message is full. These messages are hard to read as the text scrolls off
the screen before you have a chance to read it all. But then again, being
written by a loser, it's probably to your benefit that you couldn't read
it.
Then, of course, so often messages posted in a conference deal with
some topic which plainly should be posted in some other conference.
Again, these losers just don't seem to understand that the title of the
conferences should somehow give them an idea of where to post something.
Then, there's the loser who posts the same message on 3 different
conferences, just to make sure all the losers read it (losers often aren't
even aware that the other conferences exist, let alone what they're for).
d) Now, invariably, sysops find themselves chatting with losers. This is
perhaps the single most difficult and taxing chore of running a BBS. A
solid loser can drive you to drink at the best of times, and force you
into a state of temporary insanity at worst (to date, thank God, we still
don't know of any sysops who committed suicide following a chat with a
loser). Firstly, losers must be taught that it is "chat" protocol to
leave a blank line between what they say, to indicate that they are
finished saying whatever and are now waiting for a reply. Chatting with a
loser is so boring and frustrating because of the speed he's typing at,
without making the sysop decide whether or not the gumby has finished
typing. Next, understanding a loser is sometimes a difficult chore. The
loser seems to have his own vocabulary. Essentially, they use many words
which are obvious misspellings of regularly used words. The only theory
I've been able to come up with that accounts for this bizarre behavior is
that they do this to cover up the fact that they make spelling mistakes
every 5 or 6 words, so this way you're never sure if he misspelled it, or
whether its just another part of his regular "vocabulary". Remember that
losers (based on the number of times they select the main menu as their
Humor Digest - October 90
The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
command) have a hard time remembering the 20 or so options available to
them on the BBS, let alone the English language. Chatting with one of
these people is similar to talking with a caveman (or Arnold
Schwartzenegger; only difference is that Arnie's smart... He carries a
gun with him so no-one bothers him, and he never logs onto a BBS). What
is really disturbing are situations where you heap sarcasm and criticism
on a loser, and he doesn't even realize it! An example:
Sysop: Good day. What did you want to ask me?
Loser: Wow, are u the sysop?
Sysop: No, I'm the zit on your face.
Loser: Iv never talk to sysop be4. This is awesum!
Sysop: Whatever. What do you want?
Loser: How do i get more acces to the BBS?
Sysop: If you contribute, call regularly, and prove yourself worthy of
a higher access level, you'll get it.
Loser: So what button do i push?
Sysop: What?!
Loser: How do i get acces?
Sysop: You don't.
Loser: Howcum?
Sysop: Cause I said so.
Loser: Ok. But like can i get more time on the BBS?
Sysop: No.
Loser: Oh. U r a k00l d00d thow cant i get to do more stuff?
Sysop: No. Listen I have to split. Talk to you later.
Type B: The Leech
This is the newest victim of a highly contagious virus that is
spreading throughout the land of micro-computing; I refer to it as "NWS"
or "New-Wares Syndrome". You might wonder why I use the term "victim"; I
must stress that it is a VIRUS. Many losers catch it, it might be the
AIDS of computing. Again, you must be a loser in order to catch it, and
once you've got it, it sort of dwells on you for awhile before eventually
leveling off at a certain plateau and finally receding. This NWS cycle
may last anywhere from one to six years, depending on the individual.
Simply put, the virus affects the central nervous system of the brain,
which results in some form of insanity when the person is faced with the
possibility of obtaining new software for his computer. In the very early
manifestation, the bulk of interest lies in games; later more advanced
strains of the virus cause the person to place more interest in utility
programs, some business application software, and other miscellaneous
material. Perhaps one of the most heart-wrenching cases is the person,
who in his crusade for new wares, decides to put up an AE or CatFur line
in the hopes that it will bring new wares to him (these people have many
things to learn about users and their willingness to upload!). NWS feeds
on the ego/power trip of the individual who things he's a big "stud" whom
everyone (other LoserUsers) admires and looks up to. They will do almost
ANYTHING to obtain that new ware. This includes sending literally tons of
e-mail asking various other LoserUsers if they want to trade, and giving
them their latest list of "tradeable" commodities. Funny thing is that
very little ever comes of these messages, because the person who receives
it merely sends back a list of his latest wares. More often than not,
because they are on an ego-trip, they disdain trading with someone they
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The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
don't know, because they firmly believe that they have more wares than the
other person, and thus don't want to "give up" any of their "super-wares"
to get something else. The net effect is that it wastes a whole pile of
disk space and nothing else. Usually a post on the "wares" conference is
as much a statement of position as it is a request for new wares.
