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A long list of high-quality one-line humorous sayings collected for
years from all over.
* "Breakfast sometime?" "Sure." "Shall I call you, or just nudge you?"
* "Define UNIVERSE; give two examples." "The perceived world; 1) mine,
2) yours."
* "Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long."
* ...all the modern inconveniences... -- Mark Twain
* 28.35 grams of prevention are worth 0.45359 kilograms of cure.
* 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number pi, but an incredible
simulation.
* A Renaissance man diffuses to refine himself. -- Steve Hug
* A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
* A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
-- Ed Nather
* A backscratcher will always find new itches. -- Gomme
* A billion here, a billion there; soon you're talking real money.
-- Sen. Dirksen
* A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
* A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
* A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
* A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
* A cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
-- Mark Twain
* A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
* A committee is an animal with at least six legs, and no brain.
-- Heinlein
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the
library.
* A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing."
-- Ferguson
* A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
* A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
* A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. -- Alfred Kahn
* A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. -- Klipstein
* A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
ducks.
* A good scapegoat is hard to find.
* A harp is a nude piano.
* A helicopter is just a bunch of parts flying in close formation.
* A homeowner's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a weekend for?
* A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Mom.
* A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
* A king's castle is his home.
* A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
* A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- Wright
* A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan
bonds.
* A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
* A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
* A motion to adjourn is always in order.
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A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
-- Wilcox
* A penny saved has not been spent.
* A penny saved is ridiculous.
* A pessimist is a married optimist.
* A poet who reads his verse in public might have other nasty habits.
* A quarter ounce of chocolate equals four pounds of fat.
* A rolling stone gathers momentum.
* A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
* A sentence is worth a thousand words.
* A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the
blackboard.
* A sinking ship gathers no moss. -- Donald Kaul
* A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
* A soft drink turneth away company.
* A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
exam.
* A successful American spends more supporting the government than a
family.
* A theorist right once in ten is a hero; an observer wrong that often is
a bum.
* A theory is better than its explanation. -- Woodward
* A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
* A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
* A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
* A waist is a terrible thing to mind. -- Ziggy
* A watched clock never boils. -- Tom Weller
* A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
* A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
* Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
* About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
* About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
* About when we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
-- Hoover
* Absence makes the heart go wander.
* Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.)
-- Stafford Beer
* Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
* Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is
better.
* According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally
worthless.
* Acting: An art that consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
* Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
* Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
* Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the
middle.
* Adult: One old enough to know better.
* Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
* Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it.
* Adventure is a sign of incompetence. -- Amundsen
* After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
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Bonus Section #2
-- Olmstead
* After painting the town red, take a rest before applying a second
coat.
* Afterism: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too
late. -- Thom
* Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
change.
* Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
* Air is water with holes in it.
* Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in
Brazil.
* Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
* Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, aleph-null bottles of beer...
* Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
* Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
* All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.
-- Lauris
* All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
-- Brilliant
* All generalizations are useless, including this one.
* All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
sane.
* All my life I wanted to be someone; I should have been more specific.
-- Wagner
* All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
* All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
-- Groucho Marx
* All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
won't.
* All signs in Metric for the next 20 miles. -- a sign in Ohio
* All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
* All that glitters has a high refractive index.
* All the good ones are taken. -- Harris
* All the men on my staff can type. -- Bella Abzug
* All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
-- O'Casey
* All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
* All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
* All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
* Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
* Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
* Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
* Always take both skis off before hanging them up.
* Am I in charge here?... No, but I'm full of ideas. -- Dr. Who
* Ambiguity: Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- McCarthy
* Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
* Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same
time.
* Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -- Horngren
* An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if it is aimed well.
* An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. -- Tom Weller
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Bonus Section #2
* An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away.
* An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
* An example of hard water is ice.
* An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
* An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
* An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -- Van Roy
* Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
* Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. -- Murray
* Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
* Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. -- Malek
* Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged"
demo.
* Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
-- Holmes
* Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
* Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
none.
* Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Goldwyn
* Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
* Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
-- Pardo
* Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious. -- James Hogan
* Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
* Aquadextrous: Able to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your
toes.
* Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
* Arithmetic: Counting to twenty without taking off your shoes.
-- Mickey Mouse
* Art is anything you can get away with. -- Marshall McLuhan
* As God is my witness, Andy, I thought that turkeys could fly. -- WKRP
* As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
* Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and pay only station-to-station
rates.
* At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
-- Peter Alaquon
* Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by
five.
* Authority: A person who can tell you more than you really care to
know.
* Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
* Babies can't walk because their legs aren't long enough to reach the
ground.
* Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
* Bachelor: A man who never made the same mistake once.
