"Moosehead". A great beer...and a new experience for the moose!
There was a white man, a black, and a Jew riding in a car when it was involved
in an accident and everyone was killed. The rescue folks were cleaning up the
mess when suddenly the white man got up and brushed himself off. One of the
EMT's asked, "What happened?!" The white man explained, "Well, when we met
saint Peter, he says, 'Due to the lack of money up here right now, you can go
back for $1000.', so I gave him the money and came back." The EMT asked "Well,
were's the other two?" The white man again explained "Well, when I left, the
black guy was looking for a co-signer and the Jew was trying to get saint Peter
down to $750"....
"Moosehead". A great beer...and a new experience for the moose!
One day, little Johnny was sitting on a corner, stirring a bucket of shit.
The milkman walked up and said, "Whatcha got there, Johnny?"
To which Johnny replied (deep, slow voice is best) "Bucket o' shit."
"Whatcha making?"
"A Milkman."
"Hrummph!" said the Milkman and walked across the street. Next, the Mailman
came and said "Whatcha got there Johnny?" "Bucket o' shit."
"Whatcha making?" "A Mailman." "Hrummph!" The Mailman walked across the
street and began talking to the Milkman. Shortly after, a policeman walked
up and had a conversation with the two aggrieved men. He then walked over
to Johnny and said, "What do you have there, Johnny?" "Bucket o' shit." "I
bet you're making a Policeman."
"Nope, ain't got enough shit."
One day, Johnny was sitting in the library, calmly flicking small ball bearings
around the room. Of course, one of the balls hit the librarian square in the
forehead. She stood up and glared around the room and said, "Who has the steel
balls," to which Johnny gleefully replied "Superman!"
It was a month before Christmas, and just for a stunt
Santa had his face buried in Mrs. Clauses' cunt
There was a loud noise and Santa Jumped with a start
It seemed Mrs. Claus had cut loose with one hell of a fart
All Santa could do was gag and to spit
His face and his beard were all plastered with shit
Mrs. Claus was still on the bed, panting and groaning
Hollering for Santa to try and get his bone in
Santa started laughing and shouting, and with a loud cheer
Said I know what to do, I'll screw one of the deer
They're cleaner and neater, and don't you suppose
I'll be just the right height if I stand on my toes
Santa ran from the barn Shaking his head at the noise
Saying Jesus Christ, how'd I know they were all boys
It was getting about time to head for the south
Santa hoping he could get rid of the taste in his mouth
As the reindeer proceeded to line up in fours
Santa hollered "Merry Christmas Mrs. Claus this vibrator is yours!"
As Santa and his sleigh streaked into the sky
He said you may not be able to fuck yourself, but why don't you try
While Santa rode in the night, his ass frozen to the sled
He started thinking of Mrs. Claus at home in her warm bed
Santa spun in midair and headed back to the pole
They say he never go t farther from that hairy old hole
The moral of this story will end with this bit
Any job that you do, you just have to take shit.
Little Johnny was twelve years old and like other boys of his age, rather
curious. He has bben hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys, and
he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to
his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to him,
she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister
and her boy friend. This he did. The following morning he described
everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boy friend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of
the lights, and he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be
getting sick because she started looking funny. He must have thought so too
because he put his hand under her blouse to feel her heart just like a doctor
would, except hes not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble
finding the heart..
I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold,
because he put it under her skirt. Aboout this time, sis got worse, and began
to moan and squirm around. They slid down to the end of the couch. This was
when the fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she felt
really hot..
Finally, i found out what was making them so sick: A big eel had gotten inside
his pants somehow.. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten
inches long. Honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting
away.
When sis saw it she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell
open. She started calling out to god and stuff like that. She said it was the
biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the
lake..
Anywa, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a
sudden she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back, then she
grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his
pants pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he
helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis
started graning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I
guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them..
After a while, they both got up and gave a great sigh, her boyfriend got up and
sure enough, they had killed the eel. i know it was dead, because it just hung
ther, limp and some of its insides were hanging out..
Sis and her boyfreind were a little tired from the battle, but they went to
courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing again. By Golly, the eel
wasn't dead. It jumped straight-up and started to fight again. i guess eels
are like cats... they have nine lives...
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.. After
fifty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was
this time because i saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the
toilet..
Johnny's mother fainted.
Now there are three guys, a white guy, a black guy, and
a Polock. They all have to live on the desert for a
day and they're allowed to pick ONE thing to take.
Each is asked what they want to take.
First the white guy is asked what he wants to take. He
says, "I'd like to take a glass of water."
"Why a glass of water?" he is asked.
"So I can have something to drink when
I get thirsty."
Next the black guy is asked what he wants to take. He
says, "I'd like to take an ice cube."
"Why an ice cube?" he is asked.
"So I can have something to suck on
when it gets hot."
Finally the Polock is asked what he wants to take. He
says, "I'd like to take a car door."
"Why a CAR DOOR?" he is asked.
"So I can roll down the window when
it gets hot!"
Q. What do you call oral sex at a national park???
A. Old Facefull!!!!
Q. What did the masochistic girl say to her date???
A. "Slap...or I'll stop you!"
At the last Georgia vs Auburn confrontation that took place in Georgia, an
enterprising Athens businessman put up a sign in his parking lot that said
"Auburn Fans Park Your Tractors Here".
What's the best use for a degree from the University of Georgia?
You tape it to your back bumper so you can park in the handicapped spaces.
Why are they laying down artificial turf in Jordan-Hare(Auburn) Stadium?
To stop the cheerleaders from grazing.
What do they say when the Georgia cheerleaders take the field?
How 'bout them dawgs.
An Auburn student enters a store and orders an RC and a moon pie. The
waiter says, "You go to Aubrun don't you?"
"If I came in here and ordered Sphgetti would you say I'm Italian?"
"No.", The waiter replied.
"If I ordered a Taco would you say that I'm Mexican?"
"No," the waiter says again.
"Then how come I order an RC and a moon pie and you say I'm from
Auburn?"
"Because this is a hardware store."
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner!
Woman walks into her doctors office and says "You son of a bitch, those
hormones you gave me are just a little too strong. I've got hair growing all
over my titties". The doctor said, "Jeez, how far down does the hair go".
Lady - "All the way down to my dick. And that's another thing...
This guy gets into a horrible auto accident and part of the damage form the
accident was that his dick was amputated. So, this dude is at the doctor and is
desperate. He pleads with the doctor to do something for him, so the doctor
tells him that there is a little baby elephant over at the zoo that just died.
The doctor says that they can use the elephant's trunk in place of this guy's
schlong. The guy is getting all excited and tells the doctor to do it. A few
years later the guy is with this incredible babe and they are out for dinner.
All of a sudden, she sees this thing come up from under the table and grab a
dinner roll and then dissappear back under the table. She screams and asks what
the hell it was. He tells her that he has to level with her. A few years ago I
had an accident, and my dick was cut off, so the doctor replaced it with the
trunk from a baby elephant. She thought that it was amazing and she asked if he
could do it again. He hesitatnly said `Yeah, I can do it again, but I don't
know if my ass can take another roll!'
Did you hear the one about the optical lens manufacturer?
He accidently fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself!!!
This musician finally finished a new song, but no one would buy it. He was
telling another musician about it, and the other guy said "Let me hear it".