Of course, this person displays symptoms of NWS in other places
besides just BBS systems. Generally they are high school students (12-19
yrs old), and as such, the school they attend is the major source of their
wares. They have no scruples, and will engage in radical tactics, such as
stealing disks belonging to a rival ware-monger. The school is their
showcase for new wares; they derive ultimate satisfaction from being the
first person in the school to boot up a new ware; they claim (naturally)
that the game (it's usually a game) is "totally, super-awesome, absolutely
incredible, fucking amazing", etc. Rivals of course try to play down the
significance of the ware, and just boot up their latest ware on the
nearest possible computer and try to drag away some of the other guys
audience. Contacts are meticulously made and kept; NWS sufferers seem to
sacrifice their ego-trip for a select number of people, referred to as
"contacts", who get them the majority of their new wares.
An advanced "leech" will, if he has enough status, become a member
(or, heaven forbid, even START) a user group. (Some people refer to them
more accurately as "LoserGroups".) This group is usually truncated to a
three-letter acronym for an equally useless long version of the name.
These groups represents the ultimate plateau in the complete ware-monger.
There is only one thing better than knowing "the coolest, most awesome
dood from the states", and that is being part of "the coolest, most
awesome usergroup" in town. The only good thing about the members who
actively participate in these groups and widely publicize their
participation (by signing all their messages, even e-mail, with the
insignia of their awesome group; especially on software they have
acquired, in an attempt to make people believe they "cracked" it, and also
on any wares uploaded to AE/CatFur lines).
Now, eventually, the people who suffer from NWS and have some amount
of cranial capacity begin to transform. The first sign is the down-play
of the significance of games. Instead, they turn to the art of placing
their aliases on the various software packages that they own. After they
have mastered this, and placed their name on a sufficiently great number
of software packages, a very few people progress to the next stage of
computer literacy. Some (gag) will actually begin to program (in BASIC of
course). A fewer number still will become "crackers" and a very minuscule
number will become machine language programmers, leaving only bad memories
of the "ware-monger days". An unfortunate part of the NWS virus is that
in some cases it directly leads to the sufferer becoming a "sysop". Of
course telecommunications is an excellent method of acquiring new wares.
Because of this, some develop the idea that if they set up a BBS or
AE/CatFur line, that new wares will come to their front door. These
systems are indeed to be avoided. Fortunately, this stage eventually
wears off, and the system goes down, allowing intelligent people to heave
sighs of relief.
Type C: 64-Syndrome
These are the users who have been misled by some salesman that they
do indeed own a computer. They can be some of the worst losers you will
Humor Digest - October 90
The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
encounter on a BBS because they are ignorant even though they don't think
they are.
Most C-64 users stick to C-64 BBS systems (thankfully), but those who
venture from their own territory have a habit of terrorizing other
systems... Now, before I get myself into really hot water, let me tell
you that there are exceptions... Not ALL C-64 users are "losers" (Come
on... Amongst those thousands of people, SURELY there must be at least
one?!). There are a number of C-64 users who are ignorant, and freely
admit it. Others just sit back and "observe" rather than participate
(thus becoming another type of loser, the "nondescript user"), in some
cases fortunately for the rest of us. Some are just out exploring and are
in some awestruck state of mind that is consistent with a 10 year old
getting an autograph from Mr. T. But it is the others that we must be
concerned about; the C-64 owner who has been brainwashed to such a degree
that one would think he's a KGB implant. These people seriously believe
not only that they own a computer, but are proud of it and even worse are
completely convinced that their computer is "the best".
Firstly, there's been a rumor circulating that 95% of C-64 losers
were previous residents of mental institutes. There is no truth to this.