* Bachelor: A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
-- Quinn
* Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
* Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall
* Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
door.
* Be careful of reading health books; you might die of a misprint.
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Bonus Section #2
-- Mark Twain
* Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty.
* Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
-- James Kirk
* Begathon: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money.
-- Hall
* Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats. -- O'Neill
* Behold the warranty: The bold print giveth, and the fine print taketh
away.
* Being a good communicator means people find out what's really wrong
with you.
* Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing
with men.
* Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
* Best gift for the person who has everything: A burglar alarm.
* Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
-- Mae West
* Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
* Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
* Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
* Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night.
* Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the Earth.
* Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
* Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as
wheels.
* Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
* Bore: He who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about
yourself.
* Bore: Wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Winchell
* Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
-- Ambrose Bierce
* Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
* Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
* Budget: A method of worrying before you spend money, as well as
afterward.
* Bureaucrat: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabe
* Bureaucrat: A politician with tenure.
* Business will be either better or worse. -- Calvin Coolidge
* But officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
* By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you
questions.
* California is proud to be the home of the freeway. -- Ronald Reagan
* Calling a person a runner-up is a polite way of saying they lost.
* Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
* Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
* Charm: A way of getting a "yes" -- without having asked any clear
question.
* Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
-- Aldous Huxley
* Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
* Children act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good
manners.
* Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie
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Bonus Section #2
theaters.
* Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
* College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
* Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
* Commitment is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism.
* Commitment: Making time when there is none.
* Common sense: The collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
-- Einstein
* Concept: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant bills more than
$25,000.
* Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation.
* Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb
* Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
-- H. L. Mencken
* Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
-- Mencken
* Conscience: The inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
-- Mencken
* Conscience: The thing that hurts when everything else feels great.
* Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you
weren't.
* Conservative: A Liberal who has just been mugged.
* Conservative: A person who believes nothing should be done for the
first time.
* Conservative: One who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
* Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
* Consultant: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a
date.
* Consultation: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
* Continental Life. Why do you ask?
* Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
* Could you be a poster child for retroactive birth control?
* Courage: Two cannibals having oral sex.
* Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
-- Bierce
* Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
* Crime does not pay... as well as politics. -- A. E. Newman
* Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-- Steve Wright
* Cynic: A person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
-- Shoaff
* Cynic: A person who tells you the truth about your own motives.
-- Russel Green
* Dare to be average.
* Dark dirt is attracted to light objects, and dark dirt to light
objects.
* Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every
year.
* Death has been proven to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats.
* Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
* Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis
* Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.
* Death: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard
* Deliberation: Examining one's bread to determine which side it is
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A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
buttered on.
* Democracy: The worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken
* Dentists are incapable of asking questions that need a simple yes or no
answer.
* Design simplicity: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
* Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes them
perspire.
* Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way.
* Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
* Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur
coat.
* Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
* Distinctive: A different color or shape than our competitors.
* Do YOU have redeeming social value?
* Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
* Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them. -- Finagle
* Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
* Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
* Don't be fooled by his twinkling eyes; it's the sun shining between his
ears.
* Don't be humble... you're not that great. -- Golda Meir
* Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. -- Burke
* Don't eat the yellow snow.
* Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony
* Don't get even -- get odd!
* Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
* Don't give someone a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.
* Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. -- Scottish Proverb
* Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
* Don't say yes until I finish talking. -- Darryl Zanuck
* Don't screw up the punch line -- Rick & Owen
* Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
-- Hubbard
* Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree.
-- Russell Long
* Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
* Don't use no double negatives, not never.
* Don't worry; the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
* Don't you have anything more useful you could be doing?
* Down with the categorical imperative!
* Drive carefully. We're overstocked. -- Sign in junkyard
* Driving in the snow is a spectator sport.
* Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
paper.
* Drugs are the scenic route to nowhere.
* Ducks? What ducks??
* Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this
morning.
* Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
* Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and
dead.
* Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- Film at eleven.
* Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. -- Jeff Berner
* Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you
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Bonus Section #2
that day.
* Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow it might be illegal.
* Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
* Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak...
* Egotism: Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
* Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average
drivers.
* Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- Groucho Marx's last words
* Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. -- Oscar Wilde's last words
* Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre.
* Elections come and go, but politics are always with us.
* Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
* Eloquence is logic on fire.
* Engineers... they love to change things. -- Leonard McCoy MD
* Enjoy life; you could have been a barnacle.
* Eschew obfuscation.
* Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
-- Woody Allen
* Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought
titanium.
* Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for
it.
* Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
* Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.
-- Atwood
* Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
realize it.
* Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
* Everything in moderation, including moderation.
* Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
* Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. -- O'Brian
* Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. -- Simon
* Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
* Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
* Excellent day to have a rotten day.
* Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. -- Miller
* Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation.
* Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
the work.
* Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing
it.
* Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
-- Horner
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-- Olivier
* Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
ones.
* Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
* Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same
way.
* Familiarity breeds attempt.
* Familiarity breeds children.
* Famous last words: Don't worry, I can handle it.
* Fanatic: Someone who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his
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Bonus Section #2
efforts.
* Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six
months.
* Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
* Federal Reserve: A reserve where federal employees hunt wild game.
* Fenderberg: Deposit that forms on the inside of a car fender after a
snowstorm.
* Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
* Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
* Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches.
-- Longworth
* Fine day for friends. So-so day for you.
* Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
-- Robert Firth
* Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. Landing is the
first.
* Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustment.
* Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
* Football, like religion, brings out the best in people.
-- Larry Chapman
* For a good time, call 555-3100.
* For adult education, nothing beats children.
* For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
-- Anthony Battista
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-- Harrison
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
-- Main
* For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they
will like.
* For some reason, this statement reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
* For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
like.
* Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
* Fortune favors the lucky. -- Tom Weller
* Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
* Four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy...
* Four wheel drive: Lets you get more stuck, further from help.
* Friends: People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
* Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.
* Furbling: Walking a maze of ropes even when you are the only person in
line.
* Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom
to use.
* Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
-- Murray
* Genetics: Why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you
should.
* Genius is the infinite capacity for picking brains.
* Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
"bright".
* Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
* Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my
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A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
lever.
* Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
* Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine
* Give your very best today. Heaven knows it is little enough.
* Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of
pregnancy.
* Gleemites: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
* Go away. I'm all right. -- last words of H. G. Wells
* Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
* Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. -- Mark Twain
* God don't make mistakes. That's how He got to be God.
-- Archie Bunker
* God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
* God is a polythiest.
* God is not dead. He is alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
* God is not dead. He is alive and working on a much less ambitious
project.
* God is not dead. He just couldn't find a parking place.
* God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
* God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
* God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
* Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
* Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
* Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
* Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- George Saunders's last
words
* Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
-- Wiker
* Graft: An illegal means of uniting trees to make money.
* Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights...
once.
* Gravity: What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
* Great minds run in great circles.
* Group IQ: Lowest IQ of any member divided by the number of people in
the group.
* Grub first, then ethics. -- Bertolt Brecht
* HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS
* Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.
* Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
* Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather
large.
* Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
* Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. -- Ogden Nash
* Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
* Have an adequate day.
* Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your
brain.
* Having children will turn you into your parents.
* He has the heart of a little child... it's in a jar on his desk.
* He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the
most words.
* He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
* He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
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Bonus Section #2
* He who dies with the most toys, wins.
* He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
* He who hesitates is a damned fool. -- Mae West
* He who invents adages to peruse takes along rowboat when going on
cruise.
* He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
* He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news.
-- Bertolt Brecht
* He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
* He who shouts the loudest has the floor. -- Swipple
* He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks.
-- Chinese proverb
* He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* Heat expands: In the summer the days are longer.
* Heisenberg might have been here.
* Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
* History chronicles the small portion of the past that was suitable for
print.
* History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
* Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
* Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
-- Ray Bandy
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
-- Charles de Gaulle
* How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so
well?
* How do you make an elephant float? Two scoops of elephant and some
rootbeer...
* How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are
on.
* How long should a man's legs be? Long enough to reach the ground.
-- Lincoln
* How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? All you can
afford.
* How many weeks are there in a light year?
* How much sin can you get away with and still go to heaven?
* How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
* How to regain your virginity: Reverse the process until it returns.
* How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
* Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
* Humor is the best antidote to reality.
* I am a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my
brain.
* I am a Libra. Libras don't believe in astrology. -- Al Hibbs
* I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
humans.
* I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde's last words, sipping
champagne
* I am not a crook. -- Richard Nixon
* I am not a lovable man. -- Richard Nixon.
* I am not as dumb as you look.
* I am not cynical, just experienced.
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* I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life.
* I am really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real
soon, OK?
* I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. -- Will Rogers
* I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
* I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my
mother.
* I can relate to that.
* I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.
-- the Wizard of Oz
* I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
* I do desire we may be better strangers. -- Shakespeare
* I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Brilliant
* I doubt, therefore I might be.
* I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West
* I hate quotations. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
* I have already told you more than I know.
* I have heard about people like me, but I never made the connection.
-- McLean
* I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
-- Albran
* I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
-- Wilde
* I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
-- John D. Rockefeller
* I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill Hoest
* I know on which side my bread is buttered. -- John Heywood
* I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
* I love mankind... It's people I hate. -- Schulz
* I love my job; it's the work I can't stand.