The first guy went to the piano and played a wonderful tune. When he finished,
the second guy said "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see why no one will buy
it. What do you call it?". The first man says "I love you so goddam much I
gotta shit"
I understand that there is a mayor in California who is not only in favor of
the legalization of marijuana, but who also claims that smoking pot allows one
to focus one's conciousness better when driving and the like. He has gone as
far as encouraging citizens to smoke marijuana while driving by posting traffic
signs reading "no left turn unstoned".
Q. Why, in the traditional wedding picture, is the groom in a chair and the
bride standing????
A. Because he's too tired to get up and she's too sore to sit down!!!!
Q. What do you get if you eat Uranium???
A. You get Atomic ache!!!!!
There was this polish kid one day who wanted a bike REALLY badly so he goes
to his father and says, Dad, can I have a bike, PLEASE!
His father says to his son, is your dick long enough to touch the ground
yet? The son replies, no, so the father says NO BIKE.
A few years later the son asks the father again and again his father wants
to know his dick size. Again, it isn't big enuf so he says no.
Finally a few years later the son goes to his father and says, Dad, can I have
a bike, to which the father replies, is your dick be enuf toreach the ground.
The son happily says yes thinking finally he will get a bike.
The father replies, GOOD, now go fuck yourself!
There was this Englishman, Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan. They were all in
a plane. The pilot says "The plane has to lose some weight or we'll never make
it!" So, the Englishman says "God Save The Queen," and jumps out, the
Frenchman says "Vive La France!" and jumps out. Then the Texan says "Remember
The Alamo!" and pushes the Mexican out.
One day a preacher came into town and started preaching that he could heal all
kinds of ailments. Well, as he was preaching, a man on crutches happened to
walk by. The preacher stoped him and said, "Brother, what is your ailment?" He
replied, "Well preacher, I have a deformed leg, and have never walked without
crutches." The preacher said, "What's your name, Brother?" "My name's John."
said the crippled man. "Well brother John, you step back behind this curtain."
and he did. About a minute later, another man happened to walk by and was also
stopped by the preacher. "What's your name brother" said the preacher. "Mu-mu-
ma names Ba-Ba-BOB!" was the reply. "Well brother Bob, what is your ailment?"
"Well, P-P-Preacher, I ha-ha-have a stu-stu-stu- problem talking." So the
preacher ushered him behind the curtian also and then started dancing and
preaching and yelling and praying and all kinds of stuff. After about 5 minutes
of this, he said, "Brother John, throw down your crutches, Brother Bob, speak
to me in a normal voice "About 30 seconds later, a voice came from behind the
curtian. "P-P Preacher, Br-Bra-Brother John Je-Jes-just fell on hi-hi-his ass!"
My teenage daughter proudly wears a button that says: "If I had wanted to
hear from an asshole I would have farted."
Three women are in a car crash and are all killed but fortunatly go to
heaven. Where they are met at the gates by St. Peter.
SP says to the first woman: How did you die. And she says "The Big H"
SP says, Heart Attack, how terrible, come on in.
SP says to the second woman how did you die?
And she says "I got the big C"
And Saint Peter says, Cancer that's terrible, you come in too.
SP turns to the third woman and says, How did you die?
She replys: "The big G"
SP says, The Big G I don't know the big G?
What's that?
She says Gonneria!
SP says, You can't die from Gonerria!
And the third woman replys: "If you give it to Leroy you can..."
A woman wearing a hat was crossing the street in Chicago when a great wind
blew her skirt up over her head. she had no panties on, but she grabbed
for her hat instead of trying to hold her skirt down.
A young man walking by asked her why should would grab the hat first
instead of her skirt, especially since she was wearing no underwear.
"Young man," she replied, "what's under that skirt is 50 years old.
This hat is brand new!"
DO YOU KNOW WHY A DOG LICKS HIS BALLS ?
BECAUSE HE CAN !
Q. What did the Indian say when he saw the mushroom cloud from the A-bomb test?
A. "Wishum I had said that"!
A new lumberjack has just finished his first month in the wilds of Alaska,
where there are no women for miles. He couldn't take it anymore, so he asks
his foreman what the men do to relieve themselves sexually. The foreman says,
"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower, the men swear by it." The
lumberjack tried it out and had the experience of his life. "Wow, thats
fantastic," the lumberjack says, "I'm going to use it every day." "Everyday
except Wednesday," says the foreman. "Why?" says the lumberjack. "Wednesday's
your day in the barrell."
Heard about the new Indian lottery?
Rub off the dot on the card, and if it matches the one on your forehead,
you're a winner!
A man comes home one day with four brand new snow tires--I mean beautiful,
white wall, top-of-the line models. His wife says to him, "Why'd you buy snow
tires you don't even have a car?"
The man says: "Yeah but you buy bras don't you?"
How do you tell the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snow-Balls
"Before you hump her,
Cover your thumper!"
"Is that Hortense?"
"She looks relaxed to me...."
These jokes are about as funny as a helicoptor with an ejector seat!
A schoolteacher told her class to come to school the next day dressed as a
mood. She said grades would be awarded on the basis of originality. The next
day she had the children stand up and tell what mood they were personifying.
The first child, Johnny, was all dressed in blue. He said, "I'm depression."
He got a C. The second child, Billy, was wearing green. "I'm jealousy and
envy." he said. Billy got a B. The next child, Darnell, stood up, wearing his
normal clothes, but with a pear stuck on his dick. The teacher said, "What in
heaven's name kind of mood are you?
Darnell replied, "Why, I's fuckin dis peah!"
Q. Whats a prophylactic?
A. A planned parent hood!
Hear about the little black boy with the runs?
He thought he was melting.
Whats the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
The vulture at least waits till your dead to eat out your heart!
Q> How do you starve a Puerto Rican?
A> Hide his food stamps under his work shoes...
Well, we knew that it would happen before too long. Yesterday, Oral
Roberts was filmed standing on the Berlin Wall. He wants to raise
1 million marks by the end of the year, or he claims that the good Lord
will close the wall forever!
Q. When cows laugh, does milk come out of there noses too?
"I was working as an usher in the movie theatre, when I noticed a couple
in the back row making out in the dark. I suppose that I should have
stopped them, but I figured that they'd never notice another hand."
There was a young lady of Erskine,
Who had a remarkably fair skin.
When I said to her, "Mabel,
You look, nice in your sable,"
She replied, "I look best in my bare skin".
Well, this guy was out driving around in his Caddy, and he sees a
hitchhiker, a pretty gal who looks a real sexy. He picks her
up, and within a few minutes they are chatting about homes, jobs,
friends, etc. Turns out, she claims to be a witch, with real magic
powers. He scoffs, and she says, 'no, it's true.' And if he doesn't
believe her, she will turn him into something to prove it. "Ha",
he says again, "you can't do it!!
Well, she leans over his way -he's now a little nervous- and says a
few words into his ear, and sure enough, he turns into a motel
parking lot.
A man came home and his wife came running up and said "Honey my
sewing machine broke can ya fix it?"
He replied "Who do I look like Mr Singer!!!"
The next day he came home and his wife met him at the door and
said "Honey, my Vac Cleaner broke can you fix it ?"
he replied "Who do I look like Mr Hoover!!"
