specimens turn a distinctive rosey color if discovered
in their natural state.
2. Specimens turn bright green if placed beside a better
specimen.
3. Becomes coy and elusive when confronted with the truth.

Cautions:
1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen,
in spite of the fact that some specimens can and do
obtain more than one of the male gender, and then lie about it.
3. Terrible drivers.
4. Known to render telephones into melted slag.
5. Ineffective communicators. Generally known to give subtle
"hints" and expect others to guess at their intended meanings.
Rarely attempt honest, straight foreword discussions.
6. Affinity for rolling pins.
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Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Gross Stuff

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APPLICATION FOR A PIECE OF ASS

Name:________________________________________________________
Address:_____________________________________________________
Phone Number:________________________________________________
Color of hair:___________________ Social Security Number:________________
Do you wear a wig?:______________ Is it real?:______________
Color of eyes:___________________ Do you wear dentures?:_________________
Marital Status: Married:_________ Single:__________ Divorced:___________
Other:________ If other, please explain:_________________________________
Height:__________ Weight:__________ Waist size:_____________
Bra size:__________ Hip size:___________ Are breasts real?:_____________
Do you like them sucked:________ Chewed:________ Kissed:__________
Squeezed:_________
Can you stay out late?:________ How late?:________ All night?:__________
If married, can you get out during the day?:__________
Breakfast?:__________ Noon?:_____________ Afternoon?:_____________
Several days?:______________
Do you like to be screwed?:__________ How often?:____________
Do you like oral sex?:___________ Do you give head?:__________
Do you like anal sex?:___________
Pussy/Prick size: Small:______ Medium:_______ Large:________
Extra large:_____________
When screwing do you: Faint?:______ Fart?:_____ Cry?:_____
Scream?:_____ Yodel?:_______ Whistle?:________ Scratch?:_____
say "Oh God!"?:________ all of the above?:________
When cumming, do you: Wiggle?:_____ Wobble?:_____ Twist?:________
Jerk?:_______ Scream?:________ Yell?:_______
or do you just start humping like hell?:________
Do you screw: Fast?:_______ Superfast?:_________ Slow?:________
or just lay there?:________
How many times a night do you like it?:_______
Comments:___________________________________________
How long do you like to screw?:_____________________
Do you want to screw now?:___________

If you have been screwed before, please give references (no immediate
family)
Name Address Phone numbers
1._____________________________________________________________________

2._____________________________________________________________________

3._____________________________________________________________________

4._____________________________________________________________________

5._____________________________________________________________________

6._____________________________________________________________________

If application is favorable, what are your charges (if any) for:
An hour?:_____________ For two hours?:____________

Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Gross Stuff

All night?:_____________ For a quickie?:_____________
What credit cards do you accept?
Mastercard:__________ Visa:_________ American Express:________
Sears:__________ Montgomery Wards:____________

Do you like to do it:
In a bed?:_______ In a water bed?:_________ On the floor?:________
In a car?:_______ In a movie?:_________ Standing up?:_________
Anywhere?:_______

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mommy, Mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma again!"

"Shut up and dig."

"Mommy, Mommy, I hate my sisters guts!"

"Shut up and eat finish your dinner."

"Mommy, Mommy I don't like this tomato soup!"

"Shut up and eat before it clots."

"Mommy, Mommy, sister has a wart!"

"Shut up and eat around it."

"Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to go to England!"

"Shut up and keep swimming."

"Mommy, Mommy, why are you moaning?"

"Shut up and keep licking!"

"Mommy, mommy! I'm tired of walking in circles!"

"Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to see
if he could fine a cute little coil to let him discharge.
He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.
They rode over the Wheatstone Bridge down around by the Sine Wave and
stopped in a Magnetic Field next to a Flowing Current.
Micro Farad placed Millie Amp on the Ground Potential, raised her
Frequency, lowered her Capacitance, and pulled out his High Voltage
Probe.
Fully excited, Millie Amp cried "Moh Moh Moh!".
The Fluxed all afternoon, trying various Sockets and Connectors until
Micro Farad's Bar Magnet had lost all of it's Field Strength.
Then Millie Amp tried Self Induction and damaged her Solenoid.
They finished by Reversing Polarity and blowing each other's
fuses...
Eddie Current
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, didya ever notice?
You can win a million $'s with no purchase necessary but the details
are inside the package?
You can lead a woman to knowledge but you can't make her think.
We park in driveways and drive on parkways.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hole in the Kimono", by Seymour Hair

"Spots on the Wall", by Hu Flung Doo

"My Life as a College Student", by I. R. Smart

"The Joy of Sex" by Phillip McCrevice

"Russian Catastrophe" by Pulya Pudoff

"The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls

"The Tight Rubber" By Dick Smothers

"Tracks in the Sand" by Peters Dragon

"Blood, Sweat and Tears" by the Labor Movement

"Hole in the Mattress" by Mr. Completely

"The Overpopulation of China" by Wee Fuhkum Yang.

"50 Yards to the Out House" Written by Willie Makit
Illustrated by Betty Wont
Edited by Justin Tyme
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sign on darkroom door:

DARKROOM - Keep Door Closed!
(if door is left open, all the dark leaks out!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Stuff

This article is being presented through the *StarBoard* Journal of
the FlagShip/StarShip, SIGS (Special Interest Groups) on the Delphi and
GEnie telecommunications networks. Permission is hereby granted to
non-profit organizations only to reprint this article or pass it along
electronically as long as proper credit is given to both the author and
the *StarBoard* Journal.

Computaholics Exam
by MATRAT, CFJ, and RABBIT

Are you a Compute-a-holic? Many of us are without even realizing
it. Below are a *few* questions to help you take a somewhat humorous look
at your computing habits, and decide if you need help. A new chapter of
Computaholics anonymous may be forming near you.

Do you use disk labels for tape?

Do you buy disks in lots of 100?

Has this ever happened to you: Your spouse gets *frisky* and you say, "Not
tonight honey, I've got a bug." And then you have to explain that you
meant *in your program*, when your better half breaks out the
Pepto-Bismol?

Do you use more than a CASE of paper per year? Do you own and frequently
use a calculator capable of Hexadecimal and binary arithmetic?

Do you have computer style personalized license plates such as:
CPU-HED ? PLA-PHA ? PAG-ZRO ? MEG-4ME ? GIG-BYT ? 4160ST ?
BLITER ? I1T-RAM ?

Can you look at memory hex dumps and disassemble them in your head?

Have you ever written an assembly language program that is more than 10K
of pure object code?

Every time you pass a computer, typewriter, or anything with keys, do you
get this irresistible urge to type something?

Is your profession non-clerical in nature, yet you can type 70 words per
minute or more?

Would you RATHER write a video game than play one?

When a friend calls you to ask you about a problem with his monitor, do
you immediately start thinking in assembly code, when he meant his
Monochrome display?

Do you HOPE the teacher assigns a term paper instead of a mid term exam,
so you can do it on your computer?
Have you ever waked up at 3AM face down on your computer's keyboard?

Do you take computer magazines to the toilet with you?

Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Stuff

Do you have a bumper sticker which reads:
"I'd rater be COMPUTING than COMMUTING"?

If you are a professional programmer do you ever wonder, "Why do they PAY
me to have this much fun?"

When lunch or break time rolls around, do you start working on a computer
program for home?

Do you have a "computer ROOM" in your house?

Do you take computer books to the doctor's office, dentist, or barber with
you?

Do your kids teethe on game cartridges and disk cases?

Do you save Velveeta Cheese boxes to use as 3 1/2" disk tubs?

Do your kids use your bad disks for frisbees?

Do you subscribe to more than one COMPUTER MAGAZINE?

Do you ever take a VACATION DAY so you can spend 16 hours in front of your
computer at home?

Do you own more than $3000 worth of "home computer" equipment?

Do you write a "quick and dirty" checkbook balancing program when you pay
the monthly bills, because it's too much trouble to find a calculator?

Do your kids say things like, "Compile error Dad, can't mow the lawn
today. I got a priority interrupt and have to go to the library and
process some homework!"?

Do you ever confuse computer terms with cliches like: "Man, he did he ever
blow his stack pointer!"

Do you print the kids' school valentines, Christmas, or birthday cards
with the computer?

Do you constantly lose important phone numbers and info under piles of
computer manuals and printer paper?

Do you have a neurotic fear of throwing away any box that once contained
computer equipment, in case you might have to "send it back to the
factory"?

Do you have piles and piles of such boxes, filling every closet
and every inch of garage space in your living area?

Do you have to take out several trash bags full of obsolete program
listings every week?

Does your spouse often threaten your computer with violence...in a

Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Stuff

"joking" way, of course? (Examples: "I'll take an axe to that thing!",
"throw it in the pool", etc.)

Have YOU ever threatened a guest with violence if he set a glass of water
down next to the computer?

Do you talk to the computer as if it could hear you?

Do you own more than two computer languages that you never use? And
never even learned?

Do you own a shirt-pocket pencil holder?

When your girlfriend (wife, etc.) says "it's too hot, I think I'll slip
into something more comfortable", do you run to turn up the air
conditioner to protect your computer from overheating?

Do your family and friends write you letters instead of calling since they
can never get through to you on the phone, while you play on Delphi,
BBSs and the like?

Are all the clocks in your house 24 hour format?

When you read about Americans and Russians negotiating ICBM reduction, do
you wonder how many Commodore computers they could destroy?

Do you put Audio CDs in your computer's CD-ROM player to analyze them?

Do you take your family on a "get away" vacation to Silicon Valley?

Have you worn the letters off your computer's keyboard?

Can you recite the alphabet in ASCII codes?

Has your dog ever attacked, or raised its leg upon, your computer system
out of jealousy?

Do you read license plates to look for letter combinations that look like
assembly opcodes?

When your wife says she is going to take a "drive to the store" do you get
a sudden urge to go check on your disk drives?

Is your idea of a BIG ADVENTURE playing one?

Can your children do binary arithmetic?

Have burglars ever hit the entire neighborhood except your house, because
you are always UP CODING?

Is the biggest tragedy in your life a power outage?

Do you use computer chips instead of thumb tacks?

Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Stuff

Have you actually ever managed to finish a programming project on time?
(If so, you are definitely a computaholic.)

Have you ever realized that you "forgot to go to bed" when the alarm goes
off, while you're sitting in front of the keyboard?

Have you ever gotten a new toy for your child that requires "parental
assembly" and gone to fire up your Macro Assembler?

Do you program in ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE rather than C, Pascal, or Action, just
for the FUN OF IT?

Do your neighbors call the air force because of a strange glow emanating
from one room in your house all night long?

Do strange noises, frequent orders for chinese food and many packages
from UPS (which you elatedly wait for) catch their attention?

Do you celebrate COMDEX as a national holiday?

Can you hotwire a phone into your direct connect modem from any motel or
relatives house?

Do you travel with a computer?

Have you forgotten how to talk to other parents at the PTA meeting?

Do you burst out laughing when your spouse is talking and manages to make
a completely hidden reference outside of the context of the subject
which is hilarious when applied as a computer joke?

Does a newly discovered BBS become a highlight of your day?

Do you string your own telephone wires and electrical extensions?

Have you ever had to explain to the phone company why you *need* 4
phones?

Are you constantly trying to find a 'better disk editor' or a 'better
input routine' or a 'better word processor' ?

Have you ever finished a program and delivered it, then never modified it
again? <>

Do your kids know how to spell RUN before they knew how to spell their
names?

Have you noticed how old friends just cannot carry on interesting
conversations any more?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are
inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you
are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.

Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Stuff

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often
think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence
over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You
lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible
things to small animals.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people
in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.
You are not very nice.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have
a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker.
People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to
expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are
known for committing incest.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to
other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always
putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.
Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others
think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and
dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are
thieves.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder.
This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and
unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good
bus drivers.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a
difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely
gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra
women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total
lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic.
You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The
majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh
at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking
risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been
a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
too long as they take root and become trees.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
CAJUN BANANA BREAD
A SOUTH LOUISIANA DELICACY

Ingredients
___________

2 laughing eyes 2 loving arms
2 well shaped legs 2 firm milk containers
1 fur lined mixing bowl 1 Large banana

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Look into the laughing eyes
2. Spread well shaped legs apart
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined
mixing bowl is well greased.
4. Add banana and work in and out until well creamed
5. Cover with nuts and sigh with relief

NOTE: Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing
utensils and don't lick the bowl.
ATTENTION: If bread starts to rise; LEAVE TOWN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sound: rubber rubbing against rubber. Is it...
A cork being removed from a bottle of wine.
A clown making balloon animals.
Cher putting on her outfit for the academy awards.

Sound: Pop Is it...
A plumber unclogging a drain.
A suction dart being removed from a pane of glass.
A lousy method of birth control.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three most horrifying words to hear when you are making love are:

"That's my daughter!" or "Daddy! Don't shoot!" or "Honey! I'm home!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHE HAD PLENTY OF INSURANCE,
UNFORTUNATELY, HER PIMP DIED.

Today almost every hooker understands how important it is to have
life insurance. The streets can get pretty rough. But, what if her pimp
is offed? Who's going to find new Johns? Who's going to supply the
crack? Clearly his loss would create financial hardships for her and the
two mulatto kids he left behind.
With Metropolitan Street Life's new Whore plus plan, a prostitute can
get permanent insurance protection that provides door-to-door limo
service, up to three fixes daily, and a big ugly motherfucker with a
gun-just as if your main man was still around.
All we ask in return for a safe future is 50% of the action. That's
probably a better deal than HE gave you, and WE won't beat you upside the
head!
METROPOLITAN STREET LIFE......Professionals Helping Professionals.

Humor Digest - June 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dateline Cape Canaveral:

The USA has sent a satellite to Mercury.
The USSR has a space station orbiting Mars.
The French intend to send a mission to the moon,
and the Greeks are planning to send a probe up to Uranus.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the man with five pricks? His pants fit like a glove.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition of PMS.... Punish My Spouse!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE
------------------------------------

Doctor - "Take your clothes off"

Dentist - "Open wide"

Milkman - "Would you like it in the front or the back?"

Interior Decorator - "Once it's in you'll love it!"

Banker - "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

Hunter - He goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, and always eats
what he shoots.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - June 90

Clean Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sociologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were discussing
the ethical, moral, sociological you name it consequences of a married
man's having a mistress.
The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically
unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and
engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
if a man must have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human
being, then he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife, and spare her
from undue grief.
The mathematician then interjects: "I also believe that if necessary,
a married man is entitled to a mistress. However I do not see why the
affair should be kept secret from the wife. On the contrary, if the
affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife
that he is going to see his mistress, tell the mistress that he is going
to be with his wife, then go to his office and do some work!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy travels to Africa and stays in the bush observing a pygmy
tribe. He sort of hangs out with the witch doctor as that guy seems to be
most knowledgeable. One day he sees there is a new chief and asks the
witch doctor what happened.
"Oh he died a horrible death", was his reply.
A little later a large bird flew overhead shouting "foo foo" and shit
on the guys head!
He told the witch doctor he was going to wash it off, but the doc
says "No, no wash that off, or you die a horrible death, that the shit of
foo bird".
Trying to comply with tribal customs the man agreed and left the shit
on his head.
Days passed, it was starting to smell bad. Custom be damned, the man
decided to wash his head. So he went down to the river and washed the
shit off.
Then suddenly, he died a horrible death. No warning, he just died.
The witch doctor walked up and shook his head in disappointment.
So what's the moral of this story?
"If the Foo Shits, Wear It!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a priest who loved to golf. Every chance he had, he would
go out golfing. One Sunday, after giving mass, he was tempted to go out
golfing, the weather was perfect, but it was the Sabbath. But he went
anyway. St. Peter saw him from Heaven, and started shouting,"God, God,
there's a priest playing golf on the Sabbath. He should be punished!"
God agreed. So when the priest tee'd off, he got a hole in one! On
the second tee, he also got a hole in one. This went through the entire
game. 18 holes in one. Amazing.
St. Peter look at God, and said, "God, I thought You were going to
punish him, he got 18 holes in one."

Humor Digest - July 90

Clean Jokes

God replied, "Right. Who's he going to tell?!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little Jewish boy was a really terrible student. Very disruptive
in class and a real discipline case. His loving parents took him out of
the public school and he lasted two days there before he was expelled.
They put him in a Jewish day school and he lasted three days.
They put him in a military boarding school, and he was the first
pupil ever expelled from it.
Finally, out of desperation, his parents put him in a Catholic
school. A week passed. Two weeks passed. A semester passed. All was
well.
His mother had a meeting with her son's teacher. "Mrs. Levy, Abie
is a wonderful boy," Sister Mary said.
Mrs. Levy went home and spoke to Abie. "Son, how come you get
expelled from all those other schools, but in the Catholic school you are
a little angel?"
"Well, mom, I walked into the school, saw a picture of some guy
nailed up on a cross, and figured here they mean business!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The girl gets very drunk at the party, and asks Herb to drive her
home. Thinking this might be his big chance, he puts his hand on her
knee. She takes it off. Soon, she says, "Herb, you're passionate."
"Great!" he thinks, and puts his hand on her knee again. She again
takes it off. However, she again says, "Herb, you're passionate."
After this happens three or four times, he finally asks her what's
up.
"Well," she says, "We've been going around thish block and around
thish block, and there'sh my house, and I just wanted you to know you're
passhin' it!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a hot summer day. They
ride up to a bar and tie up the horses.
The Lone Ranger says, "Tonto, I want you to stay out here and run
around the horses to cool them off."
"No problem Keemosabi."
The Lone Ranger goes into the bar and starts drinking. He looses
track of time and it's hours later when someone walks into the bar and
says, "Anybody in here own a white stallion?"
"That's mine." says the Lone Ranger "Why?"
"Well I just wanted to let you know you left your horse out here with
the injun running."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that President Bush talked to Gorbechev the other day on
the red phone. It appears that the Russians want to be protected from the
Aids Virus, and all other sexually transmitted diseases.
He asked Pres. Bush if he could purchase 1,000,000 condoms. Pres.
Bush told him sure that he'd get them shipped as soon as possible.
So after they hung up Pres. Bush called the condom manufactures and
talk to head of production. He told him of the deal he made with the
Russians and he had an idea.
Then he told them to take 1,000,000 XXL condoms and stamp small on
them then send them out.
Then he said to his wife, I'd like to see the their faces when they
see the size of those condoms!

Humor Digest - July 90

Clean Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady is holding her grandson, telling him that he was the sweetest,
most adorable, precious lamb in the world. Glancing up, she saw a big,
rough-looking neighbor leaning against his Harley, looking amused.
Embarrassed, she remarked, "You probably never heard such carrying on
in your life."
"Sure have," he said, grinning, "Every time I visit MY mom."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A company president was writing a speech and he used the expression
that "1 + 1 = 2" and he asked a company scientist if he could test the
formula by laboratory methods as a humorous point maker for his speech.
In a week the scientist placed a foot tall stack of printouts on the
presidents desk and declared "there is proof."
One of the presidents' staff advisors was in the room and he asked if
he could further illustrate the point by applying his statistical methods
to the formula. The staff advisor said he would further prove that it is
ALWAYS true.
In a week he placed a stack of printouts two feet high on the
president's desk.
The accountant had been following the development of this discussion
and asked if he could apply the methods of his profession to the formula.
The president asked the accountant to explain what analysis he could
perform that might alter the current documentation.
The accountant thought for a moment..."What do you want 1 + 1 to
equal?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the
barkeeper, "Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here."
Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a
great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And
the pinball machines in the back are free!"
"That's not so great,"responded the friend. "There's a bar across
town that'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back
for free."
"Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed.
"Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there
all the time."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 nuns were killed in an automobile accident. Their souls were
transported to heaven.
Upon reaching the Pearly Gates, they demanded entrance to which St.
Peter replied, "I don't care if you are nuns, you must display your
biblical knowledge before entrance can be granted."
So, St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the 1st man?"
The nun replies, "Adam!". Well, the hallelujah chorus starts singing
and the Pearly Gate opens to allow her entrance.
St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the 1st woman?"
The nun replies, "Oooh, that's easy...it was Eve!" Again, the
hallelujah chorus starts singing and the Pearly Gate opens to allow her
entrance.
St. Peter then addresses the third nun, "Okay...we know Adam was the
first man and Eve was the first woman, but can you tell me what the first
words Eve said to Adam were?"
The nun, thinking aloud, said, "Oooh, that's a hard one." The

Humor Digest - July 90

Clean Jokes

hallelujah chorus started singing and the Pearly Gates opened.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Air Force General, an Army General, and a Navy Admiral were
bragging about which of the services was the toughest, and had the most
balls.
The Admiral, pointing to a ship pulling in to port, shouted to a
sailor, "Sailor. Jump in and stop that ship." - The sailor jumped into
the water in front of the ship, got plowed under, and chopped to bits by
the props. The admiral turned to the other two and stated, "That took
some balls; I think that shows that the Navy is the toughest of the armed
forces."
The Army General, pointing to a tank rolling across the fields,
shouted to a soldier, "Soldier. Run over there and stop that tank." The
soldier jumped in front of the tank, and became part of the ground under
the tanks treads. The General turned to the other two and stated, "That
took more balls and proves that the Army is the toughest of the armed
forces."
The Army General and the Admiral turned to the Air Force General and
claimed that nothing he could do would convince them that the Air Force
was tougher than the Army or Navy...
The Air Force General pointed to a F-16 rolling down a runway, "You
see that F-16 over there?" He then called to an Airman, "Airman. Get out
there on that runway and stop that F-16."
The Airman turned to the General and said, "Fuck you, you crazy
bastard. You stop the damned plane yourself!"
The Air Force General turned to the other two, and with a look of
satisfaction said, "Now that took REAL BALLS!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer decides to get a new rooster seeing how his old one has
become rather haggard and unproductive in his old age. The new young cock
paraded around the henhouse with hot-blooded virility, snubbing his nose
at the old rooster.
The old rooster approaches him and says, "I'll admit you're a real
bronco, son, but I still got a few years in me, you young whippersnapper!
How about you give an old man one more chance to prove himself?"
Still strutting a confident swagger, the young rooster asks, "All
right, old man. What you got in mind?"
"How about a race around the farmer's house?"
"Sure, old man. I'll even give you a headstart!"
So, the two roosters take their starting positions: the young rooster
at the henhouse and the old rooster by the corner fencepost. The race
starts, and the old rooster runs his fastest bolt from the fence post.
THe young rooster jogs with little concern. As the old rooster makes his
way across the front lawn, the young rooster beelines past the fencepost.
The old rooster is by now rounding the back porch when the young rooster
speedily catches up with him, and then, suddenly, BANG! The young rooster
drops dead.
"Damn", says the farmer putting away his rifle. "That's the third
gay rooster I bought this month!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young couple, on their way to get married, get into a car accident
and are killed. Upon arriving at the pearly gates of Heaven, they meet
St. Peter. The young man explains that he and his fiance would still
like to get married.

Humor Digest - July 90

Clean Jokes

St. Peter says, "Son, you're in Heaven now. This is eternity.
Don't rush in to things - wait 50 years and see if you two still want to
get married." The young couple agrees.
They return to St. Peter after 50 years. Again St. Peter says,
"You're rushing in to this. Wait another 50 years." Again the young
couple waits, and returns.
"St. Peter - we've waited 100 years and we still want to get
married. Please don't put us off any longer. We really want to get
married now."
St. Peter replies: "OK, OK, just wait another 50 years. I promise,
if we don't have a clergyman up here by then, I'll do it myself!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sweet young thing marries an old man for his money. On their
wedding night she jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers.
"Oh, honey," she said with delight, "does that mean five times?"
"No", he replies, "You can pick one out."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a lion in the jungle who hadn't come upon
any good-sized animals lately, and so, was very hungry. He came upon a
clearing, and lo and behold there, in the center, was a bull grazing! He
pounced on it, quickly killed, and ate it.
He felt so good, having a full stomach after having been hungry so
long, he started to roar with pleasure. Hearing this, a hunter sprang
from the edge of the clearing and shot him dead.
Moral of the story: If you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this very professional salesman on his way to work one
morning and as he walked up the street to catch the bus he noticed this
young boy setting up what looked to be a Lemonade stand. Thinking back to
his struggling days as a new salesman he thought "You have to start
somewhere I guess." Just then his bus arrived and got on the bus to go to
work.
The next morning again walking to the bus stop he saw the same little
boy finishing construction on his little stand. While waiting he watched
the boy painting his Logo Sign on the header board above the stand. It
Read "DOG FOR SALE $10.00!" The bus again came and he got on and left.
Well Every morning for the next week, just as the salesman would
arrive at the bus stop, there across the street was the little boy
standing faithfully behind his little stand trying to sell his trusty
friend the dog for $10.00.
The salesman now was starting to take interest noticing that the
little boy was still standing at his stand in the evenings as the salesman
returned home on the bus on the same corner each night. So being the
professional salesman he is, he thought maybe I should help this little
boy by giving him some tips on "HOW TO SELL"
So on his return bus ride that night he stopped at the little boys
stand prepared to give him all the sales advice he could to help the
little boy sell his dog.
The conversation went like this:
"Hello Little boy. I am a Professional Salesman and I couldn't help
seeing you out here everyday trying to sell your little friend there. Can
I give you some sales Advice that will surely help you accomplish your
GOAL?"
"Sure Mister. Do you want to buy my dog?"

Humor Digest - July 90

Clean Jokes

"No Son but I can tell you how you can!"
"Yea Ok Mister!"
"Well first son you have to have a presentable product! Look at that
scroungy thing. You can't sell him like that in that condition Here's
what I want you to do. I want you to take that dog home tonight and scrub
him real good and brush his fur and then put a big blue bow on his
collar. And I will meet you at your stand in the morning to see how you
did. Okay?"
"Okay mister!"
The next morning the salesman left early to stop at the little boys
stand for their next sales meeting.
"Well, he looks pretty good. You did a good job little boy. Now so
that you can sell your product you have to raise your price son! When you
have a prospect looking at your product, don't forget to ask for the
order! And don't give up until you have a commitment to buy! Bargain!
That's the name of the game!"
"Alright mister.
The Salesman then left as the little boy was getting ready to repaint
his sign.
The Next Morning the salesman, eager to see how well his new salesman
was doing, again left early for the bus stop.
When he arrived there across form the bus stop was the little boys
stand, empty no little boy no dog and a big sign plastered across the
stand "SOLD!"
The salesman feeling proud of himself for giving such good advice to
turn such a quick sale continued on to work with a big grin on his face.
Well A week went by and on the way home one night he sees the little
boy that sold the dog and curious how much he got for it runs up a catches
the little boy and says.
"Little Boy, do you remember me? I'm the salesman that gave you the
advice on how to sell your dog."
"Sure Mister."
"Well all I told you must have helped. You closed the sale that very
day! Good Job. Tell Me though. How Much did you get for the dog?"
"10,000 dollars Mister!"
Astonished thinking this can't be right asks the boy again he
responses the same.
The salesman never having made such a fantastic sale as this
questions the little boy one more time.
And the little boy responds, "Yea mister $10,000. You said never
give up if you have a prospect willing to buy! So I asked for the order
and told him the price was firm at $10,000. He said are you willing to
bargain so I traded him for two $5000. cats! Pretty good huh mister?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Ethnic Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these three people sitting in the lobby of an embassy. A
fly comes flying in and lands on the American. He flicks it off, and it
flys around some more and lands on the Jew. The Jew flicks it off and it
lands on the Arabian. He picks it up and EATS it!
Another fly comes buzzing into the lobby and it lands on the American
guy's shoulder again and he flicks it off, and it flies around and lands
on the Jew's shoulder.
The Jew picks it up and says to the Arabian, "Ya wanna buy a fly?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this black guy who was a janitor at a factory. Everyday at
quitting time, the workers would see this guy pushing a wheel barrow full
of aluminum cans to his house. This routine went on for a couple of
months.
Then one day when the factory was shutting down, the janitor drives
by in a brand new Cadillac.
Amazed at this, one of the workers yelled, "Hey man how did you pay
for that car? Did all of them cans bring enough money to pay for it?"
The janitor smiled and said, "No, it was all them wheel barrows!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope, in Poland wanted to do something so that he would be
remembered when he's gone.
So, he called on all his advisors, and they told him that he should
build a bridge, this way every time someone would go over it, they would
remember him by the name of the bridge.
"Excellent Idea," said the Pope. "I must get my architects and
builders on it right away!"
The polish architects designed the most beautiful bridge you had ever
seen, and it was built by the builders in record time, a most beautiful
sight.
The Pope, upon meeting with the foreman said "Congratulations on your
job. I hear that the bridge is beautiful, what river did you build it
over?"
"River?" asked the foreman, "We didn't build it over any river."
"Oh, where did you build it then?" asked the Pope?
"In the Sahara Desert." said the foreman.
"In the Sahara Desert? No one will go over it there. Tear it down
immediately!"
The foreman answered "Sorry, we can't. There are 500 Irishmen
fishing off of it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
While taking his daily stroll, a man discovers a small, brass lamp.
He thinks to himself; "This only occurs in fairy tales!" He decides to rub
the lamp anyway.
Lo, and behold, out pops the genie of the lamp who, in turn, grants
the man an obligatory single wish and disappears. The man, discovering
that nothing has changed, returns to his home.
Later that evening, the man hears riotous noises from outside his
house. He opens his window to investigate and sees several men wearing
white robes standing outside. On his lawn, burns a wooden cross.
The man asks them what they are doing.
One of the white-robed men, holding a rope noose, replies "We're here
to grant your wish of being 'hung' like a black man!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Ethnic Jokes

Three guys, a Frenchman, a German and a Pollock, were sitting in a
bar. In walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat
down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman
and said, "I like fucking white women."
The Frenchman looked at him and thought,"Well,that's great."
Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the
shoulder and said, "I like fucking white women."
The German looked at him and said, "Good for you."
The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer. He got
up, walked over to the Pollack and belted him on the back, then said, "I
like fucking white women."
The Pollock sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't
blame you. I don't like fucking those black ones either."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is kid who is a whiz in his calculus class. A scientist wants
to do studies on this kid, so the student agrees.
The scientist asks the kid to count to three. "1..2..3.." The
scientist removes half of the students brain and asks him to count to
three. "1..2..3.."
The scientist is amazed and removes another half of his brain,
leaving the student with only a quarter of a brain. Sure enough, the
student counts off 1..2..3..
The scientist is so amazed that he removes the remaining part of the
students brain, leaving him with NO brain.
The scientist asks him to count to three again.
The student goes "Uno, Dos, Tres".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juan: What kind of cup you use for coffee?
Bob: A coffee Cup.
Juan: What kind of cup you use for tea?
Bob: A Tea Cup.
Juan: What kind of cup you use to pee in?
Bob: A Pee Cup.
Juan: No man... that's what a Mexican drives to work every morning!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Gross Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This young stud was at his favorite singles bar one night, looking
over the current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the
bar, an absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so. He was used
to scoring with much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell.
He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was
VERY receptive!! So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild
thing, and as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is
rewarded with a mouthful of a warm sticky fluid.
"Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?"
"Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Other Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The First
was a Hughs Aircraft employee who said his dog could do math
calculations. His dog was named "T-Square" and he told the dog to go to
the blackboard and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog
did with no trouble.
The Burroughs employee's dog was named "Slide-Rule". He was told to
go fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into four piles
of three each, which he did.
The Rockwell employee said that was pretty good, but he told his dog,
"Measure," to go buy a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a 10 ounce
glass. He did it perfectly.
The three of them agreed that their dogs were all pretty smart, and
they wanted to see what the Northrop employee's dog, who was named
"Coffee-Break", could do. At the snap of his owner's fingers,
"Coffee-Break" strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, screwed
the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed a workman's
compensation form, and went home on sick leave.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this man who was traveling through England when one day he
stops off at this little pub for a drink.
After cozying up to the bar and ordering, the man notices a large
glass bowl of money behind the bar.
When the bartender came back with his drink the man asked, "What's
the bowl of money for?"
"Well," said the bartender, "I've been having a contest of sorts.
I've got this bonney-smart horse out back, and I'll give this here bowl of
money to the first man who can make him laugh. And if ya can't make him
laugh you have toss a shilling into the kitty."
The man thought about the contest while downing his drink, and
decided to give it go. The bartender then directed the man (and the
nominal group of pub goers) through the back door and out to the barn.
There the man walked up to the horse and whispered something into its
ear. Directly after the horse began to whinny up a storm and fell to the
ground in gales of horse laughter.
Well, to say the least, the bartender was amazed and handed over the
bowl of money to the man. The man heartily thanked him and continued his
travels.
A few months later the man happens by the same little pub, and again,
stops in for a drink. And once again behind the bar is a glass bowl full
of money.
The man questions the bartender, "What kind of contest have you got
going now?"
"Well", begins the bartender, "I'm now giving this money to the man
who can make my horse cry. Are you up to the bet?"
"Why, I guess I can risk one of YOUR shillings" replied the smiling
man. So off they went to the barn.
This time though the man turns to the bartender and said "To make
your horse cry, I must be alone with him for a moment."
After heated discussion among the pub-goers the bartender agrees.
Minutes after closing the barn door the crowd hears loud sobs coming
from within. Soon afterwards the doors swing open and the horse trots
out, tears rolling down from its eyes.
The man walks up to the bartender and requests the money.

Humor Digest - July 90

Other Jokes

"Hold it," cries the bartender, "before I give you the money, just
how did you do it. I mean how did you make the horse laugh a few months
ago, and just now make it cry?"
"Well," replies the man, "Last time I told the horse that my dick was
bigger than his. This time I SHOWED him!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a little yellow frog who wanted to be a green frog
like all the other little froggies of the world.
So he asked the Fairy Godmother of Animals "Fairy Godmother, can I
please be a little green frog like all the other little froggies of the
world?"
So the Fairy Godmother waved her magic wand and POOF! The little
yellow frog turned into a green frog... except for his penis!
The embarrassed little frog asked the Fairy "Fairy Godmother, can I
please be COMPLETELY green like all the other little froggies of the
world?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "You'll have to see the wizard about
that."
Later, in the same forest, a little pink elephant desired to be a
little gray elephant just like all the other little elephants of the
world."
So, he asked the Fairy Godmother of Animals "Fairy Godmother, can I
please be a little gray elephant like all the other little elephants of
the world?"
The Fairy Godmother waved her magic wand and POOF! The little pink
elephant turned into a little gray elephant... except for his penis!
The embarrassed little elephant asked the Fairy "Fairy Godmother, can
I please be COMPLETELY gray like all the other little elephants of the
world?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "You'll have to see the wizard about
that."
The elephant said, "Well, where do I find the wizard?"
The Fairy said, "Just follow the yellow prick toad!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Johnny has been blind ever since birth, so one day his mother comes
in and tells him that tomorrow is a very special day. She tells him that
tonight when he goes to bed pray real hard. So Johnny goes to bed praying
really really hard.
So the next day Johnny's mother comes into his room and says "Johnny,
Johnny wake up and see that your prayers have been answered." Johnny opens
his eyes and screams "Mommy, mommy I can't see."
He mother replies, "I know, April fools Honey!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
So these aliens come to earth and study it for a few weeks until they
finally decide that the dominate species on Earth are machines. They
decide that someone should go down and approach the first machine he
sees.
There is a flash of light and one of the aliens is standing in front
of gas station, he looks around and walks up the a gas pump and says in a
high squeaky voice:
"Take me to your leader." and waits. The gas pump didn't reply. So
the alien said again with a little more force: "Take me to your leader."
Once again the gas pump did not answer, so the alien drew his blaster
from his belt pointed it at the gas pump and yelled: "TAKE ME TO YOUR

Humor Digest - July 90

Other Jokes

LEADER."
The gas pump was doubtless frightened to death but still did not
answer, so the alien let rip with a class 8a ray from his gun and the pump
exploded throwing the alien several miles into the desert.
Eventually his spacecraft came to pick him up. Once on board a
fellow alien told him: "I told you not to fuck with a guy that can wrap
his dick around his head and shove it in his ear!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a kid named Johnny in kindergarten. His father was real
bad around him with swear words, so Johnny picked up in them and had the
worst mouth at school.
One day, the teacher was going through the alphabet, asking students
for objects that started with that letter. The teacher asked for a word
that started with the letter "A", and Johnny raised his hand.
She thought for a minute, then called on Mary because there were too
many bad words that started with the letter "A".
"Apple" said Mary.
Then the teacher said "B".
Johnny raised his hand, but yet the teacher called on Stevie, and he
said "Ball."
Finally, when the teacher got to the letter "R", Johnny raised his
hand, and she called on him. (she couldn't think of any bad words for the
letter "R")
Johnny stood up and said, "R, hmmmm.... A rat, Ya!, a mother fucking
rat with a dick this big!" (Spreading his arms apart as far as he can)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and apply's. Too old
to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He
opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except
that as proof.
He goes home to his wife show's her the check, and explains what has
happened.
"Well get back down there, pull down your pant's and see if you can
get disability!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a woman who wanted bigger tits. All of a
sudden her fairy godmother appeared and said "Every time a man says
'Pardon' to you your tits will grow an inch."
Happily she went to a Chinese restaurant and on her way she bumped
into a policeman and he said "Pardon me, madam" and her tits grew an
inch.
When she got to the restaurant she tripped and fell into a Chinese
waiter and he replied "I beg you a 1000 pardons madam"
The next day the newspaper headlines read "CHINESE WAITER KILLED BY
TWO TORPEDOES."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Sexual Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was 15 and had never gotten laid. He saved up money
from his paper route and went down to the local whorehouse.
"Have you ever been with a woman?" the madam asked.
"No, that's why I'm here." said Johnny.
"Before you try a woman, why don't you get a little experience. Go
off in the woods and practice with trees."
Johnny never thought of that, and went off to the woods. In a week
he returned.
"Are you ready now?" the madam asked.
"Sure am!"
So one of the girls took Johnny up to a room and they undressed.
"Get on your hands and knees," said Johnny.
The girl thought that was pretty kinky for a virgin, but it was his
money. At that point Johnny began poking at her crotch with a stick.
"Stop!" said the girl. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Checking for bees."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled over something
buried in the sand. When he began digging the object out of the sand, he
saw that it was an old Arabian lamp. He thought to himself, "Wow, what a
find" and began rubbing the lamp to clean it up a bit. Whoosh! Out
popped a genie in a swirl of colored smoke.
"Are you the man who rubbed the lamp?" asked the genie.
In shocked silence, the man nodded.
"I'll grant you three wishes," boomed the genie.
The man, after recovering from his surprise, took a few minutes to
think about what his wishes would be.
"Hurry," said the genie, "I want to be on my way."
"Okay, okay," said the man. "For my first wish, I would like a
million dollars." Poof! A million dollars was sitting next to him.
"For my second wish, I would like a solid gold Cadillac." Poof! Next
to the money was the gleaming car.
"And, finally, for my last wish, I want to be between the legs of the
most beautiful woman on earth." Poof!
The genie turned him into a kotex.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about the twin brothers Chet & Paul
Jones. Paul, the single brother, was the proud owner of a dilapidated
boat. It so happened that Chet's wife died the same day that Paul's boat
sank.
A few days later a kindly old old lady met Paul on the street and
mistaking him for Chet said "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm so sorry to hear about
your loss, you must feel terrible."
Then Paul spoke up and said, "Well, I'm not in the least bit sorry,
she was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all
shriveled and she smelt like an old dead fish.
Even from the first time I got into her she made water faster than
anything I have ever seen. She had a bad crack in the front and a big
hole in the back. The hole got bigger every time I used her, and she
leaked like a sieve.
But this is really what finished her.... four guys from the other
side of town, looking for a good time, asked me to rent her to them. I
warned them that she wasn't any good, but they said they would take a

Humor Digest - July 90

Sexual Jokes

chance on her. The results were the crazy fools all tried to get into her
at once. It was too much for her and she cracked down the middle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the author of The Complete Guide to Sexual Practices was in a
bookstore autographing copies when a woman approached him and began
complaining that the book was incomplete. This irritated the author
immensely.
"Madame, I have travelled the globe researching this book! I have
observed the Zulus in Africa, the Eskimos in Siberia, there are no methods
of having sex that I have not described in The Guide!"
The woman offered to demonstrate, back at her apartment. Well, the
author immediately agreed and they went back to her place.
She instructed him to undress. She then removed her glass eye and
proceeded to 'wink him off.' The author was amazed!
"Wow, that was the best ever! I've got to go write the second
edition! Thanks!"
"Sure thing," replied the woman. "If you're in town again stop by,
I'll keep an eye out for you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day lady Di and the queen mother decided to go for a drive. So
they hopped in the Bentley and off they go. A short distance down the
road a highwayman roars out from behind a bush and pulls them over.
"O.K. Di give me that big diamond ring prince Charles gave you."
"I'm sorry, but that ring is out of fashion and I left it at the
palace."
"O.K. Liz, give me that god awful tiera you wear all the time."
"I'm sorry, but it's out of fashion and I left it back at the
palace."
"Well shit, get out of the car at least I'll get that."
They hop out and off the guy goes with the car.
The queen turns to Di and asks " What did you really do with your
ring?"
"I put it up my snatch so he wouldn't find it. What did you do with
your tiera?"
"I put it up my snatch so he wouldn't find it."
Suddenly Di says "Damn, we should have brought Fergie along with us!
We could have kept the Bentley too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Night after night a young boy could hear strange noises coming from
his parents' room. One night, he couldn't stand it any more. He got up,
crept down the hall, and peeked through his parents' keyhole.
He was so amazed at what he saw, he ran down the hall and woke his
brother and brought him to their parents' door.
"Now," he said, "before you look, remember... This is the woman that
told you not to suck your thumb."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer who has 100 hens and no roosters goes to a rooster farmer to
buy a rooster.
The farmer asks for a real horny rooster who can handle all those
hens. The rooster farmer says that he only has Jake. But says he can't
sell jake for safety reasons. The first farmer begs, and finally is able
to buy Jake.
The farmer takes Jake home, all the rooster keeps sayin is: "Pussy
pussy pussy!"

Humor Digest - July 90

Sexual Jokes

The next day all the chickens have been serviced. But Jake is still
running around saying "Pussy pussy pussy!"
The farmer tells Jake that he'd better slow down or he's gonna die.
The following day, all the chickens have been serviced again and so
have the horses and cows!
Jake is still horny and is running around screaming the same thing!
Again the farmer warns him that he'll die, if he keeps it up.
On the third day, the farmer comes out to see all the chickens, cows,
horses, and hogs have been serviced twice by Jake! And there was Jake
laying out on the ground, vultures flying overhead, the farmer says "See,
I told ya..."
Jake points up and whispers,"Shhhh...pussy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You: "Did ya ever get caught beating-off in the closet?"
Victim: "No!"
You: "Pretty good hiding place, huh?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A ninety-year-old woman and a ninety-three-year-old man had just
gotten married. When the husband came out of the bathroom ready for bed,
he found his wife standing on her head, naked, up against the wall.
"What in tarnation are you doing?" he demanded.
"Well," she explained, "I figured in case you couldn't get it up, you
could drop it in."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a line of whores standing in line to get a monthly venereal
disease checkup and an old lady steps up to one of the whores in line and
asks the whore what they are all waiting in line for.
Being the bitch that she is, the whore tells the old lady that they
are waiting in line for lollipops so the old lady gets in line to get her
treat.
When she finally gets to the front of the line the doctor looks at
her surprised and says "My god lady at your age!"
The old lady simply responds, "God no I just suck on them..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A scientist calls his assistant in and tells him "I've created an
apple that tastes like pussy!"
"Great, let me have a bite!" He takes a bite and spit's it out "That
tastes like shit!"
"Oh." says the scientist "Turn It Over."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A travelling salesmans' car breaks down and hikes to the nearest
farm. Of course this farmer has a few daughters, one age 19, one 13 and
one 9.
The farmer told the man that he could stay the night providing he
didn't mess with any of his daughters. The man says ok, no problem.
Night falls and not too long afterwards the man has a knock on his
door.
He answers it and it turns out to be the 19 year old who says "If you
don't screw me, I am going to paint my room red and tell my daddy you
broke my cherry!"
The guy, remembered seeing the arsenal the farmer had, cringed and
replied to the girl, "Well then c'mon in!" So he screws her and after she
leaves it isn't too much longer before the 13 year old is aknockin' at the
door.

Humor Digest - July 90

Sexual Jokes

He answers it and she says, "If you don't screw me, I'm gonna paint
my room red and tell daddy that you broke my cherry." The man of course
lets her in and screws her too.
She leaves and a little while later the 9 year old comes a knockin'
at the door as well. The man answers it, and the little girl says to him
"If you don't screw me, I am gonna paint my room green and say you broke
my cherry."
The man, a bit confused, says "Why would you paint it GREEN?"
She replies "Mine isn't ripe yet!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when a flasher comes by
and opens his coat right in front of them.
Well, the first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a
stroke as well, but unfortunately the third old ladys' arms weren't long
enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three big dogs are in the waiting room at the vets office.
They start talking about why they are there, and the first dog says,
"I'm here because I'm way too horny. I was trying to make advances on my
master's wife."
The other two dogs were amazed, they were there for the same reason!
The second dog said, "My master's wife bent over when she got out of
the shower, and I mounted her. It's nice to know I'm not the only one
who's going to be neutered."
The first dog nodded glumly.
The third dog, however, looked puzzled. "I mounted my master's wife
when she put on her slippers in the morning, but I'm not here to be
neutered. I'm just here to have my nails clipped and my claws trimmed..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy walks up to his dad and asks: ""Daddy, what's a penis?
So the dad takes the boy to the bathroom and pulls down his pants.
Then, the dad says: "Son, not only is this a penis but it's a PERFECT
penis."
The next day, the boy goes to school and says to his friends, "I know
what a penis is." Upon being asked how he knew, he takes his friends to
the bathroom and pulls down his pants.
He says,"This is a penis and if it was two inches shorter, it would
be a PERFECT penis."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two people are in the bathroom. The first guy says to the second
guy, "I wish I had one as long as my cousin's. He has to hold it with
four fingers!"
Then the second guy says to the first guy, "But you're holding yours
with four fingers!"
"Yeah, but I'm pissing on three of them!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy was driving down the street in his totally hot sports car, when
he stopped a light and the most erection-inducing woman he's ever seen
hops in. His eyes bulge out completely when she says, "I LOVE fast cars.
If you can break 130 MPH I'll be your love slave for a week!"
The guy shifts gears and heads for a country backroad. He
accelerates at a blinding rate! He gets to 120, 126, 128, 129 ... 130!
He looks over, and she strips buck naked in front of his eyes! Not
watching the road, he hits a bump and they are thrown out of the

Humor Digest - July 90

Sexual Jokes

convertible, which flies off and wrecks.
When they awaken, she finds that she has hit a pile of hay and is
unharmed, but nude. He finds that he is clothed, but tangled in telephone
lines 20 feet up and can't get out.
He says, "Go for help! There's a gas station about 1/2 a mile back."
She says, "But I'm naked!"
He strains and stretches and finally reaches his shoe. He pulls it
off and it drops to the ground.
"Cover up however you can with that, but just GET HELP!"
So she lodges the sneaker into her snatch, and walks back along the
road. She arrives at the gas station and sees the attendant.
"Help, help! My boyfreind's stuck and he can't get out!"
The attendant looks at the shoe and says, "How the hell did he get in
there?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A traveling salesman in a rural part of Oklahoma sees a boy screwing
a huge jackrabbit. And a while later he sees an old codger, sitting on a
fence, jerking-off.
He stops and says to the old guy, 'You Okies are something else,
First I see a kid screwing a rabbit and now this!"
The old man replies, "You don't expect me to catch rabbits at my age
do you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer was trying to get his two cows, one brown and one white,
bred by a neighbor's bull. That Sunday, the local minister was going to
pay a call and since the farmer didn't want to miss the call, asked his
son to go to the pasture and watch to see if the bull did his duty.
He said, "Now son, if the bull takes care of one of the cows I want
you to come back in the house and tell me, 'Dad, the bull surprised the
cow', and I'll know what you mean." The son acknowledged his dad and left
for the field.
Later, the minister and farmer were in the living room when the son
came bursting in through the door and said, "Dad! The bull just fucked
the brown cow!"
The farmer's face reddened as he grabbed the son and took him off to
the kitchen. "Don't ever say something like that in front of the
minister! Go back out into the field and tell me if the bull takes care
of the white cow, and this time tell me, 'the bull surprised the white
cow.'" The boy left, only to return a short time later.
He yelled, "Dad, dad! The bull..."
The farmer interrupted him quickly and said, "I know, son, the bull
surprised the white cow."
The son replied, "He sure did, he fucked the brown one again!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks in a barber shop and asks the barber "Do you cut women's
hair?"
The barber replies "Of course, we cut all hair!"
The man replies, while pointing to his teeth "Could you get this one
right here!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Dirty Limericks

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Dargeeling
Whose dong reached up to the ceiling
In the electric light socket
He'd put it and rock it,
Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
Thought it very, very foolish to place
Her hand on your cock
When it turned hard as rock,
For fear it would explode in her face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a floozie named Annie
Whose prices were cosy -- but canny:
A buck for a fuck,
Fifty cents for a suck,
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A notorious whore named Miss Hearst
In the weakness of men is well versed.
Reads a sign o'er the head
Of her well-rumpled bed:
"The customer always comes first."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a young man named Lanny
The size of whose prick was uncanny.
His wife, the poor dear,
Took it into her ear,
And it came out the hole in her fanny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When he tried to inject his huge whanger
A young man aroused his girl's anger.
As they strove in the dark
She was heard to remark,
"What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Clean One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know how the Pope keeps his papers together?

A: With papal clips.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of constipation?

A: A log jam.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do we know computers have been around since biblical times?

A: Because Eve had an apple and Adam had a wang.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's one advantage of old age?

A: You can sing and brush your teeth at the same time!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What happens when a bunch of cut onions floats downstream?

A: It makes the Bridge Over the River Kwai (cry).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Ethnic One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with buck-teeth?

A: A rake!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian in a fur coat?

A: A pipe cleaner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell that a woman is REALLY fat?

A: When she walks backward, she goes BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a dime on his head?

A: A nail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is Jewish foreplay?

A: Two hours of begging!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell if your wife's too fat?

A: You slap her behind on the way out to work, and its still wiggling when
you return, that evening.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a wiener?

A: The first one to cross the line at a Mexican track meet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does an Ethiopian woman NEVER say to her husband?

A: "Eat me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's black, charred, and hangs from the chandelier?

A: A polish electrician
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Pollack who was so stupid that other poles
noticed?

A: (none required)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the polish prisoner who was found dead with two
dozen bumps on his head?

A: He tried to hang himself with a rubber band.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Gross One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did they stop the leper hockey game?

A: There was a face off in the corner.

Q: Why did they stop the leper football game?

A: There was a hand off in the backfield.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call someone who spikes the punch with prune juice?

A: A party pooper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Other One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Collection of Light Bulb Jokes

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A1: None a ya damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A1: None. That's a hardware problem.
A2: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. That's a software problem.
A2: None. They always work in the dark!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it
done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.

Humor Digest - July 90

Other One-Liners

A2: None of your damn business!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. ("That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Pollocks does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Silly, Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot
tubs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light
bulb?

A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three, but they're really only one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go

Humor Digest - July 90

Other One-Liners

back on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw it in, and another to repent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That's not funny!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It's "Women," and it's not funny!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. The press will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Oh Icky, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the
light bulb insertion program, and another one to act as a light bulb
administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb
at the same time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light
bulb?

A: Both of them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A1: A tree in a golden forest.
A2: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A3: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer
is Four. One to change the bulb.
A4: Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they carry
their own light with them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Humor Digest - July 90

Other One-Liners

A: Billions and billions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good
the old light bulb was.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to call one
of their subordinates to actually change it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC75-00439
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of
non-blank characters separated by blanks".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first
one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the

Humor Digest - July 90

Other One-Liners

third to shoot the witness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. It turned itself in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is
than with a man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many. Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of
obtaining cabbage patch dolls
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from
the moment they began screwing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 51. One to change the bulb, and 50 to sing about the bulb being
changed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A1: Three. One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the

Humor Digest - July 90

Other One-Liners

keg.
A2: Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room
spins.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done while the
other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?

A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next
week. Meanwhile...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A1: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A2: Only one. Oh, excuse me could you please test the socket with your
finger while I go get a new bulb?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light
bulb?

A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi and one to call Daddy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the
bulb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the light bulb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

Humor Digest - July 90

Other One-Liners

A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A: "151. One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the
ship out of disgrace." (Warning: Do not tell this to Romulans unless
you are ready for a fight. They consider a joke to be a disgrace,
though it is not bad for a light bulb joke.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

A: Many hands make light work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?

A: Seven: Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to
pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that
they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in
the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at
the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security
officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the
natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile,
back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp
out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is
suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free
and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the
Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk
et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with
its five year mission.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Other One-Liners

Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?

A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: At least three.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: All of them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a
store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos
of nothingness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
change a light bulb?

A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I
use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove

Humor Digest - July 90

Other One-Liners

his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator
long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down
into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with
a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie
has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's
real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the
airfield, and return to the United States.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many people does it take to tell a light bulb joke?

A: 1622. One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor
variation of it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Sexual One-Liners

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can a real man tell his girlfriends having an orgasm?

A: Real men don't care.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do bi-sexuals and gay men smoke cigars?

A: Practice makes perfect!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Helen Keller fire her maid?

A: She left the plunger in the toilet.

Q: Why did Hellen Keller hire her back?

A: She liked it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is virginity?

A: A Big issue over a little tissue!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a sewing machine and a woman jogger?

A: A sewing machine only has one bobbin'.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a faggot's favorite flavor of gum?

A: Juicy Fruit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the priest die of AIDS?

A: He forgot to wash his organ between hymns.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware salesperson have in common?

A: They both like a tight seal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectum thermometer?

A: The Taste.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

A: He worked it out with a slide rule.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the coldest part of an eskimo?

A: His balls. they're two below.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a calf's pussy?

A: Veal cuntlet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are "Brownie Points"?

Humor Digest - July 90

Sexual One-Liners

A: What you find in a future girl scout's bra!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a clitoris?

A: A female hood ornament!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do when a pitbull humps your leg?

A: Fake an orgasm!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the most common bra size at the Senior Citizens' Home?

A: 38 Long.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why should you only have sex for six days of a seven day long
honeymoon?

A: Because seven days makes a whole week.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a display of complete honesty and trust?

A: 2 cannibals in a sixty-nine!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's better than roses on a piano?

A: Tulips (two lips) on my organ!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Who are the most sociable people in the world?

A: Gay men. They all have friends up the ass!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why couldn't the gay student sit down?

A: His seat was taken right before class.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell most theatrical agents are gay?

A: They like to get behind their young talent and push!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Poems

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ENGLISH

We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot - would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular is this and plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?
Then one may be that, and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!
So our English, I think you will all agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother.
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there.
And dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Why, man alive,
I'd learned to talk it when I was five,
And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn't learned it at fifty-five!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Poems

The cheerful glass with a cheerful lass
Is a mighty fine thing together.
But a cheerful lass with a cheerful ass
To my mind is a damn sight better.
So here's to the glass, the lass and the ass,
May all three come together.
Drinking the glass, feeling the ass
And making the lass feel better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BALLAD OF ESKIMO NELL

When a man grows old and his balls grow old,
And the tip of his tool turns blue,
When it bends in the middle,
Like a one string fiddle,
He can tell you a tale or two.
So pull up chair and stand me a drink,
And a tale to you I'll tell,
Of Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete,
And a harlot called Eskimo Nell.

When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete,
Go forth in search of fun,
It's Dead-Eye Dick,
That slings the prick,
And Mexican Pete the gun.
When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Are sore, depressed, and sad,
It's always a cunt that bears the brunt,
But the shooting ain't so bad.

Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Lived down by dead man's creek,
And such was their luck,
They'd had no fuck,
For nigh on half a week.
Just a moose or two and a caribou,
And a bison cow or so,
But for dead-eye dick with his kingly prick
This fucking was bloody slow.

So do or dare this horny pair,
Set forth for the Rio Grande.
Dead-Eye Dick,
With his mighty prick,
And Pete with his gun in his hand.
And as they blazed their noisy trail,
No man their path withstood,
And many a bride, her husband's pride,
Knew pregnant widowhood.

They reached the strand of the Rio Grande,
At the height of blazing noon,
And to slake their thirst,

Humor Digest - July 90

Poems

And do their worst,
They sought black mike's saloon.
They pushed the swing doors open wide,
Both prick and gun flashed free.
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
You drink or fuck with me."

They'd heard of the prick of Dead-Eye Dick,
From Maine to Panama.
So with scarcely worse,
Than a muttered curse,
Those dagoes sought the bar.
The girls knew too his playful ways,
Down on the rio grande,
So forty whores just dropped their drawers,
At Dead-Eye Dick's command.

They saw the fingers of Mexican Pete,
Itch on the trigger grip,
And they didn't wait,
At a fearful rate,
Those whores began to strip.
Now Dead-Eye Dick was breathing quick,
With lecherous snorts and grunts,
As forty bums were bared to view,
And likewise forty cunts.

Now forty bums and forty cunts,
If you'll just use your wits,
And if you're slick,
At arithmetic,
Makes just on eighty tits.
Now eighty tits are a gladsome sight,
For a man with a raging stand,
It may be rare in berkeley square,
But not on the rio grande.

Now Dead-Eye Dick had fucked a few,
On the last preceding night,
But this was done,
Only for fun,
Just to whet his appetite.
His phallic limb was in fucking trim,
As he backed and took a run,
He made a dart at the nearest tart,
And scored a hole in one.

He bore this whore to the sandy floor,
And there he fucked her fine,
And though she grinned,
It put the wind,
Up the other thirty nine.
When Dead-Eye Dick lets loose his prick,
He's got no time to spare,

Humor Digest - July 90

Poems

For speed and length combined with strength,
He fairly singes hair.

He made a dart to the next spare tart,
When into that harlot's hell,
Strolled a gentle maid,
Who was unafraid,
And her name was Eskimo Nell.
By this time Dick had got his prick,
Well into number two,
When eskimo nell let out a yell,
She bawled to him "hey you!"

He gave a flick of his muscular prick,
And the whore flew over his head,
He wheeled about,
With an angry shout,
Both face and balls were red.
She glanced our hero up and down,
His looks she did decry,
With utter scorn she glimpsed the horn,
That rose from his hairy thigh.

She blew the smoke from her cigarette,
Over his steaming knob;
So utterly beat,
Was mexican pete,
That he failed to do his job.
It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell,
In accents clear and cool,
"You cunt-struck shrimp of a yankee pimp,
You call that thing a tool?"

"If this here town can't take that down,"
She sneered at the cowering whores,
"There's one little cunt,
Can do the stunt,
And it's Eskimo Nell's, not yours".
She stripped her garments one by one,
With an air of conscious pride.
As she stood in her womanhood,
They saw her great divide.

She seated herself on a table top,
Where some one had left a glass.
With a flick of her tits,
She crushed it to bits,
Between the cheeks of her ass.
She flexed her knees with supple ease,
And spread her legs apart.
With a friendly nod to the mangy sod,
She gave him his cue to start.

But Dead-Eye Dick knew a trick or two,

Humor Digest - July 90

Poems

And meant to take his time,
For a girl like this,
Was fucking bliss,
So he played a pantomime.
He flexed his arse-hole to and fro,
And made his balls inflate,
Until they looked like granite knobs,
On top of a garden gate.

He blew his anus inside out,
His balls increased in size,
His mighty prick,
Grew twice as thick,
And stretched up past his eyes.
He polished it up with alcohol,
And made it steaming hot.
To finish the job he sprinkled his knob,
With a cayenne pepper pot.

Then neither did he take a run,
Nor did he take a leap,
Nor did he stoop,
But took a swoop,
And a steady forward creep.
With piercing eye he took a sight,
Along his mighty tool,
And the steady grin as he pushed it in,
Was calculated cool.

Have you seen the mighty pistons,
On the giant C.P.R ?
With the driving force
Of a thousand horse,
Well, you know what pistons are.
So you think you do; but you've yet to learn
The ins and outs of the trick;
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run,
By a guy like Dead-Eye Dick.

Well Eskimo Nell was no infidel,
As good as a whole harem.
With the strength of ten, in her abdomen,
And the rock of ages between em.
Amid stops she could take the stream,
Like the flush of a water closet,
And she gripped his cock,
Like the chatswood lock,
Of the national safe deposit.

But Dead-Eye Dick would not come quick,
He meant to conserve his powers,
For he had a mind,
To grind and grind,
For a couple of solid hours.

Humor Digest - July 90

Poems

Nell lay for a while with a subtle smile,
The grip of her cunt grew keener,
With a flick of her thigh she sucked him dry,
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.

She performed this trick in a way so slick,
As to set in complete defiance,
The basic cause,
And primary laws,
That govern sexual science.
She calmly rode through the phallic code,
That, for years, had stood the test,
And the ancient rules of the classic schools,
In a second or two went west.

And so, my friend, we near the end,
Of copulations epic;
The effect on dick,
Was sudden and quick,
And akin to anaesthetic.
He fell to the floor and knew no more,
His passions extinct and dead,
And he did not shout as his prick slid out,
Though it was stripped down to a thread.

Then Mexican Pete jumped to his feet,
To avenge his friend's affront.
With a jarring jolt
Of his blue-nosed colt,
He rammed it up her cunt.
He rammed it up to the trigger grip
And fired it three times three.
But to his surprise she closed her eyes,
And smiled in ecstasy.

She jumped to her feet with a smile so sweet,
"Bully", she said, "for you,
Though I might have guessed,
That was the best,
That you poor sods could do".
"When next my friend that you intend,
To sally forth for fun,
Buy Dead-Eye Dick a sugar stick,
And yourself an elephant gun".

"I'm going back to the frozen north,
Where the pricks are hard and strong.
Back to the land,
Of the frozen stand,
Where the nights are six months long".
"It's hard as tin when they put it in,
In the land where spunk is spunk.
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream,
But a frozen solid chunk".

Humor Digest - July 90

Poems

"Back to the land where they understand,
What it means to fornicate.
Where even the dead,
Sleep two in a bed,
And the babies masturbate".
"Back to the land of the grinding gland,
Where the walrus plays with his prong".
Where the polar bear wanks-off in his lair,
That's where they'll sing this song".

"They'll tell this tale on the arctic trail,
Where the nights are sixty below."
Where it's so damn cold,
That johnnies are sold,
Wrapped up in a ball of snow".
"In the valley of death with bated breath,
That's where they'll sing it too."
Where skeletons rattle in sexual battle,
And rotting corpses screw".

"Back to the land, Where men are men,
Terra bellicum,
And there I'll spend my worthy end,
For the north is calling 'come'".
So Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete,
Slunk out of the Rio Grande.
Dead-Eye Dick with his buggered prick,
And Pete with no gun in his hand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was an amorous camel,
who was in love with the Sphinx of the Nile:
He loved her impenetrable silence,
He loved her mysterious style.
But the Sphinx' posterior orifice
Is clogged with the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the Camel
And the Sphinx' inscrutable smile.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
DEC WARS
The Adventures of Luke Vaxhacker

As we enter the scene, an Imperial Multiplexer is trying to kill a
consulate ship. Many of their signals have gotten thru, and RS232 decides
it's time to fork off a new process before this old ship is destroyed.
His companion, 3CPU is following him only because he appears to know where
he is going...
"I'm going to regret this!" cried 3CPU, as he followed RS232 into the
buffer. RS232 closed the pipes, made the sys call, and their process
detached itself from the burning shell of the ship.
The commander of the Imperial Multiplexer was quite pleased with the
attack. "Another process just forked, Sir. Instructions?" asked the
lieutenant "Hold your fire. That last power failure must have caused a
trap thru zero. It's not using any cpu time, so don't waste a signal on
it."
"We can't seem to find the data file anywhere, Lord Vadic." "What
about that forked process? It could have been holding the channel open,
and just pausing. If any links exist, I want them removed or made
inaccessible. Ncheck the entire file system 'til it's found, and nice it
-20 if you have to."
Meanwhile, in our wandering process... "Are you sure you can ptrace
this thing without causing a core dump?" queried 3CPU to RS232. "This
thing's been stripped and I'm in no mood to try and debug it." The lone
process finished execution, only to find our friends dumped on a lonely
file system, with the setuid inode stored safely in RS232. Not knowing
what else to do, they wandered around until the Jawas grabbed them.
Enter our hero, Luke Vaxhacker, who was out to get some replacement
parts for his uncle. The Jawas wanted to sell him 3CPU, but 3CPU didn't
know how to talk directly to an 11/40 with RSTS, so Luke still needed some
sort of interface for 3CPU to connect to. "How about this little RS232
unit?" asked 3CPU. "I've dealt with him many time before, and he does an
excellent job at keeping his bits straight." Luke was pressed for time, so
he took 3CPU's advice and the three left before they could get swapped
out.
However, RS232 was not the type to stay put once you remove the
retaining screws. He promptly scurried off into the deserted disk space.
"Great!" cried Luke, "Now I've got this little tin box with the only link
to that file off floating in the free disk space. Well, 3CPU, we better
go find him before he gets allocated by someone else." The two set off,
and finally traced RS232 to the home of PDP-1 Kenobe, who was busily
trying to run an icheck on the little RS unit. "Is this thing yours? His
indirect addresses are all goofed up, and the size is gargantious. Leave
things like this on the loose, and you'll wind up with file dumps
everywhere. However, I think I've got him fixed up. It seems that he has
a link to a data file on the Are-Em Star. This could help the rebel
cause." "I don't care about that," said Luke. "I'm just trying to
optimize my uncle's scheduler."
Oh, forget about that. Dec Vadic, who is responsible for your
father's death, has probably already destroyed his farm in search of this
little RS232. It's time for you to leave this place, join the rebel
cause, and become a UNIX wizard! I know a guy by the name of Con Solo,
who'll fly us to the rebel base at a price..."

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

Luke had grown up on an out of the way terminal cluster whose natives
spoke only BASIC, but even he could recognize an old ASR-33.
"It needs an EIA conversion at least," sniffed 3CPU, who was (as
usual) trying to do several things at once. Light flashed in Con Solo's
eyes as he whirled to face the parallel processor.
"I've added a few jumpers. The Milliamp Falcon can run current loops
around any Imperial TTY fighter. She's fast enough for you."
"Who's your co-pilot?" asked PDP-1 Kenobie.
"Two Bacco, here, my Bookie."
"Odds aren't good," said the brownish lump beside him, and then fell
silent, or over. Luke couldn't tell which way was up underneath all those
leaves.
Suddenly, RS232 started spacing wildly. They turned just in time to
see a write cycle coming down the UNIBUS toward them. "Imperial Bus
Signals!" shouted Con Solo. "Let's boot this popsicle stand! Tooie, set
clock fast!"
"Ok, Con," said Luke, "You said this crate was fast enough. Get us
out of here!"
"Shut up kid! Two Bacco, prepare to make the jump into system
space! I'll try to keep their buffers full."
As the bookie began to compute the vectors into low core, spurious
characters appeared around the Milliamp Falcon. "They're firing!" shouted
Luke "Can't you do something?"
"Making the jump to system space takes time, kid. One missed cycle
and you could come down right in the middle of a pack of stack frames!"
"Three to five we can go now," said the bookie.
Bright chunks of position independent code flashed by the cockpit as
the Milliamp Falcon jumped through the kernal page tables. As the crew
breathed a sigh of relief, the bookie started paying off bets.
"Not bad, for an accoustically coupled network," REMarked 3CPU. "Though
there was a little phase jitter as we changed parity."

The story thus far: Luke, PDP-1, and their 'droids RS232 and 3CPU
have made good their escape from the Imperial Bus Signals with the aid of
Con Solo and the bookie, Two Bacco. The Milliamp Falcon hurtles onward
through system space. Meanwhile, on a distant page in user space...
Princess _LPA0: was ushered into the conference room, followed
closely by Dec Vadic. "Governor Tarchive," she spat, "I should have
expected to find you holding Vadic's lead. I recognized your unique
pattern when I was first brought aboard." She eyed the 0177545 tatooed on
his header coldly.
"Charming to the last," Tarchive declared menacingly. "Vadic, have
you retrieved any information?"
"Her resistance to the logic probe is considerable," Vadic rasped.
"Perhaps we would get faster results if we increased the supply
voltage..."
"You've had your chance, Vadic". Now I would like the princess to
witness the test that will make this workstation fully operational. Today
we enable the -r beam option, and we've chosen the princess' $HOME of
/usr/alderaan as the primary target."
"No! You can't! /usr/alderaan is a public account, with no
restricted permissions. We have no backup tapes! You can't..."
"Then name the rebel inode!" Tarchive snapped.

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

A voice announced over a hidden speaker that they had arrived in
/usr.
"1248," she whispered, "They're on /dev/rm3. Inode 1248." She turned
away.
Tarchive sighed with satisfaction. "There, you see Lord Vadic? She
can be reasonable. Proceed with the operation."
It took several clock cycles for the words to penetrate. "What!"
_LPA0: gasped.
"/dev/rm3 is not a mounted filesystem." Tarchive explained. "We
require a more visible subject to demonstrate the power of the RM STAR
workstation. We will mount an attack on /mnt/dantooine as soon as
possible."
As the princess watched, Tarchive reached over and typed "ls" on a
nearby terminal. There was a brief pause, there being only one processor
on board, and the viewscreen showed, ".: not found."
The princess suddenly double-spaced and went off-line.

The Milliamp Falcon hurtles on thru system space... Con Solo
finished checking the various control and status registers, finally
convinced himself that they had lost the Bus Signals as they passed the
terminator. As he returned from the I/O page, he smelled smoke. Solo
wasn't concerned--the Bookie always got a little hot under the collar when
he was losing at chess. In fact, RS232 had just executed a particularly
clever MOV that had blocked the Bookie's data paths. The Bookie, who had
been setting the odds on the game, was caught holding all the cards. A
little strange for a chess game...
Across the room, Luke was too busy practicing bit-slice technique to
notice the commotion.
"On a word boundary, Luke," said PDP-1. "Don't just hack at it.
Remember, the Bytesaber is the weapon of the Red-eye Night. It is used to
trim offensive lines of code. Excess handwaving won't get you anywhere.
Listen for the Carrier."
Luke turned back to the drone, which was humming quietly in the air
next to him. This time Luke's actions complemented the drone's attacks
perfectly.
Con Solo, being an unimaginative hacker, was not impressed. "Forget
this bit-slicing stuff. Give me a good PROM blaster any day."
"~~j~~hhji~~," Said Kenobie, with no clear inflection. He fell
silent for a moment, and reasserted his control.
"What happened?" asked Luke
"Strange," said PDP-1. "I felt a momentary glitch in the carrier.
It's equalized now."
"We're coming up on user space," called Solo from the CSR. As they
cruised safely thru stack frames, they emerged in the new context only to
be bombarded by freeblocks."
"What the..." gasped Solo. The screen showed clearly: /usr/alderaan:
not found "It's the right inode, but it's been cleared! Twoie, where's
the nearest file?"
"3 to 5 there's one..." The Bookie started to say, but was
interrupted by a bright flash off to the left.
"Imperial TTY fighters!" Shouted Solo. "A whole DZ of them! Where
are they coming from?"
"Can't be far from the host system," said Kenobie. "They all have
direct EIA connections."

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

As Solo began to give chase, the ship lurched suddenly. Luke noticed
the link count was at 3 and climbing rapidly.
"This is no regular file," murmured Kenobie. "Look at the ODS
directory structure ahead! They seem to have us in a tractor beam."
"There's no way we'll unlink in time," Said Solo. "We're going
in..."

You can take it from here...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dark

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light, they suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers. The
dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass
heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck
dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.
There is much less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The
larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark
suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in
this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once
they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the
black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A
new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use,
the wick turns black, representing all of the dark which has been sucked
into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle,
the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into
the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very
limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these
can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark
storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either
emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel into a
solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount
of heat, Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark
is also heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface of a lake,
you see a lot of light. If you slowly swim deeper and deeper, you notice
it getting slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of
approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the
heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats
to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's
advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of
lakes and push it through turbines, which generates electricity and helps
push the dark to the ocean, where it may be safely stored. Prior to
turbines, it was much more difficult to get the dark from the rivers and
lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to
solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as
the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark;
but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly, so
as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
closet; but since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark
leave the closet.
In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all of our
lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb,
remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
You can never surprise a woman... You can only do something before
she expects you to!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Speaking of Rice Krispies, did you hear that Snap, Crackle, and Pop
were murdered? They're looking for a cereal killer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the cement mixer that collided with a prison
vehicle carrying convicts? They're looking for 7 hardened criminals.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then of course, you'd all heard the story of a renegade electrician
who disrupted society by inciting swarms of evicted beggars against the
government?
It was all about a resistance movement to save the 'ohmless.
(yaw gotta keep up with 'current' news!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a pit of alligators?

A: He ate four of them before being pulled out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris Brown College Law School, Final Exam!

A. Constitutional Law

A dude commit arm robbery. After he be arrest, the dude be hongry
and ax the police to get him some ribs and a large R.C. Cola. The police
get him a baloney aamich and water instead.

Question: Has the dude's constitutional rights been violate?

B. Bankruptcy

Lionel wish to open a rib place. He barrow $100,000 from the Small
Binness Administration. One week later, Lionel file a bankrupt petition
due to the economic flukuation.

Question: Do Lionel get to keep his special order wire-wheel Eldorado?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I heard that in Detroit they are installing blacks on the
steering wheels: you get into an accident, hit them, and the lips
inflate!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following memo recently came across my desk for general
distribution, and was provided by the IBM publications dept., P.O.Box
12195-E02, Research Triangle Park, NC, 22709.

SUBJECT: NEW OPERATING SYSTEM FOR IBM MAINFRAMES.

Because So many users have asked for an Operating System of even
greater capability than VM, IBM announces the 'Virtual Universe Operating
System'.

Running under OS/VU, the individual user appears to have not merely a
machine of their own, but an entire universe of their own, in which they
can set up, and take down their own programs, data sets, system networks,
planets and even solar systems. The user need only specify the universe
desired, and the OS/VU system generation program(IEHGOD) does the rest.
This utility will reside in the library named 'SYS1.GODLIB'. Optimum
performance for this function is six days of execution and one day of
overhead. In conjunction with OS/VU, all system facilities will be
replaced by one utility(IEHPROPHET) which will reside in the library names
'SYS1.MESSIAH'. This utility has no parms or control cards as it
naturally knows what you want it to do when it is executed.
Naturally the user must have attained a certain degree of
sophistication in the data processing field if efficient utilization of
OS/VU is to be achieved. Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies, for
instance, can lead to unexpected delays in task execution. Although IBM,
through its wholly-owned subsidiary, the United States of America, has
embarked upon a program to upgrade the speed of light and thus reduce the
overhead of extrasolar and metadimensional pagination, users must, at
present, be careful to stay within the bounds of the laws of physics. IBM
will charge a fee for any infractions.
OS/VU will operate upon any IBM x0xx system possessing the Extended
WARP Option.
Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate all existing systems
and hardware to OS/VU as soon as their engineers effect an one output that
is (conceptually) error-free. This will yield a base to develop an even
more powerful operating system, designated 'Virtual Reality'. OS/VR is
planned to enable the user to migrate to totally unreal universes. To aid
the user in identifying the difference between a 'virtual reality' and
'REALITY', a file consisting of a linear arrangement of multi-sensory
total records, or successive moments of 'now' will be established, and
reside in the data set labeled 'SYS1.est'.

... Government Worker
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
SIDNEY NEWS DIGEST - Sidney UG, AUST.

Micro was a real time operator and dedicated multi-user. His
broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous
input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the sun was crashing, and parked
his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the S100 bus that
morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy
wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly,

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."
Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes
like COBOL and a prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's
peripherals networking all over the place.
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin,
32-bit floating point processors, and enquired "How are you Honeywell?".
"Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and
smoothing her console over her curvi-linear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone
tonight", he said. "How about computing a vector to my bas address, I'll
output a byte to eat, and maybe we could offset latter on"?
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milli-seconds, the transmitted
"8K, I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need
to refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and
meet you inside". She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids
and thinking, "WOW, what a global variable, I wonder if she'll like my
firmware?"
They sat down at the process table to a tub of form feed and fiche
and chips and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversational mode an
expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional
acknowledgements although, in reality he was analyzing the shortest and
least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old
"Would you like to see my bench-mark routine?", but Mini was again one
step ahead.
Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the
full functionality of her operating system software. "Lets' get BASIC,
you RAM", she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware
pulling module had a processor of it's own and was in danger of
overflowing it's output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his
analyst about. "Core", was all he could say.
Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and
opened her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his
fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU
stack when she attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!", she piped. "You're not shielded!"
"Reset, baby", he replied. "I've been debugged".
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes", she protested.
"Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt".
"No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design
philosophy".
Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned
off. But she soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike
into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to
sleep.
"Computers!", she thought as she compiled herself, "All they ever
think of is Hex!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Words to Live By

186,000 miles per second isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
A bird in hand is better then one overhead.
A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A desk is a wastebasket with drawers.
A diamond is just a lump of coal that made good under pressure.
A father is a banker provided by nature.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A hangover...the wrath of grapes.
A man's house is his hassle.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
A picture is worth a thousand words; a slide show is both.
A pleasure trip is defined as driving your mother-in-law back home.
A word of advice - don't give it.
After all is said and done, usually more is said then done.
Age isn't important unless you're a cheese.
All men are born free and equal but some get married.
All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
An authority knows lots of things you don't care about.
An expert has a great reason for guessing wrong.
An optimist is one who sees a light. A pessimist is one who blows it out.
An optimist laughs to forget..a pessimist forgets to laugh.
Any law enacted with more than fifty words contains at least one loophole.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
Anything that can go wrong will.
Astronauts are out to launch.
Atheist...a man with no invisible means of support.
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
Avoid criticism - say, do and be nothing.
Bad luck is being run over by the welcome wagon.
Be alert, America needs more lerts.
Be sure the brain is engaged before putting the mouth in gear.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
Beer bellies = great waist.
Behind every successful man - a surprised mother-in-law.
Behind every successful woman - herself.
Betty Crocker uses a mix.
Beware of dark rooms ... the room might be the morgue.
Blame San Andreas - it's his fault.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Bureaucrats are the meat loaf of humanity.
Can you remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
Careful planning will never replace dumb luck.
Careful!...you may be the only bible some people ever read.
Carpenters are just plane folks.
Chicken - the egg's way of making more eggs.
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
Clones are people two.
Cole's law - thinly sliced cabbage.
College is a fountain of knowledge where students come to drink.

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

Cut to fit; beat into place.
Cutting remarks don't cut any ice.
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "NICE DOGGIE" until you can get a rock.
Discover all unpredictable errors before the occur.
Do it today, tomorrow it will be bad for your health or illegal.
Do unto others before they undo you.
Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb?.
Do your knees buckle, but not your belt?.
Does your back go out more than you do?.
Doing nothing makes you tired 'cause you can't take a break.
Don't ever eat yellow snow.
Don't ever stand up to be counted or someone will steal your seat.
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Don't get discouraged...no one is perfect.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't lie, steal, or cheat unnecessarily.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drive carefully, death is so permanent.
Early to bed - makes you healthy, wealthy and boring.
Early to bed and early to rise and you'll miss a lot of fun.
Eat yogurt and get culture.
Even if you understood women, you'd never believe it.
Ever just seem to not be able to get around to procrastinating?
Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again.
Every time you learn all the answers, they change all the questions.
Everything coming your way? you're in the wrong lane!
Everything goes on sale ... right after you buy it.
Everything going good? you must have overlooked something.
Everything hurts .. and what doesn't don't work.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Expenditures rise to meet income.
Expert - anyone from out of town.
Expert - knows tomorrow why today's prediction failed.
Fact - red lights always last longer than green ones.
Feel good? don't worry, you'll get over it.
Fellow with closed mind often has open mouth.
Flattery is the sincerest form of lying
Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.
Friction is a drag.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Government always plays both ends against the taxpayer.
Gravity brings you down.
Great beer bellies are made, not born.
He who hesitates is last.
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
He who laughs last; probably didn't get the joke.
His brain is like a politician's speech - mostly empty.
I wouldn't mind being poor if I had lots of money.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the same mistakes sooner.

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

If a sight is worth seeing, someone will build a highway to it.
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving.
If at first you don't succeed, clutch for whatever you can get.
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get lots of advice.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get plenty of advice how to.
If at first you don't succeed, you're about average.
If credit can possibly go to someone else, it will.
If it is worth fighting for, it is worth fighting dirty for.
If it's in stock, we have it.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If you can be Beat by one, you will be.
If you don't know who's to blame, you are!
If you itch for it, scratch for it.
If you see an onion ring...answer it.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball.
If your parents didn't have children, odds are you won't either.
In God we trust; all others pay cash.
It order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Interchangeable parts ... don't.
It takes two to make a marriage - a girl and her mother.
It's easy to suggest the solution when you don't know the problem.
It's hard to be humble when you are so perfect.
It's hard to fly with eagles when you work with turkeys.
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Jealousy...all the fun you think they have.
Keep smiling. Everyone will wonder what you're up to.
Keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them.
Lawyers work in their briefs.
Leakproof seals ...do.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Liars get caught by the tale.
Life and liberty are safe only when congress is in recess.
Life is full of minor and major problems; some days you get both.
Light at the end of the tunnel? look out for that train.
Loafer - someone trying to make two weekends meet.
Lose weight - eat stuff you hate.
Lose weight - put a scale in front of the 'fridge.
Mad at your neighbor? buy his kid a drum!
Make someone happy today - mind your own business.
Man doesn't live by bread alone - many get by on crust.
Many of us have an excellent aim in life, but no ammunition.
Men have many faults, women only two, all they say & all they do.
Money is the root of all evil, but man needs roots.
Most pigs end up making hogs of themselves.
Musicians are just playn' folks.
Never hit a man with glasses...use your fist.
Never let your studies interfere with your education.
Never lie unless you have an awfully good memory.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never slap a child in the face - there are plenty of places.

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
Never step in anything soft.
Never underestimate the lack of taste of the buying public.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Next to the dog, the wastebasket is man's best friend.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No job is too small to botch.
No matter how thin you slice it, it's still baloney.
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
No matter which way you ride, it's up hill and against the wind.
No one can get ahead of you when they're kicking you in the rear.
Nobody ever puts out a sign that says "NICE DOG".
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing stimulates the appetite like an empty billfold.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patients.
Old frogs never die...but they do croak.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Only a ball player's errors are published every day.
Only adults have trouble with child-proof bottles.
Parents never fully appreciate teachers until it rains all weekend.
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Pilots are just plane folks.
Politicians will always inflate when given the opportunity.
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
Practice makes perfect, but no one's perfect, so why practice?
Pride is what we have...vanity is what others have.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
"Push" is the force exerted upon the door marked "PULL".
Rubber bands have snappy endings.
Save your money - someday it may be worth something
Say nothing & they think your stupid..talk & they know for sure.
Short cut... the longest distance between two points.
Smile... things can always get worse.
Smile... people will wonder what you've been up to.
Some people believe anything if you whisper it.
Some people can quit a job without leaving a vacancy.
Somebody who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Stalin's grave was a communist plot.
Success is the art of making your mistakes when nobody's looking.
Talk is cheap unless you hire a lawyer.
Teachers have class.
Teamwork is vital... it gives you someone to blame.
Tell the truth and you won't have so much to remember.
That argument you won from your wife isn't over yet.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
The average woman talks 50% more than her husband listens.
The best investment opportunities are encountered when you are broke.
The best time to buy anything is last year.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it one time.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

The one sitting, contributing nothing, is a supervisor.
The only short meetings are when no one shows up.
The rooster may crow, but the hen delivers.
There is no such thing as being a "little pregnant".
There's no fool like an old fool, 'cause he's experienced.
There's no special reason; it's just government policy.
There's nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
Things work better if you plug them in.
Those who think they know it all upset those of us who do.
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
To err is human - to blame it on the other party is politics.
To err is human, to forgive is unusual.
To err is human; to really foul things up takes a computer.
To error is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.
To every exception there is a rule.
To get a loan you must prove you don't need it.
To learn the value of a dollar - try to borrow some.
To make a long story short, don't tell it.
Too busy to laugh? then you are too busy.
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
Unwritten laws can not be erased.
Use your head - it's the little things that count.
"V.D." is nothing to clap about.
We are the people our parents warned us against.
We should go metric every inch of the way.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When all is said and done more will be said then done.
When in doubt, mumble.
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
When money talks there are few interruptions.
When talking nonsense try not to be serious.
When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
When you kill time you murder success.
Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
Where there's a will there's a relative.
Where there's a will, there's inheritance tax.
Why are creditor's memories better then debtors?
Why do expenses always rise to meet income?
Why do you always find something in the last place you look?
Why does bread always fall butter side down?
Why does the other lane always move faster?
You are what you eat, so Euelle Gibbons was a nut.
You can always find what you are not looking for.
You can't win them all, but you can sure lose them all.
You know you're getting old when everything dries up or leaks.
You never "find" time, but you can always "make" it.
You never learn anything with your mouth open.
You win a few, you lose a lot.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
You're old when you forget how to start your rocking chair.
You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FIFTEEN REASONS TO FLY DELTA

1) DELTA: We never make the same mistake three times!
2) DELTA: A REAL man lands where he wants to.
3) DELTA: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us!
4) DELTA: We're AMTRAK with wings.
5) DELTA: Join our Frequent Near-Miss Program!
6) DELTA: Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!
7) DELTA: Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
8) DELTA: Enjoy the in-flight movie on the plane next to you.
9) DELTA: The kids will LOVE our inflatable slides!
10) DELTA: Bring a bathing suit!
11) DELTA: Enjoy complimentary champagne during free-fall.
12) DELTA: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
13) DELTA: We might be landing on YOUR street!
14) DELTA: If you think it's so easy, get your own Freak'n plane!
15) DELTA: DELTA gets you CLOSE.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where
car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the
fewest words possible.

1) Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.
2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intentions.
3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
head through it.
4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7) The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.
8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law
and headed over the embankment.
9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I
did not see the other car.
11) I had been driving 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an
accident.
12) I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal
joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13) As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no
stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to
avoid the accident.
14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.
15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17) I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, found
that I had a fractured skull.
18) I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

road when I struck him.
19) I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
roof of my car.
20) The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
21) The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth.
22) I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
23) The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of
its way when it struck the front end.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real Programmers Don't...

1) Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves
lucky to get any programs at all and take what they can get.
2) Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to understand.
3) Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program right
down to the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who
can't do systems programming.
4) Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechuan
food.
5) Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy
applications programmers.
6) Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if
you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in
'only a few' 30-hour debugging sessions.
7) Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe-stress
freaks and crystallography weenies.
8) Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are
around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
9) Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
10) Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
11) Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings or the object deck.
12) Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of
those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people
with weak memories.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following op-codes have just been added to all computers. Please
use where appropriate.

AFF - ADD FUDGE FACTOR
AGB - ADD GARBAGE
AOI - ANNOY OPERATOR IMMEDIATE
BBL - BRANCH ON BURNED OUT LIGHT
BAH - BRANCH AND HANG
BLI - BRANCH AND LOOP INFINITE
BPB - BRANCH ON PROGRAM BUG
BPC - BREAK PRINTER CHAIN

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

BPO - BRANCH IF POWER OFF
BRA - BRANCH TO RANDOM ADDRESS
COF - COUNT ON FINGERS
COI - CONSULT ORACLE IMMEDIATE
CPB - CREATE PROGRAM BUG
CRN - CONVERT TO ROMAN NUMERALS
DAO - DIVIDE AND OVERFLOW
DBR - DROP BITS RANDOM
EOS - ERASE OPERATING SYSTEM
ERS - ERASE READ-ONLY STORAGE
FMD - FAKE MISSING DATA
HCF - HALT AND CATCH FIRE
IAD - ILLOGICAL AND
IDT - INCREASE DOWN TIME
INI - IGNORE NEXT INSTRUCTION
IOR - ILLOGICAL OR
IPI - IGNORE PREVIOUS INSTRUCTION
MDB - MULTIPLY AND DROP BITS
MWK - MULTIPLY WORK
OPI - OVERPRINT INFINITE
PAS - PRINT AND SMEAR
RBT - READ AND BREAK TAPE
RPM - READ PROGRAMMER'S MIND
RRT - RECORD AND RIP TAPE
RSD - READ AND SCRAMBLE DATA
RWD - REWIND DISK
SRZ - SUBTRACT AND RESET TO ZERO
SSD - SEEK AND SCRATCH DISK
TPR - TEAR PAPER
WED - WRITE AND ERASE DATA
WID - WRITE INVALID DATA
XIO - EXECUTE INVALID OP CODE
XOR - EXECUTE OPERATOR
XPR - EXECUTE PROGRAMMER
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FUCK

Perhaps one of most interesting and colorful words in the English
language is "fuck". It is a magical word, which by simple voice
inflection alone can be used to describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into a wide variety of grammatical categories.
It can used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive
(Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a
fuck) or a passive verb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and as a
noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is
fucking beautiful).
You are hereby challenged. Can you find a word even half as
versatile as the word "fuck". This incredible word can be used to
describe an unbelievably wide array of situations:

In addition to the common situations...

Copulation......Fuck
Sex.............FUCK ME! etc...

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

Then there are exceptional uses:

Greeting........How the fuck are you?
Fraud...........I got fucked by the car dealer.
Dismay..........Oh, fuck it!
Trouble.........Damn, guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression......Fuck you.
Disgust.........Fuck me.
Confusion.......What the fuck....?
Difficulty......I don't understand this fucking business.
Despair.........Fucked again.
Incompetence....He fucks up everything.
Displeasure.....What the fuck is going on here?
Lost............Where the fuck are we?
Disbelief.......Unfucking believable.
Retaliation.....Up your fucking ass.

Fuck can be used:

In an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking Asshole."
To tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
Politically -- "Fuck Bush".
In business -- "How the fuck did I get this fucking job?"

And never forget General Custer's last words:
"Where did all them fucking Indians come from?"

Or the mayor of Hiroshima:
"What the fuck was that?"

And last, but not least, the immortal words of the captain of the Titanic:
"Where is all that fucking water coming from?"

The mind boggles at the many creative used of the word. So remember,
be "literate" and "educated" walk up to a girl today, smile and say, "Yo,
bitch ... fuck?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAYGN by Peter A. Klein, Seattle, WA

After recent telecasts of the "Barbara Walters Special" and "Bedtime
For Bonzo," I dreamed of the following scenario:

IRRITATING FEMALE VOICE: Hewo, this is Baba Wawa at the White House. We
wiw be tawking with Pwesident and Mrs. Wonald Waygun, who will weveal
incwedible personal wevawations about their pehsonawities and pehsenol
wives.

COMMERCIAL for Investment Securities Firm

IRRITATING FEMALE VOICE: Mistaw Pwesident, is it twoo that an
entwepenuwial computah fihm has witten a new wangwidge named aftuh you?

REASSURING GRANDFATHERLY VOICE: Gee... I don't know. Nancy, what do you

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

think?

Here's what Baba Wawa was talking about, taken from John Divorceact's
column in INFOWHIRL.

BOREDLAND, INTERNATIONAL ANNOUNCES RAYGN--A OLD LANGUAGE IN NEW CLOTHES In
an attempt to crack more conservative markets, Boredland has introduced a
new computer language, RAYGN. RAYGN is an enhanced version of Orange
County BASIC, which is in turn a highly refined version of "Hoover Trojan
Horse BASIC" (though its authors vehemently deny this, we've seen the
code--ed.)
Like interpreted BASIC, RAYGN is comfortable, old and a little slow.
It is very good at simple graphics. It is often inaccurate. But somehow
RAYGN always manages to convince the user that it is his perception of the
problem (rather than RAYGN's answer) that is actually wrong. Ordinary
people like RAYGN because it is simple, direct, and reminds them of less
complicated times. RAYGN offers many extensions to BASIC. It features a
new logical function, MORAL, sometimes called "Falwell's Contextual
Boolean." MORAL(x) may evaluate to either TRUE or FALSE regardless of the
actual value of x. All that matters is whether x is on the left or right
side of an expression. A new function called KEISTER has been added, but
nobody is sure what it does. Fixed-point variables of types MILDOLLAR,
BILDOLLAR and TRILDOLLAR have also been added. These may only have
negative values (though positive values have been promised in time for the
next release). When using these variable types, a function called
COST$2MUCH may be employed. COST$2MUCH(x) always evaluates to TRUE,
unless the expression 4DEFENSE(x) is also true, in which case RAYGN will
double or triple the value of x.
RAYGN's authors believe that their style of programming and memory
resource allocation is the ONLY true way to program. Thus, RAYGN's
automatic housecleaning facilities are, shall we say, a bit aggressive.
It will eliminate any variables it believes are wasteful or unnecessary.
It may even do this while the variables are in use! It is then the
responsibility of the user to trim his program or give up on it.
According to RAYGN's developers, this encourages the writing of tight code
Further, if RAYGN discovers any other languages or software in its
directories, it will attempt to reorganize them according to its own
principles. Normally, this does not matter, because users of RAYGN are so
devoted that they wouldn't dream of using another language, anyway.
However, hard disk users should be careful to keep other software in
separate directories. This will often suffice, because RAYGN will
normally not interfere with programs in other directories unless they are
very small, employ annoyingly flashy graphics, or attempt to write to
RAYGN's directories. But certain software is incompatible with RAYGN and
may not exist on the same disk with it. RAYGN's authors are unalterably
opposed to programs that make use of bitwise left shift operators. If
RAYGN detects even the slightest use of left shift, it will attempt to
recode or destroy the offending program regardless of what directory it is
in. It does no good to have such files write-protected, because RAYGN
will then switch to direct hardware calls (known as "covert disk
operations").
RAYGN has some very limited "artificial intelligence" capabilities.
It can detect syntax errors and constructions inconsistent with its

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

developers' philosophy of programming, even before the RETURN key is
pressed. When such conditions occur, RAYGN will display the warning
message, "Go ahead, make my day!" When RAYGN encounters a problem it can't
solve, it will always default to routines in the library PRIVATSEC.TOR.
This library has been somewhat unstable of late, so results are
uncertain. RAYGN may be identified by the prompt string "Well...>" If the
right angle bracket fails to appear, RAYGN is "asleep" and not ready for
input. The user must press RETURN several times until the bracket
appears. RAYGN is highly compatible with a pointing device known as the
"PC Meese," which is also available from RAYGN's developers. It has been
noted that the language responds much quicker to the Meese than to input
from the keyboard, or any other device.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oxymorons

Higher Education Same Difference
Automatic Stickshift Environmental Protection
Reverse Thrust Reverse Drive
Lesbian nuns Criminal Lawyers
Secondary Degree Hot Water Heater
Airline Food Almost Safe
Amtrak Schedule Awful Nice
Bad Sex Black Light
Business Ethics Clearly Confused
Criminal Lawyer Debugged Program
Faulty Logic Federal Assistance
First Annual Freezer Burn
Fun Run Functionally Illiterate
Good Grief Government Worker
Happy Birthday Imitation Margarine
Jumbo Shrimp Justifiable Homicide
Last Initial Legal Brief
Mail Service Nearly Perfect
New Standard Plastic Silverware
Postal Service Practical Homeowner
President Bush Pretty Ugly
Rolling Stop Science Fiction
Senate Ethics Soft Rock
Sub Minimum Tax Reform
Television Entertainment Traffic Flow
User Friendly Vice Pres. Quayle
Wedded Bliss Work Party
Liberal, Kansas Greater Cleveland
New Jersey, the Garden State Safe, economical, nuclear power!
happily married Home Owner
Jumbo Shrimp Responsible journalism
Bad blow job Civil War
Plastic Silverware New Tradition
Good Grief Holy Shit
Grandchildren Lifelong Native
Planned Parenthood Cherry Tart
Rush hour Grape nuts
Honest Government Congressional Ethics
Athletic Scholarship Good pun

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Stuff

Good Driver Feminine Logic
Express Mail Traffic Flow
United Nations Exciting Golf action
Bug-Free Software from MICROSOFT Functioning IBM Equipment
Fish Farm Even Odds
Definite Maybe Constant Variable
Old News Taped Live
Open Secret Original Copies
Working Vacation Player Coach
Silent Scream Only Choice
Extensive Briefing Almost Perfect
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Didn't you hear? Easter has been cancelled. They found the body.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress

The confusion created when the mind overrides the body's basic desire
to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My name is Sgt. Friday.
I work on Tuesday.

Tuesday is my secretary.

One night we went to a party.
On our way there, we had a flat tire.
I jacked, she pumped;
I jacked, she pumped;

Then she got out of the car to fix the tire.

When we got to the party, we all felt merry.

Mary got mad and left.
We all jumped for Joy.
Joy got mad and left too.

Then a lady jumped out of the party cake.

We all had a piece

The cake wasn't that bad either.

Then I dropped my keys under the couch.
I felt, she felt;
I felt, she felt;

Then I looked under the couch for the keys.

Then I took her home and we sat on the porch.

Someone threw a rock and hit her on the tit.

Broke three of my fingers.

I was gonna kiss her goodnight but she
closed her legs and broke my glasses.

Then her dad came out and told me to beat it.