* I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad.
-- Allen
* I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
-- Brilliant
* I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? -- Benjamin Disraeli
* I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
-- Woolcott
* I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
-- Marx
* I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was
wrong.
* I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
-- G. B. Shaw
* I promise we would only loose ten to twenty million TOPS!
-- Dr. Strangelove
* I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
* I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
-- Marilyn Chambers
* I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
* I shot an arrow into the air and it stuck. -- graffito in Los Angeles
* I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steve Wright
* I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: Let the Wookee win. -- CP30
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Bonus Section #2
* I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. -- Nash
* I think we are all Bozos on this bus.
* I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae West
* I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the
lost.
* I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure.
* I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -- Woody Allen
* I will always love the false image I had of you.
* I will never lie to you.
* I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
* I would have made a good pope. -- Richard Nixon
* I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
* I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -- Cerebus
* I would never join any club that would have the likes of me as a
member. -- Marx
* I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what he's working
on now.
* I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal
lobotomy.
* I'll race you to China. You can have a head start. Ready, set, GO!
* I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? -- Harold Urey
* I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-- Allen
* I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
* I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
* I'm pretty good with BS but I love listening to an expert. Keep
talking.
* I've been in more laps than a napkin. -- Mae West
* Ice cream cures all ills. Temporarily. -- Seleznick
* Idiot box: Part of an envelope that tells a person where to place the
stamp.
* If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
* If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
* If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all his windows.
-- Yiddish proverb
* If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
* If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted Turner
* If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.
-- Sheridan
* If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
* If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. -- Silverman
* If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
* If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
-- G. K. Chesterton
* If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
* If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an
improvement.
* If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
-- McGowan
* If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
* If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
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Bonus Section #2
* If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
* If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
* If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
-- Leonard Levinson
* If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of
adolescence.
* If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical
methods.
* If in doubt, mumble.
* If it is Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
* If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
* If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
* If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
* If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
* If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
* If one hundred people do a foolish thing, one will become injured.
* If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
* If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be
enough.
* If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
-- G. B. Shaw
* If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
* If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on
vacation.
* If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.
-- Ellis
* If the ship is not sinking, the rats must be the ones not leaving.
* If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
* If the shoe fits, it's ugly. -- Gold
* If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe
* If this saying did not exist, somebody would have invented it.
* If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
* If we all work together we can totally disrupt the system.
-- Brilliant
* If we knew what the hell we were doing, then it wouldn't be research.
* If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
-- Zisla
* If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's
affection.
* If you are not very clever you should be conciliatory.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
* If you are seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it.
* If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
-- J. Paul Getty
* If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
* If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
* If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have
them on.
* If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman
* If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
-- Stoppard
* If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it. -- Slous
* If you do not change direction you are likely to end up where you are
Humor Digest - September 90
A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
headed.
* If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
* If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.
* If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
* If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
-- Coolidge
* If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand,
someone will.
* If you have kleptomania, you can always take something for it.
* If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
* If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
-- Hempstone
* If you liked Earth, you will love Heaven.
* If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
-- Graham Summer
* If you look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to
travel. -- Fuch
* If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break. -- Schmidt
* If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
* If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
* If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
* If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
* If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?
* If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Wright
* If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. -- Ronald Reagan
* If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
* Ignorance: When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
* Ignore previous fortune.
* Imports are ports very far inland.
* In America, it is not how much an item costs, it is how much you save.
* In English, every word can be verbed.
* In a ham and egg breakfast, the chicken was involved, but the pig was
committed.
* In a modern household, the only things we have to wash by hand are
children.
* In an orderly world, there is always a place for the disorderly.
* In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the
enemy.
* In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. -- Butler
* In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
* In process: So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost
hopeless.
* In the first half of our life we learn habits that shorten the second
half.
* In this world, truth can wait; she is used to it.
* Ingrate: Bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
* Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids!
* Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and
cook.
* Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
* Interchangeable parts won't.
* Is it time for lunch yet?
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Bonus Section #2
* Is there life before death? -- Belfast Graffito
* Is this really happening?
* It ain't loafing unless they can prove it. -- Dick Brown
* It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
* It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
* It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew Mathis
* It is better to be on penicillin than never to have loved at all.
* It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice
versa.
* It is better to burn out than to fade away.
* It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at
all.
* It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
* It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
* It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
-- Tom Weller
* It is better to wear out than to rust out.
* It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral
legislators.
* It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
* It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
-- Washlesky
* It is later than you think.
* It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
problem.
* It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
* It is not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such
fools.
* It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
-- epitaph
* It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his
father.