The next day the man came home and his wife said "Honey a nice
man cam buy and fixed the Vac and the sewing machine....He said I
could either bake him a cake or sleep with him"
The man replied "what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied "Who do I look like BETTY CROCKER!!"
Q: Why do the driver's education classes in West Virginia only use the
car on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday the sex ed class has it.
The rabbit and the snake bumped into each other on the trail, and the snake
says "Sorry... but you see, I am blind!". The rabbit replies "Hey, I'm sorry
too, but I'm also blind...I've been blind all my life.
As a matter of fact, I dont even know what I am!".
The snake says "Really? I dont what I am either! Say, maybe we can help
each other out...
I'll feel around on you and tell you what are, and then
you can do the same for me... Whatdya say?"
Rabbit replies "ok". So, the snake coils up around the Rabbit and says...
"Okay...you are fuzzy all over, you got long front legs and short back legs,
long ears, and a fuzzy little tail...
Why... Little fella, you are a rabbit!"
Well, the rabbit is overjoyed at this profound revelation, and replies
in like kind by feeling around on the snake and says...
"Umm...Well, you are cold, slimy all over, and it appears that you crawl
on the ground on your belly all the time, and you dont have any balls!...
I'm pretty sure you're a lawyer!"
Two women were hurrying through the Christmas crowds on Main Street,
when one happens to hear a strange, little voice, down below her knees.
"Hey!" it yells at her. "Look down here!"
What should she see but a small, frightened green frog, stuck in a
showbank. Rush hour trucks and taxis are missing this little guy by
just inches.
"Pick me up!" the frog begs.
The wonan reaches down with a gloved hand, scoops the critter from the
snow and holds him delicately at arm's length.
"Thank you!" he cries. "Now kiss me! I swear if you kiss me, I'll turn
into a hotshot Wall Street stockbroker!"
The woman says nothing, and instead tucks the frog in her pocket.
A few minutes later, her walking companion can't stand the suspense.
"Aren't you going to kiss the frog?" she asks.
"Are you kidding?" laughs the rescuer. "You can make more money with a
talking frog than you can with a hotshot Wall Street stockbroker."
For as long as they could remember, four men had gotten together early
each December for a sauna and pre-Christmas lunch.
"I won't be able to make the sauna this year, but I'll meet you at the
deli after," Chuck told his pals.
Tom, Dick and Harry gather as usual at the sauna to play catch-up on the
events of the year.
"So how is your son?" Tom asks Dick.
"Excellent. Couldn't be better. He's in business for himself now,
making tailor made suits. Things are going so well for him that only
yesterday, he gave one of his friends a free suit."
"A free suit?"
"Absolutely," says Dick.
"And how is your son, Tom?"
Tom beams.
"My son is selling cars. He's very successful. He's the top salesman
at his dealership. He's doing so well that only last week he gave a
friend a car."
"Gave a friend a car?"
"Free. For nothing."
Tom and Dick shake their heads, delighted at their kids' success.
"How about your son, Harry?" asks Tom.
"Don't ask," says Harry. "My son is in real estate. My son is selling
condos as if there were no tomorrow. My son has sold so many condos
that only last week, he gave one of his friends a free condo."
"No!"
"Yes! Gave away a condo!"
The three men agree they're blessed to have such successful, generous
sons.
They get dressed and head over to the deli to meet their fourth pal for
lunch.
Chuck is sitting at the table holding his head in his hands.
"Old friend!" Tom, Dick and Harry cry, "Why so sad?"
Chuck sighs.
"It's about my son," he says. "I don't know how to tell you this, guys.
My son only told me last night at dinner. He's gay."
"No!"
"Yes, and I don't mind admitting, I'm having some real difficulty coping
with this as a man. Is it my fault? Should I have done something
differently?"
"Don't torture yourself," advises Tom.
"Don't dwell on it," comforts Dick.
"Whatever will be, will be," adds Harry.
Chuck shakes his head.
"You're right. It's his life. I've got to accept it. I should look on
the bright side. He's making lots of new friends, I guess. Why just
last week, these new friends gave him a new suit, a new car, and a new
condo."
The Indian chief had to leave the resovation for a year, so he left his
son in charge.
When he returned, he asked is son how things had gone for the year.
"Well, I've got some good news, and some bad news" he said.
"What's the bad news?" the chief asked.
"Since you've been away, 20,000 white men have moved onto the
reservation, and have built houses on our best hunting grounds" he
replied.
"But that's disasterous" the chief replied, "So what's the good news?"
"Well, they taste like buffalo"
Little Johnny came home from school one day and kicked a chicken. (He
lives on a farm) His mother saw it and said "Johnny, I saw you kick that
chicken and we're having chicken for dinner. As punishment you get no
dinner tonight."
Little Johnny then went out to the barn and kicked a cow in his anger.
His mother called him to the house and said "Johnny, I saw you kick that
cow. You get no milk before bedtime tonight."
Even more upset, he went and sat on the porch. A while later his father
came home and kicked the cat that was sleeping on the sidewalk. Johnny
walking into the house and said to his mother, "Are YOU going to tell
him or am I?"
A divorce case was going on, and the parents were trying to decide who
would get custody of their only child, Melissa. The Judge asked Melissa, "Do
you want to live with your Mommy?", and Melissa said "No, because she beats
me". The Judge scowled at the mother. Then the Judge asked, "Do you want to
live with your Daddy?", and Melissa replied "No, he beats me too.". The
Judge scowled at both the parents, then turned to Melissa and asked, "Then
who do you want to live with?", to which Melissa replied "The Dallas
Cowboys. They can't beat anyone."
** LOST DOG **
3 legs,
Blind in left eye,
Missing right ear,
Tail broken,
Recently castrated...
Answers to the name of
"LUCKY"
You know it's a bad day when:
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
3. You You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on HOLD.
4. You see the "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party but there
aren't any.
7. You put on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of the
city.
8. The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
9. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
10. You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize
that you don't have a water bed.
11. Your horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck, as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
12. The timer on your coffee maker is set to brew at 8:00 a.m. and you
forgot to put the coffee pot in the dispenser.
13. Your auburn hair color turns purple overnight.
How to get along at the office:
If it rings, put it on hold;
If it clanks, call a repairman;
If it whistles, ignore it;
If it's a friend, take a break;
If it talks, take notes;
If it's handwritten, type it;
If it's copied, file it;
If it's Friday, forget it!
How to succeed without talent:
1. Study to look tremendously important.
2. Speak with great assurance. Stick to generally accepted facts.
3. Avoid arguments; if challenged, fire an irrelevant question at your
antagonist and intently polish your glasses while he tries to answer.
As an alternative, hum under your breath while examining your
fingernails.
4. Contrive to mingle with important people.
5. Before talking with a man you wish to impress, ferret out his remedies
or current problems, then advocate them strongly.
6. Listen while others wrangle. Pluck out a platitude and defend it
righteously.
7. When asked a question by a subordinate, give him a "have you lost your
mind" stare until he glances down, then paraphrase the question back at
him.
8. Acquire a capable stooge, but keep him in the backround.
9. In offering to perform a service, imply your complete familiarity.
10. Arrange to be the clearinghouse for all complaints--it encourages the
thought that you are in control.
11. Never acknowledge thanks for your attention; this will implant
subconscious obligation in the mind of your victim.
12. Carry yourself in the grand manner. Refer to your associates as
"some of the boys in our office." Discourage light conversation that
might bridge the gap between boss and man.