So I did then left.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hear about the man who ate his son... He didn't know his wife was
pregnant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the 75 year old accused of raping the 19 year old
girl. They had to dismiss the case, the "evidence" wouldn't stand up in
court.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
College is like making love to a virgin. You work really hard at it
and then 9 months later you wish you hadn't come.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

Have you heard about the sex game called RODEO?
You are making love to your wife / girlfriend and tell her that her
sister is tighter, and HANG ON! (8 seconds is the record so far!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you know that you could use a rubber twice... After the first
go-round, shake the fuck out of it and go again!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
IMPORTANT NOTICE
INCREASE TAX TO ALL MALE TAXPAYERS

Gentlemen:

The only thing this Great State has not taxed is your peter. Mostly
because 98% of the time it is out of work and 2% of the time it is in the
hole. Also because it has two dependents, who are both nuts.
However, beginning January 1, your peter will be taxed according to
its size.
Please check your personal category. Please include this information
on page two (2), section one (1), line zero (0), of your State Income Tax
Return.

10-12 inches Luxury Tax
8-9 inches Pole Tax
6-7 inches Privilege Tax
4-5 inches Nuisance Tax

Any measuring under 4 inches are eligible for a refund. Please do
not request an extension.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Yugoslavia were to invade Turkey from behind... Would Greece help?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Earthling,

Hi! I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself
into this piece of paper. Right now I am having sex with your fingers. I
know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass me on to someone
else because I'm really horny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - July 90

Clean Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A weary minister returned home and explained to his wife that he had
spent all day trying to convince people that it was the duty of the rich
to help the poor.
"Were you successful?" his wife asked.
"Half successful," he answered. "I convinced the poor."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this magician who did an act for vacationers. He had a
parrot that was always ruining his act by blurting out in the middle of a
trick, "AWK! The card is up his sleeve," or "AWK! He had the bird in his
pocket," or "AWK! He slipped it through a hole in the hat."
One day the ship sank, and the magician and parrot found themselves
together, floating along on a small raft in the middle of the ocean. For
three days the parrot just sat silently and stared at the magician.
Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot said, "AWK! Okay, I give up. What
did you do with the ship?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
While gazing at dinosaur fossils in New Mexico, a tourist asked a
guide how old the bones were. "These happen to be one hundred million and
three years old," said the guide.
"How can you be so exact?" asked the tourist.
"Oh, I just have a good memory," replied the guide. "An
archaeologist came here and told me these bones were a hundred million
years old, and that was exactly three years ago."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man and woman are sitting in an old age home and the man says to
the woman, "I'll betcha can't tell how old I am!" So the woman opens up
the man's zipper, feels around at the man's privates and announces, "83"!
The old guy is amazed and says "Hey, how did you know that?"
The old woman replies, "You told me yesterday."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man checked into the hospital suffering from herpes, hepatitis,
syphilis, and AIDS. The doctor in charge took one look at him and sent
for a specialist. When the specialist arrived, he said, "this is a tough
case, how are you treating it?"
"We have him on pizza and pancakes," said the doctor.
"That's unusual," replied the specialist, "how did you arrive at that
treatment?"
The doctor said, "those are the only things we can slide in under the
door."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just like clockwork, a doctor would leave his office to walk home at
4:00 P.M. every day. Exactly at 4:15 he would come upon his local bar,
in which he would have his favorite drink: a daiquiri with a cinnamon
stick. The bartender, being accustomed to the routine would have the
doctor's drink, freshly made, at the doctor's arrival.
One afternoon, though, to the bartenders dismay, there were no
cinnamon sticks to be found. In a panic he made the drink, inserting a
hickory stick instead. The doctor arrived at 4:15 as usual and proceeded
to drink his pleasure.
Suddenly he noticed that something was wrong. Looking at the
bartender he said, "Something wrong here. What is it?"
The bartender returned, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Clean Jokes

One day a very rich man, who was very close to his money, got
together with his closest friends who happened to be a Priest, a Doctor,
and a Lawyer. The rich man was very old and was thinking about his
approaching death. He told his three friends this, and asked them to do a
favor for him when he died.
"Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of
you. I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money. Please, when
I am buried, would each of you throw your envelopes into the grave on top
of my coffin?"
The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes. Soon afterwards
the rich man died.
At his funeral, the Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their
envelopes onto his coffin. As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest
said to the others, "I have a confession to make. The church needed a new
altar badly, so I ... I took $5000 to buy it." and afterwards looked
downward at his feet.
The Doctor, seeing the Priests discomfort said, "Well, since you've
admitted it, I too must confess that I took some money. The children's
hospital where I work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took
$30,000 to buy it."The Doctor and the Priest then turned to the lawyer,
expecting a similar confession.
Instead, he said "Oh no, I didn't take any of the money. I put a
check for the entire $100,000 in the envelope!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American become ship-wrecked on an
island inhabited by cannibals who, after eating their victims use their
skins to make canoes. As a last wish the men can decide by what means
they want to die so that their deaths will be honorable.
The Englishman says "Give me a revolver." He puts the gun to his head
and states "God save the Queen!" And blows his brains out; a very
honorable death.
The Frenchman says "Give me a sword." He places the tip of the sword
over his heart and shouts "Vive la France!" And thrusts it into his heart;
a very honorable death.
The American says "Give me a fork." And proceeds to stab himself
repeatedly while saying "Fuck your canoe!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a painter who was very stingy. At every opportunity
he would add turpentine to the paint, thinning it down as much as
possible, and thereby cutting his costs.
One day, he was hired to paint the steeple high atop the local
church. He thinned down the paint severely for this job.
"After all" he said to himself, "nobody can really see the steeple
from way down there on the ground." So he started painting with a solution
that barely covered the wood.
Just as he was finishing, the sky clouded over and a gale storm began
to blow. The rain and wind beat against the painter and the steeple, and
washed the paint off the steeple (it was hardly there to begin with). The
painter looked at the now-unpainted steeple, and cried out "What will I do
now?"
From the clouds, a deep voice replied "Re-paint, and thin no more!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hank went to the doctor greatly concerned about his wife. Something
was wrong with her, and he described the symptoms to the good doctor.

Humor Digest - August 90

Clean Jokes

The doctor said, "Hmmm, it sounds as if she either has Alzeheimers
disease, or AIDS."
Hank replied, "How can I tell which one she has?" What do I do?"
"Simple", said the good doctor. "Just drive her out in the country
15 miles away and put her out of the car. If she finds her way home, she
has AIDS.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a stockbroker's office and said to the
receptionist, "I just won some money in the lottery, and I want to open an
account with your %**!&%! company."
Heads turned in shock at hearing the man's language. "I'm sorry, but
we don't allow that kind of talk here," the receptionist said. "You'll
have to leave."
"I told you I want to open an account with this %**!&%! company."
the man insisted.
Suddenly the manager cam out. "What's all the swearing about?" he
asked.
"I just won $12 million and I want to open an account with your
%**!&%! company," the man replied.
"Oh, I see," said the manager. "And these %**!&%! people are giving
you a hard time?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A beautiful young child entered a bar one evening and approached a
man who was sitting and having a beer.
"I am an angel, sir," said the child, "and if you'll believe in me,
and give me twenty dollars, it will help to save the world."
The man gave the child a sour look and replied, "Get outa here kid.
I'm an atheist. I don't believe in angels, and even if I did, you're not
getting twenty bucks from me."
The child said, "Bless you anyway sir," and moved down the bar to
another customer.
He looked up at the man before him and said, "I am an angel of the
Lord. If you have faith in me and give me twenty dollars, it will help
save the world."
The man turned to the child saying, "I'm an agnostic, son. I really
can't honestly tell you that I believe in angels, or in you. But you look
like a decent sort. Here's a ten for your good works."
As the child was leaving the bar he was approached by another man who
told him, "My name is Jimmy Swaggert, and I don't give a shit about angels
or the fate of the world, but if you'll show me how you did that trick
with the agnostic, I'll give you FIFTY bucks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Delbert and Fletch, two industrial robots, escaped from the lab one
night. They decided to separate, pick up some dates and meet later.
A few hours passed and Delbert, date-less, arrived at the meeting
place. He found Fletch, standing in front of a mailbox and a fire alarm.
"Who are your two friends?" asked Delbert.
"Forget them," he said, "The short, fat one with the big mouth, just
stands there, and if you touch the redhead, she screams her lungs out."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two young hill-billies in love were necking on the porch swing. "Say
something soft and mushy, honey". begged Nettie.
"Sheeeiiittt", offered Ned.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Clean Jokes

An Apache scout was caught in a sudden storm. He spent the night
with an Old Navajo farmer and his daughter. On returning to his wigwam,
the Apache built a fire, picked up his blanket, and signaled, "I am
indebted for the gracious hospitality of you and your lovely daughter."
Before the Navajo could respond, atomic scientists set off an
experimental atomic blast in the desert. A mushroom cloud of smoke filled
the sky.
When it cleared, the Apache waved his blanket and frantically
signalled, "The bitch is lying! I never even touched the homely little
slut!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same
valley for several years. Despite their differences, their relationship
was one of amiable cooperation.
One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided
to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love.
God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, "I am very
pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated.
Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying
experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward
Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes."
Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected
on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain,
appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion
exactly twice the size of Joe's mansion appeared on top of the western
mountain.
Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe
that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and
3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and
provide him with 10 different cars. Agreeably, God filled the pantries of
both mansions. In the garage of Joe's mansion there appeared 10 different
cars. In the garage of Bob's mansion appeared 20 different cars.
Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, "Women... we need women!"
Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world's
sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe's
mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the
same time, standing in front of Bob's mansion were 100 women, each twice
as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe. Both men were very happy
and Bob danced around and exclaimed, "Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make
more wishes! Oh, Lordy...this is our lucky day!...Every time you make a
wish, I get twice as much...Wish, Man, Wish!"
Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, "Okay, for
my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tex and Slim, 2 modern day cowboys were sitting on a fence. Looking
down the road, Tex noticed old Chief Wahoo, riding his horse with his
faithful companion' Dawg' following close behind, was coming their way.
Tex turned to Slim and said, "Let's have some fun with the old
Chief. I'll use my ventriloquism to have a little fun."

As the Chief got near, the conversation started:

TEX: Hello, Chief! I've been discussing your relationship with your
horse. You know he really likes you!

Humor Digest - August 90

Clean Jokes

CHIEF: You crazy! Horses don't talk!
TEX: Sure they do! Listen, I'll show you! Hey, horse...what do you
think of the old Chief?
HORSE: (through Tex's ventriloquism):
He's really a nice guy! He feeds, waters and grooms me every day.
He rides me gentle and gives me an occasional apple for a treat.
Yep, all in all, the Chief's a really great guy!

Well, the Chief is absolutely amazed at this. Grabbing the moment,
Tex continues the prank:

TEX: Yeah, Chief. And your old Dawg really likes you, too!
CHIEF: You mean Dawg talk too! What him say!
DAWG: (through Tex's ventriloquism):
Chief, you're an alright guy! You feed, water and groom me every
day. You play with me, let me sleep at the foot of your bed, and
treat me real good. Yep, Chief, you're alright!

The Chief is totally astonished. He just can't believe his ears!
Tex and Slim are in near hysterics, so Tex decides to continue the
charade.

TEX: I'm surprised you never talked to them before. We were over by
your corral and even the sheep were talking about you!
CHIEF: SHEEP LIE!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judy loved cooking baked beans for her husband John. John, being a
very picking person, would taste them and say, "These aren't like Mom used
to make." This went on for months, while Judy tried different baked bean
recipes. All John could say was, "Not like Mom used to make."
Finally Judy got a brilliant idea. Why not ask Mom for her recipe?
She did. Mom gave the recipe to her and she cooked it right up. John
tasted it and said, "Not yet like Mom made."
Judy thought, that dirty rat, Mom gave me the wrong recipe to make me
look bad in front of John. So she looked at Mom's recipe card. It was
all dog-eared. Well used. Judy concluded that the recipe was probably
genuine after all. She went back and tried the recipe again. But John
again said, "Not like Mom used to make."
This continued for a long time. Judy finally decided that since John
complains about everything else, why not at Mom's recipe?
One day, while making the baked beans, there is an emergency with
their Jimmy at school. Judy rushes to the Emergency room. After many
hours Judy finally brings Jimmy home. After stepping one foot into the
door one sniff tells Judy that she had forgotten about the beans.
Judy starts to throw the beans down the sink when she thinks, "What
the heck do I care? Let that idiot John of mine just eat it anyway. He
won't know the difference."
So, John comes home tastes the baked beans and says, "Wow, just like
Mom used to make!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This frog is outgrowing his lily pad and decides he'd like to make
some home improvements. But he doesn't have the money, so he decides to
try and get a loan.
He goes to the bank and asks to borrow money. He takes a seat at

Humor Digest - August 90

Clean Jokes

loan officer Patricia Black's desk and explains his dilemma. "I want to
upgrade my lily pad, maybe add another wing, but I don't have the cash and
that's why I'm here. Can you lend me the money?"
"Maybe yes, maybe no ... what can you offer as collateral?"
"Collateral? What's that?"
"Well, collateral," explains Ms. Black, "is something of value you
put up against the possibility of default."
"Well," says the frog, "All I've got is this paperweight ... you
shake it up and it snows on the little village. Cute, huh?"
"Hmmm ... I don't know. I'll have to speak to my manager."
She enters her manager's office. "Mr. Bitterby, I've got a frog at
my desk who wants to borrow money for lily pad improvements. But all he
can offer for collateral is this glass paperweight."
Mr. Bitterby takes the paperweight, hefts it in his hand, looks
straight at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog
a loan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Hillbilly Farmer comes in to the lawyer's office, "I want a
DE-Vorce" he said.
"Do you have any grounds?" asks the lawyer.
"About 180 acres" the farmer says.
"No, no. You don't understand" says the lawyer. "Do you have a
grudge?"
"Yup, that's where I keep my tractor" explains the farmer.
The lawyer, becoming rather frustrated with the farmer, but keeping
his cools asks "Is she a nagger?"
"No" explains the farmer,"but the last child she had was, that's why
I want this DE- Vorce."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems George Bush had an accident while skiing. He was
unconscious and in a coma for 2 years. When he finally awoke he began to
panic.
"Nurse", he cried, "How is the state of the country?"
"Well," she replied," We are at peace, the economy is strong,
business is doing well, and unemployment is at an all time low!"
"That's a relief."said Bush. "I guess Dan Quayle proved all the
critics wrong while he was acting president. Say," he continued, "could
you send someone out to the store to get me a newspaper?"
"Sure", the nurse replied," That'll be 50 yen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man applying for work in a Florida lemon grove seemed rather well
bred for such a job. "Look, Mac," said the foreman, "have you actually
had experience picking lemons?"
"I certainly have," replied the applicant. "I've been divorced four
times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Judge Hawkins's retirement neared, he got feistier, and one day he
let a drunk really have it. The defendant's license had been revoked
years earlier, but he was still regularly hauled in on DWI charges.
"Just why is it", boomed the judge from the bench, "that in the last
12 years you have appeared in my courtroom so many times"?"
"Hell, judge," offered the drunk with a sloppy grin, "it's not my
fault you can't get promoted."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Clean Jokes

"Hello there", said the vacuum cleaner salesman to the little girl
who answered the door. "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? Watch
this!" Pushing his way into the house, the salesman proceeded to dump a
pile of lint and coffee grounds out onto the shag carpet.
"If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up," he boasted with a
big smile, "why.. .I'll eat it right up."
At this, the little girl turned and left the room.
"Where you going, kid?", called the salesman. "To find your mom?"
"Nope," answered the little girl from the doorway, "I'm getting a
plate and a spoon... 'cause we don't have any electricity!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman was sitting on the bus cooing her baby when a drunk
staggered aboard and down the aisle. Stopping in front of her, he looked
down and pronounced, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen."
The woman burst into tears and there was such an outcry of sympathy
among the other passengers that they kicked the drunk off. But the woman
kept on sobbing and wailing so loudly that finally the driver pulled the
bus over to the side of the road.
"Look, I don't know what the bum said to you,"the driver told his
inconsolable passenger, "but to help calm you down I'm going to get you a
cup of tea." And off he went, coming back shortly with a cup of tea from
the corner deli.
"Now calm down, Lady," soothed the driver, "everything is going to be
ok. See, I brought you a cup of nice, hot tea... and I even got a banana
for your pet monkey!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady goes into a grocery store to buy some of those things that
ladies use on a monthly basis. As fate would have it she picked up a box
without a price on it (this is a pre UPC code joke).
When the cashier went to ring it up he noticed there was not a
price. As grocery cashiers are so inclined to do, he grabbed the P.A.
microphone and said, "Need a price on TAMPAX!" A stock boy who heard the
garbled message thought the cashier said 'Some tacks' and promptly
hollered back, "The kind you hammer in or the kind you push in with your
finger?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. and Mrs. Griswold had a young son whom they named Spoilage.
And a fine one it was! Except for one problem, Spoilage was addicted to
Hostess King Dons. He ate them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
By the time Spoilage was ready to enter Kindergarten, it was clear
that he was well behind his peers in the area of intelligence. He could
not count or read. He could not understand simple commands, such as
"Please change the TV to Channel 48!" All that Spoilage could do was sit
in the corner and drool while devouring a Hostess King Don.
The Griswolds took Spoilage to Dr. Grover to ask what had caused
their son to be such a total waste. The doctor replied, "It must be all
of those King Dons that he eats." So the Griswolds sued the Hostess people
for $10 million in damages.
On the opening day of the trial, the attorney for Hostess asked the
judge to dismiss the case on the grounds that the Griswolds had been
warned by the product's label and thus Hostess could not be held liable.
The Griswolds' attorney responded, "That's ridiculous! There's no
warning label on boxes of King Dons!"
The Hostess attorney replied, "Oh yes there is! It's right here

Humor Digest - August 90

Clean Jokes

where the ingredients are listed, 'Contains sorbic acid to retard
Spoilage.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the Hoyah Park Nursing Home three old men are sitting in rockers
on the front lawn.
The first old gentleman turns to his companions and announces, "Ya
know, I sure wish I could take a decent piss once in a while."
To which, the second gentleman replies, "Oh, I got no problem with
that, I just wish I could take a healthy shit now and again."
The third gentleman chuckles and says, "I got you both beat. Every
morning around Seven A.M. on the button, I take a healthy piss. Then,
later on, around Eight A.M. on the button, I take a healthy shit."
As the others began to get annoyed looking faces, the third gentleman
continued; "My only problem is that I just wish I could wake up before
noon!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Ethnic Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns. One Texan
said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas. There are only
ten Catholics there."
His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston. There are
only five Catholics there."
Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should go to hell!
There aren't any Catholics there!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men, a Russian, an American, and a Pollack were challenged to
cross a desert, however, they could only bring one thing with them.
The American asked the Russian what he brought. The Russian pulled
out an orange. He said, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the juices, or if
I'm hungry I can eat it."
The Russian asked what the American brought. The American pulled out
a watermelon. He said, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the juices, or if
I'm hungry I can eat it."
The two men them asked the Pollack what he brought. The Pollack
pulled out a car door. He said, "Well, if I get hot, I can roll down the
window and catch a breeze."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for
a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father,
Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had
said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin. He'd been going
with Judy for a few months, when he decided to test her. As they drove
along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her, and said,"Do you
want to see my "wee-wee"?
She yelled, "No! No! Please zip up your fly."
Instead of being annoyed, Tom was pleased.
On the evening of their engagement to be married, he tried the same
thing, with the same result. Finally, on their wedding, they were alone
in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly and said to her,"Darling, now
you can look at what I've got here,"and proceeded to take it out.
She looked at it and replied,"Oh,what a sweet looking wee-wee!"
Tom said,"No darling, you don't have to call it a wee-wee now; you
can call it a cock."
She looked at it for a while and then said, "No, Tom, that's a
wee-wee. A cock is long and thick and black."

Humor Digest - August 90

Ethnic Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An oriental fellow goes to the optometrist and the doctor gives him
an exam and returns with the bad news.
Doctor: "Well Mr. Hung, I am sorry to say but you have a cataract."
Mr. Hung: "Oh docto, you mus be mistaken. I no have no catarac...
I have a rinkon continental."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old King was dying, but before he went, he wanted to do something
nice for his three sons. So he told his sons, "I will grant you any gift
you desire."
The first son said, "I've always wanted to fly", so the king went out
and bought him American Airlines.
The second son said, "I've always wanted to be in the movies", so the
King went out and bought him Paramount Pictures.
The third son said, "I've always wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit", so
the King went out and bought him the U.S. Postal Service.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller doll... you wind it up and
it walks into walls!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Gross Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sit licking their fingers after
dinner.
Says the first cannibal: "Your wife makes a wonderful roast!"
Replies the second: "Thanks, I'll miss her."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The famous stage magician had a thundering climax to his act. He
would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the
amazement and delight of the audience.
One evening he had just begun the wow finish of the act when he
stopped dead in his tracks.
"Go ahead," murmured the stage manager. "Eat the shit. Eat it!"
"Can't do it," said the magician. "There's a hair in it!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Other Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar and ordered a 74 drink. The bartender thought
to himself, I can take this guy so he gave him a 1978 whiskey. The guy
drinks it and spit it out yelled "This is a 1978, I said I wanted a
1974!".
The bartender then brought out a 1976 Whiskey. The man guzzled it
down and spit it out again and said, "This is a 1976, I wanted a 1974!" So
finally, the bartender gave him a 1974 Whiskey and the guy was satisfied.
Later, another dude came over to the guy and gave him a drink, the
guy guzzled it down and spit it out and said, "This is piss!"
And the dude said, "Yeah, can you tell me how old I am?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Indian Chief and his son were riding along the trail. The son
says, "My father, how I get my name?"
Chief says, "My son, when your first sister born, mid-wife squaw
throw me out of tee-pee. I ride through meadow. I look in sky. I see
dove flying across meadow. So I name your number one sister 'Flying
Dove.' When your second sister born, I get thrown out of tee-pee again. I
ride through forest. I see deer running through trees. So I name your
number two sister 'Running Deer'.
Why you ask me this question, Two Dogs Fucking?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This lady walks into an ice cream parlor, and walks up to the man
behind the counter, and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please!"
"I'm sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream," he replies.
"Ok," She says," I'll just have chocolate ice cream."
"No, ma'am, we're all out of chocolate.", he says.
"Well," says the lady, "then I'll have chocolate ice cream."
The man looks at the lady, and says, "Spell 'van' as in 'vanilla'."
The lady says, "V-A-N"
"Good," the man says, "Now spell 'straw' as in 'strawberry'."
"S-T-R-A-W," she says.
"Great, now spell 'fuck' as in 'chocolate'."
"There is no 'fuck' in chocolate!," she says.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This little boy likes the girl who sits in front of him in Sunday
School, and as the teacher is asking the class questions, like all little
boys, he showes his affection by bothering her.
The teacher asks the first question "Who created the earth?"
The boy took his pencil and poked the girl in the back, and she cries
out "God!".
Then the teacher asks: "Who is God's son?"
The boy pokes her again, and she yells "JESUS CHRIST!".
Then she asks another question: "What is the first thing Eve said to
Adam?"
The boy stabs her with the pencil in the butt, and the girl yells "If
you don't stop shoving that thing up my ass, I'm gonna break it off!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sergeant called for a volunteer to deliver the mail. A man in
the back of the platoon stands up and hollers out "I'm not afraid to
deliver the mail!"
"You'll have to go through the desert..."
"I'm not afraid to go through the desert!"

Humor Digest - August 90

Other Jokes

"You'll have to go across the mountains..."
"I'm not afraid to go across the mountains!"
"You'll have to go through the jungle..."
"I'm not afraid to go through the jungle!"
"What about the lion in the jungle?"
"Aw, fuck the lion! And his mother too!"
"You'd fuck the lion's mother?!?"
"You bet I would!"
"Then you're a lion-mother fucker!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Sexual Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy comes home from work and says to his wife, "I want to fuck."
She replies, "Don't say it like that like. Let's have a code.
Whenever you want to do that say you'd like to use the washing machine,
and I'll know what you mean."
The next night the guy comes home from work, has dinner and says,"I
want to use the washing machine."
She replies, "Not tonight, I have a headache."
The next night he comes home, has dinner and says,"I want to use the
washing machine."
She says,"Not tonight, I'm too tired." This goes on for some time.
One night the guy comes home, has dinner and goes straight to bed.
The next morning the wife asks,"Didn't you want to use the washing
machine last night?"
He replies,"No, it was a light load, I did it by hand."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race.
Newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored to win the
race.
Reporter: "Pierre, you were favored to win today's Venice Canal race
by a 1/4 mile, this wasn't even supposed to challenge you. Why then did
you finish dead last, your fans are shocked."
Pierre: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy,
knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first
bridge, Suzzette was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking
very sexy. She was calling to me, saying, "Pierre, I am yours when you
finish the race." This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting
uncomfortable."
"The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rose was standing on
the bridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts,
saying, "these are for you when you finish the race, Pierre." I was now
dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam
on."
"The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was standing on.
She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, "I am yours when you
finish the race Pierre, I want you so bad. " This was it, I was now stuck
in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, I was so sad to let down my
fans. I didn't know what to do."
Reporter: "But Pierre, why didn't you try the backstroke?"
Pierre: "Ah, but what about the bridges?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three cheerleaders were waiting outside the men's locker room after
the basketball game for their boyfriends to come out. The door was
partially open so they could see people walking by from the waist down.
As one player walked by, the first cheerleader said, " that's not my
boyfriend." The second cheerleader said, "that's not my boyfriend,
either." The third cheerleader said, "he doesn't even go to this school."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men were sitting in the doctor's office waiting to be seen and
one turns to the other and asks, "why are you seeing the doctor?" He
replies, "because I have a red ring around my dick." The first man then
says, "what a coincidence, I have a green ring around mine." The doctor
calls the name of the man with the red ring, and he leaves to be
examined. Ten minutes later, he comes out and the other man asks him how

Humor Digest - August 90

Sexual Jokes

much the doctor charged him. "twenty dollars," he replies. The doctor
then calls in the second man, and when he is finished, he tells him that
the bill will be $50. "$50," he exclaimed, "but you only charged the man
with the red ring $20." There is a lot of difference between lipstick and
gangrene," the doctor says.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes into a bar with his dog and sits at the bar and says
"I'll have a gin and tonic." And his dog, Fido, pipes up and says, "I'll
have a lite beer." Well, the bartender turns to the guy and says "Listen,
if you're gonna have your dog sit at the bar, get outta here and take him
across the street to Sam's -- he'll serve anybody."
The guy gets a little upset and says, "But, Fido's a talking dog --
You can serve him!" "Listen", says the bartender, "if you're gonna pull
the old 'talking-dog/ventriloquist' trick, take it across the street."
"Well", the guy says, "listen, I'll prove it to ya. I'll go
downstairs to the bathroom, and while I'm gone, ask my dog what he wants."
So the guy heads to the john and when he's gone the bartender turns to the
dog and says, "Ok, Fido, what do you want?" And the dog answers, "I said,
I'll have a lite beer!"
The bartender is flabbergasted and says, "Wow, I didn't realize --
tell ya what, here's $10. Go across to Sam's, sit at the bar, ask him for
a lite beer, and spit it out and say you like our's better." So the dog
takes the money and heads out across the street.
The guy comes back from the bathroom and exclaims, "Hey, where's my
dog?!?". "Relax", says the bartender, "I gave him $10 and sent him over
to Sam's as a practical joke." "I don't know if you should have done
that", says the guy and he heads out of the bar. As he's crossing the
street, he see the dog screwing a nice looking female. Taken aback, the
owner says, "Fido, I've never seen you do that before!"
And Fido answers, "Hey -- I've never had $10 before!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was
suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male
passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the
breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking
lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about this guy who was eating a whore's pussy when he
found a grain of corn in his mouth? Well, he was too hot and bothered to
let that distract him until he came up with an English pea in his mouth.
This caused him to raise up and ask the whore, "Damn girl, have you been
sick?" She snickered and said,"No, but the guy before you was."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is driving down a country road, enjoying fabulous scenery, when
what does he see out in the fields??? An old farmer fucking sheep. The
man in the car is OUTRAGED, naturally. He looks for the first house, so
he can ask to use the phone. He comes to a screeching halt in front of
the first house he gets to and asks a little kid, who is sitting on a
fence, "Hey kid! Can I use your phone? I just saw a man out in the field
there doing terrible things, and I need to call the police and get this
pervert thrown in jail.

The kid says: "Tha-a-at's my da-a-a-a-a-d!"

Humor Digest - August 90

Sexual Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dude named Henry really hates fags. Anyway, he moves into a new
neighborhood and decides to go check out the bars. As he strolls along,
he keeps seeing signs with "We serve gays" written on them. He's really
pissed off by them, but decides to keep searching. Eventually, his hard
work pays off and he comes to bar that doesn't say anything about serving
gays. So, he goes inside and takes a seat at the main counter. While the
bartender is pouring Henry a nice, cool Bud Light, Henry says, "I'm sure
glad that this bar doesn't have any of those d*mn signs saying that ya
serve gays!" The bartender replies, "Oh, but we do. It's right over there
on the floor..." Henry gets off of the stool and bends over to look at
it. It reads: "Brace Yourself!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy, we will call him Bob, was at a party with some friends. A
very good looking woman came up and sat down next to him. She said,"Bob,
It's been a long time!!". He kinda just looked at her and said,"So who
are you?".
"Don't you remember, you know high school, we used to play football
together." "No,I really can't remember." "I was in auto shop with you"
"Paul, but.." "I had a sex change" "I would have never guessed that you
would have something like that done to yourself. Why did you do it?"
"Well all my life I felt as though I was a woman trapped inside of a man,
so here I am!" "Wow, I can't believe it! Did it hurt much?" "No, not
really", she said "You mean that it didn't hurt when they cut your, you
know, ... your thing off", he asked "Nope, I was under anesthesia, I
didn't feel a thing" "Not a thing huh. Well, I know that it hurt when
they carved out your pussy, that had to hurt!" "No, didn't hurt a bit.
That gas works great, didn't hurt at all" "O.K., it had to hurt when they
made your tits, I heard that that really hurts bad!" "No , not at all. I
didn't feel a thing", she replied. Just as he was about to move on to a
different subject, she broke in and said,"You know what really hurt? When
they sucked out half my brains!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady walks into hardware store, and gets some hinges. As she pays
for them, the clerk asks her, "hey, do you want a screw for those hinges?"
The lady replies, "No thanks, but I'll blow you for that toaster up
there!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems this guy was on a honeymoon with his second wife, when the
subject of his previous marriage came up.
His lady was curious as to why the first marriage hadn't worked out.
"Well, I enjoyed having sex more often than my wife did, so it put a
real strain on the relationship. It just wasn't working out."
"Aren't you concerned that the same thing might happen again" his
wife asked.
"Well, I think I have that worked out" he replied. "If you want to
have sex when we go to bed, reach over and pull on it once. If you don't
want to have sex, reach over and pull on it 65 times..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old woman returned home one evening after playing bingo and found
her husband in bed with the young cleaning girl. The startled old man
jumped up and his enraged wife pushed him so hard he went right out of
their tenth story window. At her trial, The judge asked the old lady why
she had done this to her poor old husband. She said... "Well, I figured

Humor Digest - August 90

Sexual Jokes

if he could fuck at 85, I was sure he could also fly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Cajun boy came back from his honeymoon. His dad asked him:
"Son, how was it?" He says "Well, Daddy, I had to kick her out." His dad
asked "Why son?" The son says "Daddy, she said she was a virgin. So, if
she wasn't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two farm boys are just sitting daydreaming when a cow strolls by.
'Man,' says the first boy, 'If that only was a woman.'
'Man,' says the second, 'If only it was dark!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man sitting at a bar leaned over to the woman seated next to him
and said "Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?" "Absolutely not!!" exclaimed
the shocked woman. "Oh," replied the man "then that must be your feet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This here Texan was out on a cattle drive for better then three
months, nothing but other cowboys around. He gets back into San Antonio
and the first thing he does is runs to the nearest cat house. He walks up
to the desk and says "I need me a tough broad". The madame says
"Why?","I've been out on a cattle drive for 3 months with nothin' to fuck
except cows'n cactus". I see says the fat bitch at the counter. Go up to
room 209, "THAT'S A TOUGH BROAD!".
On the way up, the old bushwacker stops and picks up a couple of
bottles of beer. He gets up to the room and there is this UGLY, stringy
haired old whore, with flies buzzing out of her snatch. First things
first the cowboy thinks, "Are you a tough broad?", "Fuckin' right" the
whore says, "I'm the toughest broad in all San Antonio, fuck that.. I'm
the toughest broad in all Texas!!". "Good, cuz I need me a TOUGH BROAD."
With that, the old whore stands up and bends over, pointing her brown
spot directly at him. "You may be a TOUGH BROAD, but I don't wanna fuck
ya up the ass!"
"SCREW YOU ASSHOLE, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO OPEN YER FUCKIN' BEER!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once there was a man walking down a street, and he saw a sign that
said, "Whore House." So he went in.... There were two more doors, one
said, "Over six inches," and, "Under Six." He was truthful and went
through the, "Under Six Inches," Door. He then saw two more doors, one
said, "Under 30 years old," and the other said, "Over 30." He was again
truthful and took the, "Over 30 Years Old," door. Then there were three
more doors, one said, "Once a night," another said, "2 or more times a
night," and, "Never." He was yet again Painfully truthful, and took,
"Never." He then found himself back in the street again.

The Moral: "If You Tell The Truth, You'll Never Get Screwed."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's three little babies sitting around talking. The first baby
says "I can remember sucking at my moms breast" The second baby says
"Well, I can remember being in my moms womb" And the third baby says
"That's nothing! I can remember the senior prom!!, I went with my Dad and
came home with my Mom."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady walks into a store, walks up to a stockboy and asks where are
the batteries.
Since she walked right by them, the boy thinks she is stupid, so he

Humor Digest - August 90

Sexual Jokes

walks towards the batteries, turns and motions with his finger (curling it
like he is calling a child or dog to come to him), and says "Lady, come
this way..."
The lady says, "Young Man, if I could come that way, I wouldn't need
batteries!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three truck drivers die and meet St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first truck driver "Did you ever break the law?" The
truck driver responds "Sure." St. Peter then asks him "Did you ever
exceed the speed limit?" The driver responds "All the time." Then St.
Peter asks him "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", to which the truck
driver heartily responded "Every chance I got." St. Peter then told the
first truck driver to select door number 3 of the three available doors.
Then St. Peter asks the second truck driver "Did you ever bread the
law?", and the truck driver responds "Sometimes." "Did you ever exceed the
speed limit?", "Every now and then." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?",
"A couple of times." St. Peter told truck driver number 2 to also enter
door number 3.
St. Peter now asks truck driver number 3 the same questions. "Did
you ever break the law?", to which the truck driver says "No." He then
asks "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?", and again the driver responds
"No". St. Peter then asks "Did you ever cheat on your wife?". The truck
driver thought a couple of seconds and said "Well, once. You see, I was
in this bar in Kentucky. I noticed they only had one woman in it for all
of the men. I asked the bartender why this was and he said 'Well, she's
all we need. She can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose.', so
that's when I cheated on my wife". St. Peter then told the truck driver
to enter door number 1. The truck driver, in amazement, then asks
"What?? You sent the others to door number 3??" St. Peter calmly
replies, "Yes, and they are going to hell. You and I are going to
Kentucky...."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man from the city decided to buy himself a pig, so he took a drive
in the country until he came across a sign reading "Pigs for sale."
Turning into the driveway, he parked next to an old farmer standing by a
pen full of pigs and explained what he wanted. Agreeing to a price of a
dollar a pound, he picked out his pig, whereupon the old man picked up the
pig by the tail with his teeth, "Ayuh," he pronounced, setting the
squealing pig down, "That there pig weighs 69 pounds."
Noting his customers astonishment, the farmer explained that the
ability to weigh pigs in this manner was a family trait passed down
through the generations. Skeptical, and not wanting to be taken for a
city slicker, the man insisted on a 2nd opinion. So the old farmer called
his son over from the barn, and the boy in the same fashion pronounced the
pig to weigh 69 pounds.
Convinced, the man pulled out his wallet, but the farmer asked him to
go up to the farmhouse and pay his wife, who would give him a receipt.
The man was gone for a long time, and when he finally returned to the
pigpen, it was without a receipt. "What's the problem, son?" asked the
farmer.
"I went up there just like you said," recounted the man from the
city, "but your wife was too busy to give me a receipt."
"Too busy doing what?" wondered the farmer.
"Well, sir, I'm not exactly sure," stammered the man, "but I think

Humor Digest - August 90

Sexual Jokes

she's weighing the mailman..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Clean Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a guy who misses ten car payments?

A: A pedestrian.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell if you're overweight?

A: If you step on you're dog's tail and it dies!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know what you get if you take all the oil Exxon produced in 1989
and lay it out in a strip a mile wide?

A: The current world situation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?

A: The hematologist pricks your finger.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's The Difference Between a Woman With P.M.S. and A Rabid Dog ?

A: Lipstick...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you all here the one about a guy whose wife left him for a tractor
salesman?

A: She gave him a John Deere letter!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?

A: Stays up all night wondering whether there is a dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?

A: The first row at a Willy Nelson concert!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Ethnic Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a liberal who's been mugged?

A: A conservative!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?

A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?

A: Will the defendant please rise!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does the U.S. Postal Service and Kinney's Shoes have in common?

A: They both have 50,000 black loafers!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the description of frenzy?

A: Blind lesbians in a fish market.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get from California to Texas?

A: Your travel East until you smell it then travel South until you step in
it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do 3 Mexicans cross the Rio Grand?

A: One swims and the other 2 cross on the scum.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

A: Reading the waffle iron.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are Helen Keller's fingers purple?

A: She heard it though the grapevine...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?

A: She screamed her hands off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are women like dog shit?

A: The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Gross Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get a kleenex to dance?

A: Blow a little boogie into it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why can't you trust a women?

A: Anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die you can't trust!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's grosser than gross?

A: Getting to the bottom of a mayonnaise jar and finding a rubber.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of a Cigar?

A: A breath freshener for people who eat shit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Other Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?

A: Depth perception!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the height of conceit?

A: Screaming your name during an orgasm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know why the Easter Bunny hides eggs?

A: So people won't know he's fucking chickens!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Sexual Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't you see sheep running in Africa?
A: Elephants use them as tampons.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Sheep come with no strings attached.

Q: What is the most prevalent female elephant disease?
A: Toxic sheep syndrome.

Q: What have you learned from the previous three jokes?
A: Don't buy red sweaters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get a faggot out of a tree?

A: Pull out your dick and yell "Suppertime!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do gays hate movies about AIDS?

A: They always get it in the end.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do gays decide which condom to buy?

A: They put one over a candle, then sit on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is a 25 year old faggot like a 90 year old heterosexual?

A: For each one, sex is behind him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you tell the gay Arabs?

A: They're dancing sheik to sheik.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do faggots love a hamburger?

A: Because it's hot meat between two buns.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do gays like Thanksgiving?

A: They can go out and look for a gobbler.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was the gay sergeant court-martialed?

A: They caught him playing with his privates.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you tell if a guy is gay?

A: He has crabs in his eyebrows.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell if a guy is gay?

A: If you ask him if he wants something to drink he gets down on his
knees.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Sexual Question & Answer Jokes

Q: What do most gays get for Christmas these days?

A: Buried.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you tell a straight person from a gay person?

A: A straight person likes to eat out. A fag likes to brown bag it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Poems

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mag the hag You dirty old bag
You sleazy slimy slut
Green matter grows between your toes
And worms crawl out your butt.

Before I'd climb your scaly legs
and suck your festered tits I'd
rather drink three quarts of buzzard piss
and die of the driselling shits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first time

The sun was low,
the moon was high.
We were alone, just her and I.

Her face was pretty,
her eyes were blue.
and i knew just what she wanted to do

So with courage,
I tried my best.
By placing my hand upon her breast.

Her body was slender,
her legs were fine.
As I slowly ran my fingers down her spine.

I trembled at,
the beat of her heart.
As she slowly spread her legs apart.

I knew she was ready,
I didn't know how.
For this was my first experience of milking a cow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Clean Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR TECHNICIANS

1) Beware the lightning that lurketh in the un-discharged capacitor, lest
it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like
manner.
2) Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be
opened and thusly tagged, that thy day in this earthly vale of tears
may be long.
3) Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou
worketh are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift thee to radio
frequency potential and cause thee to make like a radiator, too.
4) Tarry not amongst those fools that engageth in intentional shocks, for
they are surely non-believers and are not long for this world.
5) Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takes the
measure of a high voltage circuit lest thou incinerate both thyself
and thy meter, for verily, though thou hast no account number and can
be easily surveyed, thy test meter doth have one and, as a
consequence, bringeth much woe unto the supply department.
6) Take care thou tampereth not with safety devices and interlocks, for
this incureth the wrath of the supervisor and bringeth the fury of the
safety inspector upon thy head and shoulders.
7) Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow
workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other
ways.
8) Service thou not equipment alone, for electrical cooking is a slothful
process and thou might sizzle in thine own fat for hour upon a hot
circuit before thy Maker sees fit to end thy misery.
9) Trifle thou not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug and thy wife have no
further use for thee except thy wages.
10) Thou shall not make unauthorized modifications to equipment, but
causeth thou to be recorded all field changes and authorized
modifications made by thee lest thy successor tear his hair out and go
slowly mad in his attempt to decide what manner of creature hath made
a nest in the wiring of such equipment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PROVERBS

1) "As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an
expression that isn't.
2) But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station.
3) I don't think they could put him on a mental hospital. On the other
hand, if he were already in, I don't think they would let him out.
4) Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won't always hear
"on the other hand..."
5) The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
is an emerging underachiever!
6) $100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth
nothing.
(a) Completion of any task within the allocated time and budget does not
bring credit upon the performance personnel-- it merely proves that

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Clean Stuff

the task was easier than expected.
(b) Failure to complete any task within the allocated time and budget
proves that the task was more difficult than expected and requires
promotion for those in charge.
7) Cost consciousness and sophisticated design are basically
incompatible.
8) The less management demands of engineers and scientists, the greater
their productivity.
9) TRC eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH
10) 7:30, Channel 7: Bewitched. Tabatha gets carsick and turns Darin into
a plastic bag.
8:00, The Bionic Dog. The Bionic Dog gets a horrible short-circuit
and violates the Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
9:00, Channel 5; I Dream of Jeannie. Jeannie and Major Nelson
discover new things to do with Jeannie's bottle.
11) A "critic" is a person who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified
to judge the work of creative people. There is logic in this; he is
unbiased-- he hates all creative people equally.
12) A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place on a scientific
game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
14) A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on
the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled onto
the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from
friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and
the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena.
15) A bathroom hook will be loaded to capacity immediately upon becoming
available. This also applies to freeways, closets, playgrounds,
downtown hotels, taxis, parking lots, wallets, purses, pockets, and so
on. The list is endless.
16) A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.
17) A camel is a horse planned by committee.
18) A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very
often.
19) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer than expected; a
carefully planned project will only take twice as long.
20) A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms.
21) A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
22) A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can
do in an hour.
23) A company is known by the people it keeps.
24) A compromise is the art of dividing the cake in such a way that each
one thinks he is getting the biggest piece.
25) A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
26) A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
lantern.
27) A cynic is man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a
coffin.
28) A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
29) A fake fortune teller can be tolerated, but an authentic soothsayer

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Clean Stuff

should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking
around that she deserved.
30) A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
31) A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing
women all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral.
32) A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts
forever.
33) A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her
confidence.
34) A king's castle is his home.
35) A lie in time saves nine.
36) A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the
wrong time.
37) A little ignorance can go a long way.
38) A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more
than he can chew.
39) A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist." "However," replied the
universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
40) A man should be greater than some of his parts.
41) A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is
never sure.
42) A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
43) A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about what they
should be doing.
44) A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the
writer.
45) A motion to adjourn is always in order.
46) A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners.
47) A nickname is the heaviest stone the devil can throw at a man.
48) A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
49) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
50) A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
51) A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
52) A phenomenon known to anyone who has ever lit fires: You can throw a
burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire while
you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday
paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your
fireplace.
53) A piece of electronic equipment is housed is a beautifully designed
cabinet, and at the side or on top is a little box containing the
components which the designer forgot to make room for.
54) A pipe give a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in
his mouth.
55) A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
56) A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
57) A politician will always tip off his true belief by stating the
opposite at the beginning of the sentence. For maximum comprehension,
so not start listening until the first clause is concluded. Begin
instead at the word "but" which begins the second, or active, clause.
This is the way to tell a liberal from a conservative--before they
tell you. Thus: "I have always believed in a strong national defense,
second to none, but..." (a liberal, about to propose a $20 billion
defense cut).
58) A pretty woman is a welcome guest.

Humor Digest - August 90

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59) A professor's enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies
inversely with his likelihood of having to do it.
60) A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
61) A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses.
62) A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself,
lets you forget it.
63) A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the telescope to look
through.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last year I got my wife a gift that left her speechless. In fact,
she didn't speak to me for three weeks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sign on a well-established laundry and dry-cleaning store:
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stealth bomber technology is trickling down to the average person.
Soon you'll be able to buy a car that can come home late, undetected.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
We just moved into a new house, and I have a big problem. I can't
find the box marked "Kids".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An adult is someone who has stopped growing at the ends but not in
the middle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a kid in college who thinks he's being independent when he
buys his own 25-cent stamp so he can write home for money.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm beginning to think my kids are getting a little too comfortable
with today's electronic gadgets. Yesterday my son tried to use the remote
control from the VCR to change my mind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm proud of how many kids I've managed to put through college. We
have my dentist's kids, my doctor's kids, and of course my lawyer's kids.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know what to think. I taught my kid everything I know and he
still acts stupid.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't drink and drive. And with all the oil spills that have
occurred lately, don't swim and smoke.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My favorite football team got off to a bad start, and it never got
any better. When the players finally won their first game and carried the
coach off the field, they fumbled him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was a 97-pound weakling, and bullies would always kick sand in my
face. Eventually I decided to get even. I kicked sand in the face of an
87-pound weakling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that the Vice President got some good news and some bad
news the other day? Seems a national magazine rated his overall
performance in office and he got all C's and D's... The good news is that
that's better than he ever did in college!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that the off-broadway production of Annie II folded?

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Clean Stuff

Seems it got so bad, they had to eat the dog!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems they're making a movie about Jim and Tammy Baker... Bernadette
Peters is going to play the lovely Tammy Fae. The movie is scheduled to
start filming two months from now, so that means that Bernadette will
start going into makeup next week!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
And then there were the two missionaries, sitting in the pot of hot
water - one despairing, "We didn't even reach them, and all our work" but
the other said, "No, we did some good - look, they are saying Grace"!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just bought myself some second-hand paint... came in the shape of
a house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My dear departed uncle was a circus clown before he died... I
remember all his friends came to the funeral in one car.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a new painkiller for masochists that has been developed by a
major pharmaceutical company. It promises to bring SLOW relief.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the Lepers Mother passed away, he just seemed to fall apart...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course Polish International Airlines is famous for their Warsaw to
New York route. They make five stops. Two for fuel and three to ask
directions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donald Trump reports that he actually has a dime for every time he's
been called a ruthless bloodsucking bastard.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Other Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lighters?

Not long ago, there was a tragic accident. A little boy was playing
with a cigarette lighter, and touched off a fire which as it destroyed the
home claimed the lives of his brother and sister. He had evidently found
it concealed in his mother's purse, near her hidden supply of cigarettes,
commonly found near lighters and matches.
This is a direct result of the lax attitude taken by our state and
federal government toward the safety of the public. The practically
unrestricted commerce in matches and even the compact, easily concealed
high-capacity "semi-automated" (as the President puts it) butane lighters,
has been statistically proven responsible for thousands upon thousands of
deaths yearly. In fact, such lighters are preferred by most arsonists!
Sit outside your local "smoke shop" and look at the sort of people
who go inside. These are the addicts, and the anarchists, who feel some
perverse need to posses matches or lighters. Some will claim that they
need the matches to light stoves; yet the professionals who handle fire
for a living regularly point to a lack of training on the part of these
"individualists" who would take cooking into their own hands ("There's
never a burger stand around when you need one," they argue)!
No figures are available, but it is common knowledge among law
enforcement that lighters are taken from the vast majority of criminals at
time of arrest, as proven by police reports! And even in prison, lighters
are commonly available, smuggled in from outside or even supplied by
guards and wardens! We took our hidden cameras into one of these
Merchants of Death; inside we found rack after rack of easily concealable
lighters being offered by dozens of manufacturers, including
"military-style" lighters, colored black, green, or even camouflage!
Surely nobody would claim any legitimate purpose for such devices,
which only have one true purpose-ARSON! Also popular are "Saturday
Afternoon Specials," cheap, foreign copies of quality American lighters
(as carried by our police and armed forces). Would-be war heroes bolster
their machismo with these look-alikes of lighters glorified in movies and
cop shows on TV, made mostly of plastic, as are the terrorist lighters
which are virtually undetectable by airport security devices. [NOTE TO
EDITORS: CAREFUL with this last reference--the Washington, DC Police
Department is now using these plastic lighters. When referring to DCPD,
use the phrase "High-tech police lighters"] These semi-automated "assault
lighters", with their capacity to start dozens of fires as fast as the
flint can be struck, have become a form of status symbol among "freebase"
drug users, who prefer the massive firepower these terrible devices
offer.
We have even heard rumors of finely tuned ".45 Caliber Match" and
"National Match" items; we have been unable to find out any more of such
items, but these are obviously even more deadly than "sporting" matches!
While purchase of these deadly weapons is often restricted by local
law to persons over a certain age, there is no federal law to do so; one
state may have a stringent law while its neighboring state has no controls
whatsoever, making unlawful importation from one state to another a
serious problem. What is needed is a Federal law, to keep these devices
from felons or the mentally ill, and, of course, a Federal registration
program to identify repeat offenders (those who claim that such offenders
will bypass the laws and buy fire on the black market are to be laughed

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Other Stuff

out of the studio as being obviously unfamiliar with the real world)!
We at Fire Control, Inc., are aware that the Lighter Lobby is a
powerful bloc in Washington, as evidenced by the federal grants and
subsidies given to the producers of these infernal devices and their
associates, the tobacco pushers. Nonetheless, we seek tighter
restrictions on ownership, manufacture, and transfer of matches and
lighters. After all, what sort of person really needs such implements (no
matter the claims of so-called "sportsmen")? Nice guys who have lighters
aren't nice guys! Those who claim some "right" to own fire point to the
fact that the Founding Fathers, themselves, used open flame; however,
James Madison never had a Scripto! We are not after legitimate fire,
started by steel, flint, and tinder (as the Founding Fathers used), but
the terrible toll exacted by semi-automated "assault" lighters must be
stopped!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those who are Doing The Planning!

The Creation: -- In the beginning there was the PLAN! --

And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without Form
And the Plan was COMPLETELY without substance
And the darkness was upon the faces of the Privates And they spake
unto their Chief Warrant Officers, Saying: "It is a CROCK of SHIT, And It
Stinketh"
And the Chief Warrant Officers went unto their Divisional Officers,
And Sayeth: "It is a pail of DUNG, and None may abide the Odor Thereof!"
And the Divisional Officers went unto their Second in Command, and
Sayeth unto Him: "It is a container of excrement, and it is very STRONG!"
And the Second in Command went unto His Commanding Officer, and
Sayeth unto Him: "It is a vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its
Strength"
And the Commanding Officer went unto His General, And Sayeth: "It
contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very strong" And the
General went unto the Chief of Defense Staff and Sayeth: "It Promoteth
Growth, and it is very Powerful"
And the Chief of Defense Staff went unto the Deputy Minister, And
Sayeth Unto Him: "This Powerful New Plan will Actively Promote the Growth
and Efficiency of the Department, and this area in Particular"
And the Deputy Minister looked upon the Plan, And Saw the it was
GOOD, And the Plan Became POLICY
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
So you want the day off. Let's look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks
per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days
available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up
170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day
on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days
available.
With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46
days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days
per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Other Stuff

down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which
leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to
take that day off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just figured out why I feel tired all of the time... I'm doing
more than my share of the world's work.
As I see it the population of the country is 160 million, but there
are 62 million over 60 years of age. That leaves 98 million to do the
work. People under 21 years of age total 54 million which leaves 44
million to do the work.
Then there are 21 million who are employed by the government and that
leaves 23 million to do the work. Ten million are in the Armed Forces.
That leaves 13 million to do the work. Now deduct 12,800,000, the number
in state and city offices and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There
are 126,000 in hospitals insane asylums, and so forth, and that leaves
74,000 people to do the work.
But 62,000 of these refuse to work, so that leaves 12,000 to do the
work. Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in
jail, so that just leaves TWO people to all the work and that's YOU and ME
and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Assembly Language Commands

MNEM CODE

AAC Alter All Commands
AACM Add And Change Mode
AADA Alter All Data
AAOF Add And Overflow
AARN Alter At Random
ABCK Add BackwarDs
ABRN Add Beyond Range
ACCK Advance CPU Clock
ACQT Advance Clock to Quitting Time
ADB Another Damn Bug [UNIX]
AEER Absolve Engineering Errors
ADFF Add Fudge Factor
AFHB Align Fullword on Halfword Boundary
ABFP Abnormalized Floating Point Mode
AFVC Add Finagle's Variable Constant [1]
ADGB Add GarBage
ADIP Add ImProper
ATIB Attack Innocent Bystander
ADMM Add Mayo and Mustard
ANFSCD And Now For Something Completely Different
ANOI Annoy Operator Immediate
ALRL Alter ReaLity
ADRN Add and Reset to Non-zero
ADRZ Add and Reset to Zero
ADSD Add SiDeways
ACTR Accumulate TRivia
ARWP ARgue With Programmer
AWTT Assemble With TinkerToys

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Other Stuff

[1] The constant that must be added to make your data support your
conclusions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
30 REASONS WHY VAPORWARE IS BETTER THAN REAL SOFTWARE:
by Gwen Barnes

1) Vaporware doesn't use up all your harddrive space.
2) Vaporware loads and runs much faster than real software.
3) Vaporware doesn't need docs.
4) The price is right.
5) Vaporware never crashes.
6) Vaporware is never copy protected.
7) Vaporware never has viruses.
8) You can download vaporware without running up a huge phone bill.
9) Vaporware never gets corrupted by line noise during downloads.
10) Vaporware tech support never puts you on hold.
11) Vaporware never comes on 18 floppies in a 10 pound box.
12) Vaporware never conflicts with your other applications.
13) Vaporware is much easier to write than real software.
14) Vaporware is always network-ready.
15) You never need to buy a site license for vaporware.
16) Vaporware is always DesqView aware.
17) You never need to buy more RAM to run vaporware.
18) Vaporware has versions which support Windows and OS/2.
19) Vaporware authors never get sued for "look and feel."
20) Vaporware runs perfectly on your existing hardware.
21) Vaporware still runs perfectly when you upgrade your hardware.
22) Vaporware always does exactly what you need it to do.
23) Vaporware never attacks another program's data files.
24) Vaporware never tells you to press the key.
25) No-one can dispute your performance benchmarks for vaporware.
26) Vaporware always supports YOUR video adaptor.
27) Wherever you go, you can always run vaporware.
28) You always have the latest version of vaporware.
29) No matter how old it is, vaporware never becomes obsolete.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the Editor:

I'm writing this letter,
Quite frankly, to say
I abhorred the column
You wrote yesterday!

It was weak and insipid
And words synonymous--
In short, it lacked courage!
Yours truly, Anonymous.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attention: New Rule

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom
under informal guidelines. Effective May 1,1990 a Restroom Trip Policy
(RTP) will be instituted to provide a consistent method of accounting for
each employee's restroom time thus ensuring equal treatment of all

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Other Stuff

employees.
Under this policy a "RESTROOM TRIP BANK" will be established for each
employee. The first day of the month employees will be given a rest room
trip credit of 20 RTs. Restroom Trip Credits may be accumulated from
month to month.
Within two weeks the entrance to all restrooms will be equipped with
personnel identification stations and computer linked VOICE PRINT
RECOGNITION devices. Before the end of April 1990, each employee must
provide two copies of voice prints (one normal, one under bladder and /or
GI distress) to Data Automation. The voice print recognition stations
will be operational, but not restrictive for the month of May. Employees
should acquaint themselves with the stations during this time. The policy
will go into effect June 1.
If you anticipate taking more than three minutes in the restroom,
employees must seek the most convenient clock-in and clock out terminal in
order to follow the appropriate procedure, i.e.,clock in use the restroom,
clock out and then return to work.
If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero,the doors to
the restrooms will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of
the next month. Under exceptional circumstances and within reasonable
employees may with consent of another employee borrow Restroom Trip
Credits.
In addition employees are advised that all restroom stalls will be
equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for
more than three minutes, a warning indicator alarm will sound. Thirty
seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper in the stall will
retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. If the stall
remains occupied, the occupant's picture will be taken. The pictures of
such perpetrators will be posted on the Bulletin board. This is being
done to eliminate Dilly-Dallying in the restrooms. Any employee's picture
appearing on the bulletin board more than three times will result in
immediate termination of the employee's employment without benefit of
appeal.
If you any questions relative to the RTP please ask your superior.
Remember May 1 1990 is RTP day.Thank You
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
MEMORANDUM

From: CEO
To: All Personnel
Subj: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest QUALITY WORK
possible, it will be our policy to keep all employee's well trained
through our program of Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T. ). We
are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other organization in
town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please
see your supervisor. You will be placed on top of the S.H.I.T. list for
special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to
see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Other Stuff

interested in helping us to train others. We can add you to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. ).

If you have further questions, please address them to our Head of
Training, Special High Intensity Training ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T. ).

Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
( B.I.G.S.H.I.T. )

Copy to: Director of Intensity Programming, Special High Intensity
Training ( D.I.P.S.H.I.T. )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are a couple of pretty good-but-old telephone pranks:

Call a bowling alley and ask whoever answers if they have 12 pound
balls. When they say yes (and they will), ask them how they got to the
phone so fast.

Call someone and say you're from the telephone company and that
workers will be testing the line for the next 2 hours and warn them if
they get a phone call not to answer because it will send 2000 volts of
electricity to whoever calls you. Then wait 20 minutes and call them back
and when they answer you say "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The official list of types of pussy found throughout the land.

1) Expensive pussy: Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive
pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses,
spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them.
98% of the pussy found on the USC campus falls into this category.

Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account
depletion.
Often not worth it.

2) Cheap pussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of
yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap pussy can be
recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner,
understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly,
easily hurt, but shakes it off.

Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once
and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can
keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will
eventually want to get married and/or have children
soon thus ruining it.
Often not worth it.

3) Hired pussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every
other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes
and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The
difference between Hired pussy and Expensive pussy is that the money
is up-front.

Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your
girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look
like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than
Expensive pussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap pussy in the long run, risk
of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the
risk of jail time is high.
Often not worth it.

4) Virgin pussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by
conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty
jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage,
but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level
is high as Virgin pussy tends to want to stay that way for some
unknown reason.

Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight
"fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new
experience, will often offer "other" services if
Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not
usually into using birth control which can cause
"accidents", can only be used once.
Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of
thing.

5) Nympho pussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by
your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion. Very
experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies
depending on level of Nymphomania.

Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk
can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can
be unstable, will not give a steady relationship.
Often not worth it.

6) Frigid pussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is
that this pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved
is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).

Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once
recognized.
Never worth it.

7) Innocent Nympho pussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet,
innocent package which you would never in a million years think would
give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often
mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper
category.

Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if
you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may
result. May or may not be faithful.

8) Party pussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of
wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities
while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure
you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.

Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to
say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful,
the Support System may tend to puke all over you.
Often not worth it.

9) Nutsy pussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized
by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on
you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent
reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.

Advantages: Easy.

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

Disadvantages: Never really worth it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
MURPHYS LAWS ON SEX

1) The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to
leave her with no hard feelings.
2) Nothing improves with age.
3) No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
because it'll never be quite the same again.
4) Sex has no calories.
5) Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
trouble.
6) There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7) Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've
got.
8) No sex with anyone in the same office.
9) Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get
or how long it is going to last.
10) A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11) If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12) Virginity can be cured.
13) When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
14) Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15) The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
ones she can't stand years later.
16) Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17) It is always the wrong time of month.
18) The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19) When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20) Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
21) Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure.
22) The younger the better.
23) The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24) It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the garden.
25) Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27) Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of
frogs.
28) There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than
sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29) Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30) Love is a hole in the heart.
31) If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the
moon.
32) Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33) Do it only with the best.
34) Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
words to convey its full meaning.
35) One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36) You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

37) Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38) It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
39) Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.
40) Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41) Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42) Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43) A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he
couldn't.
44) What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the
stick.
45) It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46) Never say no.
47) A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48) Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49) Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50) Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51) A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52) Love comes in spurts.
53) The world does not revolve on an axis.
54) Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant.
55) Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56) Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57) There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in
love.
58) Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59) Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60) "This won't hurt, I promise."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Few Words About Breasts

Breasts. America loves 'em. They've nurtured the young and old,
inspired songs and sonnets, war and peace, not to mention major men's
magazines. I could go on forever, so I will - with a lengthy tribute to
the names, nicknames and euphemisms that have come to characterize chest
fever. The following extensive, but by no means exhaustive, list was
compiled by amateur etymologists Parker Bennet and Tom Mannis.

Angel Cakes Doozies Loaves PT Boats
Apples Double-Whammies LobLollies Pumpkins
Balboas Dueling Banjos Love Mellons Rangoons
Balloons Dugs Love Muffins Rib Balloons
Bangers Dumplings LuLus Rib Cushions
Bangles Dunes Macaroons Rivets
Bassoons Ear Muffs Mambos Roundies
Baubles Eclairs Mammaries Sandbags
Bazongas Eggplants Mammies Satellites
Bazookas Enchiladas Mams Scones
Bazooms Flapjacks Mangos Scoops
Beacons Flappers Marangos Set
Beanbags Flesh Bulbs Maraschinos Shakers
Bebops Flesh Mellons Marimbas Shebas
Betty Boops Floaters Marshmallows Shermans
Big Boppers Floats Mau Maus Shimmies

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

Bikini Stuffers Fog Lights Mausers Silos
Billibongs Fried Eggs Meatballs Skin Sacks
Blinkers Fun Bags Meat Loaves Skooners
Bombers Gagas Melons Smoothies
Bombshells Garbos Milk Cans Snuggle Pups
Bon Bons Gazingas Milk Fountains Spark Plugs
Bongos Gazongas Milk Shakes Specials
Bonkers Glands Molehills Spheres
Boobers Globlets Mommas Spongecakes
Boobies Globes Mondos Spuds
Boobs Gob Stoppers Montezumas Stacks
Boops Gongas Moo Moos Stuffing
Bops Goombas Mother Lodes Sugar Plums
Bosom Grapefruits Mounds Sweater Meat
Boulders Grillwork Montain Peaks Sweater Puffs
Bouncers Guavas Muchachas Sweet Rolls
Bra Buddies Gum Drops Muffins Tahitis
Bra Stuffers Handsets Mulligans Tamales
Breasts Hand Warmers Mushmellons Tartugas
Bronskis Headers Nancies Tatas
Bubbas Head Lamps Nectarines Tattlers
Bubbies Headlights Niblets Teats
Buds Headphones Nibs Tetons
Bulbs Headsets Nippleoons Thangs
Bulges Hefties Nippleos Thingumajigs
Bullets Heifers Nippers Tidbits
Bumpers Hemispheres Nippies Titbits
Bumps Hills Nips Tits
Bust Hindenburgs Nodes Titskis
Busters Honeydews Nodules Titters
Busties Honkers Noogies Titties
Butterballs Hood-Ornaments Nose Cones Tomatoes
Buttons Hoohas Oboes Tom-Toms
Caboodles Hooters Oompas Tooters
Cams Hot Cakes Orbs Torpedoes
Cannon Balls Hottentots Ottomans Tortillas
Cantaloupes Howitzers Padding Totos
Carumbas Hubcaps Pagodas Twangers
Casabas Huffies Pair Tweakers
Cha-chas Humdingers Palookas Tweeters
Charlies Hush Puppies Papayas Twin Peaks
Chihuahuas ICBMS Parabolas Twofers
Chimichongas Jawbreakers Pastries Tympanies
Chiquitas Jemimas Paw Patties U-Boats
Coconuts Jibs Peaches Umlauts
Congas Jobbers Peakers Wahwahs
Corkers Jugs Peaks Waldos
Creamers Jukes Pears Warheads
Cream Pies Jumbos Pects Watermelons
Cuhuangas Kabukis Peepers Whoppers
Cupcakes Kalamazoos Pillows Windjammers
Curves Kazongas Pips Wobblers
Dingers Kazoos Plums Wongas
Dinghies Knobbers Pointer-Sisters Woofers

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

Dingos Knockers Points Yabbos
Dirigibles Kongas Pokers Yams
Domes Kumquats Polygons Yayas
Doodads Lactoids Pompoms Zeppelins
Doorknobs Lip Fodder Pontoons Zingers
Doozers LLamas Potatoes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you cross a donkey and an onion you very often will end up with
an onion with very long ears, but if you are very luck you may very rarely
end up with a piece of a## that will bring tears to your eyes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted in departmental
areas,we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel . . Under the
plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus
permitting the retention of younger people (who represent the future).
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retired Aged
Personnel Early) Employees who are R.A.P.E'd will be given the opportunity
to look for other jobs outside our company.Provided that they are being
R.A.P.E'd they can request a review of their employment records before
actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called
S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers)
All employees who have been R.A.P.E'd or S.C.R.E.W.E'd may file an
appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by
Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new
policy, employees may be R.A.P.E'd once, S.C.R.E.W.'ed twice, but may be
S.H.A.F.T.'ed as many times as the Company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be
entitled to get free H.E.R.P.E.S. Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's
Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan, any
employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E'd or
S.C.R.E.W.'d by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are
well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). The
company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We
have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this
area. If an employee feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on
the job, please see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is
especially trained to make sure that you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can
stand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ten most common lies men tell women in bed:

1) You'll be so much more comfortable wearing this dog collar.
2) Butt-fucking is lots of fun!
3) If you wont suck my cock, you couldn't possibly love me.
4) I like it when you let your teeth scrape against my cock.
5) I think your hairy legs and armpits are sexy.
6) You're not fat, you are voluptuous.
7) Mensural blood doesn't bother me in the least.
8) She's just my secretary.
9) I promise not to cum in your mouth.

Humor Digest - August 90

UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

10) I'll call you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you come to a girl tell here she will always have a place to sit
as long as you have a face!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Positive logical proof now exists establishing that God definitely is
not a woman... If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reminds me of my wife's visit to the gynecologist. She said he
remark would like to fill her vaginal cavity with ice cream, and then eat
it out. I told her not to worry. NOBODY can eat that much ice cream!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy called Dial-a-porn...

The girl said, "Not tonight, I've got an EARACHE."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition of a bad day: Your woman makes you sleep on the wet spot, and
you just got home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
IN THE BEGINNING...

It seems that when the Creator was making the world He called man
aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was
horrified only 20 years! But the Creator didn't budge. That was all he
would grant him.
Then he called the monkey aside and gave him 20 years. "But I don't
need 20 years" said the monkey, "All I need is 10." Then man spoke up and
said "Can't I have the other 10?", and the monkey agreed.
Then the Creator called the lion and gave him 20 years. The lion
said 10 would be plenty. Again man asked for the 10 years and the lion
agreed.
Then the Creator called the donkey and gave him 20 years. Again the
donkey said 10 would be plenty, and again man asked for the 10 years and
received them.
This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of
Monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it and... 10 years of making an
ass of himself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - August 90

Clean Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this big tough guy up in Alaska working on the pipeline out
in the boonies. He went into the bar and said, "What do you all do around
here for fun?"
One of the locals says, "Well, first we drink a case of Yukon
whiskey, then we wrestle with a Grizzly, then we make love to a woman."
The guy replies, "Alright!" He kills a case of whiskey then wanders
out into the snow.
He comes stumbling back a few hours later, all torn to shreds, and
loudly exclaims to the bar crowd, "Now, where's that woman I'm supposed to
wrestle!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man had been walking across a street, when all of a sudden he was
clobbered by a hit and run driver and was killed. He was welcomed to
Heaven by St. Peter.
"Life here is very similar to life down there," the saint said,
pointing down to earth. "You can still get hurt up here, but its offset
by the fact that nothing is illegal and everything is free. Just be
careful and enjoy yourself.
Amazed and somewhat bewildered, the man started out to take in the
sights. Not watching where he was going, the man stepped off a curb and
was almost run over but an Oldsmobile Cutlass. "Wow, who the heck was
that?" the guy wondered aloud.
"That was Mr. Olds," said St. Peter. "He's a driving maniac, but
you've got to be careful if your going to stay here.
The newcomer nodded and continued on. A minute later, as he was
carefully crossing over to a striptease joint, a speeding Cadillac nearly
ran him over.
"Wow! Who the heck was that jerk?" he screamed at St. Peter, who
was still keeping an eye on him.
"None other than Mr. Ford. As you can see, the idiot enjoys driving
fast," came St. Peters reply. "I know it's touchy, but do try to be
careful."
The man made extra sure before he attempted a third crossing, but
just as he was about to reach the other side successfully, a Porshe driven
by some long-haired freak appeared out of no where and bumped him back
across the street.
"Okay, who the heck was that?" he screamed as he lay sprawled at the
Saints feet.
"Keep your voice down," St. Peter hissed, "that's the boss' son!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------ -
A veterinarian's daughter leaves home to go to an out-of-state
college. After about a month, she writes home to Dad asking that he send
her money to purchase a bicycle as it is a very long way between classes
in the various buildings on campus.
When the check arrives, she walks downtown the local bicycle shop to
purchase her new bike. On the way there, she happens to pass a pet
store. There, sitting in the window of the pet shop, is the most adorable
little monkey that she has ever seen. Her heart goes out to the animal,
she reverses course, enters the pet shop and buys the monkey instead.
Fearing admonishments from her Father, she neglects to inform him of the
actual purpose to which she applied the funds he had dispatched to her.
After a few months of enjoying her pet's company and playful antics,
she notices that the animal has become rather tired and listless.

Humor Digest - September 90

Clean Jokes

Finally, one morning she notices that the monkey appears to be genuinely
ill and that great globs of its' hair is falling out, leaving bare skin
beneath.
Her very first instinctual reaction is to phone her father, the
veterinarian, and seek his advice about what to do.
"Dad," she cries over the telephone, "what should I do? All of the
hair is falling off of my monkey!"
"If I were you," replied her Father, "I'd sell the bicycle!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk walks into a bar and the bartender says "What'll ya have?"
The drunk says "Scotch and soda."
"Okay." says the bartender as he quickly whips the drink up and slide
it over, which the drunk speedily downs.
The bartender says "That's $2.50 Mac."
Drunk says "I don't have any money! You offered me a drink and I
took it." The bartender throws the drunk out.
The Drunk walks in two minutes later and the bartender says "Hey, I
just threw you outta here!"
The drunk says "Wasn't me!"
The bartender responds, "Then you must have a double!"
To which the drunk smiles and says "Thank you, I will!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman wanted to get a watchdog for protection at home. She went to
the pet store and said to the owner, "I'm worried about all the break-ins
and robberies in my neighborhood, and want to get a real ferocious guard
dog."
The owner told her, "No problem. I have just the thing for you." He
went to the back of the store and came out with a little ball of fur with
4 little stick legs. "This is Fifi, and she's exactly what you want."
The lady just laughed at the guy and started to walk away. The owner
said, "Wait. I'll show you." He put Fifi down and said, "Fifi, the
chair!" and the dog was a blur. Splinters and fluff were everywhere.
After Fifi was done there was nothing but a pile of wood chunks and
cloth. The owner could see that the woman was impressed, but not yet
sold, so he said, "Fifi the table!" and the dog was amazing. The table
simply disintegrated.
The lady bought Fifi and was walking out the door when the man said
to her, "Fifi will only take commands from a man's voice."
"That's ok." she said, "My husband can do it." So she happily took
Fifi home.
When she got home, she was all smiles and went in to her husband's
den and said, "Honey look what I got. A guard dog to protect our house.
Her name is Fifi."
The husband put down his paper and looked at the pathetic ball of fur
with 4 little stick legs and said, "Fifi, huh? Fifi my leg."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says
"Sorry, I don't serve strings." So the string walks out of the bar and
bumps into some fellow strings. He tells his friends what happened and
one of them says he will go into the bar and order the beer for him.
So the second string walks into the bar and orders a beer. Once
again the bartender says "Sorry, I don't serve strings." So the second
string walks out and breaks the news to the others.
Finally one of the strings comes up with a brilliant idea. He tied

Humor Digest - September 90

Clean Jokes

himself into a knot and frayed his ends. He then walks slowly into the
bar and orders a beer.
The very upset bartender yells "Listen, many strings have come in
here and I'm getting a little upset. This is the final time I will say
this. I don't serve strings! You are a string aren't you?"
The string then calmly replies "No, I'm afraid not." (a frayed knot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The contractor and the stupid carpenter were putting siding on a
house. About every third nail the carpenter would pull out of the pouch,
he'd toss over his shoulder. So the contractor goes up to him and says,
"What do you think you're doing?"
The stupid carpenter says, "Those nails are no good, the head is on
the wrong end!"
The contractor says, "You moron, those are for the other side of the
house!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say,
disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you anymore?"
he asked anxiously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing
her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on,
"If I weren't pulling in six figures anymore. Would you still love me
then?"
His wife fondly took her husband worried face between her hands.
"Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll
really miss you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A certain Texan owned an oil well, which caught on fire one day. The
Texan immediately called Red Adair, asking him to come and extinguish the
fire. Adair agreed, but said, "My fee is one million dollars." The Texan
decided that was too much, so when to the Yellow Pages and looked under
"Oil Well Fire Extinguishers." There he saw the name of Jose Hernandez.
He called Jose and asked him to come and extinguish the fire.
Jose said, "My fee is one thousand dollars."
The Texan agreed and said he would pay him on the spot.
Jose said, "Alright, senior, tomorrow morning I come in my truck."
The next day the Texan went out to the oil well. Just as he arrived,
he saw a truck with "Jose Hernandez -- Oil Well Fire Extinguisher" painted
on the side drive up. Instead of stopping, the truck drove at full speed
towards the well and crashed against the derrick.
Immediately a dozen Mexicans jumped out and began beating at the
flames with serapes. Soon the fire was out. One of the smoldering
Mexicans walked up to the Texan and said, "Senior, I am Jose Hernandez."
The Texan said, "My God, that was amazing," reached into his pocket,
pulled out a thousand dollars, and handed it to Jose.
Jose took the money and said, "Thank you, Senior, now I can afford to
fix my brakes."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnnie, being reprimanded by his teacher for being tardy for
school, remonstrated with the following excuse:
"Ma woke Pa up in the middle of the night saying she heard something

Humor Digest - September 90

Clean Jokes

in the hen house. Pa, who sleeps in the raw, grabbed his loaded shotgun
and ran out into the yard. Pa stood there, with his gun pointing at the
chicken house, waiting for something to come out when our old hound dog
came up behind Pa with his cold nose... and we've been cleanin' chickens
since three o'clock this morning."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man walks into the drugstore with his seeing-eye dog. A few
minutes later, a saleswoman sees the blind man swinging his dog around by
the leash.
The saleslady rushes over to the blind man and asks "Sir, what are
you doing?"
The blind man replies "Leave me alone, I'm just looking around!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is sitting at the Greyhound station, waiting for his bus. He
sees a weight and fortune machine in the corner, walks over to it and
drops a nickel in the slot.
The card that comes out says "You're an American, your on your way to
New York, your bus leaves in ten minutes and you weigh 165 pounds!"
The man thinks that the prediction is amazing and looks around the
station, finally he sees an Indian waiting for a bus. He grabs the Indian
and brings him to the scale, drops in a nickel and the card comes out
"You're an Indian, a Chief of the Cherokee Tribe, on your way to Arizona,
you weigh 175 pounds!" (The chief says "UGH! It right!")
The man grabs the Indian's Headgear and blanket, puts them on, steps
on the scale, drops in a nickel and the card pops out.
"You're still an American, you still weigh 165 pounds, you were on
your way to New York, but you messed around too long with that indian and
missed your bus!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - September 90

Ethnic Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Black, a Redneck, a Pollack, a Jew, and a Mexican all died and went
to Hell at the same time. While floating in the amorphous mists of Limbo
an imp of Satan flashed into existence.
"Sweethearts," the imp spoke in a limp-wristed saccharine voice "it
has been such a rush. We just don't have time to process them all. 'Tell
ya what. Slip me a five and I'll let ya all go back."
The next day the Redneck was at his favorite sleazy bar sucking down
a few brews. After telling the story he was queried as to where the rest
of his group were.
Well, the pollack will be along in a little while; he had to stop and
ask directions three times. The Mexican is not far behind him with a
spray can writing graffiti on the walls about every ten feet. The Jew has
the imp down to $3.95, and the black is looking for a co-signer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Salesman, an Engineer and a Programmer are riding to the next trade
show when all of a sudden a tire goes flat. They pull to the side of the
road, get out and assess the situation.
The Salesman says, "Well, it's pretty obvious, we need a new car!"
The Engineer says, "I think we should swap out the tires until we
find which one is flat."
The Programmer says, "Lets just ignore it. Maybe it'll go away!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Ukranian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime
reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the
most out of a dime.
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved
the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He
smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the
fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her
roses. He told the Ukranian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a
dime."
The Ukranian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a
dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the
other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and the
fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day
I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He
agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer picked up a broad in a bar one night and took her home.
They became carnally intimate. After such an exchange the lawyer never
saw the woman again. A simple one night stand.
Until one day the lawyer was at a filling station about 11 months
later and saw the woman filling up her tank. He also noticed a newborn
baby in her back seat. Doing a little simple math, he thought to
himself... "Hey, that's probably my kid!"
He walked up to the woman and introduced himself and asked if the
child was his. The woman replied "Yes."
"Well, why didn't you tell me, I would have done the right thing and
we could have been married."
The woman said, "Well I talked it over with the family and we decided
it would be better to have a bastard in the family rather than a lawyer."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there were two Pollacks who rented a boat to go fishing on a

Humor Digest - September 90

Ethnic Jokes

lake. They found a spot and were catching fish right and left. At the
end of the day, one Pollack suggested that they find a way to remember the
spot where they caught all the fish so they could come back to the same
good luck. The other Pollack suggested that they put an "X" in the bottom
of the boat.
The first Pollack grew furious and shouted "You idiot, how do you
know that we'll get this same boat!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man from Connecticut was taking a cross-country train trip which
happened to take him through Texas. At one stop in that state, an
extremely attractive young woman got on and sat down across the aisle from
him. The Northern was very turned on, and finally leaned over and said to
the woman, "Hey, baby, want to come back to my sleeper with me for $5?"
At these words, a Texan sitting nearby jumped up out of his seat,
drew a revolver, and shot the Northerner dead. Blowing the smoke out of
the gun barrel, and replacing the revolver in its holster, he gave a
fierce look around the car and said:
"Any more damn Yankees want to try raising the price of women in
Texas?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
These two Pollacks go out on the town one night. They tie their
horses in front of the bar and decide that they will probably be too drunk
to tell them apart when they come out. One suggests to the other that
they cut the right ear off his horse and the left ear off the other
horse. "When we come out, we will just match up the ears and we can tell
which horse is which. They do this and go on about their boozing.
Later that night they come back out to the horses and after several
minutes of trying to fit the ears back onto the proper horse, one says to
the other, "Ah, to hell with the ears, You take the black horse and I'll
take the white one."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young couple were out for a drive in the country when the man
shifted the car into neutral and let it coast to a stop. The young lady
said, "You're not going to pull that out of gas routine are you?"
"No," he replied, "I'm going to pull that here after routine."
"What's that?" she asked.
"Well, if you're not here after what I'm here after, you're going to
be here after I'm gone!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This ole gal was trying on one of those blouses with a plunging
neckline and after looking herself over in the mirror, asked a saleslady
if she thought it was too low-cut.
"Do you have hair on your chest?" the saleslady asked.
"No!," she squealed.
"Well then," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Anderson husband had been reported missing for more than three
months. Her friends and relatives did not know if the poor man had met
with fowl play or what.
One day the lady received a call from the city morgue requesting her
to identify a body that might very well be Mr. Anderson.
The morgue attendant lifted the sheet, disclosing the recently dead
but very well-endowed corpse.
"No," Mrs. Anderson said, "That isn't my husband, but some woman

Humor Digest - September 90

Ethnic Jokes

certainly lost a very good friend."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gary was chuckling at the bar when his friend Steve joined him.
"Women, they think they're so smart," he said with a sly smile, going on
to explain that he'd eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his
fiance and her best friend. "She said, 'Gary doesn't know it yet, but the
only time I'm putting out is when I want to get pregnant."
At this, Gary doubled over with laughter, and Steve looked at his
friend with some consternation, "I'd be mad as a hatter! Why aren't you?"
he asked.
"Why get mad?" answered Gary. "She'll never know I've had a
vasectomy!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A king finally married his daughter off to a prince from a
neighboring kingdom but was worried if the wedding nuptials would go
okay. He asked one of his guards to stay discreetly outside their door
and to report to the him the next morning.
The guard reported to the king and the king asked what had happened
during the night. "Well," the guard said, "They got undressed and into
bed and I did not hear anything for quite a while. Then I heard her offer
herself to the prince. He then honored her.
And that's how it went the whole night, offer, honor, offer,
honor..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - September 90

Other Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady was getting a tatoo on her butt. She asked the artist to put
Elvis Presley on one cheek and Tom Cruise on the other cheek. After the
artist was finished, he handed the lady a mirror to check it out for
herself.
"I need a second opinion," the lady demanded. So the artist went
outside his shop to find a person to critique the work. All he could find
was a whino, so he brought the geezer in to look at her ass.
"Whaddaya think?" asked the lady.
"Well," said the whino, "I dunno who either of those guys are, but
the guy in the middle with the rotten breath has got to be Willie Nelson!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest and a golfer went golfing together for a day. The golfer
swings and misses, "God Damn it! I missed!"
The priest say, "God isn't going to like that!" The golfer swings
again and misses, "God Damn IT! I missed!"
The priest again says, "God isn't going to like that!" The golfer
swings again, "God damn it! I missed!"
Again the priest says, "God is not going to like this." And as the
golfer took another swing a dark cloud began to amass above the golf
course and the golfer missed again, "God damn it! I missed again!"
The priest once again said, "God is not going to like this at all."
A powerful surge of lightning struck the priest and God said, "Damn
it! I missed!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy is playing with his train set in the living room while
his mother cooks. He lets the train go around the track ten times, stops
it, and says, "All you bastards who wanna get in, get in. All you
bastards who wanna get out, get out." He lets the train go around another
ten times, stops it, and again says, "All you bastards wanna get in, get
in. All you bastards wanna get out, get out."
With that, the mother comes storming into the living room and tells
her son to go sit in the corner for one hour for speaking so filthily.
One hour goes by and the mother tells the little boy that he can go
back and play with his trains again. The little boy sends the train
around the track ten times, stops it, and says, "All you bastards wanna
get in, get in. All you bastards wanna get out, get out. Anybody got a
complaint about the delay, go see the bitch in the kitchen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just emigrated to
Iran and asked him to open his two luggage trunks. And in the first one
he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.
"Excuse me, sir," he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all
this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "For many years, I traveled
all around America and I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all
the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, , then I
vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls vhere the men were
spritzing and I say, 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut your
testicles vit my knife.'
"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "What's in the second
suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said the old jew, shaking his head, "Not everyone
likes to give..."

Humor Digest - September 90

Other Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first
morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the
bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's
clothes and she let a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole
whistle!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope died and appeared at the Pearly Gates, where he knocked
confidently and introduced himself to St. Peter, "I am The Pope of Rome,"
he said, "Let me in."
"I don't know you," said St. Peter.
"Well, Christ knows me," said the Pope briskly, "May I come in now?"
"I'll check," offered St. Peter, picking up the phone. "Hey, J.C.,
there's a character out here calling himself the Pope of Rome and he says
you know him." After a pause, St. Peter hung up and turned to the Pope.
"He says He doesn't know you."
"So, try the Holy Ghost," suggested the Pope.
"Say, Spook," said St. Peter over the phone, "there's a character
here calling himself the Pope of Rome who says you know him." After a
pause, St. Peter turned back to the pope and shook his head.
"That is absurd," said the Pope testily, "Try the Father."
St. Peter obliged him, "Hey Dad, there's someone here calling
himself the Pope of Rome and he says you know him."
"Yes, I know the son of a bitch," boomed God over the phone line.
"He's the guy who's been spreading all those rumors about me and the
Virgin Mary. Tell him to go to Hell!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple walks into a hotel on their honeymoon... The groom says to
the receptionist "I'd like to have your finest suite, it's our honeymoon"
The receptionist replies "Bridal?"
The groom says "No I'll just grab her by the ears till I get used to
her!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The nun was taking a shower when she heard a knock at the door. She
wrapped a towel around herself and asked who it was.
"I'm the blind man." came the reply.
She dropped the towel and answered the door.
The guy looked at her and said "Nice tits lady, here's your blinds."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Tommy came home from school one day and was really pissed. So
on his way down the country lane and past the barnyard, he kicked the cow,
kicked the pig and kicked the chicken.
His Mother saw this and yelled, "Tommy! Stop that and get in here
right now!" When Tommy came in she said, "Since you kicked the cow, you
get no milk for the next week. Since you kicked the pig, you get no bacon
for the next week. And for kicking the chicken, you get no chicken for
the next week."
A couple hours later Tommy's Father came home, and was pissed off
too. He kicked the cat. Tommy looked at his Mother and said, "Do you
want to tell him or should I?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once a guy from Cincinnati was dating a gal from Eaton. But she had

Humor Digest - September 90

Other Jokes

a twin sister who lived in Dayton. The two sister decided to play a
little game on this Cinsy guy so they started to alternate on dates with
this guy. Being identical twins, he had no idea of their little joke. As
the strange relationship developed, it finally got to the point that the
poor guy didn't know if he was dating the gal from Eaton or eating the gal
from Dayton.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is sitting in a bar and this ugly woman walks in and sits down
at the other end. The man says to the bartender "Get the douche bag a
drink."
The bartender replies "I'm sorry sir but we don't refer to the ladies
in this fine establishment as douche bags."
The man said "Listen, just get the douche bag a drink." Again the
bartender repeated his position. The man again requested a drink for the
"douche bag" and the bartender finally relented.
He walks down to the woman and says "The gentleman at the other end
of the bar would like to buy you a drink. What would you like?"
The woman replies "Oh, just a vinegar and water!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A skunk, a giraffe, and a deer walk into a bar and order mixed
drinks. They drink them down, order a second round, pound the second
round down, and to leave. The bartender says: "Hey, one of you animals
has to pay for those drinks."
The skunk says: "All I have is a scent. I can't pay you." The deer
say: "Well, I've a buck to my name, and I'm expecting some dough soon if
you know what I mean, but I can't pay."
So the giraffe says: "Well, guys, I guess the highballs are on me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Priest decides to go fishing on a charter boat. Nun drives him to
the dock and prays for good fishing the whole time he's gone. After
fishing all day, finally the priest catches a big fish.
The first mate says, "Big Son of a bitch father!"
Priest says, "Son, your language!"
Mate feeling guilty says, "No father, it is a 'Son of a bitch.' It's
a cross between a trout and a perch."
They get back to the dock, Priest says to nun, "Look at the big Son
of a bitch I caught sister!"
Nun says,"Father your language!"
Priest says,"No sister, it is a Son of a bitch, it's a cross between
a trout and a perch." They go back to the convent and show the fish to the
cook.
"Look at the big Son of a bitch Father caught today!" says the nun to
the cook.
Cook says, "Sister your language!"
Nun says, "No, it is a Son of a bitch, it's a cross between a trout
and a perch."
Monsinger comes for dinner that night. Cook brings out the lavishly
prepared fish.
"Just look at the Son of a bitch Father caught today, didn't I fix it
well?" says the cook.
Father says, "Yea, it's the biggest Son of a bitch I ever caught."
Nun says, "I've never seen a finer son of a bitch."
Monsinger looks at each of them and says, "I knew I'd like you
fuckers!"

Humor Digest - September 90

Other Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The priests need to travel from NY to Pittsburg and they plan to do
it by train. There is an Old Priest, a Middle Aged Priest, and a Young
Priest. The problem arises when they arrive at the train station to
purchase the tickets. The ticket agent is a woman and she has the biggest
tits they have ever seen (and she's not wearing a bra). After some
discussion the Old Priest is sent to buy the tickets (Since he is younger
and should be able to act in a calm manner while buying the tickets)
Old Priest: (At the ticket window) "I'd like to buy 3 tickets to
Titsburgh..." (He walks away in embarrassment) After more discussion the
Middle Aged Priest is sent to buy the tickets.
Middle aged Priest: "Young lady, I'd like to buy three tickets to
Pittsburgh. I would like my change in nipples and dimes..." (He also
immediately turns and walks away in embarrassment) The Young Priest then
decides he is best suited for the job...
Old Priest: "Young lady, I would like to buy three tickets to
Pittsburgh. I would like my change in nickels and dimes. And you know,
when you get to heaven, St. Stick is going to shake his peter at you!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these two aggies on the beach. One of them saw a
beautiful blond looking at him. She smiled at him, so he turned to his
buddy and said, "There's this girl smiling at me, what should I do?" His
friend said, "Well, smile back at her." He did this, and then she winked
at him. He once again asked his friend what to do, and was told, "Well,
wink back at her. "He did this, then she took her bikini top off,
exposing her large breasts. He asked his friend what to do now, who
replied, "Show her your nuts." So the Aggie stuck his fingers in his ears,
turned cross-eyed, and yelled, "Blubba blubba booo!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Every time I see a good-looking guy," the girl confides to her best
friend, "I get a funny feeling between my toes."
"Between your toes?" the friend asks. "Between which toes?"
"The two big ones."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Molly was taken too the beauty parlor for her 1st haircut.
The strange surroundings intimidated her and she began to cry, but the
hairdresser was used to children, and calmly offered her a cookie. Sure
enough the little girl quieted down, so he began cutting her hair, but in
a few minutes, Molly started up again.
"What's the matter, little girl?" asked the hairdresser solicitously,
"Have you got a hair on your cookie?"
"What are you, a pervert?" she snapped, "I'm only six!"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - September 90

Sexual Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There seems to have been this man one day who was sinking in
quicksand. A young fellow walks by and the man screams out, "Hey! Help
get me out of this quicksand!"
The fellow looks at the guy and says "Will you suck my dick?"
The man replies, "UUUGH, NO!"
So the fellow kicks him in the head, and the man sinks a little
deeper. Later on, another dude walks by... and the man screams again,
"Hey! Help get me out of this quicksand! I'll do anything!"
The dude looks at the man and asks "Will you suck my dick?"
The man replies as before... "UUUGH, NO WAY!"
So the dude kicks the man in the head, and he sinks a little deeper.
Just before the man is totally consumed by the quicksand, he sees
another man walking near by, so he yells out, "HELP! Get me out of this
quicksand, and I'll do anything... Even suck your dick!"
The man walks over to him kicks his head, and says:
"Die! Faggot!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An amateur golfer playing his 1st tournament was delighted when a
beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested that he come
over to her place. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he
really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a
while. Twenty minutes later they were in her bed making love. And when
it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think
your going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
At that the golfer stripped off his cloths and jumped on top of her.
Once they'd made love a 2nd time, he got out of bed and put his pants back
on.
"What are you up to?" she called, Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of
leaving now."
So the golfer pulled off his pants and screwed her a 3rd time,
afterwards he started getting dressed.
"C'mon, you cant leave yet," protested the girl, "Lee Trevino
wouldn't call it a day."
"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her
very seriously. "What's par for this hole?!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This sweet young thing was taken to a very expensive New York
restaurant by her elderly employer. After a few cocktails, the young lady
ordered a pate' de foie gras, an endive salad, chateaubriand, and dessert
and coffee. She also ordered an expensive wine.
The old man stared at her puzzled; "Your mother feeds you this way?"
he asked.
"No," she replied sweetly, "but my mother's not looking to fuck me
either!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A city feller went to the country to see what they did for kicks. He
went to a farmer and asked him what they did for enjoyment and the farmer
said, "Well see that barn over there? See the three holes? Well the
first one is not bad, the second is pretty good but is the third ever a
blast!"
Well since he wanted to try the country way he went up to the first
hole and stuck it in and wow! One of the best he ever had! Thinking if

Humor Digest - September 90

Sexual Jokes

they get better he just has to try the second hole. So he walks up to it
and sticks it in and nearly screams in pleasure!
The next day two farmers are walking by the barn and see a pale, weak
and yellow man in the ditch. The one farmer asked what he was doing
there.
The other farmer said "Well, he wanted to know what we did for kicks
so I told him about the three holes in the barn. Now the first one is
Bills' cat, the second is Frees' calf and the third is Teds' milking
machine, and it doesn't stop till it has two quarts."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Harris was motoring along a country road in his parish on a
spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire. Exasperated,
the priest stopped the car, got out, and assessed the damage. Luckily, a
4 wheel drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the
crippled car.
The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hulk of a
man. "Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a
hand?"
"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I
have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed on before."
"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it." And without
skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand
and removed the lug nuts from the bast of the flat tire with the other.
"Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?" he asked.
"Why... yes, of course, my son." stuttered the amazed Father
Harris. The priest rolled the spare around to the strongman, who casually
lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded
to tighten the lug nuts.
"Do you need the wrench?" the Father asked.
"I don't Know?" the fellow said, "These nuts are as tight as a nun's
cunt."
"Hmm..." mused Father Harris, "I'd better get the wrench..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A missionary was working with a cannibal tribe, trying to convert
them to Jesus.
One day the cannibal chief's wife gives birth to an albino baby.
Convinced the missionary had something to do with it, the chief comes
storming up to him yelling blue murder and ready to light the cooking
fire.
The missionary tries to calm him down:
"Listen chief, God works in mysterious ways; see all the white sheep
on the hill?"
"Yes"
"And see the one little black sheep?"
"The chief looks thunderstruck and turns to the missionary:
"OK, You no tell, I no tell!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wino scraped together five dollars, bought and downed two bottles
of Thunderbird, and passed out behind a hedge in a nearby park. Not long
afterwards a fag strolled by and noticed him. That's appealing, he
thought to himself, and he rolled the wino over and screwed him. It was
such a pleasurable experience that he tucked five dollars in the drunks
pocket an went on his way.
When the wino woke up he was amazed to find his pocket still had

Humor Digest - September 90

Sexual Jokes

money in it. Hurrying over to the liquor store, he proceeded to spend it
on wine and pass out in the same place, where the fag found him on his way
out to lunch. Quite delighted, he had another go and tucked another five
dollars in his pocket.
This time the wino could hardly believe his good fortune. Again he
got drunk and passed out, and again the fag found him and screwed him.
Unable to believe his good fortune, the grateful fag tucked twenty dollars
in the wino's pocket and went home.
When the wino came to, he pulled the twenty dollars out of his
pocket. Clutching it tightly, he staggered to the liquor store, and
beckoned to the clerk. "Hey, buddy, get me some good wine off the shelf,"
he instructed the clerk, "Cause this cheap stuff's murder on my
asshole..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The New York subway car was packed at rush hour. A woman hanging on
to an overhead strap turned to the man in back of her and snapped, "If you
don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm going to call a cop."
The man replied "It's only my pay-check envelope, miss," he said
smiling.
She replied "Yea? You must have one hell of a job cause that's the
fourth raise you've had in the past ten minutes."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three morticians were shooting the breeze at an undertaker's
conference and the subject came around to what each considered his
greatest achievement. Harry cleared his throat modestly and revealed that
he had once had to deal with the remains of a man who stepped on a hand
grenade. "It took me 3 days," he said proudly, "but it was an open casket
funeral.
"Not bad," conceded Jerry, "but listen to this: I got handed a
construction worker who'd been run over by a steamroller, and he was ready
for that open casket in 2 days."
"You guys got me beat," sighed Charlie. "My toughest case was a lady
parachutist who landed right on the Empire State Building. It took me 4
days to get the grin off her face..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends were talking and the second can't stand it anymore, so he
asks his buddy how he got two black eyes.
"Well... I was sitting in church, and this fat woman in front of me
had a dress on. We would kneel and then stand, kneel and stand. Every
time she stood up, the dress would get caught in her crack, so I reached
forward and released it for her. That's how I got the first black eye."
"How'd you get the other black eye?" asked his buddy. "The next time
we stood up, the dress didn't get caught, but I figured she liked it
there, so I put it back."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes to the pet store to look for a unique pet, and he walks
by a parrot. The parrot says "Hey mister buy me, buy me."
The guy say "Why would I want to buy a parrot?"
The parrot say, "I am a special parrot, I have no legs."
The guy says, "Well then how do you stay up on your perch?"
The parrot says, "I wrap my pecker around the perch to hold on." So
the guy feels bad that bird has no legs and buys him.
The next day when the guy comes home from work the parrot says, "Hey,
guess who came over today? The milk man..."

