-Wax the ceiling -Rearrange political campaign signs
-Sharpen your teeth -Play Houdini with one of your siblings
-Braid your dog's hair -Clean and polish your belly button
-Water your dog...see if he grows -Wash a tree
-Knight yourself -Name your child Edsel
-Scare Stephen King -Give your cat a mohawk
-Purr -Mow your carpet
-Play Pat Boone records backwards -Vacuum your lawn
-Whine -Rake your carpet
-Re-elect Richard Nixon -Critique "Three's Company"
-Listen to a painting -Play with matches
-Buff your cat -Race ferrets
-Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange -Have a formal dinner at White Castle
-Read Homer in the original Greek -Change your mind
-Learn Greek -Change it back
-Watch the sun...see if it moves -Stand on your head
-Build a pyramid -Stand on someone else's head
-Spit shine your Nikes -See how long you can stay awake
-Paint your teeth -See how long you can sleep
-Wear a salad -Speak with a forked tongue
-Get your dog braces -Shave a shrub
-Have a proton fight -Watch a car rust
-Quiver -Rotate your carpet
-Learn to type...with your toes -Set up your Christmas tree in April
-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge -Be someone special
-Mail it to a friend -Go back to square one
-Factor your social security number -Take the fifth
-Memorize a series of random numbers -Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
-Join the Foreign Legion -Learn Sanskrit
-Exist...existentially, of course -Print counterfeit Confederate money
-Kick a cabbage -Take a picture
-Sandpaper a mushroom -Put it back
-Play solitaire...for cash -Abuse your patio furniture
-Run for Pope -Count to a million...fast
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock -Commit seppuku...with a paper knife
-Revert -Think shallow thoughts
-Sleep on a bed of nails -Boil ice cream
-DON'T toss and turn -Run around in squares
-Think of quadruple entendres -Speak in acronyms
-Have your pillow X-rayed -Drink straight shots...of water
-Calmly have a nervous breakdown -Give your goldfish a perm
-Fly a brick -Play tag...on 35W
-Exorcise a ghost -Be blue
-Exercise a ghost -Be red
-Paint stripes on a lake -But don't be orange
-Ski Kansas -Sleep in freefall
-Kill a Joule -Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
-Apply for a unicorn hunting license -Do a good job
-Crawl -Invite the Mansons over for dinner
-Paint your windows -Watch a watch until it stops
-Flash your goldfish -Paint
-Flirt with an evergreen -Smile
-Rotate your garden...daily -Paint a smile
-Shoot a fire hydrant -Pretend you're blind
-Apologize to it -Plant a shoe
-Sweat -Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
-Turn -Take your sofa for a walk
-Write a letter to Plato -Start
-Mail it -Stop
-Dial 911 and breathe heavily -Go to a funeral...tell jokes
-Play the piano...with mittens on -Starch your shoes
-Polish your Calvin's -Contemplate a cockroach
-Get a dog to chase your car -Investigate the Czar
-Let him catch it -Form a political party
-Climb a sidewalk -Have a political party
-Get diagonal...with a good friend -Ride a loaf of bread
-Sharpen a carrot -Interrogate a gerbil
-Annoy yourself -Get mad at yourself
-Stop speaking to yourself -Be a side effect
-Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley -Duck
-Redecorate...your garage -Develop a complex
-Join the Army...be someone simple -Try harder
-Hit the deck -Put legwarmers on your furniture
-Cut the deck -Scheme
-Sit -Water your family room
-Stay -Cause a power failure
-Roll over -Wriggle
-Play dead -Donate your brother's body to science
-Find a witch -Ask why
-Burn her -Regress
-Sleepwalk without sleeping -Go bow hunting for Toyotas
-Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids -Jump back
-Play to lose -Scalp a street light
-Have your car painted...plaid -Read a tomato
-Sharpen your sleeping skills -Watch a game show...take notes
-Put out a fire -Interview a cloud
-If you can't find a fire, make one -Play tiddlywinks...go for blood
-Play basketball...in a minefield -Crumple
-Translate Shakespeare into English -Skydive to church
-Cheer up a potato -Do aerobic exercises...in your head
-Play cards with your swimming pool -Pinstripe your driveway
-Play Kick the Fire Hydrant -Harness chipmunk power
-Build a house with ice cubes -Call London for a cab
-Mug a stop sign -Change your name...daily
-Go for a walk in your attic -Challenge your neighbor to a duel
-Try to join Hell's Angels by mail -Wonder
-Be a square root -Ask stupid questions
-Weld your car doors shut -Spew
-Vacation at Three-Mile Island -Surf Ohio
-Teach your pet rock to play dead -Go bowling for small game
-Be a monk...for a day -Wear a sweatband to your wedding
-Staple -Run away
-Intimidate a piece of chalk -Abuse the plumbing
-Bend a florescent light -Bend a brick
-Annoy total strangers -Don't talk to things
-Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling -Have your cat bronzed
-Have your gerbil gilded -Write books about writing books
-Create random equations -Misspell words
-Tell your feet a joke -Throw a tomato into a fan
-Sing the ABC song backwards -Pretend you're a dog
-Dial-a-prayer and argue with it -Grease the doorknobs
-String up a room -Stack furniture
-Relive fond memories -Tie your shoelaces together
-Gargle -Count your teeth with your tongue
-Decay -Find your half-life
-Build a house out of toothpicks -Howl
-Wear a lampshade on your head -Memorize the dictionary
-Stomp grapes in the bathtub -Find a bug and chase it
-Make yourself a pair of wings -Be immobile
-Dance 'til you drop -Check under chairs for chewing gum
-Squish a loaf of bread -Moo
-Bounce a potato -Outmaneuver your shadow
-Climb the walls -Appreciate everything
-Challenge yourself to a duel -Believe in Santa Claus
-Let the best man win -Throw marshmallows against the wall
-Hold an ice cube as long as possible -Adopt strange mannerisms
-Blow up a balloon until it pops -Sing soft and sweet and clear
-Open everything -Sing loud and sour and gravelly
-Balance a pencil on your nose -Pour milk in your shoes
-Write graffiti under the rug -Embarrass yourself
-Grind your teeth -Chew ice
-Count your belly button -Sit in a row
-Stack crumbs -Gesture
-Save your toenail clippings -Make a pass at your blender
-Punt -Make up words that start with X
-Make oatmeal in the bathtub -Search for the Lost Chord
-Chew on a sofa cushion -Sing a duet
-Balance a pillow on your head -Hold your breath
-Faint -Stretch
-Flash your mailman -Teach your TA English
-Learn to speak Farsi -Swear in Russian
-Use an eraser until it goes away -Disassemble your car
-Record your walls -Put it together inside out
-Interview your feet -Make a list of your favorite fungi
-Sell formaldehyde -Make napalm
-Tattoo your dresser -Watch a bowling ball