13. Walk swiftly from place to place as if engrossed in affairs of great
moment. Keep your office door closed. Interview by appointment only
and give orders by memoranda. Remember, you are a big shot and you
don't give a damn who knows it.
Before you ask me for the day off, consider the following statistics:
There are 365 days in the year, you sleep eight hours a day making 122 days,
which subtracted from 365 days makes 243 days. You also have 8 hours of
recreation every day, making another 122 days and leaves a balance of 121
days. There are 52 Sundays that you do not work at all, leaving 69 days.
You get Saturday afternoon off. This gives 52 half-days, or 26 more days
that you do not work. This leaves a balance of 43 days. You get an hour
off for lunch, which when totaled makes 16 days, leaving 27 days of the
year. You get at least 21 days leave every year, so that leaves 6 days.
You get 5 legal holidays during the year, which leaves only 1 day,
AND YOU WANT ME TO GIVE
YOU THAT ONE DAY OFF!!!
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
bomb; use the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
the gorund.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communications with dead people; it will only lead to
psychological problems.
5. Food will scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded
wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will
be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully in 'Heavy Fallout' areas; people could be staggering
illegally.
9. Nutritionaly, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
sanitary due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
D-DAY.
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
bomb; use the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
the gorund.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communications with dead people; it will only lead to
psychological problems.
5. Food will scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded
wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will
be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully in 'Heavy Fallout' areas; people could be staggering
illegally.
9. Nutritionaly, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
sanitary due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
D-DAY.
Hear the one 'bout the ax murderer and his two half-brothers.
Two dogs are waiting in a Vet's office, a Pit Bull and a Great Dane. The
Great dane says to the Pit Bull, "So why are you here?" Well says the Pit
Bull, " I was sitting in my yard when this pretty young girl walked by. I
couldn't control myself and I bit her, so they're going to put me to sleep.
" "Oh" says the Great Dane. "So why are you here?" asks the Pit Bull. "Well"
says the Great Dane, "I was in the powder room with my mistres when se bent
over to pick her towel up." "Needless to say I couldn't controll myself and
I mounted her." "Owwww" says the Pit Bull "Thats to bad , so their going to
put you to sleep to huh..." "No" says the Great Dane "I'm only here to have
my nails clipped!"
What does a shoplifter take for diarrhea?
- Klepto-Bismol!
What do you get when you spray a box of condoms with laughing gas?
- Glad bags!
The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse!
Dad at the whore house, Mom smoking grass,
and I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
Then out on the lawn there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew right away that fat fucker fell.
He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with one hell of a fart,
that son-of-a-bitch blew my chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight,
"Piss on you all and have one hell of a night."
A pig goes into a bar and asks for six beers and drinks them all and
asks the bartender where the bathroom is and is told by the bartender
that is down the hall. A little while latter the pig leaves. Then another
pig comes in and asks for twelve beers and then asks where the bathroom
is and is told that is down the hall. A little while latter the pig
leaves. Then a third pig enters and orders and drinks twenty-four beers
and is just about to leave when the bartender asks "hey, aren't you going
to ask where the bathroom is?" and the pig says "No, I'm the pig that
goes wee-wee all the way home."
(Q) So, what is the East German nation gonna put on their new flag??
(A) ...... A suitcase.
(Q) How can you tell if you're in a gay church?
(A) Every other person is kneeling
Down in cajun country, a deputy sheriff went to the house of the old man whose
wife was missing, and said to him "I have some good news and some bad news for
you. Which would you like to hear first?"
The old man replied "Give me the bad news first"
"Well," said the deputy, "we just found your wife in the river, drowned."
The old man broke down and, crying hysterically, walked away from the deputy to
grieve. A few minutes later he hobbled back to the deputy and asked "If that
was the bad news, what's the good news?"
"Well" said the deputy, "when we fished her out of the water, there were ten,
maybe twelve, big blue crabs on her... so we're sending her back down in the
morning"
Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to wash
psychadelic mushrooms down psychadelic mushrooms
/\ __
/ \ ||
(__) (__) \ / (_||_)
SooS (oo) \/ (oo)
/------S\/S /-------\/ /S /-------\/
/ | || / | || / S / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||___/ S * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
This cow belonged Ben Franklin owned Abe Lincoln's
to George Washington this cow cow
(__)
* (__) (oo)
\ (oo) /------\/
\-------\/ /| |/ |
| ==$ || / | [) ||
||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Old "One Arm" belonged This cow was given to
to Ceasar's Palace Hugh Hefner for his Birthday
(___) (__) (__)
( O ) (oo) (oo)
/-------\ / \/--------\/
/ | ||V | |
* ||----|| ||------||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
The cyclops that Jason and This cow lived with
the Argonauts met had this cow Dr. Doolittle
(__) (__)
[##] (#o)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /------- (__)
/ | || / | || / | || (oo)
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|---\/
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^
This cow belonged This cow lived with This cow belonged to
to Flash Gordon the Little Rascals the Headless Horseman
(____) (____) (____)
(oo ) (o o) ( O O)
/-----------\ / /-----\ /---- /-----------\ /
/ || | \/ / | | \/ | / || | \/
/ || |||| \ | | | | | / || ||||
* ||||-----|||| *| | |-----| | | * ||||-----||||
/\/\ /\/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ ^^^^ ^^^^
This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether
to Pablo Picasso Dali's favorite cow M.C. Escher's cow had four
legs or eight
O__O \_|_/
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow at Disneyland Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty
(__) (__)
^^ (oo) (--)
^^^^ /-------\/ /-\/-\
^^^^^ / | || /| |\
^^^^^ * ||----|| ^ | | ^
^^^^^^^^ ====^^====^^==== | |
^^^^^^^^^^^^^/ /----\
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ / \ \
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^ * ^
Cow Hanging Ten at Malibu Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale
(What a bod, huh guys?)
)\ (__)
/ \ (oo)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cow swimming at Amityville
(Where Jaws was filmed, for those less educated)
(__)
([][]) "I have this recurring dream
__\/_--U about golden arches.".. (__)
/\ \__ ^ :..("")
/\\\ / / //\ ____\_____\/ //
/----^/__/\ /\ // \\/ \___ / //
\\\____/--\-- // /-/__________/ //
/====== \/ =======/==============//
*_/ / \ /^ // / \\
/ \ ^ // \\
Psycowlogist and patient
(___)
\^^^^^^^^\ (__) (o o)
\^^^^^^^^\\ (oo) \ /
*-----\_______\/\/ \--O--/
^_______/ --- \______^ // -----\
^--------\ \S/ /\_____^ \\/_^{} /==V===[]
\______/ \_____\\//
\__/
It's a bird... //\\ The Boss
It's a plane... // \\ (Bruce Holstien)
// //
^^ ^^
==================
_____________________________ H H
| |-------------| H (__) H
| | ________ | H (oo) H __
| COWNTY | | (|__|) | | H / \/ \ H / \
| JAIL | | |oo| | | H | | | | H | STOP |
| | |__|\/|__| | H D===b=----- H \ __ /
| | o | H^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^H ||
| | ^ | H H ||
| | ] | H H ||
| | | H H ||
|_____________|_____________| H H ||
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^
Some cows get in trouble... Cattle Guard
Side Front Side back (___) Where's all the bulls!
