You have any dead pets laying around? If so, I've got something
for you! It is the common belief that once an animal dies, it is
fairly useless. Well, I believe differently. If you follow the follow-
ing directions you can have hours of family fun with your dead pet.
(I, myself prefer cats because of their great flexibility, but most
anything will do).
1) HOT DEAD ANIMAL
First, take any plain garden hose and stuff down your dead pet's
mouth. Wait till it gets nice and fat and wiggly. Then you can invite
your family and friends out to the backyard for an ol' fashioned game
of "Hot Dead Animal" (A more exciting version of hot potato).
2) THE DUSTER
This one is fairly simple. Just fluff up your dead pet's fur
nice and fluffy. Then just grab hold of its tail and swing it around
any dusty area. This method is much more efficient than just the plain
feather duster and a heck of a lot cheaper too!
3) THE DOOR MAT
This is another simple one. Just place your dead pet in front of
the doorstep. Then all you have to do is get those letters you tape
onto things (those little black ones) and stick the letters "W-E-L-C-
O-M-E" onto it. No more mud tracked all over your nice, clean carpet!
4) THE DART BOARD
This method is very simple and can be done in a matter of minutes.
Just grab four nails, a hammer, and a dead animal. Then nail your dead
pet's four paws (assuming it has paws) to the wall, door, what have
you, and you're ready for a great game of darts.
SCORING: Front paws (10 pts), back paws (15 pts), head and neck
area (25 pts), torso or body area (5 pts).
5) THE DUFFEL BAG
This one might take some practice, but you can do it. First, you
must clean your dead animal out (you will need a strong pair of rubber
gloves and a couple of full lysol air-fresheners). Then you can keep
anything in it - clothes, money, maybe make-up and such (for you of the
female persuasion out there).
6) THE AIR-ODORIZER
If you really want to shake up the family unit in your house hold,
I've got something for you! When nobody is home, what you do is go up
on the roof and place your dead pet up in the air conditioning. After a
couple of long, hot days dead animals start to "odorize", if you will,
the area in which they inhabit. But through the air-conditioning -
PHEW! What a stench! All through the house. That'll get good ol' dad
pissed off when he's gotta go find what's clogging it. Ha-ha-ha!