Humor Digest - September 90

Sexual Jokes

The guy says "So, its Tuesday, the milk man always comes on Tuesday."
The bird says, "Yea but he came in and removed your wifes' blouse."
The guys said, "Yeah, then what happened?"
The bird said, "Then he removed his shirt"
The guy said "Then what happened?"
The bird said, "Then he removed your wifes pants."
The guys said, "Then what happened?"
The bird said, "Then he removed his pants."
The guy said, "Then what happened?"
The bird said, "I don't know... I got a hard on, and fell off behind
the dresser."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman walks into her doctors office and says "You son of a bitch,
those hormones you gave me are just a little to strong. I've got hair
growing all over my tits!"
The doctor said, "Jeez, how far down does the hair go?"
The lady replies, "All the way down to my dick. And that's another
thing..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
70 year old man goes to a nudist colony to fulfill a lifelong dream.
Manager tells him it will cost him $800.00 to become a member. He screams
and hollers and says this is too much.
The manager tells him to go ahead and join the others outside clothes> and stay for the day and see if he enjoys it.
He disrobes and walks outside where he spots this gorgeous blond
woman. He becomes aroused and the woman immediately drops to her knees
and proceeds to pleasure him.
After she finishes he rushes back into the office and immediately
forks over the $800.00. He goes back outside and is standing there
watching a volleyball game when he drops his cigar. He bends over to pick
it up and a big burly man rushes over and plugs him from behind.
He runs back into the office and demands his money back.
The manager says, "Why? When you became aroused didn't the blonde
lady pleasure you? She, or another of the ladies out there will do it
anytime you are obviously aroused."
The old man says "Yeah, but I'm 70 years old. I become aroused maybe
once or twice a month, I'm liable to drop my cigar 5 or 6 times a day!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fifteen year old girl comes home from her date with her head in the
clouds and her mother asks how her date went. The girl dreamily replies
"I'm so in love!"
At this the mother started laughing and said to her daughter "You
don't even know what love is, give me a break."
The girl gets angry and says "I do to, love is when you suck your
boyfriends' dick and then let him fuck you up the ass!" This makes her
mother laugh even harder to the point where she is almost in tears. When
she can finally speak she says to her daughter "I knew you didn't know,
love is when you let him fuck you up the ass and then you suck his dick!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two young embalmers were working on a body that had just arrived that
day and when they took his pants off they discovered that he had the
biggest dick that either of them had ever seen. One of them called their
boss to come and see and the old man said,
"That's no big deal. I have one like that."

Humor Digest - September 90

Sexual Jokes

The young man said, "You mean your dick is as big as that?"
The old man said, "No, that dead!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was stranded on a desert island. One day as he was staring out
to sea, he began talking to himself: "Say, what is that out there? Is it
a boat? Yeah, I think it's a boat. I'll bet there a broad on it; a broad
with big tits, with nipples the size of my thumb, with a luscious, tight
pussy, with a round, red ass..."
By this time, he had developed a huge, throbbing erection. He
grabbed it and began to masturbate furiously, cackling, "Ha! Fooled you,
you bastard! There ain't no boat out there!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man with a two-inch prick walks into a whorehouse and drops his
pants in front of one of the girls. She said to him, "Who do you think
you're going to please with that little thing?"
And the man says, "Me!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's this farmer laying next to his wife in bed. He reaches over
and grabbed his wifes tits and said "If those things were milkable, I
could sell the cows honey!" Then he reaches his hand down and grabs her
pussy and says "If that could only lay eggs, I could get rid of the
chickens, dear!"
By this time she's enjoying herself but can't take his stupid remarks
anymore. She slides her hand down and grabs his dick and says "If this
would only get hard, I could get rid of your brother!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a whore house, slides up to the desk and says "I
want the best whore in the place."
The madam says "Well we have Jane she gives good head."
The man says "Naw that's too common."
The Madam says "We have Cindy she walks on all four and bay's at the
moon."
The man says "That's more like it but I hate the moon."
The Madam says "Well you forced me to do this but we have Hurricane
Gussy" The man was so intrigued by the name that he said "I'll take one of
those..."
The Madam say's "Go up to room 215 and get undressed the Hurricane
will be up in a few minutes..."
So the Man proceeds to room 215 where he gets undressed and into bed
and waits. About 10 minutes later a big, I mean big Amazon of a woman
comes into the room. She gets undressed and gets into bed next to the
man.
Suddenly she starts blowing in the mans ear and all over his body.
He says "What's that for?"
"Them's the winds that come with the hurricane."
Then she starts licking him all over his body.
Again he asks "What's that for?"
"Them's the waves lapping the shore from the Hurricane."
Suddenly she starts slapping him around with those size 54 tit's of
her's and the man asks once again "What are you doing?"
"Them's the coconuts falling off the trees in the hurricane."
Then for no apparent reason she sits up and pisses on him.
"What the hell are you doing?" screamed the man.
"Them's the warm tropical rains that come with the hurricane."

Humor Digest - September 90

Sexual Jokes

After hearing this the man jumps up get's dressed and starts to
leave.
Gussy asks him "Why are you leaving?"
He replies, "Who can fuck in weather like this?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mother Superior of an Irish convent hear a knock at the door and
went to answer it. When she opened the door, she saw two leprechauns
standing outside. One of the leprechauns took off his hat and said,
"Begging your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you be having any midget
nuns here?"
The Mother Superior said, "No, we have no midget nuns here."
The leprechaun, looking disturbed, said, "Are you quite sure, Mother
Superior?"
The Mother Superior said, "I know all the sisters, and I am quite
certain that there are no midget nuns here."
The leprechaun, now quite upset, asked, "Would you be knowing if any
other convent has midget nuns?"
The Mother Superior said, "To the best of my knowledge, there's not a
midget nun in the whole of Ireland."
The second leprechaun jabbed the first one in the ribs with his elbow
and said, "See? I told you that you were screwing a penguin!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The coach of the American soccer team tells the players that they
should abstain from sex for the next until after the big game. The next
day at practice no one shows up on time. The goalie wanders in an hour
late and informs the coach that the other players aren't showing up since
sex is their highest priority.
The coach is furious! "How do they expect to win if sex is more
important to them than soccer?" He asks the goalie how come he was the
only one who showed up for practice.
The goalie says "Don't you know goalies are allowed to use their
hands"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sixth grade class is taking sex-ed. The teacher pulls down a
picture of a naked lady and Paul raises his hand. Paul's not too bright
and the teacher doesn't like to call on him. She says "Ok Paul, what is
this?"
Paul says "That's a naked lady those are tits and that's a pussy!"
The teacher being quite steamed then pulls down a picture of a naked
man. Now both Scott and Paul raise their hand.
The teacher says, "Ok Scott what is this?"
Scott says "That's a naked man and that's a penis. My dad's got two
of those: a little one that he pees with, and a big one that he brushes
mommys' teeth with!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man in a bar was bragging that he could distinguish types of
wood by the smell. He explained that it was his job since he worked in a
lumberyard. The bartender made a wager with him and bet him a free beer
if he could identify different types of wood he had lying around.
The old blind man agreed and the bartender proceeded to get the
wood. The old man started sniffing the piece of lumber and said, "This is
Douglas fir pine and I would say it was cut anywhere from 2 to 6 months
ago."
"Why that's correct" exclaimed the bartender. I bought it 3 months

Humor Digest - September 90

Sexual Jokes

ago to build a bench in the back. Let's try for double or nothing.
So the bartender brought a piece of an old oak table and gave it to
the old blind man.
"Yep, this is oak, and I'd say it's about 20 years old or greater"
"Amazing!" shouted the bartender. "Let me test you one more time."
However, this time the bartender played a trick on the old man. He
went into the alley in back and picked up this old whore just lying
around. He put her up on the bar and spread her legs and told the old man
to take a whiff.
The old man sniffed and sniffed and stroked his chin for a while.
After some thinking, he told the bartender, "I don't rightly know the type
of wood this is, but the tuna boat this lumber came from let their cargo
spoil."
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Humor Digest - September 90

Poems

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMAZING SPACE
(From the Binary Bible Hymnal)

Amazing Space,
How sweet it is
To have a disk like thee,
My files were lost
But now they're found,
There's room on my PC

Amazing Space,
How neat it is
To hear the hard-disk whine,
And see the printer
Start to print
The files I know are mine.

Through many dangers,
Coils and wires,
I have already been,
'Tis Space that brought me
Safe this far
And space will save me again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ode to a Mammogram

For years and years they told me
"Be careful of you breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests."

So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by Law...
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.

After 40 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram
To look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close." she said,
as she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! There! That's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My boob was in a vice!

My skin was stretched -n- stretched
From way up by my chin,

Humor Digest - September 90

Poems

And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt
Within its vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe, and woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying
"Now lets get the other one,"
"Lord, have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done
to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one NOW...
If there had been a cyst in there
It would have popped --- Ker-Pow!

This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For months he'd go "without"!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - September 90

Clean Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of a peeping tom?

A: A window fan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a dozen and a half pigs in a pickup?

A: An eighteen squealer!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do cows wear bells?

A: Because their horns don't work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A: A flat miner!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get 1500 blue-haired old ladies to say "Damn!" at the same
time?

A: Yell "BINGO!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of endless love?

A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you know when you're drunk?

A: When you feel sophisticated, but can't pronounce it.
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Humor Digest - September 90

Ethnic Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a pimple on a Pollack's toe?

A: A brain tumor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a Mexican baptism?

A: Bean dip.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a fag spell relief?

A: No aids!
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Q: What will they call the first black test tube baby?

A: Janitor in a drum!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't Polish women breast feed their children?

A: It hurts too much to boil their nipples!
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Q: What is long, black, and stinks?

A: The lineup in front of the unemployment office.
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Q: What did the black lady get for using birth control?

A: A thousand dollars from Crime Stoppers!
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Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?

A: Lawyers get frequent flyer miles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you wreck a Pollacks' party?

A: Flush the punch bowl!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a on a water bed?

A: Lake Placid.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a favorite wine?

A: "You never take me anywhere"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an ethiopian with a fur hat and boots on?

A: A Q-Tip!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?

A: Blow a little boogie into it...
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Humor Digest - September 90

Gross Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?

A: Scratching at the inside of his coffin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do a necrophilic and a piece of gum have in common?

A: They both get hard in dead people's mouths.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the definition of Gross?

A: A cheerleader doing the splits and six Varsity rings fall out!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does Yoko Ono have in common with Ethiopians?

A: They both live off of dead Beatles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How come all the homosexuals were the first to get out of San Francisco
in the big quake?

A: They already had their shit packed!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's Grosser that Gross.

A: When a midget tells you your hair smells good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know why they don't circumcise Arabs?

A: So they will have a place to hide there gum during a sand storm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rabbit?

A: A dead rabbit with a two foot asshole!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you know when your into kinky sex?

A: When you get "Ken and Barbie in bondage" for your birthday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do nuns always walk in pairs?

A: So one nun can make sure the other nun don't get none!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How to cook toilet paper?

A: Lightly brown one side.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the masochistic girl say to her date?

A: "Slap... or I'll stop you!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get what you cross a prostitute with an elephant?

A: A 3/4 ton pickup.
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Humor Digest - September 90

Other Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Have you heard of the new Proctor & Gamble product?

A: Toxic shock absorbers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are three things that women can do that men can not?

A1: Bleed for a week and not die.
A2: Produce milk without eating grass.
A3: Bury a bone without digging a hole.
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Humor Digest - September 90

Sexual Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do soybeans & dildos have in common?

A: Both are a meat substitute.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between fish & meat?

A: If you beat your fish it would die.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you cure a case of "The crabs"?

A: First, you need 3 things:
1) Lighter Fluid
2) Matches
3) Ice Pick
Directions: Flood the infested area with lighter fluid. Ignite the
lighter fluid with a match (get your ice pick ready). If any crabs are
still alive, stab them with the ice pick as they are fleeing the fire.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree and a Gynecologist looks up
your family bush.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you give a rooster a cup of coffee?

A: A cock that stays up all night!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A fucking know-it-all who remembers you forever!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's red and has seven dents?

A: Snow White's cherry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A: Being fingered by Captain Hook!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?

A: Since he couldn't lick them, he thought he could join them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God create man?

A: Because vibrators can't mow lawns!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?

A: A 20 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you screw a fat girl?

Humor Digest - September 90

Sexual Question & Answer Jokes

A: Slap her thighs and ride the next wave in!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

A: Wipe it off and say you're sorry!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What lubricant do they use at orgies?

A: 3-in-1 oil.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What looks good behind a girls ears?

A: Her ankles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call oral sex at a national park?

A: Old Facefull!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do shepherds wear flowing robes?

A: Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a French woman hold her liquor?

A: By the ears.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call this? (Puff out your cheeks)

A: A Polish sperm bank.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call this? (Stick out your tongue)

A: A lesbian with a hard on.
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Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disorder In The Court!

Most language is spoken language, and most words once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of court
reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made
during the proceedings.

Court is now in session, and here are my favorite transquips, all
recorded by America's keepers of the word:

1) Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What is his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember
his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!

2) Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

3) Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the
fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.

4) Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.

5) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

6) Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
Q: What is your marital status?
A: Fair.

7) Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.

8) Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

9) Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by
Dr. Cheney and said he was really good.

10) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

11) Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.

12) Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at the time?
A: Attached to the ears.

13) Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

14) Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?

15) Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

16) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

17) Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

18) Q: Have you ever been arrested?
A: Yes.
Q: What for?
A: Aggravating a female.

19) Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

20) Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.

21) THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your mind if you have any.

22) Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him
to the station?
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.

23) Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior
to that time?

24) JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will
indicate for the record that I approached this case with a
completely open mind.

25) Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to
you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

26) Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

27) Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit
No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletecher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

28) Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you stop an
automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time?

29) Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
immediate end of my right leg.

30) Q: Have you ever beaten your wife?
A: No. I might slap her around a little, but I never beat her.

31) Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

32) Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the
son of a gun -- and she did.

33) Q: And another reason that you didn't want to go out there was because
you feared for your life?
A: Yes, I did.
Q: Why?
A: That's a rowdy neighborhood, and there are very, very bad persons
that will do bodily harm and seriously kill someone.

34) Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
A: On the seat.
Q: I meant where on the street.

Before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange involving a child:

35) Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O.K.?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The World According To Student Bloopers
by
Richard Lederer (St. Paul's School)

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you
will learn a lot.

1) The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in
the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah
is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas
of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the
Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a
range of mountains between France and Spain.

2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinnesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God
asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob was a
patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they
did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the
Israelites.

3) Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread without ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people
who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500
wives and 500 porcupines.

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

4) Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had
myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of
Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.
Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity,
in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man
of that name.

5) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

6) In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were
so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

7) Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March
murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero
was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.

8) Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops
before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canno- nized by
Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be
hanged twice for the same offense.

9) In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and
also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot
an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

10) The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human beings. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
bing excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's
interest in the femal nude that made him the father of the
Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention
was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world
with a 100-foot clipper.

11) The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When
Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted,
"hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

12) The greatedt writer of the Renaissance was William Shake- spear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloguy.
In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by
attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John
Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.

13) During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa
Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as
Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many
of the Indian heroes were killed along with their cabooses, which
proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.

14) One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere
was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the
peacocks crowing. Finally, the colo- nists won the war and no longer
had to pay for taxis.

15) Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to
Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread
under each arm. He invented electric- ity by rubbing cats backwards
and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.

16) George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the
people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

17) Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lin- coln's
mother dies in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
with his own hands. Wen Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall
silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln
wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to
Gettysburg on the back of an en- velope. He also freed the slaves by

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher
and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it
represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln
went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a
moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

18) Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

19) Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beetho- ven wrote music
even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took
long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

20) France was in a very serious state. The French revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song
of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came doen from the hills and nipped
Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was
tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

21) The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victo- ria was the
longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years
and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

22) The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invent- ed a code of
telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles
Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman
Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
brothers.

23) The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know it's gonna be a bad day when you're watching a live drug
bust on TV, and recognize your own house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baby Boom: Sound a baby makes when you throw it faster than the speed of
sound.

Warehouse: A person who, during a full moon, transforms into a building.

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

Thoroughbred: A carefully prepared loaf.

Sonic Screwdriver : A very loud drink made with Vodka and Orange Juice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Show Me...

1) Show me a famous surgeon and I'll show you a big operator.
2) Show me a singing beetle and I'll show you a humbug.
3) Show me a young lads bed and I'll show a boy cot.
4) Show me a violin maker and I'll show you a man with guts.
5) Show me a gang of beggars and I'll show you a ragtime band.
6) Show me a tall beachcomber and I'll show you a long shoreman.
7) Show me a arrogant insect and I'll show you a cocky roach.
8) Show me a swine in the rain and I'll show you a hogwash.
9) Show me filibustering senator and I'll show you a figure of speech.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
1,000 MISSING CHILDREN LOCATED...

They were being held prisoner, in a milk carton factory!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Drinker's Fault Finding Chart

1) Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction. Shirt front wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Correction: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.

2) Symptom: Drinking fails to satisfy and beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass empty.
Correction: Find somebody to buy another pint.

3) Symptom: You notice the wall is covered with ceiling tiles and there is
a fluorescent light strip on it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Correction: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your arm,
stay put. Or summon help and then lash yourself to the bar.

4) Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Correction: See above.

5) Symptom: You wake up to find the bed hard and you cannot see the
bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You are sleeping in the gutter.
Correction: Check your watch to see if the bar has opened yet. If not,
sleep in.

6) Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Correction: Turn glass other way; Point open end at ceiling.

7) Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Correction: Stand next to bar owner's dog. Complain about house-training

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

and demand pint as compensation.

8) Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Correction: Find somebody to buy another pint.

9) Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Correction: Ask if you're being carried to another pub. If not, complain
loudly thay you're being hijacked by the Salvation Army.

10)Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
Fault: The bar is closing.
Correction: Panic!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sign on bathroom doors at a marina labeled "INBOARDS" and "OUTBOARDS"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some Questions I Have...

1) Why do bad guys throw their empty guns at pursuing cops?
2) Why do they give old slow people drivers licenses?
3) Why do they have locks on the doors of 24 hour 7-11's?
4) If nothing sticks to teflon, how did they get the teflon to stick to
the pan?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ASCIIstrology
by: Al Gorithum

The 12 Sines of the Zerodiac
Your Technical Horoscope, as recorded in the Binary Bible

MARCH 21 TO APRIL 19 -- ARRAYS

You are an Arrays, and like to be the first in and last out. You
love to randomly access data files that are too large to be contained in
memory. You are always in a unique and meaningful pattern, so your
position is very clear. Sometimes you have a tendency to tie up the
processor with your own demands. A no strings relationship with a fast
paced co-processor is your idea of a good time. You are always ready to
be turned on.

APRIL 20 TO MAY 20 - TRANSFER

You are a Transfer and are extremely PC loving. You are fixed in
mind and prefer a large hard disk. Your office cubicle is usually filled
with plants. You will be the first in your department to have a hardwood
keyboard. You are a plotter and are seldom late for work. You tend to be
stubborn and resist making too many revisions in a document. Your
artistic nature makes a color monitor important to you.

MAY 21 TO JUNE 21 - GRAPHIC

You are a Graphic; to you the whole world is bit-mapped. You have
good memory, at least a megabyte in RAM. Your monitor has very high

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

resolution and your modem was 4800 baud when every one else was still at
1200. Your highly strung wiring makes you tend to short out easily. You
should learn to relax and avoid programming in BASIC, even though it comes
easy to you. Your data bases tend to be chaotic and unorganized. Take
better care of your peripherals, as you tend to neglect them.

JUNE 21 TO JULY 22 - CONSOLE

You are a Console and are sensitive and very receptive. You respond
to the emotions of others and tend to break down under stressful
situations. Consolians are generally worriers, full of glitches and
responsive to line noise. You like to stay in a safe, quiet corner of the
room, one that is free of dust and static. Sometimes you try to cover
your true appearance, especially on weekends when you prefer being alone.
Like the moon, you shine the brightest at night.

JULY 23 TO AUGUST 22 - LASER

You are a Laser that makes you special. People look to you with high
expectations. Your image is very distinctive. Yours is often the last
world. Your natural sense of proportion tells you what typeface is proper
for any occasion. Being a fixed sine, Lasers are slow. Many have fairly
good memories, but are slow at recalling an image. You tend to be a Bit
of a snob, looking down upon rough drafts as unacceptable. Though quick
to anger, you don't hold a smudge for long.

AUGUST 23 TO SEPTEMBER 22 - VIRTUAL

You are a Virtual, so having a good memory is important to you.
Everything is in its place in your hard disk and your desk top is neat and
tidy. You may even have separate cover for your mouse. Your overly
critical path can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Reserved, but
loving constant attention, you seek direct contact and seek immediate
results. You are especially interested in health care programs, and of
course, Accounting. You always seek new and different ways of doing
things.

SEPTEMBER 23 TO OCTOBER 22 - LIFO

You are always moving, restless, and are the last in and first out at
any social occasion, moving on quickly to the next impulse. You are a
master networker. LIFOs are well known for taking up one project after
another with great zeal and enthusiasm, only to move quickly on to
suddenly leave it and take up another. Thus you are often called the
Jack-of-all-trade-shows; master of none. You have a knack for working
with partners and enjoy hand-holding. You are known for your facility
with languages.

OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 21 - SECTOR

You are a Sector. You have very strong opinions about what goes
where. "Everything in its place" is your motto. A born leader and
soldier, you will often ask: "Do you want this disk initialized?" You
should avoid being overbearing and arbitrary. Sector people are usually

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

somewhat controversial and do not do things in half measures. You are
known for your IC stare. Remember, your sharp words can do or undo good
or bad, so try to avoid read/write errors.

NOVEMBER 22 TO DECEMBER 21 - SATELLITE

You are a Satellite, so you always aim high. Sometimes though, you
tend to look down on others when you should not. You have a photographic
memory. This makes you an excellent story teller with many levels of
meaning going on simultaneously. You have an appreciation for Eastern
thought, but always come around to see the other point of view. Your
fault is putting yourself above others. You sometimes forget that: "What
goes up must come down." You enjoy fast living but also have lofty
ideals.

DECEMBER 22 TO JANUARY 19 - CAPACITOR

You are a Capacitor and you know your own limits. Architecture is
very important to you. You are deep, prudent, firm and cautious. Often
unnoticed or appreciated, you still are persevering and relentless. Your
do or diode attitude seldom switches. You cling to life with great
TENacity. Capacitors work well alone but can be overbearing. Since your
power is often low, you must learn to conserve energy and use it wisely.

JANUARY 20 TO FEBRUARY 18 - ASYNCHRONOS

You are Asynchronos, which means you are often unORthodox. Your
standards are unique, ahead of their time and may not always be readily
accepted by others. Sincere and honest, you do not like half-duplex or
twisted-pairs. Strong in your own likes and dislikes, you will often
cling to the opinions of others once they are formatted. Your ideas are
radical but honest.

FEBRUARY 19 TO MARCH 20 -- PCs

You are a PC, so everyone finds you attractive. You are modest,
neat, a lover of order and completeness. You are submissive to others,
but still have independent processing ability. Sometimes you byte off
more than you can do. PCs are industrious and methodical and can be
trusted with secret information as they are very closed mouthed. Your
tendency to self-indulgence may lead to a downfall, though, especially in
complex social situations which require a great deal of networking. You
are overly fond of Hex, and should therefore make certain that your
monitor is shielded.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTES ACTUALLY RECEIVED BY TEACHERS AT SCHOOL VIA NOTES FROM HOME

1) Dear school; Please excuse John from being absent on January 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2) Please excuse Diana from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
3) Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
4) Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close
veins.

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

5) Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
6) Please excuse Raul from school yesterday. He had a stomach egg.
7) Robert could not come to school yesterday. He had a ball come in his
growing.
8) John has been absent because he has two teeth taken off his face.
9) Excuse Gloria, she has been under the doctor.
10) Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she has a going over.
11) My son is under the doctors care and should not take fizcal ed.
Please execute him.
12) Charles was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
13) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the
weekend with the Marines.
14) Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off
a tree and misplaced her hip.
15) Please excuse Ray Friday. He has very loose vowels.
16) Please excuse Blanch from jim today. She is administrating.
17) George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
18) Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
19) Please excuse Wayne for being out yesterday, because he had the fuel.
20) Please excuse Sarah for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.
21) Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
22) Mary Ann was absent December 11-16 because she has a fever, sore
throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother has a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACHTUNG!
Alles Touristen and Non-technischen Lookens Peepers!

Das machine control is nicht fur Gerfingerpoken, Mittengrabben,
Knobbentwisten, Buttonpushin, Dialenturnin, und Switchenthrowen. Oderwise
is easy to Schnappen der Spriggenwerk, Blowenfuze, and Poppencorken causen
das Spitzensparken, Sparkenflyen, Smokenrollen, und der Ownercussen. Der
machine is diggen by Experten only. Ist nicht fur geverken by das
Dumnkopfen. Das Rubbernecken Sightseenen sittenzi back, keepen das
cottenpicken hands in das pockets und watchen das Blinkenlight und hearen
das beepen noisen. Danke.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Scottish homosexuals: Ben Doon and Phil MacAvity
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
New lotto game in Texas...

The winner gets a dollar a year for a million years...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
For these jokes you will need a piece of paper or a blackboard.

1) write these lines: TTT (apple)
TTT (apple)
TTTFUCK (watermelon)

Show this to a person an relate this story. (draw an apple and
watermelon)

It was Ms. Johnson's first day at the new school. When she walked
in she saw this on the blackboard (point to the first line). She asked
her new class who wrote this on the board. Mary Jane raised her hand,
Ms. Johnson then asked what it meant. Mary Jane explained it means "To
The Teacher 1 apple." Ms. Johnson said, "That's adorable" and continued
class.
The next day, Ms. Johnson arrived in class and saw this on the
blackboard (point to the second line). Again she asked who wrote this on
the board and what it meant. Johnny raised his hand and explained that it
meant "To The Teacher 1 apple."
The next day Ms. Johnson walked into the classroom and saw this on
the board (point to third line) and almost fainted from shock. She
recovered and quietly asked the class who wrote this, from the back of the
class Leroy raised his hand. Ms. Johnson asked him to come up and
explain this. Leroy came up to the front of the class turned around and
said, "It means, To The Teacher From Us Colored Kids 1 Watermelon"

2) Write this on a piece of paper "FI FY FO" now show it to a person and
ask them to write then next line in a different order. Then have them
write it one more time and in a different order than the last line. They
will come up with something like this:

FI FY FO
FY FO FI
FO FI FY

Now have the person speak the lines, and then ask them what it means. If
they don't know tell them it's Mike Tyson's phone number.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the who:

1) Spend four days in Sears looking for wheels for a miscarriage?
2) Took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they had free
delivery?
3) Looked in a lumber yard for the draft board?
4) Put iodine on his paycheck because he got a cut in pay?
5) Was so lazy he married a pregnant woman?
6) Was feeling so low he got his face slapped?

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

7) Wouldn't go out with his wife because he heard she was married?
8) Thought his typewriter was pregnant cause it missed a period?
9) Wore a union suit because his wife was having labor pains?
10) Thought the expression "No kidding" meant birth control?
11) Who smelled good only on the right side because he didn't know where
to buy Left Guard?
12) Studied for five days for a urine test?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Gross Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy Mommy...

"Mommy Mommy, Why can't we bury the puppy?"
"Shut up, and keep flushing!"

"Mommy Mommy, why are we out in this boat?"
"Shut up and tie the concrete blocks back on your feet!"

"Mommy Mommy, why can't we get a garbage disposal?"
"Shut up and keep chewing!"

"Mommy Mommy, why is Daddy running so fast?"
"Shut up and reload!"

"Mommy, Mommy, I don't want hamburgers."
"Shut up and stick your hand back in the grinder."

"Mommy, Mommy, what's a transvestite?"
"Shut up, Billy, and put on your dress."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following may help Parents better understand their youngsters'
school report card.

1) Satisfactory progress... I can't think of a single interesting
thing about him/her.
2) A born leader... Mafia "Godfather" type.
3) Easy going... Bone idle.
4) Lively nature... Thoroughly disruptive.
5) Good progress... If you think present work is bad, you
should have seen it a year ago.
6) A sensitive child... Never stops whining.
7) Helpful... Ass kisser.
8) Reliable... Grasses on his mates.
9) Co-operative... Teacher's pet.
10) Adventurous... Could break his neck before the year
is over
11) Has difficulty forming
stable relationships... I can't stand him/her either.
12) Self confident... Cheeky little bastard.
13) Good at contact sports... Thug.
14) Fond of music... Anything to get out of work.
15) Suffers from minor ailments... Truants regularly.
16) Friendly... Never shuts up.
17) Easily distracted... Hasn't produced a decent piece of
work all year.
18) Works best in small group... I dare not take my eyes off him/her.
19) Imaginative... Careless with the truth.
20) Needs encouragement... Thick as a brick.
21) Expresses himself clearly... Swears like a trooper.
22) Keen to do well... Egotistical.
23) Work is of a high standard... Has ambitious middle-class parents.
24) Does not easily
accept authority... Potential criminal.
25) Is easily upset... Spoiled rotten.
26) Often appears tired... Stays up until all hours watching
late movies, or is into glue sniffing.
27) Good at practical activities...Illiterate.
28) A rather solitary child... Has B. O. or nits.
29) Clever with his hands... Light fingered.
30) Independent minded... For "independent" read "bloody."
31) Enjoys extra-curricular
activities... Flogs fags and dope.
32) Determined... Completely lacking all scruples.
33) Inclined to day dream... In one ear and out the other.
34) A good sense of humor... Teases other kids unmercifully.
35) Enjoys all P. E. activities... Muscle bound moron.
36) Reads well aloud... In love with his/her own voice.
37) A quiet child... Lacks self confidence and initiative.
38) Easily influenced... The class fall guy.
39) Popular with classmates... Brings in dad's girlie magazines.
40) A vivid imagination... Never short of an excuse.
41) An inquisitive mind... Caught playing "Doctors and Nurses."
42) Forging his way steadily

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Stuff

ahead... Cheats all the time.
43) Is dyslexic... Blind as a bat.
44) Artistic... Exponent of graffiti.
45) Likes to proceed in
his own way... Mulishly obstinate.
46) Open to suggestion... No mind of his own.

A further note to parents:
DO NOT allow your childs' grandparents to read this!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
TIME FLIES... When your in a coma!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that the French are planting trees along the Champs De
Elysee in Paris? Why? Because the Germans like to March in the Shade.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's sunday and the Priest calls in sick. Unfortunately there is no
one else to come in, so the poor guy has no choice but to come in feeling
bad. The alter boy decides to help ease the pain by putting a bit of
vodka in the holy water. The Priest thanks the boy, and in the end
completes the service feeling quite refreshed.
After the sermon the grand bishop hands him a note:

Dear John,

1) Sip, do not gulp the holy water.
2) The cross is not the big T.
3) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with a cherry!"
4) David did not "Beat the shit out of Goliath!"
5) It's a "Taffy pulling contest at St. Peters." Not a "Peter pulling
contest at Taffys."
6) The Father, Son and the Holy ghost is not "The Dork the Brat and the
Spook!"

Thank you, The Grand Bishop
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It gets so dry in West Texas most summers, you can't tell whether
dogs are breeding or just trying to prime each other so they can piss on
the tree.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A proctologist goes to write a prescription. He pulls a thermometer
out of his pocket, looks at it and exclaims "Dang it, some asshole has my
pen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
MOUSE BALLS

(This text ACTUALLY came out of an IBM service database. Of course it is
referring to the rubber ball inside a computer mouse...)

Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS F.R.U. (Field Replacement Unit)

Text: Mouse Balls are now available as a F.R.U. If a mouse fails to
operate or should perform erratically, it may be in need of ball replace
replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only.
Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining
the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder
than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the
pop-off method and domestic balls replaced using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately.
It is recommended that each serviceman have a pair of balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
necessary functional items.
P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the Garden of Eden, Adam was a fast-food salesman, and Eve was a
carpenter. Know how I know? She made Adam's hot dog stand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex is like a poker game... You give in when you find out she has a
nice pair and fold when you're done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
GUY #1: I believe all women should only masturbate with these two
fingers! (Holds up first 2 fingers)
GUY #2: Why is that?
GUY #1: Because they're mine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another meaning for A.I.D.S. "Ass Infected! Don't Screw."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Official Sex IQ Test
State whether the following is true or false.

1) A Clitoris is a type of flower.
2) A Pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
3) A Vulva is a Swedish automobile.
4) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
5) A Fallopian Tube is part of a TV set.
6) It is dangerous to have a wet dream while sleeping on an electric
blanket.
7) Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
8) Fellatio is an Italian dessert.
9) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

Humor Digest - September 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

10) A G String is found on a violin.
11) Semen is another word for sailors.
12) Anus is the Latin for yearly.
13) Testicles are found on an octopus.
14) Cunnilingus is a person who speaks four languages.
15) Asphalt describes rectal trouble.
16) KOTEX is a radio station in Texas.
17) Masturbate is used to catch a large fish.
18) Coitus is a musical instrument.
19) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
20) An Umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
21) A condom is an apartment complex.
22) When you miss a period you can use a Semi Colon.
23) Vas Deferens is black slang for greatly dissimilar.
24) An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church.
25) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
26) The Labia Majora is a mountain range in Argentina.
27) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
28) An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government.
29) Premature ejaculation occurs when a paratroopers parachute opens too
soon.
30) A Lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
31) Pornography is the business of making record albums.
32) Genitals are people of non Jewish origin.
33) A phallus is a story that isn't true.
34) An enema is someone who is not your friend.
35) Douche is the Italian word for twelve.
36) Ovaries area French dish made with eggs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the lesbians that started a contracting company?

They don't use studs... everything is tongue and groove!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - September 90

Clean Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this couple who were running late preparing for the big
party, and it just so happened that the husband had on a pair of trousers
that had a buttoned fly, one button of which had come off and needed
sewing.
The wife simply did not have the time to tend to it so she suggested
he run across the street to have her lady friend take care of the matter.
And so he did.
A little bit later he came back with the button sewn on all right,
but he was terribly beaten up.
"Good grief! What in the world happened to you! You just went over
there for the button to be sewed on, and now look at you!"
"Well, when I told her what I wanted done she said to take a seat and
that it would just take her a second. So I sat down and she began sewing
on the button. Everything was just going along just fine until she bent
over to bite off the thread and her husband came in the door."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman comes home to her husband, traps him in the bedroom, and
says, "Take off my blouse."
He does so.
Then she says, "Take off my skirt."
Which he does.
"Take off my panties, my stockings, my bra, everything!"
And he complies.
"Now, "she strictly says to him, "If I catch you wearing any of my
things again I'll divorce you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The saleswoman watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror.
"I adore this dress!" bubbled the girl. "It's absolutely perfect!
I'll take it!"
Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully, "But in case my mother
likes it, can I bring it back?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady, about seven months pregnant, got onto a streetcar and sat
down upon which she noticed the man opposite her smiling. Feeling
humiliated, she changed her seat.
This time his smile turned into a grin, so she changed her seat
again. The man seemed more amused than ever, so again she moved, and
immediately the man burst into laughter.
Feeling highly insulted the woman complained to the conductor who had
the man arrested.
The case came up in court and the judge asked the man if he had
anything to say, whereupon the man replied:
"Well your honor, it was this way. When the lady got on the car I
could not help but notice her condition, which in itself did not amuse me
a bit, but when she sat down under a sign that read "THE GOLD DUST TWINS
ARE COMING," I had to smile.
Then when she moved and sat down under another sign which read
"SLOANS LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THAT SWELLING," I was forced to grin.
Then she got up and moved under a sign that read "WILLIAMS STICK DID
IT!" I thought that was about the limit.
The final straw was when she got up again and moved under the sign
which read "GOODYEAR RUBBER WOULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT," I just
lost control of myself!"

Humor Digest - October 90

Clean Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this guy who was almost late for his written English exam
because he had to stop at the school's book store to pickup a Blue Book.
Anyway, he makes it to class just in time to hear the prof's
instructions; "You all will have 1 hour for this exam. When the buzzer
sounds stop writing and bring your exam booklet to the front of the room
and place them on my desk. You may begin."
Well, an hour had passed and the buzzer sounded. All exam booklets
where placed on the prof's desk except our friend's booklet; he continued
working beyond the time limit.
When he finally finished, he walked up to the prof's desk and asked,
"Would you please except my booklet sir?"
Naturally, the prof said no.
The guy then looks the prof straight in the eye and with an confident
smurk asked, "Do you know who I am?"
"No." said the prof.
"Good!" responses the guy. He then lifts half the stack of exam
booklets on the desk, shoves his booklet between the stack, and takes off
running.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man with a very deep and husky voice goes into a doctor's office to
find out a way to raise it a little. He learns that his long penis is the
cause.
The doctor suggests that the only way to solve the problem is to take
a section out of the middle, and graft the remaining parts together.
After reassurance that this will not affect his sex life, the man agrees.
Months after the operation, he goes back to the doctor and asks,
"What do you do with the sections that you take out?"
The doctor replies in a deep husky voice, "Oh, we make good use of
them!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Somewhere I read a story of a woman who wanted a divorce. She went
to the courthouse and appeared before the judge. The judge reviewed her
petition and asked, "Do you have grounds?"
The woman looked at him quizzically and said, "Grounds? Well, yes,
your Honor, we do have about an acre and a half."
"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge?"
The bewildered woman replied, "No, we just have a carport."
The judge was becoming frustrated. "You're not getting the point,"
he said. "Does he beat you up?"
The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 and he doesn't get up until
7:00."
The judge was exasperated. He looked at the woman and asked "Look,
lady, why are you here? What reason do you have for wanting a divorce?"
The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication
problem."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came
upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the
curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of
heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were

Humor Digest - October 90

Clean Jokes

right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you
know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000
Shekels on Goliath'."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This skydiver made his fifty-second jump, and when he pulled his
ripcord, nothing happened.
"Damn!" he yelled, and pulled his reserve chute ripcord. Nothing
happened.
"Well, dammit," he said, "if this is my last fall, I'm going to enjoy
it!"
So, he was just grooving on the familiar sensations of the ground
rushing up and the wind against his face, when suddenly he saw a figure
rising up from the ground towards him. As it got closer, he saw that it
was a man with a burnt match in his hand. The man reached the top of his
arc and started to fall alongside the skydiver.
"Hey!" the skydiver yelled. "You know anything about parachutes?"
"No," the newcomer yelled back. "Do you know anything about propane
stoves?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Jewish grandmother was terribly proud of her four-month-old
grandson, so she took him with her down to Miami Beach. The first morning
she got him all decked out, and down they went to the beach, where she set
him by the shore to play. But no sooner had she sat down in her beach
chair than a huge tidal wave rose up and swept the baby away.
"God," she said, standing up and shaking her fist at the sky, "You
aren't very nice! Here was this little baby boy, who has been out of his
mothers womb for barely four months. We haven't even had time to get to
know him or give him a happy life."
In another instant the wave returned, setting the infant down
unharmed on the sand.
The grandmother looked him over, looked right back at the sky, and
snapped, "He had a hat!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the fabled Kotiki city of glass, a group of 'anthropologists' came
to visit. The King got word of this, and realized that these
'anthropologists' were there just to steal rare Kotiki artifacts that they
could to sell to museums back in America.
He was determined to keep his prized gold throne from American hands
at all costs so he had the throne taken from his palace and dragged by
slave-laborers to his fantastic Tower of Glass in the hills, where the
thieves would never come upon it.
Unfortunately, the Americans stumbled upon the Tower of Glass, and
easily saw the huge throne behind the transparent walls of the building.
They stole it that night and made off.
The next day, the King was furious, asking his advisors how such a
theft was possible.
"Well, great King," explained an advisor, "you shouldn't stow thrones
in glass houses!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

Ethnic Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met my friend Louie the other day and said to him, "Hi, Louie!"
He says, "Man, don't you never call me Louie again. From now on you
call me Lucky Louie."
I says, "Ok, Lucky Louie it is, but why?"
He says, "Man, I was walking down the street the other day, and a
piano they was hoisting up to the third story window come loose from its
rope and smashed down right behind me. If I'd been three feet back, I'd a
been mashed to hamburger. So you call me Lucky Louie."
So I met him again the other day and says to him, "Hi ya Lucky
Louie!"
He says to me, "Man, don't you never call me Lucky Louie again! From
now on, you call me Lucky Lucky Louie."
I says to him, "Ok, Lucky Lucky Louie it is, but why?"
He says, "Man, I was walking across the street the other day, and
this jerk in his car, he comes around through the red light, and he
doesn't see me, and runs right through the street in front of me. If I'd
a been three feet earlier, I'd a been mashed to hamburger. So from now on
you call me Lucky Lucky Louie."
Again I met the guy and says to him, "Hi ya, Lucky Lucky Louie!"
And, as you can guess, he again says to me, "Man, don't you never
call me Lucky Lucky Louie again. From now own you call me Lucky Lucky
Lucky Louie."
And so like an idiot, I ask him, "Ok, why should I call you now Lucky
Lucky Lucky Louie?"
And he says to me, "Man, the other night me and the lady, we were
getting it on there on her sofa there in the living room, and all of a
sudden, her chandelier gets loose from the ceiling and falls down and hits
me right in the butt! I had to go to the hospital and get me three
stitches!"
"Now wait a minute, you want me to call you Lucky Lucky Lucky Louie
because you got three stiches on your butt?"
"Yeah, man, cause if that chandelier had fallen just five minutes
earlier, it would have busted my head!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time a young man went to consult his family physician for
a singular medical problem. When he went to stool he passed a tremendous
amount of gas that came out in a long puff of sound. To be blunt, when he
farted the gas made a long and deep sound like a basso profundo singing
the word 'HONDA.' It sounded just like his anus was advertising a line of
japanese automobiles.
The doctor stated that this was indeed a very strange ailment, and
being a general practitioner, sent the young man to a gastrointerologist
The specialist was equally puzzled, but realizing that the sound was
japanese in tone, said that he had a colleague who had graduated from the
university of Tokyo medical school who had excellent credentials in the
field of gastrology and would like to have him examine the patient.
The man went to see the japanese doctor who, right off the bat said,
"Open your mouth."
The patient said, "But doc, it's my anus that is giving me the
problem."
The japanese doctor said, "I know that, but open your mouth."
After a cursory examination of the mouth the japanese doctor told the
patient he had an abscessed tooth and to go to a dentist and have it

Humor Digest - October 90

Ethnic Jokes

removed.
The young man thought the doctor was nuts because he had no trouble
with his teeth and also figured that his teeth had nothing to do with his
anus, but he was desperate so he went to the dentist.
The dentist x-rayed his mouth, found the abscessed tooth, yanked it
out and sent the young man on his way. Afterwards his anus stopped
singing "HONDA."
He went back to his doctor and told him of his strange experience.
His doctor went to the doctor from Japan and asked him what a bad
tooth had to do with a singing anus.
The japanese doctor said, "It was very simple. In Japan we all know
that 'with abscess the fart goes Honda.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A good-looking woman passed by this Indian and he raised his right
hand and said, "Chance."
The woman stopped for a moment, then said, "Wait a minute. I've read
about Indians before, you're supposed to say 'How'."
To which the indian replied, "I already know how lady, I just want a
chance!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man from the old country who had struggled up from
poverty and became a millionaire. He started out as a boy selling hotdogs
for five cents apiece out of a buggy and forty years later he was the
largest meat packer in the area.
He had a factory seven blocks long, five blocks wide and seven
stories high. He had a wife who was better than a thousand dollar a night
woman in bed and she could cook better than Oscar of the Waldorf. He
lived like a king and wanted for nothing.
This man was Ginsburg, the meat packer. The only fly in his soup was
his dumb son Donny. The dumb shmuck of a son did not graduate high school
until he was 26 years old. He was really stupid.
The old man was bound and determined that Donny would have a college
degree. So Ginsburg bought a university, bribed the professors to teach
the kid how to be successful at cheating on examinations and hired tutors.
Finally, when the kid was 44 years old he called old man ginsburg from
school and told his old man that he finally graduated and got his degree.
The old man was thrilled and said, "Come home fast. I have a real
big surprise for you."
Donny answered, "It probably ain't nothing. No big deal, but I am
coming home."
As soon as Donny came home Ginsburg drove him to the packing plant
and pointed to the roof. There stood a neon sign three blocks long and
four stories high and it said in real big letters, 'GINSBURG AND SON MEAT
PACKING COMPANY.'
The old man said "You're now a partner. You like this?"
Donny answered, "That ain't nothing. No big deal."
The old man was dismayed at the attitude of his son but said nothing.
Ginsburg took Donny into the main office suite where there was money
laying all over the floor. Clerks were scooping the money up with snow
shovels, baling it like waste paper, weighing the bales of money on big
scales and putting the bales on dump trucks to take it to the bank.
The old man said, "You are a partner now. It's all half yours. You
like this?"
Donny said, "This ain't much. No big deal."

Humor Digest - October 90

Ethnic Jokes

Ginsburg began to boil but said nothing and took Donny on a tour of
the plant. He showed him a machine five blocks long. At one end cowboys
were driving whole herds of cattle into the machine. At the other end of
the machine out came chops, roasts, steaks, leather shoes and coats,
belts, and soupbones. Furthermore, everything was neatly packaged in
saran wrap and priced. The old man said, "I designed and built this
machine and it is standard in the industry now. It cost me forty million
dollars. Its half yours now. You like this?"
Donny answered, "No big deal. It ain't very much."
The old man was ready to boil over but said nothing.
They came to the next machine and it was six blocks long. At one end
men were dumping whole truckloads of pigs into a funnel that was four
stories high. Five blocks down was coming out all kinds of sausages.
Smoked, salted, pickled, raw, skinless and fresh. Italian, polish,
kosher, all kinds and in any size and shape and all were neatly packed,
labeled and priced.
The old man said, " I just designed this and built it myself. It
cost me sixty million bucks and we are now the only ones in the world that
have one like this. You are a partner. It is half yours. You like
this?"
His son said, "No big deal. This ain't nothing. Why don't you
reverse it so you can put in sausages and get live pigs."
This was it for Ginsburg, his pot finally boiled over and he blurted
out to his son, "Only your mother has such a machine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two brothers died. The one who had been good all his life went to
Heaven, and the bad one went to Hell.
The good brother was bored stiff in Heaven, and decided to look down
and see how his brother in Hell was doing. To his amazement, he saw his
bad brother with one arm around a beautiful woman, and the other hand
holding a whiskey bottle.
The good brother went to St. Peter and asked why his brother, who
had been bad all his life, was having such a good time, while he was bored
stiff in Heaven.
St. Peter replied; "Things are not always what they seem. The
bottle has a hole in it, the woman doesn't."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gentleman, upon boarding his plane for his flight to Chicago, found
himself seated beside the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen.
A conversation began between the two, and she revealed that she held
a doctorate in Anthropology, and that she had studied all over the world.
She told the gentleman that her studies revealed that American
Indians had the largest penises, and that the Jews were the best lovers.
As they fastened their seat belts prior to landing in Chicago, the
gorgeous woman stated. "We have talked all the way here, and I don't even
know your name."
The gentleman replied, "Tonto Horowitz."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man and his decrepit wife were touring Louisiana in their
Pace Arrow. They pulled into a rural gas station where they were greeted
by the attendant.
"What do you need?" he asked.
"Fill up," said the old man.
"HUH?" asked the wife.

Humor Digest - October 90

Ethnic Jokes

"He said what do we need!" answered the man loudly so that his
somewhat deaf wife could hear.
While the gas was pumping, the attendant asked the old man if he
would like the windshield cleaned.
"HUH?" asked the wife.
"He asked if we wanted the windshield washed!" answered her husband.
Making small talk while he wiped the windshield, the attendant asked
the old man where they were from.
"Alabama," he answered. The attendant said, "I had the worst piece
of ass in my life in Alabama."
"HUH?" asked the wife.
"He said he thinks he knows you!" exclaimed the husband.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the guy who spilled hot coffee on his pecker on the
morning of his wedding. He made an emergency appointment with the doctor,
who constructed a box-splint for it out of tongue depressors.
That night, his bride, a complete virgin, was slowly undressing.
"Look, dear," she said as she slowly undid her bra. "Never before seen by
the eyes of man...."
She slowly unpeeled her panty hose. "None have ever been where
you'll be tonight!" And so on...
Eventually, he was getting pretty sick of this. He pulls down his
shorts and says, "That's nothing. Look at this... Still in the original
carton!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife was after her husband to get her a new car. Finally he got
tired of it and said, "Ok, let's compare chests, and see who has the most
hair, and whoever has the most can decide about the car."
"Fine," said his wife, "you go first."
He took off his shirt and revealed a chest covered with curly little
hairs. "Now, it's your turn," he said.
His wife pulled up her dress and pulled down her panties.
"That ain't your chest," said the husband.
"Oh, yes it is," said the wife. "Before we were married it was your
hope chest, and now that we're married it's your tool chest, and if you
don't get me that new car real soon it's going to be the community chest."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his dick is developing a
bend in the middle.
So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his
office to report the results.
"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"
"Why, yes," replied the man.
"And did you have sex while over there?"
The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."
The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was
afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this
country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"
The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"
"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but
you must have an operation."
"An operation? What kind of operation?"
"We cut off your penis."
"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"

Humor Digest - October 90

Ethnic Jokes

The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious
nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"
The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same
story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment.
He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to
recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested
that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there,
as the Asian doctors might know more about it.
Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong,
where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most
eminent physician.
After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered
the examining room.
"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.
"Yes."
"And is it really incurable?"
"Yes, there is no known cure."
The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to
have an operation? Will they have to cut off my dick?"
At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter.
"What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?"
As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out,
"Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they
can think of is surgery!"
"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.
"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by
itself!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

Gross Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pope walked into this hotel in Las Vegas and walked up to the
desk to check in. The clerk said" I don't believe it, it's Elvis
Presely!"
The Pope replied," No, No it's me the pope. See my white robes."
The clerk said," Oh yes I see, sorry." and gave him his keys.
The bellboy came over to get the Popes bags and said "Oh my God it's
Elvis Presely, I don't believe it. I knew you were alive!"
The Pope chuckled and said, "No, no my son. I'm the Pope Gods
representative on earth. See my pointed hat and white robes."
"Oh yes, I see," said the bellboy and took his bags up to the Popes
room.
When the Pope got to his room and opened his door he saw a naked lady
lying on his bed. The naked lady looked at the Pope and shouted, "Elvis
Presely, it's Elvis Presely!"
The Pope said, "A one for the money, two for the show..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the night of the masked ball, a woman developed a migraine and
told her husband to go alone. Later she felt better, so she got into her
costume, which her husband had never seen. When she arrived and saw her
spouse prancing around with one woman after another, she decided to get
even.
Seductively, she whispered sweet nothings in his ear and after a long
embrace lured him to the garden for a little bump in the bushes.
Just before midnight, when everyone was to unmask, the woman slipped
away and returned home. Her husband didn't arrive until 3 a.m.
"How was the party?" she asked.
"Dull," he said.
"Did you dance much?"
"To tell the truth," her husband replied, "when I got there I saw
that Pete, Bill and Fred were stag, too, so we went into the den and
played poker."
"You played cards all night?" she shrieked.
"Yeah," he told her. "I gave my costume to Charlie. He said he had
the time of his life."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fags are driving down Academy Blvd when they have to stop
suddenly for a red light. This causes their car to be hit from behind by
a pickup from Texas (gun rack and rifle in the rear window, rebel flag
stickers, etc.)
The fag driver gets out and runs back to the truck and says in a
faggy voice "I'll sue you, I'll sue you, you big idiot!"
The redneck leans out the window and says in a thick Texas drawl "Why
don't you kiss my ass?"
So the fag runs back to his car and tells his friend, "Good news,
good news! We're going to settle out of court!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
While having a few drinks one night Benny told all of his mates that
he could fart to any kind of tune they could throw at him! He then told
them that he would do it in an hours time...
They all started taking bets for and against what the guy had said.
After one hour the guy stood up, lowered his pants, and crapped in the
corner.
Everyone in the place started to boo him and they all called him a

Humor Digest - October 90

Gross Jokes

bluff.
Benny then held up his hands and said "Hold on a minute. Even Caruso
had to clear his throat before he sang!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this man named Alan and he was always coming home drunk to
his wife Mary. She would hit him about the head and shoulders and was
generally mean to him.
So one day Mary went to the counselors office.
"What should I do?" she asked.
"Well" said the counselor, "Why don't you overlook his small problem,
try to be nice to him."
"I'll guess I'll give it a try Doc." Mary thanked him and went home.
The next night Alan passed out on the front porch and Marry went to
greet him.
"Come on Alan you must be cold." she said, as she proceeded to carry
him into the house and lay him on the sofa.
"Here let me get you a nice cup of coffee." she murmured as she slunk
off into the kitchen.
When she came back she was wearing a slinky little nightgown and
carrying a steaming cup of coffee.
Mary comes over to him and whispers into his ear, "Alan let's go to
bed."
Alan replied, "Might as well, I'm gonna catch hell when I get home
anyway."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was
nursing a king sized hangover and asked his wife June, "What the hell
happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss."
replied June.
"Piss on him." answered Barry.
"You did," said June, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him." said Barry.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman comes running off the links into the pro shop screaming and
crying.
The golf pro asks her what's wrong.
She tells him that she was stung by a bee on the course.
He asks her where she was stung and she says "Between the first and
second holes."
"Well," the pro says, "it sounds to me like your stance is a little
too wide."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

Other Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mildred came back from her annual check up with her doctor in an
unusually good mood, and her husband asked her what had made her day.
Mildred said, "The doctor told me that I have the breasts of an
eighteen year old."
To which her husband responded, "What did he say about your forty-six
year old ass?"
Milly retorted "He didn't say a word about you!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mickey and Minnie Mouse had just about had enough of each other and
decided to get a divorce.
They went to see the divorce lawyer and he said, "Why don't you go
talk to a marriage counselor before you do something this drastic."
So, they made an appointment with the marriage counselor and arrived
bright and early at his office the very next day.
Mickey went into the doctor's office first while Minnie sat in the
waiting room. He talked to the doctor for a few minutes, then the doctor
said for Mickey to wait outside and send Minnie in.
The doctor and Minnie talked for over an hour when finally the doctor
asked Mickey to come back in.
"Mickey," said the counselor, "I can understand how she might
irritate you, with her shrill little voice and not-so-great looks, but I
just don't understand how you can say she's crazy."
"Doctor," replies Mickey, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was
fucking Goofy!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women are sitting on the front stoop, passing the time, when
Mildred speaks up: "Dammit, my husband came home with a dozen roses. I'm
gonna have to spend all weekend with my legs apart in the air."
"Why?" asks her friend. "Don't you have a vase?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This large football players' big toe was hurting really bad, so he
went to see the doctor. The doctor inspected the toe and told the jock
that he would have to run a series of tests.
After checking the results of the tests the doctor explained to the
jock that he was suffering from a severely infected toe and that he also
had A.I.D.S.
"But doctor that's impossible!"
"I'm sorry," the doctor said, "but our test are completely reliable."
"But you don't understand," replied the jock, "I've never had a blood
transfusion, never used drugs intravenously, and every time I see a
homosexual, I kick him in the ass!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and woman had not had sex for a long time. The man simply
stated that he was 'too tired from work.'
Well, one night, the woman couldn't stand it any longer and when the
man came home, she led him to the bedroom, took off her clothes and said,
"Make me feel like a woman!"
So the man took off his clothes, threw them on the floor and said,
"Wash these bitch!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A well-known N.F.L. quarterback went into a local bar and soon set
his sights on a striking young woman. He boasted of his passing
statistics, his running ability and his superb physical condition.

Humor Digest - October 90

Other Jokes

Finally persuading her to go back to his hotel room, he crowed "You,
young lady, are about to see what two hundred and fifteen pounds dynamite
looks like."
In the room, he got her a drink, then excused himself. "When I come
back, honey, you're going to see two hundred and fifteen pounds of
dynamite."
As he emerged from the bathroom stark naked, the woman jumped to her
feet and ran out the door, screaming hysterically.
A security guard heard the commotion and came running. "What's the
matter, miss?" he asked.
"Back in the room six ninety-one," she gasped, "There's two hundred
and fifteen pounds of dynamite with a two inch fuse!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A coal miner went to his doctor with a terrible pain in his penis.
The doctor asked the man to lower his trousers; which the man did.
The doctor then pulled back the mans foreskin and found a two big wads of
chewing gum.
"What's this chewing gum doing here?" the doc asked.
"Well," the miner says, "it's really dirty in them mines, and I've
got a friend who's Jewish and he has nowhere to put his gum, so I just
tuck his and my gum under my foreskin."
"Isn't that a bit unhygenic?" says the doctor.
"Yeah, I suppose that's true," says the miner, "we could get our gum
mixed up."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a man is walking through the desert and spots a naked Indian
laying down with an erection. He goes up to him and asks him what he is
doing.
The Indian replies, looking at his penis, "Hum, me telling time."
The man snickers and says "What time is it?"
The Indian says "1:30"
The man pulls out his pocket watch and sure enough it is 1:30
The man continues to walk on and spots another naked Indian with an
erection.
He stops and says, "I guess you are telling time also."
The Indian raises his head, looks at his penis, and says "It 3:40"
The man pulls out his watch and sure enough it is 3:40
He continues on walking and this time he spots another Indian
squatted down, and masturbating.
The man walks up and says, "Just what are you doing?"
The Indian replies, "Me winding watch"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy sees his doctor about his weight condition.
His doctor tells him, "You'd be in much better health if you'd drop
about 100 pounds."
The poor guy turns white at the prospect of enough exercise and
dieting to lose 100 pounds, that is until his doctor says "Actually, I
know this new technique for weight loss. It involves sex. I know of this
sporting-house where you could get this treatment..."
So the guy goes over to the place and talks to the Madam about weight
loss.
She asks "How much do you want to lose?"
He's still a little frightened by the concept of losing 100 pounds,
so he says "Twenty pounds."

Humor Digest - October 90

Other Jokes

She says "Go into the first door on the right."
He goes, and there's this amazing woman in there in an extremely
minimal jogging outfit.
"Run!" she says, "If you catch me you can fuck me!" She then takes
off, and he wildly runs after her. After a long, frustrating, tiring
chase, he nabs her, and has a wonderful time. When he gets back home, he
weighs himself, and presto, 20 pounds lighter!
So he goes back again, but this time he says "Heck, let's lose the
whole shebang at once!" He walks up to the Madam and says "This time I
wanna lose 80 pounds!"
She says "OK, if you're sure, then go into the very last door on the
left."
He does this and behind the door is not a bedroom, but a track. He
looks around for the beautiful woman to chase, but instead sees a huge man
with an 18 inch cock. "Run!" bellows the man, "If I catch you, I'm gonna
fuck you!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The young woman was in the furniture department of the local store,
and had spent some time going from sofa to divan to lounge back to the
sofas.
A salesman went up to the young woman asking, "May I help you,
please?"
"Yes. I'd like to buy a sexual sofa."
"Er, ah... you mean 'sectional, don't you?"
"Sectional, techional, what's the difference. I just want an
occasional piece in the living room."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

Sexual Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that
with each movement of his pelvis, his partners toes would rise. Later
that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes
remained still.
Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes
curl up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you all heard about the guy that walked into the local brothel,
handed the madam a hundred dollar bill and said he wanted the worst screw
in the house?
The lady said "For a hundred dollars you can have the best in the
house."
He said "No, I want the worst."
"I can't let you do this," said the madam, "You're entitled to the
best."
"Look," said the man, "I'm not horny, just homesick."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Five hundred dollars to any girl
who will do it my way!"
The bouncer throws him out. However, one redhead leaves and meets
him on the street, asking if his offer is legitimate.
When she finds out it is, they go to his apartment and spend the
whole night making love.
The next morning, she says, "We did it many ways, but none were
really unusual. What is your way?"
"On credit," he says.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was
awakened by strange noises coming from below.
He tip-toed downstairs and observed that his nineteen year old
daughter was sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a
liverwurst. He sighed and tip-toed back to bed.
Next morning, one of his customers came in and asked for some
liverwurst.
The butcher explained that he did not have any.
The lady was annoyed, she pointed and said "No liverwurst, eh? Well
what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"
The butcher frowned at her and replied, "That, lady, is my
son-in-law."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little guy rushed into the office of a motel in the middle of
Texas. He was obviously very upset and distraught, and the office manager
asks him what was going on.
"Call the cops," pants the little man. "I've just been assaulted by
some big dumb cowhand."
"No kidding? What happened?"
"I was making a phone call in the lobby and this big ugly guy jerks
me around, rips down his pants, and pulls out two very big instruments;
one was ten inches of cock, and the other was the barrel of a Colt 45.
He says to me, 'You suck me right here, little shrimp, or I'm a gonna
blow your brains out!"
"Damn!" shouts the manager. "What did ya do?"

Humor Digest - October 90

Sexual Jokes

The little man looked up and scowled,
"Ya didn't hear no damned shot, did you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's this guy Dave, he's been going to this bar for 20 years and
every time he goes he orders a beer.
Well one day Dave goes in and orders a beer and a shot.
The bartender asks him "What's the special occasion?"
Dave says, "Damn, I just found out my little brother is a fag."
"That's too bad," replies the bartender as Dave downs both drinks and
heads out the door.
The next day Dave comes in and orders a beer and 2 shots.
The bartender asks him "What's the problem now?"
Dave he says "Crap, I just found out my older brother is a faggot
too!"
When Dave comes in the following day he orders a beer and 3 shots.
The bartender come over to Dave, pats him on the shoulders and says
"Shit, doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?"
Dave replies, "Yea, my sister..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This kid receives a Dear John letter from his girl while he's at
college, and he gets real depressed. He posts the letter outside his
door, and leaves a note below it asking to be left alone for awhile.
Meanwhile, his friends pass by his door, read the letter, and get
really mad at the girl for brushing him off.
One person writes "BITCH" in a big magic marker on the letter.
Others follow his lead, and soon the letter is filled with nasty words
about the kid's now ex-girlfriend.
The kid finally gets out of his funk, sees the letter with all the
nasty remarks, addresses an envelope to his ex-girl, and puts the letter
in the envelope and mails it.
A few days later, the kid gets a letter from his ex again. Inside is
a poloroid photo of her and her boyfriend nude. She is on her knees
giving him a blowjob, while staring at the camera and fliping the kid her
middle finger.
The kid thinks for a moment. Gets out an envelope, addresses it to
her father, puts in the photo, and mails it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

Limricks

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young gay from Khartoum,
Who invited a lesbian up to his room,
They argued all night,
over who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An eunuch frequenting Bangkok
Used to borrow the deified jock
From the local rain-god
When he went for a prod-
You could hear the girl yell for a block
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by and elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude-
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady of Bicerster
Who was nicer by far than her sister:
The sister would giggle
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor ritch,
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
And fuck to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son of a bitch!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady named Jane,
And she screwed some disgusting old Blaine.
He was ugly and smelly,
With an awful pot-belly,
But... well, they were cought in the rain.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "My dear soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A middle-aged codger named Bruin
Found his love life completely a-ruin,
For he flirted with flirts
Wearing pants and no skirts,
And he never got in for no screwin'.

Humor Digest - October 90

Limricks

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow of Burma
Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
But he tried the famed ginseng
And good luck this did bring,
Because now the root of their love is much firmer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman got married at Chester
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she, "Your in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Leicester.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady who wrote of big cites
Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
Sold her stuff at the shop
Of a musical wop
Who played with her soft little tities.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a gouty old colonel
Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
And he cried in his tiffin
For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
And the size of the thing was infernal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or others will all want one too."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a lovely lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee.
A man in a punt
Put his hand on her cunt,
And god! How I wish it was me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
He was giving the girl her first lesson
Hoping head would become her obsession
But he pushed her away
Saying, "That's not the way
I mean, 'blow-me' is just an expression."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sperm faced, alack and forsooth
His moment of sexual truth
He'd expected to fall
On a womb's spongy wall
But he was dashed to his death on a tooth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A frustrated girl from the sticks
Once planted an acre of pricks
They came up in the fall
Up to 10 inches tall
And she milked them each morning at 6.

Humor Digest - October 90

Limricks

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His farts to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, Boom, er-tum, tootle, dum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass,
Bach's B-minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz,
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the March Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

Humor Digest - October 90

Limricks

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with ass thrown aloft,
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His asshole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

Poems

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree
Discussing things as they are said to be
Said one to the others, "Now listen, you two
There's a rumor around that can't be true
That man descended from our noble race
The very idea is a great disgrace."

"No monkey has ever deserted his wife
Starved her babies and ruined her life
And you've never known a mother monk
To leave her babies with others to bunk
Or pass from one on to another
Till they scarcely know who is their mother."

"Here's another thing a monkey won't do
Go out at night and get on a stew
Or use a gun or club or knife
To take some other monkey's life
Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss
But, brother, he didn't descend from us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twas the night before implementation
and all through the house
not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
with hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The users were nestled, all snug in their beds,
while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out on the scope there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wandering eyes should appear,
but a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer).
His COBOL is lustered, his BAL shimmered,
his CICS macro, oh how it glimmered!
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
he turned out great code with bit-pusher's flare.
More rapid than eagles his programs they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
On update! On add! On inquiry! On delete!
On batch jobs! On closing! On function complete!
His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
from weekends and nights in front of the screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk;
and laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key,
the system came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
the inquiries inquired and closing completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
with nary and abend, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded,

Humor Digest - October 90

Poems

the client's last changes were even included.
And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for ... but it's NOT what I want!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
At polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter,
The road to Hell is paved with butter.
And cake is cursed, and cream is awful,
Satan hides in every waffle.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop
And Lucifer is a lollipop.
Teach me the evils of hollandaise
Or pasta, and gobs of mayonnaise.
And crispy fried chicken from the South--
If you love me, Lord, please shut my mouth!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
To all employees who work overtime:

Oh husband, oh husband, I tremble with fear,
You've been on overtime almost a year!

And since you are gone till way late at night,
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool,
working this overtime is wasting your tool.

Far better it is to be poor all your life
Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

Oh husband, dear husband, now don't get me wrong,
The money is good, but so was your dong.

You came home from work just able to creep;
I feel like screwing! But you want to sleep.

Each evening, dear husband, you crawl into bed;
Your intentions are good, but your pecker is dead.

I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry;
I get so damned mad! I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes;
I have played with your balls, but your pecker won't rise.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,
For which there's no pardon and never has been;

And that is a man who's so foolish and mean
That he gives up fucking to run a machine!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

Clean Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Author: Glenn Crumpton)

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of
failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the
front (north) door, through the entryway, terminated at an area just
inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aformentioned
agreement between the parties.
The aformentioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any
other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the forth part ("New Light Bulb"). This
installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of
the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being
careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise
direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt,
crosses the road, and again rolls in the dirt?

A: A dirty double-crossing chicken!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you eat lots of onions and baked beans?

A: Tear gas!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get if you goose a ghost?

A: A hand full of sheet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an uncircumcised jewish baby?

Humor Digest - October 90

Clean Question & Answer Jokes

A: A girl.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a rabbit sitting on your face?

A: Unwanted Facial Hare.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do Duct tape and the Force have in common?

A: They both have a Light side, and a Dark side, and both hold the
Universe together.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a single woman get rid of a cockroach?

A: She asks for a commitment!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and local government?

A: The Boy Scouts have adult leadership.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a shotgun wedding?

A: A case of wife or death!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What goes snap, crackle and pop?

A: California's freeway system.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How is being married like being constipated?

A: "To have and to hold!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the best way to save a marriage?

A: Go out and price a few divorce lawyers!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

Ethnic Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a vulture and an ex-wife?

A: A vulture circles three times before chewing on your ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is your car like a woman?

A: Because on a cold morning when you really need them to turn over,
neither of them will.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did they raise the drinking age in China?

A: Because the students were constantly tanked!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Software Pirates does it take to cook an egg?

A: Two. One to crack it and another to share it with 200 of his close
and personal friends
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

Gross Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the cat watch the tennis match so closely?

A: His old man was in the racket!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of bar stool?

A: What Davy Crockett stepped in when he went hunting.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

Sexual Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did Speedy Gonzales say to the virgin?

A: "It wont hurt... did it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Hear about the prostitute that had the appendectomy?

A: The doctor sewed the wrong hole, so she's making money on the side.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is long, hairy, and foams when you rub it?

A: A toothbrush!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is short wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?

A: Your mom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell if elephants have been mating in your yard?

A: Your trash can liners are missing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a guy who sits in the balcony at a porno flick?

A: A tier jerker!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats a "nice" name for a pimp?

A: A Fornicaterer!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was the girl patting her date on the fore-head with a feather?

A: Because he had told her he was going to fuck her to death, and
relatively, she was beating his brains out!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't women drink beer on the beach?

A: They don't want to get sand in their Schlitz
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a woman and a volcano?

A: Volcanoes don't fake eruptions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a good ol' girl and a slut?

A: A good ol' girl fucks everyone in town, and a slut fucks everyone in
town but you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats a "Hobosexual?"

A: A fucking bum!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell if a mounted cop is absent minded?

A: He jumps on his whistle and blows his horse!

Humor Digest - October 90

Sexual Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What should a man do once he's learned to read women like a book?

A: Use his fingers to mark his place!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do gay men have moustaches?

A: To hide the stretch marks!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you know when you are in a gay church?

A: Only half of the congregation is on its knees!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did the humorous gynecologist greet his patients?

A: "At your cervix!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What goes "ha ha thump thump?"

A: A guy laughing his balls off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his
wife?

A: He fired them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a girl who puts her diaphragm in crooked?

A: Mother
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What would you call a hooker with a 500 lb. John?

A: Pressed for cash!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does a mother get itchy when she passes a maternity clinic?

A: She remembers when she had a close shave there!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the three lesbians who wanted to open up a bar?

A: They had to get a licker licence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers:

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as
it darn well pleases.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
DEFINITIONS:

MARRIAGE:

1) a ceremony where the grocer acquires an account the florist once had.
2) a ceremony in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the
man who made them.
3) a process whereby love ripens into vengeance.
4) an investment that pays you dividends if you pay interest.
5) oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses.
6) a very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

MASSEUR: A limberjack

MATERNITY DRESS: A kind of magic garment that makes the heir unapparent.

MATRIMONY: The splice of life.

MIDDLE AGE: When your past is past, or those folks 10 years older than
you are.

MINISTER: A travel agent for the straight and narrow.

MINUTE: That period of time in which, after keeping your spouse waiting
for an hour, while you just finish up on the computer.

MIRACLE DRUG: Any medicine you can get the kids to take without
screaming.

MISNOMER: The right name for the wrong word.

MODESTY: That self-confident feeling that the world already knows or will
soon find out.

MONEY: What we spend for luxuries and owe for necessities.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that the metric system is in wide use world wide (except here in
the US), it is time to change a few common phrases.

1) A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
2) Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
3) Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
4) Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
5) Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
6) Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about Zsa Zsa's new perfume? It's called "Conviction"

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

and you just SLAP it on.
Well, try to keep up in the high pressure perfume industry, Leona
Helmsley has come out with her own. It's called "Evasion." Only the poor
people have to pay for it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Slogan of the Sewer Tenders Union: "A waste is a terrible thing to mind."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The best device for clearing a driveway of snow is a kid who wants to
use the car.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Washington never told a lie. Of course, he never played golf
or filed an income tax return, either!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Said the circus manager to the human cannon ball, "You can't quit!
Where will I find another man of your calibre?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daffy-nitions:

Computer Mating: Dater processing
Skier: A person who jumps to contusions
A Computer Date: A calculated risk
Elegant Frankfurter: A haute dog
Author: A guy who is always write
Flattery: Phony express
Sarcasm: Quip lash
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get back at your children. Live long enough to be a problem for them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. Yep, she has
started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms
or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That's right, the sign outside
reads:
Super California Mystic
Expert Halitosis
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of "The Monster Mash")

I was working in the lab, late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
Some smoke from our VAX began to rise
And suddenly, to my surprise...

[chorus]
(There was a crash) There was a system crash
(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash
(A system crash) It came down in a flash
(There was a crash) A fatal system crash

The lab manager then appeared from his room,
Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,
But we had one like this just the other day
Which blew up 4 megs and the SBA"

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

[chorus]

The system had just been booted,
diagnostics had all run through,
When a power flux made it all run amuck,
then SCOTTY and IRVING blew too

So we'd lost all our VAXES in less than one night
When a VP came in and said: "hey, that's all right,
I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to do
When you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you..."

[chorus]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heard after the latest San Fransisco Earth Quake

In San Francisco the local Oldies station has stopped playing "Shake,
Rattle, and Roll," declaring that they've had quite enough of it.

On a similar note, the song "Do You Know The Way To San Jose?" has been
changed to "Do You Know Where San Jose WENT?"

The Bay Bridge is still working: It's keeping everyone at Bay.

Heard in a Chemistry lab at 5:03 PM PDT: "Don't drop that stuff, it's
real powerful."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary

:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or
joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie.
:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset
or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as
good as a happy smilie
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.

Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones:

(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a Big girl

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-7 User just made a wry statement
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)~ User drools
:-~) User has a cold
:'-( User is crying
:'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@ User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
:_) User's nose is sliding off of his face
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
-:-) User is a punk rocker
-:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...other side
|-I User is asleep
|-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh!
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is really bummed
<|-) User is Chinese
<|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
@= User is pro-nuclear war
*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat
:-o Uh oh!
(8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smilie
3:[ Mean Pet smilie
d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie
@:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smilie
The invisible smilie
.-) User only has one eye
,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died
8 :-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an
updraft, a mustache, and a double chin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q & A on Everything You Need To Know About Marriage

Q: Our daughter has announced her plans to marry a pleasant enough young
man. Are we expected to shell out for an engagement party as well as
for the wedding itself?

A: If she is not pregnant and has succeeded in extracting a diamond ring
from a solvent heterosexual, quit bitching.

Q: How much should a guy spend on a wedding ring?

A: More than he can afford.

Q: My fiance has given me an engagement ring I can't stand. Can I say
something or must I grin and bear it?

A: Sell it and buy something nice. Men never notice such things.

Q: How and when should I let my old boyfriends know of my engagement? I
haven't told them we're through yet.

A: An invitation to the wedding should clue them in.

Q: My fiancees family cannot afford a lavish wedding, but my parents
think it's important and have volunteered to pay for the entire
affair. If that's OK, does my mother have control of the plans?

A: Absolutely, Money Talks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
SOCIALIZED MEDICINE

As we consider socialized medicine, we might first reflect on the
British Government's policy of socialized medicine which has been extended
to include "Proxy Papa's," that is, any married woman not having a child
in the first five years of marriage, must receive the services of a
government man who will attempt to be the means of her becoming a mother.

SCENE: The Smith's have no children, and the government man is due.
Mr.Smith leaves for work, he has a hang-dog look as he pecks his wife,
dutifully at the door. "I'm off, the government man should be here

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

early." He leaves and his wife pretties herself, putting on her most
seductive negligee. But instead of the government man, a door-to-door
photographer, specializing in baby pictures, knocks at her door...

Mrs: "Oh, good morning."
Man: "You probably don't know me, but I represent..."
Mrs: "Oh, yes, you needn't explain, my husband said to expect you."
Man: "I make a specialty of babies; especially twins..."
Mrs: "That is what my husband said, please sit down."
Man: "Then your husband probably told you that..."
Mrs: "Oh, yes, we both agreed it is the best thing to do."
Man: "Well, in that case, we better get started."
Mrs: (Blushing) "Just... where do we start?"
Man: "Just leave everything to me, Madam. I recommend two in the
bathtub, one on the floor, and a couple on the couch."
Mrs: "Bathtub? Floor? No wonder Harry and I..."
Man: "Well, my dear lady, even the best of us can't guarantee a good one
every time, but say, one out of six is bound to be a honey. I
usually have the best luck with the shots in the bathtub."
Mrs: "Pardon me, but it seems... a bit informal."
Man: "No indeed, in my line of work, a man can't do his best work in a
hurry. (He opens his album, and shows the baby pictures to her.)
Look at this baby, it's a good job, took four hours, but isn't she a
honey?"
Mrs: "Yes, a lovely child."
Man: "But for a tough assignment, look at this baby. Believe it or not,
it was done on top of a bus in Picadilly Circus."
Mrs: "My goodness!"
Man: "It's not hard when a man knows his job. My work is a pleasure, and
I spent long years perfecting my techniques. Now, take this baby, I
did it with one shot in Alexander's window."
Mrs: "I can't believe it."
Man: "And here is a picture of the prettiest twins in town. They turned
out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so
difficult. But I knocked off the job in Hyde park on a snowy
afternoon. It took from two in the afternoon until five in the
evening. I never worked under such difficult conditions. People
were crowded four and five deep, pushing to get a look."
Mrs: "Four or five deep?"
Man: "Yes, and more than three hours. But I had two people helping me.
I could have gotten another shot before dark, but by that time, the
squirrels were nibbling at my equipment, and I had to give up.
Well, Madam, if you are ready, I'll set up my tripod and get to
work."
Mrs: "TRIPOD?"
Man: "Yes, I always use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It is much too
heavy for me to hold for any length of time. Mrs. Smith, Mrs.
Smith, Mrs. Smith... MY GOODNESS... SHE FAINTED!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
DIETING UNDER STRESS

This diet is designed to help you cope with
the stress that builds up during the day.

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Clean Stuff

BREAKFAST
1/2 Grapefruit 8 oz. skim milk
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry

LUNCH
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup herb tea
1 cup steamed spinach 1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of the Oreos in the package 1 jar hot fudge sauce
2 pints rocky road ice cream w/Nuts, cherries, whipped cream

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese 1 large pitcher of beer
Lg. sausage and mushroom pizza 3 Milky Way candy bars

LATE EVENING NEWS
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

1) If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2) If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy
bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3) When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat
more than they do.
4) Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate,
brandy, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.
5) If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6) Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are
part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal
fuel such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and
Tootsie Rolls.
7) Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes
calorie leakage.
8) Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in
the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a
knife when making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon when making a
sundae.
9) Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white
chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted
for any other food color.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bagger

A "One Bagger" is when you put a bag on her head cause she's so ugly.

A "Two Bagger" is when you put a bag on her head and yours in case hers
falls off...

A "Three Bagger" is when she's so ugly that you put a bag on her head,
your head and the dogs head. (So he'll walk with you the next day.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
MARINE (noun) - A foot powered, shit fed, beer cooled, green, amphibious
animal that thrives on war and killing, cannot function in groups of less
than four (a fire team), and has a collective I.Q. six points below plant
life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
EMPLOYEE REVIEW / COUNSELING SHEET

Under the "Freedom of Information Act" and the "Federal Privacy Act"
of 1974, I understand that my work performance is being documented. I
have the right to examine and copy said documentation. I have the right
to request amendments of any document.

NAME:____________________________________

DATE:______________________

KNOWLEDGE:
_____ The son-of-a-bitch really knows his/her stuff
_____ Knows just enough to be dangerous
_____ Only half a brain and is dangerous
_____ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.

ACCURACY:
_____ Does excellent work if not pre-occupied with pussy
_____ Pretty good. Only occasionally blows it out his ass
_____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten
_____ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice

ATTITUDE:
_____ Extremely co-operative (if you kiss his ass frequently)
_____ Brown noser in good standing
_____ Often pisses off co-workers, thinks it's his shop
_____ Doesn't give a shit! Never did, never will

AVAILABILITY:
_____ A really dependable little cocksucker
_____ Can rely on him at evaluation time
_____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
_____ Totally fucking useless / worthless

APPEARANCE:
_____ Extremely neat, even combs his pubic hair
_____ Looks great at evaluation time

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

_____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him
_____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son-of-a-bitch

PERFORMANCE:
_____ Goes like a son-of-a-bitch if there's money in it for him
_____ Does all kinds of good shit at evaluation time
_____ Works only if kicked in the ass every 2 minutes
_____ Couldn't do less work if he were in a fucking coma

LEADERSHIP:
_____ Carries a chain saw and gets good results
_____ Better leader than fucking MacArthur (at evaluation time)
_____ Occasionally is told to get fucked
_____ Couldn't lead a bunch of blind mice with lobotomies

DATE:_____________________

SUPERVISOR'S SIGNATURE______________________________
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Button that says: "If I had wanted to hear from an asshole I would have
farted."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Japanese CEO who was so rich that when he
cashed a check in a Texas bank during a recent visit that the bank
bounced?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From 12 to 15 woman are like Africa - virgin and unexplored
From 15 to 30 woman are like Asia - hot and exotic
From 30 to 45 woman are like America - fully explored and free with her
resources
From 45 to 50 woman are like Europe - exhausted but still with some points
of interest
From 60 on woman are like Texas - everyone knows its down there but nobody
gives a damn
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
35 Reasons why Beer is better than Women

1) You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2) Beer stains wash out.
3) You never have to wine and dine beer.
4) A beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.
5) When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6) Beer is never late.
7) A beer never gets jealous when you grab another beer.
8) Hangovers go away.
9) Beer labels come off without a fight.
10) When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11) Beer never has a headache.
12) You never have to drive a beer home in the morning.
13) A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
14) If you pour a beer right, you always get good head.
15) A beer always goes down easy.
16) You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17) You can share a beer with your friends.

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

18) You are always sure you're the first one to pop a beer.
19) Beer is always wet.
20) Beer never demands equality.
21) You can have a beer in public.
22) A beer doesn't care when you come home.
23) A frigid beer is still good.
24) You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.
25) If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26) You don't have to know another language to pick up foreign beer.
27) Beer is cheaper by the dozen.
28) Beer doesn't ask for your credit card.
29) Beer doesn't have in-laws.
30) Beer doesn't lie to you.
31) Beer doesn't complain!
32) You don't have to buy beer fur coats.
33) Beer doesn't tie up the phone lines gossiping to other beer.
34) You can't get A.I.D.S. from having beer.
35) If you pick up a beer, you know where it came from.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nifty bumperstickers:

1) "Veteran of Boston driving... beware!"
2) "I brake for nothing."
3) "If you do not like my driving, call 1-800-EAT S**T"
4) "My other car is also a porsche" (yes, it was on a porsche)
5) "Stop looking at her rear and watch mine"
6) "Rock and roll is music, not driving instructions"
7) "I'm in charge here" (complete w/ picture of Garfield w/ a bullwhip)
8) "If you are close enough to read this, you are also in phaser range."
9) "Sometimes I wake up grouchy in the morning... Other times, I just
let him sleep"
10) "98% of all constipated people don't give a shit!"
11) "Peel off backing, Adhere to bumper."
12) "Don't follow me I know where I'm going and you're not welcome there!"
13) "Don't laugh! Your daughter might be in here."
14) "Amateur Gynecologist: Honk for free exam"
15) "Your daddy should have pulled out"
16) On the back of a FORD pinto: "DANGER: This vehicle explodes on
impact."
17) "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Make like a...

1) Make like a car and cruise.
2) Make like a car seat and haul ass.
3) Make like a bread truck and haul buns.
4) Make like a Wilson truck and haul balls.
5) Make like Tom and Cruise.
6) Make like a hippie and blow this joint.
7) Make like a sheepherder and get the flock out.
8) Make like a drum and beat it.
9) Make like a tree and leaf.
10) Make like a cheerleader and split.
11) Make like a plane and take off.

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

12) Make like a little kid and get lost.
13) Make like a hockey puck and get the puck out of here.
14) Make like a cow chip and hit the dusty trail.
15) Make like an axe and split.
16) Make like a baby and head out.
17) Make like a lonely guy and beat it.
18) Make like a banana and peel.
19) Make like a banana and split.
20) Make like horse shit, and hit the trail!
21) Make like a condom and don't come.
22) Make like Jekyll and Hyde.
23) Make like a U-Haul and move.
24) Make like a bird and fly south.
25) Make like a Red Sox player and get out.
26) Make like Michael Jackson and beat it.
27) Make like a computer and crash.
28) Make like a corpse and stay that way.
29) Make like a moose during hunting season.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the body was first made all parts wanted to be boss...
The brains said: "Since I control everything and do all the
thinking, I should be the boss!"
The feet said: "Since I carry man where he wants to go and get in
position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss!"
The hands said: "Since I must do all the work and earn all the money
to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss!"
The eyes said: "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you
where danger lurks, I should be boss!"
And so it went with the heart, the ears, the lungs and finally the
anus spoke up and demanded that he be made boss... all the other parts
laughed at the idea of an anus being boss.
The anus was so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to
function.
Soon the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet
were too weak to walk, the hand hung limply at the sides, and the heart
and lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent
and let the anus be boss, and so it happened; All the other parts did all
the work, and the anus just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
Moral of the story: Sometimes you don't have to be a brain to be a
boss... Just an asshole.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
They found out the name of that Chinese student who stood in front of
the oncoming tanks of the Chinese army. His name? Won Dum Fuc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Gross Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's been a lot of how to make money of late, and frankly most of
it is crap. There are far better, quicker and easier ways of doing it,
and some of them are even legal! Here's a list of GUARANTEED moneymakers.

(1) Stealing from yourself - this is 100% legal! Whenever you get
any cash, wallop yourself over the head and threaten to cut off important
parts of your anatomy unless you hand over the money. Then run away very
quickly, and bury the money in a field or something. Make sure you don't
know where it is. Also make sure it's not someone else's garden.
Before you know it, you will have a huge stash of loot that can
easily be converted into krugerand or diamonds, for you to drool and gloat
over. Not only this, but you will be able to claim on your insurance for
the attack (you might even get a disability allowance if you hit yourself
hard enough).

(2) Not spending money - this is a highly effective technique for
accruing cash. It is so obvious, that a lot of people tend to overlook
it, but after a moment's reflection, I'm sure you'll realize what
potential this little scheme has.
For instance, here is a breakdown of my own monthly income/outgo:

income: wages $1000
outgo: tax $800
bubblebath $50
jellybabies $40
pencils $38
matches $33
shoes $20
rat poison $15
ant food $7
obscene phone calls $3
lettuce $2.50
vasiline $1.50

So, you see, by not spending money on tax, I immediately save a
staggering EIGHTY PERCENT of my income! This can then be stolen from me
by myself and hidden in a field for later drooling.

(3) Selling your body (fnarr, fnarr) - once again we have a simple
and legal earner. Legal for you, that is; the surgeon who removes your
bits is in breach of contract with God who's the only one legally entitled
to your appendages.
Anyway, the scam is brilliant, since you not only get paid for the
organs, you get a free trip to the hospital into the bargain! Be careful
not to get carried away and get carried away (in bits).
I recently read that someone had made well over $500,000 selling
everything from the neck down, but he wasn't satisfied, so he sold his
eyes, nose, ears and teeth too. Being a little short of the old senses,
he was run over by a bus the next day. He should have quit while he was a
head.

(4) Selling your soul - a sadly under used option, mainly owing to
the bad publicity it has received over the years. The old days of

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Gross Stuff

`selling your soul' are well and truly over, and the modern options are
far more suited to the jet setting life styles of the late twentieth
century.
For instance, there is the timeshare scheme, when you can agree to be
possessed by several minor demons over the year. This is a real winner,
because you can be really outrageous at parties, commit serious crimes,
and then claim to be mad when your case comes up; you can be especially
convincing if you can get one of those demons that talks out of your
bottom.
Selling your soul and then buying it back on a long lease is also to
be recommended, especially if the lease lasts well beyond your life
expectancy. Be sure you don't believe in Hell if you try this one out.
Another possibility is conning Lucifer into buying something that you
claim to be your soul, but which is in fact an empty crisp packet, or a
bag of nails or something. Be sure you do a good touchup job on it.
Maybe ask Saatchi and Saatchi for advise; they can sell anything, as I'm
sure everyone in the UK is well aware.

(5) Crime - this isn't strictly legal, unless it's government
approved, when it's often not legal not to do it. It helps if you don't
have a conscience; perhaps you can sell it to Old Nick.
Basically, making a living out of crime involves either taking money
from people which they don't want you to have (note that tax is an
exception, seeing as it is government approved), or pretending to sell
them one thing and really selling them something else much less valuable
(the more worthless it is, the richer you become).
Beware that an awful lot of the latter is in fact legal; it's called
marketing. Also, it is not a crime to convince people they need something
completely useless.

(6) Printing money - this is getting to be a waste of time.

(7) Start a religion - remembering that it's not a crime to convince
people they need something completely useless, this is probably the most
successful scam ever invented.
Over the centuries, hundreds of people have made fortunes doing this.
In the old days, you needed an army big enough to convince the populace
that it was in their interests to pay voluntary donations to your church.
Nowadays, you need a pale blue suit, a TV channel, a set of luminous
teeth and the ability to cry at the drop of a hat. Human stupidity will
do the rest for you.

I hope that this information will be of use to the budding
capitalists out there on the net. I can personally vouch for the efficacy
of all of them in one form or another, except for not spending money; I
get so much from the other scams that I don't need too!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence:

1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
bomb; use the stairs.
2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the
ground.
3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Gross Stuff

4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
psychological problems.
5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded
wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be
scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering
illegally.
9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
sanitary due to limited circulation.
10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
D-Day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
20 Types Of People You Might Meet In The Men's Room!

1) EXCITABLE: shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) SOCIABLE: joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) CROSSEYED: looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) TIMID: cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back
later.
5) INDIFFERENT: all urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) CLEVER: no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on
floor.
7) WORRIED: not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick
inspection.
8) FRIVOLOUS: plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly
or bug.
9) ABSENT-MINDED: opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) CHILDISH: pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it
bubble.
11) SNEAK: farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
next stall will get blamed.
12) PATIENT: stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free
hand.
13) DESPERATE: waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) TOUGH: bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15) EFFICIENT: waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16) FAT: backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
17) LITTLE: stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) DRUNK: holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) DISGRUNTLED: stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) CONCEITED: holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm told of a little bistro in New York where they print the guest
check on a condom. This is so that you can wine and dine your date, then
stick her with the bill.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
6469 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrou, Wisconsin 10169

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to
model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.
Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our
Board of Directors feel that your wearing of our product in the ad does
not portray a positive, romantic image for us. A loose, baggy, and
wrinkled condom is not very romantic. However, we do admire your efforts
to try to firm and fill it up by using Poly-grip.
We appreciate and thank you for your interest. We will retain your
application for future consideration, if by chance we decide there is a
market for Micro-mini condoms.
Please give our greetings, and our deepest sympathy to your wife
and/or girlfriend.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know a guy who worked his way thru med school delivering pizzas.
Now he's an obstetrician, and he guarantees delivery in thirty minutes or
less!
His roomie was studying dentistry, but when he went into practice,
was always looking down in the mouth. He went back to med school, and
became a gynecologist, and now his business is looking up! His office
made it into Home and Gardens magazine, decorated entirely through the
door's keyhole!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was...

1) She was only a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
2) She was only the judges daughter, but anyone could try her.
3) She was only the undertaker's daughter, but any man cadaver.
4) She was only the admiral's daughter, but her naval base was full of
semen.
5) She was only the candy man's daughter, but she could sure make your
peanut brittle.
6) She was only the stableman's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her.
7) She was only the miner's daughter, but I let her work on my shaft.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex on T.V. is ok... As long as you dont fall off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dallas Cowboys just hired Linda Lovelace as their new head coach.
In the press conference she was quoted as saying, "We may blow a few, but
we won't choke on the big one."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marketing experts are now maintaining that the manufacturers of those
panty hose that "massage" a woman's legs have set their sights far too
low!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vasectomy: a conversion from a family model to a sports model

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you all hear that they are putting pictures of lost queers on the
backs of petroleum jelly jars? The photographs are of the backs of their
heads...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man has 17 parts that don't work for him:

Ten nails that don't nail
Two tits that don't milk
One bellybutton that doesn't button
One cock that doesn't crow
Two balls that don't roll
One ass that won't work!

But, what are you women smiling about?
You have a pussy that won't catch mice!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real Signs

1) Sign in a Japanese Hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.
2) On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope
for.
3) In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
diseases.
4) In a Hongkong Supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
coitus, efficient, self-service.
5) A sign posted in the Germany's Black Forrest: It is strictly forbidden
on our black forrest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each for that purpose.
6) On a tap in a Finnish washroom : To stop the drip, turn cock to the
right.
7) In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
8) In an Acalpulco Hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.
9) In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them
in all directions.
10) In a Tokyo Bar : Special cocktails for the lady with nuts.
11) Detour Sign in Kyushi, Japan: STOP: Drive Sideways.
12) In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a women here even a
foreigner if dressed as a man.
13) From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot
heave into sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
We should not hate someone just because "he" has a different sexual
proclivity than ours. I therefore propose a support group to show our
toleration.
It will be called Friends of Affectionate Gays. Generally, however,
the acronym will be sufficient.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Do It One Liners -

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

AM Disc Jockeys do it with Modulated Amplitude.
AT&T does it in Long Lines.
Accountants do it for profit.
Actors do it in the limelight.
Actors do it on camera.
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.
Alvin Toffler will do it in the future.
Anarchists do it revoltingly.
Anesthetists do it painlessly.
Arlo Guthrie does it on his Motorcycle.
Astronomers do it all night long.
Astronomers do it in the dark.
Australians do it down under.
Auto mechanics do it under hoods, using oil and grease.
Babies do it in their pants.
Bach did it with the organ.
Bakers do it for the dough.
Ballet dancers do it on tip-toe.
Banana pickers do it in bunches.
Bankers do it for money, but there is a penalty for early withdrawal.
Bankers do it with interest.
Barbers do it with Bryll Cream.
Barbers do it with scissors.
Baseball Players do it with their bats.
Batman does it with Robin.
Beethoven did it apassionately.
Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.
Bicycle racers do it with at 90-110 rpm.
Bicyclists do it with a cadence.
Bicyclists do it with chains.
Birds do it, bees do it, even chimpanzees do it ...
Blitzkrieg players do it in five minutes.
Bookkeepers do it for the record.
Bowlers do it in the alley.
Bowlers do it with balls.
Bridge players do it with a partner.
Bridge players do it with finesse.
Bus drivers do it in transit.
Businessmen do it in the black.
Businessmen do it in the red.
Butchers do it in the raw.
Carpenters do it indoors.
Carpenters do it tongue-in-groove.
Catholics do it A LOT!
Chem E.'s do it in packed beds.
Chess players do it in their minds.
Chess players do it with royalty.
Choir boys do it unaccompanied.
Cockroaches have done it for millions of years, without apparent
ill-effects.
Collectors do it in sets.
Combinatorialists do it a countable number of times, sadly.
Combinatorialists do it discreetly.

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

Comedians do it for laughs.
Communists do it without class!
Computer programmers do it logically.
Computer scientists do it bit by bit.
Conductors do it rhythmically.
Confectioners do it sweetly.
Construction workers do it higher.
Cows do it in leather.
Cryptographers do it secretly.
Crystallographers do it with groups.
Cuckoos do it by proxy.
DJ's do it on the air.
Dancers do it to music.
Dancers do it in 5 positions.
Dark horses do it come-from-behind.
Delivery men do it at the rear entrance.
Dentists do it orally.
Dentists do it painlessly (HA!)
Dentists do it with drills.
Diamond cutters do it harder.
Divers do it deeper.
Divers do it underwater.
Doctors do it with patience.
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning!
Don't do it with a banker. Most of them are tellers.
Donuts do it with cream or jelly.
Drummers do it to the beat.
Drummers do it with rhythm.
Dummy's partner does it with dummy's hand.
Economists do it with inflation.
Economists don't know how to do it.
Electrical Engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.
Electricians do it in their shorts.
Emergency Medical Technicians do it all the time.
Mathematicians do it with theory!
Politicians do it to everyone!
Procrastinators do it tomorrow!
Statisticians probably do it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and Sex

1) The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to
leave her with no hard feelings.
2) Nothing improves with age.
3) No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered again take it,
because it'll never be quite the same.
4) Sex has no calories.
5) Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
trouble.
6) There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7) Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've
got.
8) No sex with anyone in the same office.
9) Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

or how long it will last.
10) A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11) If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12) Virginity can be cured.
13) When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
14) Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15) The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
ones she can't stand years later.
16) Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17) It is always the wrong time of the month.
18) The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19) When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20) Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
21) Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop
failure.
22) The younger the better.
23) The game of love is never called off on account of darkness!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Indoor Golf Rules:

1) Each player will furnish his own equipment for play: normally, one
club and two balls. The course consists of three holes and two
bunkers.
2) Course to be played must be approved by the owner.
3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object of indoor golf, is to get the club in
the hole and keep the balls out.
4) For the most effective play the club should have a very firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check out the stiffness of the shaft
before play begins.
5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to
avoid damage to the hole in play.
6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being
denied permission to play the course again.
7) It is usually considered "bad form" to begin playing the hole
immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will
normally admire the entire course, with special attention paid to well
formed bunkers.
8) Players are cautioned not to mention any other course, that they may
have played, or currently are playing, to the owner of the course
being played. Upset owners have been known to try to damage a players
equipment for this reason.
9) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled. Especially on a course being played for the first time!
Previous players have been known to get irate if they find someone
else playing, what they considered, to be their own private course.
10) Players should not "assume" a course is in shape for play at all
times! Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily
under repair and the player is advised to use tact in this
determination. More advanced players will find alternate means of
play when this is the case.
11) It is considered "outstanding performance," time permitting, to play

Humor Digest - October 90

UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

the same hole several times.
12) Course owners shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.
13) It is considered bad form for a player to reveal his score to other
players or that he has even played another course. Players who have
contracted for exclusive rights to play a private course are
cautioned! Information reaching the owner of that course, that he has
played on another course, may result in that contract being canceled!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One ovary says to the other "Did you order any furniture?"
The second ovary replies, "No, why?"
The first says, "Because there are a couple of nuts outside trying to
push in an organ."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a trend underway due to the influx of female pilots in
commercial airlines to change the name of the cockpit to the box office.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - October 90

- New Format - New Format - New Format -

December 1990 TTTTTTT H H EEEEEEE Vol 1 Issue 9
T H H E
.-------------------> T HHHHHHH EEEEE <--------------------.
: T H H E :
: T H H EEEEEEE :
: :
: :
: BBBBBB BBBBBB SSSSSS :
: B B B B S :
: BBBBBB BBBBBB SSSSS :
: B B B B S :
: BBBBBB BBBBBB SSSSSS :
: :
: :
: H H U U M M OOOOO RRRRRR :
: H H U U MM MM O O R R :
: HHHHHHH U U M M M M O O RRRRRR :
: H H U U M M M O O R R :
: H H UUUUU M M OOOOO R R :
: :
: :
: DDDDDD IIIIIII GGGGG EEEEEEE SSSSSS TTTTTTT :
: D D I G E S T :
----- > D D I G GGG EEEEE SSSSS T <------
D D I G G E S T
DDDDDD IIIIIII GGGGG EEEEEEE SSSSSS T

.-----------> What you'll find Inside <-----------.
: :
: AT THE TOP! :
: (What the BBS Humor Digest is all about) :
: :
: THE DIGEST NEWS :
: (New happenings in and around the Digest) :
: :
: STANDARDS :
: (Our categorization standards) :
: :
: SURVEY :
: (Our Readers Survey for 1990) :
: :
: ! ! ! H U M O R ! ! ! :
: (This months collection of Humor) :
: :
-------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

At The Top

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The BBS Humor Digest
December 1990
Complied, Edited, Revised, and Released by:

Owen B. Morgan Jr
&
Richard H. Whitten Jr

Have you ever heard or read a joke that just busted you up for 5
minutes and then wished you had written it down somewhere so that later
you could tell it to your friends?
Well, you don't have to worry about that any longer, because we used
to have that same wish, and decided to do something about it. We've spent
the past few months scouring the humor sections of BBS's near and far, and
have compiled quite a large collection of humorous items.
Each monthly issue will contain 45-90 printed pages of material
chosen from story jokes, one-liners, limericks, poems, and other items.
We've spent a great deal of time on this project so we're releasing
this digest as 'LAUGH-WARE' which means: If you get a big kick out of the
humor, and you would like to see our service continue, either:

1) Send us a donation (To help pay our phone bills!)
2) Upload your favorite humor to the National Humor Echo.
3) Send us your favorite humor (Address is given below)

Send your humorous items to:

Funny Men Productions
P.O. Box 7694
Eugene, OR 97401

Please feel free to pass this digest around to your friends, and
upload it to other boards. We do require however, that in order to
distribute this file you keep this archive intact!