(__) (__) (__) (__) (O O)/
( oo (oo) oo ) ( ) ^ _/\ /\_ ^
/\_| /\/\ |_/\ / \ \\/ O \//
I have to sadly announce that Willie Nelson was killed today...
He was playing "On the road Again"
STRESS
That confusion created
when one's mind
overrides the body's
basic desire to
choke the living shit
out of some asshole who
desperately needs it.
ARMY
JOIN THE ARMY
Travel to exotic, distant lands.
Meet exciting, unusual people
and kill them
Here it is! The Hillbilly's book of medical terminology for the layman.
ARTERY The study of fine paintings
BARIUM What you do when CPR fails
CESARIAN SECTION A district in Rome
COLIC A sheep dog
COMA A punctuation mark
CONGENITAL Friendly
DILATE To live long
FESTER Quicker
G.I. SERIES Baseball games between teams of soldiers
GRIPPE A suitcase
HANGNAIL A coathook
MEDICAL STAFF A doctor's cane
MINOR OPERATION Coal digging
MORBID A higher offer
NITRATE Lower than day rate
ORGANIC Church musician
OUTPATIENT Person who has fainted
POST-OPERATIVE A letter carrier
PROTEIN In favor of young people
SECRETION Hiding anything
SEROLOGY Study of English knighthood
TABLET A small table
TUMOR An extra pair
URINE Opposite of you're out
VARICOSE VEINS Veins which are very close together
BENIGN What you are after you be eight
A Texan came Down Under for a holiday, and was being shown around one of the
cattle stations in the Northern Territory. As they were driving along, the
Texan pointed at a cow and asked what it was. The station owner said, "That's
one of my prize Hereford heiffers." The Texan said, "Shoot! That one wouldn't
even be weaned yet back in Texas!" A little while later, the Texan pointed at
a ram and asked what it was. The station owner said, "That's one of my stud
Merino rams." The Texan said, "Sheeoot! That ram is smaller than one of my
new born lambs back in Texas!" By this time the station owner was pretty
pissed off, and when the Texan saw a mob of kangaroos and asked what they were,
the station owner replied, Grasshoppers...Incredibly LARGE grasshoppers...
Q) What's the difference between an ambush and a 69
A) At least with a 69, you can see the cunt coming.....
This eighty year old was getting a physical and the doctor said, "You've
got the vitality of a thirty year old, how old was your dad when he died?"
"He's still alive, working construction." the man replied. "What about your
grandfather?" the doc asked. "He just turned a hundred and thirteen
yesterday and he's getting married to a fifteen year old girl next weekend
" said the man.
"Why on earth would a hundred and thirteen year old man want to marry a
fifteen year old girl??"
"Who said he wants to get married?"
There was a postion open for an accountant at this one large firm. They
got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview
each one seperately. He asked the first applicant in.
"I'm going to ask you just one question." says the president, "What's 2+2?"
Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."
"Thank you, we will get back to you" Replied the president.
The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"
Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and
says "Five."
The president replies "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll
call you."
The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"
The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the
room and replies "What would you like it to be?"
The president excaims "YOU'RE MY MAN!"
What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by 3 black men?
Victim.
What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by 5 blacks?
Coach.
What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by 20 blacks?
Quarterback.
What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by 200 blacks?
Warden.
What do you call it when a white guy gets wings?
Angel..
And what do you call it when a black guy gets wings?
Bat!
Three traveling salesmen, an American, a Polack and a Black mam, were
driving down a dirt road when there car just up and died. Well, they had
seen a farm house about a mile back up the road. They all took off jogging
and got there about sun set. They knocked at the door, and a nice, elderly
farmer opened the door. They used the phone to call the local garages, but
they were all closed. Not knowing what else to do, they asked permission to
stay the night at the farmers house. They farmer said that if they wanted
to, they were welcome to stay in the barn. He showed them out to the barn,
and showed them where to stay. He then warned them to stay outta the tree
in the back yard. His daughter was getting ready to marry Billy Joe Jim
John Jake Franks, and he didn't want any peeping toms. They all easily
agreed, and went in to the barn. After about an hour of talking, they are
all very curious as to what this daughter looks like. They finally decide
to climb the tree, but quietly. When they get to the top of the tree, the
look in the window, and see this very beautiful, naked, young lady standing
in front of a mirror. They are all getting an eyefull of this big breasted,
tight assed, big bushed lady, when the farmed walkes out side, having heard
them, and yells, "Who's in that tree?". The three freeze. The American gets
an idea and, very carefully, "Meow. Meow.". The Black man, having cought on
says, "Tweet, tweet." The polack, having realized what is going on says,
"Moo! Moo! Moo!"
Now that the metric system is in wide use world wide (except here in the
US), it is time to change a few common phrases.
. A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers
. Put your best .3 of a meter forward
. Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child
. Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
. Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
. Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
In the woods there's this clearing away from where all the animals live
where all the animals of the forest go to take a crap. One day this
little white fuzzy bunny rabbit was hunched over a log when this large
brown bear sits down next to him to take a shit. After a couple of
minutes this large brown bear looks down at this little white fuzzy
bunny rabbit and says "Hey, do you ever have problems with shit
sticking to your fur?" The little white fuzzy bunny rabbit looks up at
the big brown bear and replies "Uh, no I don't." So the bear picks up
the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
Getting even with the answering machine
Lesson 48
Hi. I'm calling to make sure you received in the mail your free sample of
the new chocolate candy made in San Francisco by transvestites - it's
called a "He-She" Bar.
CLICK
One night, my friend was home in Santa Cruz, working on his computer
Lightning struck the satellite dish on the roof of the house. He was
rendered unconcious, and when he awoke, the Keyboard Prayer was on the
screen :
Our program, who art in memory, HELLO by thy name,
Forgive us our I/O errors as we forgive those whose logic circuits are
faulty.
Lead us not into frustration,and deliver us from power surges.
For thine is the algorithm, the application and the solution,
looping forever and ever. RETURN.'"
On this incident, he was given the name St. $ilicon. The Giver of Data
instructed him to form the church of Heuristic Information Processing,the
first user-friendly religion.
This was in 1984; since then, the fourth-quarter prophet and strict
fun-damentalist has been ministering to the D-based and D-filed.
He usually wears a white suit with a button that asks: 'Has your data been
saved?'
His act includes the 'Sermon on the Monitor': 'Dearly C-loved, we are
assembled here together because PCing is believing. We're here to console
you,
ASCII and ye shall receive. We say there is a life worth debugging. Data,
data, everywhere and not a thought to think, that's the problem... Friend,
perhaps you know someone out there with a terminal illness -- some poor
hacker
with bloodshot eyes in data distress -- who's been attacked by the evil one,
Glitch, and his wicked helper, Missingstuffinfiles.Even if your data has
been
blown all to HAL there's not a thing we can do to bring it back, but we can
solace you in your hour of need.
From the Binary Bible,which St. $ilicon translated from the ancient Greek,
the
first book SYSGEN I:i 'In the beginning the Giver of Data generated
silicon
and carbon and the system was without architecture, and uninitialized, and
randomness was upon the arrangement of the matrix.'
Announcements:
- For cathode-lics - a new high school (Our Lady of Perpetual
Upgrades - we don't have nuns, we have nulls) and a new junior high
( PCjr - the immaculate deception).