It is the direct fault of their upbringing, and thus the blame should lie
completely with the parents (after all, if it weren't for them, we
wouldn't have to put up with the slime...). It is a simple fact that most
C-64's are bought by misinformed parents of 12 year olds, the victims of
equally ignorant salesmen. The child, subjected to this machine in early
stages of development seems to be vulnerable to some form of brain damage,
especially in cases where the child was forced to justify and defend his
machine against others.
As these people mature, they seem intent on sticking to their opinion
that their parents were right, and that they are the owners of an amazing
machine. When you know of someone like this in your community, it is
usually a pretty simple matter to merely avoid the nuisance, and not get
into any "deep" discussions with him. However, when these people acquire
"modems" for their 64, they are then lethal weapons. These scourge plague
decent BBS systems, and is the singly most frustrating person for a sysop
to deal with. Typical of their cranial capacity, it is easy to spot a 64
Syndrome sufferer; he's the guy who posts a message "APPIL SUCK SHIT" on
the main conference. Why post it on the main conference when there's a
"war" board set aside specifically for people like him? He doesn't even
know that it exists! Remember that 95% of all C-64 BBSes consist of one
general conference which includes public messages and the closest they get
to "e-mail" messages. Why, in perhaps the most classic case of ignorance
with regards to multiple-conferencing, one bright C-64 user, when asked
why he didn't post a message about a new BBS in the BBS board replies, "I
don't know the number"... You don't get it, do you? I myself said
"hunh?" a few times before I realized the truth of the situation and was
sent onto the floor uttering peals of unbounded laughter... Why, this
moron actually thought that you had to phone another number to be able to
post on that "board". Holy shit, folks, think of the problems writing a
quick-scan routine for a system like that would pose!
Another excellent way of recognizing the C-64 user, is by analyzing
what he types... And, no, I'm not referring to the fact that nothing he
says makes any sense, but rather that he has never heard of "uppercase
characters". Everything is typed in lowercase, and it's only the fact
that most systems translate lowercase to uppercase that the guy manages to
Humor Digest - October 90
The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
enter any actual commands. Be careful though, because some lowercase-only
users have everything appear in uppercase. The reason for this is that,
naturally, they cannot grasp the idea of "configuring" the BBS to their
capabilities and thus when it asks them if they have lowercase support,
they just hit
Here's another sure-fire way of identifying a user as a C-64 user...
Remember that on their BBSes, you post a public message by addressing a
message to "ALL". Well, if you spot someone in the e-mail section
apparently trying to send someone a letter, and then see:
BBS: Send mail (Y/N) ?
Loser: Y
BBS: Send to [First Name] ?
Loser: ALL
BBS: [ Last Name] ?
Loser: ALL
BBS: User: [ALL ALL] Confirm (Y/N) ?
Loser: Y
BBS: Post public messages in the conferencing system, you Commie Loser!
Also, some of these people do not understand that Apples are
DIFFERENT from C-64's... They seem to believe that they can download some
Applesoft program, or some Daltoned game and expect it to run on their
machine.
There are no doubt some other signs of C-64 users that you will
notice as time goes by, but the preceding are the most blatant examples,
and as well as being a pain to the system, can also be used for comic
relief. More on that later.
Type D: The "Hacker"
This is the idiot who tries incessantly to crash your BBS. These
"hackers" can attain several plateaus of achievement. There are several
"classic" methods of crashing BBSes, which these people seem to think
might still work, and it is through these that you can recognize this type
of loser.