-Buy some diapers -Eat everything
-Begin -Pour milk in the sink
-Make cottage cheese -Tie-dye your sheets
-Hold your earlobes -Carpet your ceiling
-Fold your earlobes -Flap
-Squawk -Read tea leaves
-Analyze the Koran -Be Buddha
-Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize -Plug in the cat
-Turn on everything -Drop pebbles down the chimney
-Turn off your neighbor -Kill a plant
-Buy a 1931 Almanac -Memorize the weather section
-Think lewd thoughts about yourself -Peel grapes
-Send chills down your spine -Make paper from the skins
-Blow bubbles -Bloat
-Catch them with your radiator -Get run over by a train of thought
-Make up famous sayings -Bite your pinkie
-File your teeth -Design a better toilet seat
-Shred a newspaper -Scratch
-Have a headache -Sniff
-Hatch an egg -Play air guitar
-Spill -Act profound
-Spell -Stare
-Truncate -Slouch
-Develop hearing problems -Put your feet behind your head
-Tie bows in everything -Hold your hand
-Watch the minute hand move -Grow your fingernails
-Pretend you're a telephone -Radiate
-Ring -Skip
-Play hopscotch...with real scotch -Clock the velocity of your REMs
-Put your shoes on the opposite feet -Cross your toes
-Roll your tongue -Crystalize
-Baby oil the floor -Hide
-Attack innocent bunnies -Declare war
-Destroy a tree -Hide the scrabble bag
-Seduce your stick shift -Wink
-Memorize the periodic table -Mummify
-Pretend you're a roadie -Buy a Ginsu knife
-Collect electrons -Correct typos that aren't there
-Polish your neck...use Pledge -Repeat
-Ad lib -Fade
-Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God
-Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car
-Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
-Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes
-Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture
-Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending
-Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk")
-Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother
-Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong
-Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail
-Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire
-Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before
-Walk on water...but don't get caught
-Confess to a crime...that didn't happen
-Be in the wrong place at the right time
-Plot the overthrow of your local School Board
-Request covert assistance from the CIA
-Discover the source of the Mississippi
-Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska
-Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes
-Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is
-Drink as much prune juice as you can
-Write a book about your previous life
-Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres
-Jump up and down...on your alarm clock
-Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins
-Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniels
-Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow
-Drive the speed limit...in your garage
-Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final
-Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna
-Pay off the national debt...with a bad check
-Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people
-Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas
-Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
-Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster
-See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement
-Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English
-Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good
job they're doing...On April 1st
-Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor
-Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them
-Turn your TV picture tube upside down
-Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
-Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets
-Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks
-Be planar...but don't tell your parents
-Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck
-Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed
-Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed
-Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese
-Debate politics with a fern
-If you lose, stop watering it and try again.
-Increase your territorial holdings by force
-Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat
-Boldly go where no man has gone before
-Be a threat to the American way of life
-Do research into the cause of World War III
-Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life
-Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh
-See how small you can scrunch your face
-Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis
-Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization)
-Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation
-Raise professional certified racing turnips
-Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation
-Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U.
-Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
-Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
-Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first
-Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch
-Send your goldfish to obedience school
-Free the oppressed toasters of America
-Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing
-Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave
-Park your car...with a friend
-Park your car...with a group of friends
-Frame your first statement of bankruptcy
-Place it on the wall of your office
-Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x)
-Contribute to the population problem
-Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign
-Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor
-Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife
-Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway
-Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night
-Play with anything that looks interesting
-Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first
-See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
-Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work
-Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up
-State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes")
-Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
-Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like
-See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house
-Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while
-See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green
-Bronze your sister's turtle
-See how long it takes for her to notice
-See what she does when she notices
-Bronze your sister