Hey JOKESTERS:

For those of you who FREQ or DOWNLOAD the Humor Digest directly from
Pandora's Box, here is some important information: The Digest is available
starting on the 25th day of the previous month! So; as an example, the
October issue will NOT be available until September 25th! PLEASE!! stop
wasting your money calling any earlier than that.

Humor Digest - December 90

At The Top

Where To Get Your Next Issue of "The BBS Humor Digest"!

The BBS HUMOR DIGEST can always be found on Pandora's Box BBS. It is
available to first time callers via the D)ownload option at the Main
Menu. It is also available for File Request (FREQ) by Sysops and Points
at 1:152/6 and 8:7702/8

The phone number is: (503) 343-4520 from 2:00 A.M. to Midnight
(Pacific Time)

Request or Download: JOKE?-90.ARC
Request or Download: FILES.ZIP for a list of All Files Available

Danny Scriven: Sysop/Pandora's Box

COPYRIGHT NOTICE

We lay no copyrights whatsoever upon the jokes contained within this
digest.

DISCLAIMER

This digest does not necessarily represent the views and/or opinions
of Richard Whitten and Owen Morgan.
The material contained within this digest may be offensive to certain
people, therefore we take NO responsibility for any emotional,
psychological, marital, and/or any other problems incurred from reading
this digest. If you feel you will be offended DON'T READ IT!!!

NOTES:

This Humor file is in ASCII and is preformatted for you. This Format
assumes that you are using standard 8.5 x 11 inch paper and does leave
room for what ever binding you plan on using.

Humor Digest - December 90

Standards

FAMILY
('G' rated Material)

This category will contain material which we feel can be read by any
family member.

SOCIAL
('PG' & 'PG-13' rated Material)

This category will contain material which has Ethnic (pertains to a
certain group or race of people) overtones, has vulgar overtones, and
certain phrases and/or words may not be suitable for younger family
members.

ADULT
('R' 'NC-17' & 'X' rated Material)

This category will contain material which is primarily intended for an
Adult audience. Some material may not appeal to all Adult Family Members.
No material in this category is intended for a younger audience.

* NOTES *

- The POEMS & LIMERICKS sections are always considered to be of the ADULT
categorization.

- We do our best to put the humor into the apropriate area, and if we
happen to slide over the line once in awhile, please forgive us!

Humor Digest - December 90

Digest News

All The News That's Fit To Print

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Guess by now you've noticed that we've made a BIG change in the BBS
Humor Digest, and we sure hope you like it! Of all the mail we've
received the biggest change requested was to pack all off the smaller
files into one large, newsletter type, file, and that is what we've done!
As we've always wanted from the beginning: You tells us what you
like or don't like about what we're doing, and we'll do our best to fix
it!
Please tell us how you like the 'NEW' Digest!

THE PLEA

We've had a few requests for Humorous Short Stories, and if any of
you jokesters out there have any laying around, or have the talent please
send them in so we can share them with others.

CATEGORIZATION NEWS

We've changed the names of the Categories, Changes are as follows:

'Clean' is now ... 'Family'
'Ethnic' is now ... 'Social'
'Sexual' is now ... Adult'

The 'Gross' category has been merged into 'Social'
The 'Other' category has been merged into 'Adult'

We feel this more aptly fits the Humor. Hope you agree.

THE BRAG

Our printed mag, Jokes Plus sampler is within one (1) month of
going to the printers. We are almost completed with the layout and
design of the pages, and our cartoonists our working of the final
inkings of the cartoons as we speak! Remember: For all of you who
send in the Survey, we'll send you a copy of the Sampler when it
comes off the press!

Humor Digest - December 90

Survey

BBS HUMOR DIGEST
Opinion Survey
-- December 1990 --

We're including this survey as a part of this months digest because
we would like to get a little bit of information from our readers, and up
until now we have had very limited contacts with our readers. With the
information we gather from this Survey, we hope to make the Digest a
better magazine, increase our readership, and hopefully get an idea on how
many people are actually reading our magazine!

As a bonus for paying $.25 for sending us back the survey, we are
going to send you a copy of our 'Jokes Plus Sampler' which we are printing
the beginning of Dec. Face it folks, you can't pass up a deal like this,
what, helping us out AND getting a great magazine in process!

INSTRUCTIONS
------------

Please answer only the questions you feel comfortable answering, we
don't want you to feel pressured into this or any thing!

***** (Rick insert that subliminal thing here.) *****

1. Are you a Sysop of a BBS? _________________________________________

2. Are you a member of the FIDO network? _____________________________

3. What is your Net #, and Node # ? __________________________________

4. What is your estimated readership off of your board? ______________

5. At what Baud do you receive the digest? ___________________________

6. Is the digest too big, small, just right? _________________________

7. Do you print out the Digest? ______________________________________

8. Dotmatrix, laser, thermal, daisy wheel? ___________________________

9. Do you ever make photo copies to give to your non-computer owning
friends? __________________________________________________________

10. Have you ever experienced trouble printing out the Digest, if so
explain your problem? _____________________________________________

11. How old are you? __________________________________________________

12. Male/Female? ______________________________________________________

13. Ethnic Origin? ____________________________________________________

14. Where did you first hear about the Digest? ________________________

Humor Digest - December 90

Survey

15. Do you help spread the Digest? ____________________________________

16. Would you be interested in helping us distribute 'Jokes Plus' our
printed magazine when it becomes available? _______________________

17. Do you like our methods of categorization? Why or Why not? _______

18. Would you like to see something else in the Digest, any ideas for
us? _______________________________________________________________

19. What computer system are you using? _______________________________

20. Would you like to see the digest become more like commercial
magazines? IE editorials, letters of feedback, features, etc. ___

21. Other Comments not covered above. _________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

Your name: ____________________________________________________________
Address: ____________________________________________________________
City, State: ____________________________________________________________
Telephone #: ____________________________________________________________

Thank you very much for completing our survey, hope to be hearing
again from you soon!

Rick & Owen

Please send your survey to:

Funny Men Productions
P.O. Box 7694
Eugene, OR. 97401

Humor Digest - December 90

Family Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teary-eyed widow asked the attorney about her late husband's
will. "I'm sorry," he said, "but he left all he had to the Contented Home
for Poor Widows."
"But what about me?" she asked.
"You were all he had."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy went to his psychiatrist complaining that he woke up screaming
every night from alternating dreams: First he would dream he was a tepee,
then he would dream he was a wigwam.
"Doctor, what should I do?"
"Well, first of all," the doctor replied, "relax. You're two tents."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer goes into the Father-Son lawyer firm with a complaint about
his neighbor. "My neighbor the blacksmith keeps stealing my cow's milk.
About 3 pm every day, when the cow is grazing near his shop, he milks the
poor thing dry, so that we get nothing when she comes back to the farm. I
want repayment for all the milk and butter that we've lost, as well as
damages for the emotional trauma Bessie has endured from his hard-handed
milking!"
The elder lawyer replies, "Don't worry about the cow."
Satisfied that his case is in good hands, the farmer leaves. Who
should walk in minutes later but the blacksmith.
"I have a problem," he says. "There is a certain farmer who hasn't
paid me for several tools I made for him. And not only that, but he lets
his cow go tramping all over my horse-pasture, eating all the grass that's
supposed to be for my customer's horses. I have tried chasing the cow
away, putting up barriers, etc, but to no avail. I have taken to at least
getting some returns by milking the cow, but that farmer takes such poor
care of it that the milk isn't very good. I would like to solve my
problems by taking the cow in payment for the tools, penning it up myself
to keep it out of the horse's pasture and taking proper care of it so that
it will produce good milk. Can you help me?"
"Don't worry about the cow," exclaimed the lawyer.
Satisfied, the blacksmith left. The younger lawyer pondered the
afternoon's events for a moment and then asked, "Dad, how can we take both
sides of this issue? What will happen to that cow?"
"Don't worry about the cow, son. In a few weeks, the cow will be
ours!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A golfer shows up for his regular foursome except instead of his
usual partner he brings a gorilla with him; the other two guys are shocked
at first but then start ribbing him a bit.
He scowls "Shut up and watch this!"
He tees up the ball for the gorilla on the first hole, a par 5, 520
yd. hole. He hands the gorilla a driver and the gorilla hits the ball
519
yds.
"Oh, man," groan the other two golfers, "this is going to be a long
day."
So the other 3 men play their balls down to the green, one of the
guys on the opposing team says "The gorilla is lying in one, his score is
going to be fantastic!"
"Not really" says the gorilla's partner, "There's this one minor

Humor Digest - December 90

Family Jokes

problem."
He hands the gorilla the putter and the gorilla drives the ball 519
yds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man realizes he is slowly shrinking, so he decides to go to the
doctor. He runs into the office and yells at the nurse that he has to see
the doctor.
The nurse looks at him and says, "Have a seat and be a little
patient."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy called John goes fishing off a pier. He finally catches a
fish, and is about to put him in the cooler when he hears the fish cry out
"Oh No! Please don't kill me. I'm the only talking fish in the world!"
"Oh yeah?" says John "What's you name?"
"I'm Rusty, the only talking salmon in the world! Please let me
loose, I'm too young to die!"
John thinks about it for a moment, thinks about all the years ahead
that he has, so he lets Rusty go.
60 years later, John is 85 and goes fishing at the same place where
he caught Rusty. Anyways, after a few days he catches this huge salmon
about 5 feet long.
"Rusty?" says John.
"John is that you?" asks Rusty.
"Yeah, hi Rusty!" replies John.
"So, watcha been doing?" questions Rusty.
"Well, I've been working, and just lately retired. What've you been
doing, Rusty?"
"Well John, I went swimming and found the Titanic, and it was so
beautiful I wrote a book of poems about it."
"Oh yeah? What's it called?" queries John. Rusty then says: "It's
THE TITANIC VERSES, by SALMON RUSTY!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The owner locked up and walked out of his bar at closing time.
Minutes later, he was at home and in bed sleeping peacefully... that is,
untill 4 o'clock in the morning, when his phone rang.
"What time does your saloon open?" asked a drunken voice on the other
end of the line.
"Eleven o'clock," snapped the bar keep as he slammed down the phone.
A minute later the phone rang again, and the same voice asked, "What
time did you say your saloon opened?"
"Eleven o'clock, dammnit!" roared the proprieter, "and you can't get
in a minute before."
"Who wants to get in?" asked a very hurt voice, "I just want to get
out..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four women were talking to one another about their sons, whom all
were men of the cloth. The first woman said, "I'm so proud of my son.
He's a monsignor, and when he enters the room, everyone calls him 'His
Holiness.'"
The second woman said, "My son is a Cardinal, and everyone calls him
'His Excellence' when he enters a room."
The third woman said, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters a
room, they say, 'His Emminence has entered the room.'"
The fourth woman said, "My son is only a preist, but he's 6' 7" tall

Humor Digest - December 90

Family Jokes

and 360 pounds and when he enters a room everyone says 'Oh my God!'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was taking a drive in the city with his friend, but every time
his friend would come to red light, he would go right through it. The man
says to his friend after the second time, "Why are you going through the
red lights?"
His friend says, "Don't worry, my brother drives like this."
They come to the third he asks again, "What are you doing?"
The friend says, "I told you, don't worry, my brother drives like
this."
Finally they come to a green light and his friend stops.
Bewilderedly he asks, "Why have you stopped at the green light?"
Says his friend, "Hey, my brother might be coming the other way!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his
boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the
overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the
tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the
shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the
gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man finally went into the doctor because he had been having
terrible headaches for most of his life, and nothing over the counter
worked for him, so the doctor gave him some medicine and said take it for
a week.
He did and came back and told the doctor that it didn't work. The
doctor gave him some different pills and told him to take them for two
weeks and then come back.
He did and said "They didn't work."
So the doctor said, "The only other thing I can do for you is
castrate
you." Well, the man was in so much agony he agreed.
After his surgery he decided to buy himself a new wardrobe to
celebrate the return of headache free life.
He went down to the local tailor and comenced to buy his new clothes.
He looked at a shirt and the tailor said, "You take size 40."
"How do you know that?"
"I've been doing this for 30 years and I can just tell by looking."
Well it fit just right. The same thing happened with his pants, the
tailor was able to tell him the exact size perfectly.
He then decided to buy himself a pair of shorts.
The tailor said, "You need a size 36."
"No, I've worn a size 32 all my life."
"Man, if you've been wearing a size 32 you must get some AWFUL
headaches!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

Social Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher is quizzing the class on American history by repeating
famous quotes and asking who said it, when and where.
The only hand that goes up for every question is that of a Japanese
boy who answers correctly every time. After about five questions she
concludes by berating the rest of the class for not knowing their own
history.
As she turns to the blackboard to write an assignment, someone
yells out, "Fuck the Japs."
She angrily turns back to the class and hollers, "Who said that?"
A boy jumps up and shouts "FDR, to Congress, Dec 8, 1942"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and
Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no
work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the
foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray;
"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man with a grocery
sack coming over the top of the hill.
When he opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down
the hill an lands at his feet! "Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he
cries.
Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs
her to make Nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchaladas and
burittos and other things?" she inquires.
"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...
'NACHO CHEESE! NACHO CHEESE! NACHO CHEESE!' "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men, ages 75 and 85, had been meeting each monday afternoon to
play checkers in a local park for several months. The younger of the two
had noticed that his older companion seemed to always be happy and full of
energy on monday, and decided to find out how he did it.
The next monday the younger man said, "Look here. I am 10 years
younger than you, yet you are always coming to the game with plenty of
energy and pep. How do you do it?"
The older man replied, "Monday is my favorite day of the week. I get
up about 8:30 am, have breakfast, and then go over to my lady-friends
house where we make love three times. Then I eat lunch and come over to
the park to play checkers with you."
"Three times!" exclamed the younger man. "Why, I couldn't even
consider it once! Tell me, what's your secret?"
"Well," replied the older man, "It could be your diet... Do you eat
rye bread?"
"Well... no." replied the younger man.
"Maybe you should try it" said the older man. "It's got lots of
minerals and vitamins for that extra pep!"
The younger man was considering this on his way home, and soon
spotted a bakery. Thinking to himself, "What the heck!", he stopped in
and asked the lady behind the counter for 4 loaves of rye bread.
"Four loaves!" exclamed the woman. "Why, it'll get hard before you
get finished with it!"
"What is this?" exclamed the 75 year old man in disgust. "Does
everybody know about this stuff but me?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

Social Jokes

President Bush is at Camp David with his cabinet one winter morning
when he opens his window for a breath of fresh air and sees this written
in yellow on the snow bank "George Bush is an asshole."
He really gets upset and calls the Secret Service, FBI and CIA.
He tells them to find out what unpatroitc dirtball did this.
Two days later the group reports back... First, the yellow writting
material was urine, secondly, the urine was VP Quayle's and lastly the
hand writting was Barbara's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night he had some trouble with his patrol car and went back to
the station to get it fixed. The repair was going to take several hours
so the sergeant told Kelly to take off a couple hours early. When he got
home his house was dark, so he tiptoed into the bedroom, stripped off his
uniform, hung it up, and went over to the bed.
Just as he was about to crawl into bed his wife said, "Honey I have a
terrible migraine. Would you be a dear and go to the drugstore for some
medicine? Oh, and don't turn on the light it will hurt my eyes."
So Kelly felt his way back to the closet, fumbled for his uniform,
and drove to the drugstore. When he got to the counter with some extra
strength aspirin, the druggist asked, "Say, Officer Kelly want to let me
know why you are dressed in a fireman's uniform?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a farmer who had a cow named Daisy. He decided that
it was time to increase the size of his herd, so he sought the services of
a neighbor who rented a bull for stud work. After a discussion, a price
was set. The farmer was overjoyed - finally his cow would be productive.
The man with the bull, however, would not bring the bull to the farmer's
farm, insisting that the cow be brought to his place. After an argument,
the farmer agreed.
The next morning, the farmer was confronted with a terrible problem:
how would he get the cow to the bull? It was ten long miles from his farm
to the bull, and Daisy was the most uncooperative bitch that had ever
been, so he couldn't walk her there. He hadn't been able to afforded one
of those new horseless carriages, and none of his neighbors had one
either. After much thought, he asked a friend for help, and they loaded
Daisy onto a cart and began pushing her to the stud farm.
Up and down the dirt road they pushed, and finally, after 9 hours of
back-creaking work, Daisy was in the corral with the bull, ready to be
mated.
The farmer asked, "How will I know if it works?"
To which the man replied, "If it works, she'll be eating grass in the
morning. If it don't, she won't."
With that, the man let the bull loose. The bull ran at Daisy,
mounted her, and began his work.
The next morning, the farmer looked outside at Daisy. She wasn't
eating grass. Really upset, the farmer ran outside, caled his neighbor,
loaded her into the cart, pushed it down the ten mile long dirt road, and
had her serviced once again.
He awoke the next mmornin and asked his wife to look at Daisy, to see
if she was eating grass. Much to his dismay, she wasn't. Furious, he
again called for his helpful neighbor and they pushed the cow to the
bull.
This scene was repeated every day for a week. The farm work was
getting behind, and the farmer was suffering from impotence due to the

Humor Digest - December 90

Social Jokes

exhaustion of pushing that damned cow to the bull. When he awoke on the
morning of the eighth day, he asked his wife "Is she eating grass?"
His wife said, "No."
He said, "Well, is she just standing there?"
And his wife said, "No."
The farmer screamed,"Well what the heck is she doing then?"
To which his wife replied, "She's sitting in your cart!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a prayer meeting on a fine spring evening, a black preacher was
walking home one of the sisters in his congregation.
"You know, sister," he commented, "you're the third sister I've
walked home that's pregnant."
"Why, I'm not pregnant," she exclaimed.
The preacher replied, "You ain't home yet, either!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas
and how hard it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at one, two and
four in the morning by a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and
screaming," he recalled.
"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," the
gambler laughed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Polacks purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a
try.
After a long while one Polack said to the other, "Well, we'll throw
him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son
of a bitch!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble.
A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters
instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had
placed a net, but the mother refused.
Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through
the crowd and shouted to the woman. He said that he was a professional
football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few
minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child
drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered.
At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked
it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the
desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into
a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your
ear or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

Humor Digest - December 90

Social Jokes

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar and asks loudly, "Hey, anybody wanna hear some
really good Pollack jokes?"
The bartender says, "Listen, friend. I'm Polish, my bouncer is
Polish, and more than half the people in this bar are Polish."
"Okay," the man says. "I'll speak V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady takes a sea voyage to get over her grief of her recently
deceased husband. Every day as she walks the deck the captains parrot
acosts her asking "How's your ass you old bag!"
One night the ship struck a rock and sunk. After being in the water
for 24 hours the lady comes upon one of the lifeboats.
Crawling aboard she finds it empty except for the offending parrot.
"How's your ass you old bag?" the parrot asks.
"Oh, shut up!" she replies.
"So's mine," replies the parrot, "must be the salt water."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

Adult Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about this department store Santa just got off break
when this little boy sits upon his lap.
So Santa said while touching the little boy's nose, "Do you want some
candy for Christmas?"
The little boy says, "No, it's bad for your teeth."
So the Santa says while tapping on the little boys nose again, "Do
you want some toys for Christmas?"
The little boy responds again, "No, I just had my birthday yesterday
and I don't need any."
So the Santa sitting there all confused said, "Well little lad what
do you want?"
The little boy replied, "PUSSY, and don't tell me you can't get any,
because I can smell it all over your fingers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day during the Christmas season a mailman is on his usual
delivery schedule. He stops by a house, rings the doorbell to deliver a
package and is greeted by a beautiful woman in sexy clothing.
She takes him into the house direct into the bedroom, onto the bed,
and proceeds to make the mailman's wildest fantasies come true. He leaves
happy and dazed.
The next day, he gets all dressed up and goes back to the house. The
woman opens the door, looking like a typical busy housewife with messy
hair, no makeup, etc. She asks the mailman what he wants.
"Aren't we going to do it again?" he asks.
"Hell no!" she replies.
When the mailman asks for an explanation, the woman says, "I was
making up my list of Christmas presents, and when I got to the mailman, I
asked my husband what to get him. And he told me 'Fuck the mailman!'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple was married for many years but the wife had never, ever
given in to her husbands wish for a blow job. Finally one night she
agreed.
She was very fearful that her husband would not respect her anymore
but he assured her that he would indeed still have great respect for her.
As she was going down on him, the phone on the night stand rang. He
picked it up and answered.
He then handed the phone to his wife saying, "Hey, cocksucker. It's
for you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding
sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to the drivers window, he
was surprised to find a very attractive redhead behind the wheel.
"Ma'am," he said," I'm afraid we're going to have to give you a
breathalyzer test to see whether or not you've been drinking."
The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said,
"Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones."
"That's amazing!" the girl cried. "You mean it shows that too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The romantic couple drove the tiny sports car to a deserted wooded
area. She got out, spread a blanket, and began to take off her clothes.
"Honey," she cooed, "if you don't get out of that sports car, I'll be
out of the mood."
"Well," he answered, "if I don't get out of the mood, I won't be able

Humor Digest - December 90

Adult Jokes

to get out of this sports car."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oprah Winfry ran into George Burns one night. She said "If you don't
mind me asking, I have heard you are quite a lover, let alone being as old
as Moses. I was wondering if you'd like to come over to my place. I'm
very curious about you're highly touted skills."
George, being the horney old fart he is, readily agreed.
They get there and proceed to go at it as if there was no tomorrow.
After about 3 hours Oprah finally can take no more. She says "I'd like to
do that again in 30 minutes if you feel like it. It was by far the best I
ever had."
George says "No problem, but you know with my age I'll have to take a
nap for about an hour though. But you have to hold on to my dick while
I'm asleep." Oprah willingly obliges and after the hour passes she wakes
up George and they go at it again. When through she says "My God, that
was even better than the first time. I just have to have it once more
tonight. Are you able?"
George replies "Sure, but I need a two hour nap this time and again
you have to hold onto my dick while I'm asleep." Oprah agrees again and
after the two hours she wakes George up and they do it once again. When
finished, Oprah says "I don't believe it, that was even better than the
first two times combined. I can't understand how you do it but was does
my holding your dick while you're asleep have to do with it?"
George replies, "Nothing at all but the last black bitch I fucked
stole my wallet!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One morning a milk man called on one of his regular customer and was
surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in
her living room. The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night
before. They had played a game called "Who's Who's" in which each of the
men had put their dicks through the hole and the women tried to guess
their identity.
"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been
there."
"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three
times!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nun hailed a cab in San Fransico. After the nun stepped in and
told the cabbie where to go, the cabbie said, "You know, I've always had
this fantasy to make it with a nun."
"Really," asked the nun, "Are you Catholic?"
"Yes."
"Well, pull over, jump on back here and I'll give you a blow job."
The cabbie instantly got hard at that, screeched the cab to a halt,
and jumped into the back with his pants practically off. The nun
proceeded to give the cabbie the best head he'd ever had. Afterwards we
jumped back up front and continued on.
On the way, the cabbie said, "Sister, I have a confession to make.
I'm really not a Catholic."
"You're not? Well, I have a confession to make too. I'm not really
a nun! My name is Percy and I'm on my way to a GAY costume party."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The manager of a prosperous whorehouse in Warsaw one night found, to
his dismay, that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment.

Humor Digest - December 90

Adult Jokes

Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several inflatable 'dolls',
figuring that, given his average clientele, no one would be able to tell
the difference.
Soon he ushered a customer into a room that housed one of the
lovelies, assuring him he was in for an especially good time.
When the customer came out of the room a little while later, the
manager was waiting eagerly in the hallway. He winked at the fellow and
asked, "Well? How'd you like her?"
"I don't know what happened," said the customer, shaking his head.
"I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty
advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand
proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with
a hint of a smile."
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so
kind as to please pass the pussy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly
stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.
"What the hell has happened to you?" the lady asked.
"I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends
pussy," the man moaned.
The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's
all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his
pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late one night a woman was on the way home when a scruffy man
accosted her. He dropped his jeans and told her to do the same, when she
screamed at the top of her lungs, "Help! Help! I'm being robbed!
The man, in amazement, informs the lady that she was being raped, not
robbed.
She blunted the man by replying, "If you are gonna fuck me with that,
I'm being robbed!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

Family Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: "Do you think these jeans make me look fat?"

A: "No, I think it's your butt that makes you look fat!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Texas cowboy?

A: He bought a Dachshund because someone told him to get a long little
doggy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the poverty-stricken snake?

A: He didn't have a pit to hiss in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many
toxic waste dumps?

A: New Jersey had first choice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

Social Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do the female reindeer do when their husbands are busy pulling
Santa's sleigh on Christmas?

A: They go into town and BLOW a few bucks!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

A: Because he only comes once a year, and he shoots up the chimney!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know what MARINE stands for?

A: Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Expected
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's yellow and sleeps alone?

A: Yoko Ono.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many animals can you fit into a condom?

A: A cock and a few hares!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the lawyer say when he stepped into a pile of cow shit?

A: "Oh my God, I'm melting!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What`s two and a half inches long, has 256 balls and screws ducks?

A: A shotgun cartridge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Eunuch and an Eskimo?

A: A eunuch is a massive vassal with a passive tassel, while an Eskimo is
a rigid midget with a frigid digit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the Japanese girl say after she slid down the banister?

A: Holy Smokie!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the definition of a Libyan diplomat?

A: A terrorist that ran out of ammunition!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do Yoko Ono and an Ethiopian have in common?

A: They both live off of dead beetles!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do Jewish girls think prostitution is such good business?

A: "Ya got it, ya sell it, ya still got it!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts cost $ 1.50, deer nuts are under a buck.

Humor Digest - December 90

Social Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear the song about the hemophiliac Biker?

A: It's called "The Bleeder of the Pack."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

Adult Question & Answer Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Canonical List Of Sorority Girl Jokes
by Mike Tierney

Q: What's a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
A3: You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.

Q: How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they always come back for more.

Q: What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers?
A: Sorority girls cost less per score.

Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs.

Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant.

Q: What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
A1: Introduce herself.
A2: Walks home.

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

Q: How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.

Q: What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
A: "Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."

Q: What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
A: Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...

Q: Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everyone gets a turn.

Q: How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
A: Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on
the mattress.

Q: Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
A: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
A: Garbage gets taken out once a week.

Humor Digest - December 90

Adult Question & Answer Jokes

Q: What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
A: Bay of Pigs.

Q: What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
A: Multiple total eclipses.

Q: What is a sorority girl's mating call...
A: "I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"

Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A: After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.

Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?
A1: Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl won't do.
A2: I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
A3: I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it
gets blood.

Tri Delts: I'm sure everyone else has.

If your date won't, Tri Delts.

Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts.

__________ __________
\ / /\ \ /
\ / / \ \ /
\ / / \ \ /
\ / / \ \ /
\/ /________\ \/

Tri Delts: Two out of three go down.

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog?
A: Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.

Q: How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
A2: Seven. One to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet
Coke).
A3: Sixty-Five. One to do it and sixty-four to sing and clap.
A4: One. She holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
A5: Six. One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts.
A6: Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to get her
boyfriend to do it.

Q: Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
A: She's been laid all over the country.

Q: What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
A: "Attention K-mart shoppers"

Q: Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?

Humor Digest - December 90

Adult Question & Answer Jokes

A: So she can fantasize about shopping.

Q: What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

Q: What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

Q: What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
A1: The Dead Sea.
A2: Lake Michigan.
A3: Lake Placid.

Q: How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
A: She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.

Q: What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
A: No makeup.

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda?
A: Nail polish.

Q: How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
A: Marry her.

Q: Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
A: Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once

Q: What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
A1: You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
A2: Only one person can use a telephone at once.

Q: What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage?
A1: Garbage smells better.
A2: A sorority girl attract more flies.

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner?
A1: Nothing. They both suck.
A2: You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
A3: You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
A4: When a vacuum cleaner is full of shit, its easy to dump the old bag.
A5: A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

Q: How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
A1: Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it.
A2: Turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg.

Q: What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a sorority
girl track team?
A: The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.

Humor Digest - December 90

Adult Question & Answer Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a sorority
girl says "any-cock'll-do"

Q: Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
A: To keep her ankles warm.

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?
A: Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and Sorority girls have in common?
A: They both swallow semen.

Q: What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
A: A case of Schlitz.

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsley?
A: You don't eat parsley.

Q: Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar?
A: They are both stuck up cunts.

Q: What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What does a sorority girl make for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
A: So her boyfriend will think he is coming into money.

Q: What is foreplay for a sorority girl?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What did the sorority girl say when she knocked over a priceless Ming
vase?
A: Oh, Daaaaddy, it's ok, I'm not hurt.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
sorority girl?
A: A prostitute says "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says "You're
done already?", and a sorority girl says "Beige... I think I'll paint
the ceiling beige."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa really has it made. He gets the credit and we get the bills.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My kid doesn't believe in anything anymore. At Christmas time I call
him the rebel without a Claus.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every Christmas I get sweaters that are supposed to fit me to a "T".
Trouble is, I'm an "O".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Arrange the following into recognizable English to find out these
familiar Christmas songs and sayings:

1) Move hitherward the entire assembly of those who are loyal in their
belief.
2) Listen, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.
3) Nocturnal timespan of unbroken quietness.
4) An emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good given to
the terrestrial sphere.
5) Embellish the interior passageways.
6) Twelve o'clock on a clement evening witnessed its arrival.
7) Exalted heavenly beings to whom harkened.
8) The Christmas preceding all others.
9) Small principality in Judas southeast of Jerusalem.
10) Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic
cylinders.
11) Omnipotent supreme being who elicites respite to ecstatic
distinguished males.
12) Tranquility on the terrestrial sphere.
13) Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute
crystals.
14) Expectation of arrival to populated area by mythical, masculine
perennial gift giver.
15) Natal celebration devoid of color.
16) In awe of the nocturnal time span characterized by religiosity.
17) Geographic state of fantasy during the season of mother nature's
dormancy.
18) The first person nominative plural of a triumvirate of far eastern
heads of state.
19) Tintinnabulation of vascillating pendulums in inverted, metallic,
resonant cups.
20) In a distant location, the existence of a improvised unit of newborn
children's slumber furniture.
21) Proceed forth declaring upon a specific geological alpine formation.
22) Jovial yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by
us.
23) An act of endearment enthrusted upon the traditional purveyor of
yuletide gifts by the maternal parent as witnessed by the first
person singular.
24) Exclusive of all other worldly goods, a yuletide gift of a pair of
ivory incisors are desired by the first person singular.
25) A melodious sound of the yuletide season emitted by small woodland
creatures indigenous to the rodent family.
26) A metal sphere surrounding a vibrating ball used to distinguish a
popular dance identified by a granite-like substance.

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

27) Exclusive of all other worldly goods, the first person singular
desires the second person singular or plural in the yuletide season.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You Can Tell It's Going To Be A Bad Day When...

1) You wake up - face down on the pavement.
2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4) You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office.
5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6) Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
7) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party but there
aren't any.
8) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the
city.
9) Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
10) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you
don't have a waterbed.
11) Your carhorn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a
group of hells angels on the freeway.
12) Your wife wakes up feeling amourous and YOU have a headache.
13) Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat.
14) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
15) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
16) You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your
panty hose.
17) You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business.
18) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
19) Your income tax check bounces.
20) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
21) Your pet rock snaps at you.
22) Your wife says "Good morning Bill", and your name is George.
23) You are watching a LIVE drug bust on T.V. and realize that it's your
house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Construction project, Atomic Bomb

I. INTRODUCTION

Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court
decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines
from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The
reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be
compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it
is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in
most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court's officially stated
position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such atomic
devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct.
The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by
insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus
the "official" press releases claim national security as a blanket
restriction.
The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction
project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which
will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a
project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in
ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying
interference from the government or the courts.
The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000 dollars, depending
on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last week's column,
"Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in the new step-by-step
format, this month's column will follow the same format.

II. CONSTRUCTION METHOD

1) First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium
at your local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not
recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant
engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local terrorist
organization, or perhaps the Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.

2) Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined
Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm
water after handling the material, and don't allow your children or pets
to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an
insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you
can find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do
nicely.

3) Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most
common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as,
for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.

4) Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by
about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together.

5) Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT).
Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware
man will be happy to provide you with this item.

6) Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step
4. If you cannot find Gelignite, fell free to use TNT packed in with
Playdo or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no
need to get fancy at this point.

7) Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step
3. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere
arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which
might result from vibration or mishandling.

8) To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo
mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of
effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to
effect a small explosion. These detonatior caps can be found in the
electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the
"Blast-O-Mactic" brand because they are no deposit-no return.

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

9) Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children.
The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme
range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known
to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet
or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.

10) Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device!
It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, anc be used for
national defense.

III. THEORY OF OPERATION

The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the
Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear
chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this
column, "Dominos on the March", March, 1968). The chain reaction then
promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a
10 megaton explosion!

IV. NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN

In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's
wife in six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend
full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need.
See you next month!

V. NOTES

a) Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic
element formed by the decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical
structure to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marisum.

VI. PREVIOUS MONTH'S COLUMNS

1) Let's Make Test Tube Babies!
2) Let's Make a Solar System!
3) Let's Make an Economic Recession!
4) Let's Make an Anti-Gravity Machine!
5) Let's Make Contact with an Alien Race!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHIP THRILLS:
The Joke Of Silicon Valley
by Judith Stone

Don't be offended by St. $ilicon's high-tech religion... It's
hackrilege, not sacrilege; he's just pulling your joystick!

You could say that Jeffrey Armstrong has moved beyond wetware and
software, beyond hardware to har-dee-har-hardware... And that's about all
your could say, because once Armstrong gets rolling, there's no chance to
do much else but make the sign of the monitor and shoult hallelujah... But
hush... He's telling the congregation how it came to pass that he quit his
marketing job at a California computer company to become a full-time

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

stand-up-saint...
"One night, as I was home in Santa Cruz, working on my computer,
lightning struck the satellite dish on the roof of my house... I was
rendered unconscious, and when I awoke, the keyboard prayer was on the
screen----'Our program who are in memory, HELLO be thy name' I was given
the name Saint $ilicon, and the Giver of Data, G.O.D., instructed me to
start the Church of Heuristic Information Processing, CHIP, the first
user-friendly religion."
That was in 1984... Since then, the cherub-faced, 40 year-old
Armstrong, a.k.a. Saint $ilicon, the fourth-quarter prophet and strict
fun-damentalist, has been ministering to "the data-distressed, the unwired
masses, the D-based and D-filed,: mostly at corporate events like sales
meetings, motivational seminars, and conventions of computer-store
owners... One of his favorite gigos (garbage in, gospel out) was Apple's
Christmas party...
Usually Saint $ilicon preaches to the sort of people who actually
understand those Wang commercials in which attractive young computer jocks
howl with laughter over what the MIS guy does after they take a DEC
workstation and, via a Wang PBX, get it talking to his own mainframe
through a Wang VS... But tonight not one of his flock sports a
nerdpack... There is a guy wearing a rather large, four-sided healing
crystal in a deerskin shamanic pouch; Saint $ilicon icon is the guest
speaker at the High Frontiers Monthly Forum, a new-age Chautauqua
sponsored by the more-or-less quarterly magazine that's devoted to "the
cutting edge of science, technology and/or psychoactivity."
Among the men and women gathered in the meeting room of Shared
Visions Bookstore in Berkeley, Califormia, are a stockbroker who's going
back to school to become a therapist, a software designer who's going back
to school to become a therapist, a therapist, a holistic video engineer,
and a man whose card says REVERSING ENTROPY IS EVERYBODY'S BUSINSSS... The
crowd is friendly, technohip, bright... Okay, a couple of people are
having
an animated discussion about the mystical acoustic properties of tarantula
spider silk, but basically it's hearening to see the sixties rebooted,
laid back but on-line...
The lectern's been transformed into a red-velvet-draped pulpit for
Saint $ilicon, who wears a white suit with a button on the lapel that says
HAS YOUR DATA BEEN SAVED?... At his neck is a clear plastic brooch with
flashing green, red, and yellow lights controlled by a voice-activated
computer; it looks a bit like petri dish surrounded by tiny Christmas
bulbs... Oh yeah, and a silicon chip is stuck to his forehead... ("The MIT
group wear their chips on their shoulders," he tells the crowd.)
In the compelling twang of a down-home Bible Belter, Saint $ilicon
rocks into the Sermon on the Monitor... "Dearly C-loved, we are assembled
here together because PCing is believing... We're here to console you;
ASCII and ye shall receive... We say there is a life worth
debugging... Data, data, everywhere, but not a thought to think, that's
the
problem... Friends, perhaps you know someone out there with a terminal
illness, some poor hacker with bloodshot eyes in data distress who's been
attacked by the evil one, Glitch, and his wicked helper,
Missingstuffinfiles... Even if your data has been blown all to HAL,
there's
not a thing we can do to bring it back...But we can solace you in your

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

hour of need...
"And that is why the Giver of Data has downloaded to me, from the
heavenly host mainframe, the Keyboard Prayer for the data distressed...
Now
let us make the sign of the monitor [a square traced in the air, if you'd
like to try it at home], bow our heads, and pray responsively."
The crowd mumbles goodnaturedly: "... Forgive us our I/O errors as we
forgive those whoose logic circuits are faulty... Lead us not into
frustration and deliver us from power surges... For thine is the
algorithm, the application and the solution, looping forever and
ever... Return!"
Saint $ilicon holds aloft a Binary Bible, which, he says, he
translated from the ancient Geek, and reads from its first book, Sysgen
I:i: "in the beginning, the Giver of Data generated silicon and carbon and
the system was without architecture, and uninitialized, and randomness was
upon the arrangement of the matrix...." Then come the announcements... For
the "Cathode-lics" in the audience, CHIP is opening a new high school, Our
Lady of Perpetual Upgrades ("We don't have nuns, we have nulls") and a new
junior high school, PC Jr., the Immaculate Deception...
Papal bull isn't the only kind of Saint $ili slings... He's an equal
opportunity tease, offering to perform circuitcisions and bar-code
mitzvahs; he quotes from the Ten Commands ("Thou shalt not pirate
programs") and the Twenty-third PROM for the programmable read-only memory
("Yea, though I commute to the Valley each day, I fear no evil, for my
Mazda is running... You prepare a desk for me in the office of my
competitors... ") For Bootists, there's a mantra (Ohms EPROM RAM ROM); for
the CMOSlems, readings from the glorious Core-RAM: and for aging hippies,
Beep Here Now by RAMDOS...
"Let us turn to hymn number 1101101," the saint cries, exhorting the
faithful to make a joyful noise..."Amazing space," they sing... "how sweet
it is, to have a disk like thee, My files were lost, but now they're
found... There's room on my PC."
During intermission, when Saint $ilicon has finished hawking such
holy relics as posters, buttons, and tapes, he talkds about the true
message of his on high tech antics... "Essentially, I created Saint
$ilicon, the patron saint of appropriate technology, to save myself from
the adverse effects of working seven years in the computer industry," says
Armstrong... "He's the embodiment of certain idealisn."
Like most saints, $ili Armstrong has an odd resume... The Detroit
native holds degrees in psychology and creative wrting from Eastern
Michigan University, and in history and comparative religons from the
University of Califormia at Santa Cruz... A former street poet and vice
president of a garment company, Armstrong was planning to teach when
federal budget cuts dried up positions in the humanities... To support his
wife and daughter (ten year old Guenevere, who thinks his act's a scream),
Armstrong became a Middle East sales representative for Apple... Later he
was marketing manager for Corvus Systems, then Nestar Systems, two Silicon
Valley firms...
My job was to help customers understand what the engineers were
doing... I was what I call an intelligent interface between end users and
people who were creating the technology... I'd go to the engineers and
say,
"What does this do?" and they'd say 'Do?'... They got so cut off from the
rest of the world... I learned that's the only danger of technology,

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

disconnecting from reality... That's when you hurt yourself and other
people...
"Science and traditional religions run on algorithms that is, ridid
rules... Following rules blindly, inflexibly, leads to danger... I
developed
the Church of Heuristic Informations Processing to teach a model of
thinking for technological era: Heuristic thinking is flexible and varied,
offering rules of thumb, not strict, specific laws... Our generation is
challenged to absorb a lot of new information, while staying rooted but
not rigid."
The best way to keep people supple, he thinks, is by getting them to
laugh at themselves... There will be no salvation for the computer
industry
until prepars to meet its mocker...
Tonight's audience is ready to laugh, even when they don't get it
all... "I'm just a beginner with computers," says the man with the crystal
size Big Rock Candy Mountain..."Some of it was over my head, but he's
funny."
The saint's career is going divinely... He seems to be a solid hit on
the circuit circuit, where the silicon savvy get all the in jokes and hang
around after the sermon to tell some of their own... ("One I heard
recently
was, how is Ronald Readgan like Pascal programming? They both use a
semicolon.") He does two weekly radio spots, one heard in the San
Francisco Bay area and the other in New Your, and he is publishing his own
Binary Bible... Several European firms have booked him, including the
Vatican, though the boss won't be there... And he's running for president
on the Technocrat ticket... "We're neither left nor right," he
explains... "We're light... Our motto is, Lighten up!"
After intermission, Jeffrey Armstrong addresses the group as himself,
something he doesn't do with the corporate crowd... He discusses his
desire
to intergrate the linear thinking of the technological age with the
cyclical thinking of the agricultural age, leads an esoteric discussion of
Boolean algebra, and recites poetry... But it's Saint $ilicon who sends
them out the door, warning folks to watch for the signs of PCness envy,
the fear that the other guy's system packs more RAM: than yours, but
ending with the promise of Nerrdvana and words that restoreth the scrool:
"there's no need to abandon hope, all ye who press Enter; in the end
everything will be right justified."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sign in a farmers fenced field:

Do not cross this field unless you can do it in 9 seconds flat...
The bull can do it in 10."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Getting Even With The Answering Mmachine

1) Hello? This is the apartment manager. Due to numerous complaints from
your neighbours, I'm going to have to ask you to put shock absorbers on
your bed!
2) Hi. This is the Burnum and Barley Circus. When you were young, did
you fantasize about joining the circus when you grew up? Well now's
your chance... our geek quit! Call 123-4567 for more information.

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

3) Hi. This is Walt Disney productions calling. Are you busy today?
Trinkerbell called in sick and we need a fairy.
4) Hello. As you know, all public places have two restrooms - one for men
and one for women. We are the Confederation of Hermaphrodites,
Transexuals, Transvestites, and Ambisexuals, and we're petitioning for
a third restroom for us. The only problem is, we can't think of a name
to go on the door.
5) --- CLICK! ---
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Altered Alphabet
By: M. J. Shields

George Bernard Shaw once proposed that one letter of the alphabet be
altered or deleted each year, thus giving the populace time to absorb the
change. Here, according to one critic, is how the suggestion would
work:
In Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replaced by
either "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the
alphabet. the only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch"
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might well reform the
"w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant,
wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i", and Iear 4 might
fiks the "g-j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear, with
Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and the Iears 6-12 or so
modifiing vovlz and rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Ier 15 or
sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov the ridandant letrz "c","y",
and "x"- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez- tu riplais
"ch","sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
lojikl kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. Haweve,
sin xe Wely, xe Airiy, and xe Skots do not skip Ingliy, xei wud hev to hev
a speling siutd tu xer oun lengwij. Xei kud, haweve, orlweiz lern Ingliy
as a sekond lengwij et skuul.

Iors feixfuli,
M. J. Yilz.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bricklayer's Lament

This was originally a letter from a luckless bricklayer in Barbados
to his employer.

When I got to the building, I found that the hurricane had knocked
some bricks off the top. So I rigged up a beam and pulley at the top of
the building and hoisted up a couple barrels of bricks. When I fixed the
building, there was a lot of bricks left over. I hoisted the barrel back
up again and secured the line at the bottom, and then went up and filled
the barrel with the extra bricks. Then I went down to the bottom and cast
off the line.
Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before
I knew what had happened the barrel started down, jerking me off the
ground. I decided to hang on and halfway up I met the barrel coming down
and recieved a severe blow to my shoulder. I then continued to the top,

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in the
pulley. When the barrel hit the ground it bursted its bottom, allowing
the bricks to spill out. I was now heavier than the barrel and so I
started down again at high speed.
Halfway down I met the barrel coming up and recieved severe injuries
to shins. When I hit the ground I landed on the bricks, getting several
cuts from the sharp edges. At this point I must have lost my presence of
mind because I let go of the line. The barrel then came down giving me
another heavy blow on the head and putting me in the hospital. I
respectfully request sick leave.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm My Own Grandpa
By: Ray Stevens

Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as can be,
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red,
My father fell in love with her, and soon they too were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and really changed my life,
For now my daughter was my mother 'cause she was my father's wife
And to complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad,
And so became my uncle though it made me very sad,
For if he were my uncle, that also made him the brother,
Of the widow's grown-up daughter who was of course my step-mother

My father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run,
and he became my grandchild for he was my daughter's son,
My wife is know my mother's mother, and it makes me very blue,
Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And every time I think of it, nearly drives me wild,
Because I have become the strangest case you ever saw,
As husband of my grandmother, I'm my own grandpa.

I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa,
It sounds funny I know, but it really is so,
I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa.

Listen to this now, I'm my own grandpa,
You believe that, I'm my own grandpa,
Talk about incest!

It sounds funny I know, but it really is so,
I'm my own grandpa.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welfare:
Actual Examples Of Letters Recieved By The Welfare Dept.
In Application For Support

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

1) I am fowarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven,
but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper.
2) Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and a half and has been
visited regularly by the clergy.
3) I am glad to report that my husband who is missing, is dead.
4) I am very annoyed to find that you brand my son illeterate (sic).
This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
5) Please find out for certain if my husband is dead? The man I am
living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
6) I am fowarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of
which is a mistake as you can see.
7) My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had
any relief since.
8) Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to live
an immortal (sic) life.
9) You have changed my little boy to a girl, will this make a
difference.
10) I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works
day and night.
11) I want money quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the
doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do any good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anecdotes

Charles De Gaulle 1890-1970

Lunching with English friends at the time of her husband's
retirement, Madame De Gaulle was asked what she was looking forward to in
the years ahead. "A penis," she replied without hesitation. The
embarrassed silence that followed was finally broken by the former
President of France. "My dear," he murmured, "I think the English don't
pronounce the word quite like that. It's `'appiness.'"

Ernest Hemmingway 1899-1961

Hemmingway's contract with his publishers, Scribner's, contained a
clause prohibiting the publishers from changing a single word in his
manuscripts. Maxwell Perkins, then an editor with Scribner's, was reading
"Death in the Afternoon" when he came across the word "fuck." He decided
to apply to the highest authority to get a ruling on whether to delete
it. he read the passage to the elderly Charles Scribner, head of the
firm, who was just about to leave the office and did not feel capable of
reaching an immediate decision. "We will have to discuss this fully when
I come back from lunch," said the distinguished publisher, and on his
notepad headed "What To Do Today" jotted down the one word: "Fuck."

Henri IV 1553-1610, King of France

As the King passed through a small town, a deputation of Burgesses
was drawn up at the gates to receive him. Just as the leading dignitary
began his speach of welcome, a donkey nearby started to bray. The king
turned toward the noisy creature and said with great gravity, "Gentlemen,
one at a time, please."

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

Richard Harris Barham 1788-1845

At Oxford Barham regularly failed to attend morning chapel. His
tutor demanded an explanation. Barham excused himself. "The fact is,
sir, it's too late for me," he said "Too late!" said the astonished
tutor. "Yes, sir," Barham continued. "I'm a man of regular habits and I
can't sit up until sevon o'clock in the morning. Unless I get to bed by
four, or five at the latest, I'm good for nothing next day."

Leo Blech 1871-1958, German composer and conductor.

At a rehearsal of the orchestra of the Berlin State Opera Company,
one of the players could not follow Blech's beat. "You're new here?"
asked Blech. "Yes, I started only yesterday," replied the player. "Well,
your difficulty is understandable," said Blech. "Let's work at it till we
get it right." He spent two hours working with the performer, then said,
"now it sounds right and tomorrow at the premiere you'll be perfect." The
player replied, "But I won't be here tomorrow. I'm only here to help out
with the rehearsals."

William Lisle Bowles 1762-1850, British clergyman.

When Bowles gave a Bible to Bessie Moore, wife of the poet Tom Moore,
she asked him to inscribe it. She was startled to see that the absent
minded divine had written: "from the Author."

Maurice Bowra 1898-1971, British classical scholar.

Parson's Pleasure, the stretch of river at Oxford set aside for men's
bathing, is out of bounds for woman. One day Bowra and a group of other
dons were bathing there au naturel when a boatload of women, disregarding
the "Men Only" signs, rowed into their midst. The dons on the bank
hurriedly grabbed their towels and fashioned impromptu loincloths - with
the exception of Bowra, who threw his towel over his face. When the
intruders had gone, Bowra explained, "I believe, gentlemen, that I am
recognized by my face."

Jack Benny 1894-1974

Benny was never able to make fellow comedian George Burns laugh. "I
thought I had him once in Milwaukee," he told an interviewer. "George
telephoned me from down stairs to say he was coming up. I got undressed
and stood naked on a table posing like a statue holding a rose in my
hand. I figured when he came in the door, he'd have to laugh." "What
happened?"
"He sent the maid in first." replied Benny.

Lord Gerald Tyrwhitt-Wilson 14th Baron Berners 1883-1950

One of his acquaintances was in the impertinent habit of saying to
him, "I have been sticking up for you." He repeated this once too often,
and Lord Berners replied, "Yes, and I have been sticking up for you.
Someone said you aren't fit to live with pigs, and I said you are."

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

Sarah Bernhardt, French actress, 1844-1923

In the United States a clergyman spoke of Bernhardt as "an imp of
darkness, a female demon sent from the modern Babylon to corrupt the New
World." Sarah responded with a note: "My dear confrere, why attack me so
violently? Actors ought not to be hard on one another."
Clergyman across the United States, in fact, denounced Sarah
Bernhardt from their pulpits as the "Whore of Babylon," thereby ensuring
massive attendance at her performances. The Episcopalian bishop of
Chicago having delivered a particularly effective piece of publicity,
Bernhardt arranged for her agent to send him a note and a bank draft.
"Your Excellency," the note read," I am accustomed, when I bring an
attraction to your town, to spend $400 on advertising. As you have done
half the advertising for me, I herewith enclose $200 for your parish."

Prince Otto Eduard Leopold Von Bismarck 1815-1898

Bismarck had been conversing for a rather long time with the English
ambassador when the latter posed a question: "How do you handle insistent
visitors who take up so much of your valuable time?" Bismarck answered,
"Oh, I have an infallible method. My servant appears and informs me that
my wife has something urgent to tell me." At that moment there was a knock
at the door and the servant entered with a message from his wife.

Brendan Behan 1923-1964, Irish playwright.

During one of his alcoholic periods, Behan arrived at his publisher's
office en route for Euston station, wearing his pajamas under his suit.
The publicity director, a friend of the family, was to accompany Behan to
the station to meet his parents. She had the task of making him a little
more presentable.
"On our way to the station we stopped at an outfitter's in a side
street off the Euston Road, and although the cloths in the window had
little to do with Brendan, we went in. As I busied myself informing the
immaculately dressed assistant that we wanted an overcoat, shirt, and a
tie, I did not notice that brendan was preparing himself enthusiastically
for the fitting until, too late, he stood in front of us with not a stitch
between himself and his maker, his suit and his pajamas bunched in a pile
by his tiny bare feet. With a dignity that is essentially the mark of a
perfect English gentleman, the assistant did not raise an eyebrow as he
helped Brendan into his new shirt and back into his trousers as though the
sight of a naked customer in his shop was an everyday occurrence."
Behan was originally a housepainter by trade, and while in paris was
asked to paint a sign on the window of a cafe to attract English
tourists. He painted:

Come in, you Anglo-Saxon swine
And drink of my Algerian Wine.
`Twill turn your eyeballs black and blue,
And damn well good enough for you.

After receiving payment for the job, Behan fled before the cafe
proprietor had time to have the rhyme translated.
Behan was asked what he thought of drama critics. "Critics are like

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

eunuchs in a harem," he replied, "They're there every night, they see it
done every night, they see how it should be done every night, but they
can't do it themselves."

From John Train's "True Remarkable Occurrences"

Married: Moses Alexander, aged 93, to Mrs. Frances Tompkins, aged 105, in
Bata, N.Y., on June 11, 1831. They were both taken out of bed dead the
following morning.

Sophie Arnould 1740-1802 - French actress and opera singer.

A rival actress had been presented by her lover with a magnificent
diamond necklace. The necklace was rather to long and as worn by the
actress it seemed to be about to disappear down er cleavage. Sophie
Arnould commented, "It's just returning to its source."

John Jacob Astor 1763-1848

Astor once observed to Julia Ward Howe, "A man who has a million
dollars is as well of as if he were rich."

Christopher Thomas Atkinson 1874-1964

During one course of lectures Atkinson found himself confronted with
a group of girl students. He began by saying that his talk that morning
would be on the sexual prowess of the natives of the Polynesian Islands.
The shocked ladies made a concerted rush for the door. Atkinson called
after them, "It's all right, ladies, you needn't hurry. There's not
another boat for a month."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Dieter's Prayer
By: Richard Simmons

Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall,
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
At polyunsaturate I'll never mutter,
For the road through life is paved with butter.
And cake is cursed and cream is awful,
And ten extra pounds is hidden in every waffle.
A double chin is in a chocolate drop,
And tummy bulge is in a lollypop.
Teach me the evils of hollandaise,
Of pasta and gobs of mayonnaise.
And crisp fried chicken from the south.
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Groucho Marx

Groucho was working in the garden of his California house, dressed in
tattered and ancient clothes. A wealthy matron in a Cadillac caught sight
of him, stopped and wondered whether she might persuade the supposed
gardener to came and woork for her. "Gardener," she called, "How much
does the lady of the house pay you?"

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

Groucho looked up. "Oh, I don't get paid in dollars," he replied.
"The lady of the house just lets me sleep with her."

During his stint as comedian in a show called "You Bet Your Life,"
Groucho interviewed many participants. On one occasion he interviewed a
Mrs. Story, who had given birth to 22 children. "I lov my husband,"
Mrs. Story said enthusiastically. "I like my cigar, too," said Groucho,
"but I take it out once in awhile."

(This remark, like many others, had to be cut before broadcast. On
average one and a half hours of live show were cut to about 26 minutes of
broadcast.)

Invited to a bachelor dinner at a fasionable restaurant before a
high- society wedding, Groucho and Harpo noted that the automatic elevator
opened directly into the dinning rooms on the various floors. As the
elevator went up, they gleefully arranged a suprise for the assembled
bachelors and emerged - carrying thier clothes in valises and wearing
nothing but top hats.
To their consternation, they were greeted not by raucous roars of
male hilarity but by high-pitched feminine shrieks. The bride was
entertaining her friends on the floor above the bachelor dinner, and
Groucho and Harpo had pressed the wrong button. No ready escape appeared
they took refuge behind a large potted plant until they could drape
themselves in tablecloths secured by a kindly waiter, murmur abject
apologies to the horrified ladies and slink ignominiously from the room.

Marx despised the empty cliches of business correspondence. A letter
from his abnk manager ended with the standard phrase, "If I can be of any
service to you, do not hesitate to call on me." Marx immediately put pen
to paper. "Dear Sir," he wrote, "The best thing you can do to be of
service to me is to steal some money from the account of one of your
richer clients and credit it to mine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
William S. Gilbert

The actress Henrietta Hodson had a long-running feud with Gilbert,
whose dictatorial methods in the theater she strongly resented. At a
rehearsal for a Gilbert comedy she missed the chair and sat down heavily
on the stage. Gilbert applauded from the stalls, "I always thought you
would make an impression on the stage someday," he said.

At rehearsals one day, Gilbert was anxious to speak to a particular
actress and asked a stagehand where she might be found. "She's round
behind," replied the stagehand.
"Yes I know that," said Gilbert, "but where is she?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winston Churchill

As a young subaltern Churchill sported a mustache. At a smart dinner
he fell into argument with a grand dowager who, thinking to quell him,
snapped, "young man, I care for neither your politics nor your mustache."
"Madam," responded Churchill, "You are unlikely to come in contact
with either."

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

Once when Churchill was visiting the White House, President Roosevelt
wheeled himself along to the British Prime Minister's bedroom and open the
door unexpectedly. Churchill was standing in the middle of the room stark
naked and unembarrassed. "You see, Mr. President," he said, we British
have nothing to hide."

George Bernard Shaw sent Churchill a note inviting him to the
first-night performance of "Saint Joan." He enclosed two tickets, "One for
you and one for a friend - if you have one." Expressing his regret at
being unable to attend, Churchill replied, asking if it would be possible
to have tickets for the second night - "if there is one."

Entering the men's room in the House of Commons one day, Churchill
found Clement Attlee already standing at the urinal. Churchill took up
his stance at the opposite end of the urinal. "Feeling standoffish today,
are we Winston?" asked Attlee. "that's right," replied churchill. "Every
time you see something big, you want to nationalize it."

Of the Greek prime minister Plasteras, Churchill once remarked,
"Well, I hope he doesn't have feet of clay, too."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thomas Coleman Du Pont

On arrival at a hotel, Du Pont found that a lady who had previously
occupied his room had left behind a frilly nightgown. He summoned the
manager, handed him the garment, and instructed, "Fill it, and bring it
back."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clarence Darrow

A female client whose legal problems Darrow had solved burbled, "How
can I ever show my appreciation, Mr. Darrow?"
"Ever since the Phoenicians invented money," replied darrow, "there
has been only one answer to that question."

Darrow was being interviewed for a magazine article on the reasons
given by prominent men for their success. "Most of the men I've spoken to
so far attribute their success to hard work," said the interviewer.
"I guess that applies to me, too," said darrow. "I was brought up on
farm. One very hot day I was distributing and packing down the hay which
a stacker was constantly dumping on top of me. By noon I was completely
exhausted. that afternoon I left the farm, never to return, and I haven't
done a day of hard work since."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Dempsey

J. Paul Getty was one of the most wealthy men who frequently came to
watch Dempsey train. Himself a keen amateur boxer, he asked to be allowed
to spar for a round with the champion. getty put up quite a credible
performance until he made the mistake of saying, "Hit me a little harder,
Jack." Dempsey knocked him out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Thomas E. Dewey

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

In the 1948 presidential contest between Truman and Dewey, the latter
looked like a winner. On election night, Dewey asked his wife, "How will
it be to sleep with the president of the United States?" She replied, "A
high honor, and quite frankly, darling, I'm looking forward to it."
The next morning, at breakfast, after Dewey's defeat, Mrs. Dewey
said, "Tell me, Tom, am I going to Washington or is Harry coming here?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My ex-boyfriend is a magician. He walks down the street and turns
into a liquor store.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brain Drainers

A Love Story:

Four men and four women were shipwrecked on a deserted island.
Eventually each falls in love with one other, and is him/herself loved by
one person. John falls in love with a girl, who, unfortunales
(unfortunatly), is in love with Jim. Arthur loves a girl who loves the
man who loves Ellen. Mary is loved by the man who is loved by the girl
who is loved by Bruce. Gloria hates bruce and is hated by the man whom
Hazel loves.

Q: Who loves Arthur?

Monkey Buisiness:

A rope hangs over the top of a fence. The rope has the same length
on each side (hanging evenly over the fence). The rope weighs one third
(1/3) of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a banana,
and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. The
banana weighs 2 ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as the age
of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) is the
same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined ages of the monkey
and it's mother is 30 years. one half the weight of the monkey, plus the
weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the weight
(lead thing on the rope) and the weight of the rope. (this is where it
get tricky) The monkey's mother is half as old as the monkey will be when
it is three times as old as it's mother was when she was half as old as
the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother will be when she is
four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice as old as it's
mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it was as
old as its mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
when it was one fourth (1/4) as old as it is now.

Q: How long is the banana? (Hint: do it backwards)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It used to be that the only thing that were inevitable were death and
taxes, now you can also count on shipping and handling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was winding up a discussion in her fourth grade class on
the importance of curiosity...

Teacher: "Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?"

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Family Jokes

Child: "In the Garden of Eden?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some REAL towns in the U.S.A.

Toad Suck,Arkansas Lizard Lick,North Carolina
Hot Coffee,Mississippi Noodle,Texas
Slap Out,Oklahoma Cut and Shoot,Texas
Gun Barrel City,Texas Pancake,Texas
Hell,Michigan Chicken Bristle,Illinois
Yum Yum,Tennessee Two Egg,Florida
Knockemstiff,Ohio Intercourse,Pennsylvania
Dry Prong,Louisiana Bug Tussle,Texas
Barnacle Itch, California Saccharin Falls, Nebraska
Sari Sari, Wisconsin Boltnut, Tennessee
Squeaky Wheel, New Mexico Sponge, New Mexico
Spackle, West Virginia Crant Schniffle, Nebraska
Las Vegas, New Mexico Paris, Texas
Rhome, Texas Albany, Florida
West, Texas Juice, Florida
Palette, Maine Moon, Texas
Promise, Oklahoma Raisin, New Hampshire
Possibly, Connecticut
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Social Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Franciscans really enjoy Christmas... That's when they don
their gay apparel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FART FACTS & FALLACIES

Q: Is it true that too much farting can cause blindness or sterility?

A: NO! There is absolutely no scientific evidence to support this
fallacy. It was probably created by parents who were afraid of their
children abusing the fart.

Q: Do beans really warrant their reputation as a fart maker?

A: YES. Beans and other pulses (dried edible seeds) contain an
antitryptic factor that interferes with the digestion of proteins.
The undigested protein is worked on by bacteria to produce flatus.
Fried foods also produce a lot of gas because they are so difficult to
digest; a lot is left for the bacteria to work on.

Q: Does excitement enhance farting?

A: YES. Anything that speeds food through the digestive system (as
excitement does) will create undigested food material reaching the
colon, creating a feast for bacteria.

Q: Is it true that farts are flammable?

A: YES. Any college student can tell you that methane and hydrogen, if
lit, will produce a gem-like flame.

Q: Is man at the top of the fart world?

A: NO. Although well up on the scale of farters, man can't hold a candle
to some of nature's farters. Man produces 400-1200 cc of flatus per
day. A cow, whose diet is totally plant material, produces
300,000-600,000 cc of gas per day. But the real gas guzzlers, ranking
number one on the "toot meter", are the elephants, whose flatulance
production runs into the millions of cc's per day.

Q: Is garlic a gas producer as well?

A: Garlic inhibits the growth of bacteria and therefore REDUCES the
amount of flatus.

Q: Is it true that the extinction of the dinosaurs can be attributed to
the fart?

A: VERY POSSIBLE. The extinction of the dinosaur and the rise of the
mammal coincide at about 70 million years ago has led scientists to
the "furry fart theory."
With the mammals came the first true farts. The addition of
extra methane and hydrogen sulfide to the air polluted the dinosaur's
system and eventually came to interrupt the shell-forming glands of

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Social Jokes

these reptiles.
The soft eggs easily broke when jostled. With fewer eggs
surviving, fewer and fewer dinosaurs survived until none were left.

Q: Is Gustav Andre Stool, the famous farting ventriloquist, still alive?

A: YES. Now 83, the famous nightclub entertainer of the late 1940's,
Stool presently resides in Miami Beach. During the late 40's and
early 50's he amazed audiences around the country with his ability to
throw a fart across the stage and into the audience. By the middle
50's his act ran out of steam. No longer in demand, he withdrew into
seclusion. Surfacing again in the late 60's, full of bitterness, he
secretly toured the country embarrassing dignitaries and show business
types by throwing his farts at inopportune times. His final
"performance" came at the second inauguration of Richard Nixon.
Standing in the audience, some 100 feet from the stand, Stool threw
his fart right at Nixon right in the middle of the swearing in. At
that moment the Chief Justice turned to a colleague and was heard to
whisper, "An ominous air hovers over this administration."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a new cereal out and it is aimed at the projects. It's
called "Nut'n Bitch".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because
he was having affairs with his patients?
Yeah, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in
America!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
People who live in glass houses... don't have much of a sex life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sign in a Polish Men's Room... "Please Don't Eat The Toilet Mint"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jock Strap -- "Under the butt nut hut"
Bra -- "Over the shoulder bolder holder".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the sultan entered his harem unexpectedly, his wives let out a
terrified sheik.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, America! Land of the free!
(Except if you're Black, Asian, Jewish...)
Home of the brave!
(Especially if you're Black, Asian, Jewish...)

America the Beautiful (The Jay Parangalan Remix)

Sing with me now!

"Oh beautiful for crowded skies,
For air-polluted bays.
For nuclear catastrophies,
And stinkin' Danny Quayle.
America, America,
God shed his hairs on thee.
We'll bravely guard our VISA card

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Social Jokes

And push for World War III."

Everybody sing!

"Oh, beautiful for rampant crime,
For heroin and coke.
Televangelists to rob us blind,
When were three trillion broke.
America, America,
We've oil slicks on our seas.
We're ignorant of government,
And hooked on MTV."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is incontrovertible proof that Jesus was Jewish:

* He went into his father's business.
* He lived at home until he was 30.
* He thought his mother was a virgin.
* She thought he was God.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
OKLAHOMA 1991 ATTORNEY SEASON BAG LIMIT

1300.01 - General

1) Any person with a valid Oklahoma State hunting license may harvest
attorneys.
2) Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of
currency as bait is prohibited.
3) Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally
struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car
wash.
4) It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5) It shall be unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE
PERRIER" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6) It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7) If an attorney is elected to government office it shall be a felony to
hunt, trap, or possess them.
8) It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter,
drug dealer, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS:

1) Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder 2
2) Two-Faced Tort Teaser 1
3) Back-Stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4) Small-Breasted Ball Buster (Female Only) 3
5) Honest Attorney ENDANGERED
6) Cut Throat 2
7) Brown-Nose Judge Kisser 2
8) Silver-Tongued Drug Defender $100 Bounty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Social Jokes

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Adult Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, a letter from Santa.

Dear _________________,

I recently got your Christmas list, but there's a few problems with
it. I'd like to review them with you, if I could...
Firstly, the twelve drummers drumming are having a bit of a spat with
the eleven pipers piping -- so much so, that they've completely ruined my
toy shop.
The ten lords a-leaping have knocked up the eight maids a-milking,
and the nine ladies dancing all got VD.
I'm up to my ass in bird shit from the seven swans a-swimming, six
geese a-laying, four colly birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and
that damn partidge.
The five golden rings turned my fingers green.
To top it all off, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, my
reindeer are in heat, my dwarves have filed a petition with the ACLU for
gay rights, and I have your Christmas scheduled for February.

Merry fucking Christmas,

Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
College Courses

Home courses on Advanced Sexual Techniques 101 now available. Our
instructors even make bed er I mean house calls. A certificate of fitness
from your doctor is necessary before taking the course. The course
curiculuum is as follows:

1) Eye Contact (looky that babe over there - wink wink nudge nudge)
2) Initial Greeting (haven't I seen you somewhere before?)
3) Conversation (your place or mine)
4) Decision Making (your place)
5) Warming Up (whispering sweet nothings)
6) Decsion Making Second Level (the couch or the bed)
7) Foreplay (you rub mine and I'll rub yours)
8) Advanced Foreplay - Oral Sex
9) Oral Problems (Male) - what to do if you cum and how to say you are
sorry and actually sound like you mean it when you really don't
10) Oral Problems (Female) - (spit or swallow)
11) Initial Sexual Contact - The Entry Manouvre (this won't hurt a bit)
12) Advanced Sexual Contact - Stamina, Penetration and Motion
13) Advanced Sexual Contact - Simultaneous Orgasm
14) Problems - What to do if she cums first or last
15) Relaxation Techniques - what to do between sessions
16) The Second Round - Resuming and Maintaining Arousal
17) The Third Round - (advanced course certificate required)
18) Cuddling and Soothing (why you should not fall asleep right away)
19) The Next Morning - (restart at step 5 for advanced sexual athletes)
20) Parting is such sweet sorrow - how to say goodbye and thanks for the
fun

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Adult Jokes

Advanced Sexual Techniques 102 covers such subjects as the 6 basic
sexual positions, sex toys, bondage and how to enjoy mild S&M for
increased sexual enjoyment. Advanced oral arousal is also covered in
detail. Anatomical diagrams of male and female sex organs will be
supplied. Anal sex will also be covered. A side course dealing with
acceptable lubricants will be covered.

Advanced Course for Olympic Class Sexual Athletes is being prepared
and will be posted if there are any survivors oops!! I mean graduates of
course level 102. Course content is unknown at this time but a tentative
course outline being considered is group sex (sex with two men and one
women and two women and one man. Sex with multiple partners) How to have
sex with an audience in attendance.

A course in refereeing is also available for Olympic judges. Course
outline being considered is scoring in such areas as initial contact,
foreplay, penetration, stamina, multiple orgasms, how to tell a fake
orgasm, oral sex, sexual positions (mandatory and free style), physical
attributes of athletes, inventiveness and acrobatics. How to rate sex
toys and other novelties will also be covered as will recipes of body oils
used for stimulation and lubricants used in free style events using
various body orifices.

For more information please contact Kathleen. All material will be
sent under plain brown wrapper for a fee of $50 (fifty dollars) in
Canadian funds. This fee can be used toward the first of your lessons.

Course rules are as follows. All students regardless of experience
must take course 101. Applications for level jumping will be considered
after this introduction course. All instructions from the instructor must
be followed to the letter except in the Olympic Athlete Class course where
initiative and inventiveness is encouraged. All applicants for the judges
course must successfully pass level 102.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
APPLICATION FOR A NAUGHTY

Name of Applicant _____________________________________
Name of Intended recipient _____________________________________

APPLICANT`S RELATIONSHIP TO INTENDED RECIPIENT:

( ) Husband ( ) Wife ( ) Acquaintance
( ) Fiance ( ) Fiancee ( ) Intended Acquaintance

MY REASON FOR THIS APPLICATION IS:

( ) Anniversary ( ) Pre-marital check ( ) Practise
( ) Annual run over target ( ) Prevent healing up ( ) Dirty water

Other reason/s _________________________________________________

TYPE REQUIRED:

( ) Fast ( ) Slow ( ) Long ( ) Short ( ) Multiple

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Adult Jokes

LOCATION:

( ) Our house ( ) Your house ( ) My house ( ) Car ( ) Anywhere

TIME:

( ) Early ( ) Late ( ) Matinee ( ) All Night and/or Day ( ) Any

APPLICATION CLASSIFICATION:

( ) First Application ( ) Routine ( ) Desperate ( ) On knees

INTENDED RECIPIENT`S REMARKS:

Your application has been joyfully, happily, unexpectedly, excitedly,
coldly, frigidly, (STRIKE OUT INAPPLICABLE) received:

( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) Maybe ( ) Impossible ( ) How much $

MY REASON/S FOR ACCEPTING YOUR APPLICATION IS/ARE:

( ) Anniversary ( ) Pre-marital check ( ) Practise
( ) Annual run over target ( ) Prevent healing up ( ) Dirty water
( ) Birthday ( ) Health

MY REASON/S FOR NOT ACCEPTING YOUR APPLICATION IS/ARE:

( ) Too tired ( ) Too frigid ( ) Too watched ( ) Too sick
( ) Too cold ( ) Too drunk ( ) Too sober ( ) Too bored
( ) Too young ( ) Too good ( ) Too late ( ) Too old
( ) Too scared ( ) Too often ( ) Too pregnant ( ) Too sore
( ) Too early ( ) Too mean ( ) Too important ( ) Too hot
( ) Too rusty ( ) Too morrow ( ) Too messy ( ) Too sated

SPECIAL NOTE: This form is to be returned, post haste, to applicant, duly
completed by recipient.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One buddy talking to another:

"Me, fight with my wife! Hell No! She's got half the money and all
the pussy, the argument is already won! Last week I had my wife down on
her hands and knees begging... begging for me to come out from under
the bed and fight like a man!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach,
occasional cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man who worked for the Fire Department came home one day and told
his wife, "you know, we have a wonderful system for being organized at
the Fire Dept."

Bell 1: We all put our coats on
Bell 2: We all slide down the pole

Humor Digest - December 90

UnCategorized Adult Jokes

Bell 3: We're on the truck and ready to go

From now on we are going to run this house the same way. When I say...

Bell 1: You strip naked
Bell 2: You jump in bed
Bell 3: We are going to screw all night

The next night he came home from work and yelled...

Bell 1, and she took off her clothes
Bell 2, and she jumped into bed
Bell 3, and they began to screw

After 2 minutes, she yelled- "bell 4!"
He said "What the HELL is bell 4?"
"More hose!" she said, "You're no where near the fire"!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

Poems

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Knight From SAC

Twas the night of the trials, when all through Iraq
All the troops were assembled, each one with a pack.

The Kuwaiti emigrates were fleeing with care
Cause large profits from oil, they did not share.

The locals were huddled on palace-like floors
As Iraqi soldiers were storming their doors.

With the whole world watching and soldiers on guard,
Even newscasters agreed, Saddam was too hard.

When right over Baghdad, there arose such a clatter,
Hussein jump up to see what was the matter.

Away to the window, he flew like a flash,
He pulled back his moustache and threw up the sash.

When what to his beady little eyes should appear,
But B-52's with Christian bombadiers!

With a squadron of Eagles defending their flanks,
He knew in a moment, it must be the Yanks.

With a chuckle t'was heard as far as the Nile,
"IP Inbound", the Nav announced with a smile.

The crew dogs all thought it a nice touch of class
To change Iraq's landscape from sand into glass.

Now rockets, now missiles, now B-52's,
"Let's light up Baghdad for the late evening news."

Over guard channel came words of attack,
"If you missed sunrise this morning, here's another from SAC!"

On the mosque, on the palace, on every last wall,
Bombs away! Bombs away! Let the nuclear's fall!

The onto the housetops, SAC's rage did fall,
With great mushroom clouds, engulfing them all.

America's present to Saddam the Sage,
A fully-paid ticket to the Stone Age.

Then the planes turned, headed back to their homes,
Assured that Saddam was charred to the bone.

And flight leaders exclaimed, as the started to land,
That's one for the good guys, the ragheads be damned!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

Poems

A Woodstock Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse.

Dad at the whore house, mom smoking grass,
I'd just settled down, for a nice piece of ass.

Then out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece, to see what was the matter.

He came down the chimney, like a bat from hell,
I knew right away, the fat fucker fell.

He filled all the stockings,with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick, for my brother the queer.

He arose from the chimney, with one hell of a fart,
that son of a bitch, blew the chimney apart.

He swore and cursed, as he flew out of sight,
piss on you all, and have a hell of a night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
X-mas in the 20th Century

'Twas the night before Christams -- the very last one --
when the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.

Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
A satelite spotted him making his way.

The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
Was ready for action, and started to fire!

The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.

I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
Wen out of my chimmney there came a great noise.

I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
St. Nick bringing presents for Missus and me.

But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking;
A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!

Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
Outside burning toys like confetty they fell.

So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.

Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.

Humor Digest - December 90

Poems

It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
If the crazy contraption would work very well.

So after a trillion or two had been spent
The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.

So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The MONTH? before Christmas

It was a month before Christmas, and just for a stunt,
Santa had his face buried in Mrs. Clauses' cunt.

There was a loud noise and Santa Jumped with a start
It seemed Mrs. Claus had cut loose with one hell of a fart.

All Santa could do was gag and to spit,
His face and his beard were all plastered with shit.

Mrs. Claus was still on the bed, panting and groaning,
Hollering for Santa to try and get his bone in.

Santa started laughing and shouting, and with a loud cheer,,
Said I know what to do, I'll screw one of the deer.

They're cleaner and neater, and don't you suppose,
I'll be just the right height if I stand on my toes.

Santa ran from the barn Shaking his head at the noise,
Saying Jesus Christ, how'd I know they were all boys.

It was getting about time to head for the south,
Santa hoping he could get rid of the taste in his mouth.

As the reindeer proceeded to line up in fours,
Santa hollered "Merry Christmas Mrs. Claus this vibrator is yours!"

As Santa and his sleigh streaked into the sky,
He said you may not be able to fuck yourself, but why don't you try.

While Santa rode in the night, his ass frozen to the sled,
He started thinking of Mrs. Claus at home in her warm bed.

Santa spun in midair and headed back to the pole,
They say he never got farther from that hairy old hole.

The moral of this story will end with this bit,
Any job that you do, you just have to take shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, The NIGHT before Christmas

Twas the night before christmas when all through the house,

Humor Digest - December 90

Poems

the whole damn family was drunk as a louse.

Grandpa and grandma were singing a song,
and the kid was in bed flogging his dong.

Ma home from the cathouse and I out of jail,
had just settled down for a good piece of tail.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped off of ma to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I made a mad dash,
threw open the window and fell out on my ass.

And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
but a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer.

With a little old driver holding his prick,
I knew in a moment that bastard was nick.

Slower than snails his chargers they came,
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name.

"Now Dancer, now prancer, up over the walls,
quick now, damnit, or I'll cut off your balls!"

Then up on the roof he stumbled and fell,
and came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.

He staggered and stumbled and went to the door,
he tripped on his cock and fell to the floor.

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Piss on you all, It's a hell of a night!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DC Christmas!

T'was the night before christmas and all through DC,
not a creature was stirring except Marion B.

The streets were abandoned, while drug dealers slept,
but the mayor in his limo, through northwest he crept.

A silver spoon was hung from his neck with great care,
in hopes that Charles Lewis soon would be there.

When, all at once there arose such a clatter,
he halted his limo to see what was the matter.

And what, to his wondering eyes should appear,
but a pile of white powder, a mountain of cheer.

He jumped from the limo, lickety split.
Five minutes later the mayor was lit.

Humor Digest - December 90

Poems

He snorted and shoveled that coke up his nose.
His eyes were all bloodshot and glowed like a rose.

Back to the limo he ran like a flash.
Now that that's gone let's go home to my stash.

I heard him exclaim with no hint of strife,
I'll snort if I like, I'm mayor for life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Collection Of Top 10 Lists
From "Late Night With David Lettermen"
For The Year 1987
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bernhard Goetz's Top 10 Pickup Lines
June 17, 1987

10) "Excuse me, Miss. I was shooting at the gentleman next to you.
9) "How'd you like to double date with the Sliwas?"
8) "Care to dance with an intense gun-toting loner?"
7) "You would have a very curvy chalk outline."
6) "I hate these pistol ranges, they're just meat markets."
5) "Sure, I know Gabe Pressman personally."
4) "Give me a scotch and soda and see what the punk on the floor will
have."
3) "Which do you think is funnier - Deathwish II or Deathwish III?"
2) "The evening is young. Let's clean up this town."
1) "That is a gun in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."

Top 10 Radio Formats
June 18, 1987

10) Dog-frequency easy listening
9) Bagpipes for lovers
8) Amish call-in
7) Top hits marred by heavy static
6) Brothers of superstars
5) 24-hour phone-in whistling
4) Noisy music for the unemployed foreigners next door
3) Gospel parakeets
2) News with swear words
1) Show tunes for sissy-boys

Top 10 New York City Science Projects
June 19, 1987

10) Summer Heat and Rotting Garbage: Fuel of the Future
9) Buoyancy in Mob Corpses
8) Roaches and Music: Pretty Much Any Nightclub in Town
7) Trigonometry of the Ricochet
6) Inducing Unconsciousness in Strangers
5) Shoving Matches: The Universal Language
4) Removing Flesh from a Gold Chain
3) Men Who Kiss Each Other
2) Bio-pneumatics: Token-sucking Observed
1) Lab Rats: Sissy Cousins to the Real Thing

Top 10 Sources of Friction in the Arnold Schwarzenegger
Maria Shriver Marriage
(6/22/87 repeat)

10) Language Barrier

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

9) Forrest Sawyer Drops in at All Hours
8) Puts Steroids in Mint Dish as Practical Joke
7) Uncle Ted Always Wants to Arm Wrestle
6) Thinks Jane Pauley is a "Fabulous Babe"
5) Refuses to Learn Works to "Edelweiss"
4) Muscle Magazines Leave No Room in Rack for Town & Country
3) Uses "Bulking up" as Excuse to Eat Like a Pig
2) Rose Always Wants to Arm Wrestle
1) Body Oil on the Upholstery

Top 10 Things That Will Happen Before the Olympics are Held in Korea
June 23, 1987

10) Jesse Jackson Sends Away TV Cameras: Demands Privacy
9) Amish Terrorists Seize Airliner
8) Bob Guccione Offers Million Dollars to Barbara Bush for Photo Layout
7) Ishtar II
6) Jane Pauley Shaves Head to Lower Wind Resistance
5) Shuttle Mission to Moons of Jupiter Manned by the O'Jays
4) Record Turnout at New York City Ballet's Father/Son Picnic
3) Letterman to Star in TV Adaptation of "The Hobbit"
2) Sunday Morning Today Show Shatters Nielsen Record
1) Mike Tyson Named England's New Poet Laureate

Don King's Top 10 Titles for the Pope/Waldheim Meeting
June 24, 1987

10) The Meet at St. Pete
9) The Grapple Near the Sistine Chapel
8) The Thrilla in the Basilica
7) Vati-Krieg
6) The Nazi Meanie vs. the Guy in the Beanie
5) His Grace Meets the Master Race
4) Fun with the Hun
3) Woodstock II
2) Pops 'n' Schnapps
1) A Couple of Really White Guys Sitting Around Talking

Top 10 Off-Season Sports on ESPN
June 25, 1987

10) Uninflated Basketball
9) Fat Guy Hacky-sack
8) No-Hands Auto Racing
7) Shirts-and-Skins Speed-Typing
6) Amish Rake Fights
5) Miniature Horseshoes
4) Dropping Cows from Planes
3) Padded Suit Lumber Swat
2) Oprah Tipping
1) Dog Hockey

Top 10 Offers G.E. Has Made to the Striking Technicians at NBC
July 22, 1987

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

10) Immediate Upgrade of Bulbs in Desk Lamps to Next Highest Wattage.
9) Unlimited Air Travel on Delta Airlines.
8) Free Muppet Babies Mug with Purchase of Every Large Commissary Cola.
7) Kitchen Privileges at Michael Landon's Beach House.
6) Sports Crews on Road Trips No Longer Have to "Tuck In" Joe Garagiola.
5) Real Medical Personnel in NBC Infirmary - Not Willard Scott in Nurse's
Costume.
4) Free Copy of Robert C. Wright's New Album "Funk Machine".
3) End Bryant Gumbel's So-called "Buddy System".
2) Manila Envelopes Filled with Alf-droppings.
1) No Longer Have to Refer to G.E. Executives as Microcephalic; May
Openly Call Them Pinheads.

Top 10 New Advertising Slogans for Delta Airlines
July 16, 1987

10) Delta: We're Amtrack with Wings.
9) Delta: Join Our Frequent Near-miss Program.
8) Delta: Ask About Our Out-of-court Settlements.
7) Noisy Engines? We'll Turn 'em Off!
6) Delta: Complimentary Champagne in Free-fall.
5) Enjoy the In-flight Movie on the Plane Next to You.
4) Delta: The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides.
3) Delta: You Think It's So Easy, Get Your Own Damn Plane!
2) Delta: Our Pilots are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose.
1) Delta: We Might Be Landing On Your Street!

And 5 more just for the heck of it...

5) Delta: Terrorists are Afraid to Fly with Us.
4) Delta: Bring a Bathing Suit.
3) Delta: So That's What Those Buttons Do!
2) Delta: A Real Man Lands Where He Wants To.
1) Delta: We Never Make the Same Mistake Three Times

Top 10 Reasons Sylvester Stallone & Brigitte Nielsen Are Separating
July 17, 1987

10) She Never Put the Cap on the Body Oil.
9) She Kept Confusing "Rocky II" and "Rocky III".
8) The Closest He Could Get to Saying Her Name Was "Buh-juh".
7) She Couldn't Get the Hang of Making Nestles Quik.
6) Her Ceaseless Cello Practicing Made It Difficult for Him to Work on
His New Translation of Flaubert.
5) Wrestling Pit Bulls Not an Adequate Form of Foreplay.
4) She Got Tired of His Tirades About the "No-talent" Arnold
Schwarzenegger.
3) She Saw "Rhinestone".
2) She Got Tired of Explaining How the Paperweight Worked.
1) Fights During Scrabble Games Over Whether "Yo" is Real Word.

Peter Holm's Top 10 Grievances Against Joan Collins
July 22, 1987

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

10) Waiting Area Outside Bedroom Had Old Magazines
9) She Made Him Empty Makeup Buckets to Earn $20,000 Weekly Allowance
8) Other Pets Have Their Names on Water Dishes
7) Annoyed By Reminiscences About President Van Buren's Sexual Prowess
6) Couldn't Break Her Habit Of Hollering "Next!"
5) Wouldn't Support His Campaign for Presidency of "Weaselly Gigolo Club"
4) Never Invited to Annual "Night of 100 Paperboys"
3) Freak Electrical Storm Caused Bedroom Lights to Go on During Night
2) Somebody Finally Told Him What "Parasite" Means
1) Tired of Passing Motorists Honking and Yelling "I Had Her!"

Top 10 Dear Abby Letter Signatures
July 23, 1987

10) Bewildered in Baltimore
9) Can't Sit Down in San Pedro
8) Female, Bearded and Happy
7) Bitter-Soon-to-be-Divorced-Former-Swedish-Rock-Star
6) In Prison and Loving It
5) Naked in James Garner's Garage
4) A Cleveland Baseball Team
3) Bryant Gumbel
2) Mr. Pelican Pants
1) 'Whipped in the White House

Top 10 Other Things George Schultz is Mad About
July 24, 1987

10) Nude Photos of Mrs. Schultz Found in Ollie North's Wallet
9) Afternoon Hearings Force Him to Miss "His Stories"
8) Nobody Writes About His Obsession with Jody Foster
7) No One in Washington Wants to Get a "George Schultz" Haircut
6) Doesn't Get Half the Skirt Kissinger Did
5) His Video is no Longer in Heavy Rotation on MTV
4) "George Schultz Potato Puppets" not Selling Very Well
3) Hogan's Men Always Cutting Through Barbed Wire*
2) Always Gets Barbara Bush's Keys at White House Swap Nights
1) His Secretary Looks More Like Monty Hall

* Sorry, that's Sgt. Schultz

Top 10 Things Overheard at Billy Joel's Moscow Concert
July 29, 1987

10) Concert? I thought this crowd was to buy toilet paper.
9) I would applaud even if I were not ordered to do so!
8) I'm a communist party animal!
7) Our countries may have their differences, but we can agree "Piano Man"
really gets on your nerves.
6) There's no chance Yakov Smirnoff will come back, is there?
5) Check it out! Loose potatoes! Loose potatoes!
4) I'll bet they make this into another crummy HBO special.
3) The one who threw the Frisbee . . . shoot him.

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

2) His female fans are covering the stage with burlap panties!
1) You see -- they are not all as annoying as Donahue.

Top 10 Commercial Casket Models
July 30, 1987

10) The Dirt Master
9) Tupper-Tomb
8) Krazy-Kasket from Whammo
7) The Slim Reaper
6) The 19th Hole
5) McCoffin Styrofoam Casket
4) The Comfort-King Velvetliner (endorsed by Paul Anka)
3) Cap'n Crypt
2) The Cardboard Warrior
1) The La-Z-Boy Eterna-Lounger

Top 10 Folk Dances Or Mild Nervous Disorders
(some repeat from 1986)

10) The Tarantella
9) The Reel
8) The Jitters
7) The Clog-Dance
6) The Screamin' Meemies
5) The Fling
4) The Hula
3) The Willies
2) Just Plain Edgy
1) The Shakes/The Hokey Pokey (tie)

Top 10 Worst Jobs in New York City
August 4, 1987

10) Peep Show Booth Swabber
9) Subway Courtesy Monitor
8) Projectile Catcher, Base of Empire State Building
7) Derelict Stubble Maintenance Man
6) P.R. Director, Bernhard Goetz's Soul Kitchen
5) De-louser for Broadway Show "Cats"
4) Curator, American Museum of Bodily Fluids
3) Guy with Office Next to Rex Reed
2) Port Authority Singalong Leader
1) Mob Corpse De-bloater

Joe Niekro's Top 10 Excuses
August 6, 1987

10) The emory board is a new super-grip popsicle stick.
9) I only used it to apply Vaseline to the ball.
8) I needed it to scrape dried wads of chewing tobacco off the bullpen
telephone.
7) Delicate double-knit uniforms easily snagged on rough nails.
6) I was using it to make a statue of commissioner Ueberroth.

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

5) I used it as a bookmark for my dugout copy of Shirley MacLaine's
autobiography.
4) Rules of fair play are for saps and squares.
3) I've been hypnotized by evil dogs.
2) It was all William Casey's idea.
1) I like to give pedicures to ballboys.

David Letterman's Top 10 Questions People Ask Me
August 6, 1987

10) Did someone cut your hair with a pocket knife?
9) Are you going to do Carnac tonight?
8) If you're really a detective, shouldn't you have some I.D.?
7) What sort of work are you looking for here at CBS?
6) Why would I want to pull your finger?
5) Who told you this was a nude beach?
4) More Champale, my funky friend?
3) Would you like an attorney assigned to you by the court?
2) Who is this? Why do you keep calling?
1) How did you get a show?

Top 10 Rejected Donahue Topics
August 7, 1987

10) People who keep thinking it's Tuesday
9) Heterosexual men who worship Judy Garland
8) Problems of guys named Don
7) People who have seen Raymond Burr naked
6) Blacks who really get a kick out of sonny Bono
5) Department store Santas who marry their customers
4) People who swear Rex Reed stares in their windows at night
3) Invisible mute people who don't show up on videotape
2) Women who just can't forget Ted Bessel
1) Professional Bowlers who touch themselves

Top 10 Unnecessary Surgical Operations
August 11, 1987

10) Hernia Implant
9) Saliva Transfusion
8) Decorative Lung Fringe
7) Internal Tanning
6) Carbonation of Spinal Fluid
5) Adding Third Taillight
4) Molding Liver into Shape of Little Scottie Dog
3) Ball-scuffing (A mistake, this should have appeared on another list
about Joe Niekro)
2) Permanent Bow-tie
1) Combining Large & Small Intestine into One More Manageable Medium
Intestine

Top 10 Surprises in the President's Speech
August 12, 1987

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

10) Pajama tops didn't match bottoms
9) Unexpected Bob Hope walk-on
8) Smouldering armchair in background cause for concern
7) Couldn't remember 4th & 5th verses of "Wabash Cannonball"
6) Impromptu cornet solo by Howard Baker
5) Obvious plugs for new presidential shampoo & conditioner inappropriate
4) Unannounced 3-minute clip from "La Bamba"
3) Refusal to add caffeine to 7-Up an odd cornerstone for U.S. foreign
policy
2) Tearful confession that he killed William Casey with poison blow-dart
1) Hysterical shouts of "We're hurtling toward the Sun!" made poor
closing statement

Top 10 Least Successful Yankee Stadium Promotions
August 13, 1987

10) Shave a player's legs night
9) Pick your own car radio parking lot bonanza
8) Oldtimers' widows vs. Triple-A All-stars
7) Your wife's nude photo on Diamondvision night
6) Anyone can pitch night (only against Cleveland)
5) Underwear swap with grounds crew
4) Yogi Berra makeover night
3) Look in Dave Winfield's pants night
2) A night in the court of Louis XIV
1) Players adjust your cup night

Top 10 Things Communists Are No Damn Good At
August 18, 1987

10) Surfing
9) Imitating Elvis
8) Laying Rubber in Front of the Dairy Queen
7) Arena Football
6) Stage-diving at Motorhead Concerts
5) Broadcasting Warm Sitcoms Featuring Lovable Black Families
4) Naming Soft Ice Cream Cakes
3) Ball-scuffing
2) Producing a Boxer with as Much Heart as Rocky
1) Guessing Final Jeopardy

Top 10 Excuses by the U.S. Basketball Team for Their Loss
to Brazil at the Pan American Games
August 25, 1987

10) Had really heavy lunches
9) Upset about Valerie Harper leaving "Valerie" show
8) U.S. team often played as many as 2 white guys at once
7) Overcome by mysterious sleepiness after barrage of blowdarts from
Brazilian bleachers
6) Disturbed by pregame discovery of Brent Musburger's shrunken head in
locker room
5) Unnerved by hundreds of Hitler clones doing wave in stands
4) Constantly threw ball out-of-bounds to stop shrieking of spider

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

monkeys
3) That big liar Fred MacMurray didn't come through with the promised
Flubber
2) Tired out from night before's mixer with gymnastic sluts
1) Team motto "Go for the silver" not very inspiring

Top 10 Things Overheard in a General Electric Research Lab
August 26, 1987

10) "Wow! Look at that stuff burn!"
9) "I keep forgetting, which is AC and which is DC?"
8) "Are you crazy? Do you know how much a recall would cost?"
7) "Whoops!"
6) "Watch what happens when I toss these bolts into the turbine."
5) "This is the episode where they almost get off the island."
4) "What we save on the radiation shielding, we can put into advertising.
3) "The new guy develped a new long-lasting, inexpensive filament. Kill
him."
2) "The squid is no longer responding to the mind control! AAIIEEEEEE!
1) "Here comes the tour group. Put your pants on."

Top 10 Reasons Why TV is Better Than Books
August 27, 1987

10) Book readers miss out on K-tel record offers
9) Can't drive and read at the same time
8) No one ever got a paper cut from Hugh Downs
7) Books ask difficult questions but don't give away cars or cruises for
right answers
6) Books written by pasty-skinned geeks; TV full of chesty babes
5) "Soul Train"
4) Learning to work TV set solid training for future astronauts
3) TV easier to spell than book
2) No fun to dance in your underwear in front of book about Jane Pauley
1) Ralph Waldo Emerson. The Equalizer.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Retiring from Show Business
August 28, 1987

10) Tired of Endlessly rehearsing so-called "ad-libs"
9) Want to really get to know my bodyguards
8) New government regulations pay me more to not entertain
7) Thrill has gone out of humiliating underlings
6) grueling 4-hour work week just too much
5) No longer under protection of federal witness relocation program
4) must return to home planet for sacred mating ritual
3) Photos Paul ha sare more incriminating than I first thought
2) Jack Nicklaus asked me to . . . and that's enough for me
1) I saw last night's show

The Pope's Top 10 Complaints About His U.S. Tour
September 15, 1987

10) Often mistaken in restaurants for Lee Iacocca

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

9) Not sure how people got impression he came over to fight Mike Tyson
8) Disappointed to find out there is no real Ponderosa
7) Mark Goodman's hair
6) 7 bucks? For a movie?
5) McDonalds coupons from one city not always honored in another city
4) Hitchikers keep switching stations on Popemobile radio
3) Lukewarm crowd reaction to his 20-minute bass solo
2) Casey Kasem
1) Doctrine of Papal Infallibility no help to him on Final Jeopardy
question

Top 10 Names for Robert Bork's Beard
September 16, 1987

10) The Chin Slinky
9) The Amish Outlaw
8) The See-Through
7) My Very First Beard (from Kenner)
6) The Lunatic Fringe
5) Senor Itchy
4) The Radioactive Goat
3) Salute to C. Everett Koop
2) Gopher Butt
1) The Babe Magnet

Top 10 Rejected Provisions of the U.S. Constitution
September 17, 1987

10) President may not use army and navy to get back at guy who beat him
up in junior high
9) Give vote to dogs who "think they're people"
8) When flag passes everybody has to open eyes as wide as they can and
say "Gollee!"
7) Third house of Congress to be filled by really fat guys
6) If president and vice president die suddenly, presidential office
shall be filled by People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive"
5) Cruel and unusual punishment is OK on Andy Rooney
4) The national bird must be served on a bun - never on a stick
3) Each state will have the right to claim they have the hottest-looking
babes
2) Damage deposit of $25 required before renting the White House for keg
parties
1) The president can change his name as often as he likes

Top 10 Questions Asked of Miss America Finalists
September 18, 1987

10) Since when is knuckle-cracking considered a talent?
9) If you were shipwrecked on a desert island with Geraldo Rivera, how
long would it be before you took your own life?
8) How's it feel to be the only contestant with a fat butt?
7) Aren't I a lot cuter than Bob Barker?
6) Have you ever been on a cruise with Gary Hart?
5) Why are they called celebrity judges when none has had a decent job in

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

years?
4) Aren't there any other girls in your state?
3) If you had to earmark one of the other girls for death, which one
would it be?
2) Quick -- spell America!
1) Do you really think you have a chance, Mr. Biden?