What follows is a list of commonly used techniques to try and crash a
system:
a) When the BBS asks for Usercode/Account #, the gumby will just start
entering a continuous stream of carriage returns... The BBS gets bored
after awhile and hangs up.
b) The fool will try to sign on as record #1 (Ie: Account of 1), and then
try to "hack" the password. A classic laugher is someone trying to use
"M1PQ" or another password that was one of very few possible under
Net-Works. It's even funnier when the system isn't even running on
Net-Works...
c) The guy will log on as new, and try to use the name "SYSTEM OPERATOR"
or "SYSOP" or the name of the sysop.
d) Another technique is to log on with the name of the sysop, except to
leave a blank as the first character of the name.
e) Here's one that's a little more complex... They try to hang the system
by hitting Ctrl-S and then hanging up.
f) Or how about this one? The gumby calls, and as soon as it connects, he
hangs up and calls back as quickly as possible. He tries this over and
Humor Digest - October 90
The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
over, until he finally gives up.
g) Then, there's the infamous usage of 9E99 at various prompts...
h) How about the fool who tries to overload memory by entering the fullest
possible message over and over again?
i) For those systems that used the Micromodem or APL/SSM card, there was
the infamous Ctrl-Y feature...
Now, of course these are just a few of the many methods these people
will use to try and obtain access to the system. They'll try typing in
various different words and control characters at the password prompt, and
the list goes on and on.
These people have some sort of a brain disorder which leads them to
believe that they are "great", "awesome", etc... They couldn't possibly
discover a new way of crashing a particular system; they merely use
information that they've heard elsewhere. If people would only stop
writing "How to" g-files, we'd have a lot less losers of this type. This
is the same guy, who after reading a file on "How to Build a
Thermo-Nuclear Device", actually tries to build it. He gets snagged when
he gets to the "weapons-grade plutonium"; his daddy doesn't work for a
terrorist organization. He tries to substitute lead (he thinks the
graphite in pencils is lead) and catches shit from his folks for making a
mess of the house.
Type E: The Non-descript user
If indeed there can be a "good" loser, this is him. It's hard to
even notice that he exists... The only time you become aware of all the
non-descript users are occasions where you swear and curse and ask
yourself, "Why does no-one ever post any messages?". These people are the
perfect example of a malignant tumour. They are active users of the BBS;
they regularly read the new material on the system, but the sysop only
realizes that they are there when he looks at his log to find these names
he's never heard of before. He comes in and sees that so far he's had 35
calls today; he quick-scans and finds two new messages, both of which were
posted by his co-sysop.
Frankly, what the non-descript user does is use up a record in the
userfile and tie up the system... that's all. These are the same people
who will graduate from high school, or wherever, without having any idea
of what they want to do with their lives, and subsequently go on to be
wealthy construction workers.
Type F: The Non-Sysop
By far the most unfortunate classification of loser, and the type of
guy who gives BBSing and sysops a bad name. These people are solely
responsible for turning hundreds of people off BBSing...
But, by another token, this is the easiest person to spot, and the
easiest to ridicule. Now, first, lets try to establish how a Loser-sysop
is "born"...
Most importantly, it seems that in almost ALL cases of the
loser-sysop, that these people were active BBS LoserUsers at the time at
which they became "sysops". Below are a typical series of events that
leads to a loser wanting to become a sysop, and how to "diagnose" that
type of BBS Loser-sysop.
Humor Digest - October 90
The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
a) Joe is a type B loser; a "ware-monger". He, being obsessed with the
acquisition of new "warez", has come up with a brilliant new idea on how
to obtain them, and become recognized as a "stud" at the same time... He
decides to put up an AE and/or CatFur line. This way, other ware-mongers
like himself will call, and he (being a stud) forces them to give him some
new "amazing, totally awesome new ware" in order for them to log on (just
to discover that he's running on one or two 140K drives with nothing on
them). Typically, the person also labels his system "elite" in a flagrant
attempt to attract the larger names in ware-monging. Of course, these
losers also are forever in quest of having "the most AWESOME AE (and/or)
CatFur line" in the area, but this poses a problem... To be able to meet
the challenge of this label, they cannot simply put up a system... it has
to be unique, and the only way to put up a unique system is to "do some
mods". (Ahem...) This can be translated as "making modifications to the
system's program". But, unfortunately for them, this requires
"programming skills" of which they have none. They then go on a search to
find some well-known "ware-monger" who will agree to do the "mods" for
him.
This type of system is almost always down, as the loser-sysop is
usually using his computer (trading with some ware-monger, or ha...
calling other AE/CatFur lines). The system is also down for periods of
time while the ware-monger of the "sysop's" choice fouls up the program.