* It seems to make an auto driver mad if she misses you.
* It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
-- Mark Twain
* It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
* It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
* It works better if you plug it in.
* It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of
everything.
* It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca.
* It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. -- Wright
* It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
* It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
* It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
* It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's
nervous!
* It's here at last: Released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
* It's not easy being green. -- Kermit
* It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
* It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
* Jesus saves; Moses invests; but only Buddha pays dividends.
* Journalism is literature in a hurry. -- Matthew Arnold
* Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at
Humor Digest - September 90
A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
it.
* Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get
you.
* Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
* Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large
needle.
* Justice: A decision in your favor.
* Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
* Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
* Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
* Keep the pointy end forward and the dirty side down.
* Klatu barada nikto.
* Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
* Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity
* Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.
* Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry Camp
* Krogt: The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
* LSD soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess reality.
* Lactomangulation: Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton.
* Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
* Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
* Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
* Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
* Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
* Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
* Liberal: A Conservative who has just been arrested.
* Liberal: Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a
communist.
* Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
* Life -- love it or leave it.
* Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
-- Miss November, 1966
* Life is a game of bridge -- and you have just been finessed.
* Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.
* Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
* Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
* Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out.
* Life is like a sewer... What you get out of it depends on what you put
into it.
* Life is like an analogy.
* Life is not for everyone.
* Life is wasted on the living.
* Life might have no meaning, or worse, it might have a meaning you don't
like.
* Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. -- Sanka ad
* Life: A brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
* Little things come in small packages. -- Tom Weller
* Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
* Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
* Logic is a means of CONFIDENTLY being wrong.
* Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. -- Kettering
* Losing your driver's license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,
BOOGA!"
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Bonus Section #2
* Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
* Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
* Love is being stupid together.
* Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
* Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-- H. L. Mencken
* Love means nothing to a tennis player.
* Love your enemies. It will make them crazy.
* Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic
needs.
* Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. -- Andy Warhol
* Magnocartic: Any automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping
carts.
* Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
* Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
* Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
* Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
* Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. -- Fred Allen
* Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark Twain
* Man who arrives at party two hours late finds he has been beaten to the
punch.
* Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
* Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
* Mankind has never reconciled itself to the ten commandments.
* Many a family tree needs trimming.
* Many are called, but few are at their desks.
* Many are cold, but few are frozen.
* Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
* Marriage is a rest period between romances.
* Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
* Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
* Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?
* Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for
it.
* Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
* Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire
* Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
* Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
* Mathematicians take it to the limit.
* Matrimony is the root of all evil.
* Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned without a
receipt.
* Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
* Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.
* May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
* May you have many friends and very few living enemies.
* Measure with a micrometer; mark with chalk; cut with an axe. -- Ray
* Meeting: A gathering where the minutes are kept and the hours lost.
-- Gourd
* Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
* Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx
* Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- Groucho Marx
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Bonus Section #2
* Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
-- Oscar Wilde
* Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
* Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. -- J. K. Galbraith
* Modesty: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
* Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it can certainly rent it for a couple of
hours.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it lets you be miserable in comfort.
* Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
* Monotony: The practice of having only one spouse at a time.
* Most general statements are false, including this one.
-- Alexander Dumas
* Mountain range: A cooking stove used at high altitudes.
* Mummy: An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
* Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
* My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
-- Iphicrates
* My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
* My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
* My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
-- Wilde
* Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
* Narcolepulacy: The contagious action of yawning.
* Necessity is a mother.
* Neckties strangle clear thinking. -- Lin Yutang
* Neutrinos have bad breadth.
* Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
* Never eat anything bigger than your head. -- Kliban
* Never give an inch!
* Never have any children, only grandchildren. -- Gore Vidal
* Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
-- Billy Rose
* Never laugh at live dragons. -- Bilbo Baggins
* Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
* Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -- Hartley
* Never verb your nouns.
* New: Different color from previous model.
* Nice guys don't finish nice.
* No guts, no glory.
* No maintenance: Impossible to fix.
* No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
* No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn
next. -- Howe
* No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it would.
* No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake
it.
* No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
* No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
* Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
* Nobody ever has a reservation on a plane that leaves from Gate 1.
* Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
* Nobody knows the trouble I have been.
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Bonus Section #2
* Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
* Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. -- Heisenberg
* Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
* Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not
poets.
* Nothing can be done in one trip. -- Snider
* Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
* Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
* Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
* Nothing recedes like success. -- Walter Winchell
* Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. -- Mark Twain
* Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
-- Kim Hubbard
* Now and then an innocent person is sent to the Legislature.
* Now it's time to say goodbye, to all our company... M-I-C, K-E-Y,
M-O-U-S-E.
* Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
* Nugloo: Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead.
* Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. -- Plato
* Often it is fatal to live too long. -- Racine
* Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to conceive.
-- Herold
* Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
* Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
* Omniscience: Talking only about things you know about.
* On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
-- W. C. Fields's epitaph
* Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it
worse.
* Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Thrice is enemy action.
* Once upon a time, charity was a virtue and not an organization.
* One Bell System -- it sometimes works.
* One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
* One size fits all: Doesn't fit anyone.
* One thing leads to another, and usually does.
* One word of advice: Don't give it.
* Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
* Only fools are quoted. -- Anonymous
* Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. -- Ducharme
* Our parents were never our age.
* Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy Ash
* Our problems are mostly behind us. Now we have to fight the
solutions.
* Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
* Oversteer is when the passenger is scared; understeer when the driver
is scared.
* Packrat's credo: "I have no use for it, but I hate to see it go to
waste."
* Paper is always strongest at the perforations. -- Corry
* Paradise is exactly like where you are, only MUCH, MUCH better.
-- Anderson
* Paradox: An assistant to PhDs.
* Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
* Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.
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Bonus Section #2
* People have one thing in common: They are all different.
* People sweat is they won't catch fire while making love.
* People who take cat naps usually don't sleep in a cat's cradle.
* People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who
do.
* People will buy anything that is one to a customer. -- Lewis
* Perfect guest: One who makes his host feel at home.
* Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
* Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
* Phasers locked on target, Captain.
* Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
* Pity the poor egg; it only gets laid once.
* Politics consists of deals and ideals.
* Politics: The art of turning influence into affluence.
* Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
* Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
-- Ryan
* Power means not having to respond.
* Predestination was doomed from the start.
* Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
* Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
* Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
* Professor: One who talks in someone else's sleep.
* Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly
wrong.
* Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
-- Nash
* Proofreading is more effective after publication. -- Barker
* Proximity isn't everything, but it comes close.
* Puritan: Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having
fun.
* Quack!
* Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it is the only one we have.
* Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
* Question Authority... and the Authorities will question you!
* Quinine is the bark of a tree; canine is the bark of a dog.
* Quit working and play for once!
* Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
* Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
* Reality -- what a concept! -- Robin Williams
* Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. -- Lily Tomlin
* Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not sing.
* Refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
* Reputation: What others are not thinking about you.
* Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-- von Braun
* Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. -- Wright
* Rugged: Too heavy to lift.
* Rumper sticker on a horse: "Get off my tail, because shit happens."
* Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
-- Swayze
* Sacred cows make great hamburger.
Humor Digest - September 90
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Bonus Section #2
* Sailing: A form of mast transit.
* Science is material. Religion is immaterial.
* Scotty, beam me up a double!
* Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
* Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. -- James Thurber
* Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. -- Alfred Whitehead
* Serendipity: The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
* Sex is dirty only when it's done right. -- Woody Allen
* Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
* She walks as if balancing the family tree on her nose.
* Showing up is 80% of life. -- Woody Allen
* Sign on bank: "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR
DEPOSIT."
* Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
* Snow and adolescence are problems that disappear if you ignore them
long enough.
* Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
* Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
* Some men are discovered; others are found out.
* Some people are afraid of heights. I am afraid of widths.
* Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they
go.
* Some people who can, should not.
* Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
* Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
* Someday you'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
* Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
* Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
* Spirobits: The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
* Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
* Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside
down.
* Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
* Stock item: We shipped it once before and we can do it again.
* Stop committing useless mistakes. Make your next mistake count!
* Strategy is when you keep firing so the enemy doesn't know you're out
of ammo.
* Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
* Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without being
discouraged.
* Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. -- Donald Kaul
* Sweater: A garment worn by a child when his parent feels chilly.
* System-independent: Works equally poorly on all systems.
* Tact: The unsaid part of what you are thinking.
* Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
* Technique: A trick that works.
* Teenagers are two year olds with hormones and wheels. -- Will Limon
* Telepathy: Knowing what people think when really they don't think at
all.
* Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
* That must be wonderful; I don't understand it at all. -- Moliere
* That that is is that that is not is not.
* The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
* The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
Humor Digest - September 90
A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
* The Society of Independent People has no members.
* The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes
bad.
* The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
-- Clifton Fadiman
* The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. -- Blair
* The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
* The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
* The chief cause of problems is solutions.
* The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
* The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
down.
* The cow is a machine that makes grass fit for us people to eat.
-- John McNulty
* The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other, milk.
-- Ogden Nash
* The death rate on Earth is: One per person.
* The decision does not have to be logical; it was unanimous.
* The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
* The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
* The early worm gets the late bird.