- Also performs curcuit-cisions and bar-code mitzvahs.
- The Binary Bible includes commandments
* Thou shalt not pirate programs
* the 23rd PROM "Yea, though I commute to the valley each day,
I fear no evil, for my Mazda is running.
You prepare a desk for me in the office of my competitors."
- For Bootists, a mantra: Ohms EPROM RAM ROM.
- For CMOSlems, readings from the CORE-RAM.
- Hymn number 1101101
- "Amazing space, how sweet it is, To have a disk like thee,
My files were lost but now they're found, There's room on my PC."
The end of his pitch promises Nerdvana, and words that restoreth the scroll:
"There's no need to abandon hope, all ye who press ENTER;
in the END everything will be right-justified."
The difference between a cowboy from texas and a cowboy from
Oklahoma is that the cowboy from Oklahoma has the shit on the Outside of
his boots.
You know those little silver balls you put on cakes and cookies?
Well...
There was this family of three boys and a mom and they were all making
christmas cookies when they accidentally spilled them all over the table.
They decided that since they couldn't put them on the cake that they would
eat them all up.
Later that night the first boy wakes up and goes to mommie and says,
"Mommie, mommie I pead a bebe."
Mommie said, "Go back to bed."
Later on in the night the second kid woke up and went to mommie and
said, "Mommie, mommie, I pead a bebe."
Mommie said, "Go back to bed."
The third boy woke up and went to mommie.
Mommie said, "I suppose you pead a bebe to right?"
The boy said, "No mommie. I was jacking off when I shot the dog!"
You know how to tell the Polish secretary(sub stitute any ethnisism) in the
office pool?
She's the one with the white-out on her monitor screen.
What's the new venereal disease that only affects foot fetishists?
Athlete's tongue.
Why is a boss like a diaper?
Always on your ass and full of shit.
Subject: Insurance claims
I hit his car because he got to close.
I let him try out my motorcycle. He was climbing a hill and didn't know the
hill went down the other side and crashed.
I slipped on a string bean in the supermarket. My right leg was bruised and
it's hard to walk on my lower back.
I drove my truck under a bridge and it didn't fit.
I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he'd been run over
before.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.
The reason I have water damage is because I mistook the left side of the
bridge to be the right side.
The pedestrian didn't have any idea of which way to go, so I ran over him.
A huge tree ran out into the street and I couldn't stop in time!
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a layer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and
that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "who
are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the
other, "let's be honest with each other." Okay, you first,"
replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can
arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income
five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you;
you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and
their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"
A minister and a lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you
make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big;
ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?" The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same.
Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil
is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of
lawyers,' so I let it go."
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
The cats keep covering them up with sand.
The only good thing that the Internal revenue has not taxed is your pecker.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed,
30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard-up, and 10% of
the time it is employed but it operates in a hole.
However, it has two dependents and they are both nuts. Accordingly, after
September 1, 1988 your pecker will be taxed on its size, using the 'pecker
checker' scale below. Determine your category and insert the additional tax
under "other taxes" page 2 part V, line c-1 of your standard income tax
return
(form 1040)
NOTE: anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. do not apply for an
extension
Males with peckers in excess of 12" should file under "capital gains"
True or False:
1. A clitoris is a type of flower.
2. A pubic hair is wild rabbit.
3. Spread eagle is a wild bird.
4. Vagina is the medical term to describe heart trouble.
5. A menstraul cycle has 3 wheels.
6. A G-string is part of a violin.
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly".
9. Testicles are found on an octopus.
10. Asphalt describles rectal troubles.
11. KOTEX is a radio station in College Station, TX.
12. Masterbate is used to catch large fish.
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke".
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church.
18. A diaphram is a drawing in pencil
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
20. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
21. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.
22. Pornography is the business of making records.
23. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
24. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
25. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
26. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.
27. Scrotum is a small planet next to Uranus.
28. A vulva is a car from Sweden.
29. A fallopian tube is part of a tv set.
30. It is dangerous to have a wet dream under an electric blanket.
31. McDonald's golden arches is a phallic symbol.
32. Fellatio is an Italian dagger.
33. Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four languages.
What are the six most important men in a women's life?
1. Doctor-because he wants you to take off your cloths....
2. Dentist-because he wants you to open wide...
3. Milkman-because he wants to know if you want it in the front or the rear.
4. Interior Decorator-because he says "when it's up you'll love it!"
5. Hairdresser-because he will say "Do you want it blown or teased?"
6. The last is your BANKER- he will advise you if you withdraw it too soon
you will lose interest.
TO ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SPECIAL INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work
possible it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our
program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our
employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job please see
your supervisor. You will be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T. list for
special
attention.
All of our supervisors are paticularly qualified to see that you get all
the
S.H.I.T. you can handle at your oun speed.
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already you may be interested
in helping us to train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding
Lecture List Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions please address them to our Head of Training
High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.)
Thank You
Boss in General Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
P.S. With the personality some of you display around here you could
easily become the Director of Intensity Training. Special High
Intensity Training (DS).
A boy goes up to his father and says "Dad,how do you spell clitoris ?"
His father answers,"Gee son,I don't know but I had it on the tip of
my tongue just a moment ago."
WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE SKYDIVE?
IT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF THEIR DOGS!
WHY DO WOMEN SKYDIVERS WEAR TAMPONS?
SO THEY DON'T WHISTLE ON THE WAY DOWN
Did ya hear the one about the tugboat who was so down
hearted when she learned that her mother was a tramp and
her father was a ferry?
How about the little tree who tried to determine his parentage. He asked the
wise old oak what kind of tree he was. "I don't know," the oak said, "if
you're a son of a beech or a son of a birch, but I do know your mother was the
greatest piece of ash in this forest."
There were these two old men, Sol and Abe, who REALLY loved
baseball. They went to every game played in town; they subscribed to
Sports Illustrated and The Sporting News - they lived, ate, and breathed
baseball.
One day, Abe passed away. His friend, Sol, was desolute, but he kept
up with the baseball. Months went by, and Sol was lonely without his
good friend Abe. And, one day, as Sol was walking down the street, he
heard a strange, yet familiar, voice from around him.
"Solly...can you hear me...? I'm heeeeeere, Sol..." Well, Sol was
confused and shaken, but he had the presence of mind to answer back:
"Who's there? Who are you?"
"Sooollll, it's your old friend, AAAAAbe... I'm talking to you from
Heeeeeeaven...."
"ABE! Is that YOU? Really? H-h-how are you doing? What's Heaven
LIKE?", sputtered Sol.
"Soolllllll, it's greeeaaat! I love it! You will, toooooo...
But...I've good news and bad news for you, Soolllly..."
"Yeah? Wow! Well, tell me the good news, Abe!"
"Sollll, the good news is that there's BASEball here in
Heavvvven..."
"Great, Abe!...So, what's the bad news???"
"Soollll, the bad news is...you're batting 'cleanup' tomorrow...."
And why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
A good-looking woman passed by this Indian and he raised his right hand and
said, "Chance." The woman stopped for a moment, then said, "Wait a minute.
I've read about Indians before, you're supposed to say 'How'." To which the
indian replied, "I already know HOW lady, I just want a chance!"
There was this Newfoundland priest hearing confessions when he had a sudden
urge to take a piss. He didn't want to close down the confessionals so he
decides to find someone to fill on for a couple of minutes while he
relieves himself. He looks outside and there is a janitor standing there.