One more excellent way to spot this type of person is to look for BBSes
that are forever saying "We are down cuz the computers broke", or "We'll
be down for 3 weeks 'til we get these amazing new mods done!".
Another method of detecting this type of person is to examine the
hardware that the system runs on. If you spot a BBS/AE/CatFur that runs
on two 140K drives, well, that's the classic loser-sysop. (I mean, I've
known two people who've put up ...ahem... tried to put up a system on 1
drive, but at least they were intelligent enough to realize that they
couldn't possibly keep it up (let alone add AE) and gave up. But the
person who firstly runs a BBS off one drive and THEN also insists on
running CatFur off the second drive... Well...! My friend, you've just
hit the jackpot; the loser-supreme... This person should never have found
his way into telecommunications, or computing for that matter because
obviously he neither has the ability to reason, nor does he understand
basic hardware concepts. Folks, these are the people upon whom I heap the
most scorn... One to three conferences, with never more than five to ten
messages per conference, an "elite" label (he doesn't have the disk space
for more than 20-40 users anyway), a system that gives you a system error
4 times out of 10 when you either try to send mail or post a message, and
then, to top it all off, a useless ware on D2, sometimes one side of a
four-sided game (obviously the rest won't fit...). The hearty and
sadistic people (like me) have a field-day with these wimps... Now, in
keeping with my opening statement, I'm not going to mention names or
systems but I think that those of you who closely follow the Toronto BBS
scene know exactly where I take this information...
b) Herbert is your typical 12 year old proud owner of a Commodore 64, and
has seen how "awesome" modems are from the home of his best-friend. He
instantly sets his aim on putting up a BBS... After several months, he
finally has enough money to buy a "modem", and puts up his BBS. For
several months, the BBS serves its purpose; amongst his peers, he has
Humor Digest - October 90
The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
risen to the level of a true "stud". His being the sysop of a BBS gives
him just about the same status as having a 16 year old, well developed and
gorgeous "chick". However, problems arise... people have discovered a
way to crash his system. Every second day, someone crashes the system and
erases the disk(s). If this guy is fortunate (a 10% chance), he's heard
of the term "backup", and he spends 15 minutes to copy his disk, and again
all is as it was before... But another two days pass, and again his
system has been crashed. After two weeks of this, it's clear that
something must be done. But how is his BBS being crashed? Who would do
such a thing? For what reason? Well... the last question is simple...
apparently, peers attach even more significance to someone who crashes
BBSes than people who run them, especially when the sysop is a "wimp".
The sysop tries in vain to find someone who will help him, but is
unsuccessful.
c) Fred is 16 years old, lives in a 6 bedroom sub-mansion, complete with a
large outdoor pool, has two golfcarts (which are used to travel from one
end of the backyard to the other), and a $9000 alarm system that uses
infrared sensors and a pre-programmed robot to ward off racoons trying to
overturn their garbage bin. Having just turned 16, he has naturally
persuaded his parents, after a long 45 minute argument, to buy him a
Ferrari. Then, on the third floor, one of the unused bedrooms has been
converted into the "computer study". The 10'x18' room features three
filing cabinets, all empty but they give the room "atmosphere", as well as
three large desks. On the first is a "fully loaded" Apple system... A
//e, complete with DuoDisk, RGB monitor, ImageWriter, Thunderclock, a
1.5Mb RamWorks card, Syntauri music system, and graphics tablet.
Fortunately, he still has $6000 over his parentally imposed $20000 minimum
in his bank account, still has $300 left from this months allowance, and
Christmas is fast approaching... People at his school have become bored
of his farfetched tales of the things he's accomplished with his computer.