Top 10 Reasons Joe Biden Dropped out of the Presidential Race
September 23, 1987

10) To promote his new album "Bad"
9) Plans to spend more time with imaginary coalminer relatives
8) He accidentally delivered Nixon's resignation speech
7) Realized he didn't have a chance against the Gephardt juggernaut
6) His term paper business is really taking off
5) Couldn't pronounce "Ich bin ein Berliner"
4) Finally got tickets for last leg of Dead tour
3) Decided to run for presidency of Hair Club for Men
2) "The New Monkees" are on TV now and a man has just so much time
1) Wants to chase skirts full-time with Gary Hart

Top 10 Things Robert Bork Regrets
September 24, 1987

10) Ruling against plaintiff in Lovable Homeless Puppies vs. State of
Illinois
9) Starting a beard he couldn't finish
8) Challenging Ted Kennedy to a dough-eating contest
7) Bragging to buddies that he'd be tongue-wrestling Sandra Day O'Connor
by Christmas
6) Putting Pop Tarts in pocket of condemned man to see what electric
chair could do
5) Letting Billy Dee Williams beat him out for that malt liquour
endorsement deal
4) Letting Justice Rehnquist talk him into buying half-interest in boxing
kangaroo
3) All those long tear-stained letters to Ray Walston
2) "Doing the elephant" at Warren Burger's retirement party
1) Stormy 3-week marriage to Morganna the Kissing Bandit

Jessica Hahn's Top 10 Turn-Ons
September 25, 1987

10) Guys with their own amusement parks
9) Sipping drugged wine with someone who respects me
8) Making Mom really mad
7) Suits that are at least 30% cotton
6) Men who look like frogs
5) Jokes about Donna Rice
4) Some of the commandments
3) High school graduates who aren't all stuck-up
2) Men with wives who make me look good
1) A single perfect rose and a sack of hush money

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

Top 10 Other Things William Casey Said on His Death Bed
September 29, 1987

10) "Nice nurse outfit, Woodward."
9) "That fruit cake Mrs. Reagan sent me tasted kinda funny."
8) "They actually tried that Iran thing? I was just kidding!"
7) "Oh boy, only one more piece to go and I complete my Civil War chess
set."
6) "Here's another one for you, Sandy Duncan is KGB."
5) "If Michael Jackson calls, hold out for half a million."
4) "C'mon. One last sponge bath."
3) "Damn! Just when arena football was getting good."
2) "If they make a movie, don't let Pee Wee Herman play me."
1) "Remember the Gong Show? I was the unknown comic."

Mikhail Gorbachev's Top 10 Excuses for Being Missing
September 30, 1987

10) Having cosmetic surgery to make his nose resemble Diana Ross'
9) In a really long line for toilet paper
8) Afraid he might run into Billy Joel
7) Wanted to just suddenly appear in public with really big muscles
6) Sick of being asked what "glasnost" means
5) Finally got hand unstuck from pickle jar
4) Working on ambitious plan to introduce chain of Rusty Jones outlets
throughout USSR
3) Bought van; followed Grateful Dead on tour
2) Overseeing joint CIA/KGB plan to eliminate Yakov Smirnoff
1) On a trans-Siberian sex bender with Miss Estonia

General Electric's Top 10 Earthquake Tips
October 1, 1987

10) To communicate with neighbors, flip porch light on and off
9) Shore up sagging foundations with newly purchased electric stove
8) Destroy Westinghouse products; replace them with G.E. products
7) Use blender to make pitcher of nerve-soothing daiquiris
6) Discourage looting by surrounding house with hundreds of open waffle
irons turned on high
5) Switch on yard and pool lights before evacuation
4) Prepare kid for tremors with educational rides in the washing machine
3) Boost morale by stringing up all your Xmas lights and turning them on
2) Entertain family by making crank calls to Sylvania headquarters
1) Use the dream of a 4-way light bulb of the future as incentive to stay
alive

Top 10 Current Goals of the New York Mets
October 2, 1987

10) Keep uniforms as clean as possible for the remainder of the season
9) Trace genealogy of name "Mookie"
8) Finally learn words to "The Star-Spangled Banner"
7) Think up rude new nickname for Whitey Herzog
6) Make whiny late-night calls to commissioner Ueberroth claiming

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

Cardinals are "cheaters"
5) Get to know -- get to really know -- stadium organist
4) Get green card renewed (Rafael Santana)
3) Sleep in (Darryl Strawberry)
2) Play last game of season buck naked
1) Sign up for area NFL teams

Top 10 Unsuccessful Mall Shops
October 6, 1987

10) Jiffy-Spay
9) Kentucky-Fried Pinworm
8) One-Hour Autopsy-Mat
7) Fatso Riley's Airtight Hellhole
6) The Prescription Drug Swap Barn
5) Big-and-Tall-Men's Lacy Lingerie
4) Dr. Don's Plasma Pantry
3) Mookie's Cookie Nook
2) Giant Radioactive Red Lobster
1) Grandma's Old-Fashioned Smallpox-Infested Army Blankets

Top 10 Children's Books Not Recommended
by the National Library Association
October 7, 1987

10) Curious George and the High-Voltagge Fence
9) The Boy Who Died from Eating all his Vegetables
8) Legends of Scab Football
7) Teddy: the Elf with a Detached Retina
6) Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
5) Joe Garagiola Re-tells Favorite Fairy Tails but Can't Remember the
Endings to all of Them
4) Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Pocket
3) Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will
2) Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off
1) The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead

Top 10 Slogans of the Scab NFL
October 8, 1987

10) We're not football players . . . but we play them on TV!
9) Come for the refund . . . stay for the game!
8) Bring a helmet and join the fun!
7) Get spit on by Lawrence Taylor!
6) It still beats arena football!
5) Out-of-condition athletes guarantee plenty of personal injuries!
4) We have a fine selection of magazines!
3) Look! It's my old gym teacher!
2) Enough beer and you won't know the difference!
1) It's scab-tastic!

Top 10 Disadvantages of Winning a Nobel Prize
October 13, 1987

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

10) You have to get kissed by herring-breathed King Olaf
9) Automatically disqualifies you from being a contestant on "Jeopardy"
8) Dangling medallion could get caught in open blender
7) More junk mail from fly-by-night award-polishing services
6) Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on particle physics
5) Have to get in embarassing kickline at end of ceremony with other
winners
4) Friends always borrowing medal for 10% discount at participating Red
Lobsters
3) Run-ins with gangs of Pulitzer prize-winners usually end up in a brawl
2) Sarcasm of postman when he says, "Here's your copy of Big Juggs
magazine, Mr. Nobel Laureate."
1) Don't see a dime from the Mattel Nobel Prize action figures

Top 10 Ways to Make George Bush More Exciting
October 14, 1987

10) Kill a man with his bare hands on network TV
9) Divorce Barabara; marry 13-year-old cousin
8) Stick tongue inn Sam Donaldson's ear during press conference
7) Disappear into Alaskan wilderness with Rosanna Arquette; return with
necklace made of bear teeth
6) Change campaign slogan from "Bush in '88" to "Party with the
Bushmeister"
5) Answer questions on "Meet the Press" with "I'm too drunk to remember."
4) Bend standing microphone into pretzel-shape; give to cub reporter as
souvenir
3) Nickname him George "The Sexecutioner" Bush
2) Start hanging with Earth, Wind & Fire
1) Shorter speeches, tighter pants

Top 10 Iranian Pick-Up Lines
October 28, 1987

10) "You'd look great under a couple more veils."
9) "Truly Allah made you in the image of Heather Locklear."
8) "I hate these rallies against the American jackals -- they're just
meat markets."
7) "You'd look beautiful in the glow of that burning tanker."
6) "How about you and me hijack a plane to Cancun?"
5) "We could go to my place -- if you don't mind a few hostages."
4) "So the streets of the world will flow red with the blood of
non-believers. By the way -- nice earrings."
3) "I can't believe they're making another Police Academy movie."
2) "Which airport do you think has the loosest security?"
1) "I don't see it myself -- but people tell me I look like the
Ayatollah."

Top 10 Scariest Sentences
October 30, 1987

10) Here's your bunkmate for the flight to Jupiter -- Miss Carol
Channing.
9) You've been traded to the Indians.

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

8) All rise for Chief Justice Norm Crosby.
7) They're tiny, superintelligent, with poisonous stingers and I saw them
come in here.
6) I thought you sold our stocks last month.
5) Mr. Gotti wants us to teach you some manners.
4) How does it feel to be the new Mrs. Jerry Lee Lewis?
3) Looks like we're going to be cellmates -- pretty boy.
2) Bob Woodward is here to see you.
1) This nude beach is fun. Say, isn't that Tommy Lasorda?

Top 10 New York City Pedestrian Tips
November 4, 1987

10) The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors."
9) Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail.
8) Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
7) John Gotti always has the right of way.
6) Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5) Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
4) It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
3) Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
2) If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
1) If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.

Princess Diana's Top 10 Complaints About Prince Charles
November 5, 1987

10) Repulsive orange teeth after scarfing down entire bag of Cheetos.
9) Threatens me with beheading for leaving nylons hanging in bathroom.
8) Giggles like a schoolgirl around Buckingham Palace guards.
7) That phony British accent.
6) Never puts the cap back on the mango love butter.
5) Unfavorably compares cooking of my chef to cooking of his mother's
chef.
4) Laughs like a hyena at reruns of "The Jeffersons."
3) Always calls Pizza Hut before we're decided on topping we want.
2) Constantly slips and calls me "Oprah."
1) Wears "Home of Big Ben" boxer shorts.

Top 10 Other Things Douglas Ginsberg Has Admitted Doing
November 6, 1987

10) Sneaked into other movies at the cineplex.
9) Cut through service station to avoid a red light.
8) Rebroadcast accounts and descriptions of game without the express
written consent of Major League baseball.
7) Actually bought the single of "Convoy."
6) Lied to pals about being member of the "Mile-High Club."
5) Wrestled in the South under name "The Junkyard Justice."
4) Used proper noun while playing home version of "Password."
3) Beat a drifter to death with a tube sock full of wood screws.
2) Used Prell for regular hair even though his hair is oily.
1) Skipped ahead to ending of constitution without reading whole thing.

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

Top 10 Least Visited New York City Tourist Attractions
November 17, 1987

10) The Museum of Subway Odors
9) Cat Meat Cook-Off
8) The Abandoned Auto Show
7) Amish Peep Shows
6) Chalk Body Outline Walking Tour
5) Knicks Games
4) Psychotic Loner Renaissance Fair
3) Mob Informant Aqua-Show
2) Mookie-Land
1) The Frozen Spit Rink

Top 10 Reasons Why Anthony Kennedy Will Be
Confirmed to the Supreme Court
November 18, 1987

10) Was given all the answers to committee questions by Bork and
Ginsburg.
9) Has come out strongly against Liza Minnelli.
8) Promised everyone on committee dinner on him at nearest Red Lobster
restaurant.
7) Pretty handy with his mitts.
6) He was great in all those "Airport" movies.
5) Computer favorite following talent competition.
4) Already played a judge on episode of "Starsky & Hutch."
3) Parents have a ski house and they're hardly ever there.
2) Sold interest in chain of head shops a long time ago.
1) Looks great in black.

Top 10 Things Overheard in Times Square
November 19, 1987

10) "Quick! Call 911!"
9) "I'll take a pack of gum and a ninja spike, please."
8) "I'm pretty sure there's only one `L' in Rolex."
7) "Valet parking at the Port Authority? What a surprise! Here are my
keys."
6) "Gibt mir die Polizei! Mach schnell!"
5) "Only one person per booth Mr. Chancellor!"
4) "You're right! It does smell a little like root beer!"
3) "I refuse to get on the bus to Ohio until we find the rest of Mrs.
Gardner."
2) "Yikes! Those hollow points really hurt!"
1) "It's getting so you can't tell the transvestites from the
transsexuals."

Top 10 Ways to Reduce the Federal Deficit
November 20, 1987

10) Eliminate throw pillows from the cockpit of the B-1 bomber
9) Make national park rangers provide their own hats
8) Start charging for tours of U. S. Embassy in Moscow

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

7) Step up taxation of rich - except for strategically important talk
show hosts
6) Sell ad space on president's forehead during State of the Union
Address
5) Use tremendous military strength to "shake down" Norway for a couple
of grand
4) Charge a buck to take a poke at a condemned criminal
3) Print up a single jillion-dollar bill; use it to buy candy bar; pocket
the change
2) Don't send so many cakes to the Ayatollah
1) Let Ed Meese take a billion dollars to Vegas and try out his blackjack
system

Gorbachev's Top 10 Happiest Memories of America
December 11, 1987

10) Stocking up on toilet paper
9) Solving "Wheel of Fortune" puzzle before contestants
8) Crashing limo into Fotomat and pleading diplomatic immunity
7) Getting a great deal on that Rolex bought on the street
6) Not wearing underwear during treaty signing
5) Shouting out punch lines to Yakov Smirnoff's act
4) Looking up old skirt-chasing buddies from the Marine Corps.
3) Hearing own voice on the Home Shopping Network
2) Just getting away from the kids, Kremlin, the whole ball of wax
1) Spur-of-the-moment drive to Tijuana with Chuck Connors

Gary Hart's Top 10 Christmas Wishes
December 15, 1987

10) Newspapers latch onto photos of Michael Dukakis and bearded lady.
9) Jesse Jackson suddenly loses his ability to rhyme.
8) People start referring to sleazy womanizing as "Kennedyesque."
7) George Bush gets irresistible urge to fondle Jean Kirkpatrick at press
conference.
6) Complete set of yearbooks from the Barbizon School of Modeling.
5) To be played by Lorenzo Lamas in Donna Rice's made-for-TV movie.
4) Miss September consents to be his running mate.
3) Snow for a white Christmas.
2) So much snow that his secretary can't get her car out of the driveway
and has to spend the night.
1) The Landers sisters and a case of malt liquor.

Top 10 Least-Known Norman Rockwell Paintings
December 21, 1987

10) "A Boy's First Manicure"
9) "The Old Hobo's Infected Foot"
8) "The Circus Geek and the Cub Scout"
7) "Caught Touching Himself"
6) "Sniper in the Mall"
5) "Sweetheart of the Cell-Block"
4) "Christmas at the Hair Club for Men"
3) "Andrew Wyeth Nails Helga"

Humor Digest - December 90

Bonus Section #5

2) "Bad Clams"
1) "Turn Your Head and Cough"

Top 10 Elf Pick-Up Lines
December 22, 1987

10) "I'm down here."
9) "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy."
8) "I was once a lawn ornament for Jon Bon Jovi."
7) "I can get you off the naughty list."
6) "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
5) "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
4) "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
at Keebler."
3) "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
2) "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."
1) "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners."

Top 10 Way Circus People Celebrate Christmas
December 23, 1987

10) Geek says grace; bites head off turkey
9) Clowns dress like wise men and pile into tiny car
8) Bust into lost and found; try on hats
7) Warm slices of bologna on boiler of steam calliope
6) Get elephants to stomp open brazil nuts
5) Get drunk and take a swing at the ringmaster
4) Bake a pan of gingerbread pinheads
3) Put on Andy Williams records; have midgets waltz with monkeys
2) Tell really mean insulting jokes about Democratic presidential
candidates
1) Walk down to the highway; throw bottles at police cars
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor Digest - December 90-----------------------> J O K E D U J O U R <-------------------------

Daughter: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to see grandma today!
Mommy: shut up and just keep digging

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News 1977, are actual statements
found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details
of an accident in the fewest possible words.

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided
with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up
when I put my hand through it."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other
way."

"A truck backed through the windshield into my wife's
face."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a
number of times before I hit him."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I hit a telephone pole."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep
at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble
when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an
accident."

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever been
before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the
accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me,
I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as I backed into the other
vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my
vehicle and vanished."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the
other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea where to run; so I ran over
him."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy
in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was
later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting
to swerve out of the way, when it struck my front end."

The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes
---------------------------------------------
Q. How many Mac programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. You need a mouse to pull it down.

Q. How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One to change the bulb, one to sign the AFM contract, and one to carry the
ladder from gig to gig.

Q. How many account executives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. How many would you like it to take?

Q. How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None. That's a hardware problem!

Q: How many people from Harrisburg (Pennsylvania) does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: None. The lightbulb glows by itself!!

Q: How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, one to blunder into the ladder and knock
him off, and three workmen's compensation lawyers.

Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One and a half.

Q: How many surrealists does it take change a lightbulb?
A: Fish.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five -- one to change the lightbulb, one to write a book about it, one to
form a support group, one to provide day care, and the last to appear on
Phil Donohue to discuss the abuse that the socket is taking.

[From the 1985 Boston Ad Club Calendar]
Q: How many Copywriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Copywriters don't make changes.
Q: How many Art Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?
Q: How many PR people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two and a photographer
Q: How many media buyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are there tickets involved?
Q: How many production managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but you'd better say three just to be safe.

Q: How many Steve Jobs does it take to screw a light bulb?
A: Steve doesn't want to screw light bulb, he want to screw Sculleys!

Q: How many of Tip O'Neill's relatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to hold the bulb, and two to drink 'till the room spins.

Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't. First, it's not a light bulb, it's a Bill Blass'
Mediteranian Autumnal Hue (Reg. Trdmrk.), and it's still under warranty.

Q: How long does it take a yuppie to change a light bulb?
A: Few minutes to do it, but then it'll take him/her an hour to figure
out how to get a tax deduction out of it.
A: Few minutes to do it, but he(she) will spend hours figuring how
to express this unique, whole new trend-setting experience at the
next cocktail gala.

[From The Wall Street Journal, Oct. 15, 1985]
Q: How many Louisianians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and one to
bribe officials for the permit.
Q: How many Oregonians?
A: Forty two. One to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and forty
to draft the environmental impact statement.
Q: How may Virginians?
A: Three. On to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder and highly refined
lady to remark how much lovelier the old bulb was.

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians
who have come up to relate to the experience.

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martini.

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q: How many Programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many Unix Hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information, Answer available from Western Electric
Corp. on payment of license fee (binary only).

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years to complete it.

Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A: None of your damn business!

Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q: How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside).

Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!

Q: How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASP's don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

Q: How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to pour the Tab, and one to phone Daddy.

Q: How many Marxist's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization
to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50, 50? Yeah 50, it's in the contract.

Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!

Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
One to write the light bulb insertion program, and
One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: Four. One to change the bulb.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to write a song about how good the
old light bulb was.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to charge the bill.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial
one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: l00. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which l0% of
the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and
20% of the definitions are of the form "A........consists of sequences
of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes nine years.

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it.

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.

Dumb Jokes
----------

A Winkie was told that most car accidents happen within a ten mile radius of
ones house - so he moved.

A Winkie locked his keys in the car and it took him a week to get his family
out.

"WEDDING JOKE": A WINKIE CAME TO A WEDDING AND ASKED ANOTHER WINKIE HOW MANY
"H"'S ARE IN HERE COMES THE BRIDE. HE ANSWERS "1". THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!
THEN ANOTHER MAN COMES IN AND HE ASKS HIM HOW MANY "E"'S ARE IN HERE COMES THE
BRIDE. HE ANSWERES "6". YOU ARE RIGHT!! THEN REALLY DUMB GUY COMES IN AND
HE SAYS EVERYONE BE NICE. HOW MANY "D"'S ARE THERE IN HERE COMES THE BRIDE? HE
THINKS, THEN ANSWERS "36". HOW DID YOU GET THAT? HE'S ASKED. OH ITS EASY "DUM
DUM DUM DUM, DUM DUM DA DUM, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!DUM DUM DA DA DUM, DA
DA DUM DUM DA DUM DUM DUM DUM, DA DA DUM DA DUM DA DA DUM
DUMDA DUM DUM DA DUM"!!!!!!
COURTESY OF COOKIEFACE

There was this winkie who had heard a good joke in a bar, and
intended to tell his wife when he got home. But then he was afraid
that he might be carrying a joke too far.

HOW MANY WINKIES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
1000 - A WINKIE TO HOLD THE BULB, AND 999 TO TURN THE HOUSE AROUND...

WHERE DO ARABS PARK? IN A CAMELOT (BOOK TWO!)

Did you hear why the winkie gave up M & M's?
He couldn't figure out how to peel them!

Did you hear how the winkie hockey team drowned?
Spring training!

Know why the winkie keeps a store of empty beer bottles handy?
They're for his friends who don't drink!

How do you catch a unique bird?
Unique up on 'im!

How do you catch an ordinary bird?
Unique up on him just like uniqued up on the last one!
Thanks to Billy Beal.

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Hey fella! Have I got some good
winkie jokes for you guys." The bartender leans over to him and says, "Listen,
if I were you I'd watch my tongue. I'm winkish, the 350- pound bouncers are
winkish, and every man in here is winkish." "Oh, that's okay," said the
stranger cheerfully, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y."

Do you know why the suicide rate is so low in Winkieland?
Because you can't jump out of a basement window!

What are the three most difficult years for a winkie?
Second grade!

I knew a guy who was so poor he couldn't even afford a pet peeve.

I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention.

Did you hear about the two winkies who went hunting? On the way, they
came to a fork in the road where a sign said "bear left", so they turned
around and went home.

Two winkies went on a hunting trip. After it began to get dark, they
thought it was about time to go home. They unfortunately got lost. One
winkie said to the other, "I read that if you get lost in the woods you
should fire three shots in the air. It is supposed to be an "S.O.S." So
the second winkie shot three times into the air. After waiting for a few
hours, they repeated the signal. They tried it over and over, but nobody
came to help them. Finally, the second winkie said, "O.K., I'll try again,
but we're running out of arrows!"

==============================================================================
Q A N D A J O K E S
==============================================================================
Updated June 25, 1987

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead!

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to say "See? More satisfying
than a man!".

Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it's ajar.

Q: What do you call the person with aids and herpes?
A: An incurable romantic.

Q: What do you call a cow that had an
abortion ?
A: Decalfinated

Q. Who would Tuesday Weld be if she married Hal March III?
A. Tuesday March the third !!!

Q. What is the name of the new JAP (Jewish American Princess) Horror Movie?
A. Debbie Does Dishes

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall ?
A. Art

Q: What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?
A: A thank you from Santa!

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea!

Q: Why did Billy Bean bring toilet paper to the party??
A: Because he was a party pooper!

Q: What do you call three holes in the ground?
A: Well. Well. Well.

Q: What do you call a carrot who wises off to a farmer?
A: A fresh carrot!

Q: Do you know how to keep a winkie in suspense?
A: I'll tell you next week.

Q: Do you know how to get a one-armed winkie out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

Q: What kind of sex should one never have on a picnic?
A: Insects.

Q: Who was Alexander Graham Belowski?
A: The first telephone pole.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To get to Mexico where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving!

Q: What did the man say when we got his big electric bill?
A: He was shocked!

Q: How many college alumni does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three...one to screw it in, one to bring the beer and one to comment
on how the old one was better.

Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Military Standard M-38510 states that angels are not permitted to dance
except on a properly surfaced Rounded-End Temporary Fabric Emplacer, per
Ordnance Document 65791.

Q: How do you make anti-freeze?
A: Turn off the heat in her bedroom.

Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: To get to the other side?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He was part of the punk's earring.

Q: Why did the shark cross the road?
A: To get to the other tide.

Guest: Do lemons have wings?
Host: What?
Guest: I said, do lemons have wings?
Host: Of course not.
Guest: Oh my god, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink!

Q: Did you hear about the pregnant penguin?
A: She was with Byrd at the time.

Q: What can't Winkies make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't figure out how to get 4 pints of water into the little packet.

Q: What happened to the winkie who tried to be a stud?
A: He was found dead under a snow tire!

Q: Did you hear that the catholic missionary was successful on the
cannibal island?
A: They only eat fishermen on Fridays.

Q: "Should I boil the new missionary?" asked the cannibal.
A: "No" replied the chief, "He's a friar."

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road,
and a dead loan officer in the middle of the road?
A: There aren't any skid marks in front of the loan officer.

Q: What's Irish and sits on the porch?
A: Pati O'Furniture

Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker?
A: The No-bell Prize.

Q: Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food but no atmosphere!

=============================================================================
P A R A G R A P H J O K E S
=============================================================================

A traveling microcomputer salesman went to a bar after a hard day at work in a
strange town away from home. There he met a gorgeous lady with whom he tried
hard to strike up a conversation. He spared no effort to project his image of
being a sensitive, caring, affectionate modern male with every serious
intention of commitment. Finally, at his suggestion that they continue their
chat in his hotel suite, she said "You know, sometimes what makes me sicker
than chauvinist pigs are wimps who think I would fall for commitment talk."
"Oh no you misunderstood, my dear", desperately said the salesman, "I'm no
wimp, I'm just user-friendly!".

An Irish priest just out of school was preaching at a church in the countryside.

As he finished his sermon filled with the fire of God, he realized that most of
his audience was asleep. After they had left, he asked the old priest what
he had done wrong. The priest said that he had to preach about something that
they could relate to. Next Sunday when the priest got up to speak he asked
this question:"How many of you have seen a ghost before, maybe floating along
the moors ?" About half of them raised their hands. "All right," said the
priest,"Then how many have seen a ghost in your own house?" A quarter of the
people raised their hands. When he asked how many had ever seen a ghost in
their own room, only a few raised their hands. Then he asked his last
question:"How many of you can say that they have really had sexual encounters
with a ghost." No one raised his hand. Then in the back row a farmer slowly
stood up. The priest said "My God man, are you sure it was a ghost?" To this
the farmer replied "Beggin' your pardon sir, I thought you said 'goat' ."

A struggling actor in New York finally landed his first role in a Broadway
play. He had only one line, but he was, nonetheless, quite thrilled.
Weeks of rehersal went by, and the young actor repeated his line over and over-
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
Day and night, he practiced his line (the opening line of the play),
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
Opening night arrived, the stage was set and the curtains parted to a
thunderous BOOM. The actor jumped in the air and shouted,
"What the hell was that!?!?"

One day a pregnant lady fell unconscious. The doctors had to do the
operation without her. Two days after the operation, the lady recovered
and the doctors told her that she had had twins. But, they had had to name
them within a day (for the files), so they had asked her next-of-kin to name
the babies.
The lady was annoyed to hear that they had let her crazy brother named
them. The doctor said that he had named the little girl Denise.
The lady said that was a nice name, but what did he name the little
boy. The doctor replied, 'Denephew'.

There is a story about a meeting between Gromyko and Chernenko, some months
before the latter's demise: "Andrei," said Chernenko, "I want you to do
something about these confusing international time zones. They are causing
me terrible problems." Puzzled, Gromyko asked what the trouble was.
"Well," said Chernenko, "when Indira Gandhi was shot, I called with condolences
and I was a day late. When John Paul II was shot, I called with condolences,
and I was a day early!"

There were three sailors and a captain on a ship. The captain told the
sailors, "I don't believe these stories about the captain going down with the
ship, and since there is only room for three men in the lifeboat I will ask
each one of you a question to see who will come with me."

Then the captain adressed the first sailor, "What famous `unsinkable' ship
went down after striking an iceberg." The first sailor responded, "The Titanic,
Sir." Then the captain asked the second sailor, "How many people went down with
the Titanic." The second sailor answered, "One thousand, three hundred and
forty-seven, Sir." The captain finally asked the third sailor, "What were their
names?"

Pat and Mike were drinking and chatting in a pub
one night when they started to talk about their pigs. As the night
ended they made an agreement to mate them. So, the next day Pat
put his sow into his wheelbarrow and brought her up to Mike's.
At the end of the day Pat asked: "How will we know that this worked?"
Well, said Mike "If she is eating grass, then you will have to
bring her back tomorrow, but, if she is rolling in the mud you are
all set." So, the next morning when Pat awoke he looked out the
window to see his sow happily munching on grass. He went outside,
put her in the wheelbarrow and brought her up to Mike's again. And
so it went for the next 3 days, each morning his sow was happily
munching the grass until finally Pat said to his wife, "I can't bear
to look, look out the window and tell me just what that sow is doing"
...."Oh my" said his wife..."Is she eating grass again?" asked Pat..
"No" said his wife "Ah! Is she rolling in the mud then?"..."No" said
his wife "She's sitting in the wheelbarrow"

A few days ago, I was getting worried about my wife.
After all, we're not getting any younger, and I thought she might
be losing her hearing.
So I decided to test her. I stood thirty feet behind her and called,
"Mary, can you hear me?" No response. Oh, no, I thought,
she really is losing her hearing. So I walked up to twenty feet away
and tried again: "Mary, can you hear me?" Nothing.
So I walked up to ten feet away, and called: "Mary, can you hear me?"
"Yes, for the third time."

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs making love in
the front of someone's house. The driver says: "That is great. Me and my
wife do that every night. The passenger replies,"My wife is conservative,
she likes the old fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife
to do this, I would like to try it." The driver says: "Give your wife two
martinis and she will be all set." The next morning they're crusin'
along and the driver asks "How was it?" The passenger answers: "It was
great, but it took my wife ten martinis." The driver looks at him funny
and says "TEN MARTINIS ?" The passenger says "YES !" After two she was
more than willing but it took her eight more to get her out on the front
lawn !!!"

Two couples who moved to the south decided that they would convert to the
Baptist faith. They went to a local preacher and explained their situation.
The preacher told both couples that his congregation might accept them if they
would meditate on their decision and abstain from sex for a month. After this
month they should return to the preacher and talk about their thoughts.
Thirty days later both couples arrived at the church to meet with the preacher. The husband from the first couple spoke up and saidPreacher, not only
have we learned the significance of God in our lives as a result of our medita-
tions, but we have renewed our spiritual love for one another as a result of
our abstinence!" The preacher smiled and said: "Please consider yourselves to
be welcomed as members of the congregation." He looked at the second couple and
asked how things were for them. The husband and wife looked sheepishly at one
another and finally the husband spoke: "Well, you should understand, preacher,
that thirty days is a long time for us to go without sex, but we gave it our
best shot. Still, around two days ago, I saw my wife bend over to pick up
a sack of potatoes... well, preacher, I couldn't control myself and I let her
have it right there on the spot." The preacher looked at the wife and asked:
"Is that how it happened?" They both nodded. The preacher frowned and said
"You realize that you are not welcome in our congregation?" The wife looked
down and said: "That ain't nothing, preacher, we ain't allowed in Star Market
either"

SINCE I'M IN THE BOY SCOUTS, WE DO A LOT OF CAMPING.
ONE TIME MY TROOP WENT CAMPING UP IN ALASKA. WE WERE
UP IN THE MOUNTAINS NEAR A CLIFF. LATER THAT NIGHT,
WE WERE ATTACKED BY A BUNCH OF ANIMALS CALLED "RAIRIES".
THEY BITE HARD, SO WE FIGURED WE HAS BETTER KILL
THEM. WE TOOK SOME BROOM STICKS, AND STARTED TO TIP THEM
OFF THE CLIFF. WE WOULD GET THEM NEAR THE CLIFF, TAKE OUR
BROOMSTICKS, AND TIP THEM LIGHTLY SO THEY FELL
OFF. LATER, AFTER WE GOT THE LAST ONE, OUR TROOP
LEADER WENT OVER TO THE CLIFF, LOOKED DOWN AND SHOOK
HIS HEAD. HE SIGHED AND SAID "GEE, THATS A LONG
WAY TO TIP A RAREY!"
WACKO: RAY D OSHACK

A Connecticut Co-ed college was having trouble with boys in the girls' dorm and
girls in the boys' dorm after hours. Finally, the Dean said that if anyone
was caught after normal school hours in reference to the above, they would
be fined. After one day, a young man was caught in the girls' dorm and was
escorted by the campus police to the Dean's office. The Dean told the
young man, "The first offense carries a $5.00 fine; the second carries a
$10.00 fine and so on." Immediately, the young man asked,
"Sir, is there a rate for a season pass?"

There were an American priest, an African priest and a Rabbi in a boat.
All of a sudden, the American priest said, "I think I'll go to the shore and
get a cup of coffee." So he got up and walked across the water to the shore
and soon he came back and sat down, saying," Oh, that was a good cup of coffee!"

Then the African priest wanted to go ashore, so he got up and stepped into the
water. But he fell under the water and drowned. Then the Rabbi said to the
American priest, "Didn't you tell him where the rocks are?"

These three guys were working in a mine. Two were winkish and one was Oriental
winkish. The foreman said to the Oriental winkish, "You're in charge of
supplies." And to the first winkish man, he said, "You are in charge of the
wheel barrow." To the second, he said "You are in charge of the pick axe."
So he left them and came back in an hour. The winkish men were sitting
around doing nothing. "What happened? Why aren't you at work?" The winkish
men replied that their tools were broken and that the Oriental winkie who
was in charge of supplies, was in the mine. So the foreman went into the mine
to look for him. The Oriental winkie popped out from around the corner and
said "Supplies!!"

An American, a Brit, and a German were stranded on a desert island. After one
year, the American was running a successful business, the German was commanding
an army, and the Brit had done nothing to do because he hadn't been introduced
to the other two chaps...

A Jewish missionary was sent to a remote desert island to convert the natives
which were known as Trids. To study their habits, he imitated everything they
did. Once a year, a giant would come out of his lair, and, upon seeing a long
line of the natives, would delicately punt each one in the back of his or her
loin- cloth. The missionary missed the first year, so he stayed around another
year, and got in line. When the giant reached him, the giant looked him over
very carefully, shook his head, and punted the next native in line. This
infuriated the missionary, so he stayed around another year, with the same
results. The next year, when the giant came to the missionary, he shook his
head and started to go to the next one in line. The missionary lost his temper.
He demanded of the giant: "You kick them, why don't you kick me!?" The giant
replied: "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

A frog walks into a bank to try to get a loan. He sits down and is approached
by a bank employee.
"May I help you?" the employee asks. "Yes, Mr. Paddywhak,"said the frog,
noticing the man's name plate. "I would like to borrow fifty dollars."
"I see, do you have any collateral?"
"Golly, just this little gadget I won at a fair the other day."
Mr. Paddywhak took the gadget and went into his boss's office.
"Excuse me, sir. It seems there is this frog that wants to borrow some money
and all he has is this gadget. What is it?"
The boss looked it over.
"It's a knick-knack, Paddywhak. Give the frog a loan!"

Gorbachev woke up one morning and walked outside and looked up towards the sky.
He saw the rising sun.
"Good morning, comrade sun," said Gorbachev.
"Good morning, comrade Gorbachev," replied the sun.
Gorbachev went to his office and worked until lunchtime. He came out and
said , "Good day, comrade sun!"
"Good day, comrade Gorbachev!" replied the sun.
Gorbachev went back to his office and didn't come out until dusk. Again,
he looked up at the sky and said, "Good night, comrade sun!" The sun did not
reply. Grobachev said it a little louder," Good night, comrade sun!"
Again, the sun did not reply. Gorbachev yelled, "Answer me, you cur!"
"Go to blazes, Gorbachev, I'm in the West now!"

Dave had been a somewhat sleazy leftist when he was alive. When he died,
he found himself in front of a demon in Hell. The demon said," You have
a choice: you can go to Capitalist Hell or Communist Hell."
"I think I'll look them over, first," said Dave. He went over to
Capitalist Hell where he encountered Adam Smith sitting alone.
"What's it like in there?" asked Dave.
"Well," said Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you
in oil, chop you up into little pieces with sharp knives and then chain
you to a rock where a vulture comes and tears your liver out."
Dave didn't like the sound of this, so he went to check out the
Communist Hell. There he found Karl Marx, hard at work letting in huge
numbers of people. Dave was curious as to why everyone seemed to prefer
Communist Hell over Capitalist Hell.
"Excuse me," he asked Marx, "but what's so great about Communist Hell?"
Marx replied, "In Communist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil,
chop you into little pieces with sharp knives and chain you to a rock so
that a vulture can tear our your liver."
"But that is the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.
"Sure," sighed Marx, "But sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we
don't have knives..."

A man is sitting at a bar on Beacon Hill, orders a beer and looks out
the window. Suddenly, he slams the glass of beer down, runs outside and yells
"Green side up!" He returns to the bar, picks up his beer and continues talking
to the guy next to him. After a few moments, he looks out the window and again,
runs outside and hollers, "Green side up!"
The guy next to him looks puzzled and is about to ask him what's going
on when the same scene occurs. The man slams his beer down, runs outside and
again yells "Green side up, green side up for crying out loud!"
Finally his drinking buddy stops him and asks for an explanation. "Oh,"
said the man, "it's just some State workers trying to plant some trees."

A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer were in a lifeboat in choppy seas. Suddenly
a huge wave hit the tiny boat and knocked the priest out. As he swam toward
the boat, a large shark appeared behind him and swallowed the priest whole.
As the rabbi said a prayer for the priest, another wave hit the boat and
knocked the lawyer out. As he swam back to the boat, the same shark appeared
behind the lawyer. As the shark closed in for the kill, it suddenly dipped it's
nose and lifted the lawyer back into the boat. The rabbi asked, "I wonder why
the shark ate the priest but spared you." The lawyer replied, "Professional
courtesy."

A winkie saw an ad for a cruise to a tropical island for only $100 so he went
in to inquire. He gave the agent his money, and they knocked him out and threw
him in the back room. Soon, another winkie saw the same ad, gave his money to
the agent, and received the same treatment. Finally, a third winkie came upon
the ad and, exclaiming, "Only a hundred dollars, WOW!", he went through the
same thing as the other two. When the three came to, they found themselves on a
rowboat off the shore of a tiny seemingly deserted island. The second guy
said, "I should have known for a hundred dollars this would be a rip-off." The
other guy replied, "Yeah we got taken, I wonder if the are gonna feed us." The
third winkie said "Well, they didn't last year."

A certain man named Jones was on top of a roof during a flooding and the water
was rising fast until it almost covered his feet. A man in a canoe offered him
some help. Jones said,"No thank you, I have faith in God and he will save me."
After the water rose to his waist, a motorboat came and offered him help. Jones
said, "No thank you, I have faith in God and he will save me." When the water
was almost to his head, a helicopter came by and offered him help. Jones
said, "No thank you, I have faith in God and he will save me."
Two hours later after resisting no more, he drowned. When he was about
to enter the heavenly gates, he asked why God didn't save him. God said, "What
more do you want? I sent two boats and a helicopter."

A solidarity worker, a young woman, an old lady and a Russian soldier were on a
train to Minsk one morning, on their way to work. Since they were seated across
from each other, the soldier was able to cast appreciative glances at the young
woman, who was quite pretty. Suddenly, the train entered a tunnel, and in the
ensuing darkness there came the sound of a soft kiss followed by a terrific
slap. After the lights came on, there was an embarrassed silence and the four
passengers looked everywhere but at each other.
"Good for her", thought the old lady. "That soldier tried to get fresh with the
young girl and she belted him.".
"That's funny", thought the girl. "One of the men must have tried to kiss me
but kissed the old lady instead and she slapped him".
"This just isn't my day", thought the soldier. "That worker kissed the girl and
then she slapped me by mistake".
Meanwhile the solidarity worker was chuckling to himself and thinking: "Gee,
I'm pretty smart if I do say so myself. I kissed the back of my hand, belted
that soviet soldier and got away with it!".

LEGAL LAUGHS
------------

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as the client can afford.

Q: What is the definition of a litigant?
A: An individual willing to give up his skin in the hopes of retaining his
bones.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: A rooster clucks defiance...

The following submitted by Zeff:
Most language is spoken language, and most words,once they are uttered,
vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken
during courtroom trials for their exists an army of court reporters whose job
is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter
has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers into two books-
Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months
ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips,
all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember his first
name?
A: No.No.I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: Now Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.

Q:What is your name?
A:Ernestine McDowell.
Q:And what is your marital status?
A:Fair.

Q: Are you married?
A: No. I'm divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.

Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney, and
said he was really good.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of the conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes,sir.
Q: Before or after he died?

Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

Q: Mrs Jones, is your appearance this morning persuant to a deposition notice
I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you
didn't scream?
A: No ma'am.
Q: Does that mean you consented?
A: No, Ma'am. That means I was unconscience.

Q: Did he pick up the dog by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for
the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.O.K.? What school do you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.

Winkies:

The third Munchkin pointed. "The West, where the yellow Winkies live, is ruled
by the Wicked Witch of the West. She would make you her slave if you passed
her way."

O X Y M O R O N S :

What is an oxymoron? An oxymoron is an expression joining two concepts
which seem to be contradictory:

Sound of Silence Dream Reality Clear As Mud
Military Intelligence Led Zeppelin Perfectly Wrong
Icy Hot Same Difference Sun Shower
Wicked Good Divorce Court Postal Service
Real Phony Jumbo Shrimp House Ethics
Void Where Prohibited Plastic Silverware TV News
Budget Resolution Senatorial Courtesy Government Worker
Small Fortune Required Elective Luxury Bus
Bittersweet Peppermint War Games
Pretty Ugly Cold as Hell Studying Together
Exciting Accountant Near Miss Weather Forcast
Peacekeepping Missile United Nations Fresh Yogurt
Retired Worker
If you find a good oxymoron, tell us it via MSG.

HELLO, THERE! I THOUGHT UP A NEW OXYMORON AT LUNCH TODAY! IT IS:
PLASTIC STRAW (AS IN THE KIND YOU DRINK FROM VS. HAY). PLEASE PLACE
IT IN THE OXYMRORON SECTION UNDER CRIER. THANKS A LOT!!

We have been asked to publish palindromes as well as oxymorons. (Bring your
oxymorons into our palindrome ... ) A palindrome is any sentence that is
spelled the same forward and backward.

For example:

"Straw? No, too stupid. I put soot on warts!

Madam I'm Adam
Lew Otto has a hot towel
Able was I ere I saw Elba
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.

Sit on a pan, Otis.

Rats drown in Wordstar
Rise to vote, Sir

Evil I did dwell; lewd did I live

Egad, a base tone denotes a bad age

Was it a car or a cat I saw

Pull up if I pull up

Ten animals I slam in a net

Some men interpret nine memos

or even:

Red rum, sir, is murder.

Ma is as selfless as I am.

Nurse, I spy gypsies! Run!

He lived as a devil, eh?

Niagara, O roar again!

No evil Shahs live on.

Katherine was easily bored and tired by them, but her husband
Wilbur Bogart loved to visit art museums wherever he went, indulging his
passion for Impressionist paintings. Inevitably, when between trains in
Chicago, Mr. Bogart dragged his travel-worn wife off to the Chicago Museum
of Art, and after only a few galleries he spotted "Sunday on The Grande
Jatte" at the end of the hall. Nearly transported with ecstacy he danced
down the corridor calling:
"Kay! Seurat! Seurat!"
"Whatever, Will B., Will B." was his bored wife's reply.

Q: There are two flies in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy ?

A: " the one on the range "

Q: Why won't they let President Bush's grand-children play with crayons in
the white house?

A: Because there wouldn't be anything for Dan Quayle to play with.

Q: What do you call a winkie paratrooper?

A: Air pollution!

A Bostonian taking a drive in the country passed a farm where he
noticed a farmer that was feeding his pigs in a most curious manner.
The farmer would lift a pig in his arms, hold it up to the branches
of a tree and wait while the animal ate an apple. Then he would bring
the pig over to another apple, until it was full.

The man watched this procedure for some time, then finally said to
the farmer: "This seems a most inefficient way to feed your pigs. Why
don't you simply shake the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat
them from the ground? That would save a lot of time."

The farmer looked puzzled, then shrugged and replied: "What's time to
a pig?"

Q: How many elephants does it take to take out a light bulb?

A: 5, 1 to hold the light bulb and 4 to turn the house!!

In the early twenties, an explorer gained considerable notoriety
when he made a two-week trek, completely alone, through some of the most
forbidding and unmapped wilds of the Gobi Desert, and did it without a
compass!

"Nothing to it!" he airly told reporters. "You've just got to
mark every jog in the route, so you can go back the way you came. Every
time I changed direction, I just built a little cairn of rocks, so I'd
know one way from another. It's a snap if you just leave no turn
unstoned."

The newly excavated ruins of a theatre from the time of Shakespeare that
surfaced in London has revealed a startling new revelation. Backstage, there was
a room equipped with treademills and other exercise-equipement. Schollars have
surmised that whenever a messenger was to run on-stage with a choice bit of
information, the actor would first spend some time in this room exercising, in
order to lend a certain verisimility to his exhaustion.

They surmise thus because even today, backstage in many theatres, there is
what is still referred to as "the tiring-room".

One Day these two Winkies (ethic group) were golfing. The first guy got
up and teed off.. Plunk right into the hole! The second guy got up and
plunk 2 feet from the cup. They both approached the green having no idea
what happened. The first guy said "Hey Thatsa my ball in the cup." "No
thatsa my ball" said the second guy. So they argued and argueed for 20
minutes and a Golf-pro approached. So the two Winkies decided to have him
settle the matter. They both claimed that it was their ball in the cup.

So golf-pro scratched his head and looked at the two and said "Which one
of you idiots shot the yellow ball???"

A world famous scientist was performing cloning experiments.
Finally, one day, after years of work, he perfected his
procedure. So he said to himself, "who better to clone
than myself?"

The clone he made of himself was perfect in every respect
EXCEPT every other word it uttered was obscene.

One day the clone escaped and began travelling all over the
world ruining the scientist's good name so the scientist
took off after him.

Finally, he found him standing by the edge of a cliff in Hawaii
sooooo he pushed him off.

When the police arrived they couldn't arrest the man for homocide
because the clone was not a real person so they arrested him
for making an obscene clone fall!

There was an American, a Russian, and Fat Albert on a plane about to crash.
The American jumped off and said "God bless America. The Russian jumped off
and said "God bless Russia. Fat Albert jumped off and said "God bless the
person I land on."

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News 1977, are actual statements
found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details
of an accident in the fewest possible words.

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided
with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up
when I put my hand through it."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other
way."

"A truck backed through the windshield into my wife's
face."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a
number of times before I hit him."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I hit a telephone pole."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep
at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble
when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an
accident."

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever been
before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the
accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me,
I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as I backed into the other
vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my
vehicle and vanished."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the
other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea where to run; so I ran over
him."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy
in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was
later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting
to swerve out of the way, when it struck my front end."

Dumb Jokes
----------

HOW MANY WINKIES DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE POPCORN?
10!, ONE TO HOLD THE POT AND FOUR TO SHAKE THE STOVE!!!!!!

A Winkie was told that most car accidents happen within a ten mile radius of
ones house - so he moved.

A Winkie locked his keys in the car and it took him a week to get his family
out.

"WEDDING JOKE": A WINKIE CAME TO A WEDDING AND ASKED ANOTHER WINKIE HOW MANY
"H"'S ARE IN HERE COMES THE BRIDE. HE ANSWERS "1". THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!
THEN ANOTHER MAN COMES IN AND HE ASKS HIM HOW MANY "E"'S ARE IN HERE COMES THE
BRIDE. HE ANSWERES "6". YOU ARE RIGHT!! THEN REALLY DUMB GUY COMES IN AND
HE SAYS EVERYONE BE NICE. HOW MANY "D"'S ARE THERE IN HERE COMES THE BRIDE? HE
THINKS, THEN ANSWERS "36". HOW DID YOU GET THAT? HE'S ASKED. OH ITS EASY "DUM
DUM DUM DUM, DUM DUM DA DUM, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!DUM DUM DA DA DUM, DA
DA DUM DUM DA DUM DUM DUM DUM, DA DA DUM DA DUM DA DA DUM
DUMDA DUM DUM DA DUM"!!!!!!
COURTESY OF COOKIEFACE

There was this winkie who had heard a good joke in a bar, and
intended to tell his wife when he got home. But then he was afraid
that he might be carrying a joke too far.

HOW MANY WINKIES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
1000 - A WINKIE TO HOLD THE BULB, AND 999 TO TURN THE HOUSE AROUND...

WHERE DO ARABS PARK? IN A CAMELOT (BOOK TWO!)

Did you hear why the winkie gave up M & M's?
He couldn't figure out how to peel them!

Did you hear how the winkie hockey team drowned?
Spring training!

Know why the winkie keeps a store of empty beer bottles handy?
They're for his friends who don't drink!

How do you catch a unique bird?
Unique up on 'im!

How do you catch an ordinary bird?
Unique up on him just like uniqued up on the last one!
Thanks to Billy Beal.

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Hey fella! Have I got some good
winkie jokes for you guys." The bartender leans over to him and says, "Listen,
if I were you I'd watch my tongue. I'm winkish, the 350- pound bouncers are
winkish, and every man in here is winkish." "Oh, that's okay," said the

stranger cheerfully, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y."

Do you know why the suicide rate is so low in Winkieland?
Because you can't jump out of a basement window!

What are the three most difficult years for a winkie?
Second grade!

I knew a guy who was so poor he couldn't even afford a pet peeve.

I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention.

Did you hear about the two winkies who went hunting? On the way, they
came to a fork in the road where a sign said "bear left", so they turned
around and went home.

Two winkies went on a hunting trip. After it began to get dark, they
thought it was about time to go home. They unfortunately got lost. One
winkie said to the other, "I read that if you get lost in the woods you
should fire three shots in the air. It is supposed to be an "S.O.S." So
the second winkie shot three times into the air. After waiting for a few
hours, they repeated the signal. They tried it over and over, but nobody
came to help them. Finally, the second winkie said, "O.K., I'll try again,
but we're running out of arrows!"

Did you hear what happened to the Winkie that bought a pair of
odor-eaters?
He took 2 steps and disappeared!

I tried to give my wife bridge lessons last week,
but she just wouldn't jump!

Student : Teacher, do you think it's fair to get blamed for something you
didn't do?
Teacher : No.
Student : Good, because I didn't do my home work.

Three blind mice...
three blind mice....
(pause) where the heck were they going!???

What do you call a midget that's a psychic and on the run from the law?
A small medium at large.

Somebody asked me the other day "How's life in he fast lane?"
and I replied "Whatever lane I'm in, it always ends in 500 feet."

I just started a new diet. It's called a seefood diet.
If you can see food you can eat it.

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Q: What occurred in a Cincinnati court room during a baseball hearing
when the judge entered the room?
A: Pete rose

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the 'possum it could be done!

Did you hear the one about the narcissistic acupuncturist who got stuck on
himself?

What do you call a mushroom who walks into a bar and buys everyone a round
of drinks? A "Fungi"

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He doesn't believe in DOG!!

How do you tell the winkie at the Wailing Wall ?
He's the one with the harpoon !

What do you get when you cross an attorney and the godfather?
An offer you cannot understand.

Did you hear about the man who drank a gallon of floor wax?.....It was a
sad ending, but a nice "finish!"

What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Kermit the frog?
Kermit is an illegal alien.

Why did the peanut cross the road?
Because he was on 4th Avenue.

How many captains does it take to pioneer an Exxon oil tanker?
Answer: one and a fifth!

Why do Winkies wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.

Did you hear about the latest Winkie invention?
A solar powered flashlight.

What does it say at the top of a ladder made in winkieland?
STOP!

Did you hear about the new book of Gary Hart?
It's called "Six Inches From The Presidency"

What happened to the butcher? He backed into a meat cutter and got a
little behind in his work.

Q: What's Indian and lives in your closet?
A: Mahatma Coat!

Question? How does Exxon plan to resolve the oil spill?
Answer: Add 1000 tons of vinegar and .....

Q: How do witches send potions overnight?
A: Fed Hex.

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station.

Q: What did the captain of the Exxon tanker say to his third mate?
A: Tanqueray on the rocks, please.

Q: What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians?
A: A Drummer!

Q: Where do Irish yuppies live ?
A: Lepracondominiums !

Q: What do Irishmen use for birth control ?
A: Lepracondoms !

Q: What do you do when a female leper bats her eyes at you???
A: Catch 'em and yell "You're OUT!"

Q: What did the grape say when the elephant sat on him?
A: Nothing, he just let out a little wine!

Q: What is the title of the new television show about yuppies in Alaska?
A: WD-30something

Q: Why did the chicken cross the street?
A: To see his friend Gregory Peck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of the theatre?
A: You can't--it's in his blood.

Q: Why is a seagull called a seagull?
A: Because if it were a bag it would be called a bagel!

Q: Who were the first computer buffs?
A: ADAM + EVE!
WHY: She gave him an "APPLE", He gave her a "WANG"!!!!!

Q: What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?
A: You get re-possessed!!!

Did you hear what the white rat said to the other white rat?
... I've got that psychologist so well trained that every time
I ring the bell he brings me something to eat.!

Q: Why can't someone's nose be twelve inches long?
A: Because, then it would be a foot.

Q: What's the difference between a MacIntosh and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A: You have to shake the Etch-a-Sketch to clear it.

Q: What is Salmon Rushdie going to name his NEXT book?
A: "Buddha, you fat so-and-so!"

Q. What is the difference between Heaven and Hell?
A. In Heaven the cooks are French, policemen are English,
mechanics are German and lovers are Italian.
In Hell the cooks are English, policemen are French,
mechanics are Italian and lovers are German.

Did you hear that they're offering $200 for the author of the Cliff Notes
to "The Satanic Verses"?

Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian mummie and a vampire?
A: A flying bandaid

Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids.

Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon ?
A: Great food, no atmosphere.

Q: How do you keep the Winkie population down?
A: Tell Quadlings that they taste like chicken.

This one really has to be spoken: What happens when you repeel(/repeal)
an apple?
It gets smaller.
Why would you do it?
It might have come from Chile.
Would you repeel a chili?
No, it might burn your skin.

A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

Q. What do you do when a winkie throws a grenade at you?
A. You pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What do you do when a girl leper rolls her eyes at you?
A: Roll 'em back!

TEACHER: Lisa, when was the Great Depression ?
LISA: Last week when I got my report card.

Q. What happens if you press the gas pedal and the brake pedal in a car at
the same time?
A. You get nowhere fast.

Why did the chicken cross the road ?
Because, it was stapled on Dan Quayle's face.

Why did Dan Quayle cross the road?
Because he followed the chicken.

Q: What did the dog say when he sat on the sand paper
A: Ruff!!! Ruff!!!

Q. Why did George Bush win the election?
A: Because Barbara's picture is on the $1 bill.

Q: What did Lloyd Bentsen say to Kitty Dukakis?
A: "You're no Joan Kennedy"

Q: Why do winkies laugh 4 times from 1 joke ?
A: Once to be polite, second time because they think they understand it, a third
time when they do understand it, and last but not least when they remember
it.

Q: Why does Stevie Wonder swing his head when he sings?
A: Because he is looking for the microphone...

Q: What women's organization do the initials D. A. M. stand for?
A: Mothers Against Dyslexia

Do you remember Jaws, in the James Bond movies?
Well, what does he do for fun?
He masticates!

Q: Why did they televise the inaugural speech?
A: So the Democrats could see what it looks like!

Q: What did Dan Quayle say when Marilyn Quayle blew in his ear?
A: Thanks for the refill, Honey!

Q: Why do baby ducks walk softly?
A: Because baby ducks can't walk, hardly.

Q: How many sides does a sphere have?
A: Two. Inside and Outside.

Q: Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men?
A: It has the same centerfold every month.

Q: Why do Winkies steal police cars?
A: Because the stole them thinking that they were Porshes.

If PRO is the opposite of CON,
Then is CONgress the opposite of PROgress?!!

Q: Why did the chicken cross Harvard Square?
A: To get to the Coop.

Q: How many members of a certain ethnic group does it take to perform
a specific menial activity?

A: One to perform the activity, and a number of additional ones to act
in a manner consistant with the commonly-held stereotypes of that
particular ethnic group.

Did you read the caption under Michael Dukakis's High School Yearbook photo?
It said "Actual Size!!!"

What do you call a guy with no legs?
Neal!
What do you call a guy with no legs swimming?
Bob!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen!
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?
Irene!
What do you call a guy leaning up against a wall?
Art!
What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?
Peg!
What do you call two guys hanging from the wall?
Curt and Rod!

What did George Washington say to his troops before crossing the Delaware?
Men, get in the boat!

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder

Q: Why could't the bike make it up the hill?
A: Because it was "two" tired!

Q. Why did the Winkie attack his shredded wheat with a chain saw?
A. He wanted to be a cereal killer...

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: He was dead.

Q: What has 3,000 arms, 3,000 legs and stands 3 feet high?
A. A Winkie Hilton.

A: You shoot the person pushing it.

Q: What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda?
A: Fonda spent more time in 'Nam.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs sitting in your mailbox?
A: Bill!

There were two turtles in a cardboard box, a mother turtle and a baby turtle.
The baby turtle said to the mother turtle:"We are having fun in here, the
three of us!"
Q: Who were the "three" of them?
A: The baby turtle couldn't count!!!!

They're making a new movie about Dan Quayle's military career .
The title is "FULL DINNER JACKET"

Dan Quayle's mother has been busy sewing labels on all his clothes --
For when he goes to Camp David!

Q: What were the three hardest years of Dan Quayle's life?
A: Second grade.

Part 1: Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.

Part 2: Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.

Q: What's the difference between a skunk that's been run over
and a lawyer that's been run over?
A: There are skid marks leading up to the skunk!

Q: What would you do if you were in my shoes?
A: I'd get a shoeshine!

Q: What's the latest Winkie invention?
A: An ejector seat on a helicopter!

Q: How can you tell a Winkie tank?
A: It has back up lights

Q: Did you hear what Mickey Mouse got for his 60th birthday?
A: A Dan Quayle watch.

Q: What do steroids and a hurricane have in common?
A: They both make Winkies run like hell!

Q: How can you tell if it is a winkie's word processor?
A: It's the one with whiteout on the screen.

Q: How do you get rid of a boomerang?
A: Throw it down a one way street.

Q: Why does New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps and California the
most lawyers?
A: Because New Jersey picked first.

Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's WOMEN, and it's not funny!

Q: What do you do if your in a accident and you lose all your toes?
A: Call a tow truck. ARf, ARF ARF

Q: What's long and hangs from a jackass ??
A: Mike Dukakis' tie !!!

Q: What do they call the Russian naval forces since
Gorbachev took over as President?
A: Mikhail's Navy.

Q: why did the chicken cross the road?
A: to show the 'possum that it could be done.

Q: Did you here about the "winkish" Gold Medalist??
A: He took it home to have it BRONZED!!!

Q: What did one candle say to the other candle?
A: Are you going out tonight?

Q: What do you have when you have three lawyers buried up to their necks
in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the street?
A: Because he was stapled to the punk rocker.

Q: What kind of foot do NASA people get?
A: Missle toe!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon?
A: It's supposed to have great food, but absolutely no atmosphere!

Q: What does Vice President Quayle say when they tell him the President has
died?
A: "Daddy! What do I do now?

Q: Why does the chicken cross the road?
A: To join the National Guard.

Q: Did you hear how the winkie hockey team drowned?
A: Spring training!!!! haha!!

Q: Why don't sharks bite lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy!

Q: What do you do if an epileptic falls into your swimming pool?
A: Throw in some laundry!

Q: What does one psychiatrist say to another when they meet on the street?
A: "You're fine! How am I?"

Q: Where do cantaloupes go for the summer?
A: John Cougar-Mellencamp!

Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A: Pig Latin!!!

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Why don't you just let us remove the socket instead -
you don't need it, and it'll just give you trouble later."

A high-priced corporate lawyer, a low-priced corporate lawyer, and
Santa Claus were sitting in a room around a table with $10,000 in cash
on it. The lights went out briefly. When they came back on, the money
was gone.

Q: Who took it?
A: The high-priced lawyer, of course. The other two are figments of
your imagination.

Q: Why did the Winkie tiptoe to the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Q: Did you hear about the Winkie parachute??
A: It opens on impact!!!

Q: What do you find when you remove Tammy Bakker's makeup?
A: Jimmy Hoffa

Q: Why is the ringling brothers circus mind boggling?
A: Because it's in tents!

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breath through that thing?

Q: What's the difference between a goose and a snake?
A: A snake is an asp in the grass.

Q: What did the mother candy machine say to her daughter when she got married?
A: Boo Hoo! I've cared for you all your life, but now you'll have to vend
for yourself!

Q: What would Noah have if it rained one more bucket of water?
A: A higher-arky! (Hierarchy.)

A conversation between Man and God:
Man: God, why did you make women so soft and nice?
God: So you'd like them.
Man: God, why did you make women so, y'know, beautiful?
God: So you'd like them.
Man: God, why'd you make women so STUPID?
God: So they'd like YOU!

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to clean a bathroom?
A: None! That's woman's work!

Q: What did the mama mouse say to the baby when it fell off the dresser?
A: Squeek to me!

Q: What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinocerus?
A: Elephino.

Q: What do you get if you walk thru central park with a hundred dollars?
A: Mugged!

Q: What did one flea say to the other flea?
A: Shall we walk or take the dog?

Q: How do you drive away from an orange?
A: Peel out!

Q: What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer?
A: The space bar.

Q: Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
A: Dracula's dentist!

Q: How many winkies does it take to make popcorn?
A: Five. One to hold the popcorn and four to shake the oven.

Q: Did you hear about the Winkie Ice Fisherman?
A: He got run over by the Zamboni machine!!

Q: How can you spot a "winkie" secretary?
A: She's the one with correction fluid on her CRT.

Q: What do the Reagans and an old Smith-Corona have in common?
A: No colon, no period, and no memory.

Q: What was Gary Hart's biggest mistake???
A: Not having Ted Kennedy drive Donna Rice home!

Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: "I don't know, and I don't care."

Q: Why do stock market investors love the music of Bach and Vivaldi??
A: Because they're all baroque!!!

Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 200,001. One to change the bulb and 200,000 to yell, "Death to the
Electricity"

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross harvard square?
A: To get to the coop.

Q: How do you communicate with a fish ?
A: You drop him a line.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck!

Q: What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
A: Kinky you use a feather; perverted you use the whole bird.

Q: How many Chestnut Hill matrons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. She stands under the socket and expects the world to revolve around her.

Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
A: To the Mooovies! (HAR DE HAR HAR!!)

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Make a tire and call it a Good Year!

Q: What do you do to an Elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the giraffe......

Q: How did Capt. Hook die?
A: Jock itch!

Q: How do you grill a swordfish?
A: Ask it a lot of tough questions!

Q: How can you make your stockbroker a millionaire?
A: Give him a billion dollars!!

Q: What has four legs and chases cats?
A: Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
A: Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all!

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P

Q: HOW DO YOU CALL YOUR STOCK BROKER
A: "OH WAITER."

Q: What's the first thing a guy who got lucky does in the morning?
A: Walks home.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
A: I don't know I'm a duck.

Q: How many BC basketball players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he gets 10 credit hours towards his major for completing
it.

Q: Did you hear about Reagan's new compass?
A: It is always pointing to North!

Q: Why did the cat cross the road?
A: Because he wasn't near a phone.
(HINT: he dialed the wrong number)

Q: Why was the car going 55 mph?
A: The TV was plugged in. (HA HA)
(Hint: Get it? They had cable. (HAHA)

Q: What do you call a mountain climber who has had a vasectomy?
A: Dry Sack on the rocks

Q: What was the Polish Pope's first miracle?
A: He made a blind man deaf...

Q: What's a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.

Q: Why did Sweden invite 10,000 Ukraines into their country?
A: They needed more headlights for their Volvos!!

Q: How do you get a stockbroker to get out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What is the definition of "Endless Love"?
A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis!

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY DENTIST?
A: A TOOTH FAIRY

Q: What is the difference between a PIGEON and a STOCKBROKER?
A: The PIGEON can still make a deposit on a Mercedes!

Q: Mommy, Mommy, why do I keep running around in circles?
A: Shut up before I nail your other foot down.

Q: What is the difference between cauliflower and boogers?
A: Kids won't eat cauliflower.

Q: How many McDonalds employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "No habla Ingles"

Q: What's the difference between a dead rattlesnake on the highway, and
a dead lawyer on the highway?
A: There aren't any skid marks around the lawyer.

Q: Why do programmers take so long in the shower?
A: Because the instructions on the shampoo read "Lather, Rinse, Repeat..."

Q: How many MIT grads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.

Q: What is green and sits ouside in the rain?
A: Patty O'Furniture

Q: What's the toughest thing about hunting elephants?
A: Carrying the decoys!!

Q: How many OS/2 programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as you want, they're all virtual anyway.

Q: How much dirt is in a hole 10' deep & 10' wide?
A: None,there is no dirt in a hole!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: If you are american in the kitchen - what are you in the bathroom ?
A: EUROPEAN. (Hint: Sound it out.)

Q: What is Gary Hart's only regret in the Rice affair?
A: He didn't let Ted Kennedy drive her home.

Q: Why did the yuppie always wear a seatbelt?
A: Because he was always driving under the affluence.

Q: What happens when a Winkie doesn't pay the bill to the garbage man?
A: They stop delivery.

Q: What do you call a Winkie with an IQ of 160?
A: A village!

Q: What happened to the butcher who backed up into his meat grinder?
A: He got a little behind in his work.

Q: Why did the yuppie always wear a seatbelt?
A: Because he was always driving under the affluence.

Q: What's the 5 day weather forecast in Kiev?
A: Three days!

Q: What's the weather forcast in Kiev?
A: Partly cloudy, partly sunny, and 700 degrees.

Q: How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they glow in the dark!

Q: What is the definition of a floppy disk?
A: That part of one's spine which enables the biting of the toenails.

Q: Why was the guy from the orange factory fired all the time?
A: He could not concentrate.

Q: What do you call the person with aids and herpes?
A: An incurable romantic.

Q: What do you call a cow that had an abortion ?
A: Decalfinated

Q: Who would Tuesday Weld be if she married Hal March III?
A: Tuesday March the third !!!

Q: What is the name of the new JAP (Jewish American Princess) Horror Movie?
A: Debbie Does Dishes

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall ?
A: Art

Q: What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?
A: A thank you from Santa!

Q: Why did Billy Bean bring toilet paper to the party??
A: Because he was a party pooper!

Q: What do you call three holes in the ground?
A: Well. Well. Well.

Q: What do you call a carrot who wises off to a farmer?
A: A fresh carrot!

Q: Do you know how to keep a winkie in suspense?
A: I'll tell you next week.

Q: Do you know how to get a one-armed winkie out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

Q: What kind of sex should one never have on a picnic?
A: Insects.

Q: Who was Alexander Graham Belowski?
A: The first telephone pole.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To get to Mexico where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving!

Q: What did the man say when we got his big electric bill?
A: He was shocked!

Q: How many college alumni does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three...one to screw it in, one to bring the beer and one to comment
on how the old one was better.

Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Military Standard M-38510 states that angels are not permitted to dance
except on a properly surfaced Rounded-End Temporary Fabric Emplacer, per
Ordnance Document 65791.

Q: How do you make anti-freeze?
A: Turn off the heat in her bedroom.

Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: To get to the other side?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He was part of the punk's earring.

Q: Why did the shark cross the road?
A: To get to the other tide.

Guest: Do lemons have wings?
Host: What?
Guest: I said, do lemons have wings?
Host: Of course not.
Guest: Oh my god, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink!

Q: Did you hear about the pregnant penguin?
A: She was with Byrd at the time.

Q: What can't Winkies make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't figure out how to get 4 pints of water into the little packet.

Q: What happened to the winkie who tried to be a stud?
A: He was found dead under a snow tire!

Q: Did you hear that the catholic missionary was successful on the
cannibal island?
A: They only eat fishermen on Fridays.

Q: "Should I boil the new missionary?" asked the cannibal.
A: "No" replied the chief, "He's a friar."

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road,
and a dead loan officer in the middle of the road?
A: There aren't any skid marks in front of the loan officer.

Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker?
A: The No-bell Prize.

Q: Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food but no atmosphere!

Q: Why should you look out for a pig that knows karate?
A: It might give you a pork chop

Q: What is the difference between a parrot and an MIT co-ed?
A: You can teach the parrot to say "NO"

Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer ?
A: The taste !

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Klingons aren't afraid of the dark!

Q: What do they do with the burnt out bulb?
A: Execute it for failure.

Q: What do they do to the Klingon who changes the bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.

Former President Ronald Reagan likes to tell a story, which he says is true,
about a newspaper photographer out in Los Angeles who was called in by his
editor and told of a fire that was raging out in Palos Verdes, a hilly area
south of Los Angeles. His assignment was to rush down to a small airport,
board a waiting plane, get some pictures of the fire, and be back in time for
the afternoon edition.

Breathlessly, he raced to the airport and drove his car to the end of the
runway. Sure enough, there was a plane waiting with the engines all revved
up, ready to go. He got aboard, and at about five thousand feet, he began
getting his camera out of the bag. He told the fellow flying the plane to get
him over the fire so he could take his pictures and get back to the paper.
From the other side of the cockpit there was a deafening silence. Then he
heard these unsettling words:

"Ah...Aren't you the instructor?"

I read recently about an uncomfortable experience that happened to actress
Carol Burnett. She got out of a cab one day and caught her coat in the door.
The driver was unaware of her plight and slowly began to edge out into
traffic. To keep from being pulled off her feet, the comedienne had to run
alongside down the block. A passerby noted her predicament and quickly
alerted the driver. He stopped, jumped out, and released Miss Burnett's coat.

"Are you all right?" he asked anxiously.

"Yes," she gasped, "but how much more do I owe you?"

We all love happy endings. We like to see life work out. There is a story
about Hollywood producer Sam Goldwyn. He once listened to director Billy
Wilder describe in detail the true life story of a famous artist. Wilder
thought it would make a great movie.

"Does it end happy?" Goldwyn wanted to know.

"Well," said Wilder, "it winds up with the guy in an insane asylum thinking
he's a horse."

Goldwyn threw Wilder out the door. But Wilder wasn't discouraged. He poked
his head back in and said, "Okay, how about if at the end the guy who thinks
he's a horse...goes on to win the Kentucky Derby."

The wolves were decimating the farmers' sheep. So the authorities raised the
bounty on them. Two hunters decided they could use the extra money. They
headed out to the wide open spaces to shoot some wolves and make themselves
rich!

They had just fallen asleep out under the stars when a noise woke one of them.
In the reflection of the campfire he saw the eyes of 25 wolves--teeth
gleaming. He shook his friend and whispered hoarsely, "Wake up! Wake up!
We're rich!"

I try to remember the case of the gentleman who went in for a physical
examination and then said to the doctor, "Okay. Give it to me straight. I can
take it." And the doctor said, "Let me put it to you this way. Eat the best
part of the chicken first." --Ronald Reagan

I like the story about the soldiers who were being trained to parachute.
After receiving instructions on how to operate their chutes, they were given
one last instruction:

"Now, in the one in a million case,"said his sergeant,"that main parachute
shouldn't open, just bear in mind, you have a backup parachute, and pull the
hook on the right side. It will open gradually. Relax when you hit the
ground. There will be no pain. There will be a station wagon there to take
you back to barracks."

But one soldier still wasn't convinced. However,the sergeant got him to the
door and pushed him out gently. Our hero yanked the cord, and nothing
happened. Then he yanked the reserve hook and looked up, but again nothing
happened. As he was plummeting down with lightning speed to the ground, the
soldier said to himself, "Now I'll bet you that station wagon won't even be
there."

Along a Kentucky highway was parked a mammoth motor truck van. The driver was
standing by a tractor from which a front wheel had been removed. A pastor
stopped to see if he needed any assistance,but the trucker thanked him and
said he had already sent for help. He had burned out a wheel bearing, and
another one was on its way. As the pastor pulled away, his eyes caught the
lettering on the side of the van: Standard Oil Company of Kentucky, Lubricants
Division. He had burned out a bearing--hauling grease.--John W. Lawrence,
Life's Choices (Portland: Multnomah Press, 1975)

Brickman's "the small society" cartoon has a fellow look at the U. S. Capitol
and say,"Hoo-boy! What this country needs is a credit card for charging
things to experience."

Or as the writer Heine once put it: Experience is a good school, but the fees
are high.

A certain wife always tried to give her husband a cheerful welcome home from a
trying day at the office. On one day she really had to strain: "Guess what,
dear," she said as he entered the door. "Of our five children, four of them
didn't break an arm today."

A football coach gave this advice on how to deal with failure:

"When you're about to be run out of town, get out in front and make it look
like you're heading a parade."

In Georgia Methodism's Wesleyan Christian Advocate, James R. Webb, passes on a
story he heard in Savannah about a well-known lady of that coastal city who
invited quite a few guests to dinner. As the main dish she prepared a huge
crab salad. Just before her guests were due to arrive, our hostess set the
crab salad on the dining table.

Upon entering the room the next time, she was horrified to discover the family
cat engrossed in feasting on crab salad! Jerking him away, she was heart-sick
to realize that she had no time to redo the salad before the guests arrived.
Throwing the cat from the house, she raced back to carefully scoop away the
meat around the cat's feeding place. Smoothing it down, she resolved not to
divulge her secret to the banqueters.

Duly arriving and beginning the meal, the guests dined heavily on the
delicious crab salad. All went well until the hostess glanced out the kitchen
window after dinner. Seeing her cat stretched out stiffly on the lawn, she
felt her heart seemingly fail. She checked to make sure, that he was dead.

Groaned the unlucky one, "Oh,it's that crab salad! It's poisoned this cat.
All my guests have eaten it, and so have I and we'll be next! All I can do is
tell my friends the whole story."

Rushing back into the living room, she unburdened her secret. As they all
rushed to the hospital where the doctors quickly operated stomach pumps, they
all appeared "rather green around the gills."

After the excitement died down somewhat, one of the next door neighbors
dropped by to say, "I have a confession to make. As I was pulling into my
driveway tonight, your cat ran in front of my car; I ran over him and killed
him. I'm awfully sorry!" Stifling the urge to kill-and her deep seated
chagrin-she managed to mumble, "So am I."

"The meanest job I ever undertook," mused a cowboy, "was that of apologizing
to a widow, on behalf of a vigilance committe which hanged her husband by
mistake. It was hard to find just the excuse that would satisfy her."

Henny Youngman says, "If at first you don't succeed, so much for sky-diving."

I like the story about a crew that was unloading a tank car of highly
explosive chemicals when it exploded. Two men were killed and half a dozen
were knocked unconscious. As the ambulance attendants were carrying one of
the men on a stretcher he regained consciousness.

Just as he did, his hand fell over the side of the stretcher. Feeling nothing
but air, he let out a great moan and said, "Oh no! I haven't even hit ground
yet."

In the early days of luxury ocean liners, the evening entertainment was often
chosen from the special talents of the passengers. On one night, the program
featured a remarkable parrot which was followed by a skillful magician. The
parrot was placed in his cage off to the side of the stage as the magician
performed. The man first secured a bouquet from a nearby table which he
covered with a black cloth, waved his wand, and pulling away the cloth,
revealed that the flowers had disappeared. The parrot noticed and cocked his
head to one side. Next, the man covered a china plate which, upon removal of
the cloth,had disappeared also. The parrot inquisitively scratched his head
with his claw. Pulling up a chair, the magician covered it, waved his wand,
and presto, it was gone. The parrot hopped up and down at the growing
excitement. Suddenly the ship struck a line of rocks, the airholds exploded,
splitting the vessel in two; the lights went out, people screamed and cried
out, and soon there was nothing left on the black night sea save the parrot
clinging to a floating rafter. Blinking about at the dark emptiness a moment
the parrot cried out, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

Two eldely ladies in the rest home had been eyeing two older gentlemen that
had just moved in. The two men hadn't paid any attention to the ladies. The
ladies decided they might get their attention by streaking. The both stripped
and ran by the two men. One of the men turned and said, "Did you see that?
What in the world was it?" The second gentleman relpied, "I'm not sure what
it was, but, it sure needs ironing!"

Have you heard about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found
himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.

The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him
if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.

"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach,
volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were
sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in
red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's
the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.

"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.

As a couple arrived by taxi at the airport and carried their luggage toward
the check-in-counter, the wife said, "I think we packed everything for our
trip, but I wish we'd brought the kitchen table."

"What?" said her husband. "Why in the world do we need the kitchen table?"

"Because I left our tickets on it."

There's an old western legend about a rancher who was out riding and came upon
an Indian friend lying flat on the ground with his ear pressed against the
earth. Without looking up the Indian said in broken English: "Wagon...wagon
pulled by horses...two horses...man driving wagon...long beard...wearing
buckskin...woman in wagon...dressed in calico...." The rancher was amazed.

"You can tell all of that just by pressing your ear to the ground?" he asked.

"No," grunted the Indian. "Wagon run over me thirty minutes ago."

Clarence Forsburg tells a story about a preacher who went out to make some
house calls in the afternoon. He knocked at one door where no one answered.
He kept knocking, louder and louder. Finally there was a tiny voice from
within which said, "Come in. Come in." He tried the door and found it open
and stepped inside the living room. He heard the voice again, "Come in. Come
in." He followed the sound down the hallway and entered the kitchen. From
inside the kitchen he heard the voice saying, "Come in. Come in." He looked
around and found himself face to face with an enormous, ferocious, growling
German Shepherd police dog. The dog lunged at the preacher, pinning him
against the wall with his enormous paws on his shoulders, snarling and
breathing fire and brimstone. At that moment the preacher saw a parrot
sitting in a cage over to one side of the kitchen. The preacher, realizing
that it was the parrot beckoning him to come in, said, "You stupid parrot!
Don't you know any other words?

"The parrot said, "Sic'em, sic'em!"

"Now, President Quayle, raise your right hand. No, sir, your OTHER right
hand..."

Casey At the Byte

The meeting at the White House wasn't going well that day;
The budget plan was lost, thus causing ulcers and dismay.
And when Jones failed at the keyboard, and Kowalski proved a dud,
One could sense some great disaster, like an avalanche or flood.

"Don't panic", said the President, "Don't blab it to the press;
It's true, without the budget plan the country's in a mess.
Two other aces failed so far to find just where it is,
And so I've summoned Casey - with computers he's a whiz".

A gasp was heard as Casey made his entrance on the scene;
'Twas clear that he was just a lad no older than sixteen;
And yet, despite his lack of years, one fact outshone the rest -
As a troubleshooting hacker his credentials were the best.

He boasted a degree from Yale, plus two from MIT;
His work with backup, RAM & track was marvelous to see;
The range of his computer skills was hailed both near and far,
From Commodore to IBM, from Wang to NCR.

There was ease in Casey's manner as he entered his commands;
One could sense some mighty power was contained within his hands.
With lightning speed his fingers moved to press each crucial key;
"The budget plan exists", he said, "It cannot hide from me".

With great persistence Casey toiled, and yet, upon the screen,
No buried data came to light from in the great machine,
Except for birthday greetings to a Congressman in Maine,
Two vetos and a slogan from the '84 campaign.

The strain now shows in Casey's eyes, he's aged a dozen years;
But then, at last, to joyful shouts, the budget plan appears!
And now he lifts his head in pride, a smile upon his face;
And now the mood is shattered as his elbow hits "Erase".

Oh! somewhere there are nations where the keenest minds prevail,
Where budgets can be balanced and the experts never fail;
And somewhere data's safely stored, preserved beyond a doubt,
But no plan can save the White House -
Klutzy Casey wiped it out.

Even if you win the rat race you're still a rat

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven't got

Ban The Sale of Arms to Venus de Milo

A famous painter received a lucrative commission by the Montana legislature
some time ago to create a giant painting for the new state office building.
The theme was to be Custer's Last Stand, and the commissioners insisted that
the painter be absolutely correct historically and politically. When the
painter asked for more information as to just what the state wanted, he
received little help. In fact, all the commissioners would say to the painter
was that it might be a good idea to create the painting around Custer's last
ideas or words about what he saw.

The painter pondered the problem for a short time, put himself in Custer's
shoes, and developed his grand idea. He insisted, however, that he be given
not only great freedom but also the ability to work in total privacy. His
wanted his work to be accurate and a surprise, and he was a bit concerned that
not all would appreciate his conception.

After several months, the painting was completed. At a formal ceremony, a
large crowd gathered before the giant veiled painting in eager anticipation.
The governor, himself, pulled the cord, and as the drapery fell from the
painting, there was a loud gasp from the audience. There before them was a
massive panorama of the treeless hills of the Little Big Horn. And there was
Custer and a few of his men staring in awe at hundreds of Indians all around
them in the act of making love.

The governor was utterly shocked, and he rushed to the artist demanding to
know what the artist had in mind. The artist replied that he had been told to
capture on canvas the last thoughts of Custer. And after thinking about it,
it came to him in a flash. Surely, among the last things Custer was likely to
have thought and said, based on what he saw around him, was, "Look at all them
f**king Indians!"

And there was this remark attributed to Custer:

"I better go ride the wagon again, these Sioux are killing me!"

and...

"Look at it on the bright side men. At least
we won't have to go back through North Dakota!"

"If I Said You Have a Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me?"

A second grader recited for the teacher the story of David using a sling-shot
to kill the giant Goliath.

"What does that teach us " the teacher asked.

The boy replied, "Duck."

Xerox is a copying device that can make rapid reproduction of human error,
perfectly.

After Quasimodo's demise, the priest put an ad in the paper that they'd be
hiring a new bellringer. Several people showed up to apply, including one guy
with no arms. They went up to the belltower to audition-- when it was the
armless guy's turn, the priest said "How are you gonna ring the bell with no
arms?"; the guy said "Watch!". He stood under the bell, went into a deep
crouch, and leaped up so high that his head was inside the bell; he slammed
his face against the bell, and it pealed out a sustained BONNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGG
with a beautiful clear tone. The priest said "I never heard that bell ring
with so lovely a tone-- you're hired!!"

But they didn't know that he drank! He showed up for work the next day, and
when it was time to ring the bell he went into his crouch, leaped high up, and
missed the bell-- he jumped clear out of the belltower and fell forty stories
down to the pavement--SPLAT!!

The priest heard the splat and came running out; a gendarme ran up and said
"You know this guy?"

The priest said "His face rings a bell".

They again had to recruit a new bellringer. Several people showed up to
apply, including the guy's twin brother, also with no arms. Sharing his
brother's talent, he too was hired; sharing his brother's penchant for drink,
he too missed the bell and fell forty stories down to the pavement-- SPLAT!!
The priest ran out; the gendarme ran up and said "You know this guy?"

The priest said "He's a dead ringer for the other one".

The great pianist Rachmaninoff tells this story on himself. He said that when
he was very young, he was giving a piano recital. He began with a Beethoven
sonata that had several long rests in it. During one of those long rests, a
motherly lady leaned forward, patted him on the shoulder, and said kindly:

"Honey, play us something you know."

Stopped by a policeman for driving without a taillight, the driver became
quite distressed.

"Don't take it so hard," consoled the officer, "it's a minor offense."

"That's not the point," replied the troubled driver. "What worries me is
what's happened to my wife and my trailer?"

NO CARRIER
NO PLANES EITHER!

Have you had days when you simply could not win? We heard about one fellow who
was driving home from work listening to the radio announcer suggest that his
listeners surprise their mates. "When you arrive home for dinner this
evening," the announcer suggested, "instead of growling something like `When
will dinner be ready?' Why not surprise your wife with a little gift?" The
man thought to himself that that sounded like a good idea, so he stopped along
the way for a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy. Instead of driving into
the garage, he went to the front door and rang the bell. His wife opened the
door, saw him standing there wearing a radiant smile, holding out this gift
and declared crankily, "Listen, buster, the baby had colic. The washing
machine has broken down. Junior and another boy got into a fight today at
school and were expelled. And now, as I might have expected, you make my day
perfect by coming home drunk!"

"Just the same," exclaimed Noah's wife, "I'd feel much safer if those two
termites were locked up in a metal box."

Time after time the duffer would hit his brand new balls where they couldn't
be found. Finally, one of the members of his foursome said, "Why in the world
don't you use an old ball on those difficult shots?"

"An old ball?" asked the duffer. "So who has any old balls?"

Sometimes we are better off if we do not ask too many questions. For example,
a man indignantly asked the waiter why he had his thumb on his steak. Replied
the waiter, "So it won't fall on the floor again."

One of those new-fangled jet planes was delivered to a Texas air base. The
Commanding Officer examined it gingerly, called on his most experienced test
pilot to test it. "Remember, Captain," he cautioned, "nobody knows how fast
this fool thing can go. Besides, all the instruments aren't in it yet. So
take it easy, boy!"

The captain promised and took the plane aloft. It was easy for him to manage
and he couldn't resist letting it out. As he roared through space,he contacted
the ground and asked, "How fast am I going?"

Someone responded, in German, "Twelve hundred miles an hour."

The pilot gasped and said, "Are you certain?"

The reply "Of course, we're certain," was in Russian!

The pilot said, "Good Lord!"

A voice nearby answered "Yes, my son?"

One learns everyday. Experience is a great teacher. By experience you learn.
But as I enter office, I'm prepared now. Obviously, I will be more prepared as
time goes on. I will know more about the office of the presidency. But I'm
prepared now and I will be more prepared as time goes on.

-- Vice President Dan Quayle

These aren't animals--these are wild quail.

-- President George Bush
(responding at the begining of a hunting trip to a question of how killing
animals fit in with his goal of a kinder, gentler America)

Marriage: a war in which you sleep with the enemy.

A fate worse than death: to be married alive.

The chief cause of divorce is marriage.

Love is grand; divorce is twenty grand.

I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving!

I used to be married. Now I just lease.

Husbands, like fires, go out if unattended.

3 wives/polygamy; 2 wives/bigamy; 1 wife/monotony.

Hey, hot off the presses! NASA scientists (who else), being contracted by top
men of the NBA, have been set forth with the task to cryogenically preserve
basketball great Kareem Abdul Jabaar(?). The NBA hopes that in the future
they will be able to synthetically reproduce him and sell Kareems to the
highest bidder. It's all very hush-hush (I risked my life to learn about it),
and is known as Project Ice Kareem Clone...

The following quotes from accident reports to insurance companies were
published in the Toronto Sun, July 26, 1977.

"A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way causing me to have an accident."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit
him."

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"I saw the slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of
my car."

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of
its path, when it struck my front my front end."

'I did not stop at the scene of the accident as I thought I was dead at the
time. My wife had told me not to be late also'

Two fishermen are out on the lake in a boat they had rented at the dock.
After an hour or so, they drift over a deep hole and start catching fish
faster than they ever had before in their lives. This goes on for a while
until one of them pulls a large piece of chalk out of his tackle box and draws
a large "X" in the bottom of the boat.

"What did you do that for?", asks the other one.

"So we can find this spot again!" is the reply.

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard", says his buddy .

"... How do you know we'll get the SAME boat next time?"

This is a guide for classifying technicians. The higher the number, the less
desireable the technician is:

7 Bill, the village idiot.
Bill is totally incompetant. The only reason he is working is because
he is 1) married to the boss's ugliest daughter, 2) the boss's son or
3) the son of the boss's boss. You might as well kiss your computer
goodbye once it gets into Bill's hands.

6 Mr. Rent-a-tech.
Mr. Rent-a-tech is the guy who gets contracted out by a company to fix
computers. Mr. Rent-a-tech is called in when you live outside of the
Manufacturer's rep's service area. Mr. Rent-a-tech is really Captain
Hammer or Pop in diguise. He's likely never seen a computer like yours
before and doesn't even know how to take it apart. He'll usually spend
a few days making your computer un-repairable. With your luck, the
warrantee will run out just before he is done with your machine.

5 Captain Hammer
Captain Hammer used to be a mechanic. Captain Hammer never goes
anywhere without his claw hammer. He uses his trusty hammer to seat
expansion cards so they will never come out and to pound in those pesky
chips which are trying to unseat themselves. While clawing out an
expansion card or memory chip, he can sometimes remove the slot or chip
socket from the motherboard at no extra cost. He usually finishes off
your computer by yanking it off your desk because he snagged his coat on
one of the new nails protruding from your case.

4 Pop from Mom and Pop's 'puters
Good old Pop really tries but he really doesn't know a thing about
computers. He jiggles boards around just to see if they are loose while
the computer is still powered up. He'll even pull boards out and reseat
them while the machine is running. Some of the expansion boards in your
computer will end up in the wrong slots - 8 bit cards in 32 or 16 bit
slots and 16 and 32 bit cards placed in 8 bit slots.

3 Try everything Fred.
Try everything Fred tries everything the can think of which is not
related to the problem just in case. Unfortunately, Fred does not know
how to properly re-connect things. So expect your hard drive to be
connected to your floppy controller and your floppy drive connected to
your ESDI controller. He'll even plug things in backwards just because
its easier to plug them in his way.

2 The guy from XT's R Us
This guy knows only a little bit about computers. He'll low level
format your hard drive at an 4:1 interleave factor that will make it
slower than a CD-ROM drive. Basically, he got his training from a
institution which advertises on the backs of matchbooks and in Popular
Mechanics. Any replacement ram chips he stuffs into your machine are
likely from some old XT.

1 Dr. Fixit.
Dr. Fixit really knows how to fix computers. Too bad for you he is
never around when you need him. Dr. Fixit, never stays long with the
outfit he works at, this is because he usually finds someone who will
pay him better for his talents than his current employer.

A saintly-looking old fellow was running to catch the bus. Just as he appeared
to be winning the race, the bus driver with a fiendish smirk, pulled way from
the curb and the wheels splashed muddy water over the old man.

Softly, the old gentleman murmured, "May his soul find peace." Still, more
softly, he added, "And the sooner the better."

Victor Borge told a friend that he could tell time by his piano. His friend
was incredulous, so Borge volunteered to demonstrate. He pounded out a
crashing march. Immediately there came a banging on the wall and a shrill
voice screamed, "Stop that noise. Don't you know it's 1:30 in the morning?"

A tramp looking for a handout in a picturesque old English village stopped by
a pub bearing the classic name "Inn of St. George and the Dragon."

"Please, Ma'am, could you spare me a bite to eat?" he asked the lady who
answered his knock on the kitchen door.

"A bite to eat? For a no-good bum, a beggar? No!" she snapped. "Why don't you
work for your living like an honest man? Go away."

Halfway down the path the tramp stopped, eyed the words "St George and the
Dragon," then turned back and knocked again. "Now what do you want?" the lady
asked angrily.

"Please, Ma'am, he replied, "If St. George is in too, may I speak with him
this time?"

I've always enjoyed the story about the high-school student who asked his
father to help him write a composition on how wars start.

"Well, now, let' suppose we got into a quarrel with Canada," the father began.

"That's ridiculous," his mother interrupted. "Why should we quarrel with
Canada?"

"That's beside the point," her husband said, "I was merely using an example."

"If you had an ounce of brains you wouldn't make such stupid...", replied the
mother.

"Who do you think you're talking to?" shouted the father. "I want to teach my
son...."

"YOUR son!" the mother screamed. "I suppose I had nothing to do with his
being here. You just found him someplace...."

"Please, folks," the boy pleaded. "Forget it. I just figured it out for
myself."

Perturbed over the absenteeism of his parishioners at the worship services, a
minister handed his secretary some church stationery, a list of ten members
who were absent the most often and asked her to write each of them a letter
concerning their absence. Within a few days the minister received a letter
from a prominent physician who apologized profusely for having been absent so
often. He enclosed a check for $1000 to cover contributions he would have
made had he been present those many times, promised to be there the following
Sunday at church service and, further, to be there every Sunday thereafter
unless providentially hindered. The usual complimentary closing with his
signature was given. However, the following note was at the bottom of the
page: "P.S. Please tell your secretary there is only one "t" in dirty and no
"c" in skunk."

One daughter borrowed the family car for a date and wrecked it. Later, her
boyfriend asked "What did your father say about our car accident?"

"Do you want me to leave out the bad words?"

"Yes."

'He didn't say anything."

Two Scotsmen, Two Irishmen and Two Englishmen are shipwreaked on a desert
island, ten years later the Scots have opened a brewery and are selling beer
to the other four, the Irish have divided the island in half and are spending
their time shooting at each other, and the English are still waiting to be
formally introduced.

Whilst on Unix, here's a couple of Unix humors:

% gotta light?
no match

% ar u god
god not found

% make love
don't know how to make love

% man why did you leave your wife
man:too many arguments

"America's Greatest Problem is Apathy--But Who Cares?"

George Carlin said a few years ago: "Scientists have just discovered a cure
for apathy. However, no one has shown the slightest interest."

Did you hear about the movie company that put up a movie set on a highway in
California? Part of the set was a false filling station. The filling
station looked so realistic that people passing by would stop their cars to
buy gas. A couple of stage hands decided to have a little fun when the
cameras weren't running. Whenever an unsuspecting motorist would pull up to
the false station, the stage hands would act like they were filling the car
with gas. Then they would tell the motorist that because of a special
promotion the gas that day was free. The motorist would drive out of the
station with a big smile on his face that probably stayed there right up until
the moment she or he ran out of gas.

A fellow went to the hospital for a complete checkup, very depressed, and said
to the doctor, "I look in the mirror, I'm a mess. My jowls are sagging. I
have blotches all over my face. My hair has fallen out. I feel ugly. What is
it?" And the doctor said, "I don't know what it is, but your eyesight is
perfect."

PEANUTS' Snoopy looks longingly out the window of a car:

"Being left alone in the car isn't so bad...That was a pretty lady who patted
me on the head...So who cares if she scratched our door when she got out her
car?"

Appearances can't always be trusted. Chuck Swindoll tells about a man at
coffee break one morning, who said to this happy guy, "Say, friend, now I
know why you're always so cheery. You have really got it made! Just
yesterday afternoon I was driving along in a taxi, and I passed you. You were
sitting there with this beautiful young woman whose back was to the street at
this romantic `sidewalk cafe.' You and she were sitting close and you were
listening intently."

The guy leaned over and whispered, "Let me tell you the truth. That lovely
young woman is really my wife who was telling me she was leaving me, and what
looked like a `sidewalk cafe' was really our furniture out on the street!"

Late at night, a lost motorist stopped at a farmhouse to ask for shelter. It
was granted. He awakened the next morning, quite refreshed. He was on the
back porch brushing his teeth, combing his hair, lathering, shaving, lotioning
and deodorizing himself for the day.

The young son of the farmer watched him go through all these morning
ablutions. "Mister," the boy asked, "are you this much trouble to yourself
every morning?"

A ventriloquist went on a vacation to Mexico. He stopped to buy gas at a
little rural service station that fronted a farm. And he decided to have some
fun with the attendant.

He says, "That cow over there ever say anything?"

Fellow replies, "No, man; cows, they don' talk. You crazy?"

Cow says, "Well, I'd talk to anyone around here if they ever had anything
intelligent to say, but they're all stupid, so I keep my mouth shut."

Ventriloquist says, "That horse, he ever talk?"

"No, man, this time you gotta be kidding; that horse is old and dumb."

Horse says, "You heard the cow. Everybody here is stupid. Nothing worth
talking about with stupid people like that."

Just then a sheep walks around the corner of the building, and the
ventriloquist says, "That sheep must not be too smart... ever speak to
you?"

"Don' believe a word she says; she's a liar and a whore!!"

It seems there was this fellow Earl who went to visit his friend Lester, who
lived way back in the woods. Lester was out on the porch just feverously
scrubbing away washing clothes. Earl asked him what he was doing to which he
replied, "Oh, my wife is off visiting kinfolk, and left me with the young-
uns. I've been busier than all git-out with the chores, and laundry, and
setch! And these diapers are the worst! I'm plum wore out trying to keep them
washed!" Earl says "why don't you try some of those disposable diapers?"
Lester, says "disposable? what're them?" Earle tells him "Oh, Man, that's just
what you need. You get them at the store, they've got tape already on them,
you just slap them on the baby, and the best part is when they get dirty, you
just throw them away!" Well Lester was interested in anything that would save
him so he said he'd give them a try.

About a week or so later, Earl goes back to vistit Lester, and sees him
sitting in the rocking chair, feet propped up, sipping on a cold brew. Lester
says "hey Earl, thanks for telling me about them disposable diaper! I got me
a bunch of 'em and now I've got time to relax, even do a little fishin'!"
About that time, the baby come crawling out on the porch. The diaper is FULL
of sh*t, it's even oozing out the sides. Earl says "Phew! Lester, don't you
think it's about time to change the baby?"

Lester replies "Aw don't worry - it saws right there on the box, them things
are good for 10-12 pounds!"

A brawny man stood in front of a painting by the great artist Sargent in an
art gallery in New York City. He kept muttering to himself, "I've been given
a place at last. I have a place at last." Artist Robert Henri was standing
nearby. Henri was mystified at the man's words.

"Are you in this sort of work?" he asked the man.

"Oh, yes," said the man, "but this is the first time I've been displayed like
this."

Now Henri really was disturbed. "But I thought that this work was by the
great painter Sargent," he said.

"That's right," said the man, "but it was me that made the frame."

A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a
snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down,
gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt
sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he
had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few
shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to
have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about
ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back
with two frogs!

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.

If I have a cricket ball in one hand and a cricket ball in my other hand, what
do I have?

A bloody big cricket!

A man went into Saks Fifth Avenue to buy some pajamas. He noticed on the
pajamas a label that said, "Shrink-resistant." He wondered, "What does that
mean? Do they shrink or don't they? "He asked the sales lady: "What does it
mean when a garment says, `Shrink-resistant?' Does it shrink or not?" The
sales lady said, "Sir, it means that it will shrink, (pause) but it really
doesn't want to."

A New York City cab driver said with unknowing candor, "It's not the work that
I enjoy so much, but the people I run into."

You simply cannot satisfy some people. Said one lady: "I much prefer the moon
to the sun. The moon shines at night when we need it. The sun shines all day
when we have plenty of light!"