The priest asks him if he will fill in for a few minutes. The janitor is
reluctant because he doesn't know much about the job. The priest explains
that people come in and confess, and you just read the chart on the wall,
and give the appropriate pennance. The janitor agrees and the priest
hurries off to the washroom. A guy comes in and confesses to the janitor
that he has committed oral sex. The janitor looks at the chart, but the
penalty for oral sex isn't on the list. He didn't know what to do, so he
decided to ask someone. He looks outside and there is a choir boy standing
there. The janitor says "What does the Father usually give for oral sex?".
The choir boy replies "Usually just a bag of chips and a can of Coke."
Two young boys see a female playmate crying. One ask her why, and she
tells him that she is mentrating for the first time and shows him her pad.
He goes back to the other boy. "Well, why was she crying?"
" You'd cry too if somebody cut off your balls."
Q: What were Christ's last words to the Mexicans before he died?
A: "Don't do anything until I come back..."
According to a recent survey, the Three Biggest Lies are:
1. "The check's in the mail."
2. "I won't come in your mouth."
3. "I'm Black, and proud of it!"
And, the Two Biggest Polish Lies are:
1. "The check's in your mouth."
2. "I won't come in the mail."
A MAN WON A MILLION DOLLARS IN THE STATE LOTTERY
HE GAVE $1000.00 TO EACH OF HIS THREE GIRLFRIENDS
ONE SPENT ALL OF IT ON HERSELF
ONE SPENT HALF ON HIM & HALF ON HERSELF
THE LAST ONE INVESTED THE $1000.00 AND MADE $20000.00, SHE SPENT $1000.00
ON HERSELF, PAID BACK THE $1000.00 TO THE BOYFRIEND.
WHICH ONE DID HE MARRY?
THE ONE WITH THE BIG TITS!!
"Don't Drive and Park! Accidents Cause People !"
Twelve Days of Christmas
1st.DAY
My dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge
in a pear tree! What a truly delightful gift. Thank you 'Darling'
for the lovely thought.
With deep love & affection
Your everloving Agnes!
2nd DAY
My Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift ----
Two Turtle Doves, I am Delighted. They are adorable!
All my love,
Your everloving Agnes!
3rd DAY
Dearest John,
Oh! How extravagent you are! I really must protest! I dont deserve
such generosity! Three french hens I insist....you are too kind
Your loving Agnes!
4th DAY
Dearest John,
The four calling birds that I received today are lovely, and
should be good company for the hens, doves and partridges!
I really must consider getting an aviary!
Kind regards, Agnes!
5th DAY
Dear John,
What a surprise ... today the postman delivered Five Gold Rings!-
One for every finger. You are really impossible, but I love you.
Frankly though, all the birds are beginning to sqwark and get
on my nerves!
Regards Agnes!
6th DAY
Dear Johnathon!,
When I open the door this morning there were actually six bloody
great geese laying eggs ALL over the porch! What in hell do
you expect me to do with all of them?? The neighbors are beginning
to complain and I can't sleep! PLEASE STOP!!!!
Cordially Yours Agnes!
7th DAY
JOHN!
What is it with you and these rotten birds??? Now I get SEVEN
SWANS ARE SWIMMING!!!!!!!!!! IS THIS SOME SORT OF A GODDAMMED
JOKE????? The house is full of BIRD SHIT and IT IS NOT FUNNY ANY
MORE!!! Stop sending these bloody Birds!!!!!
Yours Agnes!
8th DAY
O.K. BUSTER,
I THINK I PREFER THE GODAMMED BIRDS.... WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING
TO DO WITH EIGHT BLOODY MAIDS-A-MILKING?????? AS IF IT WASNT
ENOUGH WITH ALL THE F..KING BIRDS!! NOW I HAVE EIGHT COWS TO
SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE AND MOO ALL NIGHT.......
AGNES!
9th DAY
LOOK DICKHEAD!
WHAT ARE YOU???? SOME KIND OF NUT???? NOW YOU SEND ME NINE PIPERS
PLAYING AND THEY NEVER F..KING WELL STOP!!! WHEN THEY ARE NOT PLAYING
THEIR BLOODY PIPES THEY KEEP CHASING THE MAIDS THROUGH THE COW SHIT.
THE COWS KEEP MOOING AND TREADING ALL OVER THE BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS ARE NOW
THREATENING TO HAVE ME EVICTED...GET KNOTTED!
AGNES!
10th DAY
YOU ROTTEN BASTARD!
NOW I HAVE TEN LADIES DANCING....HOW ON EARTH ANY ONE CAN CALL
THE WHORES, "LADIES", IS BEYOND ME!! THEY SPEND ALL NIGHT PULLING
THE BLOODY PIPERS!!! THE COWS HAVE DIARRHOEA AND CAN'T SLEEP.
MY LIVING ROOM IS A SEA OF SHIT. THE LANDLORD HAS JUST DECLARED
THE BUILDING UNFIT FOR HABITATION..MINE OR THE ANIMALS'!!!
PISS OFF.... AGNES!
11th DAY
LISTEN SHITFACE,
WITH ELEVEN LORDS A-LEAPING ALL OVER THE MAIDS A-MILKING, WELL, WE
SHALL NEVER WALK AGAIN!!!! THE PIPERS ARE FIGHTING THE LORDS FOR A BIT
OF TIT AND COMITTING SODOMY WITH THE COWS!!! THE BIRDS HAVE ALL BEEN
TRAMPLED TO DEATH AND ARE ROTTING IN THE SHIT HAVING BEEN TRAMPLED
IN THE ORGY!! I HOPE YOU ARE SATISFIED ...YOU BASTARD!!!!
YOUR SWORN ENEMY AGNES!
12th DAY
YOU STINKING LOUSY P...K!
THE TWELVE DRUMMERS DRUMMING HAVE TEAMED UP WITH THE ELEVEN LORDS
A-LEAPING IN MAKING ONE HELL OF A RACKET. BOTH LOTS HAVE BEEN
BUGGERING THE PIPERS AS WELL AS THE COWS.... AND WHO KNOWS WHAT
HAPPENED TO THE MAIDS. THEY HAVE PROBABLY DROWNED IN THE COW
SHIT BY NOW!!!! THE ONLY WAY I HAVE SAVED MYSELF IS TO LOCK
MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM AND TO HIDE IN THE PEARTREE WHICH HAS NOW
GROWN THROUGH THE ROOF! THEY GOT ME BEFORE I COULD GET THE DOOR LOCKED! I'M
PREGNANT!!! YOU ROTTEN BASTARD! THANK GOD IT IS FINALLY CHRISTMAS.....
AGNES!
Q: Why couldn't the computer teacher have sex?
A: Becuase he had a floppy dick!
"I would like to have a tattoo made" said the customer to the
owner of the tattoo shop. "Can you draw a $100.00 bill?"
"Sure!" said the owner. "Just tell me where you want it; is it
going to be in your left arm, right arm, chest, or where?"
"I would like you to draw it on my pecker."
"Are you sure?" said the owner. "It is going to hurt like @#$%^!!"
"Yeap! That's where I want it."
"Why?" asked the owner.
"Three reasons. First, I like to fondle large bills."
"Allright, what's the second?
"Second, I like to watch my money grow."
"OK and what's the third."