"So... U never busted inta Pentagon before and got your uncles credit
card number..." This puts him to thinking, and before you can say "loser"
(and I don't know about you, but it takes me about 3/10ths of a second...)
he's bought a Courier 2400 modem. With this new-found toy, he proceeds to
generate tales of his "hacking" prowess... Soon he's progressed to tales
of phreaking... Of course, he doesn't actually know anything about either
of the two subjects (he's the loser I talked about earlier; you know, the
guy who calls systems and tries to gain access by typing in "BIG TITS" at
the password prompt...). Soon he is bored of this but wait! Santa Claus
is coming next week, and his parents are in a quandary. In years past,
they were always able to take Fred to the local shopping mall to see Santa
and then find out what he'd asked for... Last year he had gotten the 42"
projection TV with a top-of-the-line VCR, and TV camera/film-making
system. The year before it had been the 400 Watts per channel stereo
system. But this year, the parents resorted to hiring a private detective
at $3000/day to discover what Fred wanted. Well, the private eye had
quite a task ahead of him... He walked up to Fred and asked "Well son,
what do you want for Christmas this year?", to which Fred replies, "Tell
mom I want a hard drive". And thus the deed is done... come the morning
of the 25th, under the tree is a large-sized package that could only be
one thing... "Wow! A Corvus 45Mb hard drive! Freak me out.
Amazing...!" December 26th, his BBS went up... Instantly gaining a
reputation from some of being the most "amazing" board around, it quickly
Humor Digest - October 90
The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
gained users. Fred quickly moved to find someone amongst his users who
could program, and quickly recruited him to make "mods" for the BBS, with
the promise of many great wares and being made a "co-sysop" in return.
Thus starts the transformation of a run-of-the-mill BBS program into
something that is laden with bugs. Now, unfortunately for Fred, the real
programmers out there don't fall for people like him, and thus the person
who is now his co-sysop is not only a loser, but fully incapable of
anything but the simplest programming changes (ie: print statements).
The end result is a sysop who believes that he is "an awesome dude", and
has simply the best BBS in the city, and goes out of his way to let
everyone else know about it. He usually persuades a few other people to
phone every other system in the city to post messages about his amazing
system, telling people, "Hang up RIGHT NOW!!! And call this AMAZING new
BBS!!!". The system ends up with 50 to 100 (or more?!) conferences, of
which 80% have never even been logged to, much less had a message posted
there. The system has some 30-50 volumes available for an AE up/download
system, and another 30 volumes for "g-files". The sysop is arrogant,
validates users once a month, will validate anyone who doesn't leave a
name of "Brian Mulrooney" and immediately sends mail to anyone who logs on
with a female name (these are the only users ever "voice" validated...
The system is regularly down, as Fred's inept programmer attempts to make
yet another "awesome mod".
The only thing to be relieved about is that a system such as this
attracts losers as shit attracts flies. During times when the BBS is up,
it acts as a drawing card for losers, and leaves one less loser to call
the other systems in the area. But, of course, these things cannot go on
forever... eventually Fred will get bored, just as he did with his
remote-controlled missile carrying chopper two years ago... The system
will eventually die, but in the meantime, it augments the BBS society by
being a loser-trap; I only feel sorry for the poor sod who calls, thinking
that he will find a decent BBS with intelligent users and much
information... He is about to be subjected to the loser-sysop.
There are, of course, many other types of loser-sysops, none of which
deserve lengthy mention here... There is, naturally, the sysop who is
incapable of spelling three consecutive words correctly, the sysop who has
no idea of what grammar or punctuation is used for, the sysop who sets up
a system at completely odd hours (Tuesdays and Thursdays 4pm - 8pm, and
Fridays 6pm - 11pm) and where, when the BBS is up, every time a call comes
in its a race between the sister and the modem to see who answers it
first... Then there's the classic sysop who runs an unmodified program
such as NetWorks, Nexus, TeleCat or GBBS. There's the sysop who is
seemingly never there; he never is around to chat, deletes his mail
without replying, doesn't delete old messages, never changes log-on
messages, g-files, news files, and other dust-gathering files on his disk,
and doesn't even notice that his disk has been full for the last week.
There's the sysop who takes his phone off the hook while using his
computer, so that people will think that its just "busy". There's the
sysop who brags of getting 2400 baud, a hard drive and various other
things. There's the sysop who forces his users to conform to his every
wish, and the sysop who cannot take constructive criticism. There's the
sysop who uses a fake name on his own BBS which he uses to send hate mail
to those he doesn't like.... And there are others still; new breeds of
the loser-sysop are being discovered almost every day.