* The fact that it works is immaterial. -- Ogborn
* The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
* The fewer the data points, the smoother the curve. -- May
* The first myth of management is that it exists. -- Heller
* The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone,
ever.
* The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-- Ehrlich
* The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my
tongue.
* The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. -- Shakespeare
* The following statement is not true...
* The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
* The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school
counselors.
* The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
* The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
* The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
-- Einstein
* The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and
miss.
* The law of gravity was enacted by the British Parliament.
* The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
* The meek shall inherit the Earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
* The meek shall inherit the Earth after we are done with it.
* The more things change, the more they stay insane. -- Tom Weller
* The more things change, the more they will never be the same again.
* The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
* The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
* The moving finger having writ... gestures.
* The next thing I say will be true. The last thing I said was false.
Humor Digest - September 90
A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
* The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
choose from.
* The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your
action.
* The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please multiply by i and dial
again.
* The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing
it.
* The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. -- Oscar Wilde
* The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-- Oscar Wilde
* The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine
* The other line always moves faster.
* The past is another country; they do things differently there.
* The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. -- Finagle
* The plural of "musical instrument" is "orchestra".
* The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
* The race is not always to the swift... but that's the way to bet.
-- Runyon
* The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
* The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.
* The second best policy is dishonesty.
* The secret of life is to look good at a distance. -- Snoopy
* The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have
it made.
* The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
-- Diana Rigg
* The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-- Altito
* The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
-- Ogden
* The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple
something.
* The supernova makes Mt. St. Helens and Krakatoa look puny.
-- Time Magazine
* The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men
think.
* The things that interest people most are usually none of their
business.
* The total intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is
growing.
* The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
* The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
* The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. -- Gomme
* The wind blows harder in the summer so the sun sets later.
* The word today is legs... Spread the word.
* The world is run by C students.
* The world isn't any worse. It's just that the news coverage is so much
better.
* The worst you can say about God is that he's an underachiever.
-- Woody Allen
* The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z.
* Theft from a single author is plagiarism. Theft from three or more is
Humor Digest - September 90
A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
research.
* There are many excuses for being late, but there are none for being
early.
* There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
* There are more things in heaven and earth than anyplace else.
-- Tom Weller
* There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
-- Kissinger
* There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
* There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
-- Spock
* There is a vas deferens between men and women.
* There is always more hell that needs raising. -- Lauren Leveut
* There is an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
* There is at least one fool in every married couple.
* There is exactly one true categorical statement. -- John Kessenich
* There is intelligent life on Earth, but I am just visiting.
* There is no future in time travel.
* There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. -- Shick
* There is no room in the drug world for amateurs. -- Raoul Duke
* There is no time like the pleasant.
* There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
* There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
* There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
-- Dali
* There is so much to say, but your eyes keep interrupting me.
* There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
* There must be more to life than having everything.
* There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to
life.
* They also surf who only stand on waves.
* They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-- General Sedgwick's last words
* They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the
Chivas!
* Things are more like they are today then they ever were before.
-- Eisenhower
* Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
* Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
* Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
-- Will Rogers
* Think honk if you are telepathic.
* This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
* This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
* This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
* This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
* This is a good time to punt work.
* This is a recording.
* This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
-- Winston Churchill
* This may not be the best of all worlds, but it is certainly the most
expensive.
* This saying would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
* This sentence no verb.
Humor Digest - September 90
A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
* This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer.
* This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
it.
* Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
* Those who like sausages and the law had better not watch either one
being made.
* Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. -- Ben Franklin
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* Time flies when you don't know what you are doing.
* Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
* Time is an illusion; lunchtime doubly so.
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
* Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.
* Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in LA.
-- Wright
* To YOU I am an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
-- Woody Allen
* To be safe, make a copy of everything before you destroy it.
* To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
* To err is human. To blame someone else for your errors is even more
human.
* To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
* To keep milk from turning sour, you should keep it in the cow.
* To make a small fortune in the commodities market, start with a large
fortune.
* To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
* To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?
* Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
* Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
* Today is the last day of the past of your life.
* Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
* Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.
-- Rilla May
* Tomorrow looks like a good day to sleep in.
* Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
* Too much is not enough.
* Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West
* Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. -- Judy Garland
* Tragedy: A busload of lawyers driving off a cliff with three empty
seats.
* Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
-- Han Solo
* Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
* Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
* Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
* Try to live forever or die in the attempt.
* Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
* Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long. -- Howard Kandel
* Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
* Two heads are more numerous than one. -- Tom Weller
* Two is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2. -- Grabel
* Two wrongs are only the beginning. -- Kohn
* Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed.
Humor Digest - September 90
A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
* Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it is just the
opposite.