There are some people who are impossible to please. One ill-tempered husband
was sullen and silent at the breakfast table. "How do you want your eggs
cooked?" asked his wife gently.

"One fried and one scrambled," he answered gruffly. When she placed the eggs
before him, he was furious.

"What's wrong?" asked his wife.

"You fried the wrong egg." he snapped.

Have you heard about the little old lady who must be one of the most thankful
souls on God's green earth? She says she has so much for which to be thankful-
she has only two teeth, but luckily they meet!

I like the attitude of the Californian who was asked if it were true that his
native state had 365 days of sunshine. "That would be a conservative
estimate," he replied.

H.L. Mencken once said that some people are so pessimistic that when they
smell flowers, they immediately look for a coffin.

I like the story about the middle-aged man who was seeing his mother off at an
airport. She was taking a trip to visit some old friends. "Have a good time,
Mother," the man said. To which she replied, "Now, John, you know perfectly
well that I never enjoy having a good time."

A little boy ran into a man who was lost on a country road. The man stopped
his car and approached the boy to ask, "Son, do you know where Fairview is?"
The boy said, "No." The man said, "Do you know where Interstate 40 is?" He
answered,"No." "Then do you know where the intersection of Bear Wallow Road
and Grinder's Switch is?" "No," the little fellow replied. "Well,"the man
said,"You are about the most ignorant person I have ever met. You don't know
much of anything, do you?" The small boy looked into his eyes and said,
"Mister, I know one thing. I know I ain't lost."

"TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CRISIS"

'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
Knowing changes to cutover hand't a prayer.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquire! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights in front of the screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger on the "ENTER" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated, and deletes, they deleted,
The inquiries inquired, and the closing completed.

We tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary an abend, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The user's last changes were even included.

And the users exclaimed with a snarl and taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want."

The soldier had been sentenced to be flogged. He did not seem to take the
matter seriously, but marched away with a broadgrin, and he laughed
continuously during the flogging.

When the painful ordeal was over, the sergeant demanded, "What's so funny
about being flogged? I don't think it's a joke."

"Hey," the soldier chuckled, "the joke's on you. I'm the wrong man."

A farmer was having a hard time filling out a railway claim sheet for a cow
that had been scooped up by the cow-catcher on a steam locomotive and had
expired in the process.The puzzled man came down to the last item: Disposition
of the carcass. After wrinkling his forehead and screwing up his eyes a few
moments, he wrote, "Kind and gentle."

Some people are like the ship captain who, the story goes, saw one night at
sea what looked like the lights of another ship heading toward him. He had
his signalman blink to the other ship: "Change your course 10 degrees south."

The reply came back: "Change your course 10 degrees north."

The captain answered "I am captain. Change your course south."

To which the reply was, "I am seaman first class. Change your course north."

This infuriated the captain, so he signaled back: "I am a battleship. Change
course south."

The reply came back, "I am a lighthouse. Change course north.

What will they think of next? The Phoenix Gazette reports on a school-age
girl whose Christmas gift watch had stopped. She took it to a jeweler for a
new battery. The jeweller looked at it and told her that it did not need a new
battery; it was a wind up watch.

The girl replied "a watch that does not need batteries? What a neat idea!"

A man told his doctor that he wanted to get a vasectomy. His doctor suggested
that he talk to his priest. His priest suggested that he should talk to his
family. A few days later the man returned to the doctor and said "Go ahead,
do it." The man said that yes, he had talked to his family, and they voted in
favor of it 14 to 4!

A man recently went into a grocery store and tried to steal two live lobsters
from the seafood section's lobster tank. He stuffed two of the lobsters into
his pants, and then ran past the checkout counters into the street. One of
the store's employee's ran after him, but lost him. Police found the robber
in an alley a few blocks from the store, bleeding and screaming with pain.
When he was taken to the hospital, one of the doctors said that one of the
lobsters gave him a "do-it-yourself vasectomy." It seems the lobster had
pinched off his P____.

Windy Beckham attended a wedding in Trent, Texas. He sat directly behind the
groom's parents. As the bride and groom, both in their teens, repeated their
vows, the young groom got to the part about "with all my worldly goods I thee
endow...", his (the groom's) father leaned over to the groom's mother and
said, "Well...there goes Junior's bicycle!"

Terry Malone, KXAL, reports from Dallas, Texas. A neighbor who was working in
her yard heard crys for help. She ran into the house next door to discover in
an upstairs bedroom the neighbor's wife was tied to the bed, naked. Her
husband, wearing only a batman cape, was lying on the floor unconcious,
bleeding profusely from the head. It seems that "Batman" had tried to leap
from the dresser to his destination, but blinded by his Batman mask he had
gone head-first into the ceiling fan and was knock out cold. His wife, unable
to go for help, had yelled for help. Paramedics attended to all three.

Johnny Carson is reported to have set history straight. One night during his
monologue, he said that the indian chief Jeronimoe NEVER jumped out of an
airplane shouting "MEeeeee.."

At an event honoring Paul Harvey, Bob Hope said that Paul's first news
assignment was covering Moses, when he quoted the Ten Commandments. Paul
Harvey said that he was pleased that Bob Hope remembered that broadcast! Ray
Disbrow wrote that Harvey and Hope should not have carried on a feud this long-
they should have let Caesar settle it!

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender that he wants a shot of 15 year
old whiskey. The bartender decides he's not going to waste the good stuff on
this guy so instead, he gives him a shot of 5 year old whiskey. The man takes
a drink, spits it out and says "I told you I wanted 15 year old whiskey, not 5
year old!" The bartender decides he'll try something a little better, but
still not the good stuff, so he gives him a shot of 10 ye old whiskey. Again,
the man drinks it, spits it out, and hollers "Look! I said I wanted 15 year
old whiskey, not this 10 year old stuff!" So the bartender decides he better
not mess around anymore and breaks open the 15 year, best in the house brand.
The man drinks it and says "Now that's *good* 15 year old whiskey." A drink
standing nearby, waching the whole episode, sneaks the shot glass, turns
around and whizzes in the glass. He puts it up on the bar and says "Here,
taste this." The man takes a drink, spits it out all over the bar and says
"That stuff tastes like P*ss!" The drunk replies "I didn't ask you what it
tastes like! Tell me how old I am!"

A man goes into the psychologists office for psychoanalysis. The doctor shows
him an ink block and tells him to say the first thing that pops into his mind.
The man says "That's a picture of a naked man!" The doctor shows him another
ink blot and the man replies "That's a picture of a naked woman!" Puzzled, the
doctor gives him yet another ink blot and the man says "Wow! that's a picture
of a naked man *and* and a naked woman!" The psychologist tells him, "I think
I've found the root of your problem. You've got sex on your mind! The man
answers "Look Doc, you're the one with all the dirty pictures!"

The beautiful young lady was purchasing a talking parrot at a pet shop. "Be
warned," stated the proprieter, "this parrot uses quite salty language, as he
was formerly owned by a sea captain."

The young lady bought him anyway and took him home. Shortly thereafter, she
began to get undressed to take a bath. Suddenly she heard, from the parrot,
"AAWWKKK! Nice tits!!"

"Naughty bird!" she admonished him, and proceeded to undress.

"AAWWKKK! Nice ass!"

"Shut up you stupid bird or I'll shut you up!" she shouted back. As she
walked toward the bathroom, the bird called out again,

"AAWWKKK! Nice bush!!"

She ran to his perch, grabbed him by the neck and thrust him into the freezer
compartment. "That'll cool you off! Stay in there awhile until you can keep a
civil tongue in your head!" Then she proceeded to take her long-delayed bath,
but unfortunately fell asleep in the tub. When she awoke, she ealized with a
start that the parrot had been in the freezer for over an hour! She jumped
out and ran to the freezer. When she opened the door, she saw the parrot
frozen stiff, with icicles dangling from his beak and wings, but his eyes were
very much alive.

Rolling his eyes toward a nearby frozen chicken, the parrot said, "AAWWKKK!
What'd he do to wind up in here, ask you for a blow job?"

Menu for Road Kill Cafe - You Kill It, We Grill It.

Featuring some of Nebraska's Finest

Eating food is more fun, when you know it was hit on the run.

ENTREES
Centerline Bovine......4.95
tastes real good, straight from the hood

The Chicken............3.95
that didn't make it across the road

Flat Cat...............2.95
served as a single, or on a stack

A TASTE OF THE WILD SIDE
(still in the hide)

Chunk of Skunk.........1.95
Smidgen of Pigeon......1.95
Road Toad Ala Mode.....1.65
Shake N Bake Snake.....2.25
Swirl of Squirrel......1.55
Whipporwill on a Grill.3.30
Narrow Sparrow...........55
Rigor Mortis Tortise...6.75

BAG 'N GAG

Our daily take out lunch special, anything dead on bread.

CANINE CUISINE
You'll eat like a hog when you taste ourdog.

Slab of Lab............2.95
Pit Bull Pot Pie.......1.95
Cocker Cutlets.........3.95
Shar Pei Filet.........5.95
Poodles 'N Noodles.....5.95
Snippet of Whippet.....4.50
Collie hit by a Trolly.3.95
German Shepard Pie.....3.95
Round of Hound.........4.25

GUESS THAT MESS
A daily special treat, if you can guess what it is, you eat it for free.

LATE NIGHT DELIGHT

Rack of Racoon.........3.95
Smear of Dear..........4.95
Awesome Possum.........1.95
Cheap Sheep..............43

Served fresh each night after dark.

Famous Last Words by all fisherman (at one time or another)

Begin all sentences with the words

DON'T WORRY....

1. the fish are hitting like crazy!
2. the ice is safe.
3. I really know the lake.
4. we can get beer there.
5. we can get bait there.
6. they have plenty of boats there.
7. the locals think I'm terrific.
8. you're allowed ten bass.
9. the warden never comes here.
10. I'll do the talking.
11. I'll pay the fine.
12. the storm will miss us.
13. we'll be back by noon.
14. I have plenty of gas.
15. this thing can't be stuck.
16. I know a guy who will tow us.
17. the fish aren't spoiled.
18. you can stay with me.
19. my wife won't mind.
20. the water is safe to drink.
21. the worms are fresh.
22. those mushrooms are okay.
23. I'll make the sandwiches.
24. I'm an expert at this.
25. I'll put you in the best spot.
26. there won't be a soul there.
27. the boat's a terrific buy.
28. it's deep enough if you stay left.
29. the fog will lift.
30. we won't get lost.
31. we have plenty of light left.
32. someone will find us.
33. the bugs aren't bad this year.
34. I have permission.
35. that dog won't bite.
36. the owner lives out of state.
37. it's just a three hour float.
38. it's just a short easy hike.
39. the ground ahead is solid.
40. I'll throw you a stick.
41. the skunk is bluffing.
42. I know how to kill the smell.
43. all the fishermen drink here.
44. you'll like my buddies.
45. I'll stay sober.
46. I can kick all your butts.
47. I know those gals.
48. your wife won't know.
49. nobody will notice.
50. this won't hurt.
51. all boats collect a little water.
52. I can swim.
53. I know first aid.
54. it'll be fun.
55. it doesn't look bad.
56. I don't think it's poisonous.
57. the water will smooth as glass.
58. it only looks expensive.
59. I can get closer.
60. it's real shallow here.

I heard a story recently about a little boy who went to a grocery store and
asked the clerk for a box of Duz detergent. The clerk said, "Son, what do you
need detergent for?" The little boy said, "I want to wash my dog." The clerk
said, "Well, son, that Duz detergent is pretty strong for washing a little
dog." The little boy said, "That's what I want." The clerk said, "Alright,"
and he sold him the duz and he said, "Now, you be careful when you wash you
dog. That detergent is very strong; it might kill him." The little boy said,
"I'll be careful." He took the box of detergent home. About a week later the
little boy came back to the store and the clerk recognized him and said, "Son,
how's your dog?" And the little boy said, "I'm afraid he's dead." And the
store clerk says, "Oh, I'm sorry, but I did try to warn you that the Duz was
pretty strong to wash your dog with." And the little boy shook his head and
said, "I don't think it was the Duz that did it. I think it was the rinse
cycle that got him."

Ex-pro football quarterback Bobby Layne was a colorful character. For one
thing, he had more than his share of self-confidence. Bobby was known to
boast: "I never lost a football game, I just ran out of time." No wonder Bobby
Layne was a winner. Some people simply will not accept defeat.

You may be familiar with Robert Schuller's famous story about the father who
bragged to his son about what a great hunter he was. The son joined his
father on the next hunting trip to see for himself. They sat in the duck
blind for a time when one lonely waterfowl winged its way through the sky.
The father took aim, fired and missed. "Son," he said, "you have just
witnessed a miracle. There flies a dead duck."

This reminds me of a memo pad I saw in a store, with the portraits of two of
the great composers on either side. It was entitled "Chopin Lizst".

The world's oldest Irishman, the Irish Times reported, was unable to give
interviews on his birthday yesterday because he said his father was ill.

Aircraft designers' law: An aircraft prototype cannot fly until the paperwork
is as least as heavy as the plane.

Boyle's law: You always get boils in the worst places.

Cole's law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

A chicken goes into a library and takes out a book. The librarian thinks this
is a bit strange, but lets it go out.

In ten minutes, it brings the book back and gets out two more. Again the
librarian lets it.

In another ten minutes, it returns and takes out three books after returning
the others. Intrigued, the librarian asks his friend to cover for him, and he
follows the chcken.

It goes down the street, round the corner to the edge of a pond, where it
shows the books to a frog, which looks at each book and says, "Reddit, reddit.

"There is only one Bible at our house," said the little girl, "and that is the
reversed version."

You can't beat the story of the little old Sunday School teacher who visited
the Holy Land and saw her first fig tree. "Ahem...uh, surely there must be a
mistake," she told her guide. "I thought the leaves would be a little bigger
than that."

So few people know the Bible nowadays. I was standing downtown waiting on a
bus. It was raining cats and dogs (I know, I stepped in a poodle). A lady
was standing next to me so I tried to be friendly and make conversation. "If
it keeps this up, we'll all have to buy an ark," I said. "What's an ark?" she
asked. "You mean you haven't heard about Noah and the great flood and all
those animals?" I asked incredulously." "Look, mister," she replied, "I've
only been in town for four days. I've scarcely had time to read a paper."

A little boy was asked what St. Paul called the Word of God. He remembered
that it was something sharp, so he guessed, "The Axe of the Apostles."

A lot of us could confess the wisdom in one little boy's jumbled version of
the Old Testament verse - "A lie is an abomination unto the Lord, and a very
present help in trouble."

Gerald Kennedy tells about an old lady who heard the implications of evolution
explained to her and said, "God grant that it may not be true, but if it is
true, God grant that not many people will hear about it. "

Cecil B. DeMille was once asked why he made so many biblical motion pictures.
He answered, "Why let 2,000 years of publicity go to waste?"

How do you make your wife scream when you're making love?

Call her up and tell her who you're with!

There was a sign on a plant manager's door: "If you have problems, come in
nd tell me about them. If you don't, come in and tell me how you do it."

Q: What do you call 12 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes!

A shepard was approached by a man as he tended his herd. The man said "If I
can guess how many sheep there are in your herd, can I have one?" The shepard
agreed to the wager and the man promptly announced that "there are 1,049 sheep
in your herd."

The shepard said "your absolutely right. Go ahead and help yourself to one of
my sheep." The man claimed his prize and started down the road. As the man
walked off the shepard yelled after him "If I can guess your nationality, can
I have my sheep back?" The man agreed whereapon the shepard said "you're a
Pollock."

The man said "that's very good. How did you know?"

The shepard said "If you'll put down my dog, I'll tell you."

Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along
learning more and more about less and less until they know practically
everything about nothing.

Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things
and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know
practically nothing about everything.

Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up
knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with
experts and lawyers.

MYSTERIES OF THE OVERBLOWN

This provocative new book series provides amazingly arbitrary explanations to
events which lie entirely within ordinary reality. Just listen to some of the
stories described within ...

In Malibu, CA, a woman suddenly feels that her grandson in New York has just
received a phone call bringing terrible news. She places a frantic, long
distance call ... and *the line is busy*.

...IT'S DISMISSED AS COINCIDENCE

A group of youths in a wooded clearing are held aloft by an unseen force.
They report hearing "wow, like, really freaky noises, man."

...IT'S DISMISSED AS "BAD" ACID

As reported by dozens of observers, numerous glowing lights appear in the
night sky over Denver, remaining until dawn.

...IT'S DISMISSED AS STARS

In Lynchburg, VA, a man sticks a fork in a toaster when suddenly a bolt of
energy shoots up his arm, knocking him unconscious.

...IT'S DISMISSED AS STUPIDITY

We can no longer afford to ignore things which may not be complete
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Each book is $89.90, billable in 10 monthly installments of ONLY $8.99 EACH!

Subject: Saddam's Concert Tour

Concert Report: Saddam Hussein - Mideast Tour

"The Mother of All Tours"

June 15, 1990 Baghdad
August 2 Kuwait City

For those lucky enough to see this concert in Baghdad and Kuwait, this show
was a show nobody will ever forget. For the hundreds of thousands camped out
to witness this concert, the 6-month wait (by far the longest ever) was worth
the ordeal and lived up to its name. About every conceivable record was
broken as far as concerts go, even with the tour ending prematurely.

Replied concert goers:

"They'll be cleaning up from this one for years!"

"The best laser show I've seen!"

"A little too heavy on the smoke."

"Wow, man, like the ground shook!"

"They will be writing books about this concert! A real killer!"

"Beats any 'Floyd' and 'Dead' concert I've been to!"

The Kuwait City concert was unprecidented: noise complaints were registered
from thousands of miles away - even the U.N. complained! In an interview,
Saddam Hussein replied, "I was born to be Iraq's Star." Asked about the mass
migration of Kurds to Turkey and Iran, Saddam reasoned that they must be
unaware of the tour's cancellation and should all go home. He promised them
concert T-shirts as a token consillation.

The remainder of the tour was cancelled because of various complications. For
example, Saddam Hussein's roadies left after the Kuwait City gig and never
returned with the instruments. A new crew is forming for a later tour, but
the multi-billions invested in instruments and special effects is a
significant loss. Many of the road crew members were arrested by the 500,000+
police force.

The B-52's showed up outside Baghdad and were a hit. U-2's were also nearby
with their new release, "War". Obviously, timing was bad for this tour.

The group's managment, "Megadeth", had no previous management experience.
They even forgot to arrange food catering service for the crew.

Saddam's stunning videos seen by the entire world were also dissapointing.
First, the video where dressed-up Saddam is shown with children on his lap was
targeted for an audience much too young - many parents demanded warning
labels. Other videos featuring bruised men were simply too weird and even
censored by some organizations.

Saddam's opening band, "New Kids on the Block" was also a poor choice: they
went around igniting wells with vodka and trashing hotels. Alcoholic
beverages are strictly forbidden in the Moslem religon.

Police arrested tens of thousands and used deadly force to supress the
crowds. Replied a promoter, "I think the 500,000+ police force was entirely
unecessary. They killed and beat people. They are a big part of the reason
why the tour was cancelled."

It is rumored that Saddam will get Mummar Khaddafy to play openings on the
next tour. No date has been set yet because band mebers are still recovering
from hangovers.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

You can park in the handicap zone.

Why is a blonde like a turtle?

They both get f*cked up when they're on their back.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.

Did you hear about the man who crossed a dog and a hen and got pooched eggs?

Show me a burned out post office and I'll show you a case of blackmail.

oxymorons:

plastic silverware
fresh raisin
simplified tax structure
woman driver
country music
operating system
colorless dye
Duran Duran
painless operation
limited nuclear exchange
Computer Science
informative survey
conclusive evidence
almost infinite
at infinitiy
sensible oxymoron
Holy Hell
Army intelligence

News Bulletin:

Men and Women are not alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these
facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as
"that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she
will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at
3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to
let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you,
and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for
us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that
99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that
offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove
effective.

SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place
as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as
adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other
wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television,
and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get
very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the
actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.

The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-
scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles
and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It
is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you,
she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would
not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy
and should not be seen by the light of day.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys
these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and
something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go
out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip
into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from
Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are sore.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This
is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-of-the-
art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.

POLITICS:
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things
such as voting.

Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and
getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry
on election night.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms,
either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical
pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out,
rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect
to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

CHEERLEADERS:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.

Male cheerleaders are scary.

SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of
clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or
12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their
toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens toys:
miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic
equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on command, video games, and
anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to
operate.

PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.

The man will water the plants.

The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No
one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

So.. why DID the chicken cross the road?

Adolf Hitler : It needed Lebensraum.

Margaret Thatcher : There was no alternative.

Saddam Hussein : This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we werequite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the
road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own
preservation.

Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

Basil Fawlty: Oh don't mind that chicken, it's from Barcelona.

A new benchmark has been released which accurately measures the speed of any
computer. The computer is pushed off the top of a building, and speed
calculated by multiplying by 32.2 fps squared.

The MIPS (Meaningless Index of Plumeting Speed) rating is the raw value times
the number of CPUs. This is called the FhallingStone benchmark.

How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one to mix the drinks, one to expound on how
much better it is without a man...

In his book Dateline America, Charles Kuralt tells of a sign he saw on the
door of a cafe in Indiana. It said: Open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Closed Thursday.

The founder of McDonald's, Ray Kroc, was asked by a reporter what he believed
in. "I believe in God, my family, and McDonald's," he said. Then he added,
"When I get to the office, I reverse the order."

A woman had ordered a book from a large publishing company. Several weeks
later she received the following letter: "Many thanks for your recent order.
We wish we could fill it at once, but improvements in our procedures will mean
a delay in shipping."

Murphy's Law--"If anything can go wrong, it will"--should be extended as
follows: "and usually late on a Friday afternoon."

"No matter how tired you may be, your exhaustion is fully justified, as can be
proven by simple arithmetic. The U.S. has a population of 200 million. Of
these, 72 million are over 65 years old, leaving 128 million to do the work.
When you subtract the 75 million people under 21, you get 53 million. There
are also 24 million employed by the Federal Government, which leaves 29
million to do the work. The 12 million in the Armed Forces leave only 17
million to do the work, and, when you subtract from this the 15,765,000 who
are in state and city offices and 520,000 in hospitals, mental institutions
and similar places, the work force is reduced to 715,000. Fine, but-- 462,000
are bums and vagrants, leaving only 253,000 to do the work. There are 252,998
people in jail, leaving--you guessed it--just 2 people, you and me. And I'm
getting tired."

So God says to Adam: "How you doing?" Adam replies: "I'm just great!" The
weather is perfect, the food is fine, there's no disease or sin. I don't
think it could be better, God." God says: "Are you sure there's nothing I
can do for you?" Adam: "Well, God, there is one thing. Sometimes I think
I'd give an arm and a leg just to have someone to talk with." God: "I've
been thinking about that. How would you like it if I got another person for
you? Like you, but different. A little smaller. A lot rounder and softer.
Someone with a voice like a bell. Someone to help clean up around the garden,
to prepare your meals, to bear your children. Someone to stand by you through
thick and thin, to be a loving, caring companion for all your days?" Adam:
"Gee, God, that sounds great! But what can I get for just a rib?"

This cowboy was out looking for a job one day. He stopped at a ranchers house
to ask the rancher for a job. This rancher looks over the cowboy and thinks
to himself, "Waal, he looks ok, 10 gallon hat, denim shirt, denim pants but
he's wearing tennis shoes. Guess I'll see what he can do."

So the rancher tells the cowboy. "OK, let's see what you can do. Go rope
that calf over there and brand it."

The cowboy has the calf branded before the little doggie knows what hit him.
Well, the rancher is a bit impressed but still not too sure so he gives him
another test. "Now break that there bronc", he points to a wild looking
stallion in a corral.

This cowboy saddles, and rides the bronc, wildest ride you've ever seen.
After 5 minutes the bronc is so tired he settles down and the cowboy hand the
rancher a tame horse.

This rancher is IMPRESSED now. "OK, son you got the job. There's just one
question I gotta ask you. You rope and ride real well and you look mostly
like a cowboy except for them tennis shoes. Why don't you wear cowboy boots
instead of tennis shoes?"

The cowboy looks the rancher in the eye and says, "I would wear cowboy boots
but then people would think I was a damn trucker!"

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office. "Doc, I want my sex drive
lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex
drive' is all in your head?"

"You're d*mn right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!"

Australian foreplay: "Brace y'self, Sheila."

Biker foreplay: "Spread 'em, bitch."

Upon visiting a friend in Oklahoma, the Texan continuously stated that crops,
buildings, etc were bigger in Texas. Tiring of the bragging of his Texas
frind, the Oklahoman decided to one up him. That night, while the friend was
in the shower, the Oklahoman put a rather large snapping turtle in the Texan's
bed. When the Texan pulled back the covers to get in bed, he let out a yell
upon seeing the turtle. When the Oklahoman came into the room the Texan asked
"What's that doing in my bed?" The Oklahoman replied,"That? Oh, that's just
one of our bed bugs."

The Texan responded," Cute little fella, ain't he."

An efficiency expert looks at a symphony orchestra playing an unfinished
symphony by Schubert:

1. For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra.

2. Forty violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary
duplication, and this section should be drastically cut. If a larger volume
of sound is required, this could be achieved through an electronic amplifier.

3. Much effort was absorbed in the playing of demi/semi-quavers. This seems
an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded to
the nearest semi-quaver. If this were done, it should be possible to use
trainees and lower-grade operators.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has
already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were
eliminated, the concert could be reduced to twenty minutes.

If Schubert had attended to these matters, he probably would have been able to
finish his symphony after all.

Sign in a hot dog stand near the bus garage in West Hollywood, California:
"Bus drivers must have exact change"

A factory worker was called on the carpet by the manager for talking back to
his foreman.

"Is it true that you called him a liar?" asked the manager.

"Yes," said the worker, staring down at the floor.

"Did you call him stupid?"

"Yes."

"Slave driver?"

"Yes."

"And did you call him an opinionated, bull-headed egomaniac?"

The fellow looked up questioningly. "No. . .should I have?"

In a SMART CHART Cartoon, two businessmen are gazing at a sales chart with the
line off the chart headed toward the basement. Says one to the other: "If we
could just get back up to broke, we could quit."

An industrial expert went around asking different people, "What do you like
best about your job?"

"The good pay," one factory worker replied.

"What do you like least about your job?" asked the expert.

"The good pay," he said again.

The expert was surprised. "What do you mean? You like it the best and you
like it the least?"

"Well, I like it because it pays me well, so that's the good part. But if it
didn't pay so well, I'd quit! That would be better!"

Two men are having their hair cut in a barbershop. When the barber starts to
sprinkle hair tonic on one of them, he says "Hey! don't put that stinkadora on
me. My wife will think I smell like a whorehouse." The other man says
calmly, "You can put it on me, barber. My wife doesn't know what a whorehouse
smells like."

A man who stammers is being made fun of for this, and turns on his tormentor
with the question "W-w-w-well, w-w-we all have out little p-p-pecularities,
you kn-know. F-f-f-for instance, which hand do you w-w-w-wipe your bottom
with?"

"The left hand."

"W-w-well, that's y-y-y-your peculiarity. M-m-m-most people y-y-y-use paper."

"What became of your girl?" "She got syphilis and bled to death." "You don't
bleed to death when you have syphilis."

"You do when you give it to me."

Three budding athletes are trying to get into the stadium for the olympics but
they forgot their passes. As they are standing there arguing with the guard a
fellow comes up dressed in his his jogging suit and carrying a ball in his
hand. He shouts "Greece, shot put!", and the guard waves him in.

The other three see the light and one gets into his jogging suit, tears off a
hubcap from a parked car, comes up to the gate and shouts "England, discus!"
The guard waves him in.

The second one into suit, grabs a broom handle, gets to guard, shouts "Italy,
javelin!", and gets waved in.

The third one puts on his jogging suit, wraps himself into about 30 yards of
barbed wire, waddles up to the guard and shouts "Poland, FENCING!".

George Bush said to Dan Quayle, "Dan, it's been a long time since we have done
something fun ya' know." and Dan says like male bonding boss?" George said
"Yea, I guess so...some thing like that. Lets go take the Jeep out for a ride
and check out the White House garden." They goto the White House garage, and
uncover the Jeep. "O.K. Dan, lets be safe...lets make sure that everything on
works." says George, so he started up the Jeep and asked Dan to make sure
that the exhaust worked. Dan replied "It's fine boss", then he walked to the
front of the car and checked to make sure that they headlights worked...they
did. George then said O.K., and finally Dan, in case we get into trouble, we
have to make sure that the emergency blinkers work." So Dan got behind the
Jeep, and said "Hit it boss." George turned on the hazard lights and said
"Do they work Dan?" and Dan responded "Yea they work...No they don't... Yea
they work... No they don't... Yea the work... No they don't..."

Here is a story that says a lot about customer service. A man was preparing
his favorite breakfast of hot oatmeal when his daughter came rushing in with
his little grandson. "The baby-sitter has been delayed," she explained, "and
I've got to go to work. Will you keep Bobby for a few hours?"

Granddad said sure and his daughter left. Then Granddad scooped up two bowls
of oatmeal. "Do you like sugar?" he asked.

When Bobby nodded he asked, "How about some butter, too?"

When his grandson nodded again he asked, "How about milk?"

"Sure," the boy said.

But when the grandfather placed the steaming bowl of oatmeal in front of
Bobby, the boy made a face and pushed it away.

"But when I asked you, you said you liked sugar, butter and milk," grandfather
protested.

"Yeah," Bobby answered, "but you didn't ask me if I like oatmeal."

Lucy: I'm thinking of starting some new hobbies...

Charlie Brown: That's a good idea, Lucy. The people who get the most out of
life are those who really try to accomplish something.

Lucy: Accomplish something? I thought we were just supposed to keep busy!

What do Little Miss Muffet and Sadam Husain (sp) have in common?

They both have curds in their wey!!

You might be a redneck if...
...you have ever used lard in bed.
...you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
...you have ever spraypainted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
...you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
...someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
...your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips
before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
...the primary color of your car is Bondo.
...directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
...your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
...you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
...you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
...Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
...your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
...you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty
milk jug in the car.
...you have a rag for a gas cap.
...the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
...you have a hefty bag where the passenger side window of your car
should be.
...you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
...you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of the message
"For a good time call _______."
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
...you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work
...your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
...you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
...your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
...you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
...your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
...your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
...you have ever started a petition to have the national anthem
changed to "Free Bird."
...you call the boss "dude."
...you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
...you consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
...you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
...you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a
freebie at the House of Tattoos.
...your father encourages you to quit school because Larry as an
opening on the lube rack.
...you get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
...after making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
...anyone in your family has ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
...your family tree is a straight line.
...you own more cowboy boots and sneakers.
...you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
...you have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash over the fireplace.
...you still have an 8-track tape player in your car.
...you have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.
...your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard.
...your think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.
...you own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds.
...you've ever been to a funeral where there were more pickup
trucks than cars.
...your all-time favorite move is Cannonball Run.
...you have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.

The little girl was walking in the garden. She happened to see a peacock, a
bird she had never seen before. After gazing in silent admiration, she ran
into the house and cried out, "Oh, Granny, come and see. One of your chickens

is in bloom!"

The lady they sawed in half at the circus has finally retired.
She now lives in Chicago... and New Orleans!

A five-year-old, visiting a farm for the first time, was looking at a fat sow
lying in a pen. Said the farmer, "She's mighty big, isn't she?"

"You bet," said the youngster. "I just saw six little piggies blowing her up a

few minutes ago."

A small boy, told not to go swimming in a nearby pond, came home with his hair

wet. He told his mother he had fallen into the water.

"Then why aren't your clothes wet too?" she asked..

"Well," he replied, "I had a hunch I might fall in so I took off my clothes
and hung them on a limb."

One little boy said he was attending the wrong school. "I can't read and I
can't write," he complained, "and they won't let me talk!"

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.

There are three reasons why she likes teaching....June, July, and August!

What's the difference between lawyers and catfish? Well, one is a low-down,
scum-sucking scavenger. The other is a fish.

What's the difference between an Alabama coed and a catfish? One has whiskers

and smells. The other is a fish.....

Although there were only enough cookies for each child to have three at a
party for little folks, young Bobby took four.

"You're supposed to get only 3 cookies, Bobby, " said the hostess. "You ought
to put the fourth one back."

"Can't," exclaimed Bobby. "I ate that one first."

"Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it
faster, too."

Have you heard that Pee Wee has changed his "style" of comedy?

From now on he is only going to do slap-stick!

The guy down the street has a great new job (his words)......He is going to be

Pee Wee's right hand man!

What did Dahmer say to Pee Wee?

Stop playing with your food!

The Pope convenes the College of Cardinals and announces to them:

"Excellent brethren, I have some good news for you ... and some bad news.

The good news is that I have spoken with our Lord, and His return in glory is
imminent! He wants us to arrange the rental of some soccer stadiums and other

places for the Last Judgement, prepare for the Resurection and join in
establishing the Kingdom of God.

Yes, after all these centuries, His Second Coming is at hand!"

"Why, Holy Father, with such marvelous good news, how can there ever be any
bad news again?" replied the cardinals.

"Well... you see... He was calling from Salt Lake City."

What are Peww Wee Hermans favorite Baseball teams?

The EXPOS and the YANKS!

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?

A: Her boyfriend was blonde too.

Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along
learning more and more about less and less until they know practically
everything about nothing.

Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things
and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know
practically nothing about everything.

Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up

knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with
experts and lawyers.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

A teacher asked her children to draw pictures of Christmas to hang up in the
windows. One student drew a picture of the Nativity, with Mary, Joseph, the
Christ-child, 3 wise men, etc. Off to one side was an extra figure, a very
portly sort of fellow with a large stomach. When the teacher asked who that
was, the student replied "That's round John Virgin!"

Fred Abernathy was a devoted reader of the obituary column of his local paper.

All of Fred's friends knew of this habit, so one day they decided to play a
trick on him by placing his name and picture in the obituaries.

The following morning Fred picked up his newspaper, turned to the obituary
page, and there he saw his name, his biography and his photo. Startled, he
went to the telephone and rang up his pal, George. "Listen," he said. "Do you

have the morning paper? You do? Please turn to the obituary page. You
have? What do you see in the second column?"

There was a pause, then George said, "Holy smoke! It's you, Fred!
It's you all right! Listen, where are you calling from?"

At the death of Nikita Kruschev many years ago, a humorous story circulated in

political circles. The Communist party that had cast Mr. Kruschev aside was
uncomfortable with the idea of burying his body on Soviet soil. They first
called the President of the United States, Richard Nixon, and asked if the
U.S. would take Kruschev's corpse. Nixon had his own problems at the time and

declined. Then the Soviet leaders tried Golda Meir, Prime Minister of Israel.

Mrs. Meir was agreeable but she added, "I must warn you that this country has
the world's highest resurrection rate."

Soon after the 1929 crash, a cemetery was forced to put up a sign:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

A man had dreamt all his life of going to Rome. He told his friend, the local

barber, all about it one day while having his hair cut.

"How will you get there?"

"I'm going on Alitalia."

"No-not them," said the barber, "They have a terrible reputation. Where will
you stay?"

"At the Rome Hilton."

"Forget it," said his friend, "I hear their hotel there is abysmal. When you
get there what will you do?"

"Why, I'm going to see the Pope."

"Come on. Who are you? You're not famous or well-known. Don't be
ridiculous!"

A month later the man returned to get his hair cut again. "So, you never got
to Rome, did you?"

"Oh, yes, I did! Alitalia was a wonderful airline. And the Hilton hotel was
magnificent. And I did get to see the Pope."

"Well, what happened?" asked the barber anxiously.

"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."

"You're kidding! What did he say?"

"He looked at me and said, `Son, where did you get that lousy haircut?'"

"Dear Sir:

When I subscribed a year ago, you stated that if I was not satisfied at the
end of the year I could have my money back. Well, I would like to have it
back. On second thought, to save you the trouble, you may apply it to my next

year's subscription."

William Howard Taft was trying to deliver a political speech. The audience
was full of hecklers and critics. At one point, one of the hecklers tossed a
head of cabbage onto the stage, barely missing Taft. Taft paused for a
moment, peered at the cabbage, and then said calmly, "Ladies and gentlemen, I
see that one of my opponents has lost his head."

The squeaky tenor had just concluded. The applause was less than warm. But
one member of the audience was exclaiming, "Extraordinary! Wonderful!
Unbelievable!"

"Pardon me," said a puzzled man sitting in the next seat. "You astound me. I
think I may claim some knowledge of the subject, and I think his voice was
very poor."

"Voice?" said the other man . "I wasn't thinking of his voice. I was praising

his nerve!"

Pity the poor pastor who was delivering his sermon when a gentlemen in the
back pew turned his head to one side, put his hand to his ear, and said,
"Louder." The preacher raised his voice somewhat and continued with his
sermon, which was not too interesting. After a few minutes the man said
again, "Louder!" The preacher strained even more and continued on, but by now
the sermon had become quite boring. The man said again, "Louder!" At this
point a man on the front row couldn't stand it any longer and yelled back to
the man in the rear. "What's the matter, can't you hear?"

"No," said the man in the back.

"Well," said the man down front, "move over, I'm coming back to join you."

What's the difference between a poodle and a pit bull humping your leg?

The pit bull gets to finish.

Dairy Queen: Milk man in high heels.

You can see the relationship between Ted Turner and Jane Fonda is affecting
her new workout video. She keeps moving to the right.

The good thing about inflation is that homeowners can live in a more expensive

neighborhood without the hassle of moving.

I think my bank is in trouble. Right next to the pens chained to the desk,
they've chained the bank president.

I should have known the bank was in trouble. The calendar they gave me only
went up to March.

I must have an immense quantity of mind. It takes so long to make it up.

--Mark Twain

When Willie Mays was a rookie, he faced another future Hall of Famer, Warren
Spahn, on the pitcher's mound sixty feet six inches away. Mays creamed one of

Spahn's pitches over the fence for his first big-league home run. Asked later

about the pitch, Spahn said, "Well, it looked great for the first sixty feet"

When I was a little boy, I wanted to be a baseball player and join the
circus. With the Yankees I've accomplished both.

--Craig Nettles

My doctor takes no chances. Before operating on me, he gave me a pre-surgery
credit-scan.

A man was hit by a car, and as he lay in the street waiting for an ambulance,
an onlooker covered him with a jacket and propped his head on a pillow.

"Are you comfortable?" the helper asked.

The injured man replied, "I make a living."

Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel across
the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.

--Charles Kuralt

Attorney: someone who writes a 4 page document and calls it a brief.

This weekend the Road Runner Club is sponsoring a marathon just for lawyers.
The pace car is an ambulance.

Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Old realtors never die; they just get listless.

My brother-in-law works at the same company I do--he's our anchor man. We
call him that because he keeps us from moving forward.

My father is a very highly respected accountant--a ledger in his own time.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

--Goethe

A New York cab driver picked up an Englishman at the airport "You're British,
right?"

"Indeed," replied the tourist

"Well, here's a famous American riddle for you. I'm thinking of someone who
has the same father and mother as I do, but is not my sister or my brother.
Who can it be?"

The Brit frowned, tugged at his mustache, and after a long pause replied, '
very well, I give up--who can it be?"

"Me," the driver laughed.

The passenger thought a minute and then began laughing along with the cabbie.

After returning to his home in England, he decided to try the riddle on his
friends.

`While traveling in the States, I picked up this delightful American riddle:
I'm thinking of someone who has the same parents I have, but the person is not

my sister or brother. Can you guess of whom am I thinking?"

The group thought, tried various possibilities, and finally gave up. "Stymied!

Of whom ARE you thinking?"

He flung his head back, slapped his knee and laughed, "He's a New York cab
driver!"

My friend doesn't know how to communicate well with his kids. When they
complained that he wasn't giving them enough quality time, he bought each of
them a Rolex.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have
a common enemy.

--Sam Levenson

My daughter told me she wants to be a seismologist, so I enrolled her
in the School of Hard Knocks.

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

I developed a great incentive for doing sit-ups. I put M&Ms between my toes.

In the late 1600's the finest musical instruments came from three rural
families whose workshops were side by side in the Italian village of Cremona
Outside the shop of the Arnatis hung a sign which read, 'The Best violins In
All Italy." Not to be outdone, their next door neighbors, the Guarnieris, hung

a sign proclaiming 'The Best Violins In All The World!" At the end of the
street was the workshop of Anton Stradivarius, and on his front door was a
simple notice which read, 'The Best Violins On The Block."

When men and women get married, they need a marriage license. What do lesbians

need?

A licker license.

Christmas is a strange time of year. That's when people celebrate the birth
of the Prince of Peace by buying toy rockets, submarines, artillery, and hand
grenades for their children.

The Parents' Prayer: "May this be the Christmas when Barbie goes out, gets
herself a job, and buys her own darn clothes.

It's a good idea to send the kids to bed early on Christmas Eve. It gives
fathers a few more hours to play with their toys.

The cheapest place to meet for the holidays is Grandma's house - unless you're

Grandpa.

Banks never seem to get totally into the holiday spirit. My bank sent me a
card that said, "Have a Happy Holiday. If You Are Already Having A Happy
Holiday, Please Disregard This Notice."

An office party is an event that's on your schedule for an hour, on your
conscience for a week, and on your personnel record forever.

One hot item this year is a jigsaw puzzle of the old phone company. It's for
people who want to put it back together.

A grandmother was sitting on the beach watching her young grandson. He had on

his little hat, his little sunsuit, and was playing with his little bucket and

shovel. Suddenly a big wave came and swept the child out to sea. The
grandmother fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, God please return my
grandchild. He is such a sweet boy, such a good boy, such a wonderful
child." Miraculously, another big wave returned the child to the exact spot
where he had been before--unhurt still in his little sunsuit, still holding
his little bucket and shovel. The grandmother looked to the heavens, threw up

her arms, and said, "He had a hat. . ."

Perfection: that quality unique to the person your spouse could have married.

One man decided to have a manicure along with his shave at the barbershop.

"How about going out with me tonight?" he asked the manicurist.

"I'm sorry, but I can't," replied the woman. "I'm married."

"So what? Just tell the old fool you have to work late tonight."

"Why don't you tell him yourself?" asked the manicurist. "He's the one
shaving you."

A magazine sent a notice addressed to Ralph Fowler, that his subscription had
expired. The notice came back with a hand-written note saying, "So has
Ralph."

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept
getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband,
who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on

her card: "Our deepest sympathy." But she was not nearly as surprised as the
woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I
expected. Too bad you didn't come too."

Santa Claus and an elf were having an argument. Santa said there were 49
states, and the elf said there were 50. Finally the elf went through Santa's
list of states and found the one that was missing. With a big smile, he said
to Santa, "Yes, Santa Claus, there is a Virginia!"

Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas
season are: "Peace on Earth," "Good will to men," and "Batteries not
included."

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one
night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod--one that did not admit Jews. The
desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is
full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit
Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted
to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus
born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town
called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't
give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

One woman to another as they looked at a manger scene and stained glass
windows in a downtown store window in windy Chicago, "Humph, look at that,
will ya. The church is trying to horn in on Christmas!"

Children's letters to Santa: "Dear Santa, My folks are getting the toys; you
just bring the batteries...Matt."

"Just go out there and give your sermon with fire and determination. You're
not afraid of the congregation, are you?"

"Oh, no," smiled the vicar. "The choir and I have them outnumbered."

Dad criticized the sermon, Mother thought the organist made a lot of
mistakes. Sister didn't like the choir's singing. But they all shut up when
Billy chipped in with the remark: "I think it was a darn good show for a
dime."

Two ladies, dressed to the hilt in their Easter Finery, were making slow
progress in the crowd headed for the entrance to the church. Finally one of
them burst out impatiently, "Now wouldn't you think that these people who do
nothing but go to church Sunday after Sunday would stay home on Easter and
leave room for the rest of us!"

A Saturday night backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on
Sunday mornings. The pastor was highly gratified and told him,

"How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Parson," said the prodigal, "it's a matter of choice--I'd rather hear
your sermon than hers."

American evangelist Billy Graham tells the amusing story of a fire which broke

out in a small-town church. When the fire brigade, siren wailing, arrived on
the spot the minister recognized one of the men. "Hello, there. Jim I
haven't seen you in church for a long time," he chided.

"Well," answered the sweating man, struggling with the hose, "there hasn't
been a fire in church for a long time."

Golf pro: "Now just go through the motions without hitting the ball."
Beginner: "That's precisely the trouble I'm trying to overcome."

First golfer: "Shall we play again next Saturday?"
Second golfer: "Well, I was going to get married on Saturday, but I can put it

off."

There were two kids in the 3rd grade one was black and one was white.

Which one had the bigger dick?
The black kid, he's 18.

Joe and Bob are playing golf, and Joe's ball ends up in the woods. Bob says,
"you'll never see that ball again." Joe says, "no, I'm using a very special
ball. It can't get lost. If it ends up in the rough, it sends up flares. If

it goes in the water, it inflates pontoons and floats to the surface. If it
ends up in shadows, it turns on a strobe light. You can't lose this ball."

Sure enough, they hear a loud beeping from the woods, and Joe follows the
noise to his ball. Bob says, "That's amazing! Where can I buy one of those?"

Joe replies, "I don't know -- I found this one."

I've got one even worse straight from a friend who does computer support. The

secretary couldn't get the disk in right. He tried every way he knew to make
sure she was putting it in the right way...Is the label on the top, left?,
etc. Finally he figures it out (these were 5 1/4 disks), that she was putting

them in *with the paper sleeve still on*.

So he tells her to take the sleeve off and just put the disk in....now, the
disks are getting stuck in the machine and she's having to retrieve them with
a pair of pointy scissors....after a while, to make a woeful story short...he
figures out she had cut off the plastic covering and was trying to insert the
bare circular media into the drive....

World to be destroyed be meteor tonight at 8:00PM. Film at 11:00.

A graduate student working on juvenile delinquency reported in a sociology
seminar that he was having difficulty collecting data. His project was to
telephone a dozen homes around 9 PM and ask the parents if they knew where
their children were at that hour.

"My first five calls," he lamented, "were answered by children who had no idea

where their parents were!"

Dear Mom and Dad:

Everything is OK, well, almost everything -- you see, I have a terrible
headache about every half hour. I've been having this headache ever since I
jumped from my dormitory during the fire. A fine looking young man was
passing my window when he saw the flames leaping from the window. He was kind

enough to call the fire department and ambulance. Since my furniture was
burned up and my room destroyed, I have been staying at this young man's
apartment. I thought seriously about marrying him but I know how you feel
about mixed marriages. We are trying to decide however, whether or not I
should get an abortion.

Now I really don't want you to worry any. In fact, Mom and Dad, none of the
above happened to me. I don't have a headache. There was not a fire in the
dorm, and I didn't meet a young man with whom I'm living, nor am I pregnant.

I am writing this letter to tell you that I've just received my report card.
I have three D's and two F's. I just thought, if I put this in a different
perspective, it would sound better!

Your loving daughter

Louis Armstrong, the legendary master of the trumpet, had signed an exclusive
contract with a recording company. At one point during the term of the
contract, the recording company heard Armstrong's strong and distinctive horn
on another label. They called him in for a meeting and presented their case.

Louis Armstrong then proved himself to be an equal master of comedic
reconciliation. He said, "I didn't do it--and I'll never do it again." Both
sides leveled with the other but laughter allowed the relationship to
continue.

Humor is an ideal tension breaker. Some months after his defeat in the
Presidential race of 1984, former Vice President Walter Mondale was giving a
talk about terrorism at the American Bar Association convention in London. As

reported in THE WASHINGTON POST, suddenly there was an explosion. Security
men jumped to their feet and the audience stiffened. It quickly became
apparent that the noise had come from an exploding TV camera light.
Unfortunately, this was immediately followed by fire sprinklers going into
action, drenching the occupants of the room. Mondale looked around and then
observed, "Once you're out of office, you find there is very little dignity in

this world."

Frederick R. Kappel, then chairman and C.E.O. of the American Telephone and
Telegraph Co., was conducting its annual shareholders' meeting.

The meeting, a volatile one, was now in its fourth hour. Kappel had fielded
many tough questions, the hour was late, the large audience ready to go home.

But a woman who's made a specialty of attending corporate annual meetings, had

still another question to ask. She was unhappy with the magnitude of
corporate contributions to good causes.

"Mr. Chairman," she asked, "how much did AT&T give to charity?"

"Ten million dollars last year," Kappel answered.

The woman said mockingly, "I think I'm going to faint."

Kappel said, "That would be very helpful." Laughter and applause from the
audience. Control was back with the speaker. Humor scores again!

The florist was also a bad speller. A politician returning from a national
convention had a lot of explaining to do. The card that came with her flowers

read, "Having the time of my life--wish you were her."

A doctor and a lawyer were having a friendly discussion during a cocktail
party when a woman interrupted to ask the doctor about her sore knee. He
talked at length about various methods of relief ranging from compresses to
pain-killing tablets.

After the woman left, he turned to the lawyer in exasperation, "I think I
should send her a bill, don't you?"

"Yes," replied the lawyer, "I think you should."

So in the next day's mail the woman received her bill from the doctor at about

the same time the doctor got one from the lawyer.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.--Mark Twain

My uncle is a criminal lawyer. Somehow, that sounds redundant.

My psychiatrist just told me to remember that the best things in life are
free. That advice cost me fifty bucks.

I know a guy who is never on time for a doctor's appointment - he's my doctor.

My doctor is thorough. He gives me a stress test every time I visit him.
It's his bill.

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She once again told him that she wouldn't
answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again she

told him that it was not a question he should ask, and to not ask that
question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he
was doing and as he turned towards his mother, he beamingly told her he had
found all of the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license.

He said, "Mother, you are 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced
you because you got an 'F' in sex."

A young man filled out a job application. He handed it to the manager of
the employment office.

"Excuse me," the manager said, "but you left off something here. You say your
birthday is October 24. May I ask you which year?"

The young man looked puzzled, then answered, "Why, every year, of course."

The newly rich woman was going through a a "culture" routine and at this
particular moment was standing in front of a painting at New York's famous
Metropolitan Museum. It was a beautiful oil of a ragged but happy vagabond.

"Well" exclaimed the woman indignantly. "How do you like that? Too broke to

buy a decent suit of clothes, but he can afford to go out and get his portrait

painted."

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition
in a newly opened gallery recently. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught

her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother
and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves alone in a
room of modern sculpture. Staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and
tangled shapes, one of them said, "Let's get out of here before they accuse us

of wrecking this place."

When the lady who was making out the application came to the little square
marked "Age," she did not hesitate. She simply wrote: "Atomic".

There was a little book from Doubleday titled, DEAR GOD, CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO

GOD. One young man wrote, "Dear God, was there anything special about
Bethlehem or did you just figure that that was as good a place as any to start

a franchise? Your friend, Jim age 12."

We may be like one young man I heard about whose grandmother sent him a shirt
for Christmas. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck and the shirt
was size 12. When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, "Dear Grandma,

thanks a lot for the shirt. I'd write more, but I'm all choked up."

Arriving for a visit, the woman asked her small granddaughter, "Megan, how do

you like your new baby brother?"

"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we
needed worse."

The way house costs are growing these days, a man's home is- his
hassle!

Is a priest who dresses up for a costume party a blessing in disguise?

If a police woman pulls over her heart-throb for a traffic violation, is it
cardiac arrest?

As a consequence of the Persian Gulf activity a military mans says his
children will be watching "The Saudi Duty Show."

He himself looks forward to the touching tale of how a Kuwaiti navy captain,
his seven singing children and their nanny fled the Republican Guard and
escaped across- the Saudi border: "The Sound of Muezzins"!

"It's spring and I've been busy putting in seeds for a vegetablegarden.
However, my terrier pup follows and digs them up as soon as I've planted!
This has caused me to hire a group of rabbits from a nearby forest preserve to

help put the seeds in again -- they're known as my "reseeding hare line."

For your true classified ads I offer the followiny which I learned when I was
studyiny TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) at the University of
Toronto. The professor swore these were actual ads:

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in
a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707

after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should

have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs.

Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one

sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for
Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed
it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not
been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but
she quit!

A professor who had taught for many years was counseling a young teacher.
"You will discover," he said, "that in nearly every class, there will be a
youngster eager to argue. Your first impulse will be to silence him, but I
advise you to think carefully before doing so. He probably is the only one
listening."

The clothes that make a woman break a man.

She: "The contralto certainly has a large repertoire."
He: "Yes and that tight dress sure shows it off."

A woman wears a sweater to accentuate the positive and a girdle to eliminate
the negative.

Mother had bought father a new tie for his birthday. "I wonder what would go
best with it," she asked, after he had opened the package. Father eyed the
violet-colored horror, and exclaimed, "A beard."

Down South for a visit, the young Yankee made a date with a local lovely.
When he called for her at her home, she was clad in a low-cut, tight-fitting
gown. He remarked, "That's a beautiful dress."

"Sho 'nough?" she drawled.

"It sure does."

Do you see the Pillsbury Dough Boy as a roll model?

There are certain "givens" in family life. For example, when you're all
dressed up for a night out the first child to kiss you goodbye is the one
who's been finger painting.

Life deals some funny turns. Take shaving for instance. I've never seen any
man get bald on the face.

I'm normally not a joiner, but I just signed up with an organization called
The Meek Against Inheriting The Earth.

"Fat" is such an ugly word. When it comes to food, I prefer to be called
"pro choice."

Being fat is its own reward. Not once has anyone ever asked me to help re-
shingle a roof.

Television: chewing gum for the eyes.

Graffiti on the wall of a physics building at a state university:

"Love makes the world go round-- with a little help
from intrinsic angular momentum."

They say the number of criminals is still rising. Where are we going to put
them all? Prisons and government are already overflowing.

Politics isn't such a bad profession. If you succeed, you can become
president. If you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.

The Latin professor arrived home late, his jacket torn, his trousers soiled,
his hat battered and his eyeglasses bent.

"Professor!" exclaimed his housekeeper, "Whatever happened to you?"

"Why, I scarcely know," said the professor, seating himself gently. "I was
crossing the street when, without provocation of any sort, I was suddenly
assaulted by two hoodla."

A witness was called to the stand to testify about a head-on automobile
collision. "Whose fault was this accident?" the lawyer asked.

"As near as I could tell," replied the witness, "they hit each other at about

the same time."

A Department of Agriculture report said there may not be enough turkeys to go
around this year. How can that be, with Thanksgiving and elections in the
same month?

The following is a verbatim transcript of a sentence imposed in 1881 upon a
defendant convicted of murder in the Federal District Court of the Territory
of New Mexico. The judge who imposed the sentence was a United States judge.

The trial was held in Taos, NM, in an adobe stable being used as a temporary
courtroom.

"Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, in a few short weeks it will be Spring.
The snows of Winter will flee away, and the ice will vanish, and the air will
become soft and balmy. In short, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, the
annual miracle of the years will awaken and come to pass, but you won't be
there."

"The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea, the timid desert flowers
will put forth their tender shoots, the glorious valleys of this imperial
domain will blossom as the rose. Still, you won't be here to see."

"From every treetop some wild woods songster will carol his mating song,
butterflies will sport in the sunshine, the busy bee will hum happy as it
pursues its accustomed vocation, the gentle breeze will tease the tassels of
the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, will be
glad, but you. You won't be here to enjoy it because I command the sheriff or

some other officers of the country to lead you out to some remote spot, swing
you by the neck from a notting bough of some sturdy oak, and let you hang
until you are dead."

"And then, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, I further command that such
officer or officers retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that vultures
may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until nothing shall remain
but bare, bleached bones of a cold-blooded, copper-colored, blood-thirsty,
throat-cutting, chili-eating, sheep-herding, murdering son-of-a-bitch!"

United States of America vs Gonzales (1881)
United States District Court, New Mexico Territory Sessions

Indian guide (with ear to the ground): Buffalo come.

Tourist: Wow, that's amazing! How can you tell?

Indian Guide: Ground sticky.

The old drunk in the corner didn't know the owner of the frontier town saloon
had given the church permission to hold services there while a church was
being constructed.

"Aha," said the drunk as the pastor stepped up to lead the service," A new
bartender."

The choir stepped forward to sing. "Oh, great," he thought, "a new floor
show."

Then he peered out at the congregation: "Heck! same old customers."

When Noah was seeing off the animals, he made his traditional speech,
encouraging them to go forth and multiply. Several animals, hearing this
speech, left with smirks on their faces. There were already some swollen
abdomens. But a pair of snakes looked positively depressed. Noah asked what
was wrong, and the snakes said that they had heard Noah's admonition to go
forth and multipy, but they were adders.

Noah said not to be discouraged, and sent his sons out to cut down a tree and
some vines. When they returned, he had them cut the tree into 4-foot long
pieces. Those were lashed with the vines into a platform. Branches from the
tree were then lashed on to make a table. Then Noah put the snakes on the
table and told them they could be happy because...

Even adders can multiply on a log table!

Millie: "I went out last night with a Southerner. He took me to dinner and
dancing and was a perfect gentleman. Then he took me home in a cab."

Lillie: "What happened then?"

Millie: "He got a bit Northern."

A newspaper was running a competition to discover the most high principled,
sober, well-behaved local citizen. Among the entries came one which read:

"I don't smoke, touch intoxicants or gamble. I am faithful to my wife and
never look at another woman. I am hardworking, quiet and obedient. I never
go to the movies or the theater, and I go to bed early every night and rise
with the dawn. I attend chapel regularly every Sunday without fail.

"I've been like this for the past three years. But just wait until next
spring, when they let me out of here!"

And then there's the touching story of the young man who said to his girl, "I
bet you wouldn't marry me."

The story goes that she not only called his bet but raised him five.

The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.

"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick
the winner?"

The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered.

"Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper
and, well, there it is."

The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But
how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"

"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."

If you want a short winter, have your loan come due in the spring.

Salesclerk: "You make a small deposit, then pay no more for six months."

Customer: "Who told you about us?"

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He never expects to be repaid.

"I've come to pay that bill I've owed you for so long," said Jones. "That
letter you wrote me would get money out of a stone. How did you ever think it
up?"

Replied his creditor: "I didn't. I selected the best parts from letters my
son sends me from college."

I shop like a bull--charge everything.

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT

A device that permits the wife to beat you to the draw.

THE WORLD'S BEST AFTER-DINNER SPEECH

"Waiter, give me both checks."

DEFEAT

One who has ulcers, but still isn't a success.

DIVORCE

A vow tied with a slipknot.

MASON AND DIXON LINE

The division between "You-all" and "Youse-guys."

COMMITTEE

A group of people who individually can do nothing
and who collectively decide nothing can be done.

DANGER

To try to leap a chasm in two jumps.

FRUSTRATION

Buying a new boomerang and finding it impossible to throw the old one away.

HYPOCHONDRIAC

A man who can't leave being well enough alone.

AMERICA

A place where we jump traffic lights to save seconds
and wait patiently for hours on the first tee.

AVERAGE

The best of the lousy and the lousiest of the best.

SUCCESS

The ability to make money enough to meet obligations
you wouldn't have if you didn't make so much money.

BUDGET

Comes from the French word bougette which means a small bag,
which is what the taxpayer is left holding.

CANCER

Cure for smoking.

TELEVISION ANNOUNCER

A person who talks until he gives you a headache
and then tries to sell you something for it.

HANGOVER

The wrath of grapes.

CELEBRITY

A person who works hard all his life to become well known,
then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

EGOTIST

One who is always me-deep in conversation.

BACHELOR

One who never Mrs. a girl.

God created orgasms...so you'd know when to stop.

You're a real hacker if:

It takes more than 1 minute to climb over the books, manuals, old printouts,
computer mags, and old dead hardware to get to your computer.

You are in the habit of checking your coffee cup for mold before you drink
from it.

A man suddenly relises that he is watching TV; Dismissed as pure stupidity.

A woman from Nevada tries to slit her wrists, when suddenly, a gust of wind
blows the blade into the toilet; Dismissed as hair- dryer misuse.

A company tries to sell you useless books by advertising about moronic facts;
Dismissed as Time Life's advertising scheme.

Order your copy of "Pleasantries Of The Known" today, and each day we'll send
you a new book of stupid facts, guarenteed to blind your cat, kill your dog,
or your money will be refunded at no extra charge.

And, as a limited time offer, we'll send you 124 Ginsu 2000 diamond cutting
blades at no extra charge. Try to cut through eight inches of lead with any
of your kitchen knives!

Again, thats the books, 124 knives, and unlimited stupidity.

Order yours today!

Three very respected Doctors were out playing a round of golf one afternoon.
One was saying how his son was doing real well in his practice as an attorney.
"I am so proud of him" the 1st Doctor says. "He is making a lot of money, why
just the other day he went out and bought a boat and liked it so much he
bought another and gave it to one of his friends."

The second doctor smiled and said "Oh that is great, My son's making a lot of
money too as an Architect, why he just built him a nice big house. He liked
it so much he built another one and gave it to one of his friends."

The third doctor was just getting ready to tee up his ball and turned to them
and said "You two are real lucky to have such fine sons. My son is gay. He
is real bum, can't keep a job and doesn't have any money, in fact the only
thing he's got are a new house and a new boat that some friend's have given
him."

A young gay guy was obsessed with his proctologist. He was madly in love with
him, but the problem was that the proctologist was straight. Every week the
gay boy would go in for a checkup. The straight proctologist saw nothing
unusual with his frequent visits, after all it was business. The gay boy was
driving himself crazy with love, so he increased his visits to twice weekly.
Alas, the straight proctologist was always business-like and never gave a hint
of feelings toward the love-struck gay boy.

Then, Valentine's Day rolled around and the gay boy was struck with an idea.
He went that day to his beloved proctologist for a seemingly normal visit.
The handsome doctor placed his proctoscope into his patient's sphincter and
looked inside. He stood up, taken aback. Surprised, the doctor said,
"Amazing! There's a bouquet of roses up your ass!"

The gay boy looked back at him dreamily and, in a sweet voice, said, "I
know... read the card."

Those who can, do

-those who can't, teach

-those who can't teach become administrators.

The pastor was in the hospital for three weeks. For a while it looked quite
serious. The Chairman of his Church Board tried to cheer him up. "Preacher,"
he said reassuringly, "we don't want you to worry about a thing. Last night
at our board meeting, we voted 10-9 to pray for your recovery."

You heard about the golfer named Jones who was twenty minutes late at the
fourth tee one Sunday morning, and the other three members of the regular
foursome were almost ready to drive off without him. "I agreed with my wife,"
explained Jones, "that this Sunday I'd toss a coin to see whether I played
golf or went to church. And you know, fellows, I had to toss that coin forty-
three times before it came up heads."

A stranger came to church and the minister was pleased to see him come
forward to sit in one of the empty seats. Afterwards he greeted the newcomer
and said, "I'm glad you felt free to sit well forward, even though you are a
visitor."

"Well," said the man, "I'm a bus driver and I just wanted to see if I could
learn how you can get everyone to move to the rear all the time."

We don't fully realize the hardships of our pioneer ancestors until we
remember that day after day they plodded their way westward into thesetting
sun without sunglasses.

A strong, stalwart Texan was unloading blacksmiths' anvils from a ship in a
Houston port. The plank broke, and he fell into the water. He went down the
first time and then the second time. Just before he went down the third time,
he yelled, "If someone doesn't help me, I'm going to drop one of these
anvils."

The baseball season was about over and the team was firmly entrenched in last
place when the manager decided to let a rookie pitcher get a little major
league experience. The rookie, who had more determination than skill, was in
deep trouble before long. Finally the manager walked out to the mound and
said, "Son, I think you have had enough for today."

"But I struck out this guy the last time he was up," the young hurler
protested violently.

"I know," snapped the manager as he waved another pitcher in from the
bullpen, "but that was earlier this inning.

Why do 24-hour convenience stores have locks on the doors if they never close?

Sadist: one who does kind things for a masochist.

Secretary:

1. a girl who can tell by a caller's name whether or not the boss is in.

2. a girl you pay to learn to type while she's looking for a husband.

Senior partner: the fellow who has nothing to do between trips to Florida;

Junior partner: the boss' son.

Have you heard about the Pullman porter who just finished reading his first
book? It's about Berth Control.

The student approached the desk of the librarian and began searching her
handbag for a note she had taken in class. Not finding it, she said hastily,
"I want to take out the book called The Red Boat."

The library assistant came back to her after a few minutes and said, "I'm
sorry but we do not have a book by that title."

"I must have made a mistake," the girl replied. "I believe it was The
Scarlet Launch."

Again the library assistant came back and this time, trying to be helpful,
suggested, "Could it be The Scarlet Letter by Hawthorne that you want?"

"No. It's not about a letter. It's about a boat," the girl said.
And then her face brightened as she found her notes. "I have it written
down," she spoke happily. "It is the Ruby Yacht by a man named Omar
something or other."

Husband: "Darling, don't you think you're being a wee bit extravagant? You've
had four electric fans running all day."

Bride: "Don't worry about it, dearest. They're not our fans; I borrowed them
from the neighbors."

Did you hear about the gynecologist who learned how to read lips?

Polish women won't breast feed thier babies because it hurts them to boil
their nipples.

Do you know why worms don't have balls?

Because they can't dance.

One day this farmer's rooster died. So the farmer went to town to get a new
rooster and the man that sells the roosters says to the farmer, I've only got
one rooster left, but yo don't want him, he screws everything. The farmer
says, well that's allright, that is what I want him for. The man says, no,
you don't understand. This rooster screws anything and I mean anything. The
farmer says, that's okay, I'll take him. So the man says okay and sold him
the rooster. The farmer took the rooster and the whole way that rooster was
squirming and trying to get loose, and as soon as they got to the farm and the
farmer let the rooster go, that rooster went straight into the hen house and
screwed every hen in there and came out with feathers flying everywhere. The
rooster grabbed the dog, screwed it, grabbed the cat, screwed it and took off
into the fields. The farmer was just watching in amazement as the rooster
started screwing the goats, cows, horses, and on and on.

Finally later that evening, the rooster came running by the farmer headed out
to another area of the farm and the farmer grabbed him and told him, if you
don't slow down you are going to die. Well, the rooster didn't even hesitate,
he just took off and started screwing the rest of the farm animals. The
farmer got sleepy and said aw the hell with him and went to bed. The next
morning, the farmer got up and went outside and that rooster was laid out on
the ground right in front of the house.

The farmer walked over to him and bent over and said, I told you if you didn't
slow down you were going to die.... The rooster open one eye up real slow and
said, shhhhh, buzzards!

There was this really fat guy who was walking around this clinic and he saw a
sign on one of the doors that said, LOSE 30 lbs in 30 minutes! The guy
thought hmmm, what the hell, I'll try it. So he pays his money and goes in
and they lock the door behind him. He turn and looks around the room, and he
sees this fantastic looking blonde over in the corner completely nude except
for a sign on her neck that said, If you catch me, I'm yours! The guy chased
her for 15 minutes and banged her for the last 15 mins and sure enough he had
lost 30 lbs when he came out of the room. The guy went walking down the hall
and came to this room that had a sign on the door that said, LOSE 50 lbs in 15
minutes! The guy thought to himself that this must be the best looking girl
in the world so he hurriedly paid his money and went in and they locked the
door behind him. He turned around in anticipation and he saw in the corner an
8 foot tall gorilla with a 18 inch dick with a sign around his neck that said
If I catch YOU, you're MINE!

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage
counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but
they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and
you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."

The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him
half? My money?"

"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

"What about my furniture? I paid for that."

"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and
the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three
children?"

That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a
Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is
born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended
on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

There's another advantage in being poor. The doctor will cure you faster.

"His doctor told him he was in as good shape as a man of 60, but the trouble
was he was only 45."

"Oh, doctor," said the young lady, "will the scar show?"

"That, madam," said the doctor, "is entirely up to you."

Doctor: "Well, you are coughing with less exertion today!"

Patient: "That's not surprising, doctor, since I practiced that all night."

Gazing fondly at his attractive nurse, the hospital patient told the doctor.
"Wonderful nurse you've got here. One touch of her hand cooled my fever
instantly."

"I know," answered the doctor, "I could hear her slap clear to the end of the
corridor."

Secretary (on phone): "He's gone to Washington to get a government loan to pay
back what he borrowed from the bank to pay his income tax."

A bum helped a Scout across the road. When he got him to the other side. the
Scout said, "Here's something for a cup of coffee" as he pressed a small wad
of something into the bum's hand. It was a piece of sugar.

If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.

"May I have some stationery?" a man asked the hotel clerk.

"Are you a guest of the hotel?" asked the clerk.

"No, I'm paying sixty dollars a day," said the man.

Write something that will live forever--sign a house mortgage.

"You poor dear," said one. "I hope you were left with something."

"Oh, yes," said the widow, "Two hundred thousand dollars."

"Imagine that. And he couldn't even read or write."

The widow nodded earnestly and added, "Or swim."

Good evening ladies," Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating
bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr watson asked.

"No," Holmes replied,"I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we
just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes. how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand
and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small
pieces.

The prostitiute," he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole
thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed."But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

A woman was swimming in a lake nude when she noticed a boy and his younger
brother standing on the bank watching her.

She swam up to the bank and got a discarded old washtub that was laying on the
bank to cover herself and climbed out of the water.

She said, "What are you boys doing watching me like that? You two should be
ashamed of yourselves. And why are you smiling like that? Do you know what I
think?"

"Yes ma'am." the oldest said,"You think that bucket has a bottom in it."

A man and one of his buddies were working on a construction site. It was
almost lunch time and he pointed to the parking lot and said, "Look their goes
the boss. He always leaves fifteen of twenty minutes early and he is always
twenty minutes late getting back. If we leave when he does I can go home for
lunch."

When the boss was out of sight they left.

When he got home his bosses car was in the driveway. He walked up to the
house and looked in the window. He saw his boss and his wife on the couch in
a very compromising position. He eased back to his car and left.

He got back to the job about the same time his buddy did and his buddy
said, "This was a great idea. My wife said if she had known she would
have fixed me a good meal. I am going to do this again tomorrow. How about
you."

"Hell no!" the man said, "I almost got caught today."

Weary of the constant disorder in her son's room, a mother laid down the law:
For every item she had to pick up off the floor, they would have to pay her a
nickel.

At the end of a week, the boys owed her 65 cents. She received the money
promptly--along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom; keep up
the good work!"

Nowadays, when you tell a teenager to shift for himself, he thinks you're
going to buy him a sports car.

Do you know what caused your fainting spell?

Yes, my son asked for the keys to the garage and came out with the lawnmower.

A boy returned from 2 weeks at his first summer camp. He showed his mother
two ribbons that he had won: One for making improvement in swimming, the other
for naming the most birds on a nature hike. His mother asked him about a
third ribbon in his pocket. "Aw," he said, "I got that blue thing for having
the neatest packed bag when we were ready to come home." "I'm proud of you,"
his mother said.

"It was easy," replied the lad. "I never unpacked it."

When one beautiful gold-digger asked another why a girl of her age and talents
would marry a wealthy old man, she replied:

"Listen, if anyone offered you a check for $1,000,000, would you stop to look
at the date?"

By the time a man can afford to lose a golf ball, he can't hit that far.

Golf is a lot like taxes--you drive hard to get to the green and then wind up
in the hole.

One of the quickest ways to meet new people is to pick up the wrong ball on a
golf course.

Funny, isn't it? Men blame fate for other accidents, but feel personally
responsible when they make a hole in one.

I see where a Russian says he invented a game which closely resembles golf.

That must be the game my husband has been playing for years.

"I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,"
sighed Mac, the golfer.

"Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."

The ability to speak distinguishes us from the lower animals. What we say
frequently doesn't.

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

Tourist: A person who travels 1,000 miles to get a picture of himself standing
by his car.

The most efficient water power in the world is a child's tears.

"What did your teenage daughter do all summer?"

"Her hair and nails!"

Rubbing elbows with any individual will reveal things about that person
you never suspected. The same is true of rubbing fenders.

man who stand on toilet get high on pot.

man who screw in pantry get butt in jam.

woman pilot who fly upside down have crack up.

Some of these teenage singing groups--they look like they've cut more throats
than records.

The sum total of the world's debt is some total.

To get something done, a committee should consist of only three people, two
of whom are absent.

Children grow up so quickly. One day you look at your car's gas gauge showing
empty and realize they're teenagers.

"My son," the father was telling his neighbor, "wants to be `doing his thing.'
The trouble is, he doesn't have a thing to do."

A well-known American game hunter flew to New Guinea for some hunting. After
two weeks he was captured by a tribe of head shrinkers. They held him captive
for six months by which time everyone thought he was dead. Finally he managed
to escape and make his way to town. First thing he did was to call his wife
in California.

"Darling," she sobbed, "it's a miracle that you're alive. An absolute
miracle! How are you?"

"I'm all right," the hunter explained, "except that I have no clothes. Would
you please fly me some? I could use the following immediately: Three shirts
size 15«, socks size 11«. Shoes size lO C, and oh yes, I can use a hat here to
protect my forehead."

"What size, Darling?"

"One and seven-eights."

A hunter from the city bagged a big buck deer. Just about that time, the game
warden arrived and asked if the hunter had a hunting license. The hunter said
he didn't have a license, so the game warden had to take the hunter and the
deer to town.

The game warden helped the hunter drag the 300-pound deer out to the road--at
which point the hunter exclaimed, "I just remembered--I do have a deer license
after all."

The minister asked for anyone who knew a truly perfect person to stand up.
After a long pause a meek-looking fellow in the back stood.

"Do you really know a perfect person?" he was asked.

"Yes, Sir, I do," answered the little man.

"Would you please tell the congregation who this rare perfect person is?"

"Yes, Sir, my wife's first husband."

Gene: "They tell me your wife is outspoken."

Jewell: "By whom?"

A couple lived together for sixty years without a single argument--they shared
the same hearing aid.

"My husband didn't leave a bit of insurance."

"Then where did you get that gorgeous diamond ring?" "Well, he left a
thousand dollars for a casket and five thousand dollars for a stone. This is
the stone."

Three fellows were out hunting and they weren't having much luck so they
decided to split up. That way they could cover more ground. If anyone found
any tracks they would fire a shot in the air and the others would come to help
out.

Some time later the first hunter came across some tracks and fired a shot in
the air. The second hunter came running up and said "Wha da ya got?"

"Deer tracks" replied the first hunter. "Those aren't deer tracks, those are
bear tracks" contradicted the second hunter. The two of them got into quite
an argument about the tracks and couldn't resolve it.

They decided to let the third hunter decide what kind of tracks they were. He
came running up but before they could ask him the train ran them over.

My dentist told me he had good news and had news. I said, "Give me the bad
news first. Maybe the good news will cheer me up."

"Well, you need a root canal," he started, "and complete lower bridgework.
It's going to cost about $3,000."

"Ouch!" I exclaimed. "What's the good news?"

"The good news," he beamed, "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday."

I think I know the cheapest guy in the world. It was the first time I ever
saw anyone make their own paper clips.

A retail manager quit his job and joined the police force. A while later a
friend asked him how he had adjusted to the different demands of his new
job. "The part I like best," he responded, "is that the customer is always
wrong!''

DEVICE=COLDBEER.CAN

Groucho was questioning a contestant couple on "You Bet Your Life" on live
national television.

"You have any children?" Groucho asked the husband.

"We have six children, Groucho," was the reply.
Groucho looked at the camera for a moment. "Why do you have so many kids?"

"I love my wife," he said.

"I love my cigar, too," said Groucho, "but I take it out once in a while."

What kind of bird brings little white babies?

--The stork.

And what kind of bird brings little black babies?

--The crow.

And what kind of bird brings no babies at all?

--The swallow.

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever think about is
baseball.

I told her she's way off base.

One afternoon Stan "The Man" Musial was having a field day against Chicago's
pitcher, Bobo Newsom. Stan slammed a single, then a triple, then a homer.
When Stan came up to bat for the fourth time, the Chicago manager decided to
yank Bobo and take a chance on his rookie relief pitcher. "Say," asked the
rookie as he took the ball from Bobo, "does this guy Musial have any
weakness?"

'Yeah," answered Bobo, "he can't hit doubles."

Friend: "Has your son's college education proved helpful since you took him
into the firm?"

Father: "Oh yes, whenever we have a conference, we let him mix the cocktails."

Friend: You look all broken Up."

College student: "I wrote home for money for a study lamp."

Friend: "So what?"

College student: "They sent the lamp."

"How come your son is doing so well in COLLEGE"

"Well, wine makes him sick, he's afraid of women, he hates to play games, he's
allergic to the sun, and he can't sing, so he just stays home and studies."

TO: All Employees

Re: Force Management Plan

As a result workers the workers in money budgeted to departmental areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under the Plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retire-ment, thus
permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year (via retirement) will be placed into effect workers. This program
will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs
outside the workers. Providing they are being RAPED, they can request a
review of their employment records before workers retirment takes place. This
phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired
Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may only be
RAPED once and SCREWED twice. However, the employee may be SHAFTED as many
times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Workers Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-
sum Income from Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered
benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be
RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy to assure that employees are well trained
through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). The company takes
pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. If an employee feels
she/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, please see your immediate
supervisor. Your supervisor is specifically trained to make sure you receive
all the SHIT you can stand.

A group of people where standing around the county courthouse on a cold
morning. One of them said, "Man it's cold out here!". The others chimed in,
"How cold is it?". He replied, "Its so cold I just saw a lawyer with his
hands in his OWN pockets!"

The sailor rolls into the bar, proceeds to get tanked up, and then picks up a
hooker and takes her up to his hotel room. They get undressed and the sailor
unsteadily climbs aboard. After pumping away for a few minutes, the sailor
asks "How'm I doin?"

The hooker replies, "You're making three knots."

"Three knots," says the sailor. "What's that mean?"

"It means you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin your money
back!"

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a large
farm. He asked for and was given a tour. As he was shown through the barn,
the ventriloquist decided he'd have some fun. He proceeded to make one of the
horses talk. The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the
farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that little sheep
says anything about me, it's a damn lie!"

"How long are you in jail for, Jim?"

"Two weeks."

"What's the charge?"

"No charge, everything is free."

"I mean, what did you do?"

"Oh, I shot my wife."

"You killed your wife and only in jail for two weeks?"

"That's all - then I get hanged."

Night club patron (approvingly watching a gorgeous Latin go through
her torrid dance routine): "Lots of pepper!"
Friend: "Nice shaker, too!"

It happened in a teenage rock-n-roll joint. The waiter dropped a tray
of dishes and six couples got up to dance.

A mother took her three children into the ice cream parlor for an ice cream
cone. The man behind the counter asked, "Chocolate or vanilla?"

The mother asked, "Why don't you have more flavors?"

"Lady," he answered, "if you only knew how much time it takes some people to
make up their minds betweeen chocolate and vanilla, you'd never have another
flavor!"

I believe it was Yogi Berra who once said, "When you come to a fork in the
road, take it!"

Teddy Roosevelt had a little dog that was always getting into fights and
always getting licked.

Somebody said, "Colonel, he's not much of a fighter."

The colonel replied, "Oh, yes, he's a good fighter. He's just a poor judge of
dogs."

Some people get lost in thought because it's unfamiliar territory to them.

A weary minister returned home and explained to his wife that he had spent all
day trying to convince people that it was the duty of the rich to help the
poor.

"Were you successful?" his wife asked.

"Half successful," he answered. "I convinced the poor."

While gazing at dinosaur fossils in New Mexico, a tourist asked a guide how
old the bones were. "These happen to be one hundred million and three years
old," said the guide.

"How can you be so exact?" asked the tourist.

"Oh, I just have a good memory," replied the guide. "An archaeologist came
here and told me these bones were a hundred million years old, and that was
exactly three years ago."

Don't drink and drive. And with all the oil spills that have occurred
lately, don't swim and smoke.

What has eight legs and eight eyes?

Eight pirates.

I always had problems with my hair. Back in high school I was voted
most likely to recede.

1st man: I've been widowed three times. My first two wives died from eating
poison mushrooms.

2nd man: What did your third wife die from?

1st man: A cracked skull.

2nd Man: That's terrible!

1st man: Yeah, she wouldn't eat the mushrooms!

"Why is daddy swearing? Has he f**ked up again?"

The first time that he ever gave her a ride...Clarence Thomas took Anita out
in the country and stopped by the side of a lake to get acquainted just a bit
better and after chatting awhile reached over and took her hand and placed on
"Mr.Dong". Anita got real indignant, opened the car door and looked back at
him and said: "Judge Thomas, I've got only two words for you....Drop Dead!!!"
The judge says: "Anita, I've got just two words for you....LET GOOOOOOOO"

Speaking of firemen.....

The new fireman came home from his first 4 day shift on the job and his wife
was asking how he liked it. He told her how glad he was to be a fireman and
how impressed he was with their system at the fire house using bells. She
asked him what he meant..

"Well, at the sound of the first bell, we all get out of bed; at the sound of
the second bell, we are all putting on our cloths; and at the sound of the
third bell, we are all sitting in the truck ready to drive to the fire."

Then he said, "you know, from now on when I come home, we could do that.
When you here the firsr bell, run for the bed room; on the second bell, take
off all your cloths; and at the third bell, jump in bed and be ready."

That evening, he was coming back from an errand and thought he would give it a
try... As he shut the front door, he called out "Bell one".

His wife took off for the bedroom. "Bell Two" Wife"s cloths are just
going ever which way. "Bell three" She jumps in bed and is lying there
with arms outstretched as he come into the room.

As he joins his wife and is reaching that moment that we all strive for, he
hears this feminine voice calling out, "Bell four!! Bell Four!!"

He says, "What is this, I didn't say anything about a fourth bell?"

She says, As a member of this fire house, I was calling for more hose...
you aren't anywhere near the fire!!"

Ted: "I started out on the theory that the world had an opening for me."

Fred: "And you found it?"

Ted: "Well, kinda, I'm in the hole now."

Sympathizer: "Tell me, friend, how did you ever get yourself into such
destitute circumstances?"

Derelict: "Well, when I had the world by the tail, I let go to reach for the
moon."

Running into debt isn't so bad. It's running into creditors that hurts.

The installment collector came around to remind Joe he was seven payments
behind on his piano. "Well," replied Joe, "the company advertises 'pay as
you play'--and I play very poorly."

"I don't see why you haggled so with the tailor about the price - you'll never
pay his bill, anyhow," said Pat to Mike.

"Yes, but, you see, I'm conscientious. I don't want the poor fellow to lose
more than is necessary."

The butcher confronted the customer with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, madam,
but I can't give you further credit. Your bill is bigger now than it should
be."

"I'm aware of that," the woman exclaimed. "If you'll make it out for what it
should be, I'll pay it."

What is the difference between a sweater-girl and a sewing machine?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

We have good news and we have bad news. First, the bad news: We're being
invaded by Martians. And now, the good news: They eat politicians and pee
gasoline.

My favorite football team got off to a bad start, and it never got any
better. When the players finally won their first game and carried the coach
off the field, they fumbled him.

I was a 97-pound weakling, and bullies would always kick sand in my face.
Eventually I decided to get even. I kicked sand in the face of an 87 pound
weakling.

April 1 is the day we remind ourselves of what we are on the other three
hundred and sixty-four.

April is one of the most dangerous months for the stock market. The
others are January, September, November, March, August, July,
February, December, June, May, and October.

I'm not too sure about the latest ideas for cutting military spending.
It just doesn't seem like a good idea to use coin-operated guns.

A lot of people think hospital costs are rising too fast. Actually, I think
they're trying to conserve. If you don't believe it, just look at the
hospital gowns they give you to wear.

Hotels are cutting down, too. The Bible in my room only had seven
Commandments.

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were
overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying
apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices.
We have found that the second notices are more effective."

A merchant tried for many months to collect an overdue bill, but with no
success. Finally, he sent a tear-jerking letter accompanied by a picture of
his little daughter. Under it he wrote, "The reason I need the money."

By return mail came a photo of a voluptuous blonde in a bikini bathing suit.
It was captioned, "The reason I can't pay."

A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise.
A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this
curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up
and walks over to the proprietor.

"How much for this?", he asks.

"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it
before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor.

"Why?"

"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."

The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He
walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down
a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around,
he sees two rats following him down the path.

"That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster.

A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen
rats following him! He begins to break into a trot.

Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he
can.

After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks
over his shoulder...

Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him!

Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on
him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the
waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into
the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown!

The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to
find him empty-handed.

"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires.

"No, I've got just one question. Do you have one which is shaped like a
lawyer?"

What did Clarence Thomas say to Ted Kennedy?

"At least I bring 'em back alive!"

What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in a fight; it's the size
of the fight in the dog.

Girl: What happens if I get pregnant?

Kennedy: We'll cross that BRIDGE when we get to it!

A young fellow arrived in New York harbor from Ireland, an immigrant to our
country. A short time later, he started across one of those busy New York
streets against the light. And one of New York's finest, a big policeman,
grabbed him and said, "Where did you think you're going?" "Well," he says,
"I'm only trying to get to the other side of the street there." Well, when
that New York policeman, Irish himself, heard that brogue, `Well," he said,
"now, lad, wait." He says, "You stay here until the light turns green, and
then you go to the other side of the street." "Aah," he says, "the light
turns green." Well, the light turned orange for just a few seconds, as it
does, and then turned green, and he started out across the street. He got
about fifteen feet out and he turned around, and he says, "They don't give
them Protestants much time, do they?"

Pretty girl: "May I try on that two-piece suit in the window?"

Store manager: "Go right ahead. It might help business."

"But why," demanded the puzzled judge of the burglar standing before, "did
you break into the same store three nights running?"

"Well, Judge, it's like this," was the reply. "I picked out a dress for my
wife and I had to change it twice."

Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally one of them jumped
up and yelled at the other: "What about the powerful interests that control
you?"

The other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this."

Woman, fishing: "Have you another cork, Dear? This one keeps sinking."

I just bought my wife a second car--a tow truck.

A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening and noticed that as
soon as they entered the door, his friend kissed his wife and told her how
pretty she looked. After dinner he complimented his wife on the food and
kissed her again.

"Do you always do that?" asked the visitor when they were alone.

"You bet I do," answered the man. "It helps keep our marriage a happy one."

The visitor was greatly impressed and decided to use the same procedure with
his own wife. That night he swept her into his arms when he got home and
kissed her warmly. "Sweetheart," he said, "you look wonderful tonight, and
I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful his wife looked at him in amazement,
then burst into tears.

"For Pete's sake," exclaimed the astonished man "what's the matter?"

"What a day this has been!" his wife answered. "First Johnny sprained his
ankle, then the washing machine broke down and flooded the basement, and now
you come home drunk!"

Two little fellows coming home from Sunday school were discussing the lesson.

"Say, do you believe all that about the devil?"

"No, don't let them kid you. It's just like Santa Claus, it's your old man."

The hydrogen bomb has made one great contribution to democracy. With it all
men are cremated equal.

The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him
where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and
at the end, the mourners wondering, too.

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife
helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the
scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife shook her head. "Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete
blocks."

Q. What does a blond name her pet zebra?

A. Spot

Q. How do you measure a blonde's IQ?

A. With a tire gauge.

Q. What goes "Vroom-Screech Vroom-Screech"?

A. A blonde driving through a flashing red light.

Q. What do you call an intelligent blond?

A. A Golden Retriever.

Q. Why do blondes wear pony tails?

A. To hide the valve stem.

Q. What do blondes and computers have in common?

A. You really don't appreciate them until they go down on you.

Q. What does a blond say after sex?

A. "Are you all on the same team?"

Q. What is a blondes mating call?

A. "Boy am I drunk!"

Q. Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?

A. So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.

Q. How do you get a blond to laugh on Friday?

A. Tell her a joke on Thursday.

Q. How can you tell if a blond has been using your computer?

A. There is white-out on the screen.

Q. Why did the blonde have square boobs?

A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

A nun asked a five-year-old what she wanted to be when she grew up.

I want to be a prostitute," the little girl answered.

The nun fainted dead away on the floor, and when she came to she found the
children gathered around her.

"I-I'm sorry," she floundered. She turned to the little girl again. "What did
you say you wanted to be?"

"A prostitute", she repeated.

Sitting up, the nun sighed, "Thank goodness. I thought you said
`Protestant.'"

One comedian hit the nail right on the thumb. Said he: "The world is changing.
Jews eat pork, Catholics eat meat on Friday, Methodists drink in front of each
other."

The world economy needs a big stimulus to get things going again.

Maybe Imelda Marcos will grow another foot.

My taxes are done by a very compassionate accountant. He's the only one I
know with a recovery room.

Being human, doctors are reluctant to make house calls where receipt of
payment is doubtful. Under these circumstances a physician diagnosed a
patient's illness on the phone. "There is nothing wrong with your uncle. I
have examined him thoroughly and I tell you he only thinks he's sick. He
thinks he's sick." A week later the doctor met the patient's nephew. "How's
your uncle?" he asked.

"Worse," said the relative. "Now he thinks he's dead."

Ambrose Bierce, in his 'Devil's Dictionary' defined a lawyer as 'one skilled
in circumventing the law'.

Did you hear about the Barister who dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?

A city slicker decides he has had enough of city life, and moves out to the
country. He gets settled and gets a job as a sheep herder. After quickly
making friends with the other sheep herders, he enjoys his new life, except
for the lack of female folk out there in the boonies.

One day, he asks one of the other sheep herders how they get along without
women. The other sheep herder tells him that there are no women to speak of
out there in the middle of nowhere, but they, ahem, "get along" with some of
the sheep whenever the need arises, especially on the weekends.

Shocked, he replies that there's no way he'd ever, uh, "date" a sheep, and
goes on his not-so-merry way.

One weekend, when all the other sheepherders are getting pretty loaded (and
horny), they, ah, take their "dates" for the evening behind the bushes and
make nice-nice to them. After every other sheep herder has his turn with his
"date", they all look to the city slicker and cheer him on.

Pretty loaded and horny himself, he listens to the cheers, ponders his lack of
any social life, and all of a sudden, making it with a sheep starts sounding
better and better. Finally, with all the encouragement he received, and his
hormones getting the better of him, he decides to "take the plunge".

He picks a sheep from the flock, escorts his "date" behind the bushes and does
his thing, much to his relief. When he comes out from behind the bushes, he
finds his fellow sheep herders laughing hysterically at him!

"What are you all laughing at me for?!?", he asks. "God Almighty! Did you
have to pick the ugliest sheep in the flock?", they cackle.

The difference between a mistress and a wife is the difference between day and
night.

A celebrated judge and an almost equally celebrated bishop were engaged in
friendly argument as to which of them had more power over their fellow men.

Explained the bishop: "After all, old man, you can only say to a man, `You be
hanged!' I can go very much further. I can say to a man, `You be damned!'"

The judge nodded, smilingly. "Ah, yes," he said. "But the difference is
that when I say to a man `You be hanged!'--he IS hanged."

Adolf Hitler was very much disturbed when a clairvoyant let it be known that
she could predict the exact day of the Fuhrer's death. Since her predictions
were always based on astrology and since Hitler himself was a believer in the
stars, he sent for the woman. After much divination the woman finally said
that the omens indicated no specific date for the passing of the Nazi leader,
other than that it would definitely take place on a Jewish holiday.

`"Which holiday?" Hitler demanded.

"I cannot be sure," said the astrologist.

"You've got to be sure," Hitler ordered, going off into one of his spastic
shrieks. "I demand that you be sure."

"What difference does it make?" shrugged the woman. "Any day on which you
die will be a Jewish holiday."

At a New England dog show, two elderly matrons, after looking over the various
breeds asked a young attendant, "Can you direct us to the Labradors?"

"Yes ma'am," replied the boy. "Straight down this aisle, and the second door
on the left."

An old lady kept asking the bus driver to tell her when they arrived at a
certain small town. She asked so often that finally the driver got nervous
and passed through the small town before he realized it. He apologized to the
other passengers, turned around, and drove back. Then he said to the old
lady:

"This is the town where you wanted to get out."

"Who wants to get out?" she answered.

The driver said: "You did."

"No," she said, "my daughter told me that when I pass through this town, I
should take my pills."

My wife sure is immature. Every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks my
boats.

"Hey, you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the
judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars. She went home in great anxiety
lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the
incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One
pullover, $25."

Harried motorist, teaching his wife to drive: "Go on green, stop on red,
careful on amber, and look out when I turn white."

During World War I, the London clubs extended courtesies to officers of
Dominion Forces, much to the annoyance of the retired field officers who were
accustomed to preempt the leather armchairs in the club library. One
afternoon, a colonial officer, slightly the worse for cocktails, entered the
library, tapped a grumpy old general on the shoulder and asked a question
using very vulgar language. The general dropped his newspaper, screwed his
monocle in his eye and looked the colonial up and down and said, "Go out that
door, turn left till you come to a corridor. Follow the corridor until you
come to a sign marked gentlemen . . . but don't let that deter you!"

Young lady: "Officer, a sailor came into my cabin last night."

Officer: "What do you expect in Second Class, lady, the Captain?"

Lawyer: "Why do you want a divorce?"

Disgruntled wife: "Because we have nothing in common. Why, we don't
even hate the same people."

Disillusioned wife: "I'd like to get a divorce. My husband and I just don't
get along."

Friend: "Why don't you sue on the grounds of incompatibility."

Wife: "I would if I could catch him at it."

Three guys pick up three girls and take them home. The next day the guys are
talking about there experiences.

The first said that he though his girl was a nurse, because before they
"started" she said, "now, this won't hurt a bit."

The second said that his girl must have been a teacher, because she said,
"now, we're going to keep doing this until we get it right."

The third said he must have gone home with a stewardess. The first two asked
him why. He replied, "because she said 'place this over your nose and mouth
and continue to breathe normally.'"

Q: Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San Francisco?

A: Because their balls show.

A guy goes into a bar (great beginning, huh?), orders a drink from the
bartender, and takes out of a brown paper bag this little guy. The little guy
makes a complete nuisance of himself, pinching the ladies, p*ssing in peoples'
drinks, cussing and swearing at all the guys, and so on.

After a few minutes, the bartender asks the guy, "Where'd you get that little
pain-in-the-*ss?". The guy starts telling "...and in return, he said that
he'd grant me one wish."

"So what did you wish for?"

"A twelve-inch pr*ck."

This guy has a habit of going into a bar and winning bets to get his night's
drinks. This one bartender gets sick and tired of supplying the guy with
drinks, no matter how hard to win the bet may seem, so he decides to not bet
with the guy when he comes in that night.

Later in the day, sure enough. The guy walks into the bar, all prepared to
win his night's drinks. The bartender tells him right off that he's not going
to bet with him anymore.
"Well, what if we play for money?", he asks. "No way!", says the bartender.
He talks with another guy, and calls out to the bartender, "Well, how 'bout if
we make it *really* interesting?", and smiled broadly.

The guy orders a shot of whiskey, pays for it, drinks it down, and plinks the
shot glass onto the bar. "I'll bet you $10 that you could blindfold me and
spin me around on this stool, and I'll p*ss into that shot glass and not miss
a drop!"

The bartender thinks about it and says that there's *no* way that the guy
could do what he proposed, and decided to take the bet.

He blindfolds the guy, spins him around on the stool, and, just as he
expected, the guy p*sses all over the whole bar, spraying each and every
person in the room, without a single drop going into the shot glass.

Naturally, the bartender starts laughing hysterically at the prospect of
winning his $10.

Taking off his blindfold, the guy joins in with the bartender in laughing
hysterically. Wiping away the tears from his eyes, the bartender stops
laughing long enough to ask the guy, "What are *you* laughing about? You just
lost $10!".

Composing himself, the guy answers, "I know. But I bet the guy in the corner
$20 that I could p*ss all over your bar, and that you'd love it!".

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down
in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a
stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove,
and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my
first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove
is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticably outraged and
stormed over to the door. The Doc flung the door open and yelled to
his nurse, "Dammit all!!! I said `a BUTT LIGHT'!!!"
^^^^
Dain bramage caused my peach imspediment.

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful
that people think you married her only for her beauty. And The
Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people
think you married her only for her money. And The Ideal Wife
should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis
ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

People felt sorry for the poor little Russian boy with his arms
full of newspapers. But Ivan held his head high with pride, for
after all, he did have a clutch of Tass.

Jesus saves - Gretzky scores on the rebound
" " - but Moses invests!
" " - Green Stamps.
" " - at the 1st National Savings Bank.

What do Marilyn Quayle and Marion Berry (mayor of Washington,
DC) have in common?

A: They both like to blow a little dope!

There's one behind every Zipper!

There once was a yellow toad. He was a very unhappy toad because he had
no friends. Thus, he consulted a magician, who was able to turn him
brown, except for his private parts. When queried, the magician said,
For that you must see the Wizard; I never have much luck with those."
On the way to see the Wizard, the toad encountered a pink elephant, who
was leaning against a rock and crying. "What's the matter?" asked the
toad. "I'm pink! That's what's the matter." said the elephant. "No
problem," said the toad, "just go see the magician." So the elephant
did, and the magician turned him grey - except, again, for his private
parts. "For that you must see the Wizard," said the magician. "How do
I find the Wizard?" asked the elephant.
"Simple," said the magician, "just follow the yellow-prick toad!"

As Ensigns in the Navy, Bill and Bob were assigned to the detail
that goes to the parents' house to break the sad news, in this case
that a son had been killed at sea in a plane crash. Bill was very
uncomfortable with the role, and is barely able to stammer through
these words:
"Mrs. Jones, ah, it's my sad duty to, um, inform you your son was
killed in the service of your country."
She breaks down in tears and moans, "Oh, I'll never be able to look
at him in his coffin."
And Bob says, "Oh, don't worry about that; it's no problem... They
didn't recover his body."

My comm port + Your comm port = wakawaka

What are you smiling about?