Humor Digest - October 90
The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
Part 3: How to deal with LoserUsers
Each type of loser must be dealt with differently. Of course, in
some cases you must take into account the personality of the individual in
coming up with a suitable course of action. Telling a loser "Fuck off,
asshole" isn't necessarily ALWAYS the best way; in fact, the key is not to
show frustration. In some cases, that show of frustration is exactly what
they were after. (These are the people for whom the term "asshole" is
most appropriate, but life is tough sometimes, and this is precisely the
person you shouldn't call an asshole... Just make him feel like an
asshole.) Dealing with a loser can be hilarious, it can be frustrating, or
it can be tragic; it all depends on how you approach things. So,
hopefully what follows will give you a few pointers on how to deal (and
cope) with the various types of losers.
Type A: The BBS Loser
- Realize that the guy has no brain capacity whatsoever and lead him into
a contradiction of what he himself has said. Then conclude that he is a
loser and log him off. If he has an explanation, he'll be back, and
he's NOT a loser, he'll be understanding. If the guy then begins to
bother you more consistently, delete him and announce your case to some
other sysops. After that, the only satisfaction (and laughs) you'll get
out of the guy is to relate your tales of his actions to other sysops.
More than likely, you'll find that you're not the only one who has been
plagued by the slime.
- Unless you're sure that someone is "pretending" to not understand
something, be patient after awhile... After all, there are more and
more people out there buying modems every day. If the guy doesn't
understand something that's obvious, tell him once... If you have to
tell him twice, tell him "Think of this as a learning experience. This
is how you use the BBS..." and then promptly hang up on the guy. If you
notice that this causes people to call back, you'll find that leaving
the phone off-hook for 10-15 mins afterwards usually ensures that the
next call won't be the same useless fool.
- If a guy can't read and is obviously of the age 12 or thereabouts, the
best thing to do is ignore the guy. If he posts a gay message, delete
it. If you heap sarcasm on him, he won't understand (he may actually
think you are complimenting him, and then think that you are a "cool
dood"). If you just call him names, he'll probably just start bothering
you more. There is absolutely no satisfaction in criticizing someone
who can't understand the critique, so leave him be; eventually he'll
crawl back into the hole he crawled out of... For a particular
nauseating person, arrange "problems" with his password from time to
time.
- If some gumby uses a gay phone-number when he logs on, just log him
off. This includes the homosexuals who use numbers like 967-1111.
- Above all, if you have the chance, modify your BBS program so that every
user has a "loser" flag in his record, and further modify your program
so that it will always tell a loser that the sysop is not available.
NEVER print a message at log-on announcing that the sysop is available
for these people. Avoid flipping your lid after the shithead has tried
to "C)hat" 10 times in a row, being told each time that the sysop is not
available... Flipping your lid usually causes you to break into chat,
Humor Digest - October 90
The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
which is what he wants and what you're trying to avoid. If you're
finding it hard to contain yourself, leave the computer for 10-15 mins
and do something else, like watching TV or some other similarly useless
activity.
Type B: The Leech
- The worst problem with these losers pops up if you run an AE/CatFur.
The guy will call every hour or two to see if there's something new on
the wares-line. The best way to combat this type of person is to limit
the number of times (say per week) that a user may go to the AE line, or
even better, impose a weekly time-limit.
- The only other problem you're likely to have is their constant posting
of "wares" messages, and the incredible amount of e-mail they send to
fellow ware-mongers. The best thing to do is delete the messages. 9
times out of 10 the guy won't even notice that his messages are missing
and he never gets any replies from his e-mail (he probably wouldn't
anyway).
Type C: 64-Syndrome
- The easiest way of staying clear of this type of loser is to prejudice
yourself against all users of several computer types. However, there
ARE people (even C-64 owners) who are intelligent and worthy of your
respect.
- The recommended way of dealing with these losers is a technique called,
"identify and crucify". If a C-64 user hasn't started a "war", posted a
number of useless messages, etc, then leave him be. As soon as he does
so, you have an excuse to arrange an accident in the area of the disk
that holds his password.
