I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call first on a special telephone and then send the data.
They used to answer the phone with:
" Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
" Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
" Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
" Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
T minus one minute and counting"
And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of the
local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with that
phone.
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is
a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?"
(silence...click)
"Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are
phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had
managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.
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This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your
call.
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Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy.
After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole
return your call as soon as possible.
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I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of
them will get back to you.
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Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone
right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the
tone, please your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!
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I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
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C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little
beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like
this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!
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Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave
it to Vanna White. Sorry.
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Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here
right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the
tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And
remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in
vivid, graphic detail!
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A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future....
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I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money,
or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name,
number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
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Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
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[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
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[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
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[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in _A Clockwork Orange_]
Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now--he's out
on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly--some young devotchka
with horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep,
and I'll get back to thee later, righty-right.
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Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.
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[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
Leave a message...leave a message....etc.
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Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your telephone will
explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain....
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Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is
the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....
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This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.
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No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not
the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
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This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To
initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's
password is BABY BOOTIES.
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You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
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As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You
begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...the telephone is next to an
answering machine...you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the
answering machine...you hear a beep....
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Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5...4...3...2...1...
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[OFFENSIVE TO MORMONS. Funny if you've been accosted by elders on bikes.]
Thanks for calling the Brigham Young School for Semi-Formal Bicycle Racing.
We can't come to the phone now because we're out proselytizing heathens,
so please leave your name and number.
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After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.
I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
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The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.
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Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you
beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!
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I can't come to the phone now, so...hey--that's a nice phone you have
there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering
machines bothering you all the time...yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a
call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings...I might even play
my beep for you...
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This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone,
sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....
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I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but
I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing.
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How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
this...YOW!!
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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word
is acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}
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Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's
commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er...shalt not
witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not
commit a bear...dern...
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[Must have good Australian accent]
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
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[Note the spelling in this one!]
After the tone, please leave a massage--my shoulders really could use it,
and, what? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....
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Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im
big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.