What's for dinner ?
Meatloaf
What about the vegitables ?
The're not home from school yet

Ronnie is now selling Contra-ceptives
A rope went into a bar where a sign prominently displayed proclaimed "NO
ROPES SERVED". "Can't you read the sign? It says 'NO ROPES SERVED',"
said the beertender.
Dejected, the rope went home and put on a disguise--dark glasses, heavy
overcoat, mussy hair. Back to the bar he went.
"Hey, I know you, you were in here before. You're a rope, and the sign
says .;.. well you know what it says. Now >O*U*T Truly down in the mouth now, the rope was at his wits' end. He went
home and cut off his ends and unraveled himself into his component
twiney parts, and tied himself up into a big half-hitch. He then
returned to the bar, tattered ends dragging, and draped himself over the
chair. "May I help you?" asked the barman. "Wait ... there's something
awfully familiar about you ... didn't I throw you outa here twice
already? Are you a rope?" "No," replied the rope, "I'm a frayed knot."

Bob, Don and Joe were lifelong friends. Suddenly one day Joe
disappeared. Everybody was helping Bob and Don find Joe, until Bob and
Don remembered that Joe had two assholes. "How do you know >that someone asked Bob. "Simple," he replied, "Every time we're with Joe,
somebody always says 'Here comes Joe with the two assholes.'"

Practice safe hex, type in surgical gloves.

I was watching Wizard of Oz the other day.. and it occured to me
that there was some major glitches in it.
Who in their right mind who keep a bucket of the stuff that meltys
them "Just laying around"
Think about it.. The Witch meltsz at the touch of water... SHE NEVER
HAD A BATH.. no wonder she was green and had no friends!

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie
a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
again. People think you are stupid.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and
people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and
you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very
nice.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing
incest.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They
think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are
Cancer people.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Oth
think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and
dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are
thieves.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optinistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendancy to
rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.

An elderly man walked into the church and took
a seat in a confessional.
"Father," he said, "I am making love twice a day
to an eighteen-year-old girl."
"Mr. Solomon, you're Jewish," the priest replied.
"Why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everyone!"

"Make it a double, Joe," the dejected man told the
bartender. "I just got the shock of my life. I
caught my wife srewing my best friend."
"Paul, that's awful. What did you do?"
"I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent
him to bed with no Kibbles N Bits."

William Safire's Rules for Writers:

Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viable alternatives.

Impure Mathematix
=================

Wherein it is related how that polygon of womanly virtue, young
Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that notorious villain
Curly Pi, and factored (oh, horrors!).

Once upon a time (1/t) pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a
field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large
matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an
absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her
brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that
morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this
condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way
amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all
sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor.
Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single
point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and
went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she
tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and
plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once
more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean
space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi,
was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear
coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was
she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw
Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could
see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was
bent on no good.

"ArcSinh!" she gasped.

"Ho, Ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have.
I can see your angles have lots of Secs."

"Oh, Sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my
brackets on."

"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "your fears
are purely imaginary."

"i, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."

"What order are you?" the brute demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated on."

"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely
convergent!"

"Come, come," said Curly. "Let's off to a decimal place I know
and I'll take you to the limit."

"Never!!" gasped Polly.

"Abscissa!!!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His
patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a natural
log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He
stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points
of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only
hope. She felt his hand tending toward her asymptotic limit. Her
convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's
radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated her by
parts. He integrated her by partial fractions. After he cofactored,
he performed Runge-Cutta on her. The complex beast even went all the
way around and did a coutour integration. Curly went on operating
until he had satisfied her hypothesis. Then, he exponentiated and
became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was
no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several
places. But, it was too late to differentiate now. As the months
went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she
went to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function
which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of our sad story is this:

"If you want to keep your expression convergent,
never allow them a single degree of freedom."

Don't overtax yourself.. it's the gov't's job

Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?
They're both f*cking close to water!

Women! You can't live with them..... pass the beer nuts...

Dyslexics have more fnu.

What's cheaper Beer Nuts or Deer Nuts?
Well... Beer Nuts are about $2.30 a can and Deer Nuts are just
under a buck....

Gilligan's Island is a documentary.

Can you believe it???
George Bush has been in office just 1 year and already they have
his wife's picture on the dollar bill!

This line will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

There were these two peanuts walking down the street and one was
assaulted.

The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl. She was
reciting her confession, and it was all too much for him. He told her to
come with him to his room. There, he place his arm around her.
"Did the young man do this to you?" he asked.
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.
"Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her.
"Did he do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said.
"Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt and
fingered her bush.
"Yes, Father, and worse."
By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl
down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he
asked,"Did he manage to do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl.
When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked,"He did this too,
and worse? My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?"
"Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me
gonorrhea."

Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a
famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups
and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other
sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.
One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he
exercised all day.
Stanley said,"Look, pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when
the right time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter,
and they knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were
released abruptly and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead
of all the others.
All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back
with all his migh. "Go back! Go Back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the
time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call
the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the
house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the
husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on
the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar" she whispered back, there ain't nothing in the whole
wide world could wake him up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you
and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?"
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out
of his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he
finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she
tapped him on the shouldeer nad beckoned him over again. Again he pulled
a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight
times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first
pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hiar, the husband awoke and muttered:
"Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for
Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

I heard that they were going to move Texas A&M to Canada.......
They say that it will raise the average IQ of both countries.

Square sun, square moon, square screen.

!elyauQ naD yb dekcatta neeb ev`I !pleH !pleH

During the long boring cycle of life, you only have 2 things to
worry about. You have to worry about being well, or being sick.
If you are well, you have nothing to worry about. If you are
sick, you have 2 things to worry about: If you are going to
get better, or if you are going to get worse. If you are
going to get better, you have nothing to worry about. If you
are going to get worse, you only have 2 things to worry about:
If you are going to live of if you're going to die. If you are
going to live, you have nothing to worry about. If you are going
to die, you only have 2 things to worry about: If you are
going to go to Heaven, or if you are going to go to Hell. If you
are going to go to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you are going to go to Hell, you will probably be so busy
shaking hands with friends that you will have nothing to worry
about.

What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a
Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman!

What's the difference between the Panama Canal and Za Za Gabor?
One's a Busy Ditch and the others a ......

"Mommy, mommy, I hate Jimmy's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's on your plate..."

"Mommy, mommy, I don't WANT to go to Europe!"
"Shut up and keep swimming..."

Little Eddie was bent over his desk when the teacher came up and
asked him, "Eddie, what are you doing?"
Eddie said, "I'm drawing a picture of God."
"But Eddie," the teacher said, "nobody knows what God looks like."
"They will when I get finished!"

Dolly Parton and Princess Di died, and both of them arrived at
the Pearly Gates simultaneously.
St. Peter told them, "Our computer is down right now, so we can
only take one person right now. You must show me which one of
you is best qualified to enter Heaven".
Dolly opened her blouse and said "How about *THESE*!?!"
"Oh, WOW!", said St. Peter, "that's really impressive". "Can you
compete with this?", he asked Lady Di.
Lady Di lifted up her skirt, squatted, and douched!
"OK, welcome to Heaven Lady Di!", said St. Peter.
Dolly was taken back aghast, "But what about *THESE*???", she
said.
St. Peter replied "Everyone knows a royal flush beats a pair."

Evangelists do more than lay people.

I married a nun; nun in the morning; nun at night...

Why did the chicken cross the road??
Too long to go around.....

What's red and white and scratches on the window?
Baby in the microwave.

Hear the one about two teanagers, about to make love in the back
seat of a car? The girl says "Will you respect me in the morning? Do you
Love me?" He answered " I'd like to tell you that you are the most
wonderful girl in the whole world, that I will respect you forever and
that I love you more than 10,000 sockeye salmon. I'd like to tell you
that... but..."

How Do You Spell Relief ?
F-A-R-T

How do you fit 10 dead babies in a shoe box?
La Machine!

How do you get them out?
With a straw!

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

"Mommy, mommy, I hate running around in the same circles!"
"Shut up, or I'll nail your OTHER foot to the floor!"

What's the key to survival in the Greek army?
Never leave your buddies' behind....

Why did the Chicken Cross the road?
Because he heard the Colonel does chicken Right!

Or why did the Chicken Cross the road?
To get away from the ethopian!

Honk if you're Horns Busted!

Great Beer Bellies are made not Born!

How do Aggies have Sex?
They Exchange underwear!

In Greece how do they seperate the Men from the Boy's?
With a Crowbar!

What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

Who do you put a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can watch it's expression.

do shovel(snow) while (driveway_not_clear);

*********************** BLACK *****************************
When I was born.............I was black.
When I grow up..............I'm black.
When I'm ill................I'm black.
When I go out in the sun....I'm black.
When I'm cold...............I'm black.
When I die..................I'm black.
But you -
When you're born.................You're pink,
When you grow up.................You're white.
When you're ill..................You're green.
When you go out in the sun.......You go red.
When you're cold.................You go blue.
When you die.....................You're purple.

AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL ME COLOURED.
------------------------------------------------------------
During the Vietnam war the government did a study on which ethnic group
was most often killed. After months of studying the government came
out with these results:

Ethnic Group Percent Killed
=============================================
Anglos 15%
Mexican 10%
Indian 20%
Black 55%
=============================================

The President was shocked at finding that blacks were being killed so
much more often. He asked Westmoreland why this was. Westmoreland
replied,' Well sir, when an enemy mortor streaks towards our trenches,
one of the men would yell 'In-coming! Get down' and all the blacks
would stand up and boogie'.

How do you make a dead baby float?...........
1 scoop dead baby 2 scoops ice cream

Why is a Newfie's piss yellow?
So that he knows if he is coming or going.

Farmer Brown got an irate call one night from Farmer Jones. "Brown,
your boy has been up here pissing in the snow!" Farmer Brown was
a bit surprised, but replied, "Well, how do you know it was him?"
Jones came back, "Because it's his name that's spelled out." Farmer
Brown was still not convinced anything was wrong. "Gee, Jones, I
don't see anything wrong with that." This really outraged Farmer
Jones. "Consarn it, Brown, don't you think I know my own
daughter's handwriting when I see it?"

Jeez if you love honkus

"Doctor, it's my husband -- I think he needs psychiatric help."
"Why, what seems to be the trouble?"
"Well, he pees in the swimming pool."
"Look, Mrs. Jones, EVERYONE pees in a swimming pool!"
"Yeah, but from the HIGH DIVE?!?"

Not tonight, Chekov, I have an earache.

_ /|
\`o.O' Thpfft
ч(___)ч
U

I once knew a medical man who loved frozen daiquiris. He was at a
bar one night drinking one when a piece of hickory-wood form the
ceiling fell into the glass. So I said that it was a hickory
daiquiri, doc!

A dentist was obsessed by dental floss! His obsession was so
great that he bought a roan horse to help him gather floss for
his growing collection. Another dentist became even more
compulsive and stole the horse!!, But the horse refused to help
the second dentist! Moral???

A stolen roan gathers no floss!

Do you mind if we dance wif yo dates....

Ditto this one:
"There are two sides to every divorce, mine and shitheads."

Liquor in the front and poker in the rear.

What's gross?
Running over a baby.
What's grosser than gross?
Skidding on it.
What's grossest of all?
Peeling him off the tire.

How do you stop five blacks from raping a white girl?
Throw em a basketball.

I don't want to say her men are young, but
they keep leaving their mittens behind.

His girl friend is so young she has a Fisher-Price vibrator.

At a busy military airport awhile ago, a small, single-seat jet
fighter was taxiing along an access strip prior to take off when it
came to an intersection. Also approaching this intersection from the
left was a huge C-5A, one of those cargo planes that carries armored
battalions complete with equipment.
You may have noticed that very few of these intersections have
red-lights; the fighter pilot, quite sure of the consequences of a
collision, radioed to the control tower:
"What are the intentions of the C-5A?"
At this point the front cargo doors of the C-5A began to swing open,
and a deep voice came over the air: "I'm going to eat you . . ."

What is smorplay?
That's what Smurfs do before they smuck.

What is the definition of EGG HEAD
That's what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humty Dumpty!!!!!

I have been smoking EZReader docs!

Care to see my Texas Standing Spitting Worm Little Girl?
WHAT!!
Here in my Box!
WHERE???????
In this Aquarium... I just cam from the Pet Store!

Hey Woman Want some Wrinkled Neck Bass?
I just caught it at the River.

One girl to another: Hey look a One Eyed Spitting Snake!
The other Girl: Reminds me of when I was a little Girl.
Other Girl : Why?
Girl: Daddy Had one just like it!
Other Girl: Really and did it hang on a tree also?

Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence

Arriving home early one afternoon, a man
found his wife lying naked in the bedroom.
Gazing around, he spotted a pair of bare feet
protruding from under the curtains.
"Who the h**l are you?" he yelled as he
whipped the curtains back.
"I'm from the Government," replied the quick-witted
man. "I'm a moth inspector."
"Oh, yeah? What are you doing stark-naked?"
"Oh, my God!" he exclaimed, glancing down.
"I'm too late."

What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.

Mikhail Gorbachev woke up one morning feeling
great. He walked to his window, saw the sun
coming up and crowed, "Good morning, sun!"
As he turned away, he was startled to hear a
great, booming voice say, "Good morning, Comrade.
Good morning to you and the great Union
of Soviet Socialist Republics."
Gorbachev quickly woke Raisa and his closest
aides, took them to the window and said, "Good
morning, Comrade sun."
Again the voice boomed, "Good morning,
Comrade. Good morning to you and to the rest
of the glorious party."
Gorbachev sat down to his day's work, convinced
he was destiny's child. Later, as the sun was
setting, he walked to the window and said,
"Good evening to you, Comrade sun." When no
response came, he repeated the salutation again
and again, growing increasingly impatient with
the silence. "Sun! I'm talking to you!" he
suddenly screamed.
"F**k you, a**h*le! the voice thundered back.
"I'm in the West now!"

What are three words you dread the most while making love?"
"Honey, I'm home."

On his honeymoon, an elderly man turned to
his young bride, complaining, "Darling, you're
gonna kill me. How can I tell if I'm having an
or**sm or a heart attack?"
"That's easy," she responded. "If you grab your
chest, it's a heart attack; if you grab mine, it's
an or**sm."

You know you're having a bad day when the
town nymphomaniac tells you she likes you, but
just as a friend.

As the woman was instructing the new maid on
the great care required in handling certain
valuable household objects, she pointed to the
dining room and said with obvious satisfaction,
"That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."
"Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My
whole living-room set goes back to Sears the
fifteenth."

An attractive woman walked into an elevator in
a Manhattan office building and found herself
alone with Donald Trump. As the elevator began
to rise, she turned to him and said, "You know,
Mr. Trump, if I push this red button, the elevator
will stop and I could kneel down and give you the
best d*mn b**w job you've ever had."
"I'm sure you could," trump said, "but what's in
it for me?"

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Why was the beer cold?
-Cuz it was in the fridge.

YES ____________ NO
-------------|Does it work|------
____ |__ _ -------------- |
|Don't mess| _______|____
| with it | |Did you mess|
------------ | with it? |
--------------
--------- | |
|You dumb| y <--- ---| no
| knob! | _|____________
----|----- |Will you catch|
| | hell? |
_______ no ___________|________ ---|---------|--
|Hide it!|<-- |Did anyone see you??| | |
--|----- ------------|--------- | |no
| | yes |yes |
| | | |
| ____|____ | |
| ---------> |You poor |<--------------- |
| | |b*****d!!| ____|___
| | -------|--- |Can It!!|
| | | -----|----
| | | |
| | _____|_______ |
| | no |Can you blame| |
| ^---------< |someone else?| |
| --------|------ |
| |yes |
| | |
| | |
| ___________ |
-------------------> |NO PROBLEM!| <-------------------
-------------

What goes "Gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-GA!"?
A baby with a speech impetiment (sp?).

>What's gross?
>Running over a baby.
>What's grosser than gross?
>Skidding on it.
>What's grossest of all?
>Peeling him off the tire.
Even grosser yet: Taking it home as Road kill.

The teacher instructed the class to draw a picture from something in the
Bible. As she walked around the room, she noticed one child drawing a
picture of a car with 3 faces in it.
"What part of the bible is that from?" she asked.
"Oh, that's God driving Adam and Eve out of Eden".

"Dad! Dad! Was that Dale Murphy that hit that home run?"
"What do you care, Sheldon, you're blind."

What do you get when you cross a Centipede with a Turkey?
I don't know wither but at thanksgiving Everyone got a Leg!

Why did the chicken cross the road??
It was to see his psychiatrist (who lived on the other side)
to learn what deep inner compulsion made him keep crossing
the road...

I have a mind like a steel sieve

"So -- they tell me you program in foreign languages! Can
you program in Spanish?"
"C".

What do you call a smurf with his pants down???
A blue moon...

Is that Murphy perched on my shoulder??

Jack + Jill are married and love each other.
Jack from time to time thinks Jill has affairs
with Tom, Dick, or Harry, but he is wrong.
Jack's best friend is John.
John's wife leaves him, and Jack invites John
to stay with him + Jill.
While Jill is consoling John, John fu*ks Jill.
Jill thus discovers that Jack can't trust John.
Enraged at John's betrayal of Jack,
Jill tells Jack he can't trust John, but not why.
Jack feels Jill is jealous of John + him + is trying
to break up their friendship.
Jack leaves Jill
Jack + John go off together.

Have you heard the three biggest lies?
1. I'll respect you in the morning.
2. The cheque is in the mail.
3. I will not come in your mouth.

A man and a woman were pulled over by a state trooper.
Trooper: "You wer doing 75 MPH."
Man: "No, I wasn't, I wass only going 55 MPH".
Trooper: "75!"
Man: "55!"
Trooper: "75!"
Man: "55!"
Trooper: "Hey, lady, he was doing 75, right?"
Woman: "Oh, officer, I learned years ago not to argue with him when
he's drunk!"

Use tact........you fathead!

A fate worse than death: To be married alive

Four women were sitting around talking.
First woman says, "My son, he wears a black skull cap
and black cossack. When he walks into a room all the people
get up and say, 'Oh, my Father!'".
Second woman says, "So? My son, he wears a red skull
cap and red cossack. When he walks into a room all the
people get up and say, 'Oh, my Reverence!'".
Third woman says, "Ach! My son, he wears a white skull
cap and white cossack. When he walks into a room all the
people get up and say, 'Oh, my Holiness!'".
The fourth woman says, "That's nothing. My son, he is
5'2" tall and 442 pounds. When he walks into a room all the
people get up and say, 'Oh, my GOD!'".

Why don't kids fight for custody of parents?

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four
to relate to the experience.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1:None of your damn business!
A2:50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
One to write the light bulb insertaion program, and
One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that
nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The
true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how
good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to
dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which
10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left
blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------
consists of sequences of non-blank characters seperated by
blanks".

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to
shoot the witness.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on
payment of license fee.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get
it done.

Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2:None of your damn business!

Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to
do it.

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would
screw itself in.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q: How many strong bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better
it is than with a man.

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.

Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!

Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give
it a suprising twist at the end.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light
bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of
subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity
reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?

Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.

Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy
dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist
dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask,
masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak
up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture,
remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-
high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has
driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's
real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck,
drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how
to do it.

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
him.

To whom should I go to for some self-help?

When Alexander The Great was waging war on the entire
known world of his time, it chanced that he recieved a
slight spear-wound on his wrist. Wrapping an old cloth
around it, he continued the battle. After victory was
his, one of his aides noticed that the dried blood on the
rag around Alexander The Great's wrist was lining up on
it in such a way that if one looked at it in the light
of the sun it resembled a sundial; and you could tell the
correct time! So they called it: Alexander's
Rag-Time-Band.

A Short History Of Humbugs
Humbugs are an old and noble family, honorable to the
core- Insecticus Humbugium, if I may use the Latin. They
fought in the crusades with Richard the Lion Heart, crossed
the Atlantic with Columbus, blazed trails with the pioneers,
and today many members of the family hold prominent
government positions throughout the world. History is full
of Humbugs.

Do artificial plants need artificial water?

Women! You can't live with them.....can't deep fry 'em.

There was this little kid in grade 2 whose name was Johnny.
He went to school with grade 2's. (!) Anyway, every Monday,
after school the teacher would ask the student's in Johnny's
class some trivia questions; if they answered the questions
correctly, the teacher promised them that they wouldn't have
to go to school for the rest of the week.
One Monday, the teacher asked the students:
"What is the chemical symbol for Potassium"
Since the kids were only in gr. 2, they didn't even
know what potassium was. The next Monday, the teacher asked:
"In what year did Mt. St. Helen's first explode?"
Of course, the students didn't answer. Johnny was
getting kind of peeved with these kind of questions. The
next Monday, Johnny brought a pair black squash balls
to school with him. Just as the teacher was about to ask
the weekly question, Johnny rolled the marbles toward the
front of the room. The teacher, not seeing him, got agitated
and said "Alright, whose the comedian with the 2 black
balls?"
Johnny, just a-laughing answered "Bill Cosby, See ya
next week!"

There were these 3 guys driving back to Toronto, Ontario who
were visiting some friends in Terrace B.C. As they
approached Red Deer, Alberta, their car all of a sudden
broke down. Luckily, they were near a house, situated on
a great big farm. They rapped on the house door. A
big, scruffy looking farmer answered it; "Yeah, what could
I do for you boys?"
The first guy told them about their car, and wondered
if he could possibly give them a hand.
"Well, it's too d*amn late out, I s'pose you could
stay the night here, on the grounds that you keep yer
paws off my wife and daughter. You folks stay in the
basement. If you need help, we'll be upstairs."
Gratefully, the guys accepted.
At around one o'clock, the first guy though 'What the
hell,' and decided to check out the daughter. He slipped out
of the bed, and headed upstairs- the stairs, however,
creaked as walked up. The first guy heard the sound of a
shotgun being loaded and a gruff voice - "Who the
hellizat?!" The first guy had to think fast!
"Meow- Meow"
"A whew, just the cat" the farmer said. The first guy went
back to bed.
About an hour later, the second guy decided to check
out the daughter- He did what the first guy did, the farmer
pulled out his shotgun- "Who the hellizat?!" - "Meow-Meow"
"Whew, just the cat" and the second guy returned to bed.
The third guy, not as intelligent as the rest, decided
to check out the daughter. He climbed up the stairs, it
creaked, and suddenly he heard the sound of a shotgun being
loaded- "Who in the hell is that?!"
The third guy had to think fast!
"It's the Cat!!"

Let's say you were trapped inside this room. Inside this room
were 2 doors, and 2 caged talking - tigers. One of the
doors was an exit into the paradise. The other was an
exit into a bottomless pit- (In other words, if you opened
this door, you'd fall until your insides get ripped apart by
the G-forces- actually you'd still fall- Anyway...)
Since these tigers talked, you could ask them questions.
Actually, you could ask one question (to either Tiger) because
if you asked more than one, both cages would disentegrate, and
the Tigers would devour you. Anyway, one of the tigers
always told theh truth. One always told a lie.
How would you go about getting safely out of the room?

I'm reminded of a letter some poor professor wrote to Playboy about his
inability to get vanity plates with the initials of his college on them.
The man taught at the Tennessee Institute of Technology and honestly
never gave the initials a second thought. When told by DMV that the
initials were obscene, he started a market in monogramed tee shirts and
ties (The ties said T.I.T. and the tee shirts for the ladies said "I
like a T.I.T. man!)

I was in the city the other day, when a drunk came up to me and
said "for $10 I'll teach you to talk like an Indian!
I said "how?"
He said, "see, you're learning already"

I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious.

"Mrs. Jones, can Billy come out and play baseball with us?"
"Johnny you know Billy can't play baseball he was born with
no arms or legs."
"That's O.K. we want to use him as second base."

A really stupid man walks into a drug store and says he wants
to buy a condom. The druggist says, "Fine. That'll be $1.10."
"$1.10!?" says the man.
"Yes," the druggist says. "One dollar for the condom and ten
cents for the tax."
"Tacks?!!!" says the stupid man. "I thought you rolled them
on."

One day a big swarm of bees came through town. All of the bees swarmed
over to the Shell Gas Station except one, who went to the Esso station.
Moral: There's an Esso bee in every crowd.....

Hear about the Gay hacker in Australia who left his wife and went back
to Sydney???

Then there was that famous composer Bach, who, whenever
he worked away from home, developed a hearty appetite.
So every time he went on a trip he packed a huge lunch:
6 sandwiches, 3 apples, some cheese, and a selection of
cookies. This became known as a "Bach's Lunch."

When Billy Shakespeare went swimming one day he was
obsessed with the notion that gypsy moths had been
feeding on the back of his trunks! He asked a friend to
investigate and make a thorough search. The friend
replied, "No holes, bard."

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Have you heard the one about the tribe of Basques who lived
in this valley? They heard that barbarian hoards were
approaching, so they decided to lay a trap. They all waited
in the hills at the entrance to the valley. When the
barbarians passed by, they descended on them.
Unfortunately, the barbarians had a lot more experience at
warfare than the Basques did, and the Basques got
slaughtered. The moral: Don't put all your Basques in one
exit.

Cheer up! Yesterday won't matter tomorrow.

Benny was very lonely.One day a Genie appeared to him
and said:"Benny,I will send you the girl of your dreams-
My only command to you is that you grow a long beard,and
never shave it off" Well,Benny was overjoyed and soon
was as happy as can be!For many years this happiness
continued;but one day Benny thought to himself:"it's
been so long,it will be OK if I shave now".So Benny
shaved off his beard;and an hour later was struck by
lightning and burned to death.What is the moral of this
story? A Benny shaved is a Benny burned!!!!

I want what money can't buy -- more money.

Ther once was a woman from Sidney..
Who said she could take one to the Kidney...
Along came a man from Quebec
and gave her one to the neck.

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candle stick.
Great BALLS of fire!!!!!!! OOOuch!!

The was a man from Nantucket
Who had one so long he could suck it.
So he said with a grin, as he wiped his chin
If my ear were a C--t I would F--k it...

What does a balloon and a virgin have in common?
-One prick and its gone.

Two guys were drinking in a bar. The second guy says to the first
guy "You want to see something amazing?" and pulls out of his
pocket a miniature piano. The first guy says "What is so amazing
about that?" The second guy then reaches down and brings up a
little man, puts him at the piano, and the little man starts
playing. The first guy, amazed at what he saw asked "Where did
you get that?" The second gut said, "I was walking along the
beach when I found this bottle. When I rubbed it this genie came
out and said I could have one wish. Apparently he was hard of
hearing because he gave me a 12-inch pianist."

two guys walk into a bar - one is very handsome, and obviously
quite well off; the other is loud, obnoxious and a general jerk
to everyone he encounters.
the bartender asks the first man - "What are you hanging
around with HIM for?"
the man replies, "well - i found this bottle on the beach;
when i opened it, a genie appeared and said he'd grant me three
wishes.
"my first wish was to be the best looking man in the world.
and now i am.
"my second wish was to be the richest man in the world. now i
lend Michael Jackson money.
"my third wish was to have the world's biggest prick; that's
when HE showed up..."

What do you call 2 skunks doing " 69 " ?
Odor eaters......

There was a woman who loved the game show Jeopardy and she
watched it every night. While it was on one night her husband
was in the kitchen making tea and he dropped the pot on his foot
and yelled "Jesus Christ". From the other room his wife yelled
back "Who is the son of God?"

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і No puns today please! і
АДДДДДДВДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДЩ
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Cows - a bovine experience.

Great big gobs of greasy, grimey, gopher's guts,
Mutilated monkey meat,
Little birdies dirty feet.
Great big gobs of greasy grimey gopher's guts,
And I forgot my spoon!

Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian

"Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock."

Hear about the man who was half Japanese and half Negro?
Every December 7th he attacks Pearl Bailey!

I met this girl last night, she was half French, and half
Chinese.
When I took her home, she ate my laundry!

2B|^2B Message about Shakespeare
(-_-) Secret smile
<{:-)} Message in a bottle...
<:-)<<| Message from a space rocket...
(:-... Heart-breaking message...
<<<<(:-) Message from a hat sales-man...
(:>-< Message from a thief: hands up!

The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother
about life. "Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've
got to withstand storms, drought, wind, animals--not to
mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if you don't give up,
you'll thrive and grow." "Life certainly is a gamble,"
agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you
haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?" "As in any
other gamble," said Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a
head!"

I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the
south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches
them, skins them, and makes men's wallets out of the skins.
He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting.

Speaking of Spiney Norman, a Hedgehog:
Not many people are aware that he doesn't work alone; much of the
time he is accompanied by Celeste, a giant shark. I didn't
realize it myself until I spent a vacation in the islands.
Unfortunately I happened to pick a time when the two of them were
terrorizing the countryside.
One day I went down to the beach prepared to do some jogging and
maybe ride the waves when I noticed this palm tree at the shore
had been almost completely devoured by some giant creature. I
asked a native whether the tree had been destroyed by Norman or
Celste and he asked me why I cared. My response was "If Norman
ate it I will not run, if Celeste did I will not surf".

And of course you heard about the Pole and the Czech who
went hunting...
The rangers had warned them about the bears, but they felt
they were well enough equipped. So when the two were two
days late the rangers went into the forest to find them.
Their campsite was a shambles, but no sign could be found of
the two hunters; but from the behavior of a couple of bears
in the neighborhood, the rangers were sure they knew what
had happened. They shot the bears, and cut them open. They
found the remains of the Pole in the female.
The Czech was in the male.

There was a girl from Dung-D
Who got raped by an ape in a tree.
The results were most horrid,
all ass and no forehead,
3 balls an a purple gautee...

There once was a Lady from Whealing.
Who had a Very Particular Feeling.
She'd Lay on he Back.
And Piddle with he Crack.
And Pee All over the cieling

I know what I believe in. I believe I'll have another beer.

Sticker: ' I'm not as stoned as you think I am! '
Sticker: ' If you're a real Canadian, show me your beaver! '
Sticker: ' There are no good losers- just good actors. '

For the grand opening of a super-de-luxe deli in Vegas,
the proud owner stopped at nothing to shout the news
about! He even hired two ping-pong players to play on a
table in front of the new deli. Since it WAS a deli,
the players used pickles instead of balls, and the
crowd cheered wildly as the pickles were batted back
and forth across the net. They called it, of course,
"The Volley of the Dills."

When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble
selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of
making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go
around the country installing lights in different towns in
order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison
stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights
in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian
chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he
could see what he was doing at night. This made him the
first man to wire a head for a reservation!

There once was a woman from Sydney
Who could take it in up to her kidney
But a man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck
He had a big one, didn't he?

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But Jack was slow
And Jack wasn't quick
Jack caught fire and burnt his pants.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be!

Harry Sharp finally developed a way to clone human beings. To test it,
he made a duplicate of himself, and took the duplicate before a board of
peers. However, Harry's system had some bugs. At the review, Harry,
asked his duplicate to recite the method of cloning for the board, upon
which the duplicate recited the most foul string of obscenities ever
heard. Haarry was aghast, and struck the duplicate, causing it to fall
to it's death from the 5th floor room they were in. Harry was arrested
and charged with making an obscene clone fall.

Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for sunken
treasure, but had had no luck. One day, while wading back onto the
beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and
emeralds! Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, "Well it
just goes to show you that booty is only shin deep!"

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

How do frogs die? Ker-mit suicide

One evening, a little boy greets his father after work, and
notices a condom fall out of the pocket as the man takes off his
coat. Dear old dad doesn't notice until the child opens the
packet and examines the device close-up.
"Daddy, what's this for?" he asks innocently.
"Er, um, that's to keep my cigarettes dry when it's raining
out! Yeah." The boy is satisfied with the explanation and goes
about his buisness.
A week goes by, and the kid remembers that tomorrow is his
father's birthday. He scrimps up as much change as he can and
heads for the Five & Ten shop, looking for a gift. The first
thing he notices is a condom display rack. Excitedly, he
approaches a clerk.
"Miss, are those Trojans over there?" he asks excitedly.
"Um, yes they are, little boy..." the clerk answers unsurely.
"I wanna buy a box!" he proudly announces.
"Yes, of course. And what size will that be?"
"I don't care, as long as they're big enough to fit a Camel! "

How many women do you know that you CAN trust?!?!
One. She is not born yet and her mother is dead.

A bald guy was talking to a friend. He said his wife had
been kidding him that his bald head felt just like her
ass. The friend reached out and rubbed his head, nodded wisely
and said, "You know, she's right!"

For further information.. send $5.00..NOW!

Why does a computer and a woman have in common?
-You have to punch information into both of them.

Why do women have legs?
-So they don't leave a trail like a slug.

What's the purpose of a woman?
-Cat life-support system.

What's the first thing a gentleman does with his a-hole in the morning?
-Wakes her up and gets her to make coffee.

What's awesome, blonde, blue and red at the same time?
-My girlfriend watching me type this- AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

"Being Sexy Isn't Easy, but Someone's Gotta Do It!"

"There are some things I like about you, but I can't put my
fingers on them..."

"Being close to you truly warms my heart. Plus a few other
places I can't mention."

Go ask Alice when she's ten feet tall. I did.

I went fishing one day, just for the halibut.
All I caught was a haddock,
So I went home and took too many aspirins,
And then my herring got impaired.

It's not that I don't trust you ммм Or is it?

Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up
a fast food seafood restaurant??
one was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in
France????
Linoleum blown-apart.

"Get the point?," he said sharply!

How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
Take down its genes.

I used to make a lot of puns about autos.
Hood ever believe you'd get such mileage from them?
You could have fueled me!

I used to invite this gal to my apartment to help me make
hamburgers.
I called her my grille friend!

Hear about the woman that used a glass diaphragm?
She wanted a womb with a view.

You all know about the 2 Pollacks that went bear-hunting?
They saw a sign in the road that said "Bear Left", so they turned
around and went home...

There was a man who painted rabbits all over his bald head
Claimed they looked like hares from a distance.

WARNING! SAFESEX.ZIP is a Trojan

Up at Dartmouth, there's a biologist experimenting with
changing the behavior patterns of rodents. When asked about
his work, he usually says he pulls habits out of rats.

A student at Boston University wavered for some time between
a career as a proctologist or a job as a barber. He eventually
flipped a coin to see how it came out; heads... or tails.

After his classroom had been remodeled, the college professor
was heard mooning about, missing the good old dais.

A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was
sporting a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door,
he replied he had been struck by the beauty of the place.

Similar story deals with the two Ukrainians (Canadian version
of Polack) who had hired on at the telephone company. The foreman sent
them out into the pole yard to see how high the poles stacked there
were. After they had been gone for 15 minutes, he went out to see
what was causing the delay. One of them was holding a pole upright
in his arms, while his parter was up the pole in his climbing irons,
with a measuring tape in has hands. "What the hell are you two doing?
he asked. "Measure them on the ground!" The guy holding the pole turned
and said, "You said measure how high, not how long!"

Two Ukrainians went hunting. One accidentally shot the other. The
shootee rushed the shot to the hospital and watched while they
wheeled his friend into the O.R. Ten minutes later the doctor
came out peeling off is gloves and shaking his head. Our friend
Worriedly asked, "He not make it Doctor?" The doctor said his
friend was dead. "Anything I should of done?" asked the shooter.
"Well," replied the doctor, "if that ever happens to you again,
for goodness sake, don't gut him!"

Did ya hear about the distraught Polish secretary? She thought her
typewriter was pregnant because it kept missing periods....

Bumper stickers on taxis: Kamakazis do it once.
Urban Assult Vehicle.

Signs with one letter missing:
At a car wash - "_OUCHLESS CAR WASH SYSTEM"
At a Wendy's - "NOW HIRING FULL TIME _LOSERS"

Other signs:
On an asphalt truck - "LET US FILL YOUR CRACK"
At an office - "ACE EXTERMINATING - WE KILL BUGS DEAD
WALK-IN'S WELCOME"
At a muffler shop - "NO MUFF TOO TOUGH FOR US"
At a garden shop - "WE NOW HAVE KRICKET KRAP"
On a gov't issue car - "FULTON COUNTY DISASTER COORDINATOR"

Groan
Groan
Groan
Groan
Groan
Groan
Start here ДДДДДДД> Groan

Won't you listen to a groan up - Please no more PUN-ishment.

So this sweet little old Jewish lady is walking down the street
when she's suddenly accosted by a flasher -- the man jumps in
front of her and whips open his coat!
The lady stops, peers forward intently, and sniffs "Hah! You
call that a LINING?!?"

Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser

Three old Ladies were walking down the stree when a Flasher came out and
Flashed them. The First old Lady had a Stroke and the Second old Lady
had a stroke but the Third old lady couldn't reach it!

A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the
kid next door bought an album also. "He buys every
stamp I do," the kid complained to his father, "and had
taken all the fun of it away." "Don't be a fool, my
boy," said pop. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest
form of philately."

What do you call a barber who cuts hair in a library?
A barbarian!!

A man went into a drug store and asked for some liniment.
"Walk this way" said the clerk. The man said: "If I could
walk that way, I wouldn't need the liniment"!

A man went into a drug store and asked the clerk: "Do you
have cotton balls?" "No you idiot!", said the clerk,
"What do you think I am, a rag doll?"!

"But I DO work in a pretzel factory", he thought in his
twisted mind! Oops!, sorry, I was miles away...

Definition of a "commentator" - an average potato.

My friend just fell in love with the head nurse at the hospital
where he is - I guess you can say that he's taken a turn for the
nurse!

And his brother the experimental Psychologist is still pulling
habits out of a rat.

Which reminds me of the dinner party I was at last night. It was
a candlelight affair; so when the hostess fell backwards onto the
table I shouted "You'll burn your end at both candles!"

And why couldn't the loutish baseball umpire have his little boy
sit in his lap?
Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire.

Long ago, Elmir the Curious sailed a small craft far away.
He sought the Elixir of Youth. It was said that a bush grew
somewhere along the river bank, the leaves of which, when
cooked for many hours, produced a substance which could ward
off the effects of age.
One afternoon he happened upon the bush!!!
He cooked two vials of a strange pungent substance, and
called all the elders of the city, explaining that he was
prepared to sell his Elixir of Youth.
How do we know it will work, they asked.
Elmir was incensed by these doubts. As they watched he drank
it all himself.
He never spoke of it again, though he lived for many years.
Many inquired, but his lips were sealed. You see, he had
invented Elmir's glue.

Hear about the Polacks shoes? They had TGIF on the top.
"Toes go in first"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A widow.
What are those strange marks? I typed in periods.

Jack: Dack says he's related to you, and he can prove it.
Mack: Dack's a fool.
Jack: Well, yes, but that could be a coincidence.

Don't blame me, I voted for Bill 'n' Opus!

Sally: I've lost my dog.
Allie: Why don't you put an ad in the paper?
Sally: That wouldn't help. My dog can't read.

Will: How much will it cost to take me to the train station?
Taxi driver: Five dollars, sir.
Will: How much will you charge to take my suitcase?
Taxi driver: There's no charge for the suitcase.
WIll: In that case, take the suitcase and I'll walk.

There was once a small snail who always dreamed of
becoming a race-car driver.One day he heard that an uncle of
his had died and left him some money!Now his dream could be
realized! He bought himself a car,souped it up, and then
painted a large red "S" on it. When he was at his first
race,a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big
red "S" on the car? Simple,the snail replied; when people
see my car go zooming down the,track I want them all to
exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw a sign for a doctor of Proctology in Columbia, MO, that said:
"Parking in Rear"

Q: Hear what Evil Kenevil's latest death defying stunt is going to be?
A: Walking across Newfoundland dressed as an Alter-boy.

What do you call a CAT who looks like yesterdays lunch?
BARFIELD..

Did you hear about the queer electron that used to go around
blowing fuses.

Incomplete Computer Glossary
============================
BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in 'Our son's
computer cost quite a bit.'
.
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much
time bragging about your computer skills.
.
BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer
screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine
companies do to you after getting your name on the mailing list.
.
CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid
having
to leave their computers for meals.
.
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much
time
at the computer and not enough time studying.
.
CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform
as in "You $#$%c% computer!"
.
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard
for seven hours at a clip.
.
DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you
install you computer.
.
ERROR: What you made the first time you went into a computer showroom
'just to look.'
.
EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house
your computer and all its peripherals.
.
FILE: What your secretary can do to her nails six and a half hours
a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
.
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to
la
*--* Qmodem Screen Dump 02/14/90 08:49:38
.
FILE: What your secretary can do to her nails six and a half hours
a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
.
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to
lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food. (See Chips).
.
HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes ano other heave equipment
you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
.
IBM: The kind of missile your family would like to drop on you so that
you'll pay attention to them again.
.
MENU: What you'll never see again after buying your computer, since
you'll be to poor to eat in a restaurant.
.
MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word
actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want
to see you hall pass at school.
.
PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television screen
before you hooked you computer up to it.
.
RAM: What you do the side of you computer when it's not working
properly.
.
RETURN: What lot of people do to their computers after only a week and
a half.
.
TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains, and really good
deals
on hot computers.
.
WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of when you accidentally erase
a program that took you three days to set up.

If ever I were punished
For every little pun I said
There wouldn't be a puny shread
left of my punnish head.

The Golden Buddha Chinese Restaurant not far from my house has a
sign that says "Additional Parking in Rear of Golden Buddha..."

Have you ever noticed that the dictionary is ALREADY in
alphabetical order?!?

He's dim, Jed!

An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle
determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to
appear only once in a hundred years. Not wanting to
frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark
until midnight when the apparition became visible. The
ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for
one snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into
his camera and took the picture. After dashing into his
studio, the photographer developed the negative and
groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank. The
spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

There was once a man who was shipwrecked on an
Island.The natives told him he could live there as long
as he liked,with the only rule being that if a certain
type of bird flies over the Island and shits on you,you
cannot wipe it off for 3 days,or terrible misfortunes
will befall you! Well,the man laughed to himself at this
silly native superstition and went about his
business.One day the bird (known by the natives as "the
Foo Bird")did happen to fly across the Island,and sure
enough!,shit on the man's head!Well,the man was
disgusted and wiped it off immediately,paying no heed to
the native's warnings. The next day he was swimming and
was eaten by a huge great white shark! What is the moral
of this story? If the Foo shits,wear it!!!!

Whats a 6.9?
a 69 interupted by a period!

There was a small frog who needed a loan to buy a new car.He
went in to see the loan officer, Mr.Patrick Whack. I'd like
to have a loan, the frog said timidly. The loan officer
said: "well,do you have any collateral?" "Well, said the
frog, all I have is this small charm, that has been in the
family for years, will it do?" The loan officer wasn't sure
so he went in to see the bank manager. "There is this small
frog outside who needs to buy a new car, and the only
collatteral he has is this"; and he handed the charm to the
bank manager. The bank manager looked at the charm and said:
"It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"

AS A MATTER OF FACT IT WAS BENCHLEY. PARKER'S OTHER CLASSIC LINE HAD TO
DO WHEN SHE AND A YOUNG ACTRESS ARRIVED AT A HOTEL DOOR AT THE SAME
TIME. THE ACTRESS HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR DOROTHY SAYING AGE BEFORE
BEAUTY , PARKER WENT THROUGH THE DOOR SAYING JUST LOUD ENOUGH FOR OTJERS
TO HEAR " AND PEARLS BEFORE SWINE......"

What's 11?
69 for worms!

Help save our trees. Eat a Beaver.

There was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing some broad by the sea.
Said the broad "Stop you plumbing,
There's somebody coming"
Said the Plumber, still plumbing,
"It's me!"

There was this high school graduate who brought his girlfriend home
for dinner one night. He thought he had enough time to make love
to her before his mother called him to dinner. When the mother
called her to dinner sooner that expected, the son
yelled "I'm coming!"

I know this couple who owns a flower shop. One day, shortly
after the shop closed, the husband brought a shapely young
hooker to the shop. The wife walked in unexpectedly, as she
had forgotten something. The husband was caught with his plants
down.

There was this enterprising hooker who had bought a bicycle. She
peddled it all over town.

You know them competing mega-businesses? The spy employees keep
slipping birth control pills into each other's XEROX machines
so they wouldn't reproduce.

She: Would you like one of my apples?
He: No, but I'm most interested in your pair.

When in trouble or in doubt - YELL!

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has
determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is
2 persons at a time - unless I install handrails or safety straps.
As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a
number and wait your turn.

a young man who was prematurely bald went to a barber for a trim. during
the course of the short haircut the young man asked if there was a
dependable hair restorer. the barber gave him the advice that
stimulation of the scalp was best accomplished by rubbing the scalp
against his wife's snatch three or four times a day for fifteen minutes
each 24 hour period. the man left and about one year later a hairy
monster comes into the barber shop and says, "hey there. remember me?"
the barber says,"pull the hair away so i can see your face."
the guy spreads the hair so his face can be seen and says," i am
the guy you told to rub my head on my wife's pussy to stimulate hair
growth. it really works good."
the barber twirled the tip of his 16 inch mustache between his
thumb and forefinger and answered, "you're telling me?"

My wife, who used to teach on faculty at Texas Tech University
tells a true story that occurred at a new-student orientation
one September. The student body President was addressing the
auditorium filled with bright-eyed students and their expectant
parents. The Prez paused in his talk with the announcement that
he had recently heard a good Aggie joke he wanted to share with
the group. At once, an offended parent stood up shouting, "Hey,
I'm an Aggie!" The Prez paused for a moment and replied: "Okay
for you, I'll tell it r e a l s l o o o w."

Three fags driving in a car, they stop at a red light and are
rammed by an 18 wheeler. the fag who's driving looks at the other
two and ask " Are you fellas alright?" The other fags hold his
neck and says " My neck is sore." So the fag who's driving gets
out of the car and walks bac to the truck, pounds on the door and
yells " My boyfriend is hurt, I hope you have good insurance!"
The truck driver rolls down the window and says "Suck my fucking
dick you faggot!" The fag races back to his car and says "We're
in luck fellas, he wants to settle out of court"

A farm boy was out behind the barn playing with his manhood, when
his father came around the corner and saw him. "What you doin
boy?" says the old man. "I donno" says the boy "but it feels
real good." The father says "Boy! don't you know bout
intercourse?". "Intercourse?" says the boy "what's that?". So
the father takes the boy in the house and says to his wife,
"Woman, take your clothes off and get on the floor, It's time we
showed Clem bout intercourse". He turns to the boy and says
"Boy, you see that hole on maw? Watch Paw". So paw proceeds to
mount Maw and go to town". About that time sis walked in and
exclaims "What they doin? They fighten?" Clem says "don't you
know nuttin? Thats intercourse". "Intercourse?" says sis "What's
that?" "Well I have ta learn ya" says clem as he takes off his
clothes. "Ya see that hole on Paw? Watch Clem"

Why did the WASP cross the road?
-- To get to the middle.

How can you tell a male WASP is sexually excited?
-- By the stiff upper lip.

What do you get when you cross a WASP and an orangutan?
-- I don't know... but whatever it is, it won't let
you in ITS cage!

Why do Polish people have such beautiful noses?
-- They're handpicked.

What's the definition of bad acne?
-- Waking up in the park with a blind man reading your face.

do you know how to tell which is the rich
Polack in an all polack neighborhood?
His is the house with the diving board on the septic tank.

I NEVER make misteaks

A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered
through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg!
This intrigued him so much he found the farmer and quizzed him
about it.
"This be no ordinary pig" said the farmer. "For example, only two
days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away
from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let
all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire
brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they
arrived!"
"And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill,
when I lost control and the vehicle overturned - knocking me
unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then
rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before
it set on fire."
The framer was just about to launch into another tale when the
man said "Yes yes, but what about the wooden leg?"
"Well" said the farmer "when you've got an pig as good as that,
you don't eat it all at once!"

"the Prime Minister's devious hand is afoot."

There was a math teacher named Paul
Who had a hexagonal ball.
The square of its weight.
And his pec*er plus eight.
Is his phone number. Give him a call.

WE were in Geology Class (About 300 people) and on Final Exam the
teacher called for the Exam Papers. Well 5 minutes later, sure enuff, a
Student Came Down with his Exam Paper and tried to turn it it. Well of
course the Teacher Said he couldn't Accept it! Well the student asked
the teacher "do you know me?" The teacher replied "No" And so the
student then lifted up the Stack of Exam Papers and insterted his Exam
and walked away.

The Abbot of the Monastery was very strict in his routine.
Each morning, he'd come out of his cell, go into the main
room where all the monks were sitting, and chant "Good
Morning." They would chant back "Good Morning." At the
evening meal, he'd enter the room and sing "Good Evening,"
and they would reply in kind. One morning, though, in
response to his greeting, he distinctly heard one monk sing
"Good Evening." Wondering if his ears were going, he sang
"Good Morning," only to hear the anomalous greeting again.
Looking about the room, he sang "Someone Chanted 'Evening.'"

After the third murder in as many months of residents
of the fourth floor of the dormitory, Sherlock Holmes was
called in the case. In each death the body of a student had
been discovered the next morning crushed and covered with
tire marks. "How did a car get onto the fourth floor?",
asked the baffled campus security police. "Have you
noticed", Holmes said, "that the deaths all occurred when
there was a full moon?". I believe that we are dealing with
that unhappy curse of modern technological society- the
descendent of the werewolf, the weremobile!!!" On the next
night that the moon was full, the Great Detective took
action. Every student that lived on the fourth floor was
locked in a separate room, along with an electronically
monitored five-gallon can of gasoline. Toward the middle of
the night the instruments showed the disappearance of the
gas in room 440, which was occupied by a Japanese-American
student named Nagawa. "He's pouring out the gas!", whispered
the security chief. "No!, he's drinking it," said Holmes.
Peering through the keyhole of room 440 they saw that the
student was no longer there, and in his place was a Japanese
compact car!!! The next morning Holmes confronted Nagawa.
"When the moon is full, you become an automobile, and you
run over your fellow students on the fourth floor." "But how
did you know?", gasped Nagawa. "Alimentary, my were-Datsun."

A man was shipwrecked on yet another island.He built
himself a grass and straw shelter and all was OK until a
flock of Terns flew onto the island. The terns started
pecking at his shelter,weakening it.This would not do,so the
usually gentle man started throwing stones at the terns;till
all flew away save one. Well,the man
figured that one tern could do no harm,so he didn't bother
to chase it away.The last tern kept pecking at the
shelter,till it fell in upon the sleeping man ,smothering
him.What is the moral of this story??? Never leave a
tern unstoned!!!

A man had a weird illness.Whenever he broke wind,it made
the sound"honda". He asked his doctor about it but the
doctor after months of tests and literature-reading,could
not figure it out.Finally,just before he was about to give
up,he has an idea!"I'll call Honda Company in Japan and ask
the company doctor!!" Well,he called the Japanese doctor and
was told by him to see if the patient had an abscess in his
teeth somewhere. Sure enough,there is,and when it was
treated the other affliction ended! When th e doctor asked
his Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great
diagnosis over the phone from such a long distance away the
man replied,simple: Abscess makes a fart go honda!!!

A man was cleaning out his attic, throwing out all the old junk, when
his friend Bill came over to see him. "Find anything decent up here?"
he asked. "Well, not much. Best thing I found was this old Bible,
written by some guy named Gutenberg. Ever seen one of these?" Bill
said, "That book is one of the most valuable books ever to exist!
There's only 13 of them known left! It's worth MILLIONS!" "Well,
mine can't be worth that much. Some ass named Martin Luther scribbled
all over it."

Comet - it tastes like listerine..
Comet - it makes your teeth turn green...
Comet - it makes you vomit...
So try Comet, and Vomit, today!!

Did you ever think as a hearse goes by,
That you might beeee the next to die.
They wrap you up in a nice clean sheet,
And throw you in about 6 feet deep.
Then all goes well for about a week,
Until the coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in..
The worms crawl out..
In your stomach and out your mouth..
They eat your fingers,
They eat your toes..
They eat the boogers right out of your nose...

'Twas the Pig Fair last September.
The day I well remember
I was walking up and down in drunken pride..
When My knees began to flutter,
So I sat down in the gutter..
When a Pig came up and lay down by my side.

As I was sitting in the gutter,
Thinking thoughts I could not utter..
I thought I heard a passing lady say:
"You can tell a man who boozes
By the company he chooses."
And with that the pig got up and walked away.

A computer?! Where?! Oh... you mean this?...

I used to work in a bank,but then I lost interest.
I used to be a lumberjack,but then I got the axe.
I used to be a carpenter,but then I got bored.
I used to be a tennis instructor,but it wasn't my racket.
I used to work for H + R Block,but it was too taxing.
I used to work for the Miller Beer company,but then I got canned.
I used to be a taxi driver,but I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a pimp,but then I got laid off.

In Japan many years ago and old farmer was tending the wheet
fields on the steep hillside above a small fishing settlement.
As he stood up to rest his back, he gazed out to sea. To his
horror saw a tsunami approaching; the people in the villiage
were, of course, unaware of the impending distruction and
death. The villiage was too far away for waving or hollering to
provide an effective alert. How was he to save the people? He
set fire to the villiage's wheet fields. The people down below
saw the flames and most rushed up to the high ground to
prevent the destruction of their crop and, thus avoided the tidal
wave that crushed the villiage.

AArree yyoouu sseeiinngg ddoouubbllee??

there was the guy driving along the highway at 40. A
chicken was keeping up with him and the chicken had three legs.
He increased speed to 60 and the chicken was still running
alongside. He then increased his speed to 80, and the chicken
sped up and cut across in front of him and went up a sideroad.
The guy was intrigued by all this, so turned around and drove
into the sideroad which ended in a farmer's yard. The farmer came
over to the car and asked if he could help. The motorist asked if
he had seen a three-legged chicken come through his yard. The
farmer said he had and, as a matter of fact, he and his sons had
bred the chickens to provide three drumsticks.
"How are they?" asked the motorist.
"Hell," replied the farmer, "WE don't know, we've never been able
to catch one of them!"

My favorite college joke is about the lad from the hills of
Kentucky who won a scholarship to MIT. In familiarizing himself
with the campus, he was walking across the quad and stopped an
upperclassman to ask, ""Scuse me, can you tell me whar the
liberry is at?" The upperclassman drew himself up to his full
height and haughtily told the lad he was attanding the most prestigious
engineering school in the world and that they prided themselevs
on being able to communicate properly as well. He said they NEVER
ended a sentence with a preposition and asked if the lad would
like to rephrase his question. The kid looked him up and down and
said, "Shore, can you tell me whar the liberry is at, a**hole."

What's the last thing that enters a fly's mind when he's hit
by a truck?
-His AssHole!

How many Californians does it take to screw a litebulb?
-None- they screw on beaches.

--HAVE YOU DRIVEN OVER A FORD LATELY?--

--YAMAHA's THE BEST - F*CK THE REST!--

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
-Cuz 7-8-9!

Mary had a litle lamb,
she also had a duck
She put them on the window sill
to see if they would FALL!

New NBA Rules effective next season:
When a team's score exceeds the opponent's by ten (10) points, add one
(1) white player.
When a team's score exceeds the opponent's by twenty (20) points, add
two (2) white players.
When a team's score trails the opponent by ten (10) points, the team may
then "Renege". Oh well, you spell it.......

A CHINESE PERSON IS HAVING DINNER WITH HIS JEWISH FRIEND. AS BOTH ARE
ABSORBED WITH THEIR MEAL, THE JEWISH FRIEND HAULS OFF AND BELTS HIS
CHINESE FRIEND, KNOCKING HIM TO THE FLOOR. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT??" "FOR
PEARL HARBOR", THE JEWISH FRIEND REPLIES....."BUT I'M CHINESE...THAT WAS
THE JAPANESE!!!." ..."CHINESE, JAPANESE...THEY'RE ALL ALIKE"
tHE DINNER GOES ON WHEN, SUDDENLY, THE CHINESE FRIEND KNOCKS HIS JEWISH
FRIEND TO THE FLOOR...."WHAT WAS THAT FOR????" ..."THE TITANIC"...."BUT
THE TITANTIC WAS SUNK BY AN ICEBERG"....."ICEBERG, GOLDBERG...THEY'RE
ALL ALIKE".....

A BILL TO REGULATE THE
HUNTING AND HARVESTING
OF ATTORNEYS

372.01 Any person with a valid Texas state rodent or
armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys
for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is
permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, how-
ever, prohibited.

372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor
vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being
driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a
motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the road-
side and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys
from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.

372.05 It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance", or
"Free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred
(100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on
Wednesday afternoons.

372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred
(200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country
clubs, brothels or hospitals.

372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not
necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.

372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a
reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accoun-
tant for the purpose of hunting attorneys

372.10 Bag Limits Per Day

Yellow Bellied sidewinders 2
Two-faced Tortfeasors 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators 3
Horn Rimmed cut-throats 2
Honest Attorneys PROTECTED (ENDANGERED SPECIES)

From: TDCAA Prosecutors Report, found in the chambers of Judge
Lopez, 108th Judicial District, Amarillo, Texas.

There's no skid marks before the lawyer
What do you have if you have 100 lawyers drowning in a lake?
A good start.

Ben Dover & C. Howett Fields, att'ys at law

Dead Puppies aren't much fun

LAWYER: One who is skilled at circumnavigation of the law.

My senior year - The best 5 years of my life.

Truth is just another misconception.

Please donate to help the Humour Impaired

°°±±ІІЫЫ IN STEREO WHERE AVAILABLE ЫЫІІ±±°°

what is black and white and has two eyes?
sammy davis and sandy duncan

A jewish man comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he has
herpes. She says Vahts dat? He didn't know either, so she looked
it up in the medical dictionary, and said, Don't vorry it's a
disease for the gentiles.

The doctor comes in with the results of the mans checkup and says,
I've got good news and bad news. The man says, give me the bad
news first. The doctor says, the bad news is you have AIDS. The
man says oh my god, what news could be good after hearing that?
The doctor says the good news is you also have Alzheimers, so
go home and forget about it.

Bush falls into a coma and awakes 3 years later. His advisors
explain he has been in a coma for 3 years, and Quayle took over.
Bush asks how Quayle is doing, and his advisors say, ok but
inflation is a bit high. Bush says, well I remember stamps
were 25 cents, how much do they cost now? His advisor says
500 yen.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
They got ELECTRICITY up there??

Gone Chopin, be Bach in a Minuet.

A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out
in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun
YOU."

A rooster clucks defiance-- but a lawyer. . .

A minister put a sign on his church:
If you're through with sin
Come in
Somebody scrawled on it in lipstick:
If you're not:
Call 447-8912

RES IPSA LOQUITUR, but not clearly.

Edlin is my best word processor.

Know why that guy killed 8 people in Jacksonville the other day?
He thought GMAC meant: Give
Me
A
Car

*** A UNION MANS DOG ***

Four workers were discussing how smart thier dogs were. The first
was an engineer, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog
was named "T-Square" and he told him to get some paper and draw a
square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named
"Slide Rule." He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back,
and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His
dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces
into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three
men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They
all turned to the Union Member and said "What can your dog do ?" The
Teamster member called his dog, whose name was "Coffee Break" and
said, "Show the fellows what you can do." "Coffee Break" went over
and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the
other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so,
filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for work-
man's compensation and left for home on sick leave.

A church near my old home has a series of signs along the road that
runs past it:
#1 This is a church.
#2 It has no steeple.
#3 Come on in.
#4 And meet its people.

A woman walks into her vets office with her poodle and sits
down next to a lady sitting with her great dane. They get to talking
and the great dane's owner asks the poodle's owner why they are there.
The poodle's owner explains that her dog is a male and he keeps trying
to f*ck her leg so she is getting him nutered.
The great dane's owner told her she knows just how she feels
as every time she bends over her dog gets on her ass and tries to
f*ck her.
Poodle owner> so are you getting him nuetered also?
Great Dane owner> No I'm getting his nails clipped.

Get your Modem runnin, Head out for the Highwaves!

I married a virgin; I can't stand criticism...

Where's the bow key to match my arrow keys?

Which reminds me of the line, What has an IQ of 20 and has 7 teeth??
Front row at a Willie Nelson concert!

I remember one good line from the three stooges where Moe, talking about some
famous pianist, say "This man is the best pianist in the country!", to
which Curly replies, "Oh yea, well how is he in the city?!"

"I think feminists have a point. I think there OUGHT to be a
'spokesperson'. I think there OUGHT to be a 'chairperson'. But
sometimes, they go to far. Thay want me to call that thing in
the street a 'personhole'. People would look up and see the
'person in the moon'. And what would a 'lady's man' be? A
'persons's person'? That would make a 'he-man' an 'it-person'.
And these are the things you would be hearing about on 'Late
Night with David Letterperson'....

"Have a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I've had 192 nice days in a row,
and I'm ready, by God, for a CRAPPY day!"

Lite salad dressing: 500 Island

Meet my pet quadraped Baud Rat.....

Who could forget the classic by Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn titled:
"You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly"

I kinda like "Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of
Life."

A born loser: Somebody who calls the number that's scrawled in
lipstick on the phone booth wall-- and his wife
answers.
I AM NOT schizophrenic. Me neither.

--------------------------- Attachment -----------------------------

NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH!

The heaviest known element known to science was recently
discovered by corporate research physicists. The element,
tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and
thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 15
senior vice neutrons, 60 vice neutrons, 125 assistant neutrons, and
111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called
morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every
reaction it comes in contact with. According to discoverers, a
minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over
4 days to complete when it would normally occur in less than one
second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3
years at which time it does not actually decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice
neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some
studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after
each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicate Administratium
occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at
certain points such as government agencies, large corporations,
and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best
appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out Administratium is known to be toxic
at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any
productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts
are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled
to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.

Our hero is at a bar,starting to tell this joke....Shhhh!
"This jock walked into a bar on night.."
"Hey buddy".interupted the beefy bartender,leaning over toward him.
"This isn't one of those dumb-jock jokes is it"? he asked.
"Well as a matter of fact it is" answered the man. "What of it"?
"Look,I lift weights when I'm not working here.and see that guy over
there? He's a pro wrestler.And those guys over there at the end of the
bar are pro football players.You SURE you want to tell your joke here?"
asked the bartender.
"I guess you're right",replied our hero. "I'd hate to have to explain it
5 times."

A bunch of sports-minded guys were boozing it up to excess and getting
very loud in the process. When the subject of the University of Georgia
came up, one of the guys snorted: "Huh! Everybody at Georgia is either a
dumb football player or a whore!" Across the table, another guy stood
up, grabbed the first guy by the collar, and said: "Oh, is that right?
I've have you know MY DAUGHTER goes to Georgia." First guy: "Really?
Umm ... what position does she play?"

What is 50 feet long and has no pubic hair?
The front row at a New Kids on the Block concert.

My mother-in-law kept nagging me to take her to Sea World.
I called, but they don't want her.

Welcome to the promised RAM.

Support Deadware: smoke.

here was a fire in my house, and my wife told the kids "Quiet, you'll
wake up daddy."

ЫЫЫЭMy system goes down more than a $10 whore.ЮЫЫЫ

This guy walks up to a sheepherder, and says "I bet you one of your sheep
that I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock".
SHEEPHERDER: No way I have too many. You have a bet.
GUY: Um....Um....Um....742
SHEEPHERDER: WOW!!! That's amazing. OK take whatever sheep you want.
A few minutes later.......
SHEEPHERDER: HEY buddy. I bet you double or nothing I can guess your
nationality.
GUY: I guess it's only fair. OK!
SHEEPHERDER: POLISH!
GUY: Yeah! How'd you know.
SHEEPHERDER: Put the dog back, and I'll explain it to you.

Oops! Did it again..this is a recording..Oops

MEMBER OF THE MARION BARRY DRUG ABUSE CLINIC

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

Don't sweat Petty things, or Pet Sweaty Things

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I miss him

(MS)DOS is a feminist operating system
It's definitely a "mother" at times.

Chris was enjoying a few at the local pub when a man joined him at
the bar, swaying back and forth as he stood there. It started to
get on Chris' nerves, so finally he turned to the stranger and asked
"What's with all this lurching back and forth? Can't you stand
still?"
"I was with the Merchant Marines for 15 years," the fellow explained
genially,"and the roll of the sea kinda got in my blood."
"IS that so? Well, I've got 14 kids," sputtered Chris, starting to
pump his hips energetically back and forth at the bar, "and I don't
stand like this!"

A man had a weird illness.Whenever he broke wind,it made
the sound"honda". He asked his doctor about it but the
doctor after months of tests and literature-reading,could
not figure it out.Finally,just before he was about to give
up,he has an idea!"I'll call Honda Company in Japan and ask
the company doctor!!" Well,he called the Japanese doctor and
was told by him to see if the patient had an abscess in his
teeth somewhere. Sure enough,there is,and when it was
treated the other affliction ended! When th e doctor asked
his Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great
diagnosis over the phone from such a long distance away the
man replied,simple: Abscess makes a fart go honda!!!

When Noah was loading the animals on the ark, a pair of adders
came to the gangplank. Noah said "I'm sorry, but I can only take
animals that can multiply, and you're adders". They said "Well,
how are we gonna survive the flood??!!??" Noah said "I don't
know, and I wish I could help you, but I've got my orders right
from the Top." So the adders built a high platform out of tree
trunks, and stayed up on that during the flood. When the flood
subsided and the ark docked, Noah came down the gangplank and to
his amazement was met by the two adders with a whole lot of
little adders. He said "I didn't know you could multiply!!!"
They said "Neither did we, until we got on the log table."

What's pink, wrinkled, and hangs out your pajamas?
-- Your mother.

Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian

They're like vitamins only Better!...E Presley

Why did the chicken cross the road?
- A crazy was after him with a baby in one hand
and a stapler in the other.

Who is France's data compression hero?
Joan of ARC...

"They put dimes in the hole in my head and
You should see the change in me now!"

Honk if you've had Mrs. Bush

What's the difference between a pigeon and a Texas oil-man?
A pigeon can still make deposits on a Mercedes.

Reputation=character - what you got caught at

No one ever bets enough on the winner.

And so...the young, innocent farmgirl finally made it to the big
city. Upon landing her first real job as a Greyhound bus driver, she
expressed her excitement about her new job by pleasantly greeting each
passenger that she picked up along her route.
For example...
Early one morning, while rolling down one of the back
country roads on her route, she pulled up to a gentlemen waiting at the
bus stop right outside of the local farmers market. The man was
standing there with a rooster, a hen, and a donkey - not an uncommon
picture around these parts.
So, in her usual, charming manner, she pulled up and
greeted the fellow with a big smile...
" Mornin' Sir... Should I grab your cock and pullet
til you get your ass in the door ??? "

Whats hard, and round and sticks out of your clothes far enough that
you can hang a hat on it?
-- Your head

What's a Polish shishkebob?
A flaming arrow through a garbage can.....

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

What did the Pole do when he found out he had sugar in his urine?
He pissed on his corn flakes....

A young guy went to the drugstore to buy some condoms. The pharmacist
noticed that the guy was a bit confused and offered help. The
pharmacist told the guy he could buy a three pack, a six pack, or a
twelve pack and explained the difference when asked. He said that the
three pack was for high school kids; one for Friday, one for Saturday,
and one for Sunday. So what's the six pack for, asked the young guy?
That's for college kids; two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two
for Sunday. The customer's curiosity aroused, he asked about the
twelve pack. Oh, said the pharmacist, those are for married couples;
one for January, one for February, one for March...

Rl prgmmrs dnt nd vwls

BF> Who is France's data compression hero?
BF>
BF> Joan of ARC...
And Great Britain's?
-- Jack the Zipper

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Soup
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
Their was a face off
How do you know when a leper's poker game is over?
They all throw in their hands
What did the leper say to the Hooker?
Keep the tip

There was this def mute couple and they really wanted to make love.
The girl said that she would, only if he had a condom. The guy then ran
to his dresser and grabbed a 10 dollar bill. Out the door he went in search
of a condom. When he arrived at the drug store he remembered that he didn't
know how to sign the word condom. In desperation, he unzippered his pants
and layed it on the counter.Then he slaped down his 10 dollar bill.
The Pharmacist came over and looked at what the guy had done. The phamacist
then unzippered his pants and layed his on the counter.
"Ha mines bigger" yelled the pharmacist. He took the 10 bucks.

He's dim, Jed!

Yesterday, while I was out driving, I got stuck behind a Line
Painting Truck. This wasn't one of the usual small jobs I'd
seen before -- the thing was the size of a cement mixer, and
had a couple of monstrous pressurized paint containers onboard.
The traffic was backed up because they were doing the double-
yellow center lines (which effectively blocked off half the
street. Eventually, I turned onto a side road to take a detour.
As I continued home, I saw freshly painted lines everywhere...
those guys had been busy. (With paint canisters that big, I
guess you can stay out a long time!)
I also saw a dead animal lying in the center of the road, which
isn't all that unusual. It might have been a groundhog or a
racoon -- when it's flattened out, it gets kinda tough to tell.
But this animal had one unusual distinguising characteristic...
...two bright yellow lines running straight across his back!

I'm sorry -- my karma ran over your dogma.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with Jell-O.

Boredom is a feast unfit for mankind, therefore, keep busy:

H H AAA V V EEE SSS EEE X X ! !
H H A A V V E S E X X ! !
HHH AAA V V EE SSS EE X ! !
H H A A V V E S E X X
H H A A V EEE SSS EEE X X * *

From Sourcebook Magazine, Summer 1990, by Dan Gutman:
Would the invention of the telephone ever have gotten off the ground
if Alexander Graham Bell's first call had gone ...
Bell: Mr. Watson, come here; I want you.
Voice: If you know Watson's extension, press 1 now. If you would like
to leave a message for Watson, press 2 now ...
The telephone, which was satisfied for a century or so simply placing
and receiving calls, has become a different animal in recent years.
These days everybody has an answering machine, a speakerphone, and a
slew of other telecommunication doodads. Call waiting, Caller ID, and
last number redial are fine, but here are some options that can't be
far behind:
ON-HOLD DISRUPT. When someone puts you on hold for more than 15
seconds, a digitized voice blares over their speakerphone, "Hey!
Remember me? I don't have all day!" This option also shorts out Muzak
if it's being played.
CALL SCHMOOZING. Stuck listening to a long-winded acquaintance? Call
Schmoozing activates a speech-synthesized voice that sounds just like
you and repeats, "Uh-huh ... I see ... right" while the other party
babbles on. They think you're hanging on every word, when you're
actually getting some work done.
CALL SCHMOOZING PLUS. Your phone places call to important contacts,
trades pleasantries, probes for career-enhancing information, and ends
by saying, "You're beautiful. Let's do lunch. Don't ever change."
GOSSIP NOTIFICATION. Company rumors are automatically broadcast to
selected voice mailboxes. Time once wasted circulating gossip
translates into increased productivity.
CALL TERMINATE. Imagine being able to fire troublesome employees just
by dialing their numbers! An excellent feature for executives with
poor confrontation skills.
NETWORK EAVESDROP. A must for the paranoid manager. Whenever anyone in
the company mentions your name during a phone conversation, a voice-
activated tape recorder stores the call so you can review it later and
hear what people say about you.
SELECTIVE CALL DISCOURAGING. Program the numbers of people you
_really_ don't want to speak with. When they dial your number, your
phone transmits a mild electric shock through their receivers.
CELLULAR CRANK CALL. On command, your car phone can dial any other car
phone within a 30-mile radius and tell the driver his muffler looks as
though it's about to fall off.
CALL REMINDING. Store the birthdays and anniversaries of loved ones in
your telephone's memory. On the appropriate days, the phone
automatically calls them and relays heartfelt sentiments in a
digitized voice resembling yours.
CALL INTERRUPT. When you need to end a conversation quickly, a button
on your phone causes a fake operator to break in and announce that you
have an emergency call on the line from Steve Jobs.
SUBLIMINA-CALL. Periodically during a conversation, the phone plays
subliminal messages to the other party, such as "Say yes" and
"Increase my department's budget."
CHARGE FORWARDING. A quick push of a button charges any long-distance
call to the person you're calling or to friends who don't look too
closely at their phone bills.

Why did they stop the leper baseball game?
Someone dropped a ball in left field.

Why did they stop the leper football game?
There was a hand off at the line of scrimmage.

Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off.

What's grosser than gross?
7 babies in a trash can.
What's grosser than that?
1 baby in 7 trash cans.

One day a leper went into a bar and had a seat. The waiter arrived and
took his order.
"Scotch and soda" he said.
He shot down the drink quickly noticing that the waiter was
becoming sick. He got up to leave, but the waitor sat him back down
saying, "It's not you... I'll even buy you another drink."
The waitor return in seconds with another drink for the leper.
Again the leper shot down the drink and got up to leave, seeing
the waitor puking up lunch in the corner of the bar.
The waitor again tried to no avail to seat the leper.
"You keep saying that it's not me making you sick," the leper
exclaimed, "then who the hell is it?"
"Ok," the waitor replied, "It's not you. It's the guy next to
you... He's drunk... He's eating Potato chips ... and .. He's
DIPPING THEM IN YOUR ARM!

What do you call 100 black guys at the bottom of the ocean?
A GOOD start.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A 50 ft. cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

Q2: What do prostitutes and peanut butter have in common?
A2: They both spread for bread.

Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day?
Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy uses honey and vinegar douche?
A: Because Kermit likes to eat sweet and sour pork.

How is a Mexican like a cue ball?
The harder you hit 'em, the more English they pick up.

How does the brain know where it lives?

Now, now. Don't be like the leper who threw his hands up in the air
in disgust.

Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Sometimes my mind and waste go together...

What do you call 1000 black guys jumping out of an airplane with out
parachutes?
A: Asphalt

How many Country Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to write a song about how good
the old light bulb was.

A duck went into a drugstore to buy some condoms.
Druggist said: "You want me to put that on your bill?"
Duck said: "Just What kind of a duck do you think I am?"

Does killing time damage eternity?

What is the only part of Popeye that doesn't get rusty?
The part he sticks in to Olive Oil!

What do you get when you mix a Rooster with peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Never look a GIF. horse in the mouth.

What is green, slimy and smells like Ms. Piggy?
Kermits middle finger!!!

How does a mexican know when he's hungry??
His ass burns!

Born free...Taxed to death.

I NEED Kirstie Alley's home phone number!!!!!!!!!!

How about "She Broke My Heart, So I Busted Her Jaw."

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: He was stuck in a chicken.

Q: Why did the New Yorker cross the road?
A: What's it to you??!!!!!!!!!!!?

Dyslexics should be persona au gratin.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens weren't invented yet.

What's that up the road? A head?

A chicken is the only animal that you can eat before it is
born, and after it is dead!

If at first you dont succeed,forget skydiving

Q: How many Longshoremen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty-three. You got a problem with that?

Put your modem where your mouth is!

What goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and goo-ey?
--- Gum

I WAS Joan of ARC...now I'm Eileen of ZIP...

Did you hear about the sign off on the news show in the leper colony?
Its ten o'clock, do YOU know where your extremities are?

History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: What's a mile long and moves at 5 mph?
A: A Mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables.

Q: Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the battle of the Alamo?
A: They only had four cars.

Women do come with instructions, ask them!

If you can't beat the one you love, love the one you beat!

Nah, My wife ran off with a BAnana! Oh, what a rotten deal!

What is long and Hard, and contains Seamen?
A Submarine!

Astronaut--Whirled traveler.
Skydiver--a guy whose talks fall flat.
Carpenter--a guy who nails down his agreement.
Surrey-makers--always looking for fringe benefits.
Soviet spy-dancer--a ballet ruse
Chinese spy--a Peiping Tom.
Harpist--a plucky musician.

A piano player found his instrument to be out of tune
and therefore called in the local tuner, Mr. Orlando
Oppornokity. Mr. O. accordingly was summoned, tinkered
with the keys, and departed. The piano player was not
satisfied with the job, however, and called Mr. O.
demanding that he return and do the job right. Not on
your life, Mr. O. replied, "Oppornokity tunes but
once."

Why don't kids fight for custody of parents?

There was a rascal who managed to get engaged to two
women at the same time: one named Edith, in California,
and the other named Kate, in texas. Unfortunately for
the rascal, the two girls met at a beauty contest,
discovered the truth, and confronted him with the
following admonition: "You can't have your Kate and
Edith, too."

I'm in search of myself, have you seen me?

Q. What's the difference between a Hedgehog and a BMW
A. The pricks are on the outside of a Hedgehog!

What did the ship's navigator say to the midget?
"Belly-high, here's your island.....

As they say in Copenhagen..."There is nothing like a Dane."

A class lecture was being given in a large auditorium at Illinois
State University. The professor was proceeding marily through his
notes when a large bag of Doritos came sailing down from the
balcony RIGHT AT THE PODIUM. (apparently, a girl in the balcony
had--for WHATEVER reason--been leaning over the balcony railing with
the bag in her hand and had "accidentally" dropped it.) When the
professor saw this approaching missile, he simply reached up, caught
it, exclaimed "Oh! LUNCH!" and continued with his lecture without
further comment.

"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"

So the High School Shop Teacher is giving his students
a little quiz -- he asks a girl if she can explain the
difference between a screw, a nail, and a bolt.
"Golly!" she replied, "I've never BEEN bolted!"

The wages of sin are tax deductible

"What are you doing that for?", Bill asked, looking at his friend
Tyrone. The large, muscular negro had just finished using a urinal and
before zipping up, banged his cock against the side of the receptacle
three times.
"You oughta try it," Tyrone explained as he zipped up, "it'll make your
dick bigger." Bill scoffed politely. "Naw man, I mean it. Come on,
just humor me: every morning when you get up and take a leak, bang your
dick against the toilet three times. I'll bet you anything it works."
Sceptical but good natured, Bill agrees to try his friend's advice. The
next morning, he pulls himself out of bed, urinates, and beats his pud
against the toilet. Every morning for two weeks he performs this
procedure, and upon close inspection, he realizes his cock is indeed
almost half an inch longer.
From then on, he enthusiastically performs this task. One morning,
however, the banging noise rouses his wife from sleep in the next room.
"Tyrone, is that you?" she asks.

Yeah, Aggies can be real touchy. Why just last week, I was swapping Aggie
jokes with a friend at a bar. The guy sitting next to us seemed to get
redder and redder after each one. Finally having heard enough he
announced, loudly, "I'll have you know that I'M an Aggie!" The temptation
was too much, so I replied "Well I'll tell the next one real slow." At
this, he stormed out of the bar. A half hour later, I was walking out to
my car when the Aggie jumped out from behind a bush brandishing a razor!
Luckely for me, it wasn't plugged in.

I heard a story about a student who walked into the wrong classroom during
finals week. Since the classes are so large it wasn't obvious at first
that anything was wrong. As soon as he got a test, he realized that he
was in the wrong place. So, he got up, stormed to the front of the class,
slammed the paper on the desk and said, "This test is TOO DA*N HARD!" and
stormed out, to a cheering class.

Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.

POOPIE

Ghost Poopie the kind where you feel the poopie come out, but
there are no poopies in the toilet.

Clean Poopie the kind where you poopie it out, see it in the
toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie the kind where you wipe your butt fifty times
and it feels unwiped, so you have to put some
toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie it happens when you're done poopie-ing and
you've pulled your pants up to your knees and
you realize that you have have to poopie some
more.

Pop a Vein in Your Head Poopie
the kind where you strain so much that you
almost have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Poopie
you poopie so much that you lose thirty pounds

Lincoln Log Poopie the kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid
to flush without breaking it into little pieces
with the toilet brush.

Gasey Poopie it's so noisy everyone within earshot is
giggling.

Corn Poopie (self-explanatory)

Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie
it's the kind where you want to poopie, but all
you do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a
little.

Spinal Tap Poopie that's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd
swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (the power dump) the kind that comes out of your
butt so fast your butt cheeks get splash with
water.

Bicyclist do it with chains.

This guy has been feeling really bad for about 3 weeks
so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor says, "Look, I
don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so
why don't you go to this specialist I know." So the man
went to the specialist and the specialist said, "Look
you have this rare sickness, only one person every ten
years gets it! The only cure is made in Australia in a
little town called Mercey, about 400 miles from Sidney.
By the way, you have 1 week to live."
So the man took the first flight he could to Sidney,
rented a car and drove to Mercey, Australia. When he
got there he found it was a town with a population
of one. The man walked up to the one house in the
village and an old doctor answered.
"You have to help me!" said the man,"I'm dying of
this rare illness and I have only 4 days to live"
So the old man invited him in. "I must give you my
special Koala bear Tea. It is the only thing that
will cure you."
So the old man went out to get the supplies. One
koala, a few birds and such, and he boiled them
together and gave them to the man with bones and
feathers and dirt sticking up. and the young man
looked at it repulsed and asked if it could be
strained. The old docter looked horrified and said,
"Oh No, the Koala Tea of Mercy is never strained"

Cheer up! Yesterday won't matter tomorrow.

His eyes bulged and he got headaches. The doctor says, "Look, I
don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so why don't
you go to this specialist I know." So the man went to the
specialist and told him, "Hey, my eyes bulge and I get these
headaches. What's wrong?" The specialist said, "Look you have this
rare sickness. It's always fatal. I'm sorry, but you have only
months to live. There's only one treatment to prolong your life:
immediate castration. I'm sorry."
Well this is a shock, but he goes for it. Later, he is out buying
some new shirts, and tells the salesman, "I take 15-33 shirts. Got
some nice cream colors?"
Salesman says, "Naw, big guy like you, he takes maybe a 16,
16-1/2."
"No, I take 15 collars. Gimme 15 inches."
"OK, You've got them if you want, but lemme tell you, you're about
my size in the arms and shoulders, if I try tto wear 15 inch
collars, I get headaches and my eyes bulge out....."

A Russian, an American, an English Canadian, and a French
Canadian go camping together. One night they are sitting
around the campfire talking about their countries.
The Russian grabs a case of vodka, tosses it in the fire
and shouts, "Russia has such an abundance of vodka that
I can toss away a case without a thought".
The American takes a wad of $100 bills from his backpack,
tosses it in the fire and yells, "America has such an
abundance of money that we can afford to burn cash for
warmth".
The English Canadian grabs the French Canadian and tosses
him on the fire.

Of course there's Mel Fami, famous pitcher for the Yankees.
Every game he pitched was a no hitter. Every game he didn't
pitch they lost. Went to the series, 7th game, 9th inning,
0 - 0. Mel was nervous and for the first time in his life
he took a drink of a beer. Got so drunk, he walked the next
five batters, and lost the game. The manager of the other
team picked up the can of beer and said, "This is the beer
that made Mel Fami walk us."

There once was a young man named Dave
who drug a dead whore in a cave.
Now, it ain't first-class
(f..kin' dead ass),
But LOOK at the MONEY Dave saved!

Did I make myself clear? Translucent?

... so the husband finally let his nagging wife (redundancy?) go
deer hunting with him. After setting her up in a blind and
waiting in his own blind a way's away, he heard a shot. Not
believing that she bagged one before he did, he raced to her
blind to see what happened. She was pulling on one end of the
animal while a large man was pulling on the other. They were
arguing very loudly about whose it was when the man, in total
exasperation, finally said, "Ok lady, you can have it. Just give
me five minutes to get the saddle off."

Save the whales. Refrigerate 'em.

Reminds me of the guy who was out fishing all day, and frustrated with
only catching one fish, took the fish to bed with him. His wife came to
bed and wanted to make love. "Not tonight", the fisherman replied, "I
have a haddock."

This new guy in town was visiting a local pub when he noticed a strange
looking machine next to the bar. The bartender told him it is a piss
analysis machine. The new guy wanted to try it out. He pissed in
the machine and threw in a loonie. 10 seconds later, the machine spat
out a card that says "You need glasses".
"This is bullshit! How can the machine tell if I need glasses from
my piss?"
He decided to give it another try. So he went home, collected piss
from his wife, his daughter and his dog and mixed it all up. Then,
he added couple drops of Quaker State from his car and finally, as
good measure, he jerked off into the brine.
The next day, he went back to the pub. He poured the solution into
the machine and inserted anotehr loonie. This time, the machine struggled
and took almost 5 minutes to come up with an answer.
"Your dog has flees, you wife is dating a Latin lover, your daughter
is pregnant by a Haitian drug user, your car is about to blow up and
if you don't stop jerking off, you'll go blind."

I want a modem that talks!!

What do you call an Italian suppository???
an Inuendo?

What do you call an Italian astronaut???
a specimen..

Mary had a little sheep,
with this sheep she went to sleep,
then she found it was a ram,
Mary had a little lamb.

Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a
magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had
a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot
would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it
around it dissappeared! The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in
his pocket". The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away. The
next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the
parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!" The magician
got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot
kept giving them away.
One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to
make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the
parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked:
"Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?"

One day some scientists heard about a remote Island
where there were Porpoises that lived forever!! So off they
went to check it out.Upon arriving at the Island they
discovered that there was also a huge colony of Mina Birds
present.And,after further research,they found that the mina
birds were the porpoise's main diet! Reasoning that somehow
this was the reason for the porpoises immortality,they
decided to capure some of the mina birds for further study.
Enter the dilemma!--a huge and ferocous lion! Whenever the
sci entists came close to capturing a mina bird,the lion
would appear and ruin everything! So the scientists made a
plan!They dug a deep pit,put some meat laced with a powerful
sedative into it,covered the pit's opening with leaves and
grass;and waited. Soon the lion came round,smelled the
meat,fell into the pit,ate the meat,and fell fast asleep!!
The scientists grabbed as many mina birds as they could
carry,raced across the pit,and were promptly arrested!Why?
Transporting minas across sedated lions for immortal
porpoises!!!

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

A man was walking down the street dragging his left foot behind
him. Coming in the opposite direction he saw a man walking
toward him who also was dragging one of his feet behind him as
he walked. AS the two men met, the first one say, Vietnam
1969. The second one said, Dog shit...a half block behind me.

A Pollack was in the tailor shop lookin at his new suit in
a three-way mirror. The tailor said.."Well, what do you
think of it?" "Great, the Pollack said, I'll take all
three of them."

I had a job lined up as a chimney sweep, but it fell through.

I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn't the
right type for the job.

Then the offer I had to work for RJ Reynolds went up in smoke.

I was a trapeze artist for a while, but then I was let go.

I applied for a job as a telemarketer but didn't get the call.

She wanted to work as a hooker, but she didn't have it in her.

Bo, you don't get Diddley!

There was a professor in the Chemistry Dept. that I did graduate work
in who was noted for the difficulty of the tests he gave. His first
name was Percy. On the morning of a test he walked into the lecture
hall to find the class very quiet and very diligently studying their
notes for that last fact for the test. It wasn't until he had walked
up the aisle to pass out the tests and turned around that he saw the
message emblazoned on the blackboard in big chalk letters :
MERCY PERCY !
To which he replied :
Alas Class !

The leper leaves and the hooker is standing in the open door way and a
door across the hall opens and a john walks out and another hooker looks
at the first hooker and says Hi, how's going?" the first hooker replies:
"Business is falling off."

A good friend of mine, living in northern Michigan, decided to go ice
fishing. He gathered up all of his tackle and moved out on the ice.
He started to auger a hole in the ice when he heard a voice boom out
from above:
'There are no fish here!'
He thought for a few moments, gathered up his stuff, then moved a
little farther down the ice. He started to auger a new hole in the
ice when he heard the voice boom out from above:
'There are no fish here!!'
So, he gathered up his stuff again, moved a little farther down the
ice, then started to augher another hole in the ice. Again he heard
the voice boom out from above:
'I said, there are no fish here!!!'
He sheepishly asked: 'Is that you god?'
To which the booming voice replied:
'No, I'm the rink manager'

No matter where you go, ... there you are

My wife and I were sitting out on our back porch, enjoying a glass
of lemonade after a long hard day. A bird flew over and, with
perfect aim left a deposit squarely in the middle of my wife's head.
She reached up, felt the damage, and shouted:
'Quick, get some toilet paper'
'It wouldn't do any good', I quipped, 'He's miles away by now.'

A Christmas Story
The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to
Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph,
Mary, and their newborn son.
The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and
ran inside the manger. After a few minutes he came running outside
and shouted:
'I have seen him, the son of our lord!'
The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel
and ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside
shouting:
'I have seen the babe, our savior is born!'
The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed
off his camel and ran inside the manger: 'BOOOM', he hit his head on
a rafter and shouted 'Jesus Christ'.
Mary looked up and said,
'Hey, ... that sounds a lot better than Claude.'

Did you hear about the new food store in Jerusulum?
It's called: Cheeses of Nazereth

Try Milk of Amnesia - when you need to forget

Seen on another Church Marquis:
Sunday's sermon will be:
Do you know what hell is?
Come in and hear our organist.

what does a chinaman call a black with AIDS? Coonsoondi.

Phone rings as bar.
"Hello?"
"Is Mr. Freely there? First initials I.P.?"
"Is there an I.P. Freely here? I.P. FREELY!?"

I bought my GF a new seat for her bike, one of those wide versions
that fits a lady's pelvis a bit better than the OEM man's style. I
put it on for her while she was in class, just before we were to go
riding with a friend of ours. She came out to get her bike, and
didn't at first realise the seat had been changed, but then the
odor of new leather came to her, and she realized what I had done.
We rode to Barry's house, picked him up and started riding down the
valley route. She was a bit proud of the seat, so she told Barry I
had gotten it, and that she hadn't caught on til she smelled the
difference. And Barry quipped:
"You mean you smell bicycle seats??"

King Arthur was about to go fight in the crusades. He felt sceptical
about leaving his wife (a beautiful young woman) with his 100 servants.
He decides to put a chastity belt on his wife so that if a man tried to
screw her, he'd get his dick chopped off. When he came back from the
crusades he had all of his servants line up in a row and drop their
pants. All of them had their dicks chopped off except one man. "Son,"
King Arthur said, "Thank you for living up to the trust I have put on
thee. I will grant you anything you want!" The servent replied in a
very undistinguishable tone, "I wrruqbrg gwergnewrgh"!

There's a sign in front of a church near my home.
ЪДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДї
і Come і
і to і
і Ch ch і
і і
іWhat's missing?і
АДДДДДДВДВДДДДДДЩ
і і
і і
і і
і і
ДДДДДДДДДДДБДБДДДДДДДДДДДД

"Don't you go where those huskies go,
and don't you eat that yellow snow."
(Frank Zappa, philosopher)

Of things I've lost, I miss my mind the most
There was this 12 year old girl that got stuck with a pin but she
didn't feel the prick until she was 18.

They say "Love thy neighbor as thy self". What am I supposed to do?
Jerk him off too.

BANNANAS "The Womans Home Companion"

the guy out hunting ducks. He shot one and it fell in a
farmer's yard. When he went in to get it, the farmer came out and
they got into an argument about who owned the duck. Farmer said
it was his as it was on his property. The hunter said his as he'd
shot it.
After a few minutes, the farmer said, "We'll settle this country
style, We kick each other in the crotch in turn and the last guy
standing gets the duck." The hunter wasn't too keen on this, but
agreed. Farmer said he got the first kick as it was his property.
He laid in a good one and the hunter spent the next ten minutes
rolling around on the ground in agony. Finally, he recovered
enough to take his turn. "Ready?" he asked. The farmer said, "Ah,
hell take the damned duck!"

Did you hear about the black boy that jumped into the freezer?
-He had diarrhea and he thought he was melting.

What's smurf sex?
-Screwing until you're blue in the face.

Do ya guys wanna hear a cookie joke?
-Forget it, it's too crummy

Do ya guys wanna hear a fast joke? (Yes)
-Do ya wanna hear another one?

1) When Jim Morrison sings, I get Door-gasms.
2) I love abusing the down-trodden. It gives me poor-gasms.
3) Thinking about Burt Reynold's ex-lovers gives me Dinah Shore-gasms.
4) Listening to Satanic Heavy Metal gives me Tipper Gore-gasms.
5) Star Trek, The Next Generation gives me Geordi LaForge-gasms. (ehhh)
6) Bob Hope/Bing Crosby movies give me Road to Bora-Bora-gasms.
7) Japanese war movies give me Tora Tora Tora-gasms. (ehhh)
8) Jacques Cousteau documentaries give me explore-gasms.
9) Anything with Kim Basinger gives me adore-gasms.
10) Professional golf on TV gives me fore-gasms. Or bore-gasms, grin.

Why are you SHOUTING at us in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS?

Computer Reference Manual, MAD Magazine...
what's the difference?

Shredded Disaster is Murphy Slaw

What's the difference between Mono and Herpes?
-- Well, you can get Mono by snatching a kiss...

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

What is the output of a vacuum pump?

What kind of dog has four legs and one arm?
-- A Pit Bull!

What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie?
-- A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help!

What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie?
-- A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help!

What's the difference between Erotic and Kinky?
-- With Erotic, you use a feather...
for Kinky, you use the entire chicken!

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent
months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp.
The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was
declining at an alarming rate. Finally Finn went to the
chemistry department at his college, to see if anyone there
might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem,
and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed
to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply
couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Trom
brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss
of that, and, most critically, one part of sodium. "You
mean?..." Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom. "They
needed mono-sodium glue to mate."

While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock
which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the
rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is
pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull
the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a
paranoid pessamist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate
that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a
daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough,
Sam shot him! What is the moral of this story? Better Nate
than lever!

King John and King Paul had been at war for years, and King
Paul was getting tired of it. He decided to make peace
between himself and King John. So he sent his eldest son,
his most trusted Prince, to see King John and arrange the
peace. Well, the Prince travelled for days and finally
arrived at King John's castle. It was a huge stone
fortress, surrounded by a deep moat which was filled with
tiny Piranha-like fish called Yellow Fingers. These Yellow
Fingers could strip a cow to the bones in minutes! So the
Prince yelled up to the guards, "Lower your drawbridge! I
come from King Paul to arrange the peace." They did lower
the drawbridge, but just as the prince put one foot on it,
they yanked the drawbridge back up again, causing the
prince to flip into the moat, where he was eaten by the
Yellow Fingers. When King Paul heard this he was very
upset, but he was still determined to make the peace. So he
sent his most trusted Barons as his emissaries. One by one
they were tricked into falling in the moat. King Paul sent
his Dukes. They too were eaten by the fish. Finally no one
was left n the castle but a little page boy. "Page," said
King Paul wearily, you are my last hope. You must make the
peace between King John and me. lad, and good luck." The
page went to the drawbridge "I come from King Paul to
arrange the peace!" As they had done many times before,
King John's men lowered the bridge, then yanked it back up
just as the victim put a foot on it. But a strange
thing happened. The page, instead being eaten, walked right
along the bottom of the moat, climbed onto drawbridge, and
entered the castle. King John was so impressed by this that
he made peace! What is the moral? Let your pages do the
walking through the yellow fingers.

It takes years to become an overnight success

Old Chief Gnarled Oak, turned into a millionaire by the
discovery of oil on his reservation, was proud and
pleased when his two boys were accepted into a swank
yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming
ambition was to see his red sons in the sail set.

Hear about the father of the leper?
He gave away his daughter's hand in marriage.

The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts
named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies.
But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and
up till all the people in Quakertown were talking about
the pie rates of Penn's aunts.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down and she had $2.50.

the story about the two Polacks who went hunting
together, They bagged a moose and, being big strapping fellows,
tucked a hind leg each under an arm and began dragging the
moose back to their vehicle. Another hunter came along and
suggested that dragging the moose by the hind legs created a lot
of extra friction with the hair digging into the ground. He
suggested they'd be better off dragging it by the front legs and
the hair would then slip over the ground more easily. They took
his advice and a few minutes later, one said to the other, "Dat
guy know what he was talkin' about, Dis is a lot easier." The
other agreed and said, "Only thing woriies me is, we're getting a
hell of a long way from the truck!"

When Mary Poppins grew too old for the nanny business, she moved out t
L.A., to open a fortune-telling shop and mouth-wash store. She hung a
sign out her window upon opening, which said:
"SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC. EXPERT: HALITOSIS"

Dig a very large hole and layer the bottom with about a
foot of ash. Then put a line of peas around the top of the
hole. When the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in the
ash-hole.

This space intentionally not left blank.

Or.... the Travelling Salesman was weekending in a small town
whose single industry was the manufacture of coin operated
machines. It was very quiet on Saturday night so he asked the
desk clerk if there was anything going on in town. "No," replied
the clerk, "but the factory has a demo room that's open all the
time. They have some new machines there and you can try them
out." The T/S went to the factopry and found a number of
interesting machines in operation. One large one had a small
hole in the front of it and was labled, "YOUR WIFE AWAY FROM
HOME". He thought this an excellent idea, so opened his fly,
stuck his member into the hole and inserted a dollar bill. There
was immdeiate and noisy operating inside the machine and when he
withdrew his member, there was a button sewn on the end of it!

Greetings. Must tell you about my uncle Bill who went to
Hollywood to get a job in the movies. Bill finally got his big break
and was chosen to play a part in a western. When casting interviewed
him they asked "which part do you think you are best suited for?"
Of course uncle Bill replied "Just give me a small bit and a steer to
star by!"
There was this guy who picked up this chick at a dance.
After they danced, the guy said
"I'd take you to my house, but my parents are home."
The woman replied
"I'd let you go to my house, except my BOYFRIEND is there!"
The dude suggested that they go to his van instead.
The chick agreed and they went to the van; they both
took off their clothes, and at the point where the man
was about to enter her, the woman exclaimed
"What, no foreplay?! How about going outside and look for
a stick, and you could beat me with it!"
So the man went outside, but couldn't find any sticks. So instead
he busted the aerial off his van, and the guy and girl beat
each other on the back and they had a gay old time. The next
morning, however, the man was feeling aweful sore on the back.
He went to his doctor, who exclaimed:
"This is the worst case of Van-Aerial disease I've ever seen!"