Type D: The "hacker"
- These are the guys you just laugh at.... For guys who like logging on
under a sysop's name, breaking into chat and saying, "Hi loser. How's
it going?" can be useful... Or perhaps "Have fun, loser"... Usually
they hang up. If not, it's probably a friend trying to be funny.
- If a guy is stupid enough to try hacking while in the BBS, and under his
own identity, well, he should receive your full scorn. Sarcasm and
laughter are your best weapons. Remember that a hacker is trying to be
a "cool dude", and laughing at him is a widely-accepted signal that you
are a failure... And if there's anything the hacker can't stand, it's
being a failure (probably because he has been a failure throughout his
life).
- What's particularly infuriating to the hacker are situations where he's
been kicked off a BBS, and calls back under another name and is almost
instantly chatted by the sysop saying... "So you're back again so soon
eh? Treat some other system to your presence you awesome dood..." and
then remove him from the system...
- Perhaps the best weapon against these neanderthals is to pass along word
of their activities to other sysops and users alike. It makes for a
humorous conversation piece, and destroys any credibility the guy might
have had left.
Humor Digest - October 90
The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
Type E: The Non-descript user
- Here, it is best to be tolerant. Eventually, these people get bored
and are never heard from again. After all, they never DO anything on
the BBS except for look at the main menu, and maybe a quick-scan... In
most cases, they'll call about 20 times and then fade off into the
sunset.
- Another method which has been tried here and there is to include a
"posting regulation" in the rules of the BBS (ie: post 1 message/month
or lose your password). Historically, this method doesn't do what it's
intended to do, which is to scare people into posting messages. If it
worked, in fact, the system could very well be inundated with useless
messages from these people; if the person has nothing to say, but posts
a message because he's essentially FORCED to do so, what are the chances
it's going to be an intelligent message? Not very high... However, you
can use such a rule to justify the deletion of people. In most cases
the people will call, discover that their password doesn't work, and
will never call again.
Type F: The Non-Sysop
- These losers are quite frequently also "hackers" and if this is found to
be the case, you should treat him as such. In addition, criticizing his
BBS can also be useful.
- Usually, the problem with these people is that they are forever posting
stupid messages on every "BBS News" conference in town to call their
"amazing" BBS, etc... The best thing to do is to delete these messages
whenever encountered. Most importantly, it is your responsibility as a
sysop to be sure that these slime do not get access to special "sysop"
conferences, where it's not unusual to find anecdotes of the losers
stupidity.
Summary:
It is impossible to properly cover all aspects of the LoserUser;
there are so many different manifestations, you might as well make it your
sole aim to become the chief executive officer of Apple. However, there
are a few points which are helpful to remember when publicizing your BBS.
Remember that losers don't just appear; they are (as gross as this sounds)
actually _attracted_ to your system.
a) Publicize your system only on mature systems. If you leave messages
about your BBS on boards who are best known for their "war board", you
can only expect to gain losers as a result.
b) Do not have your number displayed in "prominent" magazines such as
Computing Now and Toronto Computes. Mention here usually brings you as
many "losers" as intelligent users, and more likely than not, the
majority are losers.
c) Remember that the best publicity for a BBS is word-of-mouth. If your
system is good, people will find out about it.
d) It is a good idea to NOT allow new users to simply log on. Some
techniques include making them answer a questionnaire, making them mail
in requests for a password, or just allowing them to leave their name
and number and perhaps a piece of feedback explaining who they are,
Humor Digest - October 90
The LoserUsers
Bonus Section #3
etc. Allowing people to log on as new and instantly have access to
several features is just begging for losers to log on.
Well folks, that's about it. I've said my peace, but I don't rule
out "sequels" to this file. I leave you with a parting shot... It is
nearing Christmas, a time at which students everywhere are fairly bored...
On the 25th, a pile of people will be getting modems... That means more
users (and losers) for our BBSes. Also, it invariably means some new BBS
systems will go up on Dec 26th... You know, all those "Freds" whose
mommies bought 45Mb hard drives... so be on the lookout for them.
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Humor Digest - October 90