Women--Chemical Analysis
Element: Women
Symbol: WO
Discovered by: ADAM
Atomic Weight:
Average expected as 118, but there are known
isotopes ranging from 90 to 260, with highly
radioactive occurrences at 250 and better (avoid
at all costs).
Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
(except the general location referred to as POUGHKEEPSIE)
Chemical Properties:
1. Possesses great affinity for Gold(Au),silver(Ag),platinum(Pt),
and precious and semi-precious stones and minerals.
2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased with
saturation in ethanol (alcohol).
5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.
Mental Properties:
1. Difficult to ascertain due to the nature of the thought
process that the specimen follows.
a) Revamped testing procedures are under study, but projected
realizations of test availability dates constantly slip.
Physical Properties:
1. Surface very smooth and soft, with many interesting
irregularities, usually selectively covered in painted films.
a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each
fingernail.
b) Some specimen will exhibit a tendency towards thick
applications of films resulting in eyes that look like they
are bulging out of there heads. Beware this variety as they
may be prone to cracking resulting in a realization of what
you see ain't what you get or lead poisoning.
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given proper treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from virgin metal
to common ore.
6. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma.
7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held
close to (at times causing overheating).
Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known.
3. Can aid in relaxation.
4. Some versions capable of brightening the day.
5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for what
ever reason.
a) Use with CAUTION. Positive and Negative results have been
obtained for a given stimuli depending on version.
6. Some instrumental for starting GLOBAL WARFARE.
7. Making dinner reservations.
8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget.
9. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get versions to
perform trivial tasks.
Tests:
1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in natural state.
2. Turns bright green if placed beside better specimen.
3. Become coy when confronted with truth.
Caution:
1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, in spite
of the fact that specimens can and do obtain possession of
more than one of the male gender, and lie about it.
3. Terrible drivers.
4. Carry ear plugs to prevent ear damage due to spontaneous
outbursts.
5. Known for rendering telephones into melted slag.
6. Affinity for rolling pins.
7. Generally obtain lawyers for divorce settlements, that can
expand on the idea "weaker sex".
Note:
1. Most specimens are worth keeping, even after adverse reactions
have occured!