"You won't believe it, but my wife can blow one hundred bucks in a
matter of seconds!
A protestant moved into a completly Catholic comunity. Being good Catholics
they welcomed him to their comunity. But, also because they were good
Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor,
receiving his paycheck on Fridays, began barbequuing some juicy steak, they
began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it.
After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went
to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said :
You were born Protestant -
You were raised Protestant -
But now you are Catholic.
And so, the next Friday, the neighbors sat down to eat fish and were
disturbed by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring house. They went over
to talk to the new Catholic because he new he was not supposed to eat beef on
Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinlking catchup on the beef saying :
You were born a cow -
You were raised a cow -
But now you are fish.
This depressed looking chap walks into a inner city bar of the cheap strong
drink sort, sits at the bar and orders a pint of bitter. While the bartender
is getting the man his beer the man sort of casually takes out a tiny piano, an
itty bitty piano bench and a teeny weeny man in a black tux to match the lot.
The little man sits at the bench and begins to play melodiously and
magnificently on the microscopic minute piano. The bartender sees this and his
eyes pop out of his head, his jaw bounces off the floor and this croaking noise
sort of eminates from his throat as he exclaims, "Wow! That's amazing! I
thought I'd seen it all... Where did you find that guy?" The depressed man
sighed and replied, "Well to make a long, sad story short... I was walking
along the beach one day and I came across an old bottle encrusted in sea
growth. I sort of scraped away some of the sea growth and polished it a bit,
when suddenly to my utter astonishment a menacing genie appeared and said in a
thunderous voice, 'Thank you, oh pitiful mortal for freeing me from that
bottle. I shall grant you three wishes. Speak up! What will it be?' I was
scared to death! But I managed to get out that I would like a million bucks,
and what do you know? A check for a million bucks appeared, just like that in
my hand! Then I ordered a limo and driver. It was there as soon as the words
left my mouth! As far as the third wish goes, you can see the depressing
results right there...", and the man pointed sadly toward the mini-man who was
hammering out some heavy jazz on the ivories. The bar tender shook his head
and said, "That's an amazing story pal, but one thing confuses me. What's so
depressing about it all?" The man took a deep breath as if trying not to cry
and answered, "Well, what I really wanted was a ten inch penis..."
Q->Did you hear about the polock that broke his leg at the golf course?
A->He fell off the ball washer.
A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to
her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bithches who want off, get the
hell off now 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who
are getting on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving!"
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in
this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come
out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his
train. Soon the train stopped and the mother, who is still in the kitchen,
heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please
remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with
us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us
again soon.! "For those of you who are just boarding, we ask you to stow all
of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in
the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
today. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please
see the Bitch in the kitchen."
NEW COMPANY POLICY
==================
The personnel department of this organization will apply a new
program to all employees starting immediately.
The program is designed to phase out many jobs of this organization
although no prior official announcement will be made, and will
be called R.A.P.E. (Retire All Personnel Early).
All employees who are "RAPEd" will have an opportunity to seek
other employment and will be able to request a review of their
records before discharge. This phase of the cut-back is dubbed
S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
One last chance is promised by this organization to employees who
have been SCREWed or RAPEd. They may appeal for a final review
called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Employees who are RAPEd may be allowed only one additional SCREWing
but may request the SHAFT as many times as they desire.
-the Management
A black family went to the zoo and the cage with the elephant. The young son
asked his mother "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat elephant?"
"That's his tail, son."
"No, mama, dat other thing!"
"Oh, that's his trunk, son."
"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs!"
"Uh, that's nothin'", replies the mother.
Undaunted, the boy asks his father. "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off
dat elephant?"
"That's his tail, son."
"No, daddy, dat other thing!"
"That's his trunk, son."
"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"
"Oh, that's his penis, son."
"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothin'!"
"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman!"
Q. Whats a platonic relationship???
A. A relationship between a guy who *WANTS* to have sex and a girl who DOESNT!
Q. Whats red and white and falls down the chimmney???
A. Santa Klutz!!!!
And girls, do you know what to do if your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the ground and tampon it!
Dashing through the mall...
On a late December day,
Through the $tores we go
Charging all the way...
(Ching...
Ching...
Ching....)
Bell$ on register$ ring
Making checkbook$ light,
Oh, what fun it is to buy up
Everything in $ight!!
(Ching...
Ching...
Ching...)
..happy holidaze...
Two men go into the doctor's office and sit beside each other.. After a while
they are talking up a storm, and 1 guy says, "I'm in here cuz I have a red ring
around my dick and I don't know what it is!" "Well, I'm in here because I have
a green ring around my dick! What a coincedence" the second exclaimed. So the
1st guy goes into the office, and 15 minutes later he comes out and says to the
second man, "It's fine! Nothing to worry about!" Relieved, the second guy
goes in, and comes back out crying.
"What happened in there?" the first guy asks
"Well, there's a big difference between Lipstick and Gangreen!"
Three guy die and goto hell because of their perverse actions when they
were alive. They meet with the devil and he strikes them a deal,"I'll let
you go to heaven if you can walk 100 stories of stairs without getting a
hard-on." These guys think it's a breeze. The only problem is that on
every landing is a naked lady. So the fist guy takes his shot and doesn't
even make it past the first stair and already pops a rod. The Devil asks
"Well, what did your father do for a living?" The man replied "He was a
Carpenter" so the devil takes a saw and saws his dick off. The next guy
goes and makes it to the 49th floor, but can take it any more and up she
goes. The devil asks" Well, what did YOUR father do fo a living?" The
man replies "He was a butcher" so out comes the clever and he has
no more dick. The third guy gives it a shot but at the 59th floor he can't
hold out anymore. He starts laughing and the devil asks why. He says "my dad
was a lolipop maker and you have to suck my dick off!"
JINGO BELLS
~~~~~~~~~~~
Jingo Bells! Gringo Bells!
Jingo all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
with Teddy's boys today!
Hey!
Jingo Bells! Lob those shells!
We're down here to stay!
It's Yankee Law in Panama -
C'mon and make My Day!
Dashing all our foes, in a plot marked "C.I.A."
Overthrowing those, Who don't see things our way.
A Price on Manuel's Head, Playing to the right,
What fun it is to Laugh and Sing and
Bomb them out of sight!
OHHHHH -
Jingo Bells! Gringo Bells!
Jingo all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to run
The Latins like we say!
Hey!
Jingo Bells! Profit Swells!
Make the peasants PAY!
Protect the RICH! Take back the Ditch!
It's the ALL-AMER'CUN WAY!!!!
A young black lady walks into the drugstore one day and asks for tampons The
druggist asks if she wants mini or maxi pads. Puzzled, she asks "What's the
difference?"
"Well, what's your flow like?"
"Linoleum."
One man told his wife: "I feel ten years younger after I shave in the morning."
Did you ever think of shaving before going to bed?" she responded.
Mrs. Van Horn inherited Penrod, a parrot that swore. After several
embarrassing experiences (which will not be featured on this board), she told
her minister about the problem. "I have a female parrot who is a saint," he
said. "She sits on her perch and prays all day. Bring your parrot over.
Mine'll be a good influence."
The woman brought Penrod to the minister's home. When the cages were placed
together, Penrod cried, "Hi baby! Hows about a little lovin'?" "Great!" replied
the female parrot. "Thats just what I've been prayin' for!."