Costello: Heeeeey, Abbott!
Abbott: What?
Costello: Hey, I heard you got fired from managing the team!
Abbott: Yeah, they caught me fooling around with a player's wife.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Not her.
Costello: What player's wife?
Abbott: I Don't Know.
Costello: Well, if you don't, who does?
Abbott: Who doesn't know.
Costello: Doesn't know what?
Abbott: What isn't involved. Look, I don't want to talk about it.
Besides, I'm managing another team now.
Costello: I don't wanna hear about it.
Abbott: Why don't you wanna hear about it?
Costello: 'Cause you've got a ... a bunch of INDEFINITE PRONOUNS on your
team!
Abbott: There are no indefinite pronouns on this team!
Costello: All right then, who's in the infield?
Abbott: Who is on the other team!
Costello: I'm not talking about the other team!
Abbott: Well you brought it up!
Costello: Eee - eee - eee .... Abbott, when I say "who" I'm not talking
about the guy who plays first base on the other team. I mean who
is in the infield on THIS team!
Abbott: Well, let's see ... You's on first ...
Costello: No I's not!
Abbott: There's I on second and Me on third.
Costello: How can you play both second and third?
Abbott: You is not on second or third. You is on first.
Costello: Am not.
Abbott: I is on second and Me is on third.
Costello: Sounds like a great team. Who's in left field?
Abbott: Right Field.
Costello: OK, right field.
Abbott: Center Field.
Costello: Center ... ???
Abbott: Left. The Field brothers.
Costello: Who's playing left?
Abbott: Right!
Costello: Right.
Abbott: Center.
Costello: Center.
Abbott: Left.
Costello: Left.
Abbott: Right.
Costello: Center.
Abbott: Left ... stop quizzing me!
Costello: Who's quizzing you?
Abbott: The owner is always quizzing me about the players. He says "right",
I gotta say "Center." He doesn't think I can keep their names straight.
Costello: I don't think so either.
Abbott: Whaddaya mean?
Costello: You haven't told me anything! You can't even speak English any
more! "I is on first, you is on second..."
Abbott: No! You is on first, I is on second...
Costello: Same difference.
Abbott: Me is on third!
Costello: Right!
Abbott: Center!
Costello: Left!
Abbott: Right!
Costello: Center!
Abbott: Left!
Costello: Does the manager play a position?
Abbott: No.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You said you were on third.
Abbott: You is on first!
Costello: Not me, you!
Abbott: Me is on third.
Costello: "Me is on third." Right.
Abbott: Center!
Costello: Center.
Abbott: Left!
Costello: Left.
Abbott: Right!
Costello: Who's pitching?
Abbott: Costello.
Costello: What?
Abbott: Costello.
Costello: What?
Abbott: Cost ... hey, what is this?
Costello: You ask for me, I say "What?"
Abbott: Not you. Your cousin Herman Costello is pitching.
Costello: Cousin Herman? HE can't pitch!
Abbott: He doesn't. He's our catcher.
Costello: You said he's your pitcher.
Abbott: No I didn't. Herman Costello is our pitcher.
Costello: Well, if he is your pitcher ...
Abbott: You're not listening! He is our catcher!
Costello: Well, if Herman is your CATCHER!
Abbott: Herman is our PITCHER!
Costello: Who's your catcher?
Abbott: He.
Costello: He who?
Abbott: Not Who. Who is on the other team.
Costello: I don't wanna talk about the other team!
Abbott: Our catcher on THIS team is He! The man's name is He!
Costello: But but but ... You said no pronouns!!!!
Abbott: I said no INDEFINITE PRONOUNS!
Costello: Aaaah, what's the difference!
Abbott: "An indefinite pronoun is one that ..."
Costello: Shut up! You got an opening on this team?
Abbott: Yes, shortstop.
Costello: I wanna try out for your team, but I'm not a good shortstop.
I'm a better catcher.
Abbott: That can be arranged. He can play shortstop.
Costello: Who can?
Abbott: Not Who. I don't want Who involved with this team. That's over
and done with.
Costello: What player is going to play shortstop?
Abbott: He.
Costello: He, the catcher.
Abbott: Right.
Costello: I got it now. Herman pitches, and He is shortstop.
Abbott: You wanna be our catcher?
Costello: Right!
Abbott: Center!
Costello: Left!
Abbott: Right!
Costello: Center!
Abbott: Left!
Costello: Cut it out!
Abbott: Sorry.
Costello: So let's say I'm the catcher. Herman's pitching. I still say
cousin Herman can't pitch worth a darn. Anyway the batter bunts the
ball. I pick it up and who do I throw it to?
Abbott: You.
Costello: Me?
Abbott: Not Me. Why would you throw it to Me?
Costello: You tell me! You're the manager.
Abbott: You throw it to You at first base.
Costello: Oh! You is the first base player's name.
Abbott: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Costello: And I and Me are on second and third.
Abbott: Right!
Costello: Center!
Abbott: Left!
Costello: Right!
Abbott: Center!
Costello: Left!
Abbott: NOW you've got it.
Costello: You can take this team and shove it!
Abbott: What?
Costello: SHOVE IT!
Abbott: Oh, that's our designated hitter!
Mark Lutton, 1/22/87
Abbott and Costello disclaim all
responsibility for this.