Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called
MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer
writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently
abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.
Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone
who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all
computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of
instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in
assembler a user can actually see the program executing the
undocumented instructions.
These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all
computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to
humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first
time.
ARG : Agree to Run Garbage
BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS : Damage Disk and Stop
EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE : Fake Serious Error
GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS : Go Quarter Speed
HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD : Inhale Dust and Die
IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF : Jam Paper Feed
JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM : Launch Nuclear Missles
MAW : Make Aggravating Whine
NNI : Neglect Next Instruction
OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG : Pass Noxious Gas
QWF : Quit Working Forever
QVC : Question Valid Command
RWD : Read Wrong Device
SCE : Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ : Send Data to Japan
TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC : Use Bad Chip
VDP : Violate Design Parameters
VMB : Verify and Make Bad
WAF : Warn After Fact
XID : eXchange Instruction with data
YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM : Zero All Memory
Credit to: Bruce Tonkin, 11/85 edition of COMPUTERPEOPLE Monthly
P.O. Box 5809, Chicago, IL 60680 312-829-3505
In case you are uncertain, these commands are meant to be a joke.