* Under every stone lurks a politician. -- Aristophanes
* Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
* Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
* Volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
* Vote anarchist.
* Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
* We are all politicians. Some of us are just honest enough to admit
it.
* We are all self-made, but only the rich will admit it.
* We are living in a golden age. All you need is gold. -- Robertson
* We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
-- John Fisher
* We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
-- Swift
* We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed.
* We are the people our parents warned us about. -- Jimmy Buffet
* We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt.
-- Sign in bank
* We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
-- Richard Nixon
* We don't have to protect the environment. The Second Coming is at
hand. -- Watt
* We have them just where they want us. -- James Kirk
* We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
* We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
* We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the
allegators.
* We will get along fine as soon as you realize I am God.
* We will have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam
meter.
* Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. -- John Heywood
* Well adjusted: Makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
* Well-adjusted: Able to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
* What can't be said, can't be said. And it can't be whistled, either.
-- Tirtha
* What did you bring the book I want to be read to out of about Down
Under up for?
* What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good
start.
* What do you call a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough
sand.
* What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
* What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Key
* What is orange and goes "click, click"? A ball point carrot.
* What is research but a blind date with knowledge? -- Will Harvey
* What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the
same.
* What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking someone to do.
* What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
* What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
-- Ursula LeGuin
* What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? -- J. D. Farley
Humor Digest - September 90
A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
* What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country
needs.
* What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter Beagle
* What! Me worry? -- Alfred E. Newman
* What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
-- Fry
* Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
* When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
-- Charles Smith
* When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained a virgin.
-- L. Carter
* When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better.
-- Mae West
* When Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. -- Tom Lehrer
* When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain
* When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
* When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble,
delegate.
* When in doubt, lead trump.
* When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
* When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
* When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
* When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
-- Dylan Thomas
* When someone says, "It ain't the money, but the principle," it's the
money.
* When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. -- Lynch
* When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter Thompson
* When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
* When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
* When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
* When you breathe you inspire. When you do not breathe you expire.
* When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
* When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
* When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
-- LBJ
* When you've seen one non-sequitar, the price of tea in China.
* When your memory goes, forget it!
* Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
* Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
-- Parnas
* Where is Denver? Denver is just below the O in Colorado.
* Where there's a whip there's a way.
* Where there's a will, there's a relative.
* Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your
back.
* Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, it was the
rooster.
* Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
* While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
position.
* White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
* Who cares about procreation, as long as it tickles?
* Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? -- Hattie McDaniel
Humor Digest - September 90
A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
* Who was that masked man?
* Who's on first?
* Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
* Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
* Why did the chicken cross the road? He was giving it last rites.
* Why doesn't life come with subtitles?
* Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
* Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than horses?
-- Liddy
* Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
-- Lily Tomlin
* Why would anyone want to be called Later?
* Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
* With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
* Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
* Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
* Work is the curse of the drinking class.
* Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
* Yawning is an orgasm for your face. -- Gunvar Ingeborg
* Years of development: We finally got one to work.
* Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
* Yield to temptation; it might not pass your way again.
* Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also
"computer").
* You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
* You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
* You are not paranoid if they're really after you...
* You are ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
* You are warm and giving toward others. What are you after?
* You aren't a real engineer until you make one $50,000 mistake.
* You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is
sufficient.
* You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind
word.
* You can observe a lot just by watchin'. -- Yogi Berra
* You can rent this profound space for only $5 a week.
* You can't have Kate and Edith too!
* You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
* You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
* You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
* You could be playing a video game instead.
* You fill a much-needed gap.
* You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
* You have been selected for a secret mission.
* You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot
today.
* You know you have landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
* You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
-- Whistler
* You now have Asian Flu.
* You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
* You will be surprised by a loud noise.
* You will feel hungry again in another hour.
* You will live a long full life and gradually decay into a useless
Humor Digest - September 90
A Huge List Of One Liners
Bonus Section #2
blob.
* You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
* You will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
* You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please
disregard.
* You will soon forget this.
* You will step on the night soil of many countries.
* You won't skid if you stay in a rut. -- Frank Hubbard
* You would if you could but you can't so you won't (and probably
shouldn't).
* You'll find it all at Greeley Mall. -- Radio advertisement
* Your chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...
uh...
* Your check is in the mail.
* Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
* Your love life will be... interesting.
* Your lucky number has been disconnected.
* Your lucky number is 364958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
* Your reasoning is silly and irrational but it is beginning to make
sense.
* Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
* Youth is too good to be wasted on the young. -- G. B. Shaw
* [He] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
-- Churchill
* [Nuclear war]... may not be desirable. -- Edwin Meese III
* f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
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