There was once a little land,where there lived a little
peaceful race of people called the Trids.Everything was
OK until a huge giant settled in their land.And if that
weren't bad enough,whenever the giant came upon a
Trid,he would kick him as hard as he could!Well,the
Trids finally had had enough!Being very religious,they
went to see their local Rabbi.Rabbi,they exclaimed!,the
giant keeps kicking us,please help! So the Rabbi went
over to the giant's cave and hollered"come out here;and
explain why you keep kicking the poor little Trids!" The
giant stuck his massive head out of the cave entrance
and said: Silly Rabbi,kicks are for Trids!!!!!!!!

============================WARNING!===================================
A Canadian joke is approaching. This can be enjoyed by non-Canadians
as well, as long as they observe the following precautions.

1. Keep in mind that Canadians have a Prime Minister (kind of like
a President but without the restraining powers of Congress, the
Supreme Court or Democracy, and much, much stupider).
2. The current (2 more years max!) Prime Minister is Brian Mulroney.
3. Mulroney just had a little cabinet shuffle.

After the recent shuffle, Brian decided to take his cabinet for lunch.
The waiter took his order.
Waiter: What would you like for lunch, sir?
PM: I'll have the haddock.
Waiter: And for the vegetables, sir?
PM: Uhhhhhh. They'll have the same.

Support mental health.........Or I'll kill you.
Scene - a schoolroom in Italy.......
Teacher: Class, can anyone tell me where the Great Lakes are? Luigi?
Luigi: Upper U.S. !
Teacher: Oh Luigi, I'm taking you to the principal's office.

P.S. Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Viaducts.
Viaducts who?
Viaducts valking on vebbed feet vhen zay could be svimming?

Lower the age of puberty!

Little ms. muffet
sat on her tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider and said
"What's in the bowl, b*tch?!"

Leonard had heard so much about ice fishing that he decided to
give it a try. He got all his ice fishing gear together, went out
onto the ice and started to drill a hole. Suddenly, a deep,
resonant voice from above him said, "There are no fish there".
Leonard shrugged, picked up his equipment, moved another 50 feet
out onto the ice and began to drill. Again, a big voice boomed,
"There are no fish there". Leonard looked up and asked, "Are you
God?" "No asshole, I'm the arena manager, now get out!"

Dyslexics of the World..... UNTIE!

....Then there was the hopeless case that Sherlock Holmes
solved through the use of brilliant deduction....
Watson asks, " Tell me dear Sherlock, what school did you
last attend?"
"Elementary my dear Watson, Elementary."

Did you hear about the guy who discovered his new wife thought
the smoke detector in the apartment was the oven timer.

Or how about the woman who went to the bank and got a home improvement
loan, took it home, gave it to her husband and told him to get lost.

A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like
to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary -unusual. The pet
shop owner replied, well,I have one Rairy-bird left... The
man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that
certainly makes it unusual!, I'll take it! So the man
brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it
had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally,the
Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside
the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to
himself:I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to
feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird
into the back ,and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He
then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the
cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man
was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming
from the back of the dump- truck: I"It's a long long way to
tip-a-Rairy!!

My old friend Roy Rodgers once got himself a brand new
pair of cowboy boots.They were beautiful!! Out on the
plains camping once,a huge mountain lion crept into
Roy's camp and chewed up Roy's new cowboy boots!Roy was
furious,and decided to never rest until he had revenged
himself upon the ornery mountain lion! Finally he had
the critter in the sights of his rifle!Bang!!-one dead
mountain lion! Heading back into town with the dead
animal slung across his horse,a friend approached him
and sang: Pardon me Roy, But is that the cat That chewed
your new shoes?

Ma and Pa always made a nice ritual out of dinner - Ma brought
out her freshly baked loaves of home-made bread, and Pa would
carefully carve them into regular, even slices. Every night,
the family would sit around the table nodding with approval as
Pa displayed his skill with the knife, barely leaving a crumb
as he divided up the loaves. As the years went by, the kids
would all chip in and buy Pa a new knife every few Christmases.
Each time, they got him a larger, sharper, better knife. Pa
could put a couple of loaves side-by-side and with one pass of
his knife, create several even slices of Ma's bread. Finally,
one Christmas, the kids really outdid themselves. They got Pa
such a fine knife that tears sprang to his eyes as he opened
the package. Holding it aloft, he reverently exclaimed,
"I never thought that I'd own a four-loaf cleaver!"

Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor daughter a dress;
When she got there the cubbard was bare and so was her daughter, I guess.

Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor dog a bone; When she
bent over rover came over and gave her a bone of his own.

Mary had a little lamb; The Dr.'s were supprised;
But when Old McDonald had a farm, they almost passed out.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and way;
Along came a spider and said what ya got in the bowl bitch.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe; She had so many children her
uterious fell out.

Once there was a Russian who had a pen-pal who lived in Africa.
They had written each other letters for about 2 years, when the
African sent a letter to his Russian friend announcing his plans
to come to Russia and visit him. The Russian, who always wanted
to meet his African friend, prepared a tour for his friend.
After meeting him at the airport, the Russian took the African on
a tour of Moscow. When they approached Red Square, the African
saw a circle of men standing around passing something around, and
asked "What's going on down there?". The Russian said "That's
our national game of Russian Roulette". The African asked "How
is it played?" The Russian said "Well, let's go watch them..."
They went down and watched as each Russian in turn took a six-
shooter from his neighbor, spun the cylinder, placed the muzzle
to his head, and pulled the trigger. The African said "What's
the game about?" The Russian explained "One of the chambers is
loaded. If you land on the loaded chamber, you are dead." The
African says "Interesting.... Simple, yet elegant. I like
it..."
As the African was about to leave for home, they made plans for
the Russian to visit his African friend in his home village.
Remeber that neat game you showed me called Russian Roulette?
We have invented our own version, called African Roulette..." The
Russian asked "How is it different?" The African says "Well,
let's go watch and I'll show you."

They go to the center of the village and find the following
scene:

In the center of the village, there are 20 naked men walking
around a circle. Inside the circle, there are 20 naked women.
An old man to the side is beating on a drum.

The Russian says "OK, what's going to happen now?" The African
replies "See the man with the drum? When he quits beating it,
each man get's a blowjob from the woman in front of him..." The
Russian says "Where's the fun of that?!?" The African replies
slyly "One of the girls is a Cannibal!!!"

Save the Whales -- Collect the whole set!

If swimming is good for your figure,
Why do whales look the way they do?

ЙННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННН»
є PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 є
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An unemployed stripper begged her agent to
find her work. He cautioned her that the only job
available was at a longshoremen's convention--
typically a rough gig. Because she was broke, she
took the job anyway.
That evening, the agent walked into the hall
just as the stripper began her act. Before long,
the unruly crowd began pelting her with crushed
beer cans and cigarette butts while shouting
obscenities, issuing lewd catcalls and trying to
manhandle her. Halfway through her performance,
she ran off stage, sobbing.
"Look, they don't mean anything by it," the
agent said consolingly. "They've just had too
much to drink and----"
"No, no it's not them!" she exclaimed. "Did you
hear that f***ing band?"

ЙННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННН»
є PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 є
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Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a
walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a
storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing
the blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men
looked around in amazement.
"What do you suppose is going on?" one asked.
"Only thing I can figure," the other said, "is
that the Cubs went to the series."

ЙННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННН»
є PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 є
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Two doctors were putting on the ninth green
when one collapsed from a heart attack. "Help
me," he groaned to his companion.
"Sorry, my malpractice insurance won't cover
it," his partner replied, walking off the green,
"but I'll get help."
A few minutes later, he returned, picked up his
club and began lining up hit putt. The man on
the ground raised his head and screamed in
Disbelief, "I'm dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry. I found a doctor on the second
hole who said he'd come and help."
"The second hole? When the hell is he coming?"
"Hey, I told you not to worry," he said, stroking
his put. "They're going to let him play through."

ЙННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННН»
є PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 є
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Why did the Siamese twins got to England?
So the other one could drive for a while.

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є PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 є
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What did Dan Quayle say when Mrs. Quayle blew
softly in his ear?
"Thanks for the refill."

ЙННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННН»
є PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 є
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After a brief absence, a nurse returned to her
station and was quickly pulled aside by one of
her colleagues. "Shirley, your breast is out of your
uniform!"
"Oh, shit," the rumpled nurse replied,
glancing down. "Don't those damn doctors ever put
anything away?"

ЙННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННН»
є PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 є
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After a late night out with the boys, the man
undressed and slipped into bed with his wife. "Are
you awake honey?" he whispered. When he got
no response, he kissed her on the lips. "Hon, you
awake?" Still no response. He kissed her on both
breasts. "Hon, wake up." He kissed her on the
belly. She didn't move. Then he kissed her on
the knee.
"You son of a bitch!" she shrieked, bolting
upright. "If my pussy had been a bar, you wouldn't
have missed it!

ЙННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННН»
є PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 є
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Heard about Zsa Zsa's new fragrance?
It's called Conviction and you just slap it on.

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є PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 є
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Rumors in the fast-food industry have it that
McDonald's is preparing to test-market a new
burger made from bulls' lips. It'll be called the
McJagger.

One day in Russia,Rudy,a Communist Party member,was
discussing the upcoming stormy weather with his
wife,Helga.Rudy said it looked like a huge rainstorm was
coming,but Helga said it was surely snow!Rain,said Rudy
insistently!Snow,said Helga,stubbornly! This went on for
quite some time,until the exasperated husband finally said:
Rudolph the Red,knows rain,dear!!!!!!!

Why are they raising the drinking age to 23 in Newfoundland ?
To cut the drinking out of the elementary schools .

Uncle Bill was finding the money in the movie business rather poor.
Unless you were a big star minimum wage was the best you could expect.
As Bill was having trouble making ends meet he decided to take on a
second job. After some searching he got a job out in the San Joaquin
valley guarding fields of cantalopes and casabas. Bill was issued an
old double barrel shotgun and shells loaded with rock salt. His job was
to protect the fruit from theives who would sneak in during the dark of
night. The first few nights were very difficult. Uncle Bill had a
terrible time staying awake all night, then going to his daytime acting
job. At last Bill came up with a solution. He would get a dog to help
him guard the fields. After much looking Bill found a suitable animal.
It was one of the long haired breed known for its great intelligence.
In memory of one of the dogs more famous relatives Bill named his new
pet Lassie. Guard duties became much easier. Lassie would stand watch
while her master caught a few winks. Unfortunately one dark evening a
stray dog came into the cantalope field. While Bill was sleeping Lassie
took time out for a romantic interlude. In a due span of time Lassie
gave birth to a single cute little puppy. Bill was delighted, he now
had two dogs to help with guard duties. He became very attached to the
little pup, and often refered to it as his "melon collie baby".
;-)
Husband and wife were enjoying some horizontal recreation.
Husband stopped and asked wife. "Did I hurt you?" She replied.
"No, why?" He responded, "You moved!"

Wife tells husband that if he doesn't smarten up she'll cut him
off. He asked, "How you gonna do that? You don't even know where
I'm getting it!"

Guy asks friend if friend talks to his wife during sex. Other guy
responds, "Sure, if she happens to call!"

Guy asks friend, "Does your organ burn after you've had sex?"
Friend responds, "Don't know, never enjoyed sex enough to try and
light it!"

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the
bathtub?
The woman in church has hope in her soul...

All swell that ends swollen...

Little Miss Muffet
Crouched on a tuffet,
Collecting her shell-shocked wits.
There dropped (from a glider)
An H-Bomb beside her-
Which blasted Miss Muffet to bits.

What's the definition of gross???
Diving into a bowl of snot and eating your way out!

What's the definition of pain??
Jumping off the CN tower and getting your nose caught on a nail!

What's another def of pain??
Sliding down the CN tower with razor blades strapped to your butt and
then landing in a bowl of iodine!

What is red and scratches on glass??
A baby in a microwave!

What is green and doesn't scratch on glass???
The same baby two weeks later!

How do you get across a room without touching any babies??
Use a snowblower!!!

What is black and squirms??
A half alive baby in a body sack.

What is black, smells and doesn't squirm??
The same baby three weeks later!!

It was the 8th annual mouse convention and mice from near and far
had gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by
the stag line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to
himself. Turning to another male mouse he said, "Look at the legs
on that mouse, aren't they sexy?'
"Just fair," was the answer.
"You crazy," said the first mouse and then turned to another,
asked his opinion.
"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
about."
"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.
"Now you," he said to the fourth mouse, what do you think of
them?"
"To tell the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs,
I'm a titmouse myself."

A young couple got married and after all the festivities the new
groom made one request of his new wife. He told her he wanted
to designate a drawer in his bureau to be his PRIVATE DOMAIN.
She was to respect his privacy and never venture into this sacred
place of his. Well she was agreeable to this and went on to live
a long and happy life together.
After about 45 years of this marital bliss the husband became
seriously ill, hospitalized, and not expected to survive long.
The wife sitting at home, waiting to go for a visit, decided
this may be her last opportunity to unlock the secret of his
private door so he opened it up. Inside she found 3 golf balls
and 5000 dollars in cash. Later at the hospital she confessed
to her dying husband of her curiosty and asked him to explain the
contents. Well, he said, whenever I cheated on you I put a
golfball in the drawer. She thought about that fora minute and
figured considering they had 45 happy years, she could forgive
3 indescretions. She then asked of the 5000 dollars.
Oh that, he said, every time I got a dozen balls I sold them.

I maybe a Poet and I don't Know it.
But my Dick... It's a Longfellow!

A man stood on the Brooklyn Bridge,
his feet hung in the water.
- Longfellow

Two guys stop on a bridge to relieve themselves. As they are
standing there, the first guy said "Hey, this water is cold."
The other guy replied, "Yeah, and deep too."

Two neighbors were discussing gardening one afternoon. The lady
from next door remarked, "My but you have such a nice blush on
your tomatoes, how do you do it?" The gentleman farmer replied,
"Oh, its easy. Every morning before I get dressed, I walk out to
my garden in my bathrobe and flash them. You should give that a
try."
A few weeks later the two neighbors were again talking about
gardening, when the man asked, "By the way, how are your tomatoes
doing? Do they have a nice blush yet?" "No," answered the woman,
"they are the same as before. But now my cucumbers are a foot
long!"

If you had a faggot on your back, would you let him stay on,
or would you beat him off?

There were two young brothers, Ted age 10 and Roy age 8.
For days they had been contemplating where they were going
to be sent for their annual summer camp. Well Ted says "My
instinct tells me we are going to be sent back to camp
Tomahawk again this year." Roy looks at him with a weird
glint in his eye and says "Well my end stinks too but it
don't tell me nuttin."

Did you pass your prune pit today?

Or the gal who wanted a unique pet for a gift for her husband, and
bought the Crunch-Bird that the pet store clerk recommended. Why?
Well, the clerk had demonstrated.... "Crunch-Bird - CHAIR!" Whereupon
the Crunch Bird reduced the chair to sawdust with his powerful beak.
Then, "Crunch Bird, Table!" Another pile of dust, so she bought it on
the spot. Well, the guy had had a terrible day at work and was in a
lousy mood. His wife greeted him at the door and said, "Honey, look
what I bought for you today! A Crunch Bird."
To which the grump replied, "Crunch Bird, my ass! Gimme a beer!"

A woman in Boston hails a taxi and hops in.
Woman: Oh driver, take me to where I can get scrod.
Driver: OK lady, but shouldn't you be using the past perfect?

Beware of geeks baring GIFs.

Why doesn't the Post Office lose THIER mail?

THE ANSWER IS: Beef, Iron and Wine
The question is "What do housewives do at home all day?"

Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final
round. Mr. Cohn was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just
as the buzzer was rung, Schine slipped ahead, and won!
When asked what prize he wanted, he stated that he
wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was
told : I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.'
Then I can have a portrait painted, and call it "Schine
on Harvest Moon."

If Fairbanks Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs, what
would it be called?
Dogless Fairbanks!

Overheard in court one day:
Judge - What's your name?
Prisoner - Sparks
Judge - What's the charge?
Prisoner - Assault and battery
Judge - Well, lock him in a dry cell!

I went fishing one day just for the halibut, but all I caught
was a haddock, so I went home and took a bunch of
aspirins, and then my herring got impaired.

We were all in a car and it wouldn't
start, so I told everyone to be quiet, and then it started
right up! Why??
Cause it goes without saying...

Sheep get their haircut at the baa baa shop!

Don't press your luck!
Avoid ironing your four-leaf clovers!

What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a
Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman!

All the best chess players were at a big tournament. They
hung out for the first hour in the hallway, bragging to each
other about all their recent victories. Suddenly, the hotel
manager threw them all out of the hallway. When asked why, he
replied:
"I hate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"

I once knew a medical man who loved frozen daiquiris. He was at a
bar one night drinking one when a piece of hickory-wood form the
ceiling fell into the glass. So I said that it was a hickory
daiquiri, doc!

A dentist was obsessed by dental floss! His obsession was so
great that he bought a roan horse to help him gather floss for
his growing collection. Another dentist became even more
compulsive and stole the horse!!, But the horse refused to help
the second dentist! Moral???
A stolen roan gathers no floss!

Be proud of me, and someday I may deserve it.

Q: What do you get when you mix vodka and Milk of Magnesia?
A: A Phillips Screwdriver!

For protection, my father bought me a German Shepherd dog. When
he found out I was Jewish, he bit me! He was a wonderful
watchdog. One evening while I was being held up, he watched.

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I wanted to
be different, so I called my dog "Sex." I found out that "Sex"
is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex out for a walk
and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for the dog. A
cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley
at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case
comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a dog license and I told the
clerk - "I would like to have a license for Sex." He said, "I
would like to have one, too." Then I said, "but this is a dog,"
and he said that he didn't care how she looked. Then I said,
"You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was two years old." He
said, "you must have been a very strong baby."
I told him that when my wife and I seperated I went into court to
fight for custody of the dog and I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex
before I was married," and the Judge said, "Me, too." Then I
told him that after I was married Sex left me and he said, "Me,
too."
When I told him that I once had Sex on TV he said, "Showoff." I
told him that it was a contest and he told me that I should have
sold tickets.
I also told the Judge about the time when the wife and I were on
our honeymoon and we took the dog along. When I checked into the
motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and
myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every
room in the motel was for sex. Then I said, "You don't
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night," and the clerk said,
"Me, too."

Entropy requires no maintenance!

Do you smoke after sex?
-- I don't know... I never looked!

That isn't original and Clay didn't even get it right!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
They each had a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
Jack came down a little shorter

Haven't you ever seen Rembrandt's famous painting:
Mel and Cholic Baby.

Lucy! I theen you got some splainin to do.

Child: Aw Mom. Whenever we visit Uncle Al he always wants to go
bowling. He never wants to go with me to the court and play a few
sets. I think he hates it.
Mother: Nonsense. Many's the time I've heard Alfred laud tennis, son.

"Home, home and deranged...."

Jealous wife on the phone: You tell my cheating husband to get his ass
across the street right now.
Neighbour: He just did!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do some Hanky Panky.
Jack went 'Uh!' and Jill went 'Ah!'
And out came baby Frankie!

She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still!

"You will pay for eating that apple", God said adamantly!

"I'm glad you got your headlight fixed", she beamed!!

"I've dropped my toothpaste", he said crestfallen.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Don Juan
Don Juan who?
I Don Juan to set the world on fire!

Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards!
Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria!
Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain!
Denial: A river in Egypt!
Buccaneer: The price of corn.
Valorus: Large animal vit tusks; lives in vater!

What's black and white and red all over?
Santa Claus coming down the chimney.

"Who was that lady I seen you with last night?"
"You mean 'I saw.'"
"Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?"

"What do you get when you cross poison ivy with 4 leaf clovers?"
"A rash of good luck!"

Knock knock
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
Gee, I didn't know you knew how to yodel.

I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious.

Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and
his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships.
Most agree that although Dick is a fine shipbuilder, he's
not the rigger Mort is.

Why did the theatre critic always praise the first show of
the season?
He didn't want to stone the first cast.

If Carmen Miranda married Yves Montand... ...when she combed
her hair, would she be Carmen Miranda Montand when she
combs?

What type of birth control would a Roman Catholic lumberjack
who's wed to a mathematican use???
The log-a-rhythm-method.

Why did King Author wear his Cloak to the Great Ball, rather than his
Mantle?
Cause kings go better with cloak!

Why didn't the Maharishi want novocaine when he had a tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Three guys were having an argument about who was more generously
endowed. Finally, to settle the matter once and for all, they
went up to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to
unzip their flies.
"Pretty good, huh?" said Mort, whose organ was hanging all the
way down to the fifty-seventh floor.
"I got you beat cold," said Bill, whose member was dangling just
below a window on the forty-ninth.
They looked over at the third guy, who was dancing a curious
sort of jig, jumping from one foot to the other and peering
anxiously over the edge of the observation deck.
"What the hell are you doing, Harry?" they asked.
"Dodging traffic!" he replied.

Unicorns aren't mythical -- virgins are!

Q: What time of day was Adam born?
A: A little before Eve.

Q: When was radio first mentioned in the Bible?
A: When God took a rib from Adam and made a loudpeaker.

What a good thing Adam had...when he said something, he knew
nobody had said it before.

Eve: "Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: "Who else?"

The first Adam-splitting gave us Eve - a force which ingeneous
men of all ages have never gotten under control.

Adam was created first - to give him a chance to say something.

Power corrupts, but we need the electricity

What's blue and squirms in the corner?
-A baby with a plastic bag.

Why is sex spelled S-E-X?
-It's too hard to spell Uhhhh, Ahhhhhh, and Aieee!!!

I say to the doctor, "It seems as I get older, my ears
get bigger!".
The doctor, he say to me, "This is not unusual. All
extremities tend to get larger as we get older.".
I tell the doctor "Well, maybe this is good thing, this
might do something for my weenie!".
The doctor says "You know, the problem with them ears,
is when they get big they get floppy.".

Do you know what a Polish 7 course meal is?
A six-pack and a kielbasa!

There was a newly married couple and the wife was just a bit
unsure of herself around the house.
One day a floorboard on the back porch broke and when her hubbie
came home she asked if he could fix it. "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE A
CARPENTER", he bellowed, "call a carpenter to fix it."
A few days later she had an electrical problem and again waited for
her husband to come home and again got this response, "WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE,AN ELECTRICIAN? call an electrician to fix it."
Well a couple of weeks past and when the husband came home
from work his wife told him that there had been a problem with
the plumbing, but, she had called the plumber and everything had
been taken care of. "Great!" he said, "that's the way to do things,
how much did he charge?" "Well", she told him, "he wanted either
10 pies, or sex." "I hope you gave him the pies" he said.
"WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE BETTY CROCKER"

How do you unload a truck full of babies?
With a pitchfolk.

The doctor told Henry that he had cancer and could
expect to live only another 4 to 5 weeks. Henry told his
buddies he was dying of AIDS. Doc called Henry in to ask
him why he was saying it was AIDS instead of cancer. Henry
replied, "I don't want anybody messing with my wife after
I'm gone."

Do you know why Scotsman wear kilts??
Sheep can hear a Zipper a mile away.

I used to live in Wyoming, in a small town called Frontier
(well, actually a suburb of Frontier called Kemmerer. That
is pronounced Kemer. No, ya gotta say it FASTER). Needless
to say, there wasn't much to do besides drink in a local bar
called the Frontier Bar (Or was it Lester's Liquor Locker?).
One day, me and my mining buddies were tossing down a few
cool ones, and a dog walks in, walks up to the bar and says,
"Gimme a beer". Evidently this type of thing isn't too rare
in Wyoming, because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we
don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a dollar, and
said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene
had the potential to get ugly. The bartender said one more
time, "We do not serve dogs here. Please leave." The dog
growled, and then the bartender pulled out a gun and shot
the dog in the foot. The dog yelped, and ran out the door.
The next day, I happened to be in the same
establishment, and we were again drinking a few beers.
Then, the swinging bar doors were tossed open, and in walks
the dog we saw the day before. He was dressed all in black.
A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots
and one black bandage. The dog looks around, waits for the
talking to quiet down, and says,
"I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

Guy looking for his friend pops in a barber shop and asks:
Hey! Bob Peters here?
Barber replies:
No. Just heads.

The Answer is: "Marcus Welby ... Pickled Herring... and
Doris Day."
And the Question -- "Name a surgeon, a sturgeon, and a virgin!"

A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him into Texas
for the first time.
After reaching his first stop in Texas, it was late so he
checked into a motel. And went to it's restaurant for diner.
He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug.
"Waitress" he said," I ordered a small beer." She said," this
is Texas, in Texas this is a small beer." Then he ordered a
petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick
stake so big the sides of it were hanging off the edge of the pater.
"Waitress, I ordered a petite stake"
She told him that in Texas that was a petite stake. After a
while all that beer was getting to him, so he ask the
waitress where the rest room was. She told him to go down the
hall two doors and turn to the *RIGHT*. He staggered down
the hall two doors, turned *LEFT*,and walked into the hotel
swimming pool. As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed,
"DON'T FLUSH IT!"

Happiness is a warm modem

One day a proud father brought his 21 year old son into a
neighborhood bar for a birthday drink. This is not unusual except
that this proud fathers son had no body, he was just a head. The
father ordered to crown royals over and gave his son a sip. POP the
son suddenly had a body! Amazed the father gave him another sip and
POP he sprouted legs! The father overcome with joy gave him another
sip and POP he sprouted arms! Complete and Amazed the son raised his
glass and took the final sip in his glass and KABOOM he exploded all
over the bar!
The Point to All This long Winded Shit: Always Know and Quit When Your
A-Head!

Pollock goes into store and ask clerk for a link of Polish Sausage.
The clerk ask him if he is polish and this makes him angry as hell
so he ask the clerk if he would have asked him if he were Italian if
he had ordered Italian sausage. The clerk simply replied that he would
not have asked. The pollock then wanted to know why then did he ask
if he were Polish. The clerk replied "Because this is a hardware store"

"It's time someone put his foot down around here.
And that foot...is me."

THE ANSWER IS: Ciss
Boom
Baaaaaaa
The question is "what sound does an exploding sheep make?"

She was married to a Jew but split up because she never knew if
she was Carmen or Cohen.

A couple were relaxing on their front lawn one day when a couple of
sailors walked by. One sailor complimented them on their lovely
peach tree. The husband replied, "thanks, but it's a plum tree,
actually." The sailor said, "Sorry, but you're mistaken, it is a
peach tree." The wife spoke up, "Look, he knows fruit, salts."

A draftee went for his physical wearing a truss and with papers
that were stamped "M.E." for "Medically Exempt".
Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his
physical.
At the end of the examination the doctor stamped "M.E" on his
papers. "Does this mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked the
doctor.
"No," replied the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East.
Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can ride a camel."

The story is told of a young Czechoslovakian, a Russian
officer, a little old lady, and an attractive young woman
riding on a train.
Shortly after the train entered a dark tunnel, the passengers
heard a kiss, then a loud slap.
The girl thought,"Isn't it odd the Russian tried to kiss the
old lady and not me?"
The old lady thought,"That is a good girl with fine morals."
The Russian officer thought,"That Czech officer is a smart
fellow; he steals the kiss and I get slapped."
The Czech thought,"Perfect. I kiss the back of my hand, slap
a Russian officer, and get away with it!"

Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was
robbed for the third time by the same bandit, "Did you notice
anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time."

An Army base staff was planning war games did not want to use
live ammunition. Instead they informed the men, "In place of a
rifle, you go `Bang bang'. Inplace of a knife, you go `Stab
stab'. In place of a hand grenade, you go `Lob lob'.
The game progressed until one of the soldiers saw one of the
enemy. He went "Bang, bang," but nothing happened. He ran
forward and went, "Stab, stab," but nothing happened. He ran
back and went, "Lob, lob," but nothing happened. Finally he
walked up to the enemy and siad, "You're not playing fair. I
went `Bang, bang' and `Stab, stab' and `Lob, lob' and you
haven't fallen dead!
The enemy responded, "Rumble, rumble, I'm a tank!"

This is the Fertilizer Club. It will not cost you a
cent to join. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address
at the top of this list and shit in their garden. You will
not be the only one there, so don't be embarrassed. Then,
make five copies of this letter and send or give them to your
friends who appreciate Organic Gardening. You will not
receive any money or checks, but within one week, if this
chain is not broken, there will be 9,916 people shitting in
your garden. Your reward will come next summer when you have
the most productive garden in your neighborhood.

1. Mr. Will E. Krapp 5. Mr. Smelly B. Hind
1422 Enema Way 4766 Die Rea Way
Stewsburg, Mass. Loosely, Va.

2. Mrs. Luce Bowls 6. Mrs. C. Howie Phartz
30 Bedpan Ave. 875 Rectum Road
Poopie, Ill. Gas Pain, Col.

3. Mr. Hem E. Roids 7. Mr. Bigger Movements
12 Piles Drive 2745 Fertilizer Way
Fartford, Wis. Pooptown, Ind.

4. Mr. A. S. Hole
Dark Hollow Drive
Colon, Wash.

Guy says to his friend, "My wife says your head feels just like
her ass." Friend reaches up, feels his head and says, "You know,
she's right!"

Old lady says to her husband, "For heavens sake, zip up your fly,
it's open." Husband replies, "No problem, dead birds don't fall
out of their nests."

Did you hear about the polish helicopter pilot?
He was cold so he shut the fan off.

What goes VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH?
A pollack trying to go through a blinking red light.

How do you get 100 babies in a telephone booth?
Blender.

Does a bird's circumcision yield WING TIPS?

Not tonight, Chekov, I have an earache.

Rebel Without A Clue...

There were these three unemployed guys, Leroy (a black), Chico (a
Mexican), and Stosh (a Pole). They lived together on their welfare
checks in a tiny apartment. One day, a letter came for them from the
Welfare people telling them to report to the state employment office or
they would lose their welfare payments. To make a long story short,
Stosh was offered a job loading frozen shrimp at the docks. it was a
good job, too. Being unionized, it paid $22/hour.
When he got home, Stosh told Chico: "Wake me at 5:30 because I have to
be at work at 6:30 and the foreman that hired me told me I must not be
late!"
That night, after Stosh fell asleep, Chico and Leroy were complaining
about the obvious discrimination. "They only hired him because he's
white" said Leroy. Then they hatched a clever plan to prove that Stosh
was hired because of his race. They got black shoe polish and covered
Stosh's face to make him appear black.
The next morning, Chico woke Stosh at 6:00 and told him to rush because
it was a 1/2 hour late. When Stosh got to the docks, the foreman asked
him who he was. Stosh told him he was the new employee. "You can't be"
said the foreman. "You're black and the man I hired was white."
"But I'm white" protested Stosh. The foreman said "If you don't believe
me, go into the men's room and look in the mirror".
Stosh did that and when he saw his face he exclaimed: "Goddamn Mexican
woke up the wrong guy!"

A manufacturer of electric light bulbs was talking to the owner
of a theater. "I'd like to supply you with bulbs for your marquee,"
the manufacturer said, "and it wont cost you a cent. It will enable me
to realize a lifelong ambition."
"If I accept the free bulb," the curious theater man asked,
"will you tell me about this ambition of yours?"
"Sure," the man said. "It's just that I've always dreamed of
seeing my lights up in names."

Ї1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Of course they do, Uncle Sam.

Ї2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
Only one. When he was born.

Ї3. Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?
All the months (kid joke).

Ї4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's
sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
Because the beggar is a woman.

Ї5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
Because he is still alive. But this is only a technicality. We
Canadians would love to bury a Yankee dead or alive.

Ї6. How many outs are there in an inning?
6

Ї7. Is it illegal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
Why?
Heck almost anything is possible in California.

Ї8. Two men play 5 games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of
games. There are no ties. Explain this.
They did not play with each other.

Ї9. Divide 30 by half and add 10. What is the answer?
70

Ї13. If you have one match and you walk into a room where there is an
oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one
would you light first?
The Match!

Ї14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
Halfway.

Ї15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
hour. How long would the pills last?
90 minutes

Ї16. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 die. How many does he have left?
9

Ї17. How many animals of both sexes did Moses take into the Ark?
As many as would fit.

Ї18. A clerk in a butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
Meat.

Ї19. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
12

Ї20. What was the president's name in 1950?
The same as is now, George Bush.

Under the old apple tree.... is where she first showed it to me...
She showed me her spot and she called it a twat.. But it looked like an
asshole to me....

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the
best: The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability
to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and
his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his
claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to
challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed
neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and
swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

There were these two strings walking down the road when they
came to a bar. They decided to stop in and have a few
drinks. So they sat down at a table and noticed that they
were not going to be served. So the first string said that
he would go up to the bar and get a couple of beers.
First string: Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers.
Bar tender: Sorry, but we don't serve strings here.
So the first string returned to the table and informed the second string
of the problem. The second string said "no problem, I'll take care of
this." So the second string stood up, Frazzeled his ends a bit and tied
himself into a knot. He then walked up to the bar..
Second string: Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers.
Bar tender: Hey, aren't you a string?
Second string: I'm a frayed knot... they got the beers...

A butcher got along great with everyone in the
neighborhood except a mysterious swami. They hated each
other! One evening, the swami's pregnant wife had intense
cravings for liver, however, and the swami had to go into
his enemy's shop. "Give me a pound of liver," he said to the
butcher's clerk. The butcher whispered to the clerk from the
back of the shop, "Here's our chance to screw that no-good
bum." Pointing to the clerk's thumb, he said, "Weigh down
upon the swami's liver!"

This guy Fred is really in love with his girl friend Wendy, and decides to do
something special for her. He has her name tatooed on his weiner. Fred and
Wendy decide to take a trip to Jamaica in the Carribean. When they arrive
after their flight Fred has to go to the bathroom. He goes up to one of the
stalls and as he is going, this big black guy walks up to the next stall
and starts to pee too. Wouldn't you know this black guy has WENDY tatooed on
his weiner too. Fred asks the guy if his girlfriends' name is Wendy because of
his tatoo. The black guy says NO. When I'm excited it spells out Welcome
To Jamaica Man - Have a Nice Day.

Momma mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat
pounced in. Snatching up the kid Momma ran for the mousehole but it was
obvious she wasn't going to make it. Finally in desperation she whipped
around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat. The cat skidded to a halt
and ran away.
Momma mouse turned to her baby and said, "You see how important it is to
learn a foreign language!"

Laurel and Loren were this newlywed white couple that wanted to
raise black children, and set out to work. Nine moths later, the fruits
of there labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed,
Loren decided to ask a black friend of his why the couldn't have
black children.
The fellow took him aside and asked
"Is your penis at least 1 foot long?"
Loren said no.
"Is it at least 3 inches thick?"
Again Loren answered in the negative.
"Well there's your problem man! You let in too much light!"

-- Womens Libber Joke! --
There were three men, a smart man, a dum man, and Santa Clause
walking down the street. They saw a fifty dollar bill on the road.
Who picked it up?
The dum man--we know there is no Santa Clause and
there is no certainly no smart men.

I never met a man Will Rogers didn't like.

For New Year's, I gave up sex and lying.

She said, "I'll give you just one hour and forty-five
minutes to stop that!"

Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "Sorry.
We don't serve bears here" said the bartender. "I want a beer" says
the bear. "I can't serve you. It's not our policy" notes the
bartender. Getting angrier, the bear growls and smashes his paw on the
bar "I WANT A BEER!!!!!" "NO" shouts the bartender. In frustration,
the bear walks over to a lady sitting in a corner table. He eats her
whole (bones and everything). The bear walks back to the bar and grabs
the bartender). "I WANT A BEER" growls the bear. "We don't serve bears
on drugs" states the bartender.
"I'm not on drugs" replies the bear. "Yes you are" states the bartender
"That was a bar-bitch-you-ate!!

A foreigner came to the USA to get a job, he couldn't speak a word
of English. The employment counselor told him there were no job
openings for people who could speak no English, but if the man
would learn at least a couple of words, she would see what she
could find for him.
So the man went out to learn a couple of words of English, the
first place he went was a rocket launch-pad. When the rocket went
up, he got so excited, and was shouting and pointing, the other
spectators told him that was the take-off. All he could remember
was the word 'take-off' but he figured that was good for one.
The next place he went was a zoo. He saw all the animal exibits,
but he went back again and again to one certain cage. Eventually
he heard someone call the animal a zebra. He figured zebra was
good for the second word.
When he went back to the employment office, the counselor asked
him what he had learned. He answered "Take-off zebra."

Why do ballerinas wear tight outfits?
-So they don't stick to the floor when they do the splitz.

It seems that there was a couple who were going at it 69 style and
suddenly the wife let out a fart. The husband who isn't into it to begin
with looks up and says..."Thank God! A breath of fresh air!"

There were two brothers by the name of Jones, one was
married and the other one was single. It happened that John's
wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a
kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John
said " Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss,
you must feel terrible. John replied, "Well I am not a bit
sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start to the finish.
Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish and from the
time that I got her. She made water faster than anything. She
had a bad crack and a hole in the front--the hole got larger
every time I used her and she leaked like everything; but here is
what happened."
Four guys asked if they could rent her for the night. I
warned them that she wasn't so hot but they said they would have
a go at her anyhow. The result was that the fools tried to get
into her all at once and it was too much for her and she split
right up the middle. Before Joe could say another word about his
boat, the old lady fainted on the spot.

STOMP OUT AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR!

Three men were in a balloon. They got caught in a storm and after
being tossed about, they got lost. When the storm calmed down, they
eventually floated passed a man on the ground. They yelled "Where
are we?" The man replied "You are in a balloon". One of the men in
the balloon turned to the others and said "that man is obviously a
lawyer". How can you tell?, the two asked. "It's easy, the
information he gave is totally accurate, and completely useless".

A new bride, being very pure and innocent was quite nervous about
her honeymoon night. That evening they were staying upstairs from her
mother and wwhen bed time came and her husband took off his shirt
the nervous newlywedd ran down to her mother screaming, "Mother, Mother
his chest is all hairy". Mother calmley replied, "Just go back
upstairs relax and do what he says."
She returned upstairs and her husband removed his pants. She saw
his hairy muscular legs, again she darted downstairs yelling, "mother
Mother, his legs are all bumpy and hairy." "relax", advised her mother,
"just go back upstairs and do what he tells you." Well once again
she returned upstairs only to notice this time that her husband
had lost 1/2 of his left foot in an accident. Down the stairs she ran
screaming "Mother, Mother, he only has a foot and a half."
"wait here, I'll be back in awhile." her mother said.

How do they take a census in poland?
Flood the cellars!

Howcan you tell the bride and groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the clean bowling shirt - she's the
one with the hair under her arms braided!

1) There once was a man with blonde hair
who was fucking a girl on the stairs
the banister broke
but he doubled his stroke
and finished her off in mid-air

2) There once was a man from Alberdeen
who invented a jerking machine
on the twenty-fith stroke
the damn thing broke
and beat his balls to a cream

3) There once was a man from New York
who's tool was as dry as a cork
when he attempted to screw
his tool broke in two
and now his tool is a fork

4) the cabin boy, the captian's joy
a cunning little nipper
they stuffed his ass with broken glass
and circumsized the skipper

So this Oriental guy goes to the eye-doctor for an examination.
The doctor takes a look and says "You have cataracts, don't you?"
The guy replies, "No, a Rinken Continental!"

A preacher walking down the sidewalk sees a little boy playing
with a a little bottle of turpintine. The preacher says "Well,
hello there son, what have you got there?". The little boy says
"This here sir, is the most powerful liquid in the world.". The
preacher looks at the bottle and says "Oh no son, that cannot
be the most powerful liquid in the world. The most powerful
liquid in the world is holy water. If you take a couple of drops
of holy water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll
pass a baby girl.". The little boy thinks about this for a
minute, perks up and says "Well ah heck, that ain't nothin. You take
a couple of drops of this and rub it it on a cat's ass and it'll
pass a motercycle!".

Q: What's the definition of an Italian virgin?
A: A twelve year old that can run faster than all her brothers.

They have all sorts of new services these days. Now they have a
dial a prayer for Athiests! You call a number - and nobody
answers.

Three Athiests were trying to bother a young Baptist minister.
"I think I will move to Nevada," said the first athiest, "only
twenty-five percent of the people there are Baptists."
"No, I think I'd rather live in Colorado," said the second man,
"only ten percent of the people are Baptists."
"Better yet," said the third athiest,"is New Mexico...only five
percent there are Baptists."
"I think the best place for you all is Hades," said the
minister. "There are no Baptists there!"

Overheard: "I'm an athiest, thank God!"

Athiests are really on the spot; they have to sing "Hmmmmmm bless
America!"

As I heard it ( to the tune of the song )
By the shade of the old apple tree,
That's where she first showed it to me.
It was hairy and black,
And she called it her crack,
But it looked like a manhole to me.......

There was a big party going on in the local mental hospital. It was a
big event, and one of the local doctors had been invited to tour the
grounds during the festival. When the doctor arrived, things seemed to
be going nicely, and the doctor decided to take a personal
"unauthorized" tour of the grounds.
As the doctor began to explore within the hospitals grounds, he began to
notice that the patients were all getting this celebration with everyone
else.
The doctor first discovers a man, who is buck naked, and painted red
from head to toe. The doctor asks the man "why are you red?"
The man replies "I am angry! I am angry that people can do things and
I'm stuck in here. I am angry that Bush is president, and that Quayle
is in office! I am angry at everything!!!!!"
The doctor not wanting to draw attention to himself immediately began to
walk away from this ranting angry man. Then he approached a man painted
green. This guy was a bit more composed, even though he was buck naken
like the mad man. The guy immediately looked at the doctor and said
"I'm green with envy! I am envious of you and your freedoms, the fact
that you have a life and I do not, the fact that I don't have a car, and
that my wife and kids left me! I am envious of everyone because they
own what I can never have...sob...sob..."
The doctor immediately began a retreat from this sorry excuse for a
patient and promptly walked into tall black man, who was buck naked and
happened to have a pear hanging off the end of his penis.
The doctor immediately responded with "Oh, excuse me, my gosh, what's
your problem?"
The man responded in a quiet, distant voice- "I'm fucking dis' pear."

A newfie gets married one day. He goes home to his mother the next
day and declares that he's getting a divorce. His mother asks him
why and he says "she is a virgin" His mother replies "well I don't
blame you son, if she's not good enough for anybody else she's
certainly not good enough for you.

Did you hear about the newly wed newfies who didn't know the
difference between putty and vasaline?---Their windows fell out!

So this Gorilla walks up to a dairy bar and says, "I'd like a
vanilla milk shake, please."
The man at the counter makes one and gives it to him, the
gorilla puts a ten dollar bill on the counter. The man thinking
to himself, "What can a gorilla know about money?", returns 50›
to the gorilla. "You know, we don't get many gorillas here."
"No wonder - at $9.50 a shake!"

Get 'em by the balls,the heart and mind follow.

Military Laws:1.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

Murphy's Military Laws:2.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

Murphy's Military Laws:3.
Friendly fire ain't.

Murphy's Military Laws:4.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with
a map.

Murphy's Military Laws:5.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has
already mined it.

Murphy's Military Laws:6.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the
enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphy's Military Laws:7.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more
likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphy's Military Laws:8.
Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy's Military Laws:9.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

Murphy's Military Laws:10.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphy's Military Laws:11.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy's Miltary Laws:12.
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on
abandoned positions.

Murphy's Military Laws:13.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is
incoming friendly fire.

Murphy's Military Laws:14.
There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a
shot at you, and miss.

Murphy's Military Laws:15.
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out
of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

Murphy's Military Laws:16.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Cthulhu saves - in case he's hungry later.

Why did God create women ?
Because sheep can't type.

Like for example, do you know how to spot a newfie Word Processor? It's the
one with whiteout on the screen.

Did you know that on the bottom of newfie coke bottles it says "Open other
end"!

When Canada came out with the $1 looney coin, they had to recall them from
NewFoundland because they kept trying to break the coins open to get the
chocolate out.

There was a man renowned for orgasming television sets. When he died, he
put into a museum of oddities. One day, a visitor inquired of her tour guide
'Does he COME cable ready?'

Profanity? I don't #$%$#^#^# use it!

Coming home early from work yesterday, I saw a neighbor jogging, nude,
down the street.
I said -- "How long have been doing this nude jogging"
He said -- "Since you came home from work early."

An Englishman, Spaniard, Frenchman, and German were having a drink in a
garden. A butterfly swooped down and sat on the edge of the table.
"Ah, a butterfly", said the Englishman, "What a lovely name for such a
delicate, beautiful creature".
"In my country, it's papillon", said the Frenchman, "the word just rolls
off the tongue -- papillon".
"Well, we call the lovely creature a mariposa", said the Spaniard,
"mariposa".
The German replied: "Und vat ist wrong mit Schmetterling!".

Friend of mine walking was supposed to meet a friend in a seedy joint.
Went in, and there were a bunch of guys (including my friend's friend)
shooting up and passing around the needle.
My friend said "Jeez, guys, don't you know that you can get AIDS from
sharing needles?"
One of the guys looks up and says "It's OK - we're all wearing condoms".

Jewish Doggie style sex: he sits up and begs for it, she rolls over
and plays dead.

Little Mike came in from school one day, and asked "Mom, if big
people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats,
why can't big trains have little train"? His mom replies "I don't
know son, why don't you ask you're dad when he gets home".
His dad comes home and Mike asks "dad, if big people can have
little people, and big cats can have little cats,
why can't big trains have little train"? His dad replies, " I don't
know son, but I will try to find out for you".
The following Saturday Mike and his dad are driving to the store,
and they pull into a train station, Mikes dad says " son, do you
remember the question that you asked me the other day"? "Yes " says
Mike. Well why don't you go over and ask the train engineer.
So, Mike goes over and asks the train engineer,"Mr. train engineer,
if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little
cats, why can't big trains have little train"?
The train engineer thinks for a minute and then replies " well son,
I guess it is because big trains always pull out on time.

While fishing at Toho I was baiting my hook when two six foot tall
mosquitos alighted in front of me. I was so horrified, I was unable
to move. One of them said, "should we eat him here or take him back
home with us?" The other one said, "let's eat him here. If we take
him back, the big mosquitoes will take him away from us."

I saw this on a tee shirt yesterday.
Blown by Hugo...but still erect.

How do you get 29 newfies into a small car?
Throw in a can of beans.

No Beelzebub, I don't talk to demons.

Why did God create women ?
To give the sheep a rest.

What's white and red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.

Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
In case it dies, they can make soup.

What is 96?
69, the cost of eating out went up!

America, where you park on the driveway!

A Rabbi who lived in Peru,
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said,"Oye Vey! If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you."

Whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair!

I don't have no grammar difficulties.

What happens when a Keebler Elf throws up?
He tosses his cookies!

Since a lot of people have been passing out questionares, I thought I'd
it one of my own.

1) Are you a liar?
A) Yes B) No C) None of the above

2) Do you fill out questionnares correctly?
A) Yes B) No C) None of the above D) I refuse to answer.

3) Have you ever committed adultery?
A) Yes B) No C) None of the above D) I refuse to answer.
If the answer is A or D, answer number 4.
4) Who did you commit adultery with? Please give her name and number.

5) In your opinion, are these questionnares a waste of time?

6) Are you:
A) Sexually Active B) A Married Person C) A Nun D) Sterile
7) Seriously: Which came first: the TV or TV stations?

8) Rhetorical: Is that understood young man?

9) Are you a drug dealer? Please list your sales for the last 3 months.

10) Are you a pimp?

Catch a breath of morning exhaust fumes.

Japanese visitor goes to a bank in Britain just as it opens and asks to
change Yen into Pounds.
"I'm sorry, Sir, but you'll have to come back after 12noon, as our
computers are down and we don't have the exchange rate yet," said the
teller.
"But want to change Yen to Pounds", replied the visitor.
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to return after noon," said the teller.
"Need to change Yen to Pounds", insisted the visitor.
"You don't understand ... we don't have the exchange rate yet, so I
can't change your money. Currency fluctuations, you see" replied the
teller.
"Currency Whaaaaaaaaaaa?" inquired the visitor.
"Fluctuations - Fluctuations" said the exasperated teller.
"Ah, fluc you British, too then" yelled the visitor as he stormed out of
the bank.

Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker?
A: The rooster says "Cock-a-doodle-do", and the hooker says "Any cock'll
do"

BAD LUCK IS BEING RUN OVER BY THE WELCOME WAGON

How many Noise Boys does it take to change a light bulb?
Way, WAY too many.

"Danek's abortions, you rape 'em we scrape 'em"
< Ring Ring<
"Hello."
"Hello, I'm selling New World Stocks, would you be interested in
buying any?"
"Pardon?"

"Pardon?"

"Pardon?"

"Pardon?"
"ARE YOU DEAF!?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, are you selling hearing aids? I don't want any."

(In an answering-device-like sound:)
"I'm sorry, but my telephone answering device is temporarily
out of order. You'll have to speak to me instead."

Is Judy there? (I have no idea who Judy is.)
No.
Well, when she comes in would you tell her Jack called?
Sure.
Bye.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Roseanne's fiance had too much crack...

I was driving down the road the other day, when all of a sudden this
Doritos truck swerved across the center line and hit me head on! You
should have heard the crunch! I got out to survey the damage, when all
of a sudden, the truck driver popped out. It was Jay Leno! He said,
"Don't worry, we'll make more!"

I once worked with a guy who had great messages on his machine. For
example:
1 - (game of pool in background) "Hi, this is Rich. I'm way too busy
to answer the phone now, so leave a message." (in background -
"Hey Rich, its your break!")
2 - Same message as 1, but with his girlfriend moaning and panting in
3 - (My favorite)
Answering Machine - "Hello"
Caller - "Hi, Rich. This is..."
A.M. - "Hello"
Caller - "Rich, This is..."
A.M. - "Hello... Is there anyone there..."
Caller - "HELLO! RICH! HEY RICH!!! IT'S ME!!!"
A.M. - "HELLO... Oh yeah, this is my answering machine... Please
leave a message at the beep.... BEEP"

In God We Trust... All others pay cash...

Why did the hacker pour beer into his SmartModem?
He wanted to make his "Baud Wiser!"

Is Dennis Hayes the "chairman of the baud?"

"Morrison's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!"

"I'm sorry, Kathy can't come to the phone right now...
...she's got my dick in her mouth."

Let me tell you some more about your mother.

Q: Did you hear that Doritos is going to form a partnership with
Chrysler?
A: Yeah, when you have a head on collision in a Chrysler a bag of
Doritos will pop out of the steering wheel. Then Lee Iacocoa
will walk up and say "Go ahead, crunch all you want, we'll make
more."

For that matter, don't forget everyone's favorite delicacy: .
BUFFALO FETUS

What is: black, white and red?
A Nun in a blender.

What do you call a Nun in a blender?
A Twisted Sister!

Danek's body shop.
You rape 'em, we scrape 'em.
No fetus can beat us.
Get 'em while they're cold.

Bank error in your favor. Try and collect.

Several Englishman from the Middle Ages were discussing modems. They were
accusing eachother of BEING modems.
"Thy art a modem! I can see it clear as day!"
"No, You - art."

I once called my girl friend and when a man answered the phone
instead of her, I thought perhaps it was her boyfriend and said
`Bob??' He told me I had reached a wrong number. I apologised
and hung up. I dialed the number again, this time being *very*
sure I dialed the right number.
Again, a male voice answered, and, although it sounded like the
same voice as before, I wasn't sure, so I again asked `Bob?'
Alas, it was the *same* wrong number.
This was getting embarrassing, but I decided to try one more time.
I dialed the number again, making absolutely certain it was the
correct number. Guess what? The *same* male voice answered!
I apologised profusely for bothering him again. He replied,
`No problem', there was a pause, and he said `If you can't get
a hold of Bob, I'm not busy tonight.'

I once had a drunk call at about 1:30 AM:
"Hello, is Michelle there?"
"Sorry, you have the wrong number."
"WHAT? F*CK YOU! Put Michelle on the phone, asshole!"
"As I said, you have the wrong number."
"Up yours! Put "

Thirty seconds later, he called back, just as drunk.
"Hello, is Michelle there."
"Yes, but she can't come to the phone right now. She has my dick
in her mouth."

He never called back.

How ya going to do it? IBM Blue it!

Quayle: The DEL of Vice Presidents

MNP -- Melts in your mouth, not in your hands

Cross a BBS with a bordello, and you get a baudy house.

You know why the homosexuals won't be in a hurry to leave San
Francisco when the next earthquake hits?
They've already got their shit packed!

Define the universe. Give three examples.

"Hello?"
"Hi, I'm selling blah blah blah..."
"Sorry, I'm kinda busy now... gimme your home phone number, and I'll
call you back later."
"?!?!?! (flustered sounding): I don't conduct business from home!"
"Me neither (click)"

Did you here about the Homo that worked at the Fudge store on the
Boardwalk????
Yeah, he put the stuff in boxs.

This bran of humor should be oatlawed.

If you wish to know more, press CTRL-ALT-DEL

The other day I tried to tell my kid about the birds and the bees.
He told me about the butcher and my wife.

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A Bishop and a Congressman go to heaven, see, and they arrive at the
Pearly Gates and Saint Peter greets them and says that he's going to
give them immediate room assignments.
So, St. Peter hands the Bishop some keys and says, "Here you are --
the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, Mr.
Congressman, the keys to our finest penthouse suite!"
And the Bishop says, "Wait a minute. This is unfair."
And St. Peter says, "Look, Bishops are a dime a dozen up here, but
this is the first Congressman we've ever seen!"

An example of "Cat Programming:"
IF EMPTY(cat_dish) THEN FEED(cat);
IF ODOR(litter_box) > "Yuch"
THEN
REPLACE litter_box WITH fresh_litter
ELSE
cat_poop = cat_poop + 1

A computer salesman, a computer hardware engineer, and a computer
programmer were driving down the road, in the middle of nowhere,
when they got a flat tire. The salesman says, "The car is
defective. We have to swap the whole thing in for a new one."
The hardware guy says, "Let's change the tires around until we
see which one is flat." And the programmer says, "Let's just
drive on for a while. Maybe the problem will go away by itself."

Spam Kinison -- canned meat you'll SCREAM for!

Think "HONK" if you're a telepath.

Q: Know why all the really beautiful women hang around the guys
who are cruel, nasty and otherwise obnoxious?
A: Because theres just no end to those pricks!

Three nuns are in a car accident and they all die painfully. They then
go to the pearly gates and they each have to answer a question correctly
in order to pass.
Nun #1
Guy: Who was the guy with the big boat???
Nun: Ahhh,ahh, Noah.
Guy: Right! You may enter!
Nun #2
Guy: Who was the small dude???
Nun: ahhhh,ahhhh, David.
Guy: Right! You may enter!
Nun #3
Guy: What did adam say to eve in the back seat of their 57' Chevy???
Nun: Ahhhhhh, ahhhhha,ahhh-- That's a hard one!
Guy: Right! You may enter!

Two babies were born in the same hospital about the same time.
They were placed side by side in the nursery for a couple of
days before going home, never to see each other again.
By a miraculous coincendence, when they were 83 years old with only
a few days to live, they wound up side by side in a semi private
hospital room. After a few minutes had passed, one of the men
turned to the other and said ...
Well, what did you think?

A judge in Petersborough, Ontario, upheld the eviction in June of a female
college student from her apartment because of neighbors' complaints that she
moaned too loudly during sex. One neighbor said the sound lasted up to an
hour per session, with up to three sessions a night.

Preston Ashley, 37, was wounded on New Year's morning in Greenville, S.C., by
police who had gone to protect his wife, Linda Ashley, who had been beaten.
The police officers were Randy Ashley and Jimmy Dean Ashley, joined later by
officer Rodney Ashley. None of the officers is related to Preston or Linda.

When the ant saw the anteater he bugged out.

Old Hippies never die -
They just "flash back".

How about Dead Cat logic?
Var
CatisDead : Boolean;
CatLife : Byte;
Procedure AttackCat;
Begin
While CatLife > 0 do begin
CatLife := CatLife - 1;
End;
CatisDead := TRUE;
End;
Begin
Repeat
AttackCat;
Until CatisDead;

This nun walked into a liqour store. She walked up to the cashier
and said, "Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?"
The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ."
"Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted.
"But Sister, I just . . ." The Cashier was again interuppted.
"Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes."
"Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked.
"Yes."
"Oh . . . Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just
couldn't charge any money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of
whiskey.
She walked off with the bottle.
About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold,
as he was walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side
of the street, weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song.
The cashier called out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for
medical purposes!!"
The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is
constipated, and when she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!"

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: .nun dednuow A

The Russian Express Card-- don't leave home!

What's black and white and red and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear in her chest.

What's black white black white black etc...?
A nun rolling down a hill.

What's black white and laughing?
The priest who pushed her.

Hear about the bulemic chorus girl who worked the bachelor party?
The cake came out of her!

Hear about the cannibal that passed his sister in the woods?

Ever throw up your hands in disgust?
The cannibal threw up his sisters hands in disgust!

He wasn't gladiator!

A very old (ethnic) nun approaches the Pearly Gates and is met by
Saint Peter who greets her with "Why Sister Angelic, after such a
long devoted and virginal life the big guy says you can go back for
five years as anyone you would like." Sister Angelic responds "I
would be Aleksya Pipaleene!" Saint Peter says Aleksya Pipaleene I
don't think I know her. So Sister Angelic pulls a faded newspaper
cliping from her pocket which says:
ALASKA PIPELINE LAID BY 5000 MEN

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise.
A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this
curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up
and walks over to the proprietor.
"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it
before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor.
"Why?"
"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He
walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down
a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around,
he sees two rats following him down the path.
"That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster.
A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen
rats following him! He begins to break into a trot.
Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he
can.
After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks
over his shoulder...
Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him!
Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on
him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the
waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into
the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown!
The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to
find him empty-handed.
"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires.
"No, I've got just one question. Do you have one which is shaped like a
lawyer?"

Do you think if Pete Rose gets caught betting on games in the
prison softball league, they'll kick him out of the joint?

One day a mother with two daughters and one son was making cake and she
spilled BB's all over the dough. The BB's were so small that she couldn't
possibly pick them all out, so she decided to leave them in. After the
cake was done, it was servered as desert after lunch. After lunch all
of the kids went outside to play.
1/2 Hour later:
Daughter#1: Mommy,Mommy, I went to the bathroom and little BB's came poring
out!!
Mother: Oh don't worry, they won't hurt you, go on outside and play.
1/2 Hour later:
Daughter#2:Mommy,Mommy, I went to the bathroom and little BB's came poreing
out!!
Mother: Oh don't worry, they wont hurt you, go on out side and play.
1/2 Hour Later:

Son: MOMMY,.....
Mother: I KNOW, you went to the bathroom and little BB's pored out?
Son: NO, I was out behind the barn WACKING OFF and I shot the dog!!!

What kind of sex do celibate priests have?
Nun.

What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and blue?
A nun falling down a flight of stairs.

Bad habits? I have nun.

It's over when the fat lady sits on your faceя

WARNING! SEX-JOKE FOLLOWS BELOW!

BELOW
SEX-JOKE

Jennifer Connor, 18, a New York woman with a high hairdo, was diagnosed in
November with hearing loss and a "serious" ear infection. Her physician said
her ears were clogged with hair spray.

Foul-weather deaths of animals in the San Diego Zoo are down in 1990 from a
high of 35 last year. The leading cause of death was sexual accidents.

Q: What's black, white and red and does 5000 rpm?
A: A Nun in a blender!!

These 3 guys go up to see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter
looks through his little not book, and tells them that they're not
expected. He asks him to explain what they're doing there.
The first guy says: "Well, for a long time I've suspected my wife
of having an afair. Every day, when I get back and ask her what she did
all day she is very vague. She usually says something like "Oh, just
shopping". So, one day I came back early from work to catch her with
this other guy. I walked in, and searched the place. When I opened the
fridge, there he was. I was so mad, I picked up the fridge and threw it
and the guy over the balcony railing. Right after, I died of a heart
attack." Second guy: "Well, I was walking down the street one day,
when this lady walked up. We started talking, and it turned out that
she was tired of her husband and wanted to go out for dinner with
somebody younger. Things sort of progressed from there; until one day I
was at her house when there were footsteps at the door. She pushed me
in the fridge. There were muffled voices, and then I was falling.
That's the last I remember." Third guy: "Well sir, I'm not really sure
what happened. All I knowis I was on my way to my car to leave for work
when I happened to look up. There was this refridgerator heading
rightfor me! That's the last I remember."

ACRO.BAT LOONY.BIN
BACK.PAK MEETMY.SYS
BASEBALL.BAT NEXTUP@.BAT
BELFRY.BAT NOAHS.ARC
BIG.DIC NON.COM
BIRTHDAY.GIF OLD.BAT
BOWLING4.$$$ ORG.ASM
BRONX.ZOO OSMO.SYS
CASEY@.BAT PANTS.ANS
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COMM.BAT PLEASE.ASC
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FIRST/SECOND/THIRD.BAS SEA.GL
FRUIT.BAT SIT.COM
FUDGE.PAK SNEEZING.CFG
GIMMEA.ZIP SOMIN.EXE
GO-ON-A.DAT SUITCASE.PAK
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HAD-MY.FIL UN.ZIP
HELI.ARC VAMPIRE.BAT
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HIT_HIM.BAK WAITAND.C
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IMGONNA.COM WHO.DAT
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JOANOF.ARC WOM.BAT
KINGDOM.COM YOU-R-IT.TAG
LINCOLN.LOG ZOOBILEE.ZOO

"Q: Dear Smithy,
I just purchased a box of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes and a box of Post
Corn Flakes. What kind of cereal interface is needed?
-- Anthony "Tony" Tiger
P.S. - A prompt answer would be GRRRRRRRREAT!"

"A: Remember that a cereal interface need to monitor its
throughput
to maintain a constant mass, not a constant volume. These things are,
after all, sold by weight and not by volume, and relying on bran names
is not altogether appropriate. "To maintain a constant flow of
mass, the cereal interface must properly address the needs of the source
cereal as well as the destination cereal. The throughput efficiency of
a cereal interface is often controlled by a "Mikey" protocol. If Mikey
likes it, the mass will pass without further modification.
"If you must pass the mass from one form to another,
significant modifications must be introduced. This becomes obvious
when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle standard must interface with
the older Count Chocula standard. The Chocula standard has
difficulty sucking the information out of non-human forms. Captain
Crunch would serve as a much better source in this case. Such a
difficult transfer, if not properly handled, will create a
distortion bandwidth approximating the Frankenberry distribution.
"The optimized transfer of cereal information must be
accomplished bit by bit inbite-sized chunks. This is necessary to
make sure the the 19 influences of the cereal interface promulgates
the Special K factor that provides part of a balanced breakfast.
"If too much information tries to go through the cereal
interface, a 'puffed' condition will occur. In this case, the base
cereal will be able to float longer in milk without losing its
fibrousand crunchy texture -- a particularly sticky problem when
dealing with the hot cereal standards.
"What we need is an international component cereal interface
standard. Standards like Lucky Charms and Trix already are paving
the way with their multicolored component parts. Now we need to
invent a process that will keep each component separated thoughout
the cereal interface process. That's the only way we can keep it a
regular world."
(The writer, C. Cecil Smith, is a consulting television
engineer from Dallas, TX.)

A Greyhound bus was travelling up the Eastern Seaboard when a man in the
back of the bus whispered to the people in front of him "Dere's a bm in
the baroom." The word passed quietly and quickly from the back of the
buss to the front of the buss..."Shhhh There's a bomb in the
bathroom."... The bus driver pulled the bus into the emergency lane and
opened all doors. He quietly announced "Theres a bomb in the
restroom.. Everyone please get out as quickly as possible"
They evacuated the bus, and the driver flagged down a Jersey State
Patrolman, who had the road closed, and the people were evacuated about
1/2 mile away from the vehicle, out of harm's way.
The police bomb sniffing dog arrived to examine the scene, and led the
officers back to the restroom, where an old man was quietly hiding. He
smelled terrible, and was apparently homeless.
The police took this news back to the driver and passengers 1/2 mile
away, telling everyone that there was just an old homeless guy in the
rest room. About that time the old fellow from the last seat started
breaking in... "I was trying to tell you.. There was a Bum in the rest
room... Not a bomb.... A Bum...."

BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN BECAUSE.......
A good beer is never flat.
A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.
With beers you'll never find pantyhose in your gym bag.
After you've put your lips to a beer,
a beer never says "What are you doing?"
If your preference for a type of beer changes,
you don't have to get involved with lawyers.
Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.
A beer tastes good after 3 hours of tennis.
You can bring a beer on a fishing trip without having to
listen to it bitch about the mosquitoes.
You don't have to drive a beer home at 3 o'clock in the morning.
You can have a beer on your lunch hour.
A beer will never say "It's only a small dent" or make you
trade in your motorcycle for a station wagon.
A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.
A beer doesn't make you sleep on the couch after
you've taken six other beers on a picnic.
A beer never wants to stay up afterwards talking about respect.
You never have to take your beer shopping.
Beers won't call your duck decoys "cute," giggle at your
golf clothes, or ask what inning it is on 4th down.
A beer doesn't make you feel inadequate if you can't get it opened.
A beer doesn't notice if you get turned on by another beer.
A beer will never turn your bathroom into a laundry room
or your bedroom into a beauty parlor.
A beer will never switch channels from
"All Star Wrestling" to "General Hospital."
You never have to convince a beer you are working late.
Beer never bugs you to have little beers.
At singles bars, a beer won't drop you for someone
with an accent in a flashy outfit.
Beers don't notice if you are inexperienced.
Beers don't complain about being fondled.
You don't have to explain ten times to a beer why
a going to a nude beach is better than the opera.
A beer doesn't complain about the way you pop its top!
You always know if you're the first to pop a beer.
You can always get head from a beer.
You can enjoy a beer all month.
You don't have to buy dinner for a beer,
but you can buy beer for your dinner.
When your beer is flat you toss it.
Beer labels come off without a fight.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
A beer always goes down smooth and easy.
After you have a beer it's worth at least 5 cents.
A Beer doesn't care when you come.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
Beer doesn't demand equality.

Oat bran is the perfect substitute for oat bran.

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take
in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past
the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his
wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he
said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he
does?"
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she
took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started
grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off
all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape
really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran
around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his
wife in. "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a
headache!"

A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went
to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest
girl in the house.
"That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll
send her up."
"Fine,"said the lumberjack,"and tell her to bring a couple of
beers."
In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on
the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands
and knees and pointed to her pussy.
"No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the
old-fashioned way!"
"Sure,pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open
them beers first."

Tired of the boring "straights" she'd been laying, a chick decided
she'd find out if bikers were really the heavy "cocksmen" that she
heard they were. So she picked up a gigantic bro and went went with
him up to his pad. Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real
action, she was astonished to see that his fully erect crank was
only two inches long.
"Who," she demanded scornfully,"do you think you're gonna satisfy
with that?"
Grinning confidently, the bro replied,"Me!"

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty
advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I
demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the
dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled
hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he
asked, with a hint of a smile."
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so
kind as to please pass the pussy."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but
succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and
decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the
door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed
of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut
out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and
yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was
wonderful. You should be a doctor!"
The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his
back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law.
Smell his fingers!"

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was
nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell
happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,"
replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down
to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what
he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and
then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance
by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was
dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his
wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and
covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you
about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
you!"

One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his
youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous
salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a
doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's
perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him.
"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man
and can pay you anything."
"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do.
However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help."
"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.
"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you
how to hold it without pissing in your face."

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a
friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I
just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to
live with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same
table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my
wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

There was this black boy in first grade, and all his white classmates made
fun of him and said his pecker was twice as big as their's becuase he was
black. This constant teasing upset him, so the black first grader went home
and told his mama, "All my white classmates tease me and say my pecker is
twice as big as their's cuz I'm black, is that true?" His mama said;" No
son, it's not because you're black,....... it's cuz you're NINETEEN!

If you like sex and travel, go take a fuckin' hike

What did Quayle say when his wife blew in his ear?
Answer: "Thanks for the refill."

Wonder why Bush does not take his Vice-president Hunting?
He likes to shoot Quail!

Why did God develop armidillos?
So Aggies could have possum on the half shell.

A missionary went to deepest, darkest Africa to win some
converts. He took several cases of Dr Pepper with him as gifts.
Unfortunately, he was killed by cannibals and cooked for
dinner. They'd eat a leg and have a Dr Pepper, eat an arm and
have a Dr Pepper, eat a rib and have a Dr Pepper and so on until
all that was left was the missionary's "Thing" which they didn't
eat. Do you know why? Because "Things go better with Coke".

Two missionaries go to deepest, darkest Africa to win some
converts. They get captured by an angry tribe and thrown into a
bamboo cage. The chief takes the first one out of the cage and
explains that people accused of trespassing have the choice
between two punishments, Bula-Bula or Death. The missionary,
not wanting to die, chooses Bula-Bula. The chief announces to
the crowd that the decision is for Bula-Bula and the biggest
warrior of the tribe steps up and performs un-natural sex-acts
on the missionary and then sets him free. The chief takes the
second missionary from the cage and asks him which punishment he
would prefer and the missionary, preferring to die rather than
be violated, chooses Death. The chief anounces to the crowd
"The prisoner has chosen Death... By Bula-Bula!".

A dog goes into a bank, walks up to the loan officer, one Miss Patricia
Wack, and proclaims that he needs to borrow some money. Well, this
flusters Miss Wack a little so she starts asking questions trying to
disqualify him. Finally she asks if he's got any colateral and in
response he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little ivory elephant.
Now she doesn't know what to say so she goes over to the president of the
bank and explains the whole thing.
He says "Well, does he have any colateral?". She shows him the ivory
elephant. And he says "That's a knick-knack Patty Wack, give the dog a
loan!"

Did you hear that Richard Gere visited the hospital AGAIN?
He had to have a mole removed.

Why'd the Aggie put ice-cubes in his rubber?
To keep the swelling down.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.

What's worse in the morning then finding a dead skunk on the piano?
Waking up in the morning and finding a diseased beaver on the organ.

And now. Why didn't Merry Christmas have any kids?
Cause Santa had popcorn balls.

Here about the little buck bunny trying to convince the little doe bunny?
Aw, come on. It won't hurt, now did it?

How do you make love to a fat woman?
Slap her on the thigh and ride the first wave in.

This guy is golfing alone early in the morning. He lines up his tee shot,
swings, and horribly shanks the ball. The ball careens out of bounds and
hits a kid riding a skateboard square on the noggin. The kid falls under
a passing Buick, which promtly runs over the kid and sideswipes a
schoolbus, sending it violently into the convent across the street.
The golfer is understandably horrified. He looks around the empty golf
course and runs to the club house to get some help.
The golfer grabs the golf pro by the arm and starts yelling, "Oh my God!
I sliced my drive and it hit a kid and he got run over and I killed a
busload of kids and a bunch of nuns! What am I gonna do!?!?!?"
The golf pro calmly looks at the golfer and goes, "Keep your head down,
your left arm straight and follow through."

A fisherman's wife wanted to get him something for his birthday, but
only had $25. She goes to a department store and picks up a Rod that
costs $15 and a reel that costs $10, and struggles with the decision and
finally slips a spool of line under her blouse. As she lays down the rod
at the checkout, it rolls off the counter... as she bends over to get pick
it up, out pops the spool and she breaks wind...
The Clerk says, alright, thats $15 for the rod, $10 for the reel, $3.50
for the line and $4.50 for the duck-call wherever you have that hidden.
(as told by a banking consultant at one of those seminars)

Did you hear about the cereal Mike Tyson and Robin Givens have put out?
It's called "NUTTIN' BITCH".

This GI gets sent overseas and gets one of the ladies pregnant. He tells
her he has to go back to his wife now that the war is over, but he'll pay
for the baby. Just use the code word "sauerkraut" when the baby is born
so he knows when to send the cash. A few months later, his wife calls him
at work and says they just received the strangest telegram...it read:
Sauerkraut, sauerkraut, sauerkraut; two with wieners, one without.

It was recently said that a lawyer was fishing in the Atlantic, when a
sudden swell threw him into the water. A school of man-eating sharks
immediately converged on him, but they lifted him out of the water, and
carefully swam him to the shore, where he waded out of the water. He
turned, and asked them why they had saved his life instead of eating him
alive. One of the sharks smiled, and said
"Professional Courtesy!"

T H E P L A N
-----------------
In the Beginning was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the Darkness was upon the face of the workers
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Section Chiefs and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Section Chiefs went unto the Branch Chiefs
And sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Branch Chiefs went unto their
Assistant Commissioners and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its
strength."
And the Assistant Commissioners spoke among themselves,
saying one to another,
"It contains that which promotes plant growth,
and it is very strong."
And the Assistant Commissioners went unto the Deputy
Commissioners and
sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Deputy Commissioners went unto the Commissioner
and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficency
of this
Agency, and in these Areas of Particular."
And the Commissioner looked upon "The Plan"
And saw that it was good, and "The Plan" became Policy.

GENERAL MOTORS RESEARCH ANOUNCES DISCOVERY OF NEW ELEMENT
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by GM
Research physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has
no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of zero. However,
it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons andd
111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These
312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact
with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium
caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would
have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a
normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not
actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant
neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after
each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories inidcates that Adminstratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can
usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained
buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium in known to be toxic at any
detectable level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive
reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to
determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising.

Two guys walk into a resturaunt to get a bite to eat. It's one of those
24 hour joints that will serve any meal at any time. One guy says to the
other, "I think I'm gonna have special #3, the tongue of beef. The other
guy says, "God, that's absolutely gross, how can you eat something that
comes out of the mouth of an animal? The first guy says, "Well, I just
thought that I'd try something different. What are you gonna eat?"/
The second guy says, "I'll have some eggs".

The reason they bury politicians 26 feet under is because deep down
they're nice guys.

We the willing,
Led by the unknowing,
Are doing the impossible,
For the ungrateful.
And have done so much
With so little
For so long,
That we are now capable of doing anything
With nothing.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
-- A doberman.

This lady goes to see her doctor for a physical. After the
examination, the doctor tell's the lady she is perfectly healthy except
for this peculiar rash on her chest, shaped like the letter "Y".
She explains, "My husband went to Yale, and when we make love, he
like's to wear his letterman's sweater, and I get a rash."
Time goes by, another woman comes for a physical, same thing.
Perfectly healthy except for a peculiar rash on her chest shaped like the
letter "H".
The woman explain, "My husband went to Harvard, when we make love, he
likes to wear his letterman's sweater, and I get an "H" shaped rash.
Still more time passes. Another woman arrives for a physical. Again,
perfectly healthy, except for a rash shaped like the letter "M" on her
chest.
This time the doctor speaks. "Your physical went okay, you are in
perfect health, and I'll bet by the shape of that rash, I can tell you
something about your husband...He went to Michigan State didn't he ?"
"Why no" she says, "He went to Wisconsin...why do you ask?"

Did you hear about the young doe who staggered from the woods after
one of her regular libidinous sessions? As she staggered up to her other
doe friends, she said "I'll never do that for ten bucks again!"

Whats the difference between sheep and women?
Sheep can't cook!

Did you hear what Quayle said when the reporters asked him about the
resignation of Justice Brennan?
"That's too darn bad. I always liked the guy, even before he was on
the Court. I just keep hoping they'll start rerunning "The Real McCoys"
on cable -- Brennan's best work, for my money."

There were the usual four couples on the Dating Game (Cable was out so I
couldn't get CNN). I won't try to re-produce the actual order of the
contestants involved -- it ads unessesary confusion to what happened.
QUESTION: What's the most embarasing thing your husband does in the
bedroom?
WIFE #1: He wears my underwear. (As the audience laughs, there is a rustle
as divorce lawers get their cards ready.)
WIFE #2: He picks his nose. (Or something harmeless like that.)
Then they bring the husbands out.
QUESTION: Gentlemen, what do you think your gave as the answer to this
question: What is the most embarrasing thing you do in the bedroom?
HUSBAND #1: Um...I pick my nose. (EHHHHHHHH. Wife holds up card saying
"Wears her underwear.)
HUSBAND #2: (Well, might as well get the points, he thinks.) I wear her
underwear. (EHHHHHHHH. Wife holds us card saying, "Picks his nose.")
This is much funnier if told in person. Point is, the first guy can at
least get mad at his wife. But the second guy has no one to blame but
himself.

"Bachelor number 1, please fill in the blank: I can
never eat ______ without getting it all over my face."

QUESTION: Where was the first place you and your wife made whoopee?"
ANSWER: Wr fc dwvv! -- Code!

i heard that someone was on the newlywed game and they asked "where is the
oddest place you two made whoopie?"
she replied, "that would be in the butt, bob!"

Guide: "This castle has stood here for 600 years. Not a stone has been
touched; nothing altered, nothing replaced."
Visitor: "They got the same landlord I got."

Marriage is proof that people can take a joke.

Don't ignore the panhandler who asks you for a dime for a cup of coffee.
Give it to him. Then follow him and find out where they still sell coffee
for a dime.

It's getting so you can't look at the right-hand side of the menu without
losing your appetite.

What do you get if you cross a badger with a ground hog?
Six more weeks of bad football.

A highly competitive foursome was going around the golf course on a
sweltering summer day. One of the group had a sun stroke -- and the
others made him count it.

The first thing a child learns when he gets a drum is that he'll never get
another one.

Income taxes could be a lot higher. Just think if everyone paid what they
thought they were worth.

You're getting old when you no longer avoid temptation. Tempation avoids
you.

The nurse was calling on her home-care patient, who was hard of hearing,
among other things. Looking at him, she exclaimed, "You have a
suppository in your ear!"
"Ahiah?" said the man as he cupped his ear.
"You got a suppository in your ear."
"Ahiah. Gotta speak louder."
After another try, the nurse pulled the suppository out of her patient's
ear and, pointing to it, said, "You had a suppository in your ear."
"Jeez," said the man, looking at the suppository. "Now I know where I put
my hearing aid."

Old Age? That is when it takes all night to do what you use to do all
night.

Many cars have tigers in their tanks, but there are even more that have
monkeys behind their steering wheels.

"Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was
Sunday."

"Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up, and I did not
find him until I started making the beds."

If the world is going to hell, why are we in such a confounded hurry to
get there?

Trouble with good advice is that we often learn how good it is after not
taking it.

A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw
a banner which welcomed him, the first 457 year old man. The lawyer was
confused. He said to St. Peter "I don't understand. When I died, I was
63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said "Why, you
must be 457 years old. We added up all the hours you billed your clients,
so you've got to be 457!"

What do you have if you bury 1000 lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A shortage of sand.

Three good ol' boy lawyers were driving the rural backroads in their
pickup truck one day, when they came across a huge hog ranch. They
noticed that one of the hogs had evidently escaped, but then tried to get
back through the fence and was stuck firmly, head inside the fence and
hind quarters out. The pig was wiggling furiously. One of the lawyers
said "I wish that pig was Dolly Parton!" The second lawyer said "I wishe
that pig was Racquel Welch!" The third lawyer said "I just wish it was
dark!"

Well, I tried it. To improve my health and the quality of my life, I gave
up booze, sex, rich foods, and late-night parties. It was the toughest
ten minutes of my life.

SIX PHASES OF A PROJECT
=========================
* Enthusiasm
* Disillusionment
* Panic
* Search For The Guilty
* Punishment Of The Innocent
* Praise And Honors For The Non-Participants

Hey everyone, I just saw a brand new Broadway show based on the
dictionary ---------------- it was a play on words.

What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows,
the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17
spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two
bullets?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

Ok, this big, ugly, mean looking cowboy walks into the bar with this
great big snapping turtle on his shoulder. He stomps up to the bar
and drinks three or four shots of red-eye, then says:
"I'm the meanest, ugliest cowboy in this whole county!"
Some guys at the bar chuckle.
"Ya don't believe me, huh? Well, I'll show ya all
just how mean I am!!!"
And the cowboy unzips his pants, drags out his rod, picks up the
snapping turtle and slaps it in the head a few times, then puts
the raucus reptile down at his waist.
You guessed it, the turtle clamps down on his maleness, and the
cowboy walks up and down the bar with this turtle hanging from his
sack. When the cowboy gets to the other side of the bar, he pokes
the turtle in the eyes, and the turtle lets go. The cowboy zips up
his pants, and says:
"OK - any of you milk drinking wimps want to try that???"
And someone in the back of the bar says (with a feminine slant):
"OK - but only if you promise not to poke me in the eyes..."

What's the best way to get a hold of a lawyer?
By the neck...

Why did the lawyer hang out at the train station?
Someone told him that's where the SOO Line was...

What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
There is none - they'll both screw you.

How do you know if a lawyer is lying to you?
It depends if he has opened his mouth...

What's the difference between an elephant and an lawyer's
head?
730 Pounds.
How do you make up the difference?
Force feed the elephant.

What's the easiest way to get away from a lawyer?
Buy a faster ambulance.

What should you do if you find three lawyers buried up to
their neck in cement?
Run and find some more cement!

What's a good example of a missed opportunity?
A bus-load of lawyers going over a cliff with one empty
seat.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer
by the side of the road?
The skunk has skid marks leading up to it.

Why do lawyers carry excrement in their wallets?
For identification.

A trial attorney and personal injury lawyer jump out of
airplane at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Who cares.

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 146?
The State Bar.

Did you hear about the Lawyer who thought asphalt was a
rectal problem?

Did you hear about the female lawyer that wanted to trade in
her menstrual cycle for a Honda?

Why would anyone have sex with a lawyer?
...you really want to get screwed...
OR ...you have no other way to time a three minute egg...
OR ...your'e tired of doing it with your own species.

A banker, an engineer and a lawyer were driving down a road
when suddenly, their car broke down. Seeing a farm house
near by, they decided to stop by and ask if they could sleep
over night while their car was being repaired. "Sure",
replied the farmer, "...but I only have two spare beds - one
of you will have to sleep in the barn." The engineer decided
that he would sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there
was a knock at the bedroom door. "I can't sleep in the barn
- there is a cow in the barn and I am Hindu." So, the banker
agreed to sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a
knock at the door: "I can't sleep in the barn - there is a
pig in the barn, and I am Jewish." The lawyer said "I know
what you're up to, but I'll go", and so the lawyer went out
the barn. Sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock
at the door - the cow and the pig.

This guy has the urge, and he isn't interested in a right handed
honeymoon. So he gathers up all his money ($18.00) and goes down to the
whore house.
The madam asks how much money he has - he says "$18.00!!!" but is
disappointed to learn that all the girls are busy, and usually won't even
LOOK at you unless you have $50.00.
"But" says the madam "old Hildegard may take you for $18.00..."
The john says "OK - I'm desperate - send her in!" So the john goes into
the room and strips. There comes a feeble knock at the door, and in steps
old Hildegard: a decrepit, wrinkled, smelly old woman with a hump in her
back.
"Gawd" the john says - I can't do it to YOU! The old woman says - relax,
how much money do you have - "$18.00, why?" - alright I'll take you, but I
can't do it like I used to ... you'll have to do it here -
...and she pops out her glass eye.
Suddenly, the john is overcome with second thoughts - "I can't do it
THERE!" Alas, the john was just tooo horny to say no. So he did it
- RIGHT THERE IN THE OLD EYE SOCKET!
and you know what? IT WAS THE BEST HE HAD EVER HAD!!!
So after he's done, he asks the old woman if he can come back next week
and maybe have some of the same...
The old woman says "...bring your $18.00 -- I'll keep an eye out for you!"

Hear about the Polish Hooker who catered only to Lepers?
She didn't make much money but she sure got a lot of tips!

Why did the leper go back to the showers?
He left his Head & Shoulders!

A man called his doctor and told him he had a problem with his wife -
she has a bowel movement at seven o'clock every morning.
"That's perfectly normal," the doctor said.
"But we don't get out of bed until nine!"

These two drunks at a bar go to the bathroom to take a leek. When they
are done, one of them forgets to zip up his fly. So after they sit
back down, one drunk says, "Hey I saw a snake sitting on that stool as
you sat down. As a matter of fact, I can still see it's head."
So he grabs a bottle, and smashes it onto the other man's penis.
"Hit it again," says the other man, "it just bit me."

The doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached in his pocket
and pulled out a thermometer.
"Damn," he muttered, "Some asshole has my pen."

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks!

Have you heard that Karen Carpenter's surviving brother, Richard, has
put out a new hit song?
It's called, "She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sister."

What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs!

Two perfect strangers were talking to each other. One of them said,
"If you were to wake up in the woods with vaseline smeared all over
your rear, would you tell anyone?" The other one said, "Of course
not!" The first man said, "Oh, then would you like to go camping?"

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

Why are pubic hairs curly?
You'd poke your eye out if they weren't!

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,
"Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going
to lose my focking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde
sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad
language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass
this month, I'm going to lose my focking car."

Three nuns got lost downtown and ran into some not so clean guys. They
go to the Mother Superior and the first nun says, "I saw this man's
penis what should I do?" Mother Superior says, "Go wash out your eyes
with holy water." The second nun comes up and says, "I touched a man's
penis what should I do?" Mother Superior says, "Go wash your
hands with holy water". While the first two nuns are cleansing
themselves with holy water the third nun shouts, "Stand aside I have to
gargle!"

Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are
confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into
heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun,
"Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh thats easy, that was
Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into
heaven. So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on
earth?" She says "Oh thats easy that was Eve." Same thing happens -
birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter says
to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits
and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing,
bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!

Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said one
clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said the
other. "What was her maiden name?"

What is the difference between an angry rooster and a lawyer?
In the morning a rooster gets up and clucks defiance.

Please help me find my lost dog. Here is his description:
One eye
Three legs
Ears chewed off
Broken tail
Recently castrated
Answers to the name "Lucky"

Why are Aggie women like a Hockey team?
Because they both shower after 3 periods.

did you hear about the new George Bush bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
It is full of right wings and assholes.

What has a thousand teeth and eats weinies? A zipper.

What do you call a gay Jew? A Heblew.

What's brown and full of holes? Swiss shit.

Where do you get virgin wool? From ugly sheep.

What do you call a man who puts his tool in another man's mouth?
A dentist.

An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight. He had just
removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs nudged him and
said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice." To avoid any trouble, the Israeli
did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes.
The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped down. The rest
of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the Israeli put on his
shoes and felt the squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs and said,"If there
is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will have to stop
spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will have to stop pissing in the
Arabs' orange juice."

Three doctors were talking about the amazing things being done in medicine. The
first said,"Six weeks ago a man came in after losing a hand in an accident just
as a car crash victim was brought in dead on arrival. I took a hand from the
dead man and sewed it on the worker's stump, and today he's out looking for a
job."
The second physician said,"That's not so amazing. Six months ago I gave a
blind man a pair of dead man's eyes, and today he's out looking for a job."
The third doctor said,"Neither of those cases tops this one. A year and a
half ago we took an asshole out of California, put it in the White House, and
today everybody is out looking for a job."

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a
scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The
attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the
light,slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his
fingers,adding,"But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"
The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels
like rubber."
The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The
attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely.
"Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it
is. Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."

Q: What's the difference between black pussy and a bowling ball?
A: You can eat a bowling ball!

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly
illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been
surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the
breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights
are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."

Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's
room, pissed,and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine
sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy,
in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to the
bathroom."
The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine. "Well,
I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to piss on our hands!"

Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked
him how it went. "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said."The second
night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times.
The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night,
nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to
the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out
to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll
goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her.
Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit,
man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
"Didn't you compliment her?"
"sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such
full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started
feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were
firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her
dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."
"What did you say?"
"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

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This supersedes all previous notices.

While making his Saturday Confession, this golfer told the priest,
"Father, I've used profanity and taken the name of the Lord in vain.
However, I only do it when I play golf, and then only when I get angry."
The priest said, "My son, you know I play golf, too. But I can't
imagine getting angry enough over a game to take the Lord's name in
vain. Can you give me an example?"
The golfer said, "Sure. Take this last Saturday. I hit this beautiful
tee shot on the 7th fairway -- dead center and about 290 yards. It hit
the only rock in the fairway, took a 90 degree carom, and flew into the
rough. But I didn't get angry over that."
"I went after the ball, and hit a marvelous iron that curved around a
tree and went directly towards the green. Imagine my surprise when the
ball hit a bird on the wing and dropped into a sand trap! But that
didn't make me angry either."
"I chipped it out of the trap, laying it but six inches from the cup
..." Whereupon the priest exclaimed, "Jesus Christ, don't tell me you
missed the fucking putt?!?

Clark Gable and the Pope died on the same day. Due to a celestial
bureaucratic snafu, the Pope was sent to hell. And Clark Gable went to
heaven.
The Pope, obviously in the wrong place, wasn't there five minutes before
he had convinced those in charge of the mistake. In the blink of an
eye, the Pope was whisked to the pearly gates. As he walked through the
portals, he encountered Gable coming out.
"I'm truly sorry about this, by son," said the sympathetic pontiff, "but
I've waited my whole life to kneel at the feet of the Blessed Virgin
Mary."
Gable flashed his world-famous grin. "Too late, padre," he said.

There was a man who died and went to Heaven. When he got there, he
noticed clocks all over the place, just ticking away. So he asked St.
Peter, "What are all those clocks for?" St. Peter said, "Oh, each clock
represents a person on earth; every time the person masturbates, the
clock moves ahead an hour." So the man said, "Well, where's Boy
George's clock?" St. Peter said, "That one is in the kitchen; we're
using it as a fan."

Three men (a Catholic, a Protestant and a Mormon) were sitting in a bar
having a few drinks and started discussing their families. The Catholic
said "I have four sons - one more son and I'll have my own basketball
team". The Protestant said "I have eight children - one more child and
I'll have own baseball team". The Mormon replied "I have seventeen wives
- one more wife and I'll have my own golf course"!!

NOAH WAY!
1. And the LORD said unto Noah, Where is thine ark, which I did
command that thou shouldst build?
2. And he said, Verily, I have had three carpenters to be taken
ill. The supplier of gopher-wood hath let me down--yea,
even have I had mine order in for forty weeks. What can I
do, LORD?
3. And the LORD said unto him, Thou shalt finish that ark even
after seven days and seven nights. And Noah said, It shall be so.
4. And lo, it was not so. And the LORD said unto Noah, What
seemeth to be thy trouble this time?
5. He replied unto him, My subcontractor hath quitted his trade
for want of shekels. The pitch which thou didst desire
that I should smear on the outside and on the inside is not arrived.
6. The plumber refuseth to labour for that I pay not enough.
Shem my son, which hath holpen me on the ark side of the
business, hath gathered unto himself a pop group with Ham
and Japheth his brethren. Verily, LORD, I am undone.
7. Whereas the LORD became wroth and said, And what hast thou
done about the animals, male and female of every sort,
which I have commanded thee to bring into the ark for to
keep alive their seed upon the face of the earth?
8. And Noah said, They have been delivered unto another
arkbuilder, but ere the third day hence they shall surely
arrive.
9. Then saith the LORD: And the unicorns, and the fowls of the
air by sevens? And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying, O
LORD, unicorns are a discontinued line and cannot be had
for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only
in half-dozens. Indeed, LORD, thou knowest how it is?
10. And the LORD in his wisdom said unto him, Noah my son, I know.
For why else thinkest thou that I shall flush the heavenly
crapper on you?

THE DAY THE COMPUTER BROKE DOWN
On this particular day, the computer broke down, making it impossible
for St. Peter to give out assignments for the new arrivals. Instead, St. Peter
had to send the arrivals back to Earth in a different form until the system
was fixed.
St. Peter asked the first arrival what he would like to go back to Earth as.
The arrival replied that he always wanted to be free and fly like a bird.
So, St. Peter sent him back as an eagle.
The second arrival said that he always liked the ocean and envied the sealife.
St. Peter sent him back as a sperm whale.
The third arrival told St. Peter that he always wanted to be a "stud".
Shortly thereafter, the system was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter
that it was time to bring back anyone sent back to Earth. St. Peter
replied that it would take some time to locate them. The Lord asked
why. St. Peter said that the first arrival was sent back as an eagle
and that he was soaring somewhere in the rockies. The Lord asked where
the second arrival was. St. Peter replied that he was going to be more
difficult to locate since he was a sperm whale swimming somewhere in the
Pacific Ocean. The Lord then asked about the third arrival. St. Peter
said that he would be the hardest of all to find since he was on a Goodyear
tire somewhere in Cincinnati.

Two nuns were strolling through the park at dusk, when two men jumped
them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them. Sister
Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky, and said softly
"Forgive him for he knows not what he does."
Sister Theresa looked over to her and said "Mine does!"

Budweiser marketing executives held their annual planning session
with their advertising agency. The ad agency gave them a new and
FABULOUS plan.
Irving Schlock, the ad agency account exec, suggested that Budweiser
offer the Pope $1 Mil. per year if he will send out an edict changing
the Lord's Prayer line from "Give us this day our daily bread", to "Give
us this day our daily Bud".
The Bud execs thought this was fantastic and shipped off a staff rep to
Rome to make the offer.
The rep only got to see a bishop, who ordered him thrown out amid cries
of "Sacrilege!!".
He returned to the Pres. of Bud, who told him to return to Rome, and to
up the offer to $1 mil per month.
This time the Bud man gets in to see a Cardinal, tells him about the
proposed change from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this
day our daily Bud". The Cardinal, enraged, also has him thrown him out,
saying, "The Lord's Prayer is NOT for sale, commercialistic swine !".
Back to the Bud President he went.
This time the pres. said that he had certain connections and would make
some calls in advance, guaranteeing the rep would see the Pope himself,
not just some flunkies. Also, said the pres., offer the Pope $1 mil a
week. "This is so big we can't miss it. It'll blow Miller out of the
water".
Back in the Vatican, the Bud rep enters a room filled with the church
hierarchy, begins to give his presentation - cries of "out" begin, when
the Pope comes in. He asks that the rep be heard in a respectful
manner, but first wants to leave for a moment. He goes down the hallway
to his business manager's office. Entering, he says "Guido, get out the
Lord's Prayer file." "Sure, your Holiness, what do you need to know ?"
How long before our deal expires with Pepperidge Farm ?"

Three nuns were talking about their most moving experiences. The first
nun said "My most moving experience was when I received my first holy
communion." The second nun said "My most moving experience was when I
took my final vows." The third said "My most moving experience was when
Mother Superior gave me my first enema and you know how cross-eyed she
is!"

There was a spinster schoolteacher who was plain, skinny and with an
impediment in her speech. She longer for a man and used to comfort
herself by reading respectable erotic stories, namely the 'Adventures of
the Great Classical Gods'. This only made her worse, but one night a
strange thing happened - she dreamed that a big blonde naked man came to
her bed, ripped off her nightgown, and raped her again and again.
In the morning as he was about to depart, she begged him to stay. "I
must return to Valhalla," he said, "I'm Thor."
"Tho am I, but wathent it marvelouth."

A virile young man went to his friend, a pharmacist, asking for some
Spanish fly because he had two hot (very, very hot) dates that night and
didn't want to disappoint them. The pharmacist told his friend that he
could not give him the Spanish fly, it was illegal, and he could get in
much trouble for it. The young man begged and begged, and finally his
friend gave in and supplied him with some Spanish fly.
The next day, the young man entered his friends pharmacy looking mighty
tousled and worn out. The pharmacist said, "You look terrible! What
happened?" His friend then dropped his pants to show just how terrible
he indeed looked; his privates were bruised, swollen, and generally
abused. The young man moaned, "I need some Ben Gay". The pharmacist
exclaimed, "Ben Gay! You can't put Ben Gay on THAT!". The young man
then said, "I know, I need it for my arms, the girls never showed up"!!!

So the teacher instructs her third-grade class to give a three-syllable
word and use it in a sentence. Several pupils raise their hands, in-
cluding Dirty Johnny. The teacher passes right over him and chooses
Sally.
"Beautiful", says Sally. "My teacher is beautiful."
"Why, thank you" the teacher says. "Anyone else?"
Again, several hands, including Dirty Johnny's, are waving. The teacher
chooses Mary.
"Wonderful", says Mary. "My teacher is wonderful."
Again the teacher thanks her student and asks for another answer.
Reluctantly, she chooses Johnny.
"Urinate" says Johnny.
"Johnny" the teacher cries in shock.
"Urinate" says Johnny again, "but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a
ten."

Then there's the one about the man who gets stranded on an island some-
where in the Pacific, with the only living creatures besides himself
being a dog and a young lamb. After a few months, the man starts to get
pretty horny, and the lamb starts to look better and better to him. So
the man gets the lamb, and just as he trying to screw the lamb, the dog
starts to growl and pull at his pant leg, and won't let him do it. This
happens a few more times, until the man abandons the idea. About a week
later, the man is hanging out on the beach under a palm tree, when he
sees a form on the ocean coming over the horizon. So when the object
gets closer, he wades out to the coral reef, and pulls in a life raft
upon which is a very beautiful girl, unconcious. So he pulls the raft
on shore, and revives the girl. When she awakes, she says to the man
'Oh, I'm so grateful that you saved my life, I'll do ANYTHING to repay
you!' The man asked 'ANYTHING?' And she says 'O yes, anything!' So the
man thinks for a minute and says 'OK, hold this dog for about half an
hour!'

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his propos-
al of marriage, as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit
afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to
tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at
which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding itself came and went, and the young couple were at last
alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a
big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden
leg, slipped into bed , and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vase-
line, and I'll see what I can do."

After his first wife died, the boss married his gorgeous young secre-
tary. Soon, however, she was tired of being left alone on weekends, so
she decided to take up golf. She arranged for a series of lessons with
the young pro.
He put a club in her hands and told her to swing. "Not bad," he said.
"I think you might be a natural. But you've got to hold the club gen-
tly."
"How gently?" she asked.
"Well," he said " hold it as if it were your husband's penis."
The woman complied. "Much better," the pro said after a couple of