The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of commercial
messages a day, and some experts claim that the average child sees and hears
100, 000 pitches before being old enough to attend school. Sometimes it seems
that, in these messages, both the sponsors and the advertising agencies have
abandoned the struggfle to communicate clearly, washing their hands of sense
and meaning.
On a paper placemat in a Massachusetts restaurang appeared this
advertising atrocity:
NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE
AFFORDABLE
An Alternative to Looking Good.
After tittering and scratching our heads for a while, we can reconstruct
what happened lin the framing of this cacphonous come-on. Apparently, the
good folks at Newbury Street Coiffure meant to proclaim that their affordable
prices afforded an alternative for looking good. But what came out was the
message, "Come to us and we'll throw gunk on your hair and pull some of it
out. And we'll charge you very little to do it!"
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the
cartoon and comic strips:
* Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.
* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by
waitresses in apetizing forms.
* Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
* Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too!
* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.
* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
it really repellent
* For Sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex.
* For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Huskey.
* Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
* 7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden fried onion rings.
* Great Dames for sale.
* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
* 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for charges,
the opwner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
* Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.
* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fountain
and Chopin.
* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and
other athletic facilities.
* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
* Toaster: A fift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so servicable that lots
of women wear nothing else.
* Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
* We build bodies that last a lifetime.
* Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
* This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes
& Gardens.
* For Sale - Diamonds $20,00; microsopes $15.00.
* For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.
* Man, honest. Will take anything.
* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month.
References required.
* Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